hurray!!! i just got back from sonicfest again!!!
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!
im a bit tired now will blog about it tomorrow and it'll serve as a reminder that no obstacle can stand in the way of me and my God
hallelujah! praise the Lord. really.

:)

yay! i just got back from sonicfest and im still on a high...
WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
tonight i love everybody!! EVERYBODY!!! tonight i am happy! tonight i will swear never to let anything get to me to the point where i think things are hopeless and sink into self pity coz things are never hopeless! God won't abandon me! and my friends wont either! hooooboyyyyy... danielle! sarah! wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
i really really needed tonight and God gave it to me.
shall blog another day... WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! cant wait for tmr!!! hallelujah!!

i suddenly feel so full of hope after the talk. and this is the first time! coz they usually leave me feeling like crap. dont really wanna talk about uni and stuff here. but yea.. i think i may have a shot even though ive been like a crapshit student. i think from last year until now the only tutorial i've done is probability. and im so damn proud of that tutorial. it is marked extremely neatly with corrections in a very lovely orange. woohoo. i know that i can never be content with staying here and i will be utterly devastated. in other words. i CANNOT stay in singapore. there's no way. this is one experience i cannot miss out on. it's huge. i'll just try to do what i have to do despite these two horrible years which will not give me an advantage in any way. damn teacher evaluations.

anyways. despite everything that has been going on. i will always always always respect my parents. and my family will always be damn impt to me. so there.

school really stinks.. like lessons wise. today was bio tut 3 periods followed by 2 periods of chem.. which were quite fun for some very interesting reasons. bio was an absolute bore. i felt so damn sorry for toh but it was.. really... really.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.. anyway the point is.. i wanna thank my friends.. esp my classmates.. who have always been there and recently and stuff. haha im not very good at this. but really man. u guys have no idea how much i appreciate these friendships.. or small gestures. these people are the only reason school is actually 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001% tolerable man. coz other than that school is really full of a lot of bullshit and i learn so much more from u guys from all the talks we have.. and all the stupid things we do.. than from plants or stats or whatever other crap there is.. well other than gp that is :) so.. thanks friends.. haha. guy. girl. whatever. although of course the girls are like >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> guys man. your friendship means a lot to me! since i am very uncomfortable using the word love. erm. but. i do love my friends la. haha. ok i shall end on this very awkward note...

o yea one more thing... thanks man grace my extremely interesting ex-desk partner.. haha i hope things are going well for u i keep meaning to send an ecard but i cant find a nice free one nowadays! gah. well.. will talk more when i send one eventually.. soon. haha u're the best man take care :)

was gonna type a whole load of shit. but i just dont feel like doing it anymore.

i've just cut ties with my mother. haha. it's gonna rain. im supposed to be in school but im not. what a great day. there's so much i wanna say. but i cant. i've lost a connection to people. all i can do is ruin myself inwardly. hurray. im so tired. sad. pissed off. i really dont know if i should move out. will think about it in the next few days.

i couldnt get any sleep at all last night. lay awake until 8 + this morning. never been so distraught ever. an immense sadness has just overwhelmed me and i just feel.. it's impossible to do anything. i wish i was the person i was 4 years ago. i was actually doing something. and things were going so well i prob actually had a direction in life. but i threw that all away. i've become very incapable. withdrawn. unstable. unfriendly. jealous. full of rage. i really do not deserve the friendships that i have now. this morning when i was msging danielle and i got her reply it just made me feel good. and im so thankful really for the friends that i've made in vj. i really am not worthy of their concern. i think they're really amazing people. now i know what i want.. in the near future. but im too scared of going for it coz i've lost all confidence in myself to do anything. when someone tells me im smart and i will have no problem in getting good results if i actually just stopped squashing everything last minute. i honestly dont think i can do it anymore. im just not smart. ive lost it. im not saying words out of self pity, but it's really what i believe. this lack of confidence has prevented me from doing so many things.. and it's a horrible vicious cycle which just continues. i dont feel myself or see myself in anyway anymore. i actually feel like i'm having an out of body experience. and i really do not like this person im looking at anymore. this person has no future, and no 'present' either.

it's pathetic to think u are weak and then not take actions to change that. ive been pathetic for so long. of course i dont want to be another of those idiots to groan on and on and not do anything. but im just really at a loss now. there're so many things running through my head. last night. it was horrible. i sound like im going crazy.. well maybe. but im not. im perfectly sane. just very very lost.

this is such a self centred entry. but i dont care. if i dont have an outlet to at least say a bit of something im just gonna crush myself inwardly. i was actually thinking maybe flinging myself in front of a bus help. what a weak pathetic thought! but i actually thought about it very long and thoroughly.. and well the biggest negative.. would be that i may die. but if i didnt. a lot of things would happen.. which.. i dont know. what a stupid and selfish thought. stupid and selfish. i tried praying last night to calm myself down and i felt calm for a few seconds. but then i wasnt quite sure whether i relaly felt calm or was making myself feel calm coz i was trying to make myself believe that my prayer was actually working. i still hold onto the hope that everything would be fine if God just came into my life. but i dont know how to do that. i feel no connection with God at all. no connection.

im not speaking to anyone now. and i think they've all given up on me. haha. well. what the heck. i think i need help. i really dont know what to do. i was gonna say i would spend the rest of the day thinking about where i go from here.. but i cant anymore. i really dont know what to do. i have become a person of weak character and for that i despise myself. but i will try to rebuild what i've lost and work for what i know i want. and i have no choice coz the other way is not an option.

i was watching oprah just now and i saw a rerun of this episode which never fails to bring tears to my eyes. gabe murfitt.. this boy with amazing courage. i had to wipe my tears cos i can never show my parents that i actually have feelings. and this girl... alex.. who has since passed away. these are real people who actually deserve respect. and they're only kids.
i make out my parents to be monsters. but they're not. i know my dad is a great person. he's definitely the greatest guy i know on this planet probably. but i know he thinks im just a complete idiot now. maybe he's right but he doesnt know why. and i dont think they will care to know. parents always think that they are right and their kids are the disillusioned ones needing to grow up. and my mother.. i think she's trying her best. but. things cant always work out perfect. i dont want to bash my parents coz they are ok people. it's just that.. yea. things just cant work out. and i know for a fact that they will never know me. what's going on in my life. nor ever understand me.

i dont know whether i'll regret typing this. i prob will. but i've tried to make it as.. censored as possible. i dont know whether i even wanna blog anymore. i'll see. i dont know whether i should move. i just.. dont know what to do.

i am angry. very very angry. pissed off. disgusted.
i have been taught a lesson in discernment.. if there is indeed such a word.
i have learnt that i should always listen to my inner voice and never be moved.
i have learnt that i have a right to always do what i want to do and have no obligation to anybody to do anything against my own will.
i have learnt to give a lot more thought before i decide on anything.
this has just reinforced what i've felt all along before i was somehow blind-sided for a while that all i need are my _____ and _____ . i treasure even more than before everything i believe in which i know i will hold even more strongly onto.
i am so much better off. i have the freedom of choice in life. it's great. it's all good.

