to ex-kentang

i watched curse of the golden flower yesterday... i had to for class and i was genuinely surprised. it was really really good! hey one of my friends go and watch it! let me know what you think of it! see if we're on the same like.. wavelength or something. i highly recomend it.. i dont know why people think it's boring.. crappy.. etc. this week has been zhang yimou martial arts films week. and i watched hero and house of the flying daggers. hero was terrible. honestly. the plot was just plain confusing.. the fighting TOO damn unrealistic for me.. the fast forward button came in handy a lot.. esp in all the farewell/crying/long-drawn flying in the air scenes. same for the house of the flying daggers.. too toooo too much long-drawn long affairs. i have no idea how im gonna write movie reviews for them.

hey kentang! hahaa yes the person reading this knows who im talking to.. not posting your name here in case you might get angry.. hahaa. i can suggest some chinese films for you to watch if you ever have the time.. which you WILL.. to relax and.. improve your command of the language. try new police story by jacky chan and infernal affairs.. o wait.. i think they're cantonese.. hahaaha nvm. o yea. and go watch army daze on youtube if you havent already. hmmm. but i think you told me you have? i arent much help am i... oh wait! there's this old chinese movie we had to watch called balzac and the little chinese seamstress. the title is not the most enticing, but it's set in the revolutionary maoist period and.. it's one of those more kinda.. arty films. so i think you might like it. or it might help you fall asleep. i kinda liked it. and then was sleepy after. so yea. just a reccomendation (;

marketplace

i went to the mall today... the only mall in this area... and was looking at stuff.. there's really.. like.. great stuff to get.. i was looking at a&f's fierce cologne.. my brother might like that.. or maybe that shirt.. or that polo tee.. a nice pair of shorts.. my sister wants that!.. o.. and that necklace... a hollister polka dotted top.. sarah likes this kinda thing... and loads and loads of perfume... hmm.. meixi.. ooo danielle.. ahh!! zhen!! or maybe lynette.. eh grace!!..etc etc.. it was the same every single store i walked to.. the only other thought was.. should i buy it now.. or is it too expensive.. and then... wl.. how many thousand people do u wanna buy things for... if id acted on instinct id seriously be broke by now.

and i suddenly realised.. that somehow.. i think everything i do here is somehow.. for home. there's never a moment.. well.. ok.. hardly a moment that i dont think of something back home... like what work will be like.. being ready for it.. or what this person/that person is doing.. how is she.. would they like this.. if i want to do well.. it's really because i want to do well coz i dont want to disappoint people and my job.. if i want to be more confident its coz i wanna to be a good _______.. if i want to be.. happier.. it's coz i wanna go home happier so i can be.. more outgoing and meet up with people and just totally enjoy each other's company.. i spend quite a lot of time online.. coz it's my connection between home.. and this far away place where i am..

the freshmen here are planning go to to nigara falls after the finals in mid may.. i mean.. i guess it would be great to see the nigara falls.. i really do kinda love nature and the outdoors in all its full glory.. after eurolife.. but i dont feel like going.. coz.. the _______.. wont be right... and.. the main thought on my mind is.. i wanna come back to sg.. see my friends.. and train and prepare and get back intot he mindset.. for work which will start very soon on my return...

i guess.. it does make sense that when you study overseas.. you should make the best of the opportunity to travel around... see things.. one of the things the idiotic customs guy asked me was.. what do you think of the US. i said it was "ok".. coz it really is okay! and he started talking to me in an extremely condescending manner how i couldnt judge the US from my small town of urbana-champaign and that i know nothing about the US at all.. i need to see more.. blah blah blah... maybe in a way that doofus was right. but to me.. he's not. if anything.. i would like to see the grand canyon... go to yellowstone.. to see these kinda things.. trek.. whatever.. but.. im not really interested in anything else.. the vegas lights.. freaking shopping.. disneyland.. the great hangouts in florida or whatever it is.. i dont know. maybe im just boring.. but it just doesnt interest me that much....

