was talking to sab last night.. my primary school best friend.. who we have so many stupid stupid stupid memories with.. practising cartwheels in the middle of her livingroom in the middle of the night.. me eating like shit at her house coz she always used these damn cheena bowls and chopsticks and the cheena feeling just made me love the food even more.. buying superrings and coke from the shop downstairs which was like a damn big luxury.. sigh. i pray her grandmother will be ok man. anyway.. we were talking bout my bro.. and it brought back super a lot of memories too..

i had a fantastic childhood. and my brother was such a huge part of it.. the thing we were talking bout last night was hilarious.. there was one stage when we were in primary school.. coz my brother is rather creative and just crazy.. he used to make magazines for me.. like mini mags with the A4 papers folded into halves. and there were these characters inside called thinso.. and fatso.. and a whole load of other stuff.. and it was like a monthly thing which i looked forward to. he would draw all these hilarious retarded pictures and come up with hilarious stories which i think i shared with sab sometimes and we just laughed our asses off.. and stupid jokes.. and there was even a page where there would be a contest to win a bag of sweets or something.. so i would fill in the entry and send it to the address.. which was basically my address coz obviously we lived together.. and someday on the way home he would buy some sweets and crap from downstairs and give them to me. it was the highlight of my life. but somehow we would end up quarelling like hell and bashing each other up.. until the next magazine came along. sigh.

so many things have changed since then.. and he's going to brunei tomorrow. i hate growing up.

on another note. hotmail has increased to 25 mb. hallelujah.

in another notebook, sigh.. we have signed.. owen. i dont really approve coz i.. he doesnt seem committed at all.. and we're like his last option.. but what the hell. he's here, he better be here for the club. i hope shearer injects some geordie pride into him.

in another universe.. danielle just sent me the lovely pic she drew for me that day in v28. i think it represents me very well.. rabbit. toilet. pee. shit. and eh.. some red stuff.. what's not to like (:



i was gonna put a picture of shearer.. coz i realise he's NEVER appeared on my blog before.. have no idea why.. but i think i'll save it for the next entry.. this toiletbowl is too degrading

i may have screwed up the only paper i actually have a decent chance of doing well in.
but.. well.. sigh.

van nistelrooy is the biggest asshole on the face of this earth
i can tolerate agression coz that shows u have heart
what i cannot tolerate is when an obviously very able-bodied man goes down in the most excruciating manner whenever someone pokes him and leaves his legs to get tripped by a goalkeeper in the penalty area

another heartbreaking match
another heartbreaking night.. but it's something i've gotta used to over so many years
at least i saw some spirit.. and some hope for tomorrow
shearer is bacckkkkkkkkkk... and luque is looking good.. football wise


i realise that it doesnt matter how great a defender u are.. when u come to newcastle u always turn into a bit fat screwup
i dont necessarily think souness to be the greatest manager in the world.. but i hope he doesnt get sacked.. coz i think he may actually have a great team on his hands.. what we need is a little more fortune in the injury department and a whole lot of team spirit.. with a crowd of 52 000 behind u im sure u can achieve the impossible. plus what andy gray said rings true.. continuous sacking of a manager is no solution to the problem.

on the other hand.. a wonderful picture from last weekend's matches caught my eye..

i think streakers are so damn retarded.. but really are hilarious
the picture was taken at an angle.. where eh.. nothing important is visible really
but knowing how sensitive such issues can be.. i thought i'd add in a little censorship

sigh. reality check man. reality check. get on the stupid wagon already.

gp inspires me to a heck of a lot of an extent.
it's not so much the 'subject'... but more.. the knowledge of the world around u and everything.
i guess science and maths are ok if u're interested.. and lit is a more specific group of arty farty people.
i like lit, but i dislike analysis which most of the time destroys the original beauty.
gp has just it made so clear the direction to pursue in uni.

if i get in.

3 years
6 years
4 years
2 years

how did i become the person i am today

the answer lies in home ____ sweet ____ home
i would like to thank the people here for their continous efforts to put me down. consciously or unconsciously. for always using such positive words on me. shit, being my favourite example. for giving me such a great environment of negativeness to grow up in. for giving me so much space by taking me for granted. for giving me looks of disgust from time to time, making me feel like the most beautiful person in hell. for giving me the gift of being tone death in the face of all these soft sounds of.. agitation.

it is true that.. how u develop during these years shape u for the rest of your life. whatever positive happens from here on.. that foundation can never be removed.

so thank you for making me the person i am today. i thank ______ you.

14+ years of 'education'. 2 weeks to cram in the seemingly impossible shitload.
just when i needed some encouragement, these lovely people over here managed to dish it up again. just like they always have been. and now, i feel i can conquer nothing.

if i am a parent one day. i hope i will be. i want to be. i swear. i'll raise my kid in an environment of positive energy and confidence.

i have revamped my blog! maybe temporarily.. or.. permanently... i dont know.. what looks better? that guy or these pictures? (: anyways.. i've spent quite long doing this.. coz there's just simply no way i can do any work.. as i have for the past 2 days.. sigh. but let's not go there. or i'll just flop down here and die coz im so damn screwed. a few hours ago.. i was feeling this damn strong urge to just blog down my love for this amazing class which i've had the huge fortune of being a part of. however.. after a few hours have passed.. i dont know why.. i just feel a bit like.. a silly little girl. but i shall still do it anyway.. (:

ok. i have no idea what im gonna say.. or how much im gonna go into.. but.. let's just see how deep i can go.. without crossing the line which.. i think ive drawn for myself..
yesterday sometime in the afternoon at 2 something.. i was sitting right here typing out this horrible entry which i've since deleted. i was just feeling extremely extremely extremely downtrodden and disheartened.. for various reasons.. and i just felt like.. i think it's quite uncharacteristic of me to say this.. like i've just really given up on just everything. just.. given up literally. dee came on at night and i spent the entire time ranting at her. i am so sorry.. sigh. and after i was done typing that shitty entry.. i got msgs from dee and meixi bout what was going on in school.. and suddenly right there and then it hit me.. i felt like the most self-centred person the face of this earth. i tried going to my room.. to do something.. read a bit of plath.. but all i could do was just.. bash myself inwardly at the horrible person i was so convinced i was. i dont know how to explain it.. but when i skip school a lot and something goes on.. i mean i dont think really that my presence is like whoa. but i feel.. guilty towards my class in a way. and i felt exactly like that yesterday.. and that i really have let mr ho down. i just.. didnt know what to do.. and was at a complete loss lying there with all these thoughts that i really am the worst person ever. incapable. invalid. and the most terrible friend. sigh. somemore self centred thoughts. decided to just.. remove this blog.. coz it just made me feel.. so selfish and all.. and really pathetic. i spent the day being basically.. miserable.. and just trying to pass my time doing stupid stuff.. and keep my mind occupied.. it didnt help that i was getting bombarded with more comments.. from some place.. as if i dont put myself down enough. like thanks a lot man. but i was.. there was no way i was gonna miss.. our last day of so called 'formal education'... so this morning i just picked off that smile from somewhere on the ground and slapped it back on my face and made it to school. yeaaaaaa!

got to school pretty early.. and went to find danielle and sarah.. then we went to the spec's stand.. and talked about.. what we were supposed to the previous day.. and u know dee and sarah if u're reading this.. i think what did happen.. it's really in a way been a load off my mind. i feel like that anger in that part of my mind. has been lifted.. a little.. is fading.. i dont know.. but thanks anyways u guys.. for assuring me that i was right. haha so sarah was eating two blocks of triangular shaped candle wax which she offered to me and i rejected it obviously coz i accept nothing more than shit which tastes tremendously yummy.. esp if it floats.. i hope no one is eating now.. or shitting for that matter.. coz if ur shit sinks u'll feel so inadequate.. but anyways. then mel and zhen came down from the cross table.. and it was just so great seeing them.. even though i havent just only for a day.. haha.. and we were talking about what happened in class yesterday.. it really did make me a little sad that i wasnt there.. but more than that i was just really really happy.. that.. well.. everyone.. or most people.. feel so much about our class.. i mean.. this is singapore.. where people dont openly express their feelings.. and yet that all changed in an hour plus yesterday.. and they were telling me what everyone said.. did.. whatever.. and i dont really wanna name names.. but everything.. just really damn touching.. and that really just set the mood for the entire day.. which just really passed by in a blur.. o yea i must say something now. i hope mrs wee doesnt use the net -_-. but sometime after school macy and i saw her going back to the hod room.. and she looked up at us.. and i actually waved at her. i cant believe it. and she responded. mm. well. make whatever u want out of that.

soooooooo.. really the day just flew by... celebrating bing's birthday.. everything.. when we were talking bout the start of school and they were bringing back the initial thoughts they had that norman and i were together just coz we were sitting together on the first day of school and he looked like an ac guy. hahaha it just brought back so many memories.. i remember being the stupid person that i was.. i totally forgot what class i was.. and during the first 5 days of school i was already so damn disoriented. firstly. this was a co-ed school and i was still pretty freaked out after having been shut in a nunnery for 10 years. and i didnt exactly have the best orientation coz i was still.. extremely introverted at that point of time.. or my behaviour at least.. so i went from class to class and asked.. excuse me is this 04s23.. repeat a thousand times.. and finally i found us.. hurray! what i remember about then was.. i really was just.. scared. but i did say something to norman though. i think i said do you need a pen.. and he said yea so i gave him one and he said thanks. hahaa normz.. i thought u were typically damn dao la. but i think at that point in time i was the same.. so.. we're even man. ok if im gonna go on and on like that i'll never ever finish this entry.. so i shall stop being so long-winded and just speed along..