caught a bit of parent trap today. actually teared. parent trap. cant believe it. i admit.. im actually a huge marshmallow in disguise.
i want that lance armstrong bio.. It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life. u know how when u read stuff like that u get so damn inspired by the amount of determination these people have.. and u know that inside of u.. inside everyone of us we do have that same determination and willpower.. it's whether we're actually willing to dig deep inside.. and it's like wow this is a guy who came back from cancer and is on the verge of his 7th tour de france victory and how can i not say that i cant just dig up some willpower to start studying.. but i just realised. u cant compare the two. they're totally different things. studying and a gruelling race. im not saying that studying is much harder coz that is obviously bullshit. but.. it's really just what u can do.. and what ur mind.. character.. wills you to do.. ya know? and studying is really just out of the picture. sigh. dammit.

ET's on tv now. it's the goodbye scene between ET and elliot. o man.. i keep thinking edgar tan.. ET.. but no! it's the alien. the alien. i remember watching this movie way back.. when it came out in cinemas again for the 20th anniversary.. with alicia i think.. it was at cine and i think we got an early day off from school.. this scene was just damn touching man.. i think i teared.. again. the boy is adorable.


sigh. ok i just dont feel like writing anymore. so there.

just watched war of the worlds again. and it just made me feel quite sad, scared and vulnerable. even more than the first time i caught it. something is happening to me.. i cant write as smoothly as before.. but i'll try my best to put my thoughts into words..

the movie was ok for me.. not great or bad. just ok.. i realise that having been a lit student for so long.. well ok actually even more so after coming to jc coz sec sch lit is really very blah. u tend to have this need to analyze everything. gone are the days when u can read books in peace without wondering what the author is trying to convey and whether there are any hidden meanings behind the words of the characters or even their actions.. dressings etc. and i realise that the same applies to movies.. i could hardly concentrate on the story instead i was trying to take a look into spielberg's mind.. for example there was this scene around the start of the movie where cruise was standing against the window of a building and from the reflection u could see the people running by and the aliens.. or machines rather zapping them.. like he films from so many different angles.. instead of straight on.. and im only discovering something which is like peanuts to film makers. they really are creative and amazingly intelligent people. my dad was saying that the movie was great coz it shows the ugly side of human beings.. yea people really will change in times of crisis.. sad but it's just.. how we are. i guess. there was one scene where cruise told his son, robbie, that the machines/aliens were not from around here or something like that. and robbie was like where? europe? ... i thought that totally brought out how some americans.. well a lot actually i would think are kinda narrow minded in the sense that they really do think that the america is THE world. i have nothing against america.. u would know if u had read a previous entry.. but.. i wonder if this attitude and mindset of americans will be what destroys them in the end. mm. i dont know.

anyways. dont u realise. anyone of us could just die any second. it need not be an alien attack (i cant believe my dad said he doesnt know whether aliens exist. i thought i would get an emphatic NO. but he said the bible never mentioned... he doesnt know.. actually that is true.. but.. i dont know i just cant imagine other life out there except maybe a few ameoba like thingies living on mars or something) or terrorists it could just be anything! like my com could suddenly blow up in my face... now........... now..............NOW. phew it didnt happen im still here ok. it's scary. it's crazy. we're so vulnerable. everything we're worrying about now.. mugging.. relationships.. whatever.. it just wont even matter anymore if something crazy like that happened.. i mean of course im not saying o right so it doesnt matter! we dont need to study! it's stupid! we do have to get on with what seems important now in life.. just because. dont feel like going into that now. but sigh.. terrorists. god. it's scary. honestly they scare the hell out of me. i cant even begin to imagine the horror if they managed to cause some destruction here in singapore. we would all be screwed. the scary thing is u never know. u never will know where. or when. was telling my dad just now.. why are asians so stupid!!! (no i dont have anything against being an asian i am not ashamed of my race or anything) it's just that they're always doing stupid things or bad things! terrorists are some damn warped brain-washed people stemming from asia. and then some really ignorant asians like william hung make their way to america (sorry william ): ) and just give us an even worse image! so now everyone thinks that asians are either stupid or violent idiots without a heart! and who can we blame except ourselves! smart people! good asians! where are u!!!!!

why the hell would people wanna spend their lives KILLING OTHERS.. o my god i will never understand. never understand. and i dont want to either coz it would mean that i've really gone crazy coz no one normal could ever understand. TERRORISTS.. GO SCREW YOURSELVES. GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!! UP YOURS!!!! I HOPE U GUYS HAVE ALTERNATING DAYS OF CONSTIPATION AND DIAHORREA!!!!! sometimes when i watch movies i think o my goodness what if i was the one shot or stabbed i cant even begin to imagine what that would feel like.. and to know that your loved ones are all dead.. or even be in an explosion.. o my goodness.. im just. i dont think im can even say anymore.. except.. SCREW YOU DAMN TERRORISTS!!!!!!

we are so very vulnerable. every single second. i really need to learn how to cherish what i have now. there's so much more to life. after life. we all need to i guess.. i dont care if this entry makes me sound like some childish fool. i really seem to have lost my command of the language. i would be glad to engage u in a depressing conversation anytime about our vulnerability in life if anyone is interested for the fee of 1 million bucks.

ok. i just have to add this in. a close friend of mine has this very STUPID... ACQUAINTANCE who thinks his life is a living hell coz of a breakup and he's the worst off person in the entire universe. yes! worse off than people who had their loved ones blasted to bits in the twin towers. yes! worse off to kids in africa with hiv and living in extreme poverty. yes! worse off than kids abused by their parennts and rape victims who live the rest of their lives in shame. even when im feeling sorry for myself i KNOW that i should not be feeling this way as im a damn lucky person compared to many out there. so. c'mon man. GET A FREAKING LIFE!!!! these people just PISS the hell out of you. dammit!

sigh. first thing i come online and a sec1 boy is asking me out. ARGHHHHH. give me a break please. and grow up soon? im a nice person contrary to popular belief, but i can be not very nice too obviously. i am no paedophile and have no time for very extremely weird.. friendships.. and now im supposed to give him my hp no. God help me please. why why why.. always the wrong wrong WRONG people.

