i think everything that i've just wanted to say.. i've said to danielle.. thanks man u b___ shaker, b___twitcher. hahahaa. eh. dont want to paiseh you, so.. u can fill in ur own blanks (: but yea.. that's good coz i dont want to talk about it here. it's just.. not right to me personally. weird huh. but i cant explain it. for me that's just one of the things which i cannot and wont blog about.

so anyway. my mind is empty. actually no it's damn full now. i suddenly thought of the odacers in penang. sigh was kinda looking forward to that but nvm. hope things are good (: mmmm... ok man reminder to self

1) shit writing (i and b)
2) buy buy buy
3) danielle's msg. hahaa
4) 1.2.3t

ok.. today was.. mmm..

my fear level has risen to new heights.. mmm.. actually ok la.. i just wanna get over all the initial awkwardness and dying..haha and get into the routine of things.. i dunno i just dont feel like i have anything intelligent to say about this..

but... we'll see. i made a list just now before i completely conked out. there's a shitload of things to buy. right now the number stands at 26. sigh. so little time and so much to do. everything u hear seems so surreal now.

let's go man.

anyway. it was really really really great meeting up with the class that day and then going to mr. ho's house. i am sorry my level of intelligence has hit an all time low. but i really respect and like the way he brings up his kids.. they were sooo smart.. and so cute.. haha. i love my class man! really. a lot. you just couldnt ask for a better bunch of people to spend 2 years with going through shit but damn good times with. mmm.. i mean i guess everyone is like going in different directions now.. but i hope.. we wont forget la. (:

just because i dont talk about certain things.. here.. doesnt mean i dont care.
im _______ i dont meet the _____. im _______ of how ______ ________ me. and i KNOW _ ___ ____ __ but dont think _ __ ___ _______. and everyone seems to be so damn ____ .. like seriously??! it's killing me. but it's a really really good murder.. if u could put it that way.

I HATE LIVERPOOL.

i dont give a shit who supports them. and it's not coz they won us yesterday. i dont give a crap about that either.

it all started out earlier this week when rafael benitez claimed that he had gone all out to get owen but at the end of the day he couldnt get him coz the price we offered was too damn high. BULLSHIT. liverpool hardly even did shit and there was hardly even mention of anything. it was newcastle that went all out for owen. i wrote about that whole period it's somewhere in my archives and please. the amount of work shearer, souness, and freddy shephard put in to get owen to newcastle, not to mention the huge price tag and the reaction of the fans, is way more than anything liverpool had to offer. they didnt even give a shit about owen and we went all out. that's how they do it in the north, with a damn big amount of sincerity, not some bullshitting down at liverpool and then LATER coming out to say, o sure, we would want him back again. HE"S HARDLY BEEN HERE FOR LIKE WHAT A FEW MONTHS AND THEN U"RE SAYING U WANT HIM BACK ALREADY. underhanded idiot.

secondly, the match yesterday. the bowyer incident. firstly, the challenge that he made was probably at the most a yellow carded challenge. alonso of course, who is 1 of the members of the spanish team which makes up 99% of liverpool's squad flewto the ground in pain and rowed over a million times all the way until he was out of the stadium coz he was in so damn much pain. so in came crouch, all gangly, and scary and hovering and pushed bowyer backwards until he fell. and what a PUSH. not a small shove it was really with all force. and then GERRARD that damn ******* decided to poke his stupid nose in too and all THEY WERE THE ONES THAT INSTIGATED THE PANDEMONIUM that ensued. gerrard and crouch deserved a straight red. they started all the fighting and shit. for goodness sake. crouch, no one gives a shit that u're an england international. i think u're SO DAMN OVERRATED, england just needs a talking point and currently u're it, we'll see where u are in 1 year. so it has gotten to ur head that omg im a liverpool men and i can go around pushing guys like bowyer, coz he unlike me has a the reputation of a player with a shit temper and the referee will send him off not me. DAMMIT GET A LIFE!!!!!!!! and you gerrard. shit u're damn overrated too. i've always thought so. u part of the england trio of john terry and frank lampard. the untouchable trio. BULLSHIT. liverpool skipper? bullshit! what an insult the shot of gerrard with shearer. THAT IS A REAL SKIPPER FOR YOU DAMMIT. GERRARD IS SUCH A DAMN FAKE. u'll be gone. i give u slightly longer than crouch. 1 year and 1 day. sigh.

i was talking to my dad this morning and we both agreed on it.. ARROGANCE is the word. they're such a huge team u know. u know u are when u win a champions league in a match you know u dont deserve and then get a run of 8 straight wins in the premiership without letting a goal in. o wait let's make that 8 straight boring wins. that's when u know u've made it. o yea and when u play in the world club cup and have everyone saying o man! liverpool deserved to win the match! but you didnt! that's the sign of true greatness, it really really is. and it all gets to your HEAD. IDIOTS. i've always disliked liverpool coz they are just so damn hateable and are DAMN DAMN BORING. and they still are damn boring. with a liar of a manager and a fake skipper, how could u not be. o yea and when all the players are speaking different languages and cant communicate with each other. suddenly i feel damn bad and feel like i'm being extremely harsh. in a few days i prob will be like a toned down version of this but for now i dont care. the hardest thing for me to do after a newcastle loss is to go to soccernet/nufc.com/nufc.co.uk but i did today coz i wanted to see what souness had to say. and he had no excuses for newcastle's performance which i personally admit was piss poor, and neither did shearer, the only man who ALWAYS gives 100% everytime besides shay given. by the way, shay given is the BEST GOALKEEPER IN THE EPL who gives a shit about peter cech. NOBODY can match up to shay given. he's often overlooked, but who cares. we all know he's the best. i hope we win the fa cup this season. shearer needs... something before he retires and we need to keep given and of course i need to go crazy. that's the kind of team newcastle is we accept defeat with no excuses. no we do not lie like rafa or pretend to get all worked up over nothing like gerrard. we accept blame where blame is due.

if u like liverpool go ahead and bullshit me.. coz you know what... I DONT CAREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dammit. i really hate gerrard.

i changed my mind. im not gonna change my add just yet. to that. it'll remain the same for now..

i think people have a tendency.. that you know.. it is never enough to know yourself that maybe.. u have achieved something.. or u've done damn good in something.. or u are something which u think is 'great' or whatever.. or it's never enough to know that you are as you think.. great. in whatever way it is. and it's never enough to just asknowledge something.. or take it into ur stride.. without in subtle manners letting people know or getting some sympathy respectively. and it's really in subtle ways. but everyone really knows what's going on, but no one says anything. coz that's just how everything works.

they may put it across like a casual comment.. or a subtle comment in the middle of no where.. or in a rather dramatic fashion.. and the real irony is that by doing so.. u're just completely selling out you know.. you're not what you think u are.. but i guess that's just a human thing maybe. although some do it more than others. man.. will always have a need to seek the approval of others, even though no one will speak about it.

it really damn pisses u off sometimes. but if it does.. i guess at the end of the day u end up being the idiot. why the heck are u gettin pissed at something which doesnt even deserve recognition at all. let's just spend that energy elsewhere on things that really do actually matter.

ballistic. shit everything. and everyone. and everything. then cards. then sigh. dunno man.

if u're reading this and am interested and want to read more/***/whatever, i am changing my blog add to idontgiveashitaboutsoundingdeep.blogspot.com

affirmative? fantastic. if u have linked me please change ur links. if not i will contact u.. like. never. mm. i'll change it soon so whoever cares can read this first.. yea thanks man. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THANK YOU AND SORRY!!!
but yea sorry. thanks.