anyway. i cant even begin to say how much this class has done for me... even if of course they didnt like.. physically mean to.. coz in a way as much as i love my class.. i feel terrible saying this. but i feel quite.. out of it sometimes. most of the time actually when we do class stuff together.. i feel like a spectator on the border.. just looking on.. and feeling the love from where im standing.. but not being in it.. but i dont know.. i think that's just the mentality that i have.. but i still.. am just so glad for everyone.. and everything..
but of course. i shall begin now. haha. ok. when i left mg.. the last year of my mg life.. was just.. well.. very very very difficult due to some reasons which i definitely will not mention here. i left mg.. with a lot of negative feelings about people around me and this world. dont get me wrong. i love mg and my friends.. the 10 years i spent there was an amazing period of my life.. and my friends.. were just the best people. but i was.. very disillusioned when i left that place. i felt.. just very let down by everything.. extremely extremely insecure.. and my confidence was just really no where to be found.. i felt like everyone and everything was just so damn superficial.. and yea.. life just about sucked at that point.. i felt like i could not live out to all these superficial standards set around me. and i was just really.. i dont know. but i was determined to .. maybe.. change things when i got to jc.. to now i think i didnt really do that. turn my life around and be the best person i could be. but everyone who i've met.. has more than made up for what i could not accomplish here in veejay.
and these 2 years have been.. time has really really flown by.. and my class.. i think the most amazing thing is.. everyone single one of them has just transformed my view on the earth.. and its weird inhabitants called humans. i actually have come to believe again that love and hope does exist. haha that sounds so stupid but it's true! and the friends that i have made.. have just really made me see the beauty of friendship all over again. and even in a way.. i think maybe improved the relationships that i had with my mg friends... (: the friends that i've made here.. they just accept every single flaw.. and.. just really dont judge.. and.. i was very concious of many many things.. when i left mg.. but here.. i felt like nothing was based on anything superficial.. i have no idea how to explain it. dont get me wrong. vj was definitely full of many many ups and downs. not everyday was the happiest day on earth. but.. i think what happiness i got out of it.. just is so much more important than all the negatives and totally outweighs them.. and even if in my class.. there are quite a few people whom i am not v close to.. but i appreciate everyone. coz i've really never seen such a huge gathering of such special individuals before. as in seriously. it must have been fate that put us in a class. haha i sound so retarded huh. and it's not like the big things which happen the entire time.. it's just small gestures here and there.. like when zeya asked me quite a few times whether i was ok today.. he prob doesnt know this but it really meant a lot to me.. and when wei liang msgs me on rare occasions sometime spouting a shakespeare poem.. haha.. it just makes me feel that.. hey i may actually matter to somebody.. as much as they matter to me.. i could just write on more about everyone.. but i dont wanna do that here.. and in such a public area.. i shall save that for another place.. and time.. (: but today just flew by anyway.. it didnt even feel like school.. it felt so.. happy... but yet kinda sad..

today when i opened up the letter mr ho gave to each of us.. it said miss t--- w-- l----.. that's just so touching... miss t--- w-- l---. for once i really liked my name.. haha sigh.. ok well anyway. i was so damn stunned when i opened it. i mean.. i knew mr ho is just prob about the most incredible human being who i know exists.. but i didnt know he was like merlin or something.. and could forge everyone's handwritings. i mean i knew he knew us well.. but THAT well.. i was shocked. so i read on and i was like whoa whoa whoa.. how did he know me so damn well.. until 30 seconds in i realised.. it was the love letter that we wrote to ourselves for gp at the start of last year.. haha.. i have to be the biggest idiot in the world.. at the top i wrote.. dear weilynn.. the reader. and at the bottom when i signed off i wrote love, wei lynn.. the writer. i really am a bit dumb. but the thing is.. when i read it i was really shocked.. and quite a few people shared these opinions about their letters.. i sounded so full of hope.. i sounded so emotional. when i read it a lot of old feelings came flooding back.. i sounded so very.. passionate.. so much anger and confusion... but yet so much hope. i have changed.. i dont know for the better or the worse.. in a way.. i feel so much more.. fragile now. coz that immense anger i had at this world.. it is still there.. but some of it has been just removed.. and taken away over time.. coz i've just come to.. accept the realities of this world more.. not that i am conforming.. but.. i think we all need to accept.. sigh. i dont know. but yea. my classmates. all of us i think we've all changed. some a little.. some really a lot. and through these years i've just gotten to love each one of them more and more. it doesnt matter whatever flaws some of us may have.. coz they're all really so special. and so incredible. every single gesture.. i remember it completely. thanks guys.. for giving me so much attention everytime i make a presentation.. i remember pw and coz.. i really have lost the ability.. to be confident in front of people.. i was just screwing up so much and shafy was like.. weilynn relax.. we're all your friends.. haha.. not sure if she remembers that.. and my recent gp presentation.. thanks everyone for just listening.. (: everything which each person has done.. or said to me over these 2 years is still ringing in my head. all the msgs.. every small gesture.. i dont think anything i say will be able to express how grateful i feel.. and.. how much each and everyone of u has touched my life unknowingly.

when i came to vj i was very messed up. extremely. extremely. messed up. i still am on and off now. but.. the days that i am not.. it's thanks to the people in my life. and the days that i am.. the msgs that i get mean a lot to me.. o hurray mel just msged.. haha. it's so exciting! when u open up ur phone.. and see something from someone who means a lot to you.. i feel like i have a lot more to say.. but i am really very inadequate when it comes to expressing myself.. i would like to ask my classmates something here though.. whichever one of u is reading this.. please. u have to invite me to your wedding. hahaa. it will be.. an absolute honour. shafy remember. coz i think u'll be the first. haha. anyways.. i guess i should end.. it's like 10 30 now and i started at early 9 plus..

so just really.. thanks.. every single person in 04s23.. for even acknowledging my presence. yes. even weiliang and izzu when i was leaving school one day. i heard someone shouting my name t--- so damn loudly. t---! ---! w-- l---! and i would look towards the library and the shouting would stop and then it would start again. haha crazy. but yea! u guys rock. and even talking to me. or caring or everything. this sucks im making it sound like it's all about me.. but it's not. i just feel very blessed to have been part of such a great group of poeple.

zhen. norm. shafy. wenjie. fadhli. izzuDDin. zeya. dee. sarah. hazel. sum. pri. waijia. amos. veron. joy. diana. mel. meixi. o-wern. wee suan. karthik. wei liang. bing.
u guys really have just brightened up my life.. (:

last kiss

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road, straight ahead
A car was stalled, the engine was dead
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget, the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

When I woke up the rain was pouring down
There were people standing all around
Something warm, flowing through my eyes
But somehow I found, my baby that night
I lifted her head she looked at me and said
"Hold me darling just a little while"
I held her close I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I had missed
Well now she's gone even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life, that night

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

i love this song. it's so beautiful in all its sadness. it's as though love really does exist.. in its purest.. rawest form.. i love it.

i am sitting here now.. coz i dont wanna do anything. my mind is a complete blank and my willpower to do anything right now. today. is a complete zero. i am trying not to care about anything and that is making everything even so much more real. so for just this period i shall try not to give a shit about anything. im so tired. shall not talk about this anymore.

i cannot believe 2 years of jc have just flown by.. mel and i were talking about it today during lessons.. o man.. im repeating myself again.. but im soooooooooooooooo thankful for my class.. and i think we got the best teachers in the world.. gosh.. i could go on and on about this.. but.. boohooooooo... we were having chem lab today and i think it's prob the most enjoyable lab lesson that i've had ever.. to just talk and joke and do everything so freely.. to actually have fun mixing chemicals and all.. to have the guys all gaying around as usual.. shit. i cant believe friday is the last day of our uniformed education. forever. can u believe it? i cant believe my days of going to school. moaning and groaning or being a complete fool. and being a part of the most amazing class on earth is going to come to an end. i was looking at danielle's blog.. and i saw the pic of us at pizza hut at the start of last year.. haha o man. everyone has changed. so. damn. much. it's like.. this life has come to an end..and we're all gonna embark on this very scary new life.. it's crazy. 2 years. no.. i dont feel like a victorian. and i prob wont ever. anyway i think vs guys will only think that they are the 'true victorians'. shall not go on anymore.. heh. coz it's well.. a sensitive issue. and i do feel extremely strongly bout my mg too. 10 freaking years. but.. im really really glad i came to vj.. and all these great great great people who i've crossed paths with over the last 2 years.. wow. just thank you man. for all the good and bad shit that has happened.. thank you.. all the idiots whom i have met.. and to all the rest i just totally.. dig u guys man. it's been an awesome ride. friday. is going to be a very sad day. i never thought it would come.

actually.. i take back what i said.. about idiots whom i've met. coz i've met none. really. i think everyone really is special in their own way.. and for those whom i didnt necessarily agree with.. it's just a personal preference kinda thing. difference of character. i almost did something that day.. which might have relieved me of well.. some stuff. but i didnt. dont know why.