i want to go to europe end year during the winter break with some friends there... as cool as it will be to check out europe.. (AND GO TO NEWCASTLE!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i might buy the whole clubshop down.. yea.. reminder to save up..) the best part of it will be the company... and i think really... that might be 95% of the attraction (excluding newcastle) or maybe even more much. travelling is great.. coz of the break.. but it really means crap without company would you really enjoy... sigh.

anyways. does anyone want anything from the US? just drop me an email, ill be glad to help. i think last time when i was still on my parent's money... i would think a LOT before buying anything.. but that kinda seems so long ago.. it's kinda like 3rd Jan 2006 was really the official change in my life.. maybe in this context coz it was the 1st day i officially kinda started earning my own cash.. but much more than that too... now i definitely do think a lot too before i spend.. but it's different.. if im getting something for someone which i really want to.. it just makes me completely YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY like d's chocolate lotion thing. i was in heaven.

maybe im just a simpleton. or a sentimental piece of crap. or unadventurous. or dont know how to make best use of my time here. but i think that phrase is bullshit. how do u define make best use? by travelling like shit? meeting a crapload of people? making all these contacts? transforming yourself into an "adult"?

for me i just want to.. develop as a person... prepare for my job.. do well in school.. keep in touch with friends.. i definitely want all these so called.. international experiences.. join things... meet people.. but i realised it cant be forced.. you make an effort.. and if it happens great.. but as long as u're happy with what you're doing i guess.

yesterday an american friend came by my room.. asked me to join this kinda like.. an international club with her.. i think that kinda made my night.

insignifcant queen bees

i was reading a friend's post just now. and was typing a comment... about how it didnt matter that.. you feel you have to keep up appearances with people sometimes.. or whatever it is.. coz you know.. all you need are just those few good friends.. (yes. someone told me that many many times before. thanks.. disillusioned human.. or rather.. sheep. (: ) people you know and trust.. who will never have an ulterior motive.. who will never do or say anything to hurt you.. and will just support you all the way.. who wont cast judgment upon you. you just need those few good people. and everything else.. although annoying on a daily basis.. just kinda fades into the background and doesnt matter. yea. even queen bees.. ;)

my room-mate and i get along really pretty well. although we are complete opposites. we're extremely flexible.. can both sleep with the light on.. anytime.. we just dont really care much about anything in particular. but sometimes.. there are things which.. i personally feel.. quite annoyed and sad with. last night was slightly testing. i know i give in to people a lot. too much.

my room mate is... extremely conscious and pays a lot of attention to her looks. i wake her up every morning for class coz she can hardly ever do it herself. there was one morning she woke up extremely late with only 15 minutes to spare including waiting for the bus. if i had 15 minutes left. i would just brush teeth, change, and chiong out. but the first thing she did was take 10 minutes to do her make-up.

honestly. i was dumb-founded. shocked. stunned. maybe im just naive and stupid. i should have expected it. but i couldn believe it. at that very moment.. i was glad i was who i am. it was extremely dejavu.. coz i remember a completely similar feeling some time last year.. abeit in a completely. completely different situation.

she questions me a lot too.. whether i am "a girl"?!?! why dont i like to dress up. or wear make-up. or do anything with my hair. or put in the slightest effort to look good. or wear something other than jeans and my hoodie everyday. why do i just not care about how i look. honestly speaking.. of course if i said i didnt care in the slightest.. i would be lying. who wont care... but.. let's not go into the reasons. the point is.. we had an extra long discussion about this last night.. and it just left me feeling.. quite bad about myself. even though it was over such a damn superficial topic. sometimes i do wonder how things could be.. if i was different.. less like myself.. more like her.. but.. i mean. i will never change. and i think im extremely comfortable just being like that. not caring. it's great.

but after i replied to my friends post.. really.. i just felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders in a sense. it really doesnt matter (:


dee. i am going to borrow your book from the library. thanks for the reccomendation (:


... i just feel... extremely touched. there couldnt be any better motivation. i wont disappoint you. at all. or myself for that matter.
when i come back in 4 months. i will still be me. but different.


o yea and i stepped on dog shit and am damn pissed off about it. ARGH. i saw a brown patch on the floor and somehow. i swear. what was going through my mind was it looks hard, quick test what it is. step on it. and i did. and it really was shit. i really am a smart ass.