*** i actually put know me. what the heck was i typing!! that's just disgusting. know me through my blog. that's just disgusting. i think the way i write and everything.. if u didnt know me u would prob think im arrogant or something. but it's not true.. im very.. very different from that.. so.. why the heck am i even explaining myself!!!! arghhhhhhhhh BAHHHHHHH. bah black sheep have u any wool.

sheep: no i dont. but i have shit. a lot in fact

hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yea man. i definitely dont sound deep. that's fantastic.

one more thing. if u wanna like say something or know something.. have the balls to speak directly. u know what im saying? dont go behind and ask. dont do things on the down low. upfront. truth and honesty. that to me is so damn important. and it really makes me freaking annoyed when things are otherwise. stay out.

sigh. the previous entry seems so damn petty. haha i dont care anymore!

what a day man. what a day...
i honestly feel really really happy for them...
too tired to talk now another time.. (:

soooo.. it's christmas eve today.

for some reason i've had plenty much to say about christmas this year.. i dont mean christmas christmas.. but christmas the 'festive holiday'. and it's not been good stuff. the thing that pisses me off the most are the parties that people have i dunno where.. at orchard or clubs or whatever.. and what the heck do they do.. i dunno connect like crazy under the mistletoes.. and just get drunk drunk drunk. whatever they do. it's just so stupid.

everyone keeps saying how.. ok some people keep saying how christmas has become so commercialised and it sucks. but i guess in a very realistic sense.. it's only natural that things have evolved this way.. we being humans.. and not everybody is christian.. not everyone is going to really see the 'real meaning' of christmas. and sometimes maybe in our complaints about it we may forget too.. so i guess.. as long as you realise it urself.. you know.. and remind ur friends around you.. yea..

what the heck am i saying!!!!!!!!!! i cant cant cant express myself. i give up.

today is a good day. it's all the stupid small things which piss you off. but it's not small to me. so damn annoying. stop it already. im not stupid at all. im sick of all these conveying a message through innocent methods shit. to think that i can fall for anything. no not fall head over heels fall but be deceived fall is just incredibly stupid. everything would be alright. with the truth and upfrontness. but no! apparently. after a million times, it is still continuing.zhen if u read this ever.. i think u'll know what small little things im talking about. not worth getting myself angry over lame shit. ok. i am calm.

today is one interesting day.. next week freaking busy.. life gets very very interesting from this point forth..

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
But where there are prophecies, they will cease;
where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child,
I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;
then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 corinthians 13: 4-13

i was watching the VMAs that day.. and well.. it made me think of beloved. the reason for this is that the entire award ceremony was really dominated by hip-hop and essentially the black culture. p diddy.. puff daddy.. diddy.. whatever his name is.. was hosting the show and ok. i mean i know a lot has changed since back then but he really enveloped the whole hosting gig with the black culture. i hope i dont come off sounding racist coz i absolutely do not feel that way and it is just downright retarded and disgusting but im just.. well.. saying it as it is. there was really hardly a place for rock or pop or anything else and hip-hop really really dominated the night. and the thing which i found interesting was when they cast the camera on the crowd or the poeple in the what do u call that.. yea mosh pit you see all these white teenagers completely lapping it up. it really seemed to me like the blacks were in control of the whites. in a sense. i realised that it sounds like im completely distinguishing the two races.. but im not. im just saying. like you know. it's the same as saying chinese and malays and indians. everyone is the same, it's fantastic [i think one of the reasons my 2 years in vj will be so memorable was because of the chance i got to mix with all the different races and im extremely extremely glad for that :) esp with such diversity in my class! yay]

i only thought about this because i was thinking of it in relation to beloved. i wasnt sure whether i wanted to write about this.. coz it's such a damn sensitive issue but i dont even know why i wasn sure coz im not even saying anything wrong at all! yea and i know that sounded like i was trying to convince myself.. but seriously! my goodness. anyway when i was watching the VMAs i realised that things just really really have come a long way from how they used to be during the beloved era when the blacks were slaves and treated like animals and all... it's amazing how society evolves. i mean i know it's not like that in all parts of america and racism still exists largely in many areas but still. a lot has changed.

sigh. i hope this doesnt sound offending. hmmm.. but anyway i was watching oprah yesterday and she was interviewing this guy who came on the show in 1987 and used the derogatory term against blacks. and he was trying to explain to her why he'd used it and she just completely didnt buy into it and of course the audience stood on her side. and you know.. i dont know whether anyone else felt the same.. i mean everyone would go along with oprah obviously coz she's THE woman or whatever, but i kinda could see where the guy was coming from. ok. he was wrong to use that term against the blacks, but that was 18 years ago, and he was explaining where he came from. he only responded in the way he did because the blacks that he saw in his area were well.. i dont exactly know how to explain this.. maybe behaving in a very unbecoming manner which of course did make him feel threatened and angry. imagine urself only knowing ur 'species' existing and suddenly there is an 'invasion' and these people are not very well behaved either. it's probably just unfortunate that those were the blacks that he saw. there are good and bad people in every race. that's what i mean. and he just formed his opinions from there. i see where oprah is coming from too in that she is black herself and i mean obviously extremely against any form of racism. but i just felt that her mind was so closed to the fact that you know.. any dislike for blacks is wrong.. any dislike for blacks is wrong.. that she just maybe subconsciously disregarded anything the man was saying and eventually obviously he was reduced to uncomfortable half smiles. i just always think that there are... two sides to the story. obvoiusly the ku klux klan is shit and just. shit. and then just shit. but defense against black people and racism has to understand the reason that came about in the first place SOMETIMES is the fault of the blacks themselves.. but then again.. but then again.. there are so many then agains. sigh. this is killing my mind i shall stop. ok whatever it is. racism of course STINKS.

i really mean it when i say that one thing that i like about Singapore is it's so multi cultural.. AND MAJORITY of everyone just gets along so damn well! a while ago i went somewhere to eat and my dad was in front of me and he gave way to this indian woman to walk ahead first and she smiled at my dad and thanked him and he smiled back. you know it's small things like that which just make u feel so good. so. hurray!

im so honoured. after 2 years. and we've only spoken once on the phone, and maybe twice online. and yet.. just very thankful. im glad that i can be a part of it in some way.. and despite all the __________ over some things so far.. yea. im glad. i pray everything goes smoothly.. during and after.. :)

hahaa.. some things will never change. but it's ok. as long as we make peace, not war. a deceptive peace, but still peace. it's really interesting

sigh. i've already done my best not to.. jump to conclusions. which i havent but it seems like i have. but i haven. i hope it doesnt come right back and stab me in the back. please come soon.

so i saw this quiz on alicia's blog.. and decided to do it.. i dunno why.. i remember the days when we were younger and everyone will send these fwded quizzes around.. haha it's like boliao but fun.. and if u think it's totally boliao.. well. screw you. we dont have to act like the extremely matured and grown up people we obviously are not all the time.