today's concert was rather interesting.. apart from cringing moments of what-the-hell-is-the-emcee-thinking.. i have come to the realisation yet again that my classmates are a bunch of damn amazingly talented people. the ics items were like whoa man. haha. that's the great thing about coming to vj.. everything is so diverse.. was looking around at people in the hall and everybody is just so damn different.. sarah doesnt really think so but. well. i guess the important thing is despite all the differences.. there's not really any snobbishness or any of that shit going around. people still can mix well. so it's all good.
went with joanne, nette and shiqi to watch shiqi rebond her hair. haha brought back some memories of extreme horror which i hope will never resurface ever again. we ate at hollywood. woohoo! it rocks man. no johnny depp sightings though. nvm. the nice auntie who gave me ice milo will do. shiqi's cat is freaking fat man. it looks average/skinny online. but.. dont be deceived.. it's damn cute.. looks like a small tiger. i think cats are quite scary creatures.. their eyes can drive u crazy. hopefully i'll own a husky next time.. huskies are amazingly beautiful. or a pet pig like george clooney's. piglets are extremely cute. they should never grow up.

anyway was thinking today..guys often complain that girls are so damn annoyingly complicated. or at least they make everything complicated. well. that's what they say in magazines anyway, i dont know whether they actually think that in real life. but i totally agree. hey man. obviously i have my moments too but it's just how our gender is. that's why having guy friends to just like totally chill out with and not worry or think about how life stinks and where the universe originated from and what our purpose on earth is and why am i just so sad and pissed off with everyone and feeling so oppressed.. i think it's a great thing. the great thing about guys i think is that they.. well most of them.. are much more light hearted about things and more ready to let go instead of screw their mind inwardly over and over again over stupid questions. yea. we.. girls.. remember that i am one.. are so damn annoying. but that's just the way things are. i shall try to take an even more light hearted approach to situations of absolute distress from now on. contrary to another popular belief - girls can indeed learn some stuff from guys. however.. if a friendship turns into something more complicated.. that stinks like hell. get out of it. get out of it!! warning warning warning.. they evolve when things get deeper.. things will be extremely different.. relationships are a lie!!! the emotional baggage is much heavier than whatever a girl could carry. personal opinion. but hey man. this is MY blog. sigh. was thinking when a person gets involved in a relationship of sorts. the friendships he/she has do change. as much as one vehemently denies it. esp if they're around each other a lot. i guess somethings are just inevitable. and it's quite sad that things have to go that way.. you feel unable to talk as freely as before.. and maybe dont really get much chance to either.. i dont know. but then again.. i guess that's just how things are.

i am having an extremely tough time typing today. my words just cant flow. my english has gone to the dogs. hey maybe not! i just used an idiom! hallelujah! my typing has a very staccato like rhythm to it. a very uneven one that is. with many many pauses. have no idea why. this is very weird. i better stop soon.

disappointment. some things will never change huh. but.. it's none of my business and im probably not in any position to comment or judge. so. i'll just shut up now.

look at today's verse [ The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Galatians 5:14 ] i think that's extremely difficult to do.. coz i believe human beings.. will always be self centred creatures.. no matter how 'great' one is. it's just human nature. yea u can love your friends. and i do believe that command would apply quite a lot. but what about people u have grievances with? are they too not ur neighbour? sigh. it's extremely extremely hard. i know i definitely have problems with that. i guess.. i've got something to work on really. haha. how reluctant. people often ask so many questions about christianity. and i myself have many doubts as well. i was gonna type i myself, as a christian, but just realised that that is so damn self-righteous. this is so sad. i know i am one.. do i? yes i do! i am a christian! but.. do i actually abide by the word of God and truely with all my heart and soul trust in him and the plan he has for me. i cant say yes. i have a lot of doubts. and i guess i always will. but to people who always ask so many questions.. esp.. 'how can we have faith in God if we cant even see any proof of his existance?'. what irony. u dont need to see to believe. it is is a faith. i hope the day will come i can say with all my heart and soul that i do really live for the Lord. life will be so much more.

come on over to [insert my address]! it's a freakshow man! maybe i should charge admission. hoho. but i bet no one will come back again. :(

im so cruel. but at the same time, im not. it may not seem so but a huge part of my heart is so damn soft it's mushed up. i would like to say sorry. but i dont want to apologise for my actions/words because i know i have done nothing wrong. some things may seem a bit harsh, but relative to everything that has happened. it definitely is not. i cant be firm anymore and then apologise. sigh.

despite everything. she is super damn important to me. and i will do everything i can. doesnt matter how long this insanity continues. this is a reminder to myself.

it really is jealousy exploding huh. haha. sad. hoping so badly it wont happen. terrible :(

one of the reasons i was hesitant for very long for getting like.. a public blog was that i didnt wanna whine about how my life stinks. coz that's just really the epitome of self-centredness. but i realise i keep falling off that tangent. i shall try to keep it together.

this morning was not a good morning though. to say the least. sigh. silence. u dont know me. at all. so dont judge me. being whoever u are doesnt give u a right to either. u've already destroyed my life. thanks a lot. dont speak i dont really give a shit.

had a horrible nightmare last night.. the ending of which was pretty scary. me, my mum and my sis were running from killers. we were at this swimming pool and my sis and i were swimming when this caucasian guy appeared (im not gonna use the word 'angmoh' coz i realised that that actually is a rather derogatory term.. after reading this article sometime back) and he was after my sis. i made sure she got out of the pool first so i could just stay behind and screw him not literally if he even DARED to come near. anyway we escaped. somehow we appeared at this apartment where some relatives were at. and we kinda found out that that caucasian guy was a hybrid. there were a lot of hybrids out there. there was an albert-monkey (we actually saw them. i have no idea how. or what the hell an albert-monkey is) there was even a hybrid of the queen of england. i cant remember what she was. anyway apparently this guy was a hybrid too. and he was called a.. homo-something. so we were hiding in the apartment and suddenly he appeared at the window. my mum and sis just ran quickly into the kitchen to be with albert-monkey who was actually dissecting a turkey in a very freakish manner. and i was rushing about finding knives and these long wooden poles i knew i would gladly stick into this idiot if he dared to even come near to anyone who had ties with me. i was so prepared to kill him. i cannot even imagine what kiling someone is like though. i watched once on oprah this woman who got stabbed by her husband so many times that the doctors stopped counting when they reached no. 59 or something like that. but she survived. but when she woke from her hospital bed she found out that he had killed her 2 children as well. can u imagine. i cant even imagine what the hell she was going through. it's crazy. and some of us dont even have the courage to kill a cockroach. to stab a person so many times? it's unbelievable. crazy. crazy crazy crazy. would u die for your family or friends. it's so easy to say yes. but when u're really in the situation. it may be a different story altogether. i've thought about this long and hard and even if i may not love them to death. or even hate them. i think i would say yes. i dont know. that's a very self-centred thing to say actually. but i really think i would. hopefully we wont get to test that out.

