delete

i just deleted all my previous posts of outburst of emotion.
basically in the last few days my idiotic neighbours have been giving me hell and my roommate stole from me by using my debit card to buy something online and i found out about it. im still really very angry and sad over it. but.. all's good.

i just spoke to one of the girls from this batch of cadets online... my ex pc gave her my email coz she needed some advice regarding choosing services.. and i just preached to her online for 1+ hours...

i dont know. there are something i can never express here in this public space. but other than that.. right now.. i think i just feel really disappointed in myself. even after just one conversation. i feel so fired up and passionate about my career. it never. never leaves my mind. im even taking classes because i want to.. have more knowledge about my job. i dream about it. i have nightmares about it. it's become such a huge part of who i am. and i feel like ive just disappointed. disappointed some people who believed in me and myself. with how i am now.

i cant take this lying down. i really have to put up a fight.. wl concentrate on your own job man.. stop thinking of other people... passion means nothing.. if i dont act on it. if i allow myself to waste away like a worthless piece of trash.

you know what. i will get a freaking 4.0 gpa.
i will give a damn good presentation on cambodia and knock my own socks off.
i will write the best policy paper to mr lky.
i will stun my professor with my knowledge of chinese cinema.
i will psych you out of your consciousness. whatever that means.
i will tread my way to an A. no i won't capsize.
you will remember that mi chiamo wei lynn! sì! sono attiva, allegra, forte e bella (hahaaahaa just kidding la)!!!!!!! benissimo!!!!!

i will be able to translate my opinions into words confidently.
i will be more optimistic, talk more, share myself with the world.

i will be ready for my attachment.
i will run 2.4 in... 9 mins. yes you heard me. nine-ass-minutes.... eventually. hoho.
i will be excited for all the challenges that lie ahead.
i will carry myself with dignity and take away all worthless self doubt.

i will catch up with friends i have not seen in a year.
and i will walk this journey with god

i have wasted too much of my youth. but it's ok! coz i see green pastures ahead. cows.. dancing in the meadows.. pigs laughing hysterically with flowers tucked behind their pretty little ears. ah! how i look forward to that.. i see hope! light! colours! ahhh.. there i am... o wow. it cant be. but no. it is real. i really am 165 cm... cool sh*t!

NO i am not gonna put myself down in this sentence...
just wait and see... me. i'll prove you wrong.

--------------------------------------------

whoa. cool. postnote. this is seriously damn good therapy. i may be retarded and fool around. but i seriously feel better now.

the chief

super super tired now. have had classes from 11 am to 8 pm and only managed to fall asleep at 6 plus am last night. ahhh and have a ton of work to do.. but nvm must get some things out of my system.

was really shocked that day when danielle asked me if my uni was the one in the news where they were retiring the chief illiniwek which has been our university's mascot forever.. and been very controversial for an extremely long time too. and i was going to yahoo to search for something and saw this news as the main headline. i had no idea it was that big news. well but ok.. to be fair.. brit spears freaking shaving her head was a headline too a few days ago.. but anyways. back to way more important things...

i think why the board suddenly took action and came to such a fast decision is because during winter break at the end of last year, we got a mass email from the chancellor (yes. the one who cancelled 2 days of school. he's the man.) about some party.. i honestly cant remember but something along the lines of some racist portrayal of native americans and all these controversial issues and feelings across campus for these millions of years just suddenly erupted and like.. they really had to make a decision. a little background on the chief.. some people feel he's racist and making fun of native americans whom have had a history of huge ostracism here at my uni some time back.. can read more about thishere.

there was a forum on this issue held on campus. i think i mentioned this before actually.. which i attended and huge huge droves of students turned up.. most of the speakers who spoke were native americans.. some from really far away.. but there was this one guy.. he's either stupid or really has guts. he spoke against this big fuss on racism.. and i think he had a point.. but the way he put it across was just.. not very bright and slightly illogical.. although i could see what he was getting at. something about him not being racist because he himself had family members who died in the holocaust (he's jewish) and something about how coca cola is damn good.. (yea that's another issue)... anyways i dont know. it was very emotional. and when i spoke to my friend later she said she was a little angry coz a forum is supposed to be an opportunity to hear from both sides.. but yet when that one guy spoke.. everyone booed him.. and the whole thing was very obviously a one-sided affair from start to end.