*the last movie you watched? - king kong
*the last tv show you watched? - that's so raven on nickelodeon.. haha
*the last song you heard? - wow. that's tough. have no idea. i dont exactly have an mp3/radio and am a techno idiot. no cash.
*the last thing you bought? - fillet o' fish
*the last place you went? - kap then btp
*the last thing you heard from your parents? - this house is so poor you know.. and yet wanna act like so rich.
*the last thing you said to one of your friends? - bye! have fun!
*the last person you called? - li feng
*the last person who called you? - mm.. pong. im not really a phone person anyways. im more face to face.
*the last person who said good night last night? - no one really says good night around here unless i induce it out of my sister by being freaking spastic.
*the last person who messaged you in friendster? - some nufc fan yonghui guy but i cant open it anyway
*the last person you hugged? - seriously. i have no idea. i am not a hugger at all. maybe waijia at prom
*believe that love is forever? - dunno. dun really give a shit now
*get hurt by people easily? - depends.. actually i think so.. yea
*sing in the shower? - ha.
*like to splash puddles when it rains? - of course
*notice when people have pretty eyes? - of course. too bad mine are non existent. seriously :(
*tend not to worry, even when you know something bad is about to happen? - no
*Can you be anyone you want to be? - YES YOU DAMN RIGHT CAN.
*Do mean people make you sad? - well.. pissed and sad. sad for them. honestly.
*If you see a cute boy/girl walk down the street, do u tell him/her she's/he's cute? - no. never will. that's just kinda superficial.. and besides i dont like good looking people initially. yea im an idiot.
*Have you ever cried at a movie? - of course. but i always try my darnest to suck them back in.

*Is it cute when old people are holding hands? - yea. haha i am an old people person
*Are you a happy person? - this is a very different question from are u happy. no im not a happy person. am not trying to be angst ridden here or something. but it's true. it's a personality thing
*Have you ever laughed so hard your stomach hurt? - yea. not often. it takes a lot to humour me to that extent coz i have a weird sense of humour.
*Are you slightly lazy? - im the ULTIMATE sloth. sucks.
*If you have twenty dollars, are you rich? - yea in my world definitely

** your ideal boyfriend **
1. need to be in the same sch? no
2. when he goes out, want him to ask u out too? no. we should all have our own space and time with other people in our lives.
3. ah beng or guai kia? some guai kias are really nice people. but please. none of the above esp ah bengs.
4. got tattoos? well not like the tattoo crazy kind if u have 1/2 small ones which have some meaning maybe. but preferably not
5. stay near u? doesnt matter. but preferably not.. it's all about space
6. he cares everything about u? what the hell does this question mean. he cares everything about u. i cant figure that out. care definitely. but not to the extent of bugging u about everything. he needs to trust that i am independent and can take care of myself.
7. jealous % high or low? well. definitely NOT high.
8. taller or shorter than you? taller. and i am obviously not asking for much
9. rich or normal? i honestly dont really care. i would have thought normal coz i think we would have more similar values, but that's a wrong way of looking at things. people are all different regardless of whether u have money or not.
10. with stylo hair or normal? i hate stylo unless it's naturally stylo. simple and clean cut will do.
11. dyed hair or normal color? normal PLEASE. i am quite against dying ur hair.
12. playful or serious? both at the right times
13. popular among others? haha. i said this before. a unique attraction. different. someone who.. is not part of the 'popular gang'.. )(*#($^&$.. but has this unique attraction and u can only see the person inside when u know him well.. and i think im getting too far ahead of myself..
14. a flirt or faithful boy? faithful. i HATE flirts.
15. cleverer den u? crap. tough question. mmm.. we should have the same level of intellect at least i guess.. it's not the smarts man it seriously affects how u connect as two individuals.
16. mature or childish boy? matured definitely. but of course go ahead have fun and be childish. as long as u have a good head on ur shoulders.
18. a punk kid,a rocker,or a hipper? hahaa. u cant really judge by titles. it depends what the person's like
19. bring u home to meet his parents? when.. we're sure. i was gonna say if it's serious but im not gonna get into anything if im not sure
20. sms u all the time? no. it's all about space. sms as and when we want. i mean as long as we know it doesnt matter. u know. sigh i dunno how to say. but yea
21. understanding? yes. please.
22. many ex-flames or little ex-flames? little.. but u may be a changed person. so.. yea. i dunno.
23. sporty? yea. hopefully someone who loves the outdoors. i dont just mean sports.
24. smoker or non-smoker? non-smoker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

another one! i just feel like doing and it's not a crime.

full name: t--- wei lynn
birthday: 20 nov 1987
age: 18
born: gleneagles hospital
hometown: singapore
what are you afraid of? a lot of things.. my faith in God.. my future.. not being able to be the person i wanna be.. and of course losing.. well.. my family. especially my grandma.. i cant believe i just said that coz it's so extremely uncomfortable talking about this kinda stuff
when is your bedtime? 3 + is the norm. and i hate it. i am going to change.
do you wear contacts or glasses? glasses when i need to see the board or watch tv etc. i'll never wear it all the time. i like my world blurry.
embarrassing moment: i do it so much and just cringe like hell when i relive them over and over again.
person in ur family: seriously. i have no idea what this means.
career: honestly. i wanna be an international camp organiser. just like eurolife. and influence the lives of youths just like mine has been for the better. anything to do with the outdoors.. and of benefit to others.
sprite or 7-up? no answer
when was your last hospital visit: no comments.
loved somebody so much it made you cry? i am very very uncomfortable with the word love. i cant answer this. but yea i do love newcastle a lot and they have definitely made me cry.
smoked? no. never say never but i NEVER will
broken the law? of course. dumb stuff like jaywalking
ran away from home? yea. stupid incident best left in the past.
skinny dipped? no. i havent worn a swimming costume for years. skinny dipping is way out of the question.
played strip poker? no
played truth and dare? yea
mooned someone? no
been in a physical fight? when we were younger.. many many times with my brother. not the i pinch u scratch kind. seriously physical we'll BOTH end up bleeding, cut and sore all over. sigh. i think i was raised a boy.
Been in a car accident? yea. on the way to church. the door beside me was completely ripped off.
Been to Africa? no
been in love? i am in love with my team and the city of newcastle. other than that.. i would say no. i think love is too strong a word that many.. misuse wrongly and misunderstand.
rode in a police car? no
been on a plane? yea
came close to dying? yea. twice.
been in a sauna? no
been in a hot tub? no
sawn in the ocean? no

