this is for all the lonely people
thinkin' that life has passed them by
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
ride that highway in the sky

this is for all the single people
thinkin' that life has left them dry
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
you never know until you try

and i'm on my way
yes, i'm on my way
well, i'm on my way back home

- jars of clay

i wish i had a gift in writing lyrics.. or poems.. or.. a gift in expressing myself in beautiful paragraphs.. which so many of my friends do.. but i dont.

i think there're just so many people i've failed in my life.. and whatever has happened in the past few years.. or however i have been.. i think it's amazing that i still have them.. somewhere in my life.. that they still have the remote interest in my existence..

i dont know who still comes here.. to this very isolated place online which i have hardly updated since.. selling my soul.. haa.. nah.. since.. i chose whatever direction in my life that i did.. but im just.. sorry for freezing people out.. the many times i dont reply.. dont turn up.. there're many things i wanna do.. but cant for certain reasons..

it's such a big gift to just.. walk around.. anywhere.. the neighbourhood.. orchard.. sit in the bus.. and just like.. feel totally at ease.. comfortable.. happy.. confident..

i've had that gift for a few moments this year.. but i've taken it away from myself..

i cant believe im leaving in 2 weeks.. it never occured to me that it was a reality until.. just about yesterday.. something i've wanted my whole life.. and suddenly.. im just not sure.. about so many thousand things. i wish i could.. leave in a good state.. and what was originally.. 2 months.. has become 2 weeks to do so..

i always kinda thought i had some character. and i think it still exists somewhere inside.. this whiny side is just.. the unfortunate winner at the moment..

ha. on another note.. i dont understand man.. it's forever forever the wrong people.. hahaa. but really man. happiness is there for u to like.. grab. sigh. ok.

i think.. that.. it's difficult for people to distinguish themselves between doing things coz they care about people or whatever it is.. and doing things which are essentially.. just for themselves. it's a huge difference between being selfless and selfish but yet the line that separates the two is so fuzzy.. and just sometimes completely blinded by one's ego. i thought u would realize that at some point in time.. but i guess.. some things will never change. it's disappointing. and it angers me how much.. it's as disappointing as it is annoying.

was just looking back at like.. super old entries.. when i started writing here.. and wow. sound totally different man. sounded so much more full of life. even though i dont remember that as being a good period.. well.. it hasnt been a good period forever.. but still.. maybe it's coz life was really so hectic then.. and having to be that way coz i was out there the entire time.. not by choice.. but yea..

arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dunnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. if i came across this blog i would seriously dislike the owner of it. which of course. is not much difference.

today. a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.

a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.
and we had a short chat about his future after he orded in 2 weeks time.

it seems like nothing. yet it means so damn much to me.

sigh. there is a reason for my being here.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

same as u hazel (:

wow. these 3 days have been so.. hardhitting. especially today. today was mindblowing.
i dont wanna say too much.. coz.. i dunno.. to me a lot of things do with the organisation.. are better left unsaid.

i am just so overwhelmed..

i think back to the first day of bmt.. when i couldnt even hold the 1 litre bottle with my elbow 90 degrees.. arms trembling.. the first 5bx.. i was panting like hell running up the hill and doing guy push ups for the first time ever and holding it there forever.. the first part of bmt was miserable.. not so much because of the training.. but because.. i felt i just couldnt fit in.. but things got better.. i kinda found my placing.. and when we passed out.. i felt confident that i'd reach a certain level. but of course.. that confidence really in the terms of the real world... would prob be like 1/10.

when we went to service term. things... were definitely tough initially.. i think a lot of the stress i've faced in the army.. was a lot and a lot to do with mental.. i dont mean mental as in with o man i must endure this route march mental.. i mean in terms of.. my placing.. my role in the saf..

now thinking back about all my worries and anger at myself with my disability to strip and assemble gpmgs or whatever it was fast.. all my technical problems.. it all seems so long ago.. i remember feeling so miserable coz i couldnt even master the basics. these simple basics. and i always got up so early and slept so late.. trying to study.. run things over in my mind.. and i just felt miserable. like i couldnt match up to anyone. what kinda officer could i be if i could almost kill myself stripping a gpmg. and i remember feeling so miserable because.. i felt so alone. just couldnt really speak to anyone.. coz everyone was so different.. just felt so weak. and so alone. but i guess as time went by.. things got better.. got to know all the guys.. went about doing what i needed to do... but i still faced many many problems.. one huge one which i cant say here.. and a lot more.. and i wasnt given any positions of leadership.. so basically i did a shitload of saikang.. and.. yea.. i dunno i just really was giving my all in everything.. but basically being kinda behind the sceneish. like.. i just couldnt show myself or anything man..