extremely. purely. random thoughts.

you know. i was just thinking. it's really really important to think before you speak. a certain amount of idealism is fantastic. if indeed it is a real truthful personal conviction that it exists.. for a greater good other than for one's own. however. one has to realise that every single word coming out of one's mouth bears some responsibility towards whomever is.. acknowledging it. esp if you are.. well.. with lack of a better word.. "influential" (some magnification on those inverted commas please).

who are we to judge... happiness. or xin fu-ness.. (cannot think of an english word for that). who are we to decide if one is _________ or not. who are we to claim bs self-righteousness in all glory of our own good and contented suffering for the supposedly humongous benefit for others. who are we to portray ourselves as saints, suffering for the good of mankind.

sure we can all make a difference if we just even BOTHERED. but sometimes it's not about being bothered or not. it's much more than that. and to be realistic. think of the context of this making a difference. sometimes one needs to step down from that pedestial of "symphatising" with the ____________, and go the ground. see, feel, UNDERSTAND what's going on.. as a normal human being, and not as an "enlightened one". what's that phrase? words are nothing without action or some crap like that? (yea my english is eroding perfectly. fantastic.) what ive realised.. action can mean NOTHING. without a truthful heart. without being willing to become a "commoner". it means bull.

so the Bible goes, that Jesus is the Servant King. he serves people, inspite of his so called status. i think sometimes.. we humans try to emulate that.. but so much of the time we fall short.. because we just cannot let go of that human side of us that seeks some personal.. benefit. to put it nicely. or uncontroversially. we're human. it's human.

how about the people in the immediate vicinity?!

like i said. completely random thoughts.

--------------

i was reading about this lawsuit filed against abercrombie and fitch saying that they only hired good looking white caucasians and discriminated against other races/not so good looking people. perhaps it's the image they wanna portray.. i mean.. sure it is. there's an a&f store near here which i've been in a few times, and well.. let's just say that the situation kinda really justifies the lawsuit. it's really quite intimidating personally to have these models who seem to pop out from these surfer dude paintings on the wall hanging around. a&f eventually settled the suit for 40 million bucks.. with an agreement to make a change in their policy of employment.

fantastic.

________________

i was walking back to the quad today after some great thai food and i suddenly heard aslyn's that's when i love you, which i mentioned a few posts ago. and i couldnt believe it. what a coincidence. this song is my ringtone and it's playing in one of the cafes and shops i was walking past. as borat would say. very nice! my ringtone is a popular song man. it's one of those moments.. when u're walking on the streets of the US.. along some sidewalk cafes.. in a 'winter wonderland'.. where it's all white.. you're alone.. and you hear a song you know.. love.. just for that one moment. you feel so independent. intelligent. sophisticated. suave..

but anyways 10 seconds later i realised that it was my phone that was ringing.

sophisticated my ass.

cool shark

im typing this as im watching infernal affairs in the library. ive recently developed a huge interest in asian films.. since my first class for chinese cinema when we watched initial d.. went to borrow new police story.. which was great.. and infernal affairs.. which was just really.. perfect. so damn good. im watching it again from the library coz the i borrowed for 1 buck was kinda spoilt in parts. yea. im hooked. already watched 2 and 3. :D

i dont mean this is a positive or negative way.. but merely a fact that most of my friends.. and when i say most i mean.. 99%.. are kinda bananas. im damn sure i used to be one. but i think im extremely different now. i think..

the honest fact is bananas are damn proud of the fact that they're white inside, even if no one really voices it out. most bananas maybe. and when they complain about their shit chinese, it's more of pride that it sucks... rather than being really upset/ashamed about it. sadly.

i must say cheenaness to me.. like for example in lecture when you hear people talking in very singaporean accented chinese about.. like.. ni zuo le homework ma.. or.. just basically discussing the most mundane things in chinese.. still prob will annoy me.. yea i am an idiot. but.. i think there're really a lot of just.. really great... "cheena" people around.. i think i met some in training and seriously i think they're just damn cool.. and a lot of the time.. much better than any arrogance that all these englishy people have to offer.