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT***
Abortion? was just talking to hazel bout this just now. i think it's wrong... have a lot of views but dont wanna go into a lengthy discussion. but.. you should never kill a life.
Classical music? some's nice.
Airplanes? exciting. nice. boring. scary.
Amusement parks? im a damn big loser. the viking already scares the shit out of me. shall not answer this.

***WHAT IS***
your bedroom like? very small. shared with my sister. extremely extremely extremely messy. hardly any space to walk. but in the mess.. there're a lot of memories of the best times of my life..
your good luck charm? i dont believe in crap
your secret crush? no comments. crushes.. eventually amount to nothing.
your most prized possession? my eurolife stuff, flame stuff.. like i said, stuff from the best times of my life..
your favourite holiday? no comments
your Favourite day of the week: dunno.
your Favourite word or phrase: honestly. seriously. man. i dunno, im a very common word/phrase person.
yourFavourite Toothpaste: dunno. dont use anything other than colgate.
your Favourite flower? im definitely not a flower person.. so i dont have one. but fresh roses from the swiss roadside.. amazing.
your Favourite Drink? none
your Favourite sesame street character? such a huge part of my childhood but i seriously cant remember.. maybe oscar and his worm, or the count. actually they're all hilarious and just great.. snuffle upagus!!
your Favourite Fast Food Restaurant? tough. none really. but prob kfc maybe. nice chicks.
your Favourite alltime TV show? alltime? crap that's such a PHWOAR statement. mm i'll prob say.. guy meets world and freaks and geeks
your Favourite Music? bon jovi, lonestar
your Favourite dinner? i'll eat it as long as u put it in front of me.
your Favourite vegetable: i'll eat it as long as u put it in front of me. but i kinda have a thing for oyster sauce xiao bai cai
your Favourite meat: i'll eat it as long as u put it in front of me.
your Favourite candy: dont like sweets. but if i had to choose prob something with coke flavour.
your Favourite talkshow: oprah :) i wish they showed jay leno etc here though..
your Favourite place to visit: i dont go overseas except for camps.. but.. NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE ENGLAND PLEASE! or a return to britannia park.. or swit.. and even southampton..
your Favourite number: nine
Favourite animal: prob dogs. i love all animals. pigs are great too. hairy the pig.
your Favourite brand of shoes: this question and me. we have no link.
your Favourite perfume/cologne: this question and me. we have no link.
your Colour of your bedroom carpet: no carpet
most annoying thing? A LOT OF THINGS. let's not get started.

***ARE YOU A***
good student? i really suck
good dancer? the WORST.
good storyteller? no. i am long winded and stumble over my words. a lot. sadly.

******ANY******
stitches? no
bloody nose? yea
cancer? hopefully not
surgery? no
someone besides your family say they love you? yea. my friends. sometimes.

***DO YOU***
wet the bed? no
collect anything? yea
like to sing? secret.
like to shop? NO
like to party? party? meaning like party party? no. i am not a party person.
eat a life hamster for a million bucks? no. what a shitty way of earning money. that money is worthless.
go to a hanson concert if u had a free ticket? no. i'd give it to my pri sch best friend :)
had anything pierced? ears
kill someone you didnt know for fifteen billion dollars? never
anyone offered you a small part in a movie would u accept? depends. this is weird but i think i actually can be a good actor if i want to. hmm.
how long was your longest relationship? 10 years and still going strong. i love you... newcastle united.
what are your nicknames? jaundice.. rubbish leg.. tong.. and the list goes on..
who is the Last person you went out to dinner/Lunch with? manda
What do you do most often when you are bored? no comment
Name the person that you are friends with that lives the furthest away: my friends overseas.. prob england..
What music you are listening to right this second: nothing

nice pic :)

it's because of __ ____ __ __________ that ___ so _______ and _______. _ need to do something.. _ can do this.

someone get those stupid girls out of the newpaper. i dont give a crap if u're a miss chinatown singapore, best body or miss chinatown singapore, most fit or whatever. i am so sick of seeing these women wearing football jerseys which they do not do justice to at all by knotting them up at the waist or rolling up the sleeves or lifting them up suggestively. firstly u all look like damn idiots. secondly it's a complete disgrace to football and thirdly you dont know SHIT about the teams of the jerseys you're wearing. dont give such stupid remarks which obviously show maybe u did some internet research and found out what how many times a team has won a world cup or something.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. it's just so sickening! i have tahaned this for too damn long. i dont give a crap what guys think, it's an absolute disgrace to football. ok a few of them actually seem to have some brains and arent so bad. but the rest. i just cant even think of anything to say to justify my disgust and annoyance. SICK. really shit. why are people so damn stupid and bimbotic. i dont care if im being judgemental coz im just so sick of it!!!! idiots.

when u eat a mcflurry dont make it stand too long the ice cream dissolves into bubbles and liquid. like water liquid. it's disgusting.

i am in quite a pissified mood. i am already so damn ____ and ________ . and yet __ _______ all expect me to ____ ____ __ __________ the entire time. yes i am ___________, but i think i am too ____ for my own good. sigh. ____ probably dont mean it consciously.. but still.. please give me a break :( but the thing is im such a _____________ that i actually have to do it, i cant not do it, i need to ____ ______ it's just the way i am! so i guess i am being an idiot now!!! ahhh!! i am so 2-faced!!! but not!! if i was i wont be saying this now!! ahhhhh!!! sigh. ok. i have softened. and am no longer pissified. still ________.. but not so much annoyed.. i still ____ ____.. :)

there are somethings.. which u just cant talk about here.. or you know? u just cant talk about. not the above. but some things.

one more thing.. in a last note of desperation.. does anyone wanna go to penang? it's the best place in the world. great weather, fantastic food, and the most amazing beaches. i have a grassland express ticket up for grabs! to and from penang! leaving at 9 pm 27th and coming back on 31st morning. grassland buses offer the best comfort ever, yes, way better than any titanic or queen mary could provide. you can go there and do whatever crap you want like eat chendol for 3 days non stop or roast urself on the sand and then come back. be spontaneous! anyone interested. u can get it for 80 small bucks if u want even smaller bucks i can give u a damn good offer. first come first serve so email me quick. im sure everyone is scrambling to open their inboxes to email me first now!!!! so quick! u dont wanna be the last one! spank u very much. it's a positive expression which means thank you if u do email me. if not then take it literally. not in a kinky way. but yea. sighhh.