sigh there's so much to say.. and i cannot express adequately.. i can never.. my experience.. but when i was cwc.. things kinda changed.. and i did gain more faith in myself i think.. i always had a problem.. with my type of leadership.. which i know.. is very different from how things are usually done in the army.. and my character.. these are things which would make it hard to.. so called.. show myself.. and rise.. or whatever it is.. but that period kidna proved that.. there are different ways to do things.. and i think whether things are effective or not.. it really all boils down to the individual. i believe.. if u have the right character.. motives.. people will see that and respect that.

but after everything had been said and done.. i still had so many doubts.. and fears.. whether i could make it.. how i could contribute.. whether there was a place for me here.. but this three day workshop.. and after today's especially.. it just really made clear to me a lot of things.. theree are definitely still fears.. but.. yea.. it just reaffirmed a lot of things.. and although i know that everything has its negatives.. im glad.. and have a lot of pride in this path i've chosen..

i cant articulate myself. but am very overwhelmed. was reading cpt seah's msg just now and suddenly felt like crying. i think my face changed shape for like 10 seconds and the tau hui auntie must have had a shock of her life. things are definitely not going to be easy at all. it's not liek suddenly im so positive and so extremely happy now. but i have hope la. and i believe that against all odds.. i KNOW i can do something here. i wish people outside really knew.. what it means to really be part of the saf..

thinking about what i would want in my career.. i dunno.. everyone has always been saying think ahead.. where u can get to in whatever vocation u join.. and i know the one i've chosen.. it wont be easy at all to get to so called high positions. which was something i never gave any thought or consideration to in the first place.. or thought mattered at all. and i know i would never make the effort to show the boss what the hell im doing coz it just doesnt matter and i cant be bothered. there's so much many more worthwhile things to do for the poeple so called 'below' u.. the men.. than to shove in ur boss's face ur achievments or whatever. but for a while there it kinda made me wonder whether i was being too un realistic.. and worried about my prospects which i think by the way i do things would not be good.. but.. i think today just reaffirmed even more that.. it sounds so corny and slightly.. shallow to say that all i wanna do is touch.. or just leave.. a positive mark on someone's life. that's all i wanna do here. and when i was thinking about that.. i realised that.. i believe i have already done that.. during my cadet term.. im sure a lot of people have.. and a lot of people have on me but we prob dont realise or think about it.. and.. as long as i feel that i am making a contribution. to someone. anyone. and to make a contribution to the organisation.. i will definitely try. definitely.

i think i always impose a lot of.. sexist ideas upon myself.. against my own gender. i think people have this specific image of females in this occupation.. and like.. what the hell am i doing here.. it really isnt a place meant for females. which i agree with. it wasnt initially but times are changing and if one can contribute. why not? i think i need to stop imposing and reinforcing these ideas myself.. but really believe that something can be done here.

it is my privilege. and.. im just ready to embark on this journey man.

i know. i know there are a lot of bad things in this world. but superficially speaking.

is there anything worse than feeling so uncomfortable in ur own skin.
that u really just have no character.
or personality.
or intellect.
or heart.

is there anything worse.

there's a fine line between being honest.. and being a damn insensitive *******.
im so sick of being obliging. and unoffendable.
i think i've let myself be insulted so many times and just laughed everything off until it just screwed me up completely.. and the irony is that.. the result.. makes the above even more repeatable.. yes. this complicated weird nonsensical sentence is something that only i can understand.

if i look as arrogant and fierce as people say i do. then why the hell am i so damn bullyable.

shit. i need to stand up for my rights.

:(

damn u.. really.

but thanks. for the motivation.

:(

how did things get to this point.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

since im in such an offensive mood today.. i shall continue.
which part of 'please. make your way out of my life.' do you not understand.
i know it's not my choice it's a personal choice.
but even so. somehow. it makes me feel violated. still.
sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

on a happier note. the baby in Kevin Hill is DAMN cute. my goodness. sigh. if only i was as confident, happy and _____ as she was cute.

that concludes another whiny post. seemingly whiny. but not.
im just damn sick of so many things.

Dear Child,

I love you. You are very special to me. I know that you are getting weary of your ______ and have been struggling for a long time now, but I am still with you. It is not fair that you experience this pain, while you do good in this world, and your sisters seem to have no problems at all.

However, you are not the problem child. You are a loved child, loved by me, your family, and the many others who have connected with you. In this life, there will be many struggles. They will be unfair, but I have not put these burdens upon you. I have allowed Satan to put this burden upon you, so that you may become strengthened and draw closer to me.

Later in life, after you have ________, I may use you to help others who are struggling as you once were, to give them encouragement and make a difference in their lives.I am so proud of you for fighting this, and I want you to know that as you continue to fight, I am listening to your prayers and hear you always. It is not that I have forgotten about you, or have not heard, it is that I have far greater plans than you could ever imagine, and _____________________ is not part of my great plan for you.