the oprah show just now was on women all around the world. and today's episode was really really interesting. you really realise how much more goes on other than this small pathetic 'life' of yours in this small pathetic island of singapore. i dont think i'll talk much about it coz i am definitely thinking of changing my GP presentation topic from live 8 (im a bit sick of the topic after the G8 discussions) to something else. i was thinking.. michael fay, oj simpson, or yea women around the world definitely. so.. i dont know i hope mr ho allows me to change it. anyways it made me think. it seemed that all these women in these countries.. there was just so much culture. yea even the iraqi woman was proud to be an iraqi. and then u take a look at singapore. it's just. so different. it's really opened my eyes to the absolute lack of culture here. i'm not just saying this because of watching a 1 hour show and very narrow-mindedly coming to the conclusion that singapore sucks. i used to think that a few years ago. but since then i'd come to the conclusion that no, it really isnt that bad. it's just that every country is different and we really should appreciate what we have. so i've tried to find some positives that singapore has. like safety.. and.. stability.. and stuff. but o man. we are boring. a boring nation really. we lack culture. completely. im not bashing singapore for the sake of it whitout looking at the big picture. trust me i've looked at the big picture and we're lacking a lot. yea we're safe. we're stable. but that's it. we're just a big fat bore. culture. a way of life. i dont even think we have any of those. sure whenever we have celebrations and stuff we use all these dances and songs form the different races.. but o please. do we even really embrace them? think about it. sigh. our way of life. kids going to school carrying heavy school bags and complaining about the workload. i guess yes it does branch out when we're older into people who are more geeky and only interested in academic stuff and people who think that having a huge social circle and zouking and all is the way to go. and then we all go to work and stuff. and then we all die. sigh. i dont know. there's another episode on oprah where there is actually a singaporean woman. yes. check this out:

"Not many people realize this," explains Tara, "but Singapore is a city, state and country all in one." A diamond-shaped island the size of Chicago, Singapore has an average temperature of 90 degrees year-round. Singapore is known for its strict laws and penalties. Spitting on the ground, littering, jaywalking and failing to flush a public toilet are illegal actions and offenders are subject to stiff fines. "Oprah, I hear you're not a big fan of chewing gum," Tara says. "Then you should come to Singapore! You won't find chewing gum here because it's illegal to sell it." Singaporean women share Americans' passion for get-thin-quick schemes. "Slimming salons" promise weight loss without dieting or exercise. Electronic wave therapy and anti-cellulite massage are two of the most popular treatments.

what a SAD picture is painted of our country! ok so singapore is a hot island. and very strict. full of fines. o! and did you know.. that.. (drumroll...) chewing gum is illegal! that is so interesting! o haha haha. hahahaha. ha. ha. ha.(this joke has been used way too many times..no people it's not that interesting anymore) o right! and the latest discovery of Singapore is that... slimming salons are sprouting up everywhere! it's the new craze man! how sad is that really. how sad is that.

it just gives me more determination to get out of here and do something. just do something. but im scared to take that step. because im just afraid that i dont have what it takes. at all.

u know how sometimes when u do something and totally regret doing it. because in the heat of the moment u think that it's just maybe a way to let go. but after that u realise that it actually affects not only u but others who actually have ties with u. and it even does alter one's perception of u. but i think everyone has a side that no one really other than themselves will understand. i do too think that everyone definitely has his or her own. but it can be on a different level and obviously different things. so i guess. should just never judge. cos we never know. sigh. im very sick of hearing it. yet i unthinkingly said some things which i knew and know but thought would come out different, but yet should never have been said. haha o man. what the hell am i saying. here im doing it again!

EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE DIFFERENT. BUT THAT JUST MAKES THEM ALL THE SAME. you know it. or am i just focusing on all the negatives.
this grey area sucks. just keep it light.

oh man.. my throat is killing me. i think i pissed myself off so much until my body responded in a damn shitty way. it sucks being sick. i hereby take back all statements i've said that being sick is fantastic coz i can skip school. bullshit. it's miserable.

anyways. i had another interesting dream last night. i'm a huge dreamer i think. in life and in my sleep. i have weird dreams everyday. at least it gives me some entertainment. i must be missing newcastle.. A LOT. i dreamt that my family and i were there to watch a newcastle match and weirdly enough the venue was a place which looked very much like an LT. LT1 to be specific. yuck. somehow they were gonna play football in there.. i dont know how. i got up from my seat to talk to my bro for a while and when i got back some idiot had occupied my seat and refused to get lost. inconsiderate singaporean. actually he looked a bit like that indian father from the kumars on st 42.. if that's what the show is called. before the match started there was some guy giving a talk. now i realise he was giving a lecture. shit. at one point he showed this 'lust list' (i kept thinking where i'd heard these 2 words after i woke up.. and came to the realisation that it was on people's blogs). apparently this lust list showed which footballers in the match were the most sought after on a scale of -10 to 10. however before i could get to seeing shearer revealed as a being an obvious 10 i had the sudden urge to the toilet.. and now i realise that particular toilet has appeared in my dreams many many times. it's like the permanent dream toilet. i got to this cubicle and the seat was full of pee.. o man im still traumatised now and i think it freaked me out so damn much that i woke up. sigh. the end. i didnt even get to see the match dammit!
sigh. i had another dream that day it was really drawn out but basically the main plot was that sean brought the odacers on an OT and we went driving in this muddy area and we sank into it along with the car. humph.
dreams are supposed to be a reflection of your subconcious thoughts if im not wrong. i really must have a lot. well it's nice to be caught up in a funny kooky world sometimes when u wake up again reality just bashes u in the face again.

" 'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Till everything burns "

im a very private person. but i guess this blog is taking a bit of that away from me. sorry. i will revert back to my original form.

sigh. this has been a very.. long.. drawn out.. emotionally draining week.. with so many realisations..
i was watching remember the titans last night (didnt really like it) and i had a sudden panic attack. like seriously. i've never felt so overwhelmed in any minute of my life.

why does it always turn out so ugly. just not cut out for it man. better to be left out.

yesterday was odac handing down.. humph.. im really not sure what to say here about that.. everything that i discussed.. er.. vigorously with lynette last night. haha. just looked thru the pix she put up on shutterfly.. was gonna say shutterbug. actually shutterbug sounds nicer.. anyways.. most of the pix made me feel good. but some.. grrrrr.. haha nette should know why. yesterday's ceremony of sorts was sad in many ways. i shall not elaborate why. but.. before i came to vj i always knew that i wanted to join odac. my interests in the outdoors is such a huge part of me.. but after going for b2b esp and attending some stuff.. i felt like.. what the hell. things were totally not what i thought they would be. so.. it's been different from what i expected.. to say the least.. but OLC was prob the turning point of my i-feel-so-let-down-what-am-i-doing-here thinking. olc was like.. totally smashing man!!! haha i had the BEST GROUP EVER whirlwind could just kick anyone's ass anyday. i'll never forget everything we went through together in those 5 days.. and.. there're a lot of friendships there that i would really like to keep. it's not so much what we could do.. but more the people.. :) anyways.. i think the 21st batch.. are really a group of very.. different people. honestly speaking here. we are prob not as unified.. or that irritating word i hate.. BONDED as a whole.. but.. i think everyone is special in their own way.. and.. we're a unique batch. dont need to be like anyone else. well let's just say im glad im in our batch and not another one. lynette u know.. :) i really do think that there're a lot of great people in our batch.. even though we might not be that close.. mmm.. it's been a very very interesting ride.. in many many ways. some great memories. some not so good. and some.. which come very close to regret. but i dont regret. u shouldnt regret anything. but im grateful for everyone i've met.. and so.. thank you.. 21st.. u guys rock. i thought i'd just put up a few pix on some people.. who were a big part of my odac life.. and more than that.. in vj.. :) but.. limited space here man..