anyways the university made the decision a few days ago to retire the chief.. and i honestly dont think they really had any other option.. anything else and they would have been seen to be allowing "racism" to continue its long existance on campus. from what ive seen and heard.. i think there's actually a huge, huge majority that's pro chief.. and although i dont really want to say anything because.. it's such a touchy issue. and maybe im wrong. and i obviously dont know it feels like for american indians. racism is such a touchy issue.. that people can use it to their advantage sometimes.. you know what i mean? i dont mean all.. i mean some. just those very few.. that it kinda becomes some kinda empowerment in its shame. in a sense. i should have gotten tix to tonight's bball game where he's making his last dance.. it's a part of history man.





actually this WASNT what i wanted to blog about at all... but im seriously too tired now. maybe tmr. reminder to self

- why we fight
- american students
- us foreign policy
- Bush, Eisenhower, Cheney
- IR.. freaking officials.. career.. knowledge..
- US troops.. war.

til the next time.

casualties of war

found this pic around.. taken when nette and grace came to my place to give me something before i left.. on the steps of the staircase.. we kinda look like we're conducting some shady business.. like drugs or something.. or at least i do.. one thing that destroys this "shady image" is how widely they're smiling.. hurhurhurrr. sneaky man. actually come to think about it. with my excuse for a haircut and worn out shirt.. i kinda look like their hostage.

i had a nightmare just now.. to cut a long story short. a whole series of funny events occured.. but anyways somehow i was trying to find my war vet professor a place to stay.. but ended up taking him down to a tunnel full of bodies all chopped up.. mashed up.. whatever it is.. from the war for 4 hours and 11 minutes. this is what happens when you let your mind get too busy.. too involved in what you're studying.. and well.. career.. sigh.

there's a great war movie i watched a long time ago called casualties of war... actually i cant really use the word great. im sorry. coz war is just too damn disgusting.. and to use great would be celebrating its portrayal on film. which is still dead ugly. but it is a well made film. if anyone is interested in war.. can check it out. old film. Michael J Fox.

if anyone has a mac.. they should subscribe to something on the straits times website which will give auto updates on news when you come online... i was just scrolling through that day (can only see headlines and summary if you wanna read the whole thing you gotta fork out some cash) and there was this interesting piece of news about a british soldier's postcard to his sweetheart which finally arrived 92 years after he sent it from the trenches of world war 1. anyway he got out alive and they got married, but now their daughter who's already a grandmother of 3 doesnt understand what the fuss is over this. -_-. weird. i think it's.. dare i say it.. quite a romantic story.

home

cny has never really meant anything to me.. we have a reunion dinner.. usually just my family and my grandmother and some simple steamboat thing. and then the next 2 days when i was younger we went visiting.. a couple of houses.. maybe 3.. nothing more. new clothes? maybe sometimes a top or something. and i seriously have no idea what's the big fuss over freaking angbaos. i think in the "better" years i just got slightly over a 100 and that money kinda goes back to my parents coz they dont have the cash in the first place to fork out the money for the angbaos they had to give up. receiving money is just dumb. you use it to get something and then like.. what's next. big deal. so it's a stupid cycle more than anything. ive never even tried freaking yusheng or lao-ing or all that bubugaosheng chengyu stuff until last year during training. my cnys are as un-cny as they can get. but i kinda like it that way. i like how my family doesnt really give a sh-t

when i got older, i just had dinners. i think i havent gone visiting for about 4 years. so really cny just means public holiday.

but this year. i dont wanna go into too deep detail.. because i dont know who possibly reads this. but cny this year... miserable. i really. really. want to be home right at this moment. i dont know if i need a lesson on social skills or a complete overhaul of personality. but some things just dont work like they did before.

sigh. i really really really want to be home right at this moment... hahaa... but i think my stupid homesickness is nothing less than a disgrace.

ok my mum just called. and even my aunt and uncle and grandmother said hi.
sigh.
someone just kill me now. please. with your weapon of choice. i dont care.

