ok got home a while ago.. and i wanna blog first before i my thoughts and feelings run far far away from me.

i realised that school a really great place to be at. i think i've definitely spent the 2 most useless years of my life academic wise in jc coz i dont listen to lectures or do tutorials so everything is a complete blank but a lot of things go on outside these areas of 'learning' and to me.. that is jc. i went to school with a heavy heart this morning and came back feeling as light as a bird. well. sort of. what a stupid analogy but i am feeling a bit idiotic now.. so there.

thank you danielle for walking me to the bus stop and talking so much crap. haha crap o yea i must call SBS and congratulate them on their wonderful service of 48. i cant believe i discovered it so damn late dammit. sbs rocks. i remember mr ho said something along the lines of.. even though u wanna be 'good' u much rather stay in the 'bad' than go to the 'good'. kinda meaning like.. even though u know u're in a shitty situation and doing shit u rather be there than be this great amazing person aceing everything being the president of this and that. and the reason for that is u take comfort in the shit.. u dont dare to step out of it to be good.. coz what if u do and u realise that u arent.. and am in fact a good for nothing. i think i mentioned this before.. but anyway.. yea i think that's so damn true.. and it's exactly the situation im stuck in.. i dont dare to try to make things good for myself.. or be a better person that i know i can be.. coz im scared that when i do i'll realise that there's nothing there at all. ive been completely drained or any confidence i had left. and i am literally extremely convinced now that i am unable to accomplish a lot of things. but i shall try my best to move away from that.. i have to.. no choice.. i deserve better!! i deserve better!!

i think being around friends makes u just feel so happy. talking and everything. keeping myself isolated from the rest of society.. is just not doing myself any good. i guess im trying to protect myself.. and not wanna face things.. but at the end of the day.. i am just rotting away in this cover of protection.. i guess u've just gotta face up to everything.. face ur fears.. and before u know it things will be better.. im blogging this as a reminder.. so the next 2 weeks are probably gonna be like hell.. but i cant isolate myself forever.. thanks to my great classmates.. for just making jc life soooooooooooo tolerable and so much happier.. i had many many thoughts at the start of the year of retaining myself. crazy huh. i just felt so inadequate about everything. but the biggest factor that made me stay where i am other than the obvious realisation that i was being a complete idiot is my class (: so i was walking home happily just now listening to class 95.. which is a way better station than 98.7.. i prefer the djs and the music is so much better.. i hate the music on 987.. anyways.. and michael jackson's black and white came on.. followed by carrie underwood's inside your heaven.. haha i love the first song it's my favourite song of his.. and although i think the second is kinda cheesy.. she does have an amazing voice.. and it just lifted my spirits somehow.. for a couple of hours today i have been convinced that life is great.. and we can be really really happy.. i shall try to keep that up for the rest of the day.. although i feel myself falling asleep now.. zzzzzzzzzz...

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!!!!