i'll write more on this next time.. i dont wanna forget.. what this 2 years.. has done. but.. just not in the happy mood which i need to be in.. to celebrate the wonderful friendships made.

from this...



to this...


even norman seems to have aged...

yea... class table.. :)

ok got home a while ago.. and i wanna blog first before i my thoughts and feelings run far far away from me.

i realised that school a really great place to be at. i think i've definitely spent the 2 most useless years of my life academic wise in jc coz i dont listen to lectures or do tutorials so everything is a complete blank but a lot of things go on outside these areas of 'learning' and to me.. that is jc. i went to school with a heavy heart this morning and came back feeling as light as a bird. well. sort of. what a stupid analogy but i am feeling a bit idiotic now.. so there.

thank you danielle for walking me to the bus stop and talking so much crap. haha crap o yea i must call SBS and congratulate them on their wonderful service of 48. i cant believe i discovered it so damn late dammit. sbs rocks. i remember mr ho said something along the lines of.. even though u wanna be 'good' u much rather stay in the 'bad' than go to the 'good'. kinda meaning like.. even though u know u're in a shitty situation and doing shit u rather be there than be this great amazing person aceing everything being the president of this and that. and the reason for that is u take comfort in the shit.. u dont dare to step out of it to be good.. coz what if u do and u realise that u arent.. and am in fact a good for nothing. i think i mentioned this before.. but anyway.. yea i think that's so damn true.. and it's exactly the situation im stuck in.. i dont dare to try to make things good for myself.. or be a better person that i know i can be.. coz im scared that when i do i'll realise that there's nothing there at all. ive been completely drained or any confidence i had left. and i am literally extremely convinced now that i am unable to accomplish a lot of things. but i shall try my best to move away from that.. i have to.. no choice.. i deserve better!! i deserve better!!

i think being around friends makes u just feel so happy. talking and everything. keeping myself isolated from the rest of society.. is just not doing myself any good. i guess im trying to protect myself.. and not wanna face things.. but at the end of the day.. i am just rotting away in this cover of protection.. i guess u've just gotta face up to everything.. face ur fears.. and before u know it things will be better.. im blogging this as a reminder.. so the next 2 weeks are probably gonna be like hell.. but i cant isolate myself forever.. thanks to my great classmates.. for just making jc life soooooooooooo tolerable and so much happier.. i had many many thoughts at the start of the year of retaining myself. crazy huh. i just felt so inadequate about everything. but the biggest factor that made me stay where i am other than the obvious realisation that i was being a complete idiot is my class (: so i was walking home happily just now listening to class 95.. which is a way better station than 98.7.. i prefer the djs and the music is so much better.. i hate the music on 987.. anyways.. and michael jackson's black and white came on.. followed by carrie underwood's inside your heaven.. haha i love the first song it's my favourite song of his.. and although i think the second is kinda cheesy.. she does have an amazing voice.. and it just lifted my spirits somehow.. for a couple of hours today i have been convinced that life is great.. and we can be really really happy.. i shall try to keep that up for the rest of the day.. although i feel myself falling asleep now.. zzzzzzzzzz...

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!!!!

ok.. i finally have access to my com again.. when i didnt i had so much to say.. and now then i do.. i realise that i just dont wanna say anything much at all..

i've had a lot of dreams in the last few days.. and all involving a lot of anger.. and a particular person popping up at which it was directed at.. sigh. i dont understand why. and a lot of other things have happened over the short weekend.. not physically.. but like.. yea.. just a lot of things. sigh.

help.

another day of sleeping.. and sleeping.. and sleeping.. and still it just seems to get worse. sigh. i think i must be suffering from lack-of-odac-room syndrome. during one of my long sleeps just now.. i dreamt bout the odac room. i dreamt that it was given a revamp. and it had aircon taken from one of the classrooms.. and it just looked damn freaking good. there was one table left.. a nice steady one.. everything was freaking neat no stuff at the side or whatever and there was even a damn nice mattress cum sort of bed on the floor.. hoho more on that later. the cubes were not cubes anymore! the whole room seemed expanded.. and the cubes were now like vertical instead or horizontal.. and there was like a lot or walking spaces between them - there were a few rows. and the atmosphere was just so damn good. and when i went there for the first time i was totally blown away.. and when i went to the cubes.. WHOA. there were super a lot of presents and letters in there. yea what a fantasy. and then the dream started getting damn weird. when i took them out there were a lot of sports bras. yea. and they had notes with quite kinky msgs on them. *shudder*. and then some people started putting the mattress to.. eh.. good use. i dont know coz i didnt look on anymore -_-. then i had to change into shorts and tees or something but there was really no where to 'hide' so i just went to the back and started changing. and a certain someone just walked in like nobody's business. freak. and there was some room beside our room which had this glass wall so we could see everything going on there. and suddenly all the girls just seemed in a state of being half dressed and the guys were all shirtless and then this guy started taking drugs in the opposite room and they were all yanked away by seet. and then i woke up i think. sigh. weird. and no it's not a sick fantasy. ive lost the plot. totally.

shouldnt have gone to school today. coz things were just.. not very good. for freak's sake the security guard almost reduced me to tears. haha. what a joke man. but he does seem like a really good guy. but was just feeling damn argh. sigh.. but dont really wanna go into that. i wanna go for countrywife.. i love countrywife.. but i dont think i will be.. damn this sucks. i was telling meixi something that day.. that there are these people around in school who i used to know and chat with and like.. get along well with and stuff. so it's like we'll say hi for a couple of times and smile and all.. but after that.. everyone just starts to ignore me. and not just stare at u blankly like i dont recognise you. but look u straight on.. a split second of horror. and then stare away immediately and walk past you like they're doing a march past but looking away and down instead of at you and up. even when i do smile or wave. i've stopped being a circus clown now. it's quite pissing. irritating. and ultimately sad. freakshit. i dont think i did anything wrong.. and when if im friendly with people i am genuinely nice ok. im not really anything what my face seems to suggest. i.e. some frankenstein shit. but.. i think i have done that a few times to some people too.. but it's not coz i hate u or anything man.. i am just really.. freakingly.. shy. esp if u're somebody i like as a person even though i dont know u that well.. there're two people that pop into my head suddenly.. one of them i saw today.. and did the exact same thing.. split second movement of the lips trying to create the illusion of a smile and then look away. the other.. i see around school occasionally. i was actually kinda 'intro'ed to this person (P) by a friend. so like a casual hi kinda thing.. and for a couple of times i saw P around i would say hi or at least smile. there was once i came back to school for something one day and i think P was literally the only person around in school left.. and i was in a super good mood that day so i let out a huge HELLO!! and i think P was quite taken aback but P did reply after P got over the shock. but since then.. it's been.. not sure where to look.. so look away. i dont know. haha and i'm prob the only one feeling this and P doesnt give a shit or even have any clue who this obviously siao person is. i find human interaction very weird.. and yet very interesting.. well i doubt either will read this and even if they do they prob wont know im talking about them.. so there. but if u happen to for some warped reason and think it's you.. leave a msg! haha. what a boring paragraph. maybe i am being overly sensitive.. but that's me man. so.. freaking take it or leave it. or just leave it man. sigh. cant really be bothered anymore.

i am right now breaking out into a cold sweat and officially have nothing more to say but my hands wont stop typing coz i feel like typing something but have no idea what to. think. think. think. haha. in you are unaware that is very dry laughter. i just opened msn.. and saw something which juz make me very sad for a second. i dont know why. hohoho. i think it's weird that when there's a person u like a lot. it doesnt matter which gender and im talking in an purely character sense and not anything else. things about them.. just affect you. i dont know. i feel like i've lost a.. treasured friend. well.. but i think person probably doesn even care coz there's just no need to. but friend seems really happy. and this may sound very cliche but i realise it is true. that another person's happiness is always the best thing.. and what ultimately makes you feel happy too. kinda ironic since i am slightly sad. but i am really really happy for person. and.. person! since i probably wont tell you this anymore.. i know whatever happens for you in the future and all will be fantastic. and im really glad for that :) i think i say this to my friends quite a lot.. again.. but i do really mean it. haha i think im just very insecure. and i hate people like that! who complain about it all the time! like me! but im not complaing.. im just saying.. saying.. haha. i have come to a realisation. there're a lot of things which i cannot stand about people.. and a lot of people who piss me off. but i think i've just realised that it's not them i dont like. it's me.

what a nice ending.

EVERYBODY HURTS

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'cause everybody hurts. take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. don't throw your hand. oh, no. don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. and everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. so, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. you are not alone

i love this song. i love the lyrics.
it's stuck in my head.
i just hope it doesnt pop up during an exam and kill me off.
just like n'sync's pop has numerous times..
and rob thomas's lonely no more
and so many more songs which prevent me from concentrating.
if i hear daaarrrrreeeeeeeeeeee... dareeeee to pop in my head when im trying to think of some stupid chemistry shit during another exam. i swear i will die on the spot.

im so tired. that beloved essay just killed me off yesterday. just woke up at 5. another day gone. i made someone a promise which im not very sure im keeping at the moment.. i've gotta honour that man.. shit i will.

was watching oprah just now though in my nap-break. and what i saw just pissed the crap out of me. these parents trying to live out their dreams of show business and well..just making their kids live out their dream and not really giving a shit what their kids wanted or whether they wanted to be their own person. there was this guy who had 6 kids and he moved them all to nyc and is giving all of them a decade to make it in showbiz coz he has always had the dream of doing broadway. and throughout the show when he was talking and trying to make excuses for his actions of controlling his kids lives and directing them towards this shit instead of letting them develop as individuals and giving them the love they needed. you could see the quiet desperation in the eyes of those kids, yet they couldnt seem to say a word.. and that was the saddest thing. some kid.. a boy.. just started crying but he couldnt really say why. freak. if you're not ready to be a parent and change your life which is what you will have to do if you have a kid.. then dont do it then! only when u're sure that u have the selflessness to care for another other than yourself.. should u even get married.. have children.. i think i wanna have kids one day. how weird saying that. but.. ah. what the heck. at least i'll know what not to do.. i think.

wanted to say something.. but forgot what. anyway im gonna leave this quote that i got from some other guy's blog which has an extremely similar address to mine. in fact i would have used that but he had it. so i had to manipulate it with an addition..