ok.. am super tired again. haha sigh..

today was a.. very interesting day. i am.. rather numb. there was a crapload of stuff i wanted to talk about yesterday.. but im too tired to now and just.. not feeling the same. so the past shall just be the past..

you should never allow urself to dehydrate.. well not on purpose i mean.. then suddenly drink a crapload of water coz it screws up ur system so much u feel like shit.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i dunnoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! am feeling very out of body now..

ok.. im back from camp.. was super super super tired. have slept a total of about.. 7 hours in the past 2 tiring days. o man.. i have been thinking about super super super a lot of things too.. but i dont really feel in any position.. and dont wanna talk about it now.. and it might not even matter.. for now.. i dunno we'll see again in well.. a few days time maybe..

anyways. ok i had NO IDEA people actually signed my guestbook. haha thanks man lynn, sarah and mel :) hey lynn yea see you soon! it's quite exciting. hahaa. hope it'll be a good trip. mmm.. however who is '.' . i hate mysteries. just like sarah always tries to 'withhold' information after letting on a bit. i will why her til she passes out or something. so.. who ARE you '.'? are u just too lazy to type ur name.. or dont want me to know ur identity.. or.. are on bad terms with me.. hurrrrr.. who are you! reply me! or email me at becks_sux@hotmail.com and let me know!! hahaa im sorry. im crazy. sigh. it's either.. mmmm.. or huh... or some _____ .

anyways dee i agree with what you said.. it's very weird.. that's why i dunno too whether to keep this up a lot of the time..

ok. i shall respond to mel's tag thingy :

Rules of the game:1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

1) when i was in switzerland camping i woke up one morning and put on my shoes.. and felt something extremely cold and gooey.. it turned out to be a BIG FAT SLUG which i unknowingly squashed to death. and til this day. the experience has left me traumatised. we have to do something about slugs. they are just too damn disgusting.. innocent.. but disgusting.
2) i think i have a big problem with people skills.. and it's too late to chage now. many times i have been unable to convey what i feel about a person towards a person and if it has given the wrong impression.. or developed 'enemies'.. sad la.
3) i feel.. and am apologetic a lot
4) i used to purposely read the sports section of the newpaper and straits times everyday so that i could cut out all articles on newcastle and i kept them in photo albums.. i have 4 of those now.. all the good and bad.. i did this for a few years but stopped because the bad just became too much to take.. i do take them out and look through them occassionally.. and it may seem weird to people.. but i feel a lot of pride. i have a lot of love for my team.
5) i am extremely protective of my sister.. if you harm her. i will hunt u down. and shoot you. with a water pistol. and then call the cops. but i will give u the trashing you deserve. actually same for my brother.. but obviously he can take care of himself. and i think they'll never know this. this is getting too mushy. i am going to stop now before it gets weirder.

ok i dont know why.. writing that has made me feel quite sad.. for some weird reason.. i think i had more to say.. but dont want to anymore.. the next few days.. are going to be.. well.. _____ .. for some reason.. sigh. we'll see la.. we'll see.. o yea and since who mel tagged are essentially majority of the small blog circle i have here.. i shall not pass on the tag. haha it ends here. i apologise to all the grieve i have caused to the various taggers. but thank you... thank you for ur 10 minutes of entertainment. we salute you.

i wanna talk about..

1) given
2) some idiot
3) something elseeeeeeeeeeeeee. can't remember. argh

but no time now. have to do something. really really important. and damn scared for tmr. actually not really. but am because i really want this. well.. at least i think i do. a lot of doubts have floated in but be gone doubts!!!! if u never try u'll never know right. if it's wrong.. then just get out of it. but also not really scared coz i well.. i think i know who i am. sooo.. arghhhhh i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwww....

im actually looking forward to going back to my guides camp tmr. hahaa it was quite fun going down today. jane cooked the green bean soup with a whole packet of sugar and when i drank it i just felt like ants were biting into my teeth. no wonder there were girls standing at the water cooler talking about dilution..
i realised that the saw and me.. we are great friends! hurrrr... i am actually not bad at sawing! hahaa i cant even remember the last time i did it.. o yea right at the last mg guide camp -_-. but the axe and me.. we might need to undergo some counselling. i was trying to chop the wood today and eh. for some reason which i would like to think is the wood's fault coz it's never happened i just couldnt! and instead i ended up chopping my hand. i am holding out on the hope that we can still work on the perfect marriage that was :(

ok man. shall update like on wednesday.. for some reason there's just so much to say now adays.. so much to say!!! i just cant keep my mouth shut.. or actually i can.. rather my fingers just cant stop typing.. hey man! i think i type pretty fast! do i! do i! haa! so fun! ok ive been bullshitting enough about my 'abilities' i cant believe it. im never like this. BLAH. ok bye.

ok. im really tired of this. maybe it's just my problem but i dont care. if u have something to say to me, either say it to my face or dont try to convey it at all. coz it's damn annoying... in any other way. and dont pretend/try to understand or like. coz u never will. u're just being damn annoying and making it even harder for me to not _____ ___. argh. sigh.

ooooo.. they're talking about mig ayessa's performance on rockstar inxs when he sang baby i love your way.. on nickelodeon of all channels for some weird reason. but o man. when i saw it last time.. i almost died. it was such an amazing rendition. and mig is the kinda person who has that x-factor. sigh. very nice. it actually made dave navarro look like he was gonna dissolve in a pile of tears. mmm. but. really. very touching. very nice. ok i sound like such a groupie.

anyway. so newcastle beat arsenal 1-0. im not really gonna yay coz yay-ing gets qutie tiring after sometime. but still... im extremely proud of the performance. for some reason i am always rooting for arsenal in their matches and i like wenger. even though he says the stupidest things sometimes. but seriously no one can compete with chelski's boss for that. he is the king of stupid.

but i think wenger must have been watching the wrong match. he is seriously disillusioned.

