sigh. ive been mulling over this.. for very long..
and it just finally hit me.. what the hell was i thinking..
they're going to drop me.. really..
for once i think i overestimated myself..
and i might go down in history in disgrace.
sigh. help.
help.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
wa crap. i realised the building from my window (which is another hall) looks like HDB.
HURRAY SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! splendid indeed :D
SO what if my view doesnt include the london bridge or some amazing lake or some beautiful trees or something like that. i have a FREAKING hdb. jealous right! I KNEW IT.
HURRAY SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! splendid indeed :D
SO what if my view doesnt include the london bridge or some amazing lake or some beautiful trees or something like that. i have a FREAKING hdb. jealous right! I KNEW IT.
something to always remember...
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
whenever i see verses like this.. i go hmmm.. then i start to regret/feel ashamed about a lot of things. and after 5 mins.. ok time to collect laundry.. time to zone out.. (this occus 99.9% of the time).. time to go back to feeling stressed bout my shitty grades.. i guess.. in a way.. religon doesnt come easy.. well.. ok faith doesnt come easy.. i dont know how to put it across.. but it needs some effort.. effort to do QT.. effort to go to church no matter what.. effort to remember things.. and esp.. an effort to stick up for you believe right by religon...
but anyways.. i always feel like i can never talk to God. like.. really know u're talking. honestly.. when things are so busy and ok.. he slips out of my mind completely.. and when im dying (like now) he suddenly comes back in.. and ahhh.. will prayer help this time.. i dont know.. praying is seriously like talking.to.the.wall. only that even the wall isnt present.. so it's kinda like the air...
i think.. im a very ungrateful person.. towards the Lord. i was thinking of the many times in my life where it seems that something impossible.. became possible. sometimes i would want to put them down to.. it's just that sometimes in life shit happens.. and good stuff happens..
let's see somethings i can recount...
(1) going for overseas camps twice.. despite complete lack of $$$...
(2) surviving sec 4
(3) being a shit student in jc.. but still somehow managing to do s paper.. which i failed. but by then it didnt matter :D
(4) being a shit student still.. but yet managing to get the As results that i needed.. and prove some people wrong.. YES.. but that's just my inner childishness speaking.. most importantly.. it gave me what i wanted..
(5) somehow finding a 'direction'.. getting past first round interview into army.. and then eventually finding my service and getting a scholarship..
and.. there're a lot of other things i realise.. which will not be written down... and even out of all the bad.. i mean.. if not for that shit i wont be where i was today either.. it's so easy to look at someone else's life and go crap. that person is so lucky or whatever.. but im just being a complete fool. i do count my blessings.. but on few occasions.. how the heck did i.. with no cash.. with crap grades.. with zero saka-ing skills.. (i thank god i had zero. or i cant live with myself) end up today in the US in a dorm typing this when every second, they are draining the money out of my sponsors.. amazing.
now im here.. im like.. o why is my uni blah blah blah.. why is my life blah blah blah coz of me.. but why is theirs blah blah blah... (what a seriously singaporean sounding sentence.. and whoa someone just let out a massive groan from somewhere.. very interesting).. but i believe.. i was put here for a reason.. my studies have been shit for a reason.. just like.. my career choice.. despite seemingly clashing with my personality a little.. has been chosen for a reason.. so.. everything will work out in the end... right? :D
sigh. as i face an insurmountable mountain of crap ahead.. like really.. am so dead.. i guess i just have to trust and believe.. that i can do it.. i know people back in sg are praying for me.. they have been all along.. and esp since i went into army.. so yea.. ha. i should go pray too.. sigh.. ok back to this impossible term paper.. i have just mapped out a crazy course of study.. yea despite my shit grades now i still have time to do that. i am such a retard. let's just see what God wants for me...