geok and the whirlwind girls (shiqi + nette) minus me.. and jianpeng :) it's great talking to geok.. she's just so honest and open about things :) as for shiqi and nette.. i prob couldnt have gone through olc without u guys. it's been a blast man. nette thanks for being there all the way from mg til now.. and shiqi.. i think u're an amazing person. really. i didnt think that people like u existed and im glad u changed my mind! haha these 3 girls rock man. see doesnt this pic look so much better minus me. no kidding.





nette and jianpeng how can you not like jianpeng. im so glad i got to know him from whirlwind.. i remember one of the first things he said to me was during hornet attack on the hockey pitch before we boarded the buses.. he asked me how he was gonna hold the flag and get down in position at the same time and everyone was already like.. diving into their ponchos. haha.. sigh. thanks man for just being so damn funny and such a nice guy. china rocks. it really does.





zhiyang. wow. like shiqi i never knew such people existed until i met him. he's definitely the most decent guy i've met ever. and im honestly really honoured to call him a friend. i think things for him have come quite a long way since i knew him.. from whirlwind too. haha. he really is one of a kind. and im really glad to have been able to have helped u in any way that i could.. i think it'll be hard but i hope our friendship may last even though we hardly communicate anymore. mmm.. he's set for big things in life. just.. admiration and respect man. treasure him! haha





my beloved chairman sean and vice-chair shiqi. haha sean.. the first impressions i got of him from whirlwind was wow. this guy is freaking competitive and quite arrogant. haha but having that attitude is what makes sean sean man. there's actually a damn nice guy lurking somewhere below.. deep somewhere.. :) and can be damn full of shit too in a great way of course :) it's been a real pleasure knowing u.. thanks for the concern and everything. really. i just.. wish all the best for you. shiqi has backed him up so much man in everything that we've done. i think they're both damn capable people. although sean needs er.. a bit.. of pushing. haha. but u still rock man! just like starfruit cum.. ok anyway moving on..





shiqi and daryl handsigning (notice how many pictures shiqi is in.. she's such a huge part of odac).. haha. daryl is hilarious. he never fails to brighten up the day and make everyone just totally dissolve in laughter. and he holds strong on the word of God.. daryl is an amazing person. he's so crazy and yet i think there's another side to him which is just very sensible and dependable. thank you daryl too for everything really. u've added so much life and fun to my odac life and been a great friend out of it. one regret i do have is that i never really got to know people better.. but there is still time for that.. i love your nua face man.





sarah adding the final touches to our permanent (it better be permanent dammit..) mark in the odac room. sarah is very unique. we've had quite a few.. interesting and great conversations. and im just thankful that there's someone who feels the same about a lot of things too! she too has great faith in God.. im just glad he let me meet such people in vj.. im sure she'll go far too.. she has a lot to contribute to this world.. :)





21st batch



finally.. whirlwind.. well.. sort of.. interrupted on purpose by hock chuan.. who i was totally glad to have GI-ed with for olc and got to know better through that stint.. another joker too. i wish u all the best in ur hairy ambition..





and.. FINALLYYYYYYY.. WHIRLWIND uninterrupted. everyone together. thanks for all the fantastic memories. i love our cheers! haha.. i love u guys really. really really really.

ok that's the end of my sudden photo-craze. i dont think i've ever used the word love so much. and i cannot believe how nice and happy with the world i've suddenly seemed to become esp here. i think i'm just damn tired of being cynical. when i had my panic attack last night i remember feeling everything opposite of all the good feelings that this entry represents. but.. JC life is drawing to an end.. and i dont really wanna waste my energy looking back on all the negatives. what's the point? i'll just treasure the good memories that ODAC has given me. thanks guys

whoa. im dead tired. left veejay at like 645-700 and reached home at 845. damn... im sick of travelling. but i chose this. anyway when i opened my email.. i saw today's bible verse that they sent to me..
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. Matthew 7:13-14
my heart skipped a beat. in a very good way. it just brings back so many memories.. where and when i first heard and saw this verse.. i cant really talk about it here for a very good reason.. but yea. thank God. i feel like he's speaking to me somehow.. :)

wow. amos just praised my blog. that's huge coming from him. amos, i used to have my doubts when i didnt really know you but i have to admit u're a really gifted writer. he told me this - "if you were a little bit more confident, and cut out all that nonsense of wanting to delete all that "shit" or whatever you call it, it would be much better. IRONY IRONY IRONY. stop saying you feel stupid after you write stuff...it makes you sound stupid, which is a pity because you didn't actually." haha quite true actually.. but it's impossible to cut out feelings of insecurity.. it's impossible to change something which is unfortunately such a huge part of u that sometimes it consumes your life totally. but.. i will try..

the past few days in vj have been very interesting. well.. i've come to realise.. and feel a lot of things..
firstly.. im glad i came to vjc. there i said it. it's taken a year and 7 months to come to this conclusion. i dont exactly know how i nailed this crazy idea in my head to travel from the west to the east everyday when there were so many other schools available for choice. i remember talking to hazel outside the library in one of the first few days of school last yr that i felt that there had to be a reason why i made such a completely irrational decision. over the past year & a half i've been going back and forth with wow! vj is so damn lax. i can just come and go when i want.. not do tutorials.. pon school.. and just be a totally crap student without harming anyone in the process. like thank God for the freedom man! but when i speak to amanda.. or my mg friends.. all the great memories all come flooding back and they really leave me thinking why i didnt take the path that i always thought i would as an mg girl.. the one which led to the gates of ac. things could be different.. i could be with my friends.. and even among people i might feel more comfortable with.. there'd be chapel.. i miss chapel.. i would be closer to God.. i would be happier maybe.. but i've come to realised that i think God really had a purpose for me in coming to vj.. i was looking for a change of environment for a whole load of reasons i shall not go into.. and wow. did i get that or what man. he surrounded me with really great friends, many of who do hold strong in his word too. he made me grow up. a lot more. i cant begin to explain. he's just opened my eyes to so many things out there.. im really cynical but right now.. i'm just very thankful. everything that has happened.. did so for a reason. im not necessarily happy now. i am not. i think it'll be a very long time before i truly am again. but im at peace. well with almost everything i guess. today i had the weirdest lesson of my life in bio s. i shall not elaborate further. it was just.. very.. different. and i left thinking.. my gosh what AM i doing.. but other than that.. today has been a really interesting.. good day. talking with geok in the odac room.. it just felt so good man.. so free to say whatever i wanted to.. i feel much better now.. and even playing tennis with some odacers after bio s in my uniform.. haha. suddenly just felt so free.. and im glad for this freedom that vj has given me. i've often said that i will never feel like a victorian ever. and i dont think i'll change that statement. but im thankful for the school that vj is. i've often said that vj.. jc.. presents so many unfair things.. and i do feel shortchanged sometimes.. coz i feel like i could do so much more. but then again, i never did take the chance and have no one to blame. but i guess it just opened my eyes to the reality of society.