"very pity"

am in an ultra serious mood now.

i should be happy. we've just had two days of school cancelled. and because i missed 2 classes on monday due to certain holey jeans emergencies and missed tues and wed killer days, i only have 3 classes this week. when. when will this ever happen again.
answer: next year. i hope. fingers cross cross croxxxx.

ok. maybe not so serious. but still. i feel very old now. like freaking 1 million. vday has flown by without leaving any trace on my life. o no that sentence sounded bitter. not at all. just that seeing some pictures made me miss friends... 2 days have flown by with just an occasion of frostbite. last night. i was out in the snow knee-deep for so damn long. with converse sneakers ankle socks jeans. when i came back my legs and feet were completely red. numb. itchy. swollen. the last one gave me a small heart attack. my heart skipped a few beats but returned to normal with the disappearance of aforementioned symptoms. i would include a picture. but right now.. i dont want to spoil the somber mood of this post.

i dont know why everytime i have some free time. i get homesick. actually i know. but. it's just an expression. i really do honestly believe that the best years.. have just flashed by, unappreciated by me. and ahead... just lies more stress, more worries, which come with the whole package of growing up. i might habour some excitement, and maybe some thoughts that i can make something out of my life. but right now.. that just isnt coming through that much.

it just really seems that everyone has moved on... denise and camillia have moved on from the IUD incident, my primary school best friend has moved on from hamburger juice and cartwheels, manda has moved on from being an awkward female leaving me behind, maggot has moved on to ireland, friends have gone to NUS, joined different things, met different people, and i have too... moved so far away.

i cant imagine what it would be like to meet people again. i am quite extremely sure i have a mental problem. secretly, i harbour a love for acting. and sometimes. i act out these situations to myself. i might be kidding. or not. but whatever it is. i was thinking about it in the bus. i think i was thinking of hazel. and tears welled up in my eyes. it just seems like it's not going to happen. and i dont know.. i worry that connections will be lost. is my life destinied to only be full of guys. NOT in the romantic sense. from here on? no way man. i wont accept that.

im keeping this dreamlog right now for psychology. and i've been having weird dreams/nightmares everyday. i think line has a quote something like only in our dreams are we truely awake. or something like that. i think it works for me. ive been dreaming my brother is a murderer, and i have to warn fiona xie about it. ive been dreaming of my career... a lot. actually.. it's quite hilarious. coz i have to record them IMMEDIATELY when i wake up. and you know how you always awake in a semi-conscious state. here is an example. my goodness.. i just read it over.. have no idea what the hell im saying:

Had an extremely long dream, but only remember the end. was hanging out with a girl who is here too and from singapore. the scene played over quite a few times in different ways. basically she told me she had been living in teh states since she was born and i felt some 'suspicion' and 'disagreement' when she mentioned how good the food, drink and movie etc here were. we also bought milkshakes from a store... many times. also, i dreamt of 2 guys who were actually hosts/celebs themselves, they were bitten by a fan of a huge korean superstar whom they were showing around. the girl in question was physically/mentally handicapped, but very pity"

ok. what the hell was i saying especially the last part?! terrible. terrible english. maybe i meant pitiful. maybe i meant pretty. i cant even remember. since i dont feel like sleeping. i shall type more for self-amusement.