on a completely unrelated note.. there is someting wrong with my room. it's drugged or something.. every time outside i feel find.. but when i sit down on this chair.. my head starts to feel DAMN woozy.. super headache.. and my eyelids are very heavy.. im not kidding this is not a psychological thing.. i dont nkow if it's coz im beside the heater.. sigh. but it kills me. there must be drugs in the air. seriously :( :( :(
one more thing i learnt recently too.. u really are learning the entire time.. constantly.. there're so many lessons to be learnt in life. it's how much u wanna absorb.. remember.. or are willing to humble yourself to realise.. i learnt that.. i really need to keep my emotions in check. when i think i am.. im not.. sigh. calm down.
so anyways one last thing (ha. i think this is just a massive excuse not to go back to the reality of doing work. but it's ok. i like it. i hate how i regret blogging everytime i finish. but STOP IT WEILYNNN!!!!!! such an idiot really. yea. i have become so lonely that i talk to myself now.. alot.. no.. just kidding.. ok STOP. argh.
so yea. some people have been complaining.. commenting that my blog is pathetic at updating my life.. others have said that they're looking forward to seeing my pictures when i come back to singapore. unfortunately to that i can say.. i have none -_-. yea i bought a freaking lumix and i have 4 pictures of autumn leaves. not taken by me. so i decided to satisfy both groups of people with a few pictures.. and i even asked my roommate to help me take 2. one is dedicated to danielle. another i hope.. will satisfy people so much so that the requests to take pictures of my actual face. will decrease. and with this hope.. i shall post these...
my table... well.. ok other than the autumn leaves.. this and the next 2 were taken a while ago...
the SPLENDID view from my window.. hahaa but that's ok (:
my room.. as of 2 months ago.. well my side that is.. th sheets are now blue.. i have a miniature fan.. and a dark blue comforter.. no i hate blue. but i didnt wanna get black. too depressing.
(: one of the best gifts ever...
if u see your stuff on my shelf.. either.. i was too lazy to put it anywhere.. or u are very much treasured.. (: (: (:
dee/sarah/meixi.. i think i used to do this to one of u in vj.. or all of u.. with hand semi-rotating from side to side..
AND NOW FOR THE FINALE...
dee this is for u.. ur common face.. somehow. u look way better.. and sigh. something which i regret taking already..
PS: grace and nette and alicia.. the cd u guys gave me is on my shelf.. but hidden.. i just rmembered its existence.. thank u.. i am so undeserving.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
whenever i see verses like this.. i go hmmm.. then i start to regret/feel ashamed about a lot of things. and after 5 mins.. ok time to collect laundry.. time to zone out.. (this occus 99.9% of the time).. time to go back to feeling stressed bout my shitty grades.. i guess.. in a way.. religon doesnt come easy.. well.. ok faith doesnt come easy.. i dont know how to put it across.. but it needs some effort.. effort to do QT.. effort to go to church no matter what.. effort to remember things.. and esp.. an effort to stick up for you believe right by religon...
but anyways.. i always feel like i can never talk to God. like.. really know u're talking. honestly.. when things are so busy and ok.. he slips out of my mind completely.. and when im dying (like now) he suddenly comes back in.. and ahhh.. will prayer help this time.. i dont know.. praying is seriously like talking.to.the.wall. only that even the wall isnt present.. so it's kinda like the air...
i think.. im a very ungrateful person.. towards the Lord. i was thinking of the many times in my life where it seems that something impossible.. became possible. sometimes i would want to put them down to.. it's just that sometimes in life shit happens.. and good stuff happens..
let's see somethings i can recount...
(1) going for overseas camps twice.. despite complete lack of $$$...
(2) surviving sec 4
(3) being a shit student in jc.. but still somehow managing to do s paper.. which i failed. but by then it didnt matter :D
(4) being a shit student still.. but yet managing to get the As results that i needed.. and prove some people wrong.. YES.. but that's just my inner childishness speaking.. most importantly.. it gave me what i wanted..
