beware SHITTY english.. i read it over and it's like.. what the heck am i writing.. completely reflects the state of mind of not having slept for 3 nights in a row.. only for 3/4 hours in the day.. which is to continue.. sigh. shit. my body is in damn bad condition now... my head..

o man my head is POUNDING.. it's killing me.. i havent slept since i woke up at 4pm.. after not sleeping the previous night and sleeping at 1230pm.. it's 911 am now and ive just taught myself 6 chapters of econs from when i woke up.. im dying. dying. but i cant sleep or i'll miss my class at 12.. again. sigh.

my favourite new show is the daily show with jon stewart.. didnt get to watch it in singapore tv.. started watching it on youtube.. got hooked. it's just so damn hilarious.. and it delivers the news at the same time.. and esp with its whole polical thing...

the election is on going now.. and o man.. i dont know it's just so exciting.. for me.. one thing i dont really like about the daily show is how bush is made out to be a complete fool.. and he honestly really seems like one.. but it's just.. editing and biasness man.. i mean you cant really except things on surface value.. who the hell can be the US president without some shitty depiction.. or opposition.. it's kinda sad.. coz i think i lean more towards republican than democrat.. the senate is being contested very closely now.. hope the republicans win.. my sudden interest in politics.. not singapore that is.. makes me think whether i should change my decision about change my major.. sigh will think about it more on friday.. now. there's just too much on my mind..

and of course in other news.. when i went online yesterday.. msn.com.. that's where i get my news now.. stunned.

BRITNEY DIVORCE.

hahahaa. o man. even before my econs exam this morning my prof was talking about it.. somehow this seems to be overshadowing the election somewhat.. hahaa.. i dont even know why im talking about her when i dont give a shit about all this kinda stuff.. but wow. it's been a long time coming man. great great move. kfed seems like such a loser.. but o man.. now he seems kinda pitiful.. but stop it. i must stop being soft hearted. yea even to retarded things like this which are so totally non of my business but at least im willing to admit that its interesting and actually blogging about it. ha. hmmm.. just hope this revives her career. she doesnt have the best voice.. but it's not the worst either and she's a damn good performer.

and.. amos just sent me this poem.. which i thought was written exclusively for me.. hahahaa but apparently not!
amos. he sent me a poem last time before i left.. and i was like whoa... soooooooo touched.. even though honestly after lit in jc.. i got a bit sick of them.. i appreciate things sure but not when u disect them like some piece of meat or something.. that was before i found out that he wrote it for roshni.. and a few othe rpeople who were going overseas too..

serious heartbreak. really. but it's ok amos. u are forgiven... (: (:

----------------------------------------------------------------

army elf

notes written during guard duty

17:30

His smart four is tucked into innocent pockets and folds, and clings earnestly to his limp but supple shoulders. He refuses to sit, instead he paces around the guardroom. Elf gimlets tend and trim the Christmas tree in the centre. Brushing his boots against the floor, his ankles catch the sunny fluorescent light quiet black gleams, wary smiles

20:00

He talks very little, gives very little away
He tells us he is twenty-two, studies Mathematics on an army scholarship.
Twelve, studies the volumes of chimneys and the shapes of socks, an elf’s gift.
His commands are polite. He is Santa’s sergeant.
He watches. Sometimes amused, sometimes from afar, godling born under a distant star

Sentry

he slings a rifle
over shoulders that
sigh
for a mouth
forbidden
to speak

The moon shares his secrets, winking at him from its milky crescent hood many nights ago he galloped past the moon with the illusion of going through it

23:59 (off duty and

It would not be accurate to say that he was not meant for such a life: it is only a different sort of green. Grinning green of lalang and weeds (winking mistletoe), chalk green helmets (green felt caps), camouflage green smart-four (elf’s suit, camouflaged to protect surprises and a child’s imagination).

0:00

From one of the massive pockets of his SBO (Santa’s hat), he evinces some fantastical sleight of hand and draws out a grubby Kinokuniya bag wrapping paper crinkle, scotch tape rip, ribbon ruffle. His fingers hungrily, but softly uncover a glossy paperback (Memoirs Of A Geisha). He tackles the pages gingerly, almost as if they will shatter and vanish in his magical grasp –


(0:01/23:59)

but they only crumple to the static drumbeats of the Singapore anthem. Christmas carols, little drummer’s boy.

Smartly he goes, left right left right left right left: but there is a distant air to his marching saddling the reindeers, prowling the midnight air above children’s bedrooms

08:00, change of guards

In the morning as I leave the guardroom, I look back until he disappears from my view like a child who, taught to unlearn the Santa Claus myth, wakes up for water at the first stroke of Christmas morning and glimpses the tails of an elf’s suit stealthily retreat into the darkness behind the Christmas tree not before winking at him

- amos toh

i realise i wanna blog when i have something... i want to remember.. a point to make..

anyways today is election day here in the US.. and it's kinda cool coz this time. i actually really know what's going on coz of studying US politics and gov in political science... i've been in classes with a professors really passionate about the US government.. and a class with a vietnam war veteran as a professor.. where he kinda presents the other, more radical view.. albeit in a more quiet, subtle nature.. and to see some american students.. esp in my vietwar class.. have solid stands and views on democrats/republicans/war or whatever it is.. somehow.. that's something i appreciate here.. there's even a voting room downstairs cant believe it..

at least for hte first time in my life i'll be really interested to see how this election plays out.

hmmm.. in other minor news.. i am going to change my major to international studies with a political science minor. haa. i just want a broader scope. learn new language. study abroad. and at the end of the day - pol sci is a lot of work.. well not so much taht it's completely unmanageable of course it is! but im just a big idiotic slacker. it really interests me though.. but id ont wanna go into politics.. like please.. im so bullyable ill just get kicked around. so. minor is great :D it's just a little less than the major.. like 2 classes less.. and i can still do stuff like international security.. crisis diplomacy.. etc.. and i just signed up for a class next sem which is gonna be taught by gandhi's grandson on comparative politics in developing nations :D am actually 1% excited about class. how rare is that.

am going through a damn hellish period of work now.. until this friday it is gonna be crazy. i might not survive. but i will. then after that it's still gonna be crazy but slightly less. sigh. ok. come on. i am made of tougher stuff.

i was having a shit day that day.. and opened my mailbox and there was mail.. from singapore... (: it was something that didnt seem like much in 'reality' so to speak.. but to me it was huge. hahaa that sentence comes out so wrong but WHO GIVES A CRAP. i can use whatever crap english i want. made my day. thanks bao en :D

counting my blessings. i am so damn lucky to be here. so l ucky to experience study hell here. i realise that i've turned into what i hate most (out of many other things) - a big fat whiner. stop it. it'll change.

i FINISHED the paper. FINALLY. havent had ANY sleep last night coz i was done at 530 am.. had a class at 8 and knew if i got some rest.. i would wake up at 2.. o man. now another paper to finish today.. dont even know where to begin.. and i need some sleep.. this week is gonna be crazy. o man. massive headache. one hour of sleep. i can wake up. i will wake up.

i think im doing a pretty good job of updating my life. it's amazing, compared to the lack of crap i used to write. but just typing all this.. i dont know.. it really is just a damn good outlet for some thoughts.

as i sit in front of my com at 140 am trying to finish a pol sci paper on syria accountability.. and knowing the shit that lies ahead for the next two days.. i was just thinking about my time so far in the US.. and i realised that.. it can be summed up in the airheaded sentence that life in the US.. is just.. life. i think people who know me will get me.

i need to change my body clock.. i sleep at 6 am and wake up at 1/2 pm. and then miss a shitload of classes. BUT. for the next two days this regime must continue. come on come on come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do it. do it. do it. do it. a TA has already given me massive leeway and yet im still taking advantage of it. i really am an idiot. seriously if i knew someone who was doing what i did. i would hate that immoral.. well ok not very immoral.. but that totally idiotic person.

sometimes it seems just so easy when u know that.. to just change that ONE thing.. and then everything would be different. but things are never as easy as they may seem man. maybe fortunately. or unfortunately. because then everyone would be perfect. how damn freaky is that.

by hook or by crook

sun
(1) 2 eco
(2) PS TP!!!!!! crap.
(3) HIST TP lib

mon
(1) borrow HIST TP lib
(2) finish writing the damn thing
(3) 2 eco

tues
(1) yusuke
(2) eco eco eco until i die

wed
(1) 2 ealc essays
(2) 2 vietwar
(3) study abroad
(4) subjects reg
(5) email

i've been given too many chances. and due to no one's fault other than my own. i've thrown them all away.
cant now. next 4 days. crucial. crucial. crucial.