"I had dreams and nightmares completely different one following the other. in the last one which i remember most vividly, i came "home" one day to find my father worrying that my brother would be killed sooner or later because he had just killed 2 more people (apparently all these people were bad and were making attempts to end his life). He killed them when they tried to track him down at home, and my dad had to put their bodies in a bag for the police to take away. the girl (the other was a boy) was a local celeb from back home whom we knew. we went for a dinner and later to a police shootout scene (yea even though she was dead. somehow it became her brother that was dead now). we saw how coolly the police handled 2 pretty assassins. when my brother went ot the toilet, i went to find the girl, told her i needed to talk to her about her brother (i wanted to find out how much she knew to protect mine). my brother scolded me coz he said she did not know at all that he was the killer and i was exposing him"

what the hell man. sigh. doesnt even make sense. and in semi-consciousness. i have revealed what a poor command of the language i have.

ive been thinking a lot about kristin too recently. i dont know why. and am getting kinda upset over that. maybe it's just starting to become a reality for me a couple of years down the road.

i was thinking of putting the pic of being knee deep in snow up. but maybe another time. because im in it. i have to think a lot more carefully. plus it's my virgin attempt at wearing gloves. extremely shy about that.

(edited: words removed to protect privacy... resulting in this "no link" paragraph...) i really dislike my name. t--- is geeky cool alone. and after all it is my dad's surname. w-- l--- is not that bad coz i like the combination. but together. o man. im sick of being called w-- l---, t---



or even worse wei. or even even worse...




i am not wei toog. although i have no doubt wei toog is a great person. this was supposed to be serious.. but the mood has taken an unexpected twist. shall keep my seriousness for another day.shiver and goodnight.

note to self: rubbish leg, popo, the green.

BLIZZARD

you know there're some things that you never thought you'd say in a million years. well, this for me is one of them...

SCHOOL HAS BEEN CANCELLED TODAY COZ OF A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!

it's crazy man. the snow is just blowing all over in the strong winds.. and i think the snow is about 2 feet high at some parts? i dont know. i dont have a sense of measurement. just took some pictures from my dorm.. feel like going outside but dont really wanna walk knee deep in snow.. not sure if these pictures do justice to the weather though.

the irony is that... i would usually be sleeping. but i got awaken by shouts of school being cancelled and got so excited that i couldnt sleep anymore. sigh.


guy at bottom right hand corner of picture using ski poles to get around




















the "cold" option on my cam


sepia

ice on my window


snow that got past my window netting...


hohoho


my shelf...

i was talking to a friend today.. and.. well.. "encountering" some things.. i realised that no matter how old.. no matter where you are.. there're always stupid people around. but.. guess it's just something to accept.. and ignore.

hehehe. holeypants.

i think psych class is super interesting! when i actually go! ..i have improved... im attending almost every single class compared to last sem's half absentees... the angel.. the angelic nerd in me.. is trying extremely hard to be victorious in this.. tournament. yea. where knights try to kill each other off with their 'chivalry'... honestly. ther eis a tremendous battle taking place. but i really need to do super super well.. sigh. and talking about psych.. the textbook is so damn big and heavy.. should reccomend it to the force for training purposes man. but ANYWAYS i digress.

the point is.. go check out this site on backmasking it's quite cool.. some stuff is funny like baby one more time... but others kinda freaky. the TA showed it to us today during class. esp led zeppelin - stairway to heaven. yea. i was hearing it a few times, and it just gets more and more creepy.. so yea check it out at your own risk.

lastly... i am very sad. it's probably not surprising to know that i wear the same pants everyday... but on sunday when i took it out of the washing machine.. this is what i found:




WHY!!!! and at any other place.. a tear might still pass as.. ohsocool. but crap. that's such a strategic place. i still wore them out today. covered with a bag. but was on my toes the entire time. my heart cant take it. sigh.. i guess they have been kinda tattered and torn too..


yes indeed... that is my roommate's kikkoman soy sauce at the bottom right corner if one possesses an observant eye



gonna send them for mending soon.. and get another pair... sigh. there goes all the cash i tried my best not to spend last week... super tired. all i wanna do is curl up and sleep now...........

snort.

there is going to be a snowstorm tonight... dunno how many million inches of snow. i am holding out for the hope of no school tomorrow. pleasepleaseplease. this is a killer week. i need a break.

i just went to tantaraaa's blog just now. and i realised someone described her as strange and beautiful. ive always thought it was very very difficult to describe her.. but.. wow. that is a really great description. i think it completely encompasses tantaraa.