My only son came to this world so that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly. This is my plan for you.What I need you to do is stop turning to the world for answers, stop looking inside of yourself and putting yourself down, instead turn to me and I will forever protect you. Stop holding onto a single thread. Let go of that thread, and turn to me, a rope that will strengthen you and lift you up.I love you my child, do not lose faith. You are special to me. You are loved by me. You can overcome this, I know you can.

Love,God

life for the past month has been pretty much _____ . hahaa. makes me damn ___________ i thought things would be like __________ after all these months.. but nope. i guess when u're taken out of an environment of comfort and with ur own false assurance that u've changed... u realise that u havent. not one bit. and that was merely manifestation of sorts of the orginal shit but in a different way.

speaking very matter-of-factly. there're so many things that i hate about myself. especially now. i feel like im having some out of body experience and i really dislike wei lynn. like seriously. it limits me in so many things i can be doing.. and definitely affects my relationships with others. im way surprised i still have friends. sorry man.

so yea. after giving myself a few imaginary slaps. it's time to snap out of this and EMBRACE life. and turn over a new leaf. hurray.

:(

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic. With friends, you seem thoughtful and interested in ideas. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

what nonsense man. i am an anti-flirt. un-flirt. i cant do it for shit. i wont even think of doing it for shit. and sometimes.. i think im super damn naive in the sense that i find it hard to recognise.. im like the last person to realise anything.. and even if there is like whatever.. i super dont ever believe it.. ok nvm moving on.

so.. it's been a long time since i blogged.. and there are a lot of things i wanna say.. but a lot of things i feel i cannot say..

i dunno.. to me i treat things.. that i think are serious.. very seriously. and i think it's serious that i am part of the saf.. and u know.. i have a responsibility in the things i say and the way i behave. so if this was the old me.. i would go crazy coz i have really a lot of shit to say. but i cant. i have to censor even more things. sigh.

all i can say.. is after the psc pre depart course last week.. im damn glad if there's any org i belong to.. it's the saf. i realise that scholars are not what they are made out to be.. they're so damn normal people.. well.. ok some seem like really knowledgeable and whatever it is.. but i mean.. they're so human. they're not 'perfect' at all.. there're so many flaws here and there too. i wanna say so much more.. but i cant go further. for a particular session.. there was a good 2 hours tha ti was pissed off at something.. and that made me realise.. that i really have a passion for what im doing. so whoever pissed me off. i thank you very much.

people had a lot to say and comment and challenge the guest speakers.. initially i thought. shit im way way way out of my league. coz honestly i dont really give much of a fill-in-the-blanks about local politics or whatever it is. so suddenly this whole long sentence of super bombastic words lasting for a grand total of like 2 minutes or something will come blaring out of someone's mouth in an extremely passionate manner.. and there i am falling asleep going what the... i mean sometimes it is interesting and i listen.. and i have opinions. but some questions.. u know. some things which never need to be asked are just asked for the sake of asking. and i hate that. i really really hate that. i think if u wanna ask something.. really have an interest in it. if not something simple which u know u can answer yourself. come on man. be real.

i dunno whether that makes me sound like an arrogant idiot but trust me i am not at all.. sigh. in fact very much still the opposite. sadly. although i probably look damn a lot like one still as from the feedback gathered. there're reasons for everything.. i dunno man.

right now i have 4 weeks to get my act together and im off.. the lots more that i wanted to say.. i dont really want to anymore.. sigh. so goodbye and goodnight.

wait. i want to ask again. WHY cant people just say what the hell they're really thinking. like if for example u ____ some shit. dont do it in such an indirect manner i mean if u want people to acknowledge ur achievements.. or whatever it is. a disguise of humility is not gonna cut it. or dont lie to urself or lie to others if u really know what the truth is. u know what im sayin.

all i can say is i've failed. the past 30 days. i have failed. and i have 30 more to succeed.

sigh. help. but dont help. u know. i am worried. worried.

suddenly a thought came to me today. i should write a book. i was thinking of all the bombastic things that people say. all along i guess i kinda feel inferior in a sense. let's talk about lit. i like lit. to a certain extent. coz i hate all the over analysis. and i dont exactly like certain books that people would term like wow. brilliant or whatever it is. i guess im a way im just a damn simple person. i dont demand much.. from life.. from books.. but yet i demand a lot more. sigh. so anyways i suddenly thought hey man. even though poeple love to read all these cheem things which win nobel prizes and things like that. i think people will appreciate a book which is damn open and honest and simple language which the common man can understand. and i have been thinking of ideas. so maybe one day i will write a book. i have beent hinking of things to write about.. and i realise there really is a lot to if i wanna be completely open. but i cant. sigh. so. i am back to square one. hurray.. ! -_-

on another note. the love of my life is newcastle. it really really is. i dont care if it makes me sound like some retarded kid. coz no one will ever understand this special relationship. sigh.

who is this shearer. he is a bit too perfect. but yet so human. who is this shearer man.