sigh.

george bush is much maligned.. i dont care that the whole world bullshits like hell about him. being the president of the us of a is.. prob.. the most difficult job in the world.. i thought so before and esp after i studied this stuff. i think.. he's just presented wrongly. and unfortunate timing of terrorism and all that crap. poor bush. these words sound so simplistic and childish against all those bush haters who use sophisticated prose with cheem words of skepticism or is it skeptism.. somehow.. i dont know which one looks better.. more correct.. (wait.. this word is correct right.. it's late. i cant think. or spell. never could.) yes. i think it's skepticism. :S. this is pathetic. but seriously. people just like to cheem things up to boost their credentials. for what man. speak and write for the masses.
if u're singaporean. then speak like one la. im proud of singlish man. at APPROPRIATE times.
wow. i just found out. congratulations. u wont read this but i am really really happy for you.
it starts tomorrow. really. everything. ive just wasted too much.
i hated it back then. looking back. i miss it. seemed to be so carefree. and yet i wanted an end. i think the process might be repeating itself. i better treasure this coz there's really not much to look forward to. im curious. but not like come come come.
mg.jc. come back to me.
we're watching born on the fourth of july on thursday in my vietwar class. i CANNOT wait. i love that show. it's what intrigued me about the whole vietnam war vet situation. tom cruise is great in it. i feel sorry for how things have turned out for him.. it's a waste. but that is not the point. it's a fantastic show. gary sinise is great too.
worried.worried.worried.
i hope bao en is doing good.

i keep calling my dormroom my bunk. and getting laughed at. what's wrong with that. it's my bunk isn't it. a bunk is a room with beds. and my room has beds. somehow.. im missing those days. i think the most annoying parts of the day then were after meals.. coz u looked forward so much to them.. and they were over in a blink of an eye.. and then ur brain has to start worrying again. what i miss is my bunk. i miss my bunk. just slacking around... during those RARE times.. cleaning.. i miss that sense of community... o man. i think i miss being a cadet.

an email from mindef earlier int he year on things on the restrictions on our blogs. i cant remember what it said. but. i am trying to keep to that.

hahahaa. seriously. what a damn boring entry. but i dont give a shit. it's for me. i just wanna type forever.. coz it just brings u to somewhere u are not now... how how how? sigh. wei lynn. only you can save yourself. i am going mad. i really am. im not a good person.. not at all.

anyways. cat. this is for u. can see? (:(:(: i dont know why.. i dont feel like i sound nasal at all.. but on video.. o my goodness. i have terrible terrible diction. sec 2 pw. i love it. what the hell were we thinking.





missed. there's a bit of flower la nvm... CLASSIC.

sigh. ive been mulling over this.. for very long..
and it just finally hit me.. what the hell was i thinking..
they're going to drop me.. really..
for once i think i overestimated myself..
and i might go down in history in disgrace.

sigh. help.

help.

wa crap. i realised the building from my window (which is another hall) looks like HDB.

HURRAY SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! splendid indeed :D

SO what if my view doesnt include the london bridge or some amazing lake or some beautiful trees or something like that. i have a FREAKING hdb. jealous right! I KNEW IT.

something to always remember...

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

whenever i see verses like this.. i go hmmm.. then i start to regret/feel ashamed about a lot of things. and after 5 mins.. ok time to collect laundry.. time to zone out.. (this occus 99.9% of the time).. time to go back to feeling stressed bout my shitty grades.. i guess.. in a way.. religon doesnt come easy.. well.. ok faith doesnt come easy.. i dont know how to put it across.. but it needs some effort.. effort to do QT.. effort to go to church no matter what.. effort to remember things.. and esp.. an effort to stick up for you believe right by religon...

but anyways.. i always feel like i can never talk to God. like.. really know u're talking. honestly.. when things are so busy and ok.. he slips out of my mind completely.. and when im dying (like now) he suddenly comes back in.. and ahhh.. will prayer help this time.. i dont know.. praying is seriously like talking.to.the.wall. only that even the wall isnt present.. so it's kinda like the air...

i think.. im a very ungrateful person.. towards the Lord. i was thinking of the many times in my life where it seems that something impossible.. became possible. sometimes i would want to put them down to.. it's just that sometimes in life shit happens.. and good stuff happens..

let's see somethings i can recount...
(1) going for overseas camps twice.. despite complete lack of $$$...
(2) surviving sec 4
(3) being a shit student in jc.. but still somehow managing to do s paper.. which i failed. but by then it didnt matter :D
(4) being a shit student still.. but yet managing to get the As results that i needed.. and prove some people wrong.. YES.. but that's just my inner childishness speaking.. most importantly.. it gave me what i wanted..
(5) somehow finding a 'direction'.. getting past first round interview into army.. and then eventually finding my service and getting a scholarship..

and.. there're a lot of other things i realise.. which will not be written down... and even out of all the bad.. i mean.. if not for that shit i wont be where i was today either.. it's so easy to look at someone else's life and go crap. that person is so lucky or whatever.. but im just being a complete fool. i do count my blessings.. but on few occasions.. how the heck did i.. with no cash.. with crap grades.. with zero saka-ing skills.. (i thank god i had zero. or i cant live with myself) end up today in the US in a dorm typing this when every second, they are draining the money out of my sponsors.. amazing.

now im here.. im like.. o why is my uni blah blah blah.. why is my life blah blah blah coz of me.. but why is theirs blah blah blah... (what a seriously singaporean sounding sentence.. and whoa someone just let out a massive groan from somewhere.. very interesting).. but i believe.. i was put here for a reason.. my studies have been shit for a reason.. just like.. my career choice.. despite seemingly clashing with my personality a little.. has been chosen for a reason.. so.. everything will work out in the end... right? :D

sigh. as i face an insurmountable mountain of crap ahead.. like really.. am so dead.. i guess i just have to trust and believe.. that i can do it.. i know people back in sg are praying for me.. they have been all along.. and esp since i went into army.. so yea.. ha. i should go pray too.. sigh.. ok back to this impossible term paper.. i have just mapped out a crazy course of study.. yea despite my shit grades now i still have time to do that. i am such a retard. let's just see what God wants for me...

on a completely unrelated note.. there is someting wrong with my room. it's drugged or something.. every time outside i feel find.. but when i sit down on this chair.. my head starts to feel DAMN woozy.. super headache.. and my eyelids are very heavy.. im not kidding this is not a psychological thing.. i dont nkow if it's coz im beside the heater.. sigh. but it kills me. there must be drugs in the air. seriously :( :( :(

one more thing i learnt recently too.. u really are learning the entire time.. constantly.. there're so many lessons to be learnt in life. it's how much u wanna absorb.. remember.. or are willing to humble yourself to realise.. i learnt that.. i really need to keep my emotions in check. when i think i am.. im not.. sigh. calm down.

so anyways one last thing (ha. i think this is just a massive excuse not to go back to the reality of doing work. but it's ok. i like it. i hate how i regret blogging everytime i finish. but STOP IT WEILYNNN!!!!!! such an idiot really. yea. i have become so lonely that i talk to myself now.. alot.. no.. just kidding.. ok STOP. argh.
so yea. some people have been complaining.. commenting that my blog is pathetic at updating my life.. others have said that they're looking forward to seeing my pictures when i come back to singapore. unfortunately to that i can say.. i have none -_-. yea i bought a freaking lumix and i have 4 pictures of autumn leaves. not taken by me. so i decided to satisfy both groups of people with a few pictures.. and i even asked my roommate to help me take 2. one is dedicated to danielle. another i hope.. will satisfy people so much so that the requests to take pictures of my actual face. will decrease. and with this hope.. i shall post these...



my table... well.. ok other than the autumn leaves.. this and the next 2 were taken a while ago...




the SPLENDID view from my window.. hahaa but that's ok (:




my room.. as of 2 months ago.. well my side that is.. th sheets are now blue.. i have a miniature fan.. and a dark blue comforter.. no i hate blue. but i didnt wanna get black. too depressing.




(: one of the best gifts ever...





if u see your stuff on my shelf.. either.. i was too lazy to put it anywhere.. or u are very much treasured.. (: (: (:




dee/sarah/meixi.. i think i used to do this to one of u in vj.. or all of u.. with hand semi-rotating from side to side..

AND NOW FOR THE FINALE...







dee this is for u.. ur common face.. somehow. u look way better.. and sigh. something which i regret taking already..