vday

i realise i blog... a lot because it helps me to avoid things. even for that short period. sometimes work. like now. and because. there're many things which cannot be said to people around me now.. but can only be understood by and shared with friends at home.

anyways. i just read a friend's small tiny rant on the sacred - il quattordici febbraio -. hurhurhuhhhh. valentine's day. no it is not very bello at all. it's feb 14 right? im doing a language now and a while ago there was an online quiz which requires u to answer the date in this particular language. stunned. seriously. cannot remember. i thought it might be feb 4.. feb 24.. feb 28.. somewhere along those lines. o wait.

i dont know man... ooo yea that's next wednesday. i have a test on thursday.. that will be fun. yes! heh.. to me my first reaction is... that is just such a corny day. or celebration of 'love'. or whatever it is. ive thought this over... and i was wondering.. whether there are feelings of 'denial' as msn.com puts it very stupidly in a relatively lame article. i suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom.. all right. i shall ponder this question on vday in the cubicle. how apt.

apparently my time in the cubicle has just produced... nothing much. take it as you will. but... i dont know. maybe i just find it corny because i can be quite cold, unresponsive, and even greatly turned off by the mushy-ness of 'romance'. maybe to me... even though i realise how old we are.. and how quick we're growing up and gonna hit the big 3-0 in a couple of days time.. (yea. directly surpassing the depressing 2-0)... we're still kids. and that makes the idea of 'romance'.. that much more of a fallacy.. it does make me a little sick when i see all these mushy, corny nics of devotion to people, or in sg, when you see 2 people hand in hand, the girl.. or guy for that matter.. holding a huge bouquet of flowers when they barely look past puberty.

when i see a guy and girl around.. on campus.. my first reaction is usually.. are you kidding me. this wont last. but then i think how cute they look together... i really feel so ostracised from being a human. a member of the female race. and i mean this seriously. i look at situations from the point of an... ameoba. hahaa. i dont know.. "love" (i had to consider 30 seconds before typing that) in the romantic sense.. is so far removed... but at the same time.. seems to be meant for everyone out there. and sometimes.. it can even be.. real. but it's rare. i think. the real thing is. coz some other things.. are just so damn stupid

the above doesnt apply to my friends who are attached.. those few who are married.. because im just a ameoba expressing my childish thoughts on this complicated... yet so simple issue. my roommate came back last last night dead drunk. and when i say dead drunk.... i mean it. even though we get on really well... it was quite disturbing for me. quite scary. this event does have something to do with the above... but i shall not go into that.

i remember back in good ole' mgs... vday was kinda like.. wow. coming to school to find a table of presents of friendship... which i really did appreciate though. and in jc... it was getting flowers for the guys. i dont know. i think it'll still never mean nothing. i dont believe in... certain things a lot anymore. and not because of that... 1 'mistake'... but because of many many things which have happened and ive seen. my human life has ceased to exist. although i admit i still hold onto that.. kinda.. 1 last breath of hope. to put it dramatically.

-------------------------------------------------------

i got a HUGE charge that day for my housing... to fork out such a huge amount at one time... it's a bit of a blow coz i have to save like hell now. but then again if im complaining i really am an ungrateful piece of ____ who should stuff my head down the toilet. it's just the amount that left me stunned. when u're earning ur own cash... you realise it's really that much more difficult to spend... i fight back and forth over it in my mind... on a small cup of coffee. but really. things are not cheap.

i was talking to hazel yesterday. things might be more settled. i might be making friends. but some things are still going down the drain.. and there's never a moment i dont miss people back home. shall end by putting up some random pictures.. which are random.. but not really.

i have been thinking of something a lot recently.. and there is someone i miss a lot... but i cant find that one picture... that i gave it to her... i know... it's still in her room. i saw it. and it hasnt changed its position... and i guess even though i dont have it.. memory is good enough. that was a lesson to me. how precious some things are. but.. to realise something is one thing... and to act on it is another.
