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge He is with their lips, and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

so true huh.

just remembered what i wanted to say.. odac phototaking is tmr. SUCKS i really really really hate phototaking. gah! i feel like wringing someone's neck now. dont know why. anybody.. anybody.. u can volunteer yourself tomorrow. grrrrrrrr.

just wanted to post this.. and make good what i told zhen today

from beloved:

"and so they were: paul d garner, paul f garner, paul a garner, halle suggs and sixo, the wild man. all in their twenties, minus women, f***ing cows, dreaming of rape, thrashing on pallets, rubbing their thighs and waiting for the new girl..."

well.. these are obviously damn extreme circumstances.. when men.. sadly.. are no more men.. because of how they have been treated from the moment they were born.. brought up thinking they were less than animals.. which is how the whites defined them.. but they allowed themselves to be defined that way.. which brings me back to today's lit lesson.. which makes my brain wanna melt away into a pile of crap cos it was in a complete whirl. so i shall stop on this topic. i really did like beloved when i first read it.. but after all this analysis we've done on it.. im sick of the book. honestly.. i think sometimes we read so much into things.. and it just makes the book lose it's original beauty.. which is ironic considering that im a lit student.. but.. o well.

btw. the passage above is pretty normal in the context of this book.. and just about most lit material i would think. im so accustomed to saying sex and just about anything after pw and reading all these books. no situation can surprise me anymore.

ok i have to add a short post.. so.. to a certain friend..

yo friend. haha hmmm.. sorry if u think i made a rather unfair generalisation but maybe things didnt really come out the way i intended them to.. which happens a lot of the time.. but.. haha im not putting all guys down and generalising them as sex maniacs.. im really just saying that there is this instinct there.. which just makes me.. a little put off sometimes.. but.. yea it's natural i guess. and obviously for some people it's much worse and these are the ones who should really be dealt with and shamed but there are good guys too. i know that. i am just kinda biased ok. haha. and yea.. girls obviously do go out of the way for attention too.. i did mention that.. haha that's why i said.. it's just quite sad.. but i guess that's just how humans are.. and how we turned out although im not sure God meant for us to be this way.. so.. yea! it was just an observation.. so.. testosterone all the way man!!! .... not. this apology is not that great. hoho. and no i dont swoon over 'cute guys'. whatever 'cute guys' are. i have officially lost the ability to be a girl so i merely walk around looking pissed at the whole world effectively scaring away anyone who could potentially be a friend or whatever. so u can take this as as the perspective of a bacterium in the world or something but i will still stick by what i said. mmm.. ok friend? haha take care man! hope things are going well for u! haven seen u in a few milleniums i'll seeya when the next one comes along :)

came back from a short camp with manda at camp christine.. a very interesting outdoor cooking competition.. haha. i love stuff like this.. i really do. i always dont feel like going before but when im there.. im just loving it. it's just so great to talk to manda about all the same old memories we have of that place.. and all the stupid idiotic things we've done there over so many years.. since primary school.. and just reliving the friendships with all these wonderful people who have been such a huge part of our lives.. i miss the days of manda, denise, theresa and i being complete fools and annoying everyone else and making sanitary pad jokes coz we were such a loud patrol. i miss the days of lying on each other under the shelter on the floor full of shit in a square with denise repeating cupping my ear for no reason at all. i miss the days of trying to swim back against the current after pathetic attempts of 'saving denise' from the tree.. i miss kris.. everything. everybody. i keep going on and on about this. but i dont care i must say it again.. im so grateful for everyone who's just been a part of my life.. went back to mg.. and i really really miss the place.. those 10 years have held so many memories for me.. haha.. i was looking at those sec sch girls who now really seem so young to me.. haha i cant remember being like that at all.. life in mg was just fantastic. we were really in our own bubble.. but what a bubble man.. what a bubble.. i've so many mixed feelings about things that have happened since leaving mg.. dont really wanna talk about it now.. coz im still really tired.. well do so.. another day.. or maybe never..

on another note.. im really crazy over my grandmother.. i dont wanna use that four letter word.. which starts with L.. what were u thinking.. coz i just have a huge problem using it.. other than times when im really on a high and use it on friends.. so i'll spare myself the agony of cringing when i read this again. i think she just made me have a mini breakdown.. haha. sigh.. again.. i dont really wanna say much.. coz i hate talking about this.. it's stressful enough for everybody and to have to read it again.. it's just unfair.. and i have to be responsible to the public coz i know my friends do read this.. haha nah.. i guess.. the pressure is just getting really too great to bear.. and yet i have failed to do what ive promised to do myself every single time.. and i really already feel like i have failed. but the short period of time we have left.. will be for the rest of our lives.. but i really feel like i've already let everyone down.. anyone who has even an mm cube of faith in me.. and i will continue to do so.. haha i sound so self righteous.. like what gives me the right to think that people give a crap about me. but if they do.. and i know they do coz i have really selfless friends who are the best friends in the world anyone could ask for.. i think maybe i should start handing out apology letters now.. coz i actually really believe now that i am incapable of anything. everything i yearn for and feel passionate for.. is just gonna slowly destroy me cos i dont think im going to be able to do it.. so what am i sitting here typing this when i could be doing something which could potentially change my life.. haha i dont know either.. but i have to get this out of my system. as for letting myself down.. i think ive done it so many times i've just become numb to it and somehow im not sure if i feel a responsibility towards myself anymore.. haha i think im just living for the people who i really care about.. cos honestly i couldnt give a shit what i myself thought.. i think.. haha i dont even know what im saying.. and all these 'haha's are not going in line with the topic here.. but i dont care.. sigh. i dont think im the strong person i've prided myself on being. and i really seem to have dropped about half of my brain somewhere along the way. it's on the floor somewhere along with my ego. if anyone can find it please hand it to me.. only i think the only person who has any possibility of finding it is mr toh if he walks around with a microscope. but really. this isnt a pathetic cry or anything cos. im just not like that. i just.. i dont know.. but.. i wont sit around moping and feeling sorry for being apologetic. i wont. i wont. but im just so scared of letting everyone down.. haha i know im not the only one out there who is feeling it. but.. yea.. mel.. dee.. and everyone else who is just struggling with getting started and doing whatever u need to be doing.. ironically im gonna say this.. but i really have faith in u guys.. haha seriously. if i had to bet my life on anything in this world it would be on what great people u guys are. so i guess let's just strive towards.. whatever it is we wanna achieve...

onward singapore!

ok wrong day that was about 4 days ago.. onward us man. i hope this fear will generate some positiveness in me somewhere. come on me. self destruction is not an option. i have to repay all that faith man.

i have to say something here.. im getting increasingly ticked off by idiots who keep talking shit about blogging using the stupid term 'bloggers' and saying this is an advertisement of our lives or whatever. just shut the hell up u dimwits. i dont give a shit if there're actually people out there doing it. but i know for me and a lot of other people this is a therapeutic thing.. and actually a great way to keep in touch with the people in our lives.. technology has actually helped communication in a new way. these are just some of my thoughts.. which i have to get off my chest man. and i dont ever bullshit. this is writing. not blogging. write write write u idiots.