i prob will never lapse into chinese in conversations... but i just really.. do embrace my heritage so much more now man.. and i think everyone should too.. i think sometimes the problem with asia.. singapore in particular.. or at least some people.. look so much towards the west.. america.. europe.. look up to them for their culture.. language.. sophistication.. whatever.. and i think that's what kinda stops us from moving forward in a sense.. always trapped in this role of inferiority. we just.. really need to develop our own culture. our own confidence in being asian..

sigh. i wish i could sound more sophisticated in my expression.. but i cant. im just a simple person. anyways... i realised that my blog is super easily searchable.. i was testing it out and typed my name in yahoo. and it came up. shit. does anyone know how to remove it from there. please let me know man :(

o yea and if you haven. GO WATCH INFERNAL AFFAIRS! i wanted to watch the departed when it came out last time... but i wont now. i mean i havent seen it.. but from trailers.. and knowing the american style.. they've just added so much sex, drugs, expletives to all the plot.. and of course they wanna include these deep thinking classic scenes where i dont know.. leo dicaprio will say something really catchy and soundbite-ish and the whole audience will go oooooo... and he'll win a stupid oscar or something. i know its scorcese and all that but they just turn the movie so.. commercial.. and trashy.. (maybe im just being biased) whereas wu jian dao just really.. presents the whole plot in such a simple.. subtle.. beautiful manner.. so go watch it if you havent! and if you are an extremely emotional person/crybaby (: mmm. beware. there're two parts that'll kill you off.

there's this pol sci class on comparative politics in developing nations we're doing, and we're all supposed to give one presentation throughout the whole course on a developing country... mine's on april 25 so i guess i have time to build up some courage and confidence.. or get worse. but.. we'll see. anyways he was asking us to pick and he said my name and somehow the words "cambodia" just popped out of my mouth.. no idea why. maybe it's fate. the only thing i know about them is i think that mass murderer guy.. pol pot or something? and their connection to the vietnam war.. have. a. lot. of. research. to. do. class today was really interesting.. the discussion centred on the muslim world, somalia, and erm.. o yea turkey. hmmm.. really makes me feel like backpacking across southeast asia.. at least. anyone interested? it's always safer with someone else.. i need to do something like that really.. before uni ends coz i think the moment work begins.. i'll definitely have no life. i know i'll be immersed in it. im crap at balancing.

something on msn.com caught my eye. these japanese marine park staff caught a "5-foot long creature, which they identified as a female frilled shark, sometimes referred to as a “living fossil” because it is a primitive species that has changed little since prehistoric times."


very nice.

deeeeeeeer.

i just realised that there's a huge possibility i'll be spending the entire summer break doing attachment, right to the point when i fly back, the day before school starts, again. hmmm... kinda sad coz i really wanted to do the same start va worshop with the girls... wanling, jp and van.. would be a great time to just really catch up.. but i think our uni calendar.. schedules.. just too different :(

we'll see how things go.

hahaa.. ahh! i dont like to talk about 'sensitive issues'.. soooooooo.. nothing.

but.

i'll be ready by then.

-----------------

o man. i just saw something.
feel slightly.. to put it nicely.. light-headed.

ugh. i dont understand all this ____ and _______ and ___!!!!

sent a damn big chill down my spine that's for sure.

but it's so common.. is it just me.. or is it people?!?!

sigh. i think it's just me.

(msg me if you wanna know what im talking about. would like to hear some opinions :D)

titled for the sake of being titled

there's this really cheap dvd rental place here... or.. at least i think it's cheap.. 3 dvds for 6 bucks. just watched friends with money. loved it. i watched the movie.. and watched the director's commentary... i dont know.. people might find it boring... coz a movie is kinda more for entertainment.. but.. i really like to hear the insights.. esp if it's a great movie.