PS: grace and nette and alicia.. the cd u guys gave me is on my shelf.. but hidden.. i just rmembered its existence.. thank u.. i am so undeserving.

i didnt expect that. but thank you for it.

let me just say something. i take a lot of pride in the fact that im an an saf scholar. not pride in myself, but as a representation of the organisation.

it doesnt matter what i say. whether im worried. whatever. ive accepted it and am only gonna look forward. if i hadnt gone in since january, i wont really be who i am today either. and i owe it to them to do well. im gonna make it worth their while.

not gonna say much more. coz this issue with blogs is pretty sensitive. but yea.

and people who dont know me, dont know the other saf girls. im sorry but you dont have the right to prejudge us at all.

Amazing Love

I'm forgiven
because you were forsaken
I'm accepted,
you were condemned
I'm alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do, to honor you

You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King

sigh. i have a political science term paper due on friday on the history of a bill.. which has so much to do.. it's wed 945 pm now.. but i cant be bothered to do it.. i am gonna try to throw all caution to the wind.. and just write freely.. i just need to write.. i need somewhere to put down all my thoughts coz they're exploding inside me now.. but yet.. i dont know what to say..

i was looking through my friendster testimonials.. i dont know.. maybe i just feel kinda lonely.. i miss people.. i miss home.. and i realised.. i think i have changed a lot.. i used to be so crazy.. had some semblance of character.. had some brains.. had quite a wide social network.. and i think i used to be happy with myself. or at least i never thought about it.. but i changed. and the difference shows.. in my testimonials i think.. i just changed. and honestly.. i really dont like the person ive become. i think.. i've just become so quiet.. complete lack of confidence or self-esteem.. pessimistic.. i dunno.. just.. negative stuff. and looking at myself.. i just really dont like what i've become.

and.. i've just been looking at the transition.. from mg.. to jc.. to army.. all three periods.. were so different.. and it hink army just represented that complete break from the past.. it's like i can just never return to what i was before.. and.. looking back.. i dont like who i was in army. i dont know. i think i worked my ass off.. tried to just do my best.. and.. i think i just tahaned quite a bit of shit too. i dont know... i just really.. dont like the person ive become. i dont know whether its part of growing up.. or because the realities of the world.. are just being presented more to me each day.. i dont know.

in university now. even more so, i really dont know the person i am. i just dont know myself anymore. i dont know how to speak. behave. what to do. once upon a time, i actually had something called charisma. that is all but gone now. i know u should never look back.. but i think ive just become a shadow of my former self.

i find it difficult to relate with people. i dont know why... i miss my friends.. friends that i dont know why i just felt so comfortable with.. life just seemed to have so much colour.. and it became so black and white.

when kristin passed... i thought.. wow. you know. it really puts things into perspective.. like how precious life is.. and o man.. i really really do miss kristin... i miss all the shit we did together.. i remember once on the plane to england.. she suddenly turned to me and asked me.. whether she could stick with me and alicia.. and that kinda touched me like really coz she would never ask that.. and i remember.. i cried buckets. when i went for her service.. and saw that the bear i gave her.. she kept it til the end.. sigh. :'(

i dont know.. im only 18.. but i just dont like what i see in the future.. the world just seems so damn cold and cut-throatish and damn superficial. and i think honestly after sec 3 i really really lost the ability to be happy again. to just be truly happy.

now that im living my 'dream', i find that this dream..not that much of a dream after all.. u know what i mean? it's just a reality. haha. a sudden thought - maybe this is becaue guys started to exist more in my world.. well not specifically in my world because i dont have many close guy friends.. but like. i have been 'exposed' to them more. and they have caused this destruction! but of course not.... i better not think this. i've jut signed 10 years of my life to be surrounded by them.

something someone said to me that day.. i took slight offence to. or rather, it kinda annoyed me. this place is not safe, so i shall try to codify this.. something along the likes of.. hope u're not feeling like.. u cannot be compared to someone coz the she's very popular with the guys and as for u, u have no news. hahahaaa.. such a childish thing right. i dont know. as much as i would like to say no.. i do care about what people think of me. but when i heard that i was like. what the hell. i am not that pathetic as to give a shit!!!! come on man. i honestly thought over it carefully and it was seriously like i give a SHIT! o man. it just annoys me that there could even be a possibility of that. if im not attractive, that is my problem. if im attractive, that is not ur problem. i dont know. i digress.
someone told me too... that maybe.. i should try to change a bit.. be more sociable.. make an effort to join in more.. talk more.. whatever. i know it's good intentions. but that's not how i am. i dont like to join in conversations which i have absolute no interest in or nothing to contribute. i cannot laugh fakely. i can only laugh when i find something truly genuinely hilarious. i like to get to know people one-on-one. and i make an effort to know people.. not coz i should not because i wanna fit in, but becaues i am genuinely interested in them. it just makes me.. annoyed how superficial everything is.. and then it is assumed that i would want to fit into that mould. i wont. i will never change myself to make things seem 'better'.. to seem more 'sociable'. im sorry. i cant be anything different.

someone said to me today about religon.. people only seem to go to religon in times of crisis.. and when bad things happen.. they blame it on God... i thought about it.. the former.. is very very true for me.. i realised. i am absolutely guilty of God. til now. til today. i can still say, i am unsure of God's existence. somewhere inside i think.. i truly believe he is there. but i stil have so many doubts. but i realised.. i dont blame shit on god. i blame it all on myself. i never blame others ever... not coz im some saintly crap, but i just am so used to blaming shit on myself. like. o man i deserve this shit. or whatever. (wow. i really sound liek a damn bimbo in the last few sentences). i dont know. i really dont know.

the comments some people have made to me.. have just been quite saddening. hahaa. i wish i wasnt so like vulnerable-ish man. right now. i am trying to make up for my studies - i am not gonna do well this semester i know it. until i heal myself. until i settle that. what do i do? im so tired of it. it's just been too long. turn to god? how? i've been listening to christian songs for the past few hours...after dinner i just slept.. slept slept.. i just didnt wanna wake up at all... after that.. i felt kinda better.. i feel better typing this.. still sad.

it infuriates me. it infuriates me how people can dare to do things which seem so great, respectable, compassionate, whatever, and then all for hte sake of claiming a shitload of credit for it.

i was reading caroline's testimonial. and i think.. that's so accurate. but unfortunately, line, i think im going downhill rather than up. hahaa i dont think people look up to me or 'adore' me anymore. i am just.. not in one bit adorable. i dont know. i honestly believe i have lost any character. and like. in a way. i have lost myself. hahaa and i cant believe i am starting to tear up. i was when i was talking about kristin. now i think im just sad how everything has turned out.

hahaaa. i know. i sound so chlidish.. and o please.. she's only 18.. or o please.. the world is full of starving people or whatever. yea u're right. coz i think about that too. liek when i read someone who's so damn full of self-pity for him or herself over something seemingly so stupid. like shut up already man u ungrateful piece of crap. but yea. u know. sometimes. just need to vent.

someone just msged me on msn.. hahaa it amazes me... when i still find out i matter to people.. coz i feel like.. the whole world has moved on without me. somehow.

anyways just wanna say somethings to some people.. who might or might not read this...

bao en - i really respect you man. hahaa even though we didnt really get the chance to speak much or whatever... i just cant express too much how proud i am of how u're doing... sigh. unfortunately there is no english substitution for jiayou.. so yea jiayou man bao en (: i think im just so proud of how far u've come since wocc that sometimes it confuses me with jealousy, or envy. but i could never be, coz i really genuinely want u to succeed and do well we're in this together man!

wan ling - hahaa.. i think we're quite different in character.. but yea.. i cannot wait to spent winterbreak together.. great girl.. great great asset to the navy.. intelligent.. (: im glad.. that we made this together.

sabsay - my best friend in primary school. we did so so so much stupid stuff together. we havent spoken for a while.. but yea really man. in a way.. we'll be like.. best friends forever. argh so mushy and corny.. but really man really.

kristin - i suddenly miss you.. a lot.

my mg friends... the whole gang.. xue ai, cat, manda, germ, alicia, sab, maggot, myra, denise.. hope i didnt leave out people.. - i really miss the days of just absolute freedom where everything was so innocent... miss all of u more than u'll ever know.

grace and nette - grace.. hahaa thank you thank you for ur endless words of encouragement... nette.. im glad u've just supporting me during mg... esp jc.. sigh. miss hanging out with u guys man.