i dont wanna talk about exams coz i think it's stupid and an absolute waste of my time but i just gotta say i guess the next few months are going to be tough. yea the biggest understatement of the year. but.. im going to try to enjoy and treasure every moment of it because i know when it's over, i will miss the days of being a uniformed student. of complaining about crap.. just hanging out around school.. talking about life with my classmates.. going out after school.. leaving in the evening with a slight cold wind blowing in my face and just looking around at this school which i think i have grown slightly attached to after all this time. it feels good to just see people hanging out around school.. enjoying the company of one another. u really do derive happiness from people's pleasure and this is a true, honest statement. i know i will really miss this when it's all left behind. what little time i have left, i will treasure. and really try to do my best.

sigh. what a soppy soppy mood im in now. a few days later when im feeling like shit and in a i-hate-this-damn-world mood i'll prob regret writing this. but it's just what i feel now. grateful for my friends. especially. so everyone who has been a part of my life in vj.. thank you. and to my mg friends.. u guys will always be the best. even though our lives are well.. so different now.. but some things will never change. sigh.. what am i saying... haha well.. i shall leave it at that. i dont know if im trying to use these feelings to cover over those of obvious.. sadness and anger which will never go away. but im trying to be happier. haha. try to be happy. that's sad huh. but that's just how things are.

happy birthday manda. haha yea we look like a bunch of retards. but what the heck man. that's what we are.


mmm.. i think the novelty of blogging is starting to wear off. haha nah.. i think it's just coz.. there's just so much.. which i have felt and things which have happened in the past few days.. and my mind is in a whirl now.. and im just feeling more and more incredibly insecure and stupid.. so much so that recording all of it down will only serve to make things worse when i read back.

i had it and lost it. but i'll get it back.
it blew me away. not so much what was said. but.. the realisation that there are so many opportunities out there.. and more and more so i doubt i will get the chance to.. experience any of it. everything i hoped for.. i dont know man. haha. dammit. have so many thoughts but i dont wanna put them down in words. i always believed.. or thought i did that u're in control of what happens.. i mean.. u can be what u wanna be.. instead of blaming it on the education system here.. and all those stupid excuses. but.. i dont know whether i still believe that anymore. or i just feel like i screwed everything up. i honestly felt like a big fat loser. odac sarah told me yesterday in the room before she left that.. it's in God's plan what we will do or where we will go. it was just a passing remark. but.. everything's been like me and what i want so far.. and i realise actually i dont really have that much control.. sigh. i dont know. but i dont want now to be a time of regret. and i wont let it be. i cant let me down. or God down even. however weird that sounds. or anyone who actually had some faith in me down. i will give my all.. im not gonna waste away my whole life just for a long long moment of foolishness.
it's been so long. it was really great... but wow. the fact is that so much has happened since.. and im just not sure which page we are on now. but im thankful. really thankful :)

i dont know why i feel this way. i do hold a certain amount of concern.. and affection.. i dont mean romance wise. yea i have problem saying that word too. but yea. and when i hear or see that scene.. or know how things are.. somehow it's just kinda sad. even though i've kinda had a hand in things. i think it's just the respect.. mutual? and maybe slight unwillingness to let go?! definitely no ill intentions. but i am glad. for the final happiness and contentment. i am glad :)

Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 7:21
wow. so. so true.
i think that's been my biggest issue.. with people. and things.

:(

arghhhh.. why do i always write stuff then regret after that.. but im not deleting anything anymore!! and it's not juz coz it's a blog.. if i was writing a erm.. well diary diary. i'll feel like a fool with childish thoughts and just stop writing. sigh. ok anyway on a lighter note.. just found out that emre has touched down in newcastle... yay!! even though football is just totally going down the drain i'll always always.. love (this sounds weird. i have problems saying this word) newcastle like crazy. sigh.. things have changed so much over the years.. and all the players who really represented the spirit of this extremely passionate club just keep going.. :( will talk about this another day. it's so sad :(



Emre :)

i think of these 2 years.. it's been the worst now. and i dont understand why. it really feels like there's no way it can turn around this time. and to hear somemore talk of it.. brings me back to mg days. i think i just have to come to the realisation that the world.. people.. everything will always be the same no matter where i go.

ok. i wanna talk about the G8. i never really got a chance to air my views during gp today and i feel.. quite.. damn strongly about somethings. firstly. im sick and tired of american bashing. american bashing has somehow become the thing to participate in and everyone is just so damn into going against the world's superpower. sometimes i just feel like people dont see the whole picture. i am NOT pro american. but im just sick of how anti american everything is becoming. people condemn the war.. but did u have some damn terrorists come to ur country and blast a few thousand of people to pieces. are YOU faced with the dilemma of having to appease the american people who are divided even within themselves and having to account to the rest of the world for your actions. being a superpower of the world isnt as easy as it seems. contrary to popular belief, america does not just sit on its throne and take control of everyone else. people bash america coz it just seems so well.. like the thing to do. who wouldnt wanna put down this power which has such huge influence everywhere. it's just human nature. i think some of it does stem from jealousy. u may think im bullshitting. but it's true. if u dig deep inside there u'll prob finally find some honest opinons. btw while im on the topic of war.. i just saw the news yesterday that they found the body of the last missing navy seal. sigh. yea. war stinks. BUT if u're just gonna hold some stupid placard and march around the white house demanding for world peace. let me tell u u're a damn brainless fool coz that it's never going to happen. as much as we want world peace. imagine if all the countries were really at peace with each other. bush and osama in an embrace. what a damn sick fantasy. i mean yea who wouldnt want peace, but it will never happen i am so damn sure of that. the balance will never be.. it's just weird. it's like.. ok world peace now.. what's next?!?! the miss universe competition will be extinct. people will always have a bone to pick with one another. some things cannot be prevented. im not FOR war, im just saying that it's inevitable, like the one going on now. i do not support the blowing to pieces of innocent civilians, but again, i think it's inevitable. if america just sat back and did nothing except build up their security and prepare for another terrorist attack. how damn stupid that would be. these peace loving idiots should really grow another brain. LOOK at what is happening in London now. these idiots think they're invincible and yet there u are campaigning for peace?!?! give it a break man seriously. the hippy period is over. headbands and peace signs are so out now.