one more thing. i had a very nice talk with someone on friday. im not sure if that person (P) felt the same way.. but it really made me feel.. good inside about things. i dont know what.. just things.. and i am freakingly damn sure P wont read this.. but.. wow. u know how sometimes u just stumble across these people who really u dont exactly have any relation with.. but just have a conversation where everything clicks.. it's just great.. and i really wish and hope for P that everything goes smoothly man.. coz P really deserves the best! i overuse this phrase loads.. but i mean it man

mr ho is the most amazing teacher ever. well prob many of my classmates will echo this.. and it's like way old news but i just have to say it again anyway. everyone else is just so focused on getting their job done academically and even if they would wanna be involved in the lives of their students in any other way, it hardly works out. but mr ho is so different. from our first gp lesson til now he's just been blowing our minds away with his neverending bank of knowledge.. and this is a guy who actually.. has an understanding.. and knows so much more about life as compared to the common idiot on the road. im not like hero worshipping or whatever. im just really glad that i've had the fortune of being in his class. which other teacher would sit at the swing with a gp clinic with students surrounding him in chairs carried form the concourse? which other teacher would freely use the word shit. a huge hurray for that
and he's just never judged like the normal teacher has either. he actually knows us. and he's given me so much leeway on a lot of things.. i think i really owe him tremendously. danielle and i had quite a long talk with him.. and.. i remember shafy and i spoke to him a few months ago when we were deciding on S papers, and he told me to change the opinions of the other teachers had of me.. there was still time. unfortunately, i screwed those months and now i feel like the chance is gone. it's not that i give a shit what they think of me coz i dont believe they can ever know a student.. unless they're like mr ho of course. it's just that sometimes u have to be realistic and these are people who indirectly will determine some significant part of your future education. dammit. but it is my fault for failing to see that initially and not being a happy, likeable, hardworking student.. or whatever they want. but anyway i would never wanna do or be something which im not! i would never purposely put up some freaking stupid front. it's just so damn pathetic. i guess if that's just the way i am and they cant deal with me not being a good student or whatever shit adjective they use to describe them then i deserve every bad comment that comes my way. i was telling danielle i feel like i let mr ho down.. and she said i let myself down more than i did mr ho. which is very true. and which is really really sad. sigh. i feel like i didnt have.. as much character as i thought i had.. i couldnt put my mind down to doing something which i had to do.. and now i've just put myself into a very precarious position again.. and what mr ho said initially made me feel kinda discouraged.. but as we talked more i realised that sometimes.. i just have to be realistic.. sometimes being realistic i guess doesnt mean letting go of your ideals.. but rather.. actually setting your foot on the path that will take you there.. i dont know what's going to happen.. but i will never let go of anything i feel damn strongly for.. so i guess we'll see..
i know i can never go against how i am and really suck up like hell. or even just make myself out to be liked by someone for a reason, especially if we're talking about teachers, but i guess the least i could have done was do my work and maybe paid attention. but there should be.. no regrets man.. i guess now.. i'll just look forward and see what i can do.. i desperately wanna prove them wrong. but i have so many doubts in my capabilities and abilities by now..

i have a lot of thoughts on that.. but i dont think i'll write anymore down.. coz my mind is still in a whirl.. anyway.. i love my friends! again! yea moving on..

we were watching some crap on tv yesterday when my mum let out a cry and all attention turned to my dad. apparently he found the fringe the barber cut for him too long when it's like half of mine and so he went to cut it himself and it turned out like.. well.. u know those that are flat straight in front of your face. hoho. but my dad really is damn cool that way. to me definitely he is the greatest guy on the surface of this earth. he's just so damn different from everyone else. maybe it's because of his absolute faith in God. he doesnt give a shit about what people think about him or society's expectations. he just goes about his job and serving the Lord as much as he can. i would say that my dad is damn good looking for his age. not boasting or anything, but it's just a fact. he could look 20 years younger if he dressed younger but he doesnt give a shit! he can wear the same skinny pair of jeans or pants that he wore 20 years ago (they're prob classics now). he could wear mismatched shoes with anything. he could use handkerchiefs with holes in them. he doesnt give a shit about money. he doesnt give a shit about all the superficial things that people do. he's just so damn different. and he's really the nicest person ever. he's so damn obliging (which at times makes me damn pissed off coz i feel people take advantage of that a lot) and just an extremely nice person who doesnt judge people. and yet he can be so damn retarded at times.. just doing the stupidest most hilarious things. sigh. it doesnt matter what has happened, what's happening, or what will happen. but my family is definitely the most important thing to me. i would die for anyone of them. i know it sounds so hypocritical in a way to say that coz u've not been placed in that situation. but i would. it doesnt matter whatever shit goes on. i love my sister to bits and if anyone laid a hand on her i'll kill you. you know i would.

















yes my dad still looks like that! better in fact i would think! childhood just rocked man. right now.. i feel like we can just see the road lying straight ahead in front of u.. but cant see beyond that.. i somehow believe that if u stick with whatever u believe in.. things will just work out in their own time.. i hope that holds true.

we were talking about this today.. how some people dont say things directly but they drop hints and or put things up here or there to give people an idea or what is happening/how shitty everything is or whatever it is and just want to draw that attention or sympathy to themselves. i admit i've blogged a couple of times when i was really in deep shit but those were out of moments of pure... helplessness. u get over moments like these. and everyone goes through them. but to draw attention to yourself in an indirect way. i think it's just pathetic. if u wanna say something say it. if not dont be a hypocrite and leave everyone guessing. coz guess what. no one gives a shit. well at least i dont. particular things make me sick and this is one of them.

i just read some.. interesting news . the wife of a criminal shot a guard so that he could escape as he was being led back to prison after leaving a court appearance. yea she killed him. sigh. the things that go on around us.. well.. around us a million miles away.. u know when u hear things like that.. murder.. rape.. blah.. the usual response is "what! that's terrible!.... (10 second period of frowning).... so what's showing on tv now?".. or something along those lines.. i think it's because u cant even imagine such a thing really happening coz it's just not.. well.. how should i say this.. not an environment that u've been brought up in.. and your nature which u would think is normal cannot be compared with that crazy violent completely haywired nature of these people. coz we all originated from different circumstances.. different environments.. maybe they came from extreme violence.. abuse.. emotionally.. physically.. or they have just completely warped mindsets of the world because of everything which happened thereafter.. u know as im typing this now i realise there's really no way i can express what i really intend to. ok so maybe i should just stop. im not giving excuses for these people obviously.. coz what u want to do in the end.. is your choice. and i guess we are sinful by nature but to actually even hold a knife up to someone with the intention to hurt.. you've just crossed over to the other side. sigh. but these things are things that we.. i think as singaporeans will always feel detached from in a way.. it doesnt matter how screwed up one is.. coz everything here is so safe and secure and the moment 1 murder happens.. the whole island explodes in shock. just ask yourself how many million freaking times have you heard the name huang na by now. huang na! huang na! huang na! make that a million and 3.

crap. i need some peace.

anyway.. whoa. in response to zhen. i didnt know that people actually like.. would respond to my entry! haha siao la! i have no power man. i am merely a humble servant of the human race. nah actually i am aspiring to be oprah so im using this blog as a launch. except that my language sucks. and i cant really express myself that well. and this is reaching an audience of no more than 10 i would think. and i dont have enough money to give away cars. anyway zhen i totally get where u're coming from.. you know i think like what u said when u read people writing into newspapers asking bout love or sex advice u think like whattttttttttt.. crazy. i feel like the sad truth is that.. a lot of couples out there.. even married people are not together because of 'true love'. if indeed such a thing existed. i think a lot of the time people come together for a lot of other reasons.. some realise eventually that this it is just not.. real.. and break. some get married for convenience's sake. and all this results in all these letters being written in.. asking for advice.. i would think that a very small percentage of people out there.. who really are each other's soul mates. who just feel such a connection to each other that so many stupid things like he seems to be ignoring me lately is it coz he likes someone else? or we're not having sex regularly. why why why. these things dont even matter coz these 'problems' just dont exist. i dont know how to explain this cos obviously i've never experienced it, but, i think love is just all you need and there're just no questions which need to be asked. it's just something special shared within two people.. sigh. i dun know. and right now dun really give a crap either. as to the topic of sex zhen.. maybe.. we're still young la. and also coz of the environment we've grown up with and the people we've mixed with.. and of course or religons. i would think that a big majority of singaporeans have much different feelings on this.. so maybe when we get older and find the right person.. right now.. yea it's just kinda weird to think of it. we sound so little girl huh. but i dont give a shit. it's just our opinions man.
and amos if u read this. im not saying dean is the only one at fault. of course rory is too. she should have known better than to get with it with a guy who is still married. but my point is, he was the one who went to look her up and eventually shut the door in her face when he was pissed that his marriage was gone. ironic that his dead marriage was the reason he looked her up in the first place. rory made a mistake but dean just totally manipulated her and his wife. and that is the problem that i have. you cant have things as and when u like it. you cant have your cake and eat it. but dean was eating two enormous piles of cake here.

after writing so many opinions recently. i realise i have gotten very sick of myself. and i think people will probably too. im so sad i wanna watch my dead poets again. except 1 cd has walked away from me. sigh. i cant remember what was the exact quote.. but it was something along the lines of no matter what anyone says.. opinions can change the world? im probably wrong.. but sometimes i dont see how that can happen.. when even u get sick of your words.

just found out from sarah that 59612895 people died in world war 1. can u even imagine that. we should be so grateful.

i received a letter through mail just now. it was from a friend and classmate who i see in school everyday and chat with online almost everyday. and yet she still sent me a letter. i dont wanna talk much about it coz it would just.. degrade what really means a lot to me. i've just really been blessed with such great friends.
thanks :) (L)(L)(L)

sigh. was listening to james blunt's you're beautiful. and i suddenly realised something which i hadnt before.

