whoa. im dead tired. left veejay at like 645-700 and reached home at 845. damn... im sick of travelling. but i chose this. anyway when i opened my email.. i saw today's bible verse that they sent to me..
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. Matthew 7:13-14
my heart skipped a beat. in a very good way. it just brings back so many memories.. where and when i first heard and saw this verse.. i cant really talk about it here for a very good reason.. but yea. thank God. i feel like he's speaking to me somehow.. :)

wow. amos just praised my blog. that's huge coming from him. amos, i used to have my doubts when i didnt really know you but i have to admit u're a really gifted writer. he told me this - "if you were a little bit more confident, and cut out all that nonsense of wanting to delete all that "shit" or whatever you call it, it would be much better. IRONY IRONY IRONY. stop saying you feel stupid after you write stuff...it makes you sound stupid, which is a pity because you didn't actually." haha quite true actually.. but it's impossible to cut out feelings of insecurity.. it's impossible to change something which is unfortunately such a huge part of u that sometimes it consumes your life totally. but.. i will try..

the past few days in vj have been very interesting. well.. i've come to realise.. and feel a lot of things..
firstly.. im glad i came to vjc. there i said it. it's taken a year and 7 months to come to this conclusion. i dont exactly know how i nailed this crazy idea in my head to travel from the west to the east everyday when there were so many other schools available for choice. i remember talking to hazel outside the library in one of the first few days of school last yr that i felt that there had to be a reason why i made such a completely irrational decision. over the past year & a half i've been going back and forth with wow! vj is so damn lax. i can just come and go when i want.. not do tutorials.. pon school.. and just be a totally crap student without harming anyone in the process. like thank God for the freedom man! but when i speak to amanda.. or my mg friends.. all the great memories all come flooding back and they really leave me thinking why i didnt take the path that i always thought i would as an mg girl.. the one which led to the gates of ac. things could be different.. i could be with my friends.. and even among people i might feel more comfortable with.. there'd be chapel.. i miss chapel.. i would be closer to God.. i would be happier maybe.. but i've come to realised that i think God really had a purpose for me in coming to vj.. i was looking for a change of environment for a whole load of reasons i shall not go into.. and wow. did i get that or what man. he surrounded me with really great friends, many of who do hold strong in his word too. he made me grow up. a lot more. i cant begin to explain. he's just opened my eyes to so many things out there.. im really cynical but right now.. i'm just very thankful. everything that has happened.. did so for a reason. im not necessarily happy now. i am not. i think it'll be a very long time before i truly am again. but im at peace. well with almost everything i guess. today i had the weirdest lesson of my life in bio s. i shall not elaborate further. it was just.. very.. different. and i left thinking.. my gosh what AM i doing.. but other than that.. today has been a really interesting.. good day. talking with geok in the odac room.. it just felt so good man.. so free to say whatever i wanted to.. i feel much better now.. and even playing tennis with some odacers after bio s in my uniform.. haha. suddenly just felt so free.. and im glad for this freedom that vj has given me. i've often said that i will never feel like a victorian ever. and i dont think i'll change that statement. but im thankful for the school that vj is. i've often said that vj.. jc.. presents so many unfair things.. and i do feel shortchanged sometimes.. coz i feel like i could do so much more. but then again, i never did take the chance and have no one to blame. but i guess it just opened my eyes to the reality of society.

i dont wanna talk about exams coz i think it's stupid and an absolute waste of my time but i just gotta say i guess the next few months are going to be tough. yea the biggest understatement of the year. but.. im going to try to enjoy and treasure every moment of it because i know when it's over, i will miss the days of being a uniformed student. of complaining about crap.. just hanging out around school.. talking about life with my classmates.. going out after school.. leaving in the evening with a slight cold wind blowing in my face and just looking around at this school which i think i have grown slightly attached to after all this time. it feels good to just see people hanging out around school.. enjoying the company of one another. u really do derive happiness from people's pleasure and this is a true, honest statement. i know i will really miss this when it's all left behind. what little time i have left, i will treasure. and really try to do my best.

sigh. what a soppy soppy mood im in now. a few days later when im feeling like shit and in a i-hate-this-damn-world mood i'll prob regret writing this. but it's just what i feel now. grateful for my friends. especially. so everyone who has been a part of my life in vj.. thank you. and to my mg friends.. u guys will always be the best. even though our lives are well.. so different now.. but some things will never change. sigh.. what am i saying... haha well.. i shall leave it at that. i dont know if im trying to use these feelings to cover over those of obvious.. sadness and anger which will never go away. but im trying to be happier. haha. try to be happy. that's sad huh. but that's just how things are.