to my vj friends.. sarah.dee.meixi.hazel.mel.diana - u made me believe in the world again. believe that goodness exists.. seriously.. as corny as that sounds. and i treasured.. and still treasure this friendship a lot.. sigh. i really miss you guys...

my family... there's nothing more important than blood there really isnt.. it doesnt matter how many arguments.. how much shit.. how many police visits.. how much chaos.. havoc.. it's kinda weird.. but i would die for them man. i really would. sounds freaking childish. but SO WHAT. who gives a shit. i hope none of them reads this. i will. i WILL. melt and die.

and.. there is none like you.

sometimes.. it irritates me that coz of my absolute hate of taking pictures.. there's hardly any memories of my life... but i managed to find some.. pictures that matter. (:


daddy, me, bro. i miss birthdays... when we were so young and innocent.. i've never really celebrated my birthday after that.. it's hilarious.. it was so routine.. like birthday.. buy cake.. sing.. hahahaa.. eat cake.. sigh. hilarious. o man :'( :'( i really want to go home.. now... :'(:'(:'( my birthday is coming up... i think im spending it alone. hahaa. i just miss how hilarious and innocent things used to be.. :'(,br>

me :D

why.. why!! hahaa i think when i was young i actually had SOME potential to look ok. sigh. something bad must have happened in between.. and it did.. and o man.. my eyes were bigger. haha why why are they so pathetic now! actually i know why. i mean eyeballs dont grow right. but my face did. sigh.


my sister


mother father


brother.. hahaa i miss how mch.. 'closer' we used to be...


my dad and sis.. i love this pic.. :( everything i love makes me sad...



MG DAYS.. it's so sad i was looking through all my few mg pics.. and i never really found.. a proper picture which we took.. which i was in.. but it doesnt matter.. as long as i can remember my friends... (:










weird. i dont remember ever looking like this


and.. vj days...



the early days.. with dee and sarah... wonder what they thought of me then.. (: and check out the hair!!! it's... well.. longER.


my favourites (:(:(


daryl nette and i.. during army days.. but o well.. vj friends (:



army.. honestly.. i have mixed feelings about army days.. somehow.. i dont know whether i turned into a wworse person.. myself.. i really dont know. i hope not. but.. i cant get out of it. i kinda live army now. even though i was in there for short. havent been to unit. somehow it's just quite a big part of who i am now.


daryl and i. i actually look really happy here. im glad. hahaa i just realised again really that im definitely not the best looking person in the world. i have a slightly constipated smile. and when i dont smile, i just look retarded. but who gives a shit right. hahaa. i used to think hey. maybe it's coz i just dont photograph well. i dont know how to 'work' the camera. but i have realised that actually. it's just how i look. hahaaa.. o man. but yea ok. that's fine. (:


beloved baoen


lta allen


cpt seah


suddenly.. that PS paper.. doesnt seem so important anymore... studies seem like nothing.. the only reason why i want to do well is coz i have a moral obligation to do so.. i guess ive been suckered up into the singaporean ideal of getting 4.0. and i know i never will. i dont want to. i just want to apologise to my teachers for not attending class. i just dont want to do anything 'wrong' and get good grades to get by, to get into grad school, to not be unfair to myself. i will be prob stressed later over my paper, coz there's no way i can hand it up on time. but so what. i'll worry about that later.. (:

i realised in a way.. even if im sad for the rest of my life.. it doesnt matter.. does it? coz after going through all my photos and stuff.. i realised how how lucky i am to have met everyone i have met.. it's really really the people around u who matter.. it's so cliche.. but to see them happy.. just makes me freaking damn happy.. so bye wei lynn. go rot in hell. as long as everyone's in heaven. that's great. ha. i dont know. but really. sigh you guys are missed. really really missed.

im gonna try to make the best of what i can. i dont know.. i guess all i want is to just.. become a better person. that's just what i've always wanted... but i just feel like im disintegrating second by second.. but.. i guess.. im gonna try. try to make things good for myself. for once. come on wei lynn. u can do it.

the thing is i know.. when i leave this room again.. when i return to the real world.. out of my thoughts now.. i will forget this.. i will again.. just be caught up in everything that exists. but i will try man. try to make an effort to remember this.

sometimes when i know some of my peers.. females.. people my age.. see all the fun they're having.. with all their girl friends.. guy friends.. going out.. i dun know.. just doing such 18-year-old female stuff. dont know whether im missing out on something. but i dont think so at all. like i'll prob feel this again. but.. i think im ok with how things turned out.. i mean.. yea. cant compare. right? hahaa sometimes i wonder what it would be like.. if i was just more.. like.. more feminine. more of a person. i think i am a bit weird right now. quite alien-ish. hahaa but im quite sure.. i will never dress up, never put on makeup. whatever shit. look good. i used to think i was wasting my youth away. but i realised i am just like that. so yea. take it or leave it man.

this is such a longwinded post. but i dont care. it is meant for my eyes. meant for my venting.. meant for my reaffirmation.. (:

i was right.. i really do feel different now.

esp after breaking this cycle of doing the right thing.

i need more guts.

i am SUCH an idiot.

from my friend and fellow sms and asset to the navy... tungwanling...
whom i am very grateful for exists... (:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things
that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain

sighhhh... i can uber stressed now. ok was uber stressed coz there was so much shit to do.. but no! suddenly i feel like i am embracing this shitload of papers on my table! i LOVEEEEE the japanese essay that im doing now.. yea ok not really.. but i er. dont hate it. that. much. hahaaa

sigh. if things haven been that great.. hey man relaxxxxx wei lynn. it's the first sem. adjustment! right! and other things u need ot sort out.. which u will. u have like two months. come on man u can do it!!!!!!

sigh sigh sigh... i am crazeeeeee... i am one fortunate piece of crap. seriously. i dont even deserve to be here. and yet i am. and then i still let all this negative stuff.. grow.. and grow.. and grow.. what the heck!!!!!! sigh.

life is great man.
life is great.
life is great.

am gonna try to treasure every day and even doing homework and term papers. and studying. next sem. i cant wait for next sem. there're so many things i wanna do...

ok prob like 2 hours later this will fizzle out and i'll be like what the hell..but hey man. let the happiness last..

anyone reading this.. CHEER UP.everything will work out (: i suddenly feel like blogging a whole long crappy essay.. but im not sure whether it's coz i feel like writing.. talking crap.. or coz im trying to avoid my work at this horribly early hour of 2 am... sigh. before i leak out anymore information which i will regret.. i will stop now... good night!

damn! hahahaaa... i love being a siao charbo. wow. what an uneloquent sentence. but who gives a crap man. i am singaporean. i can say whatever i want. have to be proud of our heritage. of hokkien. broken english. whatever. it's like a melting pot of everything. i love it!!!!

note: i wish i could express my feelings without swearing. but it's tough. we need to create more words of intensity/jubilation/ultimate ultimate tragedy

hello my fav SCE person...

this is a codified message for u.. hahaa yes im pretty damn sure we're talking about the same thing.. u know it's difficult for me to read ur blog now coz i keep thinking.. what am i missing out on.. and at the same time.. what the heck am i going back into.. hahaa sigh.. i wished i had stayed on with u guys.. and the big day is coming soon. im so so proud of u man!! congrats (: let me know how all the scholarship stuff is going yea... (:

and yea.. im worried.. big time. i dont want to be treated or seen like an incompetent idiot.. i just dont know how things are going to be.. sometimes i wonder why i didnt choose an 'easier way out'... but i had a four hour car ride just now and i was thinking about it.. and watching our wei zi ji feng kuang (hurhurhur) video on my laptop.. and listening to 'every ___________ son' over and over again. hahahahaa yea i know i am extremely crazy, and slightly retarded. but.. i think.. honestly.. in a way we're really lucky to have this 'challenge'.. and i was thinking about other things in the outside world.. and i think i would have an even harder time.. accepting doing anything else.. so yea embrace this challenge man!! haha as u have been.

of course im still worried.. but u know.. things will work out in the end they always do. and i believe ur time now.. even if u're stressed.. whatever.. i mean.. i believe u're gaining a shitload too man. so yea...

i think sometimes it's really kinda difficult.. coz u dont really have anyone to talk to who is in this position.. be it guys.. or girls.. or whatever.. but it's ok. u have me. and i have u. hahahahaa.. so yea! if anything.. just email me.. whatever.. i'll see u soon man. in the meantime.. continue having fun ground-digging. i know u am man. take care (:

me

i just spent one month's salary.




im coming home in dec.

im supposed to be doing some japanese culture readings and at least 2 essays. but i just cant get down to it...