"...she could see from my face that I was,
F**king high
and I don't think that I'll see her again..."

such a lovely song.. destroyed by one word.
i've typed it a few times, but i wont say it.
i dont care if i sound like a prude. i just hate it.
ugly. disgusting.

i was talking about jon stewart yesterday. shall continue about it here coz i realised something. u know how u always read about women being drawn to married men. well, i think i realise what the underlying reason for that is. not that i am one of them of course. please. i couldnt give a shit/am still a kid/am not a slut. but anyway jon stewart is married and i realise the first thing that pops to my mind when i know that a certain male celeb is married is - wow. he must be different from the rest who just go around from club to club drinking doing this and that.. very pathetic colin farrell like. this guy is actually willing to settle down with a woman despite all the playmates that stardom could bring him. so instantly he sort of goes up in your estimation as compared to other blond blue-eyed buff slabs of meat.. or f4 like pieces of.. i shall not say. let's be nice. so i guess this stability.. is a draw? i think the aura that married guys give off may be different especially for women looking for something more serious. i dunno. but anyway it's an absolute SIN to get involved with a married guy it doesnt matter what the reason is! i wish they showed jon stewart's daily show here.. but i guess it's too much of an american show and well the humour and all... it's too much for most singaporeans to take maybe. but it's really hilarious what i've seen of it. i found this pic, a 'promo' for his show



nice huh.. i promise this is as R(A) as my blog will get.. in fact this is so damn PG man.. just that people have a problem with everything. it's just for laughs man

i have a feeling this is gonna be a long entry...
ok like i said yesterday.. i wanna talk about guys.. no im gonna waste my time blogging about a subject which i have absolutely zero interest in now and sometimes just makes me quite annoyed. i wanna talk about some aspect.. which is quite disturbing.. i was watching gilmore girls that day on sunday and the storyline is something like that (this is gonna be really long i think.. but it's a pretty good illustration) --- rory used to be the ex-gf of this guy dean but they broke up and while she moved on to yale he got married... but they're still really young and all and i think even though it's over there's still some nostalgic affection which has always been present there. so anyway dean encounters some problems in his marriage and one night comes to tell rory that it's all over between he and his wife. no they're not divorced.. but there're just no way to salvage it - it's over. and suddenly in a moment of passion they end up having sex. on rory's bed. and this is damn unexpected coz rory is this good girl with straight As and i dont think she could hurt a fly. no not coz she's really thin but coz she's got a good heart. so after everything's done rory's mum finds out and is shocked coz dean is still a married man it doesnt matter what he says, but yet rory very protectively says that he loves her and she doesnt regret it and yet it's obvious that somewhere in there.. she knows it wasnt really right. anyway after that she arranges to meet dean somewhere to clarify it.. but then somehow they just end up in the sack again. by this time rory has chosen not to heed her mum's advice under the disillusionment that dean really does love her. so one day she walks by the butcher's and sees this girl inside asking desperately for a particular meat and practically begging the guy for it coz he seems to be out of it all coz her husband really likes it and she needs to save her marriage. and guess who the girl is? that's right.. it was jennifer aniston!

nah it was actually dean's wife. and ting!!! a lightbulb goes off in rory's head - omg.. my mum was right.. they are still married.. and here she is trying to salvage their marriage whereas her husband had sex with me.. so anyway rory goes off to europe with her grandma prob to take a breather from things and avoids contact with dean. so they show a scene at dean's house where his wife has dressed up.. looks really good and is cutting the meat for her husband who initially looks quite stand-offish but eventually it's obvious he still has feelings for her and they're all smiles. so does dean realise cheating on his wife was wrong.. no! he still tries to call rory's handphone after that but she rejects his calls. she mails her mum a letter to pass to dean which she does. one day while her mum is out in town, they pass dean's house where he and his wife are having a huge quarrel and it can be heard from the streets and she's throwing his stuff out of the window.. ting ting ting!!!! she found rory's letter. dean is a dope really. so rory comes back.. and finds out and is really shaken up. what she wrote in the letter was to tell dean it was really special but she realises he is married and hopes that he can go and try to salvage his marriage. so one day rory and her mum are walking down the street and suddenly they walk into dean's wife and her mum. and the mum dumps a whole load of shit on rory. quite saddening. rory goes to find dean at his house coz he's moved back with his parents and guess what responsible dean does. he shuns her and told her he never should have thrown his marriage away for a girl who dumped him a few years ago and he goes in and slams the door in her face in rory's mid-sentence.

i can imagine a guy reading this going.. well yea that's how things work man..
but a girl reading this... TOTAL INJUSTICE!!! DEAN IS SUCH A FREAKING JERK!!!!! he cheats on his wife and tells this girl he loves her. and has sex with her twice after which when his wife finds out he immediately turns his back on the girl and it becomes her fault. freaking coward. he gets what he wants and then when things dont go his way he has to find someone to blame. i think guys overuse the word love a lot. look at this idiot here. i dont think he could even phantom what the word really means

damn it. the above was not to show that i am a soap opera freak coz i am not. i choose the shows i watch carefully and this one has some brains behind it as simplistic as i made things sound. the point was after i watched it.. it brought me back to something which we were talking about in school... o yea i think i forgot to mention that rory was a virgin and she gave away her first to shit. dont accuse me of sympathising with the girl. i am always backing the guy and hating the girl. but this situation is different. anyway we were having gp lesson that day.. and pri/hazel/joy were presenting on postcards from congo (check it out if u wanna know how much cruelty women have been put up too). and there were so many gruesome images u could conjure up from their words it was just absolutely disgusting.. there was this woman who was raped repeatedly while her mother if im not wrong was being burnt alive and she could smell the flesh burning and there were babies who were raped too.. i dont really wanna say anymore but things are even more horrible than you could ever imagine. and you know what? even though these women did not CHOSE to get raped.. their husband shuned them after coz they were unclean now. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!! i think zhen, sarah, meixi, shaf, dee and i were talking bout it during break.. cant remember.. and.. it's just so disgusting what men can do to women. meixi said that actually the problem also lies with the women coz they could change their fates they could do something about it. but i dont think so. i think in today's world women are increasingly gaining more power even over men sometimes coz i think one thing women will always have over men and that sexual power which men can barely resist. just think of all the embarrassing situations men get into for women, trust me dont underestimate that power.. if u wanna know how much watch mtv. but yet.. there's nothing women can do when it comes to abuse. sexual, verbal abuse. coz the physical power that men have is just too strong to resist and the emotional trauma i think is too great. in situations like congo, i mean it is virtually impossible for these women to actually resist these men no matter how much they try. i think rape is the absolutely most disgusting thing in the world.. yea even beside terrorism. the shame and abuse one has to endure... it's crazy! yea ok i know guys get raped too but the MAJORITY obviously are girls. can u image how it feels like.. no dont. it's just disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. it may seem unfair to say this, but it really isnt. hear me out first. i think in guys there is this.. cannibal like instinct. not in that they would love to eat human flesh.. (i think) but that they.. seek that of females.. however weird that sounds. it doesnt matter if u are a wanted rapist or some harmless student somewhere out there in big old singapore. i think there's just that similar instinct in every single guy.. is it testosterone i dont know. and i dont mean on 'big scale' things like rape. even checking out girls on the street.. in clubs.. and i dont mean just looking.. but cleavage.. legs.. everything.. and if you have a girlfriend.. as nice and gentlemanly as u are.. there's always some instinct in there the need for.. lets put it nicely.. 'affection' u wanna ease into kissing first.. and then the whole making out thing.. grabbing her waist.. whatever else u wanna grab i dont know.. but.. it is there. you can deny it or say im a different guy or im just harmless. but that's just bull! even looking at a girl wearing short shorts.. it's even an example. and when it's all over and done with. the guy just moves on and the girl will usually be stuck with the shame. just look at the dean and rory thing. in congo. these things are obviously on a much bigger scale and it's just so damn absolutely disgusting. it's very very sad how women are at such a huge disadvantage in situations like this. sigh i dunno whether to write on now.. coz it's just quite sad.. but a message to all girls.. remember NEVER to give in or do things with you boyfriend just coz he initiates it and you feel even obliged.. or it's fine.. we always have our own rights man.. and always listen to that little voice in your head. coz guys are animals. as nice as they are.. they are animals. i am NOT a feminist, but i know what im saying is right! coz again this is my blog and i'm always right! sigh. so.. yea i dunno.. so sad man. but we must.. be strong!!!
and guys.. dont go all good guy on me ok. im not buying it. im not saying it's your fault coz it's just the way males have been made. but yea i am saying that it sucks. and if u cant even make a conscious effort to control yourselves even in little things.. and esp rapists. you really are the scum of the earth. FREAKING SCUM OF THE FREAKIN EARTH

o yea i just wanted to add on one more thing.. it is ironical though that some girls will go all out of their way to expose their cleavage, wear extremely short shorts/skirts or just completely body hugging stuff to attract guys. i think it's just.. very sad. i mean i guess we all do have this inclination to want to attract the opposite sex in a way or at least let them see us in a good light.. but to do so many things on purpose to make create that lust.. i think it's just very sad. not that these girls are pathetic coz i guess it's just human nature.. to want attention.. and love. but it's really sad in all sense of the word. in a way it's like girls are being held in these exhibition closures.. and guys are being given a tour.. sigh. very sad ):

i just discovered something about myself. i think i may actually love writing more than i thought i did. it's a great way to express your opinions.. and free yourself somehow. even though my english is so halfway there. even though i dont use bombastic words. even if i talk about the most simple things sometimes. hurray! i just went to mel's blog and tagged her tagboard. and i saw so many mels i forgot my name was weilynn so i put mel under my name. o dear. i shall finally really end on this embarrassing note.. which im sure will not be the last.

ok since sarah said i cheated...

three female celeb crushes:
(not crushes ok.. just female celebs who.. i think i like)
1) er...
2) eh...
3) no idea
i honestly cant think or anyone man.. if u can think of a female celeb who is very natural not into the whole dress up game and kicks a lot of ass. then yea that's her. i dont think she exists though. i dunno

anyways there're two things i wanna get off my chest.. one's about guys and the other's about blogging. maybe tomorrow.
o yea one more thing.. i think jon stewart is very charming.