i saw the doctor a couple of days ago for my 5th course of med for this thing too complicated to go into.. so i asked her bout my eternal nose bleed.. and she said it's prob coz of dryness, though there's an infection.. gave me something to apply.. so i have been. and i thought it was better. but when i was watching the commentary. my nose started dripping. rapidly. onto my white pillow. just realised this is kinda disgusting to mention. but it just became this dripping tap which just couldn stop.. it's the same when i cut my (now-crooked) finger with a penknife in camp when we were making the fuses.. or something. the blood just filled my hand.

maybe. i should go back to see the doctor again. i mean. it was so sudden and much without any agitation. sigh.

i have something with tissue. i hate it. it disgusts me. but i think... it's time to buy some again.

in regards to my last post... a friend emailed me and said i sounded lovesick. hahaa.. well.. that couldn be further from the truth. my point was. i miss friends. and something like being lovesick or whatever to me now it means complete bs.

thats when i ____ you

loneliness has been the biggest, cruelest battle.

am i stupid... or am i stupid.
i want to get out of my dorm...my 'bunk'... to eat some asian food... but im lazy to. a friend is right outside who has a car.. and it'd be nice to talk to another human being before i kill myself with my thoughts. i could ask my friend for a lift to get some asian food which im craving for. eat there. or wait to da bao back. but yet i refuse. even though i really want to. there's the small reason of feeling bad for inconvenience (which actually is not valid in this instance). but mainly because i refuse to go to out, even just to eat dinner, or to dabao it back, alone with a guy. to me for some reason, it's just a bit wrong. if there's nothing going on. and i dont like to ask favours. i should do it myself. right.

why. why am i so stubborn. so stupid. so damn old fashioned.
to choose some stupid logic.. over the __________.

When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly

And when your mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

Aslyn, that's when i love you

i play this song a lot.. esp when im sad-der.. coz it makes me think of grace and lynette.. friends.. everyone back home.. right now in this second. i really want to be home. surrounded by people i know and love. maybe im just being stupid sentimental. but it's really become very impt to me. more than a lot of things. how we used to have talks about relationships... i can honestly say now that to me.. it's all bs. im human. it's in our capacity to want.. some company..esp at my age. as corny at that sounds. but i cant even think of it now. in fact, it kinda disgusts me. after things ive seen. and. it's just so insignifcant. irrelevant. friends.. there's nothing better. but sometimes... i do feel like it really is a one-sided thing. no man is an island. is that the phrase? although i think mine is developing extremely well unfortunately.

right now i just want to be home.

i think. i think ill call him again. i want to eat.

and i did.

sigh.

sorry myself. i betrayed you.

movies

finally got down to changing my major and declaring a minor.

watched stomp the yard yesterday. where i am.. there's only i think a couple of theatres, both of which are kinda.. well.. old.. and one would call them run-down.. but maybe 'quaint' would be a more positive word. im not sure how the infamous yangtze theatres look like in singapore.. but im guessing they might be similar. anyway it's not the theatre. it's the show. yangtze obviously fails miserably in both aspects. disgusting.

back to the show. it was draggy, long, and just too too tooooo damn cliche. here i hardly even know what's in the theatres.. unless i come across things online.. so i never heard of this show. it's something about this form or dance called 'stepping' which is pretty cool i guess.. i found myself kinda envying how strong they were and how well they executed their moves, but being the dance idiot i am, what i focused on more was the awful clicheness of the entire plot.

boy's brother dies. indirectly his fault. boy goes to college. boy meets girl (or rather. he meets her butt. that's what they keep showing anyway). girl's with asshole. boy outdances asshole. attracts girl. long complicated storyline. girl helps boy emotionally. boy wins girl. asshole's pissed off. boy wins competition.

i dont know if it's the cynic in me growing. but the whole plot just kinda pissed me off. it was kinda just really shallow.. and esp. esp. his relationship with the girl. i dont know what's wrong with me but i was absolutely disgusted. she was completely personality-less, character-less.. but. yea u know the power of love at first sight. especially when u're staring at someone's butt when they bend down to drink from the water cooler. everytime they appeared on screen.. fight.. make-up.. whatever. i just felt absolutely sick. but i guess.. a lot of times that's how things are in real life. right? or wrong? sigh. i dont care. was just really really really annoyed.