was talking to one of my ex company mates online.. and.. sigh. i think. i really was very idealistic. like.. u know those fairytales where good always triumphs over evil even though.. there're so many obstacles and it doesnt seem likely.. but i dont think it's the same in real life.. i dont know.. i hold this extremely cynical view towards the world.. but i always believe at the end of the day... er... yea good will triumph over evil.

sigh. i think.. i dont know. it makes me sad to think that people might view me as a fool.. with merely idealistic words to offer.. and offer me mere sympathy and not anything else. or maybe. everyone just has different opinions i dunno.

honestly. honestly. it scares the shit out of me. sometimes im not sure what ive gotten myself into.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. time to blog. i havent for so long even though i have a shitload of things waiting to be called to my attention.. im pushing them aside for now.. just like i have for the past 3 days. procrastination. sigh. it's really a love-hate relationship... u love love love to procrastinate but yet when push comes to shove it just ends up screwing u so damn bad.

sigh. on another note. i really need to change my language. ok i'll try to speak more.. lightly.. 'elegantly'..

things have been.. i dont know. im terrible. i cannot update my life. coz i dont know what to talk about what not to. i dunno what to say and what not to. i think my lack of ability.. or lack of want.. to express myself is going to lose me friends over the course of four years.

after all.. when u first leave.. people remember u.. but after a while.. if they dont know what's going on in your life.. you know.. you really really do lead separate lives.. basically i become non-existant. which i pretty much am right now.

i try to think of how i can just talk about my life now. but i cant. so all i can hope is. it wont come back and haunt me. i think i sound pretty crazy huh. mmm.. just thinking. nothing much.

and.. my parents ask me to come back to singapore end year.. but im not sure if i want to pay threefreakingthousand. and.. ive already been making plans.. sigh.. i dunno.. it's not like should i stay or should i go.. it's should i go to _______ or should i go to ======.

how? ________ or ======. sigh.

i just wanted to blog.

i have something to say which i CANT say.. hahahaa just that o man. i am sooooooooo normal... soooooo normal its embarrassing...

and i wanna do something in dec something in dec!!!

God.. i really really need u to help me tide over.. the the next.. 48 hours... please. thank you. thank you. thank you.

ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

yesterday when i walked past the quad.. which is this huge grass patch thing which looks much grander online than in real life but that is not the point... it was in the evening.. quite quiet.. and i walked past these two people sitting at the side.. and i heard one of them saying to the other.. the lamb of God... something something something... and i was like.. wow ok. that kinda made my evening in a way coz i was having quite a crappy day...

and today when i was walking past the quad... i saw a gathering of maybe.. 40 people? or 50? in the middle.. and there was this poster there... and so i looked and the poster said... "satan says.." in bold and i dunno there were like words underneath.

-_-

i really am in the states man.

some NARROW MINDED CHILDISH FOOL has his nic on msn as singapore, F*** singapore...

what a FOOL is all i can say.

i dont update here much.. coz.. i dunno.. if i speak to friends i wanna speak like more one on one than in such a public announcement place..

and well.. the reason why im so pissed with that is because.. after coming here.. i realise what a great country singapore is. honest. last night saf sent an email.. about restrictions on blogging and things like that.. which i've always erm... put on myself.. internally.. which is why i dont really say so much about the saf and training.. in fact i dont at all :S until ike.. occasionally.. coz it really doesnt matter what much to let hte world know...

but.. i had a bit of a panic attack last night.. honestly.. i have been feeling.. kinda.. lonely really.. and homesick. u never realise.. how good u've got it.. until u lose what u once had. it's not to say that life here is bad. but i think people.. hold studying overseas in such high esteem.. like o it's so cool and it's so fun.. and definitely it's a great experience if u treasure it.. but u realise it is really just life that goes on.. and i miss what i had at home.

im not sure whether i'll be able to come home in the summer for some reasons. and i cannt imagine 2 years away from singapore. i'm tell u now - i love my country. and if u're there and u dont treasure what u have.. then u're a complete idiot really.

there have been quite a lot of things i've been dealing with here.. which im sure my friends have all been too back in sg.. but i know i would deal better in an environment of comfort and familiarity.. but hey isnt that what studying overseas is about? to put urself out there.. expose urself.. and i guess.. in these 4 years u'll discover a lot of your weaknesses.. but if u make that effort.. ur strengths too..

before i left sg we had this pre departure thing and the guy said th initial period overseas.. u'll be depressed.. than u'll be like high morale again.. maybe.. maybe not..

all i can say is.. i am busy/stressed/missing home.. but also.. i am grateful for the chance to do things here.. and trying to take opportunity of that. i guess everyone expects.. their friends who go overseas to report back what a wonderful time they're having and people at hoem will be like.. u're so lucky.. and i used to think that way.. but i realise it's not true at all... and i dont care if it makes me sound pathetic or a loser or whatever, coz im just being honest. basically it's just life that goes on, in a new place, a foreign envronment.

but i'll just try to turn things around when they're back.. and somhow.. u know.. just build my character or something. sounds so lame but it's true..

so not going into specific boring struggles of my life... i am doing good. i am doing good because i am alive.. and how many people can say that? yea i know.. like a few billion.. how many people are there in the world...

so anyways thanks for leaving msgs on my tagboard.. i miss all of u.

hey friends go and dl http://www.skype.com/download/skype/macosx/videopreview.html !!! then we can talk!! for free!!!!

o my gosh i've been having such a bad day. this has been saving grace. i heard hazel's voice. and i am very happy now. even though i have a crap test tomorrow and there's no way i can sleep tonight.

good day everybody.

suddenly..

im missingg.. people.. a lot..

i miss the complete complete ease of conversations..
of talking to people who really know u.. and who truly truly care..

if u're reading this.. and u know u're someone i like.. hahaa.. u are missed.

it's 403 now.. and i just cant and dont feel like sleeping... which i need to coz..

(1) i need to get up early to ...
(2) i have too toooo many things to do tmr to feel tired.. sigh..

and so i ended up here... and.. there are some things i feel like feeling.. haa...

i feel that.. humans are always just.. gonna disappoint u.. no matter what.. and it's those few that dont.. that you know are your.. well.. 'soul mates' kinda.. in not such a serious use of the word...

i feel like.. i can never ever show outwardly concern towards anyone.. coz i am just such an awkward person.. and hardhearted.. not in the sense i dont care.. coz i know that im a big fat marshmallow.. and i care about a lot of things more than my buay song face will betray.. but.. i just know that.. yea.. some things are unneeded.. i mean.. yea. i dont know how to express myself on this one.

sigh. ok. that's all. one more thing i came online and the first thing i saw was steve irwin killed by a stingray. o my goodness.. so so so so shocking really.. i actually let out an audible gasp... which i never do.. i cant believe it he was too young.. too capable.. too talented.. it's a sad day in aus indeed..

my room mate just came back.. time to sleep.. goodnight

i finally decided to post.. coz it's 520 am in the morning and i have 'time'...

anyways.. i dont wanna say too much just wanna say a few things.. i dunno who still comes here. and things like that.. but thank u really.. to everyone who.. means something to me.. which most prob must mean u.. unless u are ________ ... or ________ or _________... yea that should be it.. actually on second thought... _________ too...

nah just kidding. but actually like.. 1%.. not really...

but anyways.. i always feel like things are impossible to describe.. unless u're experiencing it urself.. and as much as we are interested in each other's life.. we are not exatly interested in all the complete blow by blow accounts.. so i am not gonna bullshit so much here.. but just.. im slowly adjusting to things here.. i wont say it's omg this place is freaking amazing.. or it sucks like hell get me out of this hellhole.. but it's just a new reality that i prob need to get used to.. and... i want to make the best out of this reality.. which will take time.. but i will get there.

so other than that.. i am still alive. and no massive ground breaking news has happened yet other than i tested positive for TB. yes u heard me right. i have freaking tb germs in my body. i dont know why. but apparently it's quite common. i dont have the disease ok. just carrying a nice erm.. what's that word.. that u use on inactive volcanos.. ok it's 525 and im not really thinking so i[l just say inactive germs.. and they'll stay that way with some medicine here. seriously it's no big deal. i was just talking about life and death so i touched on that.

anyways to the people i care about.. i still do. a lot. thank you.. for sending me off.. for yue-ing me out.. for the conversations.. for the concern.. for the effort.. really just thanks for ur friendship man. i am not one of those idiots who has become so damn like.. encapsulated in my own world and thrown the world of yesterday behind.. i dont know whetherh people will become like that.. but.. i dunno.. i accept this as my reality now.. but this reality includes everything that i have back home. i wont let myself be completely absorbed by my own stupid life man.

anyways everyone i know i love... take care man! i am thinking of u... we'll meet very soon (:(:(:(:

wah lao! someone on my msn list has the nic singaporean girls are sian.