(5) somehow finding a 'direction'.. getting past first round interview into army.. and then eventually finding my service and getting a scholarship..
and.. there're a lot of other things i realise.. which will not be written down... and even out of all the bad.. i mean.. if not for that shit i wont be where i was today either.. it's so easy to look at someone else's life and go crap. that person is so lucky or whatever.. but im just being a complete fool. i do count my blessings.. but on few occasions.. how the heck did i.. with no cash.. with crap grades.. with zero saka-ing skills.. (i thank god i had zero. or i cant live with myself) end up today in the US in a dorm typing this when every second, they are draining the money out of my sponsors.. amazing.
now im here.. im like.. o why is my uni blah blah blah.. why is my life blah blah blah coz of me.. but why is theirs blah blah blah... (what a seriously singaporean sounding sentence.. and whoa someone just let out a massive groan from somewhere.. very interesting).. but i believe.. i was put here for a reason.. my studies have been shit for a reason.. just like.. my career choice.. despite seemingly clashing with my personality a little.. has been chosen for a reason.. so.. everything will work out in the end... right? :D
sigh. as i face an insurmountable mountain of crap ahead.. like really.. am so dead.. i guess i just have to trust and believe.. that i can do it.. i know people back in sg are praying for me.. they have been all along.. and esp since i went into army.. so yea.. ha. i should go pray too.. sigh.. ok back to this impossible term paper.. i have just mapped out a crazy course of study.. yea despite my shit grades now i still have time to do that. i am such a retard. let's just see what God wants for me...
on a completely unrelated note.. there is someting wrong with my room. it's drugged or something.. every time outside i feel find.. but when i sit down on this chair.. my head starts to feel DAMN woozy.. super headache.. and my eyelids are very heavy.. im not kidding this is not a psychological thing.. i dont nkow if it's coz im beside the heater.. sigh. but it kills me. there must be drugs in the air. seriously :( :( :(
one more thing i learnt recently too.. u really are learning the entire time.. constantly.. there're so many lessons to be learnt in life. it's how much u wanna absorb.. remember.. or are willing to humble yourself to realise.. i learnt that.. i really need to keep my emotions in check. when i think i am.. im not.. sigh. calm down.
so anyways one last thing (ha. i think this is just a massive excuse not to go back to the reality of doing work. but it's ok. i like it. i hate how i regret blogging everytime i finish. but STOP IT WEILYNNN!!!!!! such an idiot really. yea. i have become so lonely that i talk to myself now.. alot.. no.. just kidding.. ok STOP. argh.
so yea. some people have been complaining.. commenting that my blog is pathetic at updating my life.. others have said that they're looking forward to seeing my pictures when i come back to singapore. unfortunately to that i can say.. i have none -_-. yea i bought a freaking lumix and i have 4 pictures of autumn leaves. not taken by me. so i decided to satisfy both groups of people with a few pictures.. and i even asked my roommate to help me take 2. one is dedicated to danielle. another i hope.. will satisfy people so much so that the requests to take pictures of my actual face. will decrease. and with this hope.. i shall post these...
my table... well.. ok other than the autumn leaves.. this and the next 2 were taken a while ago...
the SPLENDID view from my window.. hahaa but that's ok (:
my room.. as of 2 months ago.. well my side that is.. th sheets are now blue.. i have a miniature fan.. and a dark blue comforter.. no i hate blue. but i didnt wanna get black. too depressing.
(: one of the best gifts ever...
if u see your stuff on my shelf.. either.. i was too lazy to put it anywhere.. or u are very much treasured.. (: (: (:
dee/sarah/meixi.. i think i used to do this to one of u in vj.. or all of u.. with hand semi-rotating from side to side..
AND NOW FOR THE FINALE...
dee this is for u.. ur common face.. somehow. u look way better.. and sigh. something which i regret taking already..