i realised movies really are quite annoying. coz they're just so. perfect. and unreal. dont like it. at all. and the trailers.. there was this horror show which totally freaked the shit out of me... even though im christian, and dont believe in like some stupid idiot suddenly floating towards me/crawling out of the freaking tv. but.. im human. and i definitely get scared.. i can be quite the coward at times.. my senior asked me how then do i survive in outfield.. great question. i never really thought of it.. i guess im just so damn stressed/ thinking of too many things to be scared. coz i seriously am not. on the flip side.. at night when i wanna go to the toilet from my bunk.. i try not to unless it's really necessary.. it's just too damn quiet.. and then i run 'lightly' back to my room. coz there's a freaking mirror at the end of the corridor. hate that.

the movie i really wanna watch is rocky balboa! it's such a... classic. and i actually like sly stallone. and it involves boxing. definitely a +++++. it's just such a classic!!! ive watched all the rockys... was telling my friend how cool it was and she said yea her dad watches them. well. i love old school man. and the simpsons movie.. teenage mutant ninja turtles... another classic.. sigh.

all right. abrupt end to post.

--

shit. after typing all that i feel so damn _________ again. there just really seems to be no ____ a lot. and im just damn damn damn jaded and tired.

there has got to be something better doesnt there? it cant continue like this forever. something. something has to change. there has to be something better.

i think i said this before.. but my dad once told me that when you really accept and let God into your life.. you'll feel like a new person. everything will be just so different. maybe. probably. but how? i think ive strayed so far... i dont know how that is gonna happen again.

ive been thinking of _____ a lot.. fleeting thoughts in the recent past.. and much more recently.. i guess. that's when i just really know that i definitely have a _______

life in the states...

there're just too many things on my mind now that i prob wont remember all of them. we'll see what comes to mind in random order.

(1) in regards to my previous post... i was gonna write out the extremely offending insulting and humiliating customs officer who 'let me through' at the chicago airport... and the bad airplane service onboard united airways to chicago where the stewardesses spoke to me as if i was some dumb asian kid who didnt know their english language. but... after complaining to danielle and hazel and talking to one of my american friends, i think ive cooled, and it's just completely unnecessary to repeat such stupid, insignificant and ignorant incidents.. well all right. so maybe i havent cooled down that much.

ive always been interested in international exchanges.. and diffierent cultures and interactions.. which is why i seized opportunities to attend international guiding camps and host an australian guide when she came to singapore.. and always wanted to study overseas. in a sense i guess i was rather idealistic about things. and in recent years i have become increasing cynical and withdrawn, which are not traits that will aid my aforementioned interest. and after coming to the states.. personally ive realised that sometimes it really isnt that easy. for me that is.

(Note: my roommate just came back and she told me her sister just got plastic surgery done in korea.. and it's so common that there're more people who have than it than people who havent.. hmmm.. i guess it's pretty cool that u just learn more about the world from your roommate.. more on her later)

i guess one gripe i have with staying overseas is i dont like to be treated as a second-class citizen. i know that i am quite a self-conscious and sensitive person... so maybe that does make things worse. and maybe i think too much. but i definitely dont think im overthinking things. maybe i just feel more of a sense of... justice. the fact is i am an international student studying in another country... and not everyone wants to admit it but i know that that's the first thing people think when they look at you/know.. one thing the customs officer said was why are u studying overseas not locally, and at that point i did think yea.. why. why am i studying in a land where i am sometime stereotyped and misunderstood, and essentially dont belong than studying at home where everything and everyone i love is.

but i guess. i cant generalise everything like that. there's no way everyone is the same. and there are definitely really nice and great people. i guess if anything, what im uncomfortable with at times is just gonna develop some resilience and character... and what i'll remember and appreciate the most are the positive experiences. one thing for sure is i've definitely become much more interested in asia and our culture after coming overseas... i find it really sad that people in asia.. well.. a lot of people.. look towards the west.. for whatever it is.. i just really have a lot more pride and interest in my heritage. after the airport incident, i was thinking why.. why would they send me here to study.. when nus is such a damn good uni? but i mean now after having given it a day or two.. maybe.. maybe it's to grow up.. mature as a person.. and just understand different things.. and be enriched overall. it's more than having fun (i dont know how to anymore sometimes. sigh.).. or travelling.. or doing well.. i was extremely demoralised when whining to hazel on skype for 2 hours yesterday.. but now i feel better. in the 2 days since school has began ive again met really great open-minded people. very very cool.