... firstly i hate generalisations.. and secondly that is just a load of crap. i feel so indignant for all my friends who have great personalities. so stop being a narrow-minded loser.
thank you. just had to get that out. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

and.. there were things i wanted to say.. some sentimental stuff about singapore.. which i totally forgot.. so.. yea. another time. hmm. got a MILLION things on my mind now... arghhhh no time no time no time!!!!!!!!! someone asked me how ready am i on a scale of 1-10 to leave.. and i told him 0. im off the scale. :(

i was reading the damage done until like 5 am yesterday... and it just got really really depressing... finished it today.

it just made me doubt so many things.. and wonder about so many things.. the world really just appears to be such a terrible place just full of so much evil.. as well.. simplistic as that sounds.. it's true..

and.. there must be something better right? something better than all the hate/anger/torture/evil that this world has to offer. there has to be something better... and i think we'll find out soon.

so.. got this from sarah's blog.. who got it from dan nee elle. basically you just put your library.. of in this case my mp3 player.. in shuffle mode.. and answer the questions in the order of the songs that come up.. pretty interesting results..

1.What's my mood like right now?
OCEAN DEEP - cliff richard

I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls
The pretty girls go sailin' by

Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
solitary room

Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

im so lonely, lonely, lonely (ocean deep)
on my own in my room

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
UNCHAINED MELODY - righteous brothers
haha.. i dont think so man.

3. What kind of person am I?
MORE THAN WORDS - mr big
i am a person of few words.. much of the time.. but.. that doesnt mean there's nothing more

4. Am I loved?
DARE YOU TO MOVE - switchfoot

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOURED THING
haha.. in so so many ways.. i think u really need that in whatever u do.. or whatever relationships you have. not talking about bgr.

6. What should I do with my life?
MAN IN THE MIRROR - michael jackson

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

m starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
CANTO ALLA VITA - josh groban/the corrs
(SONG TO THE LIFE)

Dedicated to the one who guilty or innocent
Lost in this sea
Yielded to the stream
Who didn't ever be a winner

Dedicated to the one always keeping a hope
In front of a sorrow
In the cold of a room

Dedicated to the one searching his own freedom
I sing to life
To all its beauty
To every wound of it
To every caresse of it

I sing to life
To it's tragic beauty
To pain and to strife
Let all that dance through me
The rise and the fall
I lived through it all

Dedicated to the one who always made it dry
Like possessed, slipped through fingers
It was always already over

I sing to life
Reflected into your eyes
Easy and endless
Promised land for us

I sing to life
Sweet and even fierce
To this journey of ours
Which still puts us in chains
It calls us...

8. What is my best quality?
BOSTON - augustana

9. How does my sex life look?
SUPREME - robbie williams
hahaa. NA man.

10. What's the meaning of life?
MYSTERY TRAIN - bon jovi

11. What do people think of me?
WE'VE GOT IT GOING ON - bsb
hurhurr.. i dont really think so..

12. Would I make a good catch?
THE DISTANCE - bon jovi
mmm.. maybe after a very very long time.. if someone would still bother

13. How crazy am I?
I'LL GIVE IT ALL

14. Will I have a good life in general?
JESUS, YOU ALONE - paul Oakley and tim hughes

15. Can (insert YOUR name here) ever really love me?
HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US - sarah sadler

16. Can me and (insert YOUR name here) ever be more than friends?
MORE THAN THAT - bsb
that's nice. unfortunately no one in mind.
on second thought.. fortunately.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
THERE'S A HERO - billy gilman
(:

18. Where will I be a year from now?
SHE'S SO HIGH - kurt nilsen
I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!

19. What is my biggest wish?
GREASED LIGHTNING - grease
apparently i'll develop a massive love for automobiles. and grease.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
FREEDOM - george michael
definitely not in NS. hopefully older.. not younger. ha.

21. How will I die?
SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY - bsb
):

22. What will happen after I die?
CAPTAIN CRASH AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM MARS - bon jovi

23. How do my friends feel about me?
FOREVER - chris tomlin


all in all.. quite accurate.. weirdly so.. and.. esp with the christian songs.. quite wow. really.
supreme. hurhurhurrrrrr.

so.. we had the award ceremony today.. mmm.. sigh. no comments..
but i did get my sword.. (:
i never would have envisioned this at the start of bmt..


thanks to leon...



thanks to wanling..




to wanling.. van.. jinping.. i think i probably felt this more a couple of months back when we found out our results.. but im just glad we made it together.. (:

i believe that the people we meet in our lives... it's all for a purpose.. and today.. just proved that completely.

i am so grateful.. but yet.. really feel like.. i have let _______________ and many many people down.. but today.. it gave me a definite motivation.. inspiration... (:

even though we're going very different ways.. and leading very different lines.. thank you. really. (:

anyways i bought this book from kinokuniya that day.. called.. the damage i think or something like that.. it's about this australian guy called warren fellows i think (too lazy to find the book) who got caught traficking (how the heck do u spell this word!) tra-fic-king.. should be correct right.. anyways yea drugs into thailand and got put in prison for 12 years.. and it's about all the HELL he went through there.. and i've been reading and it's really like hell in hell man.

there was something in the prologue about one of the worst things that happened there.. and i cant do justice to his experience so i'll just describe it briefly. apparently they were in their cells at night when they heard these damn hellish screams from am frenchman in a cell nearby and it continued for extremely long.. finally he and some other englishman begged a guard to let them into his cell and when they got there they saw the frenchman was just like.. completely zoned out and still screaming like hell and below his ear there was a HUGE lump. and so they held him down, the englishman used a razor to cut his skin and out spilled a whole load of worms.. maggots.. etc.. apparently a cockroach had crawled into his ear and laid eggs down there... mmmmmmm...

i told my bro and he said something like that happened when he went to brunei for an exercise too. a cockroach crawled into his friend's ear when he was sleeping and his friend just spent the whole time screaming like nobody's business.. apparently he could hear all the ssssssss sounds and what have you.. so they went to the doc and the doc drowned the cockroach first and then inserted a scissors inside to cut it into half so he could take it out... and his ear was bleeding like crap for a very long time.

crap man. i hope that never happens to me when i go outfield. there was one night in service term when i was sleeping.. damn tired as always.. and suddenly i felt this pain in my ear.. and i woke up in like a semi conscious state and i could feel whatever was inside. it was either a huge mosquito or fly.. and hear all the zzzzzzzzzzz-ing sounds.. crap man. then i was like o ok.. and thank goodness my sbo was beside me.. took out the pincer thing from my jackknife and stuck it into my ear and pulled whatever it was out.. and then went back to sleep.. after that i thought maybe it was a dream.. but im absolutely sure it was not.. mmm.. ok man. i shall go and do some investigation on earplugs or something.

sooo.. tmr's the ceremony. and im dreading it.. honestly.. i really really hate taking pictures.. and tmr is gonna be cheese cheese cheese non stop. sigh. im terrible. im supposed to be honoured. and excited. and i am. but im dreading it horribly too..

so wow im shocked huiluan! hahaa i still think of u occasionally i didnt know u still came here.. (: honestly u made bmt that much more.. survivable. hahaa really. i still remember talking with you and all.. it's great. and of course ur guy craziness is just simply hilarious.. all the best to u man.. in smu and whatever direction in life u choose.. (:

and yes sarah shi kin kin. i miss you too...

my sister is sec 1 now.. back then she was trying to feed a biscuit to her bear...
believe it or not.. my dad still looks the same...

this is really just the most heartbreaking picture on earth.. :'(

i really hope im not being irresponsible towards them.. for selecting this path..

i guess it's amazing how words can somehow make anything sound so beautiful.. so motivating.. so inspirational.. so moving.. when essentially.. it is built on a foundation of self centeredness.. and a whole load of air.

and it's amazing too how words can make something so... sad.. with real feeling sound like nothing more than childish angst.

the former makes me really really really angry. sometimes i doubt whether im wrong.. but deep down i believe that i am not. it's just that the world sees things on such a surfacial value.. and the former always comes in victorious.. yea even in the midst of all this empty pain.