Wenger also felt referee Dermot Gallagher did not protect Arsenal from Newcastle's physical approach.
'I think it's very difficult to take the way we lost the game,' he added. 'We were the better team in the second half, they decided to go more physical and the referee allowed more fouls, sent a player off and I don't know why.
'We played well and I just believe we were not protected - every challenge in the air was a foul. We know Alan Shearer can do that in this country.
'The rules are the rules and the referee needs to make them respected.
'It's difficult 10 against 11, we were unfortunate with the goal and the team did battle well and I can congratulate my team with the way they played.'

please man arsene. he should have been trying to save all the dignity he has left but he chose to deliver a crapload of lies instead. he should have said somethings along the lines of acknowledgement of newcastle's display which had more heart than anything arsenal could come up with. he should have acknowledged that jens lehmann is not only a big baby, a kaypo queen (he is the ULTIMATE) but also an aspiring dentist. there's no way lehmann could have not moved out of the way when scott parker came charging in. seriously. and scott parker is fantastic. he's been since the day he came here and even when the team has been giving below par performances he's never let down with his performances. he got his tooth knocked out. and suffered a concussion later on and only then did he come off. which brings me to my next point...

better team? im sorry but just.. screw off man. maybe in the first half yes. but overall. give me a break.

WE WERE NOT PROTECTED!!!!! come on man! this is the english premier league. you know the thing that i feel sets the epl apart from other leagues is just.. well.. i dont know how to put this without sounding corny but the way that the teams play with a lot of heart. it's just the typical english bulldog spirit. when u play good the physical side naturally comes in the way. it's just part of the game and you've just gotta be game enough and brave to face it. and to say that arsenal were not protected, it just makes the whole arsenal team sound like a bunch of big fat babies. foreign players in the epl always have had this tendency to be thought off as being more whiny. and seriously. not protected. i dont even know what to say anymore. apparently he expects the referee to be a professional babysitter too. i dont think newcastle were 'protected' either with one of our players almost being killed off. but i dont hear any complaint's. it's all part and parcel of football. there were no dirty tackles, illegal tackles from newcastle. so just get on with it man.

WE KNOW ALAN SHEARER CAN DO THAT IN THE COUNTRY!??!!! o man. give me a freaking break. everyone knows what shearer can do. physically. he's NOT a big guy (i'll talk about that later. i just love talking about newcastle. i dont give a shit if nobody listens coz i can read back on this entry and go all tingly inside coz i really love this team. hurhurrrr) he's only 5ft10 or 5ft11.. but yet he holds his own so damn well against defenders. that is called HEART which wenger obviously has no concept of. he does not back down from any challenges and is involved in the game physically, but not illegally, coz he just.. encompasses the english spirit man, to just tough it out. he's always been like that, and when he does foul, he gets punished by the referee, and unfairly too sometimes. shearer does get punished. but if just going all out for ur team is wrong and taking every single challenge when it comes and being a physical threat and no push over to scare the arsenal players to peeing in their pants is wrong then YES. ALAN SHEARER CAN DO THAT IN THE COUNTRY.

to say they were unfortunate with the goal and battled well. firstly. there was no 'fortune' involved. typically shearer managed to hold the ball off from some arse jokers and deliver a damn freaking good pass to solano who slotted it in with no mistake. there was no fortune involved. we deserved it, it was a great goal and we just got what we deserved. battled well? ok maybe. maybe not. but we BATTLED WAY BETTER. by whining that his team battled well and didnt win, i think wenger is acknowledging this fact too.

here is what souness had to say:
"I doubt if we could field an eleven that could fight anymore. scott parker and amady faye, and the grumpy old man up front, epitomised that.
I think Alan plays in a manly fashion that is great to see. it's extremely effective. He's not the biggest man in teh world but i doubt there's anyone with a bigger heart. he's facing his own goal 95 percent of the time, playing against men much bigger and much younger than him, but he plays like a true man."

self explanatory. really. it's not based on no grounds that i have so much respect for shearer. he may not be the most popular player in the epl (probably because of this) but who gives a shit. he's plays his heart out each and everytime for newcastle, and just gives 200%. apparently he is very defensive of his team too to the media when they talk too much shit about newcastle. i really wonder what the last game of the season will be like.. an a newcastle without shearer.. it's just hard to imagine.. paul masefield put if perfectly last night. when john dykes asked him about the match he said for him shearer was the main man. he controlled the game, controlled the referee and controlled the arsenal players. i honestly think that shearer.. is the last of his generation who can play the game like he does. i admit he's not the best footballer in the world. the tide has changed. all the ronaldinhos are in favour. and i admit he's past his prime. but the heart and experience he brings onto the field each and everytime is unmatchable. when people insult shearer. and they mean it. to my face. i just cant help but get pissed off seriously. coz he deserves no shit.

at the end of the day.. it's was a great performance not just talking bout the way they played but how each player gave everything he got. the defence was amazing. i have NEVER seen such good displays ever. i mean yea they still leave u standing on eggshells the entire time. but boumsong and bramble actually put in decent performances. i hope they keep this up man. as for ramage im just so grateful for his presence and emergence into the squad. he's young, he's english.. (i think he should be!) and it's always fantastic to have young english players around. i've always liked elliot. he's a geordie and he gives 200% all the time even though he may not be the best player and he did a job yesterday. a good one at that.. scott parker.. what more is there to say. amady faye was not bad too.. surprisingly. i always felt like he was just there to make up the numbers. solano seemed kinda off last night but great goal. im just so glad he's back. he's just got black and white blood man. seriously. he cant play anywhere other than here. AMEOBA. my goodness. he deserves all the praise. i have always felt so bad for insulting him coz he seems like a nice guy (esp on the footballers cribs eps) but he's just so.. gangly that he can produce some brilliant skill suddenly and then lose the ball so damn easily. i think losing the ball will always be part of his game honestly but last night he defended well, stole the ball from arsenal several times and gave many glimpses of what he can really do with the ball. so all credit to him. i guess a lot of criticism has been directed at him over the years.. i dont know whether to use the word unfairly.. but he's taken it like a MAN. owen didnt seem to be match fit yet. but.. im extremely glad he's at newcastle. he's like the torch bearer after shearer leaves. and he's the kinda player who can not do much the whole time but if u give him a chance he's gonna score. shearer. nothing i say will ever do justice.

i think i sound like im obssessed. but im not. i just love the team. like crazy. have been like this for 10 years and long may it continue!! my love affair with newcastle united. sigh. i dont think there's anything or anyone out there which makes me more happy. in a way that sounds kinda sad but i dont give a shit. it's not sad. it just makes me feel damn freaking good.

am extremely worried for the __________.
i think if there's one thing i've always been well... maybe the saving grace of character has been.. that i have strong opinions on things.. and what i believe in i really believe in.. but i realised that.. if u ask me a very direct question.. so what do you believe in.. like stupid examples or something or if just ask.. very.. realistic questions. i will be stunned. and have no reply. i dont think i can do well for __________ coz.. i just cant give u what u're looking for.. quite sad. but i feel like.. my character has no foundation. or basis. and just full of empty talk.. which i feel like it's not.. but it kinda seems like it is.. sigh. i dunno.