HAHAHAHAAAAA. still cracks me up everytime


looking back.. ive never regretted going to vj.. it was different that's for sure.. and how fast those 2 years past.. makes me really sad i didnt treasure it more back then. hazel was pointing out we were 17 when we went in. imagine. 17 years old. how long ago that seems...


such a long long time ago... everyone looked so young...







i think this is my favorite picture of myself.. disregarding the fact that i dont have many to choose from. because... i dont think ive ever looked so happy.. or will like that. this was the period before. i still think i look retarded. but that is besides the point.. and.. i like how my tie is so damn messy. in regards to being a prefect... in sec school... there was just too much bs that i couldnt stand. and i treat my job seriously... i always do... but i refuse to go along with things which are just stupid and i dont agree with... or to behave in a certain way to advance myself. i wear the tie willingly. but with a refusal to bs.










some guys who i really will never forget.. to most of them they might have just been serving a mandatory period.. unwillingly or not.. and to them i might have just been some siao charbo.. but im so grateful for the experience.. that they gave me. some other day i'll write about this...

i hate sundays. i hate sundays coz i get so damn homesick and it's the day before school.

pictures!

it's.... random pictures time! and not of me! yesssssssssssssssssssssssh!!!!!

i just received a package.. am so touched.. but more on that later.. first. random pictures.



my parents redid the house a bit coz of the fire that broke out... o i dont think i told any of my friends that did i? when i was still in training and back for the weekend, i woke up to a room completely filled with smoke.. basically.. my bro's fan which he was sleeping beside self combusted and i think his bin and curtains caught fire too.. he only realised after the flame got massive. somehow my dad managed to put it out, the smoke managed to leave my house.. but.. damage was done. and walls all covered with soot. so repainting. and a new painting from ikea. our 2nd ever painting. very affordable. i like.




my sister's longtime companion.




i love these strawberries man! they look so fragile.. vulnerable.. half skin-less.. but they really radiate some kinda attractive innocence..no? (:




a bird flew into my house when i was in singapore and refused to get out. it spent some time swimming in our fish tank too and making a crapload of noise.




my bro was trying the feed-animal-some-hard-biscuit-which-it-probably-can-never-swallow thing




chef bean. i love it.. birthday present from whirlwind.. or rather from lynette who subsequently collected money from them... (:




my "fridge" in the states.. i guess winter has its plus points too. my window has this kinda like netting outside and an inner glass slide thing.. inbetween there's some space so i just use that as my fridge. the temperature outside more than qualifies.






some chocolate a friend gave me. quite cool right. just slide to open and shut.




first thing i saw when i woke up that crazy snowy day... snow was so damn thick and falling so rapidly.. couldnt tell the diff between pavements and roads and my wet converse sneakers and jeans were sunk into every step of snow... it looked good for the first day.. now it's just turned sticky, melty, black and disgusting.



view from my room. damn white huh.


--------------------------------------------------

and now.. on to the issue of the package. i got a delivery notice as always that there was a package for me for collection downstairs as i always do when i order something. usually some amazon book. i thought it was my pol sci book - global politics as if it mattered. very cynical title. i like.

but anyways i collected it.. didnt look anything like that... (my ipod preserves the privacy of the sender)
















really touched. really. and im damn shocked. the ba gua really tastes damn authentic. like it just stepped off the grills/stove/whatever of bee cheng hiang. the three different items.. one of each shall take a permanent place on my shelf of treasured things from friends that remind me of home... sender included no name, only address, no letter. but of course i know who she is. it's such a surprise coz i would never expect such an... unexpected package like that...



thanks (:

on a final note... this week has been exhausting... i really have to take action... a few moments of complete embarrassment.. i guess will mean nothing in the long run... o man. i can do it. i have to do it. this week has been fulfiling in ways too...
it felt so comfortable... wow. ive already signed a lease to stay in an apartment next year.. and im looking forward to it.. to my own place.. to hopefully be able to drive around then.. to the privacy.. but i think there's definitely parts of hall life i will miss... i'll make sure that moving out does not equal to isolation...