PS: grace and nette and alicia.. the cd u guys gave me is on my shelf.. but hidden.. i just rmembered its existence.. thank u.. i am so undeserving.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
i didnt expect that. but thank you for it.
let me just say something. i take a lot of pride in the fact that im an an saf scholar. not pride in myself, but as a representation of the organisation.
it doesnt matter what i say. whether im worried. whatever. ive accepted it and am only gonna look forward. if i hadnt gone in since january, i wont really be who i am today either. and i owe it to them to do well. im gonna make it worth their while.
not gonna say much more. coz this issue with blogs is pretty sensitive. but yea.
and people who dont know me, dont know the other saf girls. im sorry but you dont have the right to prejudge us at all.
let me just say something. i take a lot of pride in the fact that im an an saf scholar. not pride in myself, but as a representation of the organisation.
it doesnt matter what i say. whether im worried. whatever. ive accepted it and am only gonna look forward. if i hadnt gone in since january, i wont really be who i am today either. and i owe it to them to do well. im gonna make it worth their while.
not gonna say much more. coz this issue with blogs is pretty sensitive. but yea.
and people who dont know me, dont know the other saf girls. im sorry but you dont have the right to prejudge us at all.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Amazing Love
I'm forgiven
because you were forsaken
I'm accepted,
you were condemned
I'm alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again
Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do, to honor you
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
I'm forgiven
because you were forsaken
I'm accepted,
you were condemned
I'm alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again
Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do, to honor you
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
Thursday, October 26, 2006
sigh. i have a political science term paper due on friday on the history of a bill.. which has so much to do.. it's wed 945 pm now.. but i cant be bothered to do it.. i am gonna try to throw all caution to the wind.. and just write freely.. i just need to write.. i need somewhere to put down all my thoughts coz they're exploding inside me now.. but yet.. i dont know what to say..
i was looking through my friendster testimonials.. i dont know.. maybe i just feel kinda lonely.. i miss people.. i miss home.. and i realised.. i think i have changed a lot.. i used to be so crazy.. had some semblance of character.. had some brains.. had quite a wide social network.. and i think i used to be happy with myself. or at least i never thought about it.. but i changed. and the difference shows.. in my testimonials i think.. i just changed. and honestly.. i really dont like the person ive become. i think.. i've just become so quiet.. complete lack of confidence or self-esteem.. pessimistic.. i dunno.. just.. negative stuff. and looking at myself.. i just really dont like what i've become.
and.. i've just been looking at the transition.. from mg.. to jc.. to army.. all three periods.. were so different.. and it hink army just represented that complete break from the past.. it's like i can just never return to what i was before.. and.. looking back.. i dont like who i was in army. i dont know. i think i worked my ass off.. tried to just do my best.. and.. i think i just tahaned quite a bit of shit too. i dont know... i just really.. dont like the person ive become. i dont know whether its part of growing up.. or because the realities of the world.. are just being presented more to me each day.. i dont know.
in university now. even more so, i really dont know the person i am. i just dont know myself anymore. i dont know how to speak. behave. what to do. once upon a time, i actually had something called charisma. that is all but gone now. i know u should never look back.. but i think ive just become a shadow of my former self.
i find it difficult to relate with people. i dont know why... i miss my friends.. friends that i dont know why i just felt so comfortable with.. life just seemed to have so much colour.. and it became so black and white.
when kristin passed... i thought.. wow. you know. it really puts things into perspective.. like how precious life is.. and o man.. i really really do miss kristin... i miss all the shit we did together.. i remember once on the plane to england.. she suddenly turned to me and asked me.. whether she could stick with me and alicia.. and that kinda touched me like really coz she would never ask that.. and i remember.. i cried buckets. when i went for her service.. and saw that the bear i gave her.. she kept it til the end.. sigh. :'(
i dont know.. im only 18.. but i just dont like what i see in the future.. the world just seems so damn cold and cut-throatish and damn superficial. and i think honestly after sec 3 i really really lost the ability to be happy again. to just be truly happy.