a few years back i failed an ________, which i didnt think i said anything wrong.. but perhaps.. i never did say anything right. what they wanted to hear.. and the thing is that was something i felt i ________. sigh. dunno man. argh grrr. irritating. i ____ in the academic aspect.. and the _________ aspect.. makes me wonder what.. if anything.. im ____ __.

you know what??? i shall pray :)

i realise that my last post made me sound homosexual. but i am NOT. i am as straight as a freaking strand of rebonded hair. and i dont even wanna start to touch the topic of homosexuality. it's so damn touchy. not going there. goodbye.

reminder to self
1) sab 1
2) sab 2
3) send score
4) fill in for 5
5) financial thingy

procrastination.. is the mother of all evil.. actually it isnt.. i know what the mother is.. i think. procrastination is the baby. but it's freaking evil too.

i was putting some pepper into my food just now and taking the bottle cap off some soya sauce thing. and for some weird reason. i suddenly felt very.. normal. not that im saying i am abnormal. coz if u say u are abnormal u are seriously NOT! the word normal is.. warped actually. coz everyone is just like.. everyone. and we are human so we are all the same.. u know what i mean! blah but anyway that's not what i was trying to say.. i mean.. i suddenly felt so empowered! like.. I CAN TAKE OFF THE SOYA SAUCE BOTTLE TOP!!!! i just felt so normal. and i dunno man. am definitely crazy but it was a nice moment.

anyways saying that reminds me of something.. ("bae yong jun" just signed in. hurhurhur. honestly i just dont understand all the craze over this byj guy. everyone is dying over how good looking he is. but please. he looks like some ordinary uncle or something. i realise that if i say i cant stand someone it's just stupid coz i dont even know him personally. so i'll just say i dont understand the craze, but he may be a nice person for all it's worth.. anyway WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT A BYJ!) yea ok.. some stuff which happened recently.. i honestly cannot remember what.. and reading a million little pieces.. i mean this is like a hardcore addict. but in some ways.. actually in a lot of ways u can identify with his feelings. EVEN THOUGH i am apparently allergic to alcohol (quite pathetic huh. im like such a dork! but i love being one!).. EVEN THOUGH i have never taken drugs.. and am never going to.. i know u can never say never.. but please! snorting cocaine! i rather eat shit. or maybe not. but yea.. the underlying emotions.. it's the same thing.. i dont know how to explain it.. coz everything he felt.. he unfortunately manifested it in alcohol and drugs.. which got him hooked and stuff.. but the underlying emotions are the same u know? and im sure everyone has got them.. but obviously in different ways.. it kinda depends on ur character.. and seriously.. intelligence.. i dont mean brain intelligence.. i kinda mean.. streetsmart-ness.. can i put it that way? and emotional intelligence.. i think it's so easy to let urself slide into something.. it's just a very thin line u have to cross and after that.. it's so different to return to the other side.. even stuff like u know.. homosexuality.. there's a very fine line between admiration of a person of the same sex and crossing over to developing feelings for someone. so well.. that's that. and it's quite sad la. i dunno.

whoa. apparently if bird flu crosses into singapore.. 1/4 of people will die. that's serious man. even though i sound like such a clueless jock somehow in reporting this news. but really. my language is too casual!!! no one will take me seriously! but like i give a ____. sigh. i dunno whether i should cut down on shit. i mean it's like so nothing! but yet it peppers my speech so much it sounds horribly just.. awful to me. argh.

i realised one of my terrible points is how much.. i insult people. no, not the behind the back this person sucks shit and stuff.. coz im not a freaking retard. but i mean.. how i casually just say this person sucks and blah.. like people in the limelight.. coz i really cant take all this.. stupid fakeness. but i dont know them personally so i realise i should just shut my gap. it's not that i think im any greater. i mean i could be the biggest crap of all. but im just saying.. i shall try to.. think before i speak and just give people more respect.. whether they deserve it or not is none of my business.

o man. i sound so terrible. but im quite a nice person i think. really.. but noooooo!! but yesssssssssss.

i hate the things i write i dont know why.. hahahaaa! im nuts. bye.

there's so much to do. it's crazy. and dont even know why im bothering. cos it's all screwed already. but still. shit.
and im so DAMN IRRITATED with reading stuff about everyone thinking they are this this this individual. arghhhhhh. then again imjust annoying my own self! that stupid nine o clock dancing show is on now and i just have to let out my frustrations at WHAT A JOKE IT IS!!!! so many things are a joke! and it's so funny! to the point that it's not man. argh blah sigh gr.

you know i think.. or rather there was a period of time i thought religon was the only answer to all this.. worldly unhappiness that we face. everynight at the end of the day when u go back to ur bed.. and u're with urself.. as 'great' as the day has been.. u feel so empty. and that emptiness is because.. there is no God in ur life. i cant remember if someone told me that.. or it's something i made up in my brain. i realise that my ramblings a few days ago after reading frey's book.. were very rash. most of my friends are Christians.. and they have strong belief in their faith.. however sometimes when u see doubts when someone says something.. or acts someway.. and it's totally against how things are supposed to be (they usually dont realise) it's like hmmmm... somehow these days i feel like.. a sense of.. aversion to praying... i dunno why. argh. and when i always do there are two thoughts in my head - am i praying to the wall - am i doing this only because it's the 'right' thing???

AM i just being damn FREAKING honest or do i have a problem which all other christians do not have? ok i think i am being damn freaking blunt. but is everyone else being honest too or do they really feel differently. help! but dont help! but im just like saying man! i cant wait for christmas to come.. the atmosphere.. the mood.. if you are indeed there God. i hope u renew my heart. again. and make it stay that way.

i think night sucks. i hate it. especially the last bit before u fall asleep.. coz it's at that time that.. it's kinda just you and yourself. i HATE writing stuff like that. but i just want to dammit! argh.
during the day.. u have shit to distract urself with.. and the knowledge that u can turn a shit day around to a good one coz the end of the day hasnt been reached yet. but by the time u're on ur bed u know u've just screwed yet another day and it's the time when u have to come face to face with yourself.. about.. whatever shit is bothering u or whatever it is.. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. crap.

it's at times like that. that u realised how well.. much we're grown up. not grown up as in we're all so damn matured coz that is so far from the truth.. but in that everyone is so different from a few years back.. and what someone has grown into may be.. and usually is different from how the person thinks about him or herself.. argh.

on another note.. i was thinking about the ritz and i wonder if the windows are those kind that u can see out from inside but they're black from the outside.. so even if u're using the bathtub and standing naked in that damn open bathroom which is seriously traumatising whether anyone can see u from outside.. what a horrible thought! sigh. i am wasting my brain on shit.

all my academic crap over the years have come to nothing. hurray!!!!! and i dont know what to do now. yay!!!!! and blah blah blah what a horrible post! if i read this on someone's blog it's the kind that will make me go this person is such an IDIOT! like shut up already! yea shut up!