ok shit how did i start on the topic of war. going back to the G8. those 8 countries would be criticised if they sat back and did nothing yet when they actually take some initiative and come forward to form the G8, people criticise them for assuming that they are the leaders of this world just because they are rich and influential... HELLO PEOPLE.. they didnt become rich and influential by having a shitty government, by slacking around, by waiting for other countries to pull them out of trouble. i just get so damn pissed off when no one sees the big picture! sure they are NOT perfect. But at least they stepped forward to try to do something for this world while the rest of us sit back and either not give a shit... or have discussions in which we give a shit but at the end of the day do nothing (yes, a slight irony here as to what i am doing now. but who knows what could happen in the future. im not content to be typing on this blog forever) all the attack is unfair. people just love to target superpowers. just like how people love to bitch about the jocks and secretly wish that they were the jocks. but this is just on a higher level. school dynamics are so interesting. i think everything which goes on in the world is just a bigger scale of that. well, in a way. i think the G8 has the right intentions definitely, but can u imagine the immense problems they would have to solve the problems together? i for one cannot imagine the japanese leader speaking to the french one with great vigour on his beliefs on how the world should be changed and both of them laughing heartily or having an intense conversation and eventually coming to a decision. they have the right intentions, but sometimes, their way of implementation may just be wrong. like shafy was saying today. they are criticised for moving on so quickly from one topic to another (environment to poverty) so what are they supposed to do. spend 100 years discussing bout the environment until anyone who gets caught even holding a can of aerosol hairspray containing CFCs is whipped and hanged.. IN AMERICA?!?! yes.. not singapore.. AMERICA.. the land where sex offenders, rapists, and even murderers are free to roam the country after a few joyful years in prison. so how DID africa become so poor?! well. im not exactly sure. huh. but one thing im damn sure is they cannot blame it entirely on the west, if indeed the west did cause some of their demise (which im really not sure about). one is responsible for one's well being. and the same goes for countries. africa has to clam some responsibility for their own state today. yet here are 8 of the richest countries in the world offering to rid them of their debt of 40 billion bucks. i dont think the governments could have much to complain about. the damn corrupted governments. i checked out a few articles online yesterday and a lot of the real africans.. the normal people who plough away and survive on less than 1 us dollar a day.. do not even feel that debt cancellation is the main issue. in fact they are concerned that this is just gonna make the corrupt leaders stronger and turn the other africans into beggars. instead, they want the G8 to focus on helping rid the gov of corruption, infrastructure, education.. etc. these are the real people of africa speaking. the G8 cant go on cancelling debts forever, it's like to saying to the leaders that they have the space to carry on their corruption and hey! we'll just keep on filling ur empty pockets with more money. soon we will all be poor and africa will be THE superpower. slight exaggeration, but yea. yes this 40 billion bucks is a start coz i know that this means like 7000 more teachers for zambia and more hospitals and roads for tanzania. but money can only do so much. the next step is to actually get to the root of the problem.. the corruption. unfortunately i dont really know a shit about politics and stuff.. so i have no idea what the G8 can do. but i guess they could make sure that the aid they provide goes to the right places. personally i feel there is only so much the G8 can do. whatever step they take, it will be criticised. everything has its pros and cons. africa cannot rely on the help of foreign countries forever, it needs to make changes internally and take some responsibility for its own plight. the G8 has got the ball rolling.. and sometime in the future they will have to take control of their own situation, hopefully as the G8 continues on aiding the Africans on the matters which they are really concerned with. like the situation with world peace, economically and well.. in terms of development it's impossible for every country in the world to be on par with each other. at the end of the day, there 's just a limit to how much one can receive help and what happens next is up to the country herself. i read somewhere that in ethiopia the military killed/raped/tortured the civilians who rebelled against the situation of corruption and yet the gov obviously could not care less. i think poverty is only one side of the problem.. the stability and security within the country itself.. amongst the africans.. is def a thing to be dealt with too. sigh. like biying said today. kenya is doing fine and they dont really need aid. if that really is the case. then why is kenya able to do fine and the others are not?!?! c'mon man. u need to take responsibility for ur ownself.

ok i feel like deleting this shit now but i wont. i think i sound like a mindless self righteous idiot, but these are just some of my opinions and since i clam up during gp i shall just lay it out here. i feel my words are always inaccurate representations of my thoughts.. but what the heck.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh... damn!

what a shitty day. well it wasnt totally shit halfway through but it ended damn shitty. i've calmed down now...which is good.. i dont wanna pollute this place too much.

sigh. i think im going crazy. there was this like orbbing noise.. obbing.. orbbing.. well that alien like noise which u should know if u watched war of the worlds... this morning when i was at the heeren bus stop waiting to change bus. and it was getting louder and louder. freak man i was convinced something was gonna use my blood to power its machine and when i looked up the lights above the esprit store across the street were flashing..whats up with that man. i cant believe i made it to school this morning. i was so convinced that i was not going.. and let my parents go on their 'what's wrong with u rants'.. (to be fair to them, they have been extremely tolerant regarding my ponning. not understanding, but tolerant).. but somehow i really did overcome these inner demons and fought them down to emerge victorious.. and found myself sitting surrounded by a bunch of guys in the assembly hall. that's what u get for coming late. and no it's not a good thing. thank u very much. so i made it through the day.. which got more and more tiring.. i havent went for a cindy loh or bala lesson in a few decades and im proud i made it through.. i've ponned so many mondays i cant even remember what the timetable is.

sigh.. i seem to be going to orchard a lot after school nowadays.. why i dont know i dont even like the place. and it leaves me so tired and drained by the time i reach home i juz wanna die on the doorstep and let someone drag my body in. was talking to danielle and sarah about how guy i have become. i dont know what's wrong with me. u know it's even extremely weird to hear someone calling my name 'wei lynn'. im like o yea that's me but no man, i dont make no connection. it's even weird telling someone that is my name. and i even feel more comfortable with 'bobby' than 'bobette'. somehow over the years i think i've just gotten more boyish and so accustomed to my comfort zone that the idea that im a girl is kinda weird. i think that's why i find it so difficult to talk about guys and stuff.. i feel very disconnected from my identity as someone part of the female species. and this is really quite sad.. sometimes i really do feel like i have no identity or personality anymore. it got lost along the way and i never really bothered to even look back and pick it up or whatever. i dont think i see myself as a girl anymore. but rather as a thing. gotta clarify something though.. im 10000000000000000000000% STRAIGHT . but wow. i dont think i'll ever manage to change. i'll spend the rest of my life cracking dumb jokes hiding behind shorts and t shirts. i think i dont dare to leave this comfort zone i've created for myself. i think im just very uncomfortable with expressing myself. i was telling meixi today that if u thought of it in regards to like.. unexpressive people being those singaporeans who sit still during a bon jovi concert. i would be the one lying smack on the floor.