wow. im so honoured sarah wants me to do this. so i shall do it to amuse her and myself.

three names you go by
1) tong
2) bobby/bobette
3) lynn
(there're a whole load. but i decided not to include wei lynn.. i realised hardly anyone calls me that anymore -_-)

three screen names you have had:
1) (insert a whole line of expletives.. again)
2) .
3) the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever
amen!

three physical things you like about yourself:
1) mmmm...
2) ermmm...
3) ehhhh.. this is quite sad but i've come to the realisation.. nothing. maybe the fact that my tongue can touch my nose

three physical things you dont like about yourself:
prob everything, but let's not dwell on that :)

three parts of your heritage:
1) my very.. asian look.. complete with slits for eyes
2) my height.. or lack there of
3) my wahlaos.. and shit/crap lahs

three things that scare you:
1) that i am incapable of living out my dreams and spend the rest of my life being a dreamer and nothing more
2) terrorist attacks.. sadly
3) the thought of my grandmother not being here anymore..

three of your everyday essentials:
1) God, i realise that now.. and actually.. i cant really think of anything else..

three things you are wearing right now:
1) specs
2) tshirt which says love changi. hurhur.
3) vj shorts

three of your favourite bands/musical artists:
1) jars of clay
2) lonestar
3) lifehouse
4) i have to add a fourth! bon jovi

three of your favourite songs:
1) when love and hate collide
2) breathing
3) born to be my baby. acoustic version.

three things you want in a relationship:
1) a guy who has faith in the Lord
2) honesty, sincerity, trust ---- security
3) a very unique connection which will never fade. is that called love. i dont know. what the hell is that.
4) understanding.. because i need my space/independance.. and i hope he does too.
i dont see it happening at all

two truths and a lie (in no particular order):
1) i want to be a waitress one day
2) i love to bite my nails and they look like shit
3) i feel that world peace is achievable

three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1) a different look
2) i dont know whether this is physical.. but i cannot take a guy who gives too much of a shit about his vain outward appearance. i like it clean, casual and yet.. unique
3) built. with a look of indifference. different from (1)
if a girl tells you she doesnt go for looks at all. it's bullshit. people will always go for looks.. initially. notice this question says 'appeal'. these things will stand out at first, but maybe what matters later is a different story

three of your favourite hobbies:
1) anything to do with the outdoors although im not sure if it's a hobby.. coz i dont get to do it on a normal basis.. but definitely my biggest interest in life
2) like sarah.. talking with close friends about nothing in particular
3) cant think of anything else. give me a montain and tent and i'll be happy. im boring

three thing you want to do badly now:
1) to be a triathlete. i want to test the boundaries, but im physically shit now
2) not give a shit about society and go backpacking around the world and just live out my dreams
3) sometimes.. turn back time

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1) joining the navy
2) organising huge international camps for youth
3) backpacking around the world with stays at different places with fulfiling jobs.. then continuing my journey
4) working in a safari
5) being a like.. trail guide or something.. bring people around the outdoors and also guiding them through stuff like abseiling.. kayaking.. whatever it is
6) owning a cosy cafe.. not in singapore

three places u want to go on vacation:
1) newcastle/southampton, england
2) interlaken, switzerland
3) i dont know where else.. cos i hate being a 'tourist'. if im there wanna be there for a reason.

three things you want to do before you die:
1) backpack
2) mission work.. back to the same place..
3) just really.. give it all up to the Lord. i want to know the feeling of being burdenless.. i just dont know if it's possible
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

three kids names that you like
1) xander - i love that name
2) the rest im not sure.. it must mean something.. and be special.. we'll see :)

three ways that you are stereotypically a guy:
1) i usually take 5 mins or less to bathe
2) the only things i wear are sch uniform and shorts/tshirt
3) i take a few seconds to get ready
4) i feel awkward even saying that im a girl. i dont think it could get worse than that.
...i think im even a disgrace to a lot of guys in this way. this could be an endless list. please, save me from guy-dom

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1) i love to watch oprah
2) i actually have a very soft heart and quite a few emotions somewhere inside
3) i go to the toilet in a pair/group. no i dont understand why girls do that either.

three male (changed from female) celeb crushes:
1) johnny depp
2) ethan hawke
3) brendan fraser/joaquin phoenix/hugh jackman

three people that i would like to take the quiz now:
no one in particular. but anyone who can be completely honest.

so.. i dont know what im doing here at this time. just dont feel like sleeping.. just wrote zhen a testimonial awhile ago.. got the urge man. zhen u rock! my classmates.. friends.. are the best man. even if some of us are not that close or whatever.. but they're the most incredible people ever. i've probably said this like a million times here. so let's all yawn carry on.. haha but it's true man! it's so damn true. i think my friends are whacked jobs. most of them are. as in nuts. crazy. nah they're not wild definitely. just not very normal. that's fantastic. if u're not crazy go float in the blackhole with an encyclopedia man. nah. seriously. they're just great.

of late i've been rather amused with the peanuts jokes. i think mrs goh chok tong should be a comedian. at the boom boom room. she should follow in the steps of what's his name.. kumar! o man for a while i was thinking karthik.. KARTHIK!!! i am so sorry karthik.. i have a lot of respect for you man.. not that i dont for kumar.. well.. but they're at completely different ends of a neverending pole. i dont really wanna talk about like.. politics and like nkf stuff here which is so old news..
this is what i think of politics in other parts of the world:
(insert a whole line of expletives with some words that actually make sense)
this is what i think of politics in singapore:

yep u're right. i dont. well ok that's not entirely true. i have a lot of opinions but things are boring bland just like the white shirts these guys always wear. i think i'll just leave it at that after that gp discussion we had that day.. i actually changed my mind a little it's amazing how much your opinions can differ when u really know the big picture.. so let's just say that.. there're more to that guy.. what's his name.. durai? is that it? i almost said dudek. crazy.

i visited manda's blog just now and saw a mention on kris.. but i didnt really think much about it til when i was on friendster just now.. i saw her name on my list.. and i clicked it.. i think this is the first time since the funeral that i have really come to the realisation that kris is no longer here with us. wow. i do feel a tinge of sadness suddenly.. but weirdly a sense of peace too. i remember when i first got the msg from line. it was just so sudden. and i was so stunned. i couldnt believe it. and later cat called and things were just in a blur. it just didnt really register at all. and i thought i had the inability to feel anymore. until the second day of the wake. suddenly i just started crying crazily and for an extremely long time. i thought maybe i was just letting out a lot of unhappiness at a lot of things which had happened and were happening in my life but i think a lot of that had to do with the realisation that this person whom i had known since primary 2 wasnt here anymore. this person whom i'd gone overseas thrice with and shared so many amazing experiences with, this person who got all my stupid stupid jokes coz she just knew how damn retarded i was and we would talk endlessly about spotting sharks and fish outside our bus windows, this person whom i always looked out for coz she was so damn nice and i didnt want her to get 'taken advantage' off by others or so to speak, this person whom i really loved and treasured dearly as a friend. suddenly. just gone. if i do have any regrets.. i would be i felt i was hardly a friend to her in the last 2 years of her life. i did want to help her.. in anyway.. and be a friend.. and i was for a while.. but after a while everything just kinda faded off. one reason would be that everyone just got caught up in their lives and from time to time.. we would ask about her.. but nothing really more.. and esp after we went to jc.. kris was better then so she did go but we went separate ways. sometimes i would chat with her on line or msg her.. but things were already so different then. she just seemed in a way a different person. i wish i could have been more of a friend.. and im ashamed that i wasnt. but i think i was just worried that being a friend would only put more pressure on her. i thought maybe she would rather be left alone. how stupid. but even so.. even now.. i still think that she had who she needed around her during that period. and im just glad. when i went to her wake the first night her mum told me that kris had kept this bear with a verse that i'd given her from my old church the whole time from when she was diagnosed and she brought it everywhere with her whether she was at home.. or at the hospital and it'd just been with her every step of the way. it just made me feel so wow.. im glad i was able to do something for kris even if i wasnt there the entire time.. and i hope she never forgot me as a friend.. i used to have a hilarious pic of her and me in our guide unis at a pavement at switzerland but i gave it to her.. so i cant put it here.. but.. wow. really amazing memories. i'll talk about that another time. they were the best times of my life which i shared with the most amazing people. in a way i cannot believe that this girl who i've known for so long really isnt here anymore.. if we ever used to discuss about our future.. it still holds for me.. but no longer for her. i dont know how that sounds, but yea it is true. but during the last 2 years of her life the Lord really really blessed her with an amazing companion for the rest of the way and i think he really showed his love for her and think.. in a way.. she became a new person. even though she was sick she was renewed in the Lord. when i went to the wakes i realise that the kristin i knew was not really there anymore. here she had been replaced by a person who was even stronger.. and just had complete faith in the Lord. in a way, i felt like i did not know her anymore.. but im really glad that things turned out the way they did.. and that she was loved every step of the way. i can never forget this girl. and i just pray that her family grows stronger with each day.



i remember when we took this pic.. kris and i were feeling quite annoyed and embarrassed that we were being photographed even while brushing our teeth in the morning. but.. i'll just file that into another one of those great memories..