deck the halls with boughs of holly.. falalalalaaaa..lalalaLA.

i was sitting on the couch just now.. and just waiting and waiting for my brother to get off the com.. coz i have so many thoughts that i just need to put down.. even right now a million thoughts are rushing through my head.. and i know whatever i write down.. i cannot do justice to the thoughts and feelings i've had in the past few days.. and especially in the last 24 hours..

i hope i will leave this blog up.. and i think.. no i dont think.. i will speak damn damn honestly about everything i feel. but that does not mean putting up my personal life. u can talk about truthful feelings. u can talk about your thoughts. u can talk about everything under the sun without losing your privacy. and i will do that. usually i would insert some thing about who gives a shit. but i think i should just stop saying things like that. coz it's damn pissing. i realise that if no one reads my blog.. as my friends did last time.. i would be a bit sad coz i realised that the primary purpose of putting up a blog is because u want to share your thoughts with people. ur friends. or really just share your life. and sometimes just feel that others are having similar thoughts or even give a shit bout your thoughts and you. i do not believe in blogging in 'private' coz things just dont work that way. there's a way to handle that and it's journalling. privately. unfortunately i am too lazy to write, have NO privacy whatsoever, and my writing sucks so bad my hands go into spasms and cramps and i cant read shit what i have written.

i have thought so many things in the past few days and suddenly now when i want to write them down. my mind is completely completely blank. typical. well.. i'll just write as something pops up. guys. i have come to realise that guys and girls.. are completely different entities. species. beings. and are incomparable. girls expect guys to be sensitive to their needs etc but i think we have to realise that guys are not wired that way. and vice versa for whatever guys expect of girls. we are wired differently. think differently. dont give me that snag shit. snags and snags. girls are girls. it's the same as saying that butches understand the mind of guys. which they dont coz at the end of the day they at still girls - these horribly emotionally vulnerable creatures. i was reading 'i kissed dating goodbye' by josh harris during exams. yea during freakshit exams. LAMEASS exams. and for a while.. just for a while it conjured up such an ideal image of 'dating' which will never come now. and will come when it will come. for the record. i dont give SHIT about this now. honestly. but it was just such a.. feelgood book.. what's more a feelgood christian book.. and i went out to get the other copy.. but i keep switching between understanding.. and then being freaking cynical. i started and tried to read 'boy meets girl', but i could not get further from the first few papers and from flipping. the cynic in me just cannot leave. and i wonder really whether i am just being realistic. and it is josh who is being idealistic.. in his Godly world. i dont know now. and it's sad that i even think that way.

i want to talk about God now. but i will save that for later. i realise that it is extremely easy to like people. i mean people of the opposite sex. i am not speaking personally. i am saying generally. many a time people just like people whom they dont even know. and i find that just extremely sad. seeing all the pictures and the holding stares, if only for a few seconds. shying away under the appearance of unacknowledgement. and the knowledge that things will never be and will only remain from afar. wondering if person will ever know. or read. or understand. probably not.

i realised that secondary school days were fantastic. shit may have happened in the later part. but everything just seemed really simple and innocent and fun even if it didnt then i realise it was when i look back upon it now. and i realise it's just coz i was so damn young. for freak's sake im only two years older now. but a lot can happen and has happened in two years. even if not literally as in events unfolding in reality.. a lot in the heart and mind. as much as i love my mg days. i realise that.. i can hardly remember them. yes i do remember things that happen, but i have long forgotten the f eelings and thoughts and emotions, and now i wonder whether i even had them at all. prom just evoked a lot of feelings about the past in me. i had a lot to say after that but i dont feel like anymore coz it's so damn tiring. digressing a little. i think this was the first night.. i felt as though the guys treated me like a girl. i mean i dont mind being treated like a guy. coz essentially that's what i really am like. but it was.. a nice change for a while. and weirdly actually touching sometimes. i dont know what is wrong with me though, but dressing up makes me feel like a slut. i said i was gonna talk openly and honestly. and so i am. and i dont know what to do about that. i think by now.. no. i know by now. thoughts and feelings are already fixed. they were forming in sec sch.. in jc.. but now. they are fixed and nothing will ever take away whatever feelings and thoughts i have on certain things now.

for the past whole day. i have been unable to put james frey's book now. i think after i finish reading this. i will feel empty and will never be able to read another book coz it just wont be as good. and that is extremely pathetic. it's not because his account is so engaging.. it's because it's so honest and true. so honest and true. i know why i really really dislike fictional novels. coz that's just what it is. fiction. u may hear the thoughts of the characters. but these are not real thoughts and everything is so surfacial and that's where it remains. but here im hearing his thoughts. the bare naked truth. the truth isnt always pretty but it's so refreshing and a really really great change. however, after reading the first few pages.. i was unsure whether to continue.. because this is a man who does not believe in God. and the sad thing is i relate to what he's saying. i continue reading and he mentions repeatedly he does not believe in God so much so that it seems as if he's slightly obssessive over this 'disbelief'. and i think this this can only come about if one believes in something. he still speaks of God, but says he does not believe. but isnt that an irony in itself? i was born in a christian family. i have been going to church all my life. well. until a few years ago due to reasons i would not care to mention. my dad is i would say.. a staunch christian. i am honestly not sure what to make of my mum. but i am extremely extremely lost. and i admit it. as much as i would like to say that indeed revelations happen now and then and i feel as if im being brought back to the 'right path'. i cannot help buy wonder whether im just making myself feel that way or if it's really happening. it's tough faith. so damn tough. i see people, i hear people. they praise God like there's no tomorrow, and these are people who are just age or even younger. but is it all really real? is it all shit freaking real? you can talk about God all you want. you can quote all the verses in the world. or even go to him when you have troubles. or every night. but are you really speaking to him. are you really believing.

i have a problem with faith in God. and it makes me so ashamed. i see people who have totally given up.. and in my mind i think you're screwed. it's as though i know he exists but there's so much cynicism. and like i said earlier, thoughts and feelings are so fixed now i dont know whether it can change. the reason i didnt know whether i should continue reading frey's book was because.. i know.. or rather i heard or read somewhere.. yes i read somewhere that we should not read/see/watever anything that will evoke doubts in our minds over God. i accept that statement when i am trying to be a 'good christian'. but right now my mind is telling me to reject it. i personally do not think there are any steps you can follow to be a a good christian but maybe that's why i am where i am now. sometimes i receive moments where it's like praise God. but mostly, it's such a huge struggle. some people say people turn to religon because of their fear of life. they need God as a reason for everything they do not understand in their lives. it is a need rather than something which really exists. right now im so angry at my cynicism. and honestly all this is just pissing me off. coz i know i'll read it over and be like BULLSHIT. sigh. i dont know. i think i'll just end here coz i dont know what im saying anymore.