(2)my room-mate's korean and we're complete opposites. she's studied for very long in nz and the states so she's just really americanised now. but for some weird reason we get on really quite well. i think if i wasnt so.. well.. unmovable she might seem like a 'bad influence' in certain ways.. but not at all... sometimes i really do bemoan the lack of privacy... but i guess it's all part of the process and yea.. i think she's actually a really great person somewhere inside.

(3) i didnt do well last sem. and my sponsors sent me an email of 'concern'. judging by how things were going last sem.. i knew i was in for it. i came late and chose classes so hurriedly without even knowing what was going on, took some pretty hard ones and some which i didnt need. and during the sem.. i missed many...many lessons.. did all my papers the night before.. studied the day itself.. etc.. i started off on a bad note.. and things still took a turn for the worse. it's not surprising what i got, in fact i might even be grateful if i were not so disappointed in myself. i know what i have to do, what obligations i have, and yet i let my personal life get in the way of what i need to do. i just feel so bad towards people who have faith in me.. and i guess worse of all i feel like ive let myself down... again. i could go on bemoaning the tough classes, the immense pressure that 'scholars' here inflict with their interest in studying. im not being sarcastic. i mean everyone has different interests and honestly i accept and respect that. but it's just my fault and nobody else's. i just feel like im a disappointment to.. some people. but i guess.. it's all part of a lesson i need to learn isnt it? right now i really have to do DAMN well for all my remaining sems to pull up my grades.. there's a lot of pressure, i have a lot to worry about... but hopefully ill find my way as i go along.

i think ive always been pretty lucky. i was some sort of a guai kia in primary school and i did well. in secondary school i started to really deteoriate.. really lastlastlast minute chionging just killed me off but it always pulled me through.. same in jc. just ask my friends. it got worse. but i still made it. and sometimes some part of me believes that God is just really helping me along here.. for some reason. some plan. because for the absolute nothing that i do for school until the one sleepless night before.. i dont deserve shit. i dont know. i guess this sem is just really a lesson. no longer do i only have to answer to myself, but am responsible towards so many people. by hook or by crook i have to get myself out of this. classes this sem i picked extremely carefully.. they're pretty cool. yesterday i had a chinese cinema class and we watched initial d the original canto version.. hahaa. great. i guess one thing great about studying in the US are the really great variety of classes, professors.

(Note: i just came back from a class which was in my hall... the professor was rajmohan gandhi who is mahatma gandhi's grandson. he's a visiting prof here and very involved kinda in continuing gandhi's legacy. it's this class on comparative politics in developing nations and he was talking about the US. he said something which i thought was very interesting - nations come about because of the links of the same blood and soil. however the US is founded on the basis of not so much blood and soil but a nation of the same values because their people come from all over the world. and that's why americans sometimes find i difficult to understand what's wrong with the invasion of another nation. for example the israeli and palestinian conflict. the americans support the invasion of israel into palestine as one democracy invading another undemocratic country kinda for the 'good of the world'. however, palestinians feel that the land is theirs by birth, and shouldnt be occupied by other people. i just feel that this explains a lot of things)

(4) im bleeding like nobody's business. the weather is very dry and i had a bleeding nose for the entire stretch of last semester and it's started again. my hands which are already so rough and cracked in the first place are much worse now. yesterday and today, if not for the stains on my jeans and jackets i wont even have realised they were bleeding. sigh. anyone have any remedy? am. losing. blood.