i dont know why i let things like that affect me. but it just pisses me off so damn much when.. the real things that should be recognised are not. i know the people around me.. who are just great in their own right.. and the small things they do everyday.. are just so much more than a whole load of empty ****.

but i guess that's supposed to be the beauty of things right. i just hate how it annoys me so much. stupid things. really stupid things.

decided to change my layout... just tired of the old one.. wanted something.. seemingly more peaceful.. happier.. white-ish.. instead of black black black.. but i guess that didnt work out.. at least.. here's a picture of happier.. happier days.. probably the happiest days of my life.. sigh. too bad i was too young.. and childish back then to truely appreciate it.. or maybe that's what made it so great..

put up the chatterbox thing again too.. i dont know who still comes here.. but when i go overseas.. like.. a form of communication i can still have with people here.. hopefully..

anyway.. it suddenly.. got me thinking again.. just suddenly.. i remember watching that show on tv that day.. and she went online and did the test.. and it confirmed it for her.. and i just did it.. and it definitely is true..

everyday.. everyday for the past few years.. i've kept killing myself over it.. but in a way have become so so numb.. so while i keep putting myself down you know.. just accept it.. coz it's so normal.. so common.. but it's affected.. every every aspect of my life.. and so many things which i have thought normal all this while.. are really just not normal at all.. and i guess i suddenly thought of that just now.. and admitted to myself.. almost like started crying or something. i think i am crazy man.. but no i am not.. just merely.. ____________ ..

it was kinda like a revelation.. and i really dont know.. how to get over.. this..

especially now that im leaving soon.. sigh. i really dont know man. i never believed that it was really a _________ thing.. but suddenly.. i think it might be true.. sigh. i really really really dont know what to do.... there're so so many things i'm dreading in the next two weeks.. i dunno man.

i dunno how to make things the same again.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

- changes. david bowie

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-------------------------------------------(
:'(

grass! grass! grass!

hahaaa. Anyways..

sigh. sometimes.. when i talk bout it and all.. i feel so convinced.. and other times.. i just think.. what the heck have i done. hahaa.. certain moments.. i mean.. it's normal right.. it wont take away any dedication.. but it's normal right...

sigh. i wish that i didnt... _____ __ ________ then i could say that.. i was really really enjoying whatever now man.. coz today was kinda fun.. but then on the other hand... u know.. there really will never be a ____ ..

and.. i really hope singapore doesnt... offer.. well.. incentives.. based on race or whatever it is.. meritocracy.. hahaa.. in a very practical sense it is practised.. but.. after this period of time and results and stuff.. i realised once again.. there're so many things which are just so bullshit... so so bullshit.. but it's just the world! and reality is as so.. and.. as long as we're happy with what we're doing. right?

right. good. (:

this is for all the lonely people
thinkin' that life has passed them by
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
ride that highway in the sky

this is for all the single people
thinkin' that life has left them dry
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
you never know until you try

and i'm on my way
yes, i'm on my way
well, i'm on my way back home

- jars of clay

i wish i had a gift in writing lyrics.. or poems.. or.. a gift in expressing myself in beautiful paragraphs.. which so many of my friends do.. but i dont.

i think there're just so many people i've failed in my life.. and whatever has happened in the past few years.. or however i have been.. i think it's amazing that i still have them.. somewhere in my life.. that they still have the remote interest in my existence..

i dont know who still comes here.. to this very isolated place online which i have hardly updated since.. selling my soul.. haa.. nah.. since.. i chose whatever direction in my life that i did.. but im just.. sorry for freezing people out.. the many times i dont reply.. dont turn up.. there're many things i wanna do.. but cant for certain reasons..

it's such a big gift to just.. walk around.. anywhere.. the neighbourhood.. orchard.. sit in the bus.. and just like.. feel totally at ease.. comfortable.. happy.. confident..

i've had that gift for a few moments this year.. but i've taken it away from myself..

i cant believe im leaving in 2 weeks.. it never occured to me that it was a reality until.. just about yesterday.. something i've wanted my whole life.. and suddenly.. im just not sure.. about so many thousand things. i wish i could.. leave in a good state.. and what was originally.. 2 months.. has become 2 weeks to do so..

i always kinda thought i had some character. and i think it still exists somewhere inside.. this whiny side is just.. the unfortunate winner at the moment..

ha. on another note.. i dont understand man.. it's forever forever the wrong people.. hahaa. but really man. happiness is there for u to like.. grab. sigh. ok.

i think.. that.. it's difficult for people to distinguish themselves between doing things coz they care about people or whatever it is.. and doing things which are essentially.. just for themselves. it's a huge difference between being selfless and selfish but yet the line that separates the two is so fuzzy.. and just sometimes completely blinded by one's ego. i thought u would realize that at some point in time.. but i guess.. some things will never change. it's disappointing. and it angers me how much.. it's as disappointing as it is annoying.

was just looking back at like.. super old entries.. when i started writing here.. and wow. sound totally different man. sounded so much more full of life. even though i dont remember that as being a good period.. well.. it hasnt been a good period forever.. but still.. maybe it's coz life was really so hectic then.. and having to be that way coz i was out there the entire time.. not by choice.. but yea..

arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dunnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. if i came across this blog i would seriously dislike the owner of it. which of course. is not much difference.

today. a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.

a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.
and we had a short chat about his future after he orded in 2 weeks time.

it seems like nothing. yet it means so damn much to me.

sigh. there is a reason for my being here.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

same as u hazel (:

wow. these 3 days have been so.. hardhitting. especially today. today was mindblowing.
i dont wanna say too much.. coz.. i dunno.. to me a lot of things do with the organisation.. are better left unsaid.

i am just so overwhelmed..

i think back to the first day of bmt.. when i couldnt even hold the 1 litre bottle with my elbow 90 degrees.. arms trembling.. the first 5bx.. i was panting like hell running up the hill and doing guy push ups for the first time ever and holding it there forever.. the first part of bmt was miserable.. not so much because of the training.. but because.. i felt i just couldnt fit in.. but things got better.. i kinda found my placing.. and when we passed out.. i felt confident that i'd reach a certain level. but of course.. that confidence really in the terms of the real world... would prob be like 1/10.

when we went to service term. things... were definitely tough initially.. i think a lot of the stress i've faced in the army.. was a lot and a lot to do with mental.. i dont mean mental as in with o man i must endure this route march mental.. i mean in terms of.. my placing.. my role in the saf..

now thinking back about all my worries and anger at myself with my disability to strip and assemble gpmgs or whatever it was fast.. all my technical problems.. it all seems so long ago.. i remember feeling so miserable coz i couldnt even master the basics. these simple basics. and i always got up so early and slept so late.. trying to study.. run things over in my mind.. and i just felt miserable. like i couldnt match up to anyone. what kinda officer could i be if i could almost kill myself stripping a gpmg. and i remember feeling so miserable because.. i felt so alone. just couldnt really speak to anyone.. coz everyone was so different.. just felt so weak. and so alone. but i guess as time went by.. things got better.. got to know all the guys.. went about doing what i needed to do... but i still faced many many problems.. one huge one which i cant say here.. and a lot more.. and i wasnt given any positions of leadership.. so basically i did a shitload of saikang.. and.. yea.. i dunno i just really was giving my all in everything.. but basically being kinda behind the sceneish. like.. i just couldnt show myself or anything man..

sigh there's so much to say.. and i cannot express adequately.. i can never.. my experience.. but when i was cwc.. things kinda changed.. and i did gain more faith in myself i think.. i always had a problem.. with my type of leadership.. which i know.. is very different from how things are usually done in the army.. and my character.. these are things which would make it hard to.. so called.. show myself.. and rise.. or whatever it is.. but that period kidna proved that.. there are different ways to do things.. and i think whether things are effective or not.. it really all boils down to the individual. i believe.. if u have the right character.. motives.. people will see that and respect that.

but after everything had been said and done.. i still had so many doubts.. and fears.. whether i could make it.. how i could contribute.. whether there was a place for me here.. but this three day workshop.. and after today's especially.. it just really made clear to me a lot of things.. theree are definitely still fears.. but.. yea.. it just reaffirmed a lot of things.. and although i know that everything has its negatives.. im glad.. and have a lot of pride in this path i've chosen..

i cant articulate myself. but am very overwhelmed. was reading cpt seah's msg just now and suddenly felt like crying. i think my face changed shape for like 10 seconds and the tau hui auntie must have had a shock of her life. things are definitely not going to be easy at all. it's not liek suddenly im so positive and so extremely happy now. but i have hope la. and i believe that against all odds.. i KNOW i can do something here. i wish people outside really knew.. what it means to really be part of the saf..