NOW i know why the cheerleading anthem in the last entry sounded so damn weird. it's 2, 4, 6, EIGHT.. who do we appreciate!!! yeaaa! im such a horrible cheerleader wannanotnevereverovermydeadbodybe

i always thought purgatory meant like immense suffering or something along those lines.

well it does.
but i didnt know it meant too in catholic beliefs that it is a place where souls go to to suffer for their wrong-doings in life after deathand thus in a way atone for them. and this suffering would then.. well.. kinda like make them 'pure' now after which they can go to heaven.

i dont know whether that's a little known fact or if i am just ignorant. i think it's the latter.
i dont have confidence in my grasp of the english language anymore. not because of one word, but because of everything.

yea. i am blogging coz i wanna blog but i have so much to say which cannot be said... and yet nothing at all.

i think if u looked under the words 'selfish', 'apologetic' and 'insecure' in the dictionary, u would find my picture there. (yea it's a freaking dictionary but i love to imagine) in the first, a flashing picture of myself, the second, a permanent picture, and the third, a huge pop-up picture that would probably kill u coz it's so huge it will just knock u out of your socks and into the depths of the earth. the pop-up would be seen from the moon. what the hell, it may even encompass the whole universe and be sucked into black holes but because of its enormity both ends would meet in the black hole. i could think of a lot more words but i rather not say.

sorry guys. girls. guys and girls.
................................girls. definitely girls.

it doesnt matter what happens.. or what is gonna happen.. just gotta keep my eyes on the Lord.. keep your eyes on the Lord man.. dont let them dart around.. BAM! one second and that's all it takes to screw u. not literally please. this is a clean blog.

hey check out something man! my recent posts are like.. aug 2...4...6... hurray! something something 2, 4, 6! who do we appreciate! well.. or something like that. is it a cheerleading song. if it is then... GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO whoever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! scream. clap. shout. ogle at cheerleaders (im talking about guys.... not me. please.) what a stupid notice. i think 'cheerleading' in singapore sucks. this would probably offend quite a few people. but i dont give a shit. (ok if u're a friend of mine from vj. pause and read this first. i have nothing against my great classmates who joined phoenix last year! i think u guys did an amazing amazing job and i know u guys really did it for the house and for all the fun of it. deifnitely there are people out there.. but well im not talking about vj-wise. u guys are terrific sincerely.. bing.. danielle.. sarah.. mel.. etc.. MEL!!! o man! i cant believe u did it!! it's a victory for you!! haha. well ok back to the topic..) it doesnt matter if u train for hours or do some performance at orchard. or whatever shit. a lot of people who get into this i feel just do it so o wow. i am now popular, a freaking cheerleader, and i get to wear short skirts and do splits and show off whatever i get the attention of everyone.. esp.. o my.. do i dare say this out loud.. (of course u dont that's why im doing it for u) the... (take a deep deep breath).. GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. hurray!!! it's all just another extension of how so many young singaporeans take to the american way of life blindly. they have adopted the 'cheerleading' culture so to speak.. or well trying to. it doesnt matter what anyone says. coz i know im right! im right! this is my blog! im always right! however i think things are different in america. well yea people will definitely want to get into cheerleading for the 'wrong reasons' always. actually u cant really call them wrong reasons coz they are the reasons for cheerleading.. but wow their routines are amazing. and it really isnt easy there. cheerleading a sport? i dont know whether u could go that far as to call it that.. maybe a skill. but still.. it doesnt belong to the world of the general public i feel.. but just to that specific group. i have no idea why im saying all this so im going to stop. this has to be the 5th time i've come back to edit this entry. it's the last too.

i wish i could turn back time to the start

i dont know what's gonna happen tomorrow

:(

today was quite a sad day... very demoralising actually... and im
damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. tired.
4 periods of toh tmr. hurraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! and i've gotta do some survey at 4 in some LT... faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic!!!! i feel so lucky to be chosen to do every single survey out there. it is an honour to serve my nation and the ministry of education. everytime i shade a bubble.. i feel... i feel... an immense sense of pride... stop the tears weilynn... stop your tears from flowing... indeed i am proud to give the ministry feedback on the marvellous programme that GEP is. it has helped develop in every way possible many children which have an obviously elevated intelligence as compared to mere normal human beings. the gep programme rocks my socks.

my opinions are not that great you know!!! gah. but actually.. surveys are quite fun.. i have a survey fetish. hoho. macy sent me an invitation to join gmail... i dont know what email should i use... bustydelusty@gmail.com ? for people who dont know that's the porn name a website gave me and i am immensely proud of it -___- . crap man.

mm.. after all has been said and done.. things do feel better but i still feel empty somehow.
sometimes i feel like i've lost my determination somehow.
what a contrast to the previous entry.. and in just one day!
haha.. i dont want to let go of everything great that has happened though.. i wont.

ok! it's the morning after.. and i just wanna write down what i've felt through the past 2 days.. but i dont know whether i can.. we 'll see..
this week has been an amazing week. a lot of things have happened.. or rather i felt a lot of stuff.. not just during sonicfest but it's just been so hectic and i've been coming home half-dead everyday i really really need some sleep. it's been a crazy crazy week.. potentially life-changing..

ok let's see i have no idea where to start.. before this week.. everything really was a mess. and i've never felt so helpless and alone before... i remember putting something on my blog where i usually put a verse asking God to help me coz i really am a mess. but i think quite a bit has changed since.. firstly, i think i finally may have a direction in life.. studies and career wise. it's become quite clear to me this week what is the only thing that i can do and really be happy at, with the talk.. career fair.. but suddenly some doubts came into my mind.. but im going to try to get rid of them too many times i have doubted and these doubts are what kill me.. the entire time. anyway i think God just makes everything work out, somehow. i was dead tired on wed and was thinking of not going for the talk.. and yet i did. was dead tired on thurs and was thinking of going home after school.. but i didnt. hanging out with the class and watching movies and then going for college day which was so damn hilarious was great.. really upped my morale.. was dead tired on friday and thinking of not going for sonicfest.. but i did. and im so glad i did. thank you danielle and sarah for everything!! this is an old photo i dug up i think we were on the way to GIC last year for the vid conferencing.. haha




i think the Lord really had a purpose for me coming to vjc. i've met some really amazing people here.. esp my classmates. zhen, rah, dee, meixi, bing and i had a long talk on thursday which we haven for an extremely long time since there was no more chinese and it was great. mel's birthday was this week and it was just so great to see her happy and stuff and go around with her during the career fair.. and talks.. and all. mel if u're reading this... CHOKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha ok last mention i promise :) and i've been surrounded by so many christian friends. before i came here i was really disillusioned about people. everything and everyone just seemed so superficial to me. but things have changed i guess. vj may not be ac. but these people in my life have been constantly reminding me of the presence of God.. haha even norman. what would make him come talk to me all out of a sudden! too many things which have happened this week cannot be put down to coincidence. thanks again comrade!

ok! on to sonicfest. well.. it was great. yesterday when i was talking to xue ai at PS she said something that we didnt need this kinda thing to worship God and feel him. we didnt need these kinda things to get us high on God. i do agree. but i know i needed it, and isnt it just great to worship God anytime? it doesnt matter if u're singing alone in your room or in a huge open space with a whole load of other people! and cat came along yesterday! something else which cannot be put down as a coincidence! this is a girl who just came from a horrible biomed thing and has prelims in 2 weeks and yet she felt compelled to come to sonicfest for 30 bucks. plus i havent seen her for a longtime barring very rare meet ups! my mg friend with my 2 vj friends.. who would have thought. anyway sonicflood was amazing. the whole atmosphere was crazy. everyone just seemed to be on such a high. the cynic in me just comes out here and i wonder whether some people really are or just going with the flow coz they think it's cool but anyways it doesnt matter. the music was BLASTING. ive never vibrated so much in my life. the hilarious thing is when daryl managed to locate me through the camera pointing at the crowd coz he spotted me on the screen quite a few times. haha. im at a loss of words now really. i dont know how to describe what i felt. but i'll try. i really think the Lord spoke to me and he gave me 2 nights of worship to him which i really needed. it's been too long since i went to church. it's been too long since i let the devil have a hold on me and prevented me from doing so many. many. many things. i feel like the Lord spoke to me through the songs. to me who has always doubted his presence. coz im like thomas, i need to see to believe. but christianity is about faith. the faith in a Lord that exists even though we may not be able to see him physically. and now i do know he's there. even as im typing this i know that doubts are trying to force their way back into my mind but im not going to let them this time. i know that God is there! i've felt his presence very strongly on a few occasions. the last one before this was one which saved my life literally i think but it also turned me on a path of destruction coz i lost that hold i had on his word. but im determined to make it different this time. im going to sustain this faith and not let it fade away like it usually does. what a bold thing to say... but i will do it. i know that he is much bigger than any crap that i or anyone else may be going through now... but im still trying to cast all my fears away coz i know he is there. i would like to say that my heart of cold solid stone changed overnight but i cant. it is changing i can feel it and i know i have to continue looking upon him. like cat said last night i felt very joyful. and i feel like all my panic has been replaced by a sense of peace. right now, i still am afraid.. and definitely still have some doubts. but then again who doesn? i dont know what else to say.. except im just really glad to know that God is there.