sigh. i honestly think i may fling myself out of a window at home one day. this shit here is driving me crazy. im so freaking tired by the time i get home.. try to get some sleep.. and somehow even in my dreams i hear this damn wailing sound and pounding of the walls. after 20 minutes of getting pissed off in my sleep i finally awake to realise that no, it is really happening after all. i dont wanna say too much. but i really do care about my sister. immensely. so much so that sometimes i wonder whether i should let go of my dream to go oversease to study coz i feel the need to just.. protect her from all the shit here when she enters adolescence.. which she is now and i do not think things are going very smoothly.. but.. o my god.. she just KILLS me man. shit.. i really do not wanna say too much.. but.. there is just never a moment of peace of quiet here. and im so sick of all this psychoticness going on. dont even talk about studying for the damn As. i cant even get any silence to rest what little is left of my brain. it's times like this i regret all the shit which uncontrollably gets flung out of my mouth at her but i just cant do anything about it. im so pissed at this selfishness.. and all this noise.. it's tearing my family apart and just killing each one of us all in different ways. cept my brother who's in army now. but he's dying too anyway. god it really stinks. 1 hour..2 hours.. 3 damn hours.. we are all scarred for life. sometimes i feel so sad and responsible. i dont know why. i try my best to give her the best.. to make up for the childhood i dont really think she had. but there's just so much i can do. i cant spoonfeed her forever. this really stinks. im just so damn sick of her behaviour.. but i do give too much of a shit for her to well not care at all.. sigh. dang it.

something which happened yesterday made me rethink whether i should be keeping this blog. but i will anyway. i jus.. wont say much.

wow. my second post in a day. im such a geek. nah, it's just a new thing. and like people are always fascinated with new things, so am i. just that while this is new for me it's been new for the rest of the world for a few million years and running.

anyways, i suddenly feel like i've so many thoughts to express. on everything. from young sec 1 kids coming online with msn nics saying 'i'll never forget her...' and their obvious childish foolish ignorance to this lie called love...to the shasta groene case.. there are so many sick b*stards around.. just too many.. there're just so many thoughts and opinions on so many things running through my mind, it's so crazy i cant sleep at night. i can just lie in bed with these running thoughts for a few hours til it's like 4 something and still they dont go away. it's killing me man. hopefully this can be an outlet for me to let some of that brain juice spill out. it's flooding all the holes in my head which used to be previously occupied by brain matter.

i saw this episode of this show just now.. and he's right. it takes over u completely. and u dont even realise it. u keep lying to urself that no u're fine, in fact u were never this good, u couldnt be doing better. u think u're getting stronger, special, standing out from the crowd when in fact u're just killing urself and becoming weaker and weaker.. physically..mentally.. and i would think even spiritually. coz it's all just a big fat lie. and after that when the scales tip to the other side, u find u cant take back all this harm that u've done to urself and realise that this cycle could have been prevented in the first place. if only u werent so stupid. but it's easier said then done. how u get up and rebuild ur life from there. i think it's something which will affect u for the rest of ur life. it's a _______. it really is.


Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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virgin attempt. sort of.

o my goodness...

after about... 2 over hours... i am finally done with creating a template for this blog.. well.. sort of. i kinda stole part of the template from somewhere.. BUTTTT edited A LOT of stuff.. and im not exactly done yet.. just too sick of figuring out anymore html. we'll see as time goes by.. depending on whether i keep this thing... or end up deleting it like i always do.. or let it remain stagnant and just rot away as time goes by..

actually. i have no idea why i decided to set up this blog again. maybe because my old one at diaryland (what a name man. diaryland. ...) has crashed and it was supposed to contain my deepest darkest secrets and be like my place to vent. unfortunately the stupid thing is not working anymore (actually.. maybe fortunately) and after ranting i always feel like a total idiot coz somehow the thoughts in my head arent the same anymore after u put them down in words. (i have come to realise how true that is after i typed the last sentence. i have been pressing backspace quite rapidly.. oh no it's affecting me!! it's affecting me!! STOP!!) i remember discussing this with mel once during lect.. and i dont think anything has changed... i think i will still feel stupid after i type all this load of crap here. but... i shall try my best not to delete anything.. coz if i sound stupid.. that's just me yer know. gotta face reality man. the reality of being an idiot.

ok i think i should explain my picture.. which i got from getty.. i love that website. it's amazing. it's NOT coz of well.. u know.. this guy here being rather.. erm.. athletic and stuff.. (i am very uncomfortable in discussions like this) it's coz.. i just like it.. hohohoho.. anyway i'll be changing it from time to time.. i think.. so.. yea.

mmm.. ok i have no idea what to do from now. do i erm.. tell people i have a blog. and 'hey u can link me to ur page :)' or do i just sit here and shut up and wait for aliens to discover this in a million years. by the way i did not really mean that literally coz i dont believe there are aliens in the world which leads me to one of the discussions i was having with my classmates again which leads to the other discussion about evolution.. but ok im digressing. if i do the former.. it'll be like a publicity stunt. ok a very mild one. mmm.. but im still against stuff like that. shit i think im crazy. who the hell thinks about stupid taken-for-granted-i-should-know-what-to-do or sit-back-and-relax-and-just-go-with-the-flow things like that. but im always afraid the flow will either never come or just drown me completely. i think drowning is probably the most scary thing ever. other than being alone on the face of this earth that is.
anyway if anyone reads this and can tell me how to move my words in this box away from the border of the box. i will give u a generous consultant fee of 10 cents. i am such an amateur. technology stinks really. and whoaaaa... i have.. a chatterrrrrrrrrrrbox!!!! i wanted to use my old guestbook. which has like 2 entries inside due to my ex blog being 'private'. mm.. but honestly, who the hell signs guestbooks now adays. they are so.. yesterday.. yesteryear.. they're just gone man. how fast technology has evolved. i remember it was not long ago that my friends were talking about signmyguestbook. and suddenly poof. their last guestbook entry was like in 1000 BC or something. sooo.. the first person to tag my chatterbox.. chat on my chatterbox.. post my chatterbox.. will get.. a lovely sweet from me. i sound so pathetic but i love to do stupid surprise things. which accounts for all my bettings for exams. danielle. watch out :).

mmm... i am actually very uncomfortable with people reading my thoughts and stuff... but im not gonna make this a private blog anymore.. like my previous ones.. i shall just type stuff.. which will do neither me nor anyone any harm. as for my own shit. i think i'll just keep it in. mmm.. ok my fingers are bored.

my first entry.. of my 10000000000000000000000000th try at blogging. nah. actually that's a slight exaggeration i think. 5th try.