(5) i guess one thing studying in the states has really emphasized for me is that there really is no place like home. i appreciate everything back home so much more. and i can honestly say that i love my country and the people. all this kiasuism.. kiaseeism.. yea it can piss you off.. but it doesnt take anything away from what a great place home is. if there wasnt anything like this. there wont be anything to laugh at would there. i've also realised that it really takes effort to keep friendships going.. which i try to put in. i think really the best friends you could have made are from sec school.. jc.. i know things change. but hopefully some things will stay more or less the same

(6) there is something wrong with me. i dont know how i survived my appointment sometimes. i used to well.. be in charge of many things.. and felt extremely comfortable in expressing myself or doing things.. and addressing crowds. but not anymore. my confidence has seeped away so much it's just absolutely disgusting and distressing. when i held my appointment.. somehow it was slightly better.. and got better over time. i dont know how people can describe as a calm when im really dying away inside. my heart is pounding so. so hard. im trembling like crazy. and even more so here. when i have lessons.. like my language lessons.. and when we need to speak in class.. even just say your name and major. it is so so so difficult for me. i dont know why. it just really really sucks. i have to be so careful not to give away my trembling. i remember in vj during pw.. my classmates witnessed my breakdown for a while. it was terrible. im terrified.. terrified of the presentations i have to make.. of speaking again.. but i need to do it. i need to get over this and over myself.. i need it so damn much for my career... sigh. i need all my confidence back.

--------------------------

i wanted to say more about... the organisation but i think i'll leave it to the next post.. summarize what 2006 has really meant.. what a year. i was reading some of my previous posts.. and the first thing that came to mind was im so ashamed of myself. i feel like i cant write well, im much more childish than i think, and... i dont know. sigh. but we'll see.. we'll see how things go...

tired.. and PISSED.

i just came back from a 7 hour flight, 3 hour stop, 12 hour flight, 1 hour wait, 3 hour busride, dinner, unpacking, showering.

am damn tired

i wanted to blog about something which totally totally pissed me off.. but im too tired right now to think.. and i think letting it rest one day before talking about it would be better.. i might most definitely say something wrong with how im feeling now. and i wanna blog about 2006 too. i just need somewhere to let it all out.. and think about it.. sigh. but tired. tomorrow. tomorrow i have lessons to attend.. so much so much to accomplish.. but i swear i will talk about this maddening incident.. or i wont feel justified.
yea. it's pathetic. the only way i can feel barely 'justified' is by talking about it.

ARGH. i HATE customs officers. not even detest. HATE.

leaving again...

hmmm.. i was thinking of some songs which would be an appropriate reflection of how i feel now.. leaving on a jet plane came to mind.. but i realised it was being written for an extremely mushy couple.. yea. shivers down my spine.
and suddenly country road came to mind.. and even though the lyrics totally dont make sense in such a situation.. i dont know. it's just a sad.. but soothing song.. to me. and when i think of country road, i think of sean liew. a bit scary. but not bad. good way to remember a friend. hmm.

im 90% packed.. and i think.. quite sad. i dont know. so many things i want to say but cant. to be honest.. im really dreading going back.. because i know there's a mountain of a challenge that awaits me.. or rather.. mountains. some being more massive than others. but ok. rubbish leg. it's time to come out of hiding. step out with courage. brave all the negativity the world has to offer. and be more optimistic to accept the positive.

yes.

how convincing. but YES i have to. no choice. i realised im an idiot who never sticks to what i say. but now. i will change in these 5 months. FOR THE BETTER. i will force myself to do things that im uncomfortable with (which is basically everything. i am extremely awkward). i will do what i need to do. yea. that's my new moto. do what needs to be done. or something like that.

i just read shafy, zhen and nette's return emails. sigh. thanks.. am quite touched for some reason.. it makes me feel so sad.. but yet so happy. all right.. to brave a whole day travelling in the sky again.. freaking 13 hour plane flights.. sick of it. im developing a huge phobia of planes.. for the entire trip back i kept thinking we were going to crash.. and i kept expecting some siao person to suddenly open the emergency door i was beside and we'd all get sucked out of the plane.. of course with me leading the way. sigh.

i wanted to reflect on the past year.. but ill do that when im settled back in my lovely dorm room again. everyone in singapore... i miss you guys like crazy.. and am going to even more.

all right. to a more positive outlook. (:

2nd last night

reminder to self. things to do on this last day... before i ship myself off into further _____________

- blog
- email/sms
- pack

sigh.