thinking about what i would want in my career.. i dunno.. everyone has always been saying think ahead.. where u can get to in whatever vocation u join.. and i know the one i've chosen.. it wont be easy at all to get to so called high positions. which was something i never gave any thought or consideration to in the first place.. or thought mattered at all. and i know i would never make the effort to show the boss what the hell im doing coz it just doesnt matter and i cant be bothered. there's so much many more worthwhile things to do for the poeple so called 'below' u.. the men.. than to shove in ur boss's face ur achievments or whatever. but for a while there it kinda made me wonder whether i was being too un realistic.. and worried about my prospects which i think by the way i do things would not be good.. but.. i think today just reaffirmed even more that.. it sounds so corny and slightly.. shallow to say that all i wanna do is touch.. or just leave.. a positive mark on someone's life. that's all i wanna do here. and when i was thinking about that.. i realised that.. i believe i have already done that.. during my cadet term.. im sure a lot of people have.. and a lot of people have on me but we prob dont realise or think about it.. and.. as long as i feel that i am making a contribution. to someone. anyone. and to make a contribution to the organisation.. i will definitely try. definitely.

i think i always impose a lot of.. sexist ideas upon myself.. against my own gender. i think people have this specific image of females in this occupation.. and like.. what the hell am i doing here.. it really isnt a place meant for females. which i agree with. it wasnt initially but times are changing and if one can contribute. why not? i think i need to stop imposing and reinforcing these ideas myself.. but really believe that something can be done here.

it is my privilege. and.. im just ready to embark on this journey man.

i know. i know there are a lot of bad things in this world. but superficially speaking.

is there anything worse than feeling so uncomfortable in ur own skin.
that u really just have no character.
or personality.
or intellect.
or heart.

is there anything worse.

there's a fine line between being honest.. and being a damn insensitive *******.
im so sick of being obliging. and unoffendable.
i think i've let myself be insulted so many times and just laughed everything off until it just screwed me up completely.. and the irony is that.. the result.. makes the above even more repeatable.. yes. this complicated weird nonsensical sentence is something that only i can understand.

if i look as arrogant and fierce as people say i do. then why the hell am i so damn bullyable.

shit. i need to stand up for my rights.

:(

damn u.. really.

but thanks. for the motivation.

:(

how did things get to this point.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

since im in such an offensive mood today.. i shall continue.
which part of 'please. make your way out of my life.' do you not understand.
i know it's not my choice it's a personal choice.
but even so. somehow. it makes me feel violated. still.
sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

on a happier note. the baby in Kevin Hill is DAMN cute. my goodness. sigh. if only i was as confident, happy and _____ as she was cute.

that concludes another whiny post. seemingly whiny. but not.
im just damn sick of so many things.

Dear Child,

I love you. You are very special to me. I know that you are getting weary of your ______ and have been struggling for a long time now, but I am still with you. It is not fair that you experience this pain, while you do good in this world, and your sisters seem to have no problems at all.

However, you are not the problem child. You are a loved child, loved by me, your family, and the many others who have connected with you. In this life, there will be many struggles. They will be unfair, but I have not put these burdens upon you. I have allowed Satan to put this burden upon you, so that you may become strengthened and draw closer to me.

Later in life, after you have ________, I may use you to help others who are struggling as you once were, to give them encouragement and make a difference in their lives.I am so proud of you for fighting this, and I want you to know that as you continue to fight, I am listening to your prayers and hear you always. It is not that I have forgotten about you, or have not heard, it is that I have far greater plans than you could ever imagine, and _____________________ is not part of my great plan for you.

My only son came to this world so that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly. This is my plan for you.What I need you to do is stop turning to the world for answers, stop looking inside of yourself and putting yourself down, instead turn to me and I will forever protect you. Stop holding onto a single thread. Let go of that thread, and turn to me, a rope that will strengthen you and lift you up.I love you my child, do not lose faith. You are special to me. You are loved by me. You can overcome this, I know you can.

Love,God

life for the past month has been pretty much _____ . hahaa. makes me damn ___________ i thought things would be like __________ after all these months.. but nope. i guess when u're taken out of an environment of comfort and with ur own false assurance that u've changed... u realise that u havent. not one bit. and that was merely manifestation of sorts of the orginal shit but in a different way.

speaking very matter-of-factly. there're so many things that i hate about myself. especially now. i feel like im having some out of body experience and i really dislike wei lynn. like seriously. it limits me in so many things i can be doing.. and definitely affects my relationships with others. im way surprised i still have friends. sorry man.

so yea. after giving myself a few imaginary slaps. it's time to snap out of this and EMBRACE life. and turn over a new leaf. hurray.

:(

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic. With friends, you seem thoughtful and interested in ideas. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

what nonsense man. i am an anti-flirt. un-flirt. i cant do it for shit. i wont even think of doing it for shit. and sometimes.. i think im super damn naive in the sense that i find it hard to recognise.. im like the last person to realise anything.. and even if there is like whatever.. i super dont ever believe it.. ok nvm moving on.

so.. it's been a long time since i blogged.. and there are a lot of things i wanna say.. but a lot of things i feel i cannot say..

i dunno.. to me i treat things.. that i think are serious.. very seriously. and i think it's serious that i am part of the saf.. and u know.. i have a responsibility in the things i say and the way i behave. so if this was the old me.. i would go crazy coz i have really a lot of shit to say. but i cant. i have to censor even more things. sigh.

all i can say.. is after the psc pre depart course last week.. im damn glad if there's any org i belong to.. it's the saf. i realise that scholars are not what they are made out to be.. they're so damn normal people.. well.. ok some seem like really knowledgeable and whatever it is.. but i mean.. they're so human. they're not 'perfect' at all.. there're so many flaws here and there too. i wanna say so much more.. but i cant go further. for a particular session.. there was a good 2 hours tha ti was pissed off at something.. and that made me realise.. that i really have a passion for what im doing. so whoever pissed me off. i thank you very much.

people had a lot to say and comment and challenge the guest speakers.. initially i thought. shit im way way way out of my league. coz honestly i dont really give much of a fill-in-the-blanks about local politics or whatever it is. so suddenly this whole long sentence of super bombastic words lasting for a grand total of like 2 minutes or something will come blaring out of someone's mouth in an extremely passionate manner.. and there i am falling asleep going what the... i mean sometimes it is interesting and i listen.. and i have opinions. but some questions.. u know. some things which never need to be asked are just asked for the sake of asking. and i hate that. i really really hate that. i think if u wanna ask something.. really have an interest in it. if not something simple which u know u can answer yourself. come on man. be real.

i dunno whether that makes me sound like an arrogant idiot but trust me i am not at all.. sigh. in fact very much still the opposite. sadly. although i probably look damn a lot like one still as from the feedback gathered. there're reasons for everything.. i dunno man.

right now i have 4 weeks to get my act together and im off.. the lots more that i wanted to say.. i dont really want to anymore.. sigh. so goodbye and goodnight.

wait. i want to ask again. WHY cant people just say what the hell they're really thinking. like if for example u ____ some shit. dont do it in such an indirect manner i mean if u want people to acknowledge ur achievements.. or whatever it is. a disguise of humility is not gonna cut it. or dont lie to urself or lie to others if u really know what the truth is. u know what im sayin.

all i can say is i've failed. the past 30 days. i have failed. and i have 30 more to succeed.

sigh. help. but dont help. u know. i am worried. worried.

suddenly a thought came to me today. i should write a book. i was thinking of all the bombastic things that people say. all along i guess i kinda feel inferior in a sense. let's talk about lit. i like lit. to a certain extent. coz i hate all the over analysis. and i dont exactly like certain books that people would term like wow. brilliant or whatever it is. i guess im a way im just a damn simple person. i dont demand much.. from life.. from books.. but yet i demand a lot more. sigh. so anyways i suddenly thought hey man. even though poeple love to read all these cheem things which win nobel prizes and things like that. i think people will appreciate a book which is damn open and honest and simple language which the common man can understand. and i have been thinking of ideas. so maybe one day i will write a book. i have beent hinking of things to write about.. and i realise there really is a lot to if i wanna be completely open. but i cant. sigh. so. i am back to square one. hurray.. ! -_-

on another note. the love of my life is newcastle. it really really is. i dont care if it makes me sound like some retarded kid. coz no one will ever understand this special relationship. sigh.

who is this shearer. he is a bit too perfect. but yet so human. who is this shearer man.