now that im living my 'dream', i find that this dream..not that much of a dream after all.. u know what i mean? it's just a reality. haha. a sudden thought - maybe this is becaue guys started to exist more in my world.. well not specifically in my world because i dont have many close guy friends.. but like. i have been 'exposed' to them more. and they have caused this destruction! but of course not.... i better not think this. i've jut signed 10 years of my life to be surrounded by them.
something someone said to me that day.. i took slight offence to. or rather, it kinda annoyed me. this place is not safe, so i shall try to codify this.. something along the likes of.. hope u're not feeling like.. u cannot be compared to someone coz the she's very popular with the guys and as for u, u have no news. hahahaaa.. such a childish thing right. i dont know. as much as i would like to say no.. i do care about what people think of me. but when i heard that i was like. what the hell. i am not that pathetic as to give a shit!!!! come on man. i honestly thought over it carefully and it was seriously like i give a SHIT! o man. it just annoys me that there could even be a possibility of that. if im not attractive, that is my problem. if im attractive, that is not ur problem. i dont know. i digress.
someone told me too... that maybe.. i should try to change a bit.. be more sociable.. make an effort to join in more.. talk more.. whatever. i know it's good intentions. but that's not how i am. i dont like to join in conversations which i have absolute no interest in or nothing to contribute. i cannot laugh fakely. i can only laugh when i find something truly genuinely hilarious. i like to get to know people one-on-one. and i make an effort to know people.. not coz i should not because i wanna fit in, but becaues i am genuinely interested in them. it just makes me.. annoyed how superficial everything is.. and then it is assumed that i would want to fit into that mould. i wont. i will never change myself to make things seem 'better'.. to seem more 'sociable'. im sorry. i cant be anything different.
someone said to me today about religon.. people only seem to go to religon in times of crisis.. and when bad things happen.. they blame it on God... i thought about it.. the former.. is very very true for me.. i realised. i am absolutely guilty of God. til now. til today. i can still say, i am unsure of God's existence. somewhere inside i think.. i truly believe he is there. but i stil have so many doubts. but i realised.. i dont blame shit on god. i blame it all on myself. i never blame others ever... not coz im some saintly crap, but i just am so used to blaming shit on myself. like. o man i deserve this shit. or whatever. (wow. i really sound liek a damn bimbo in the last few sentences). i dont know. i really dont know.
the comments some people have made to me.. have just been quite saddening. hahaa. i wish i wasnt so like vulnerable-ish man. right now. i am trying to make up for my studies - i am not gonna do well this semester i know it. until i heal myself. until i settle that. what do i do? im so tired of it. it's just been too long. turn to god? how? i've been listening to christian songs for the past few hours...after dinner i just slept.. slept slept.. i just didnt wanna wake up at all... after that.. i felt kinda better.. i feel better typing this.. still sad.
it infuriates me. it infuriates me how people can dare to do things which seem so great, respectable, compassionate, whatever, and then all for hte sake of claiming a shitload of credit for it.
i was reading caroline's testimonial. and i think.. that's so accurate. but unfortunately, line, i think im going downhill rather than up. hahaa i dont think people look up to me or 'adore' me anymore. i am just.. not in one bit adorable. i dont know. i honestly believe i have lost any character. and like. in a way. i have lost myself. hahaa and i cant believe i am starting to tear up. i was when i was talking about kristin. now i think im just sad how everything has turned out.
hahaaa. i know. i sound so chlidish.. and o please.. she's only 18.. or o please.. the world is full of starving people or whatever. yea u're right. coz i think about that too. liek when i read someone who's so damn full of self-pity for him or herself over something seemingly so stupid. like shut up already man u ungrateful piece of crap. but yea. u know. sometimes. just need to vent.
someone just msged me on msn.. hahaa it amazes me... when i still find out i matter to people.. coz i feel like.. the whole world has moved on without me. somehow.
anyways just wanna say somethings to some people.. who might or might not read this...
bao en - i really respect you man. hahaa even though we didnt really get the chance to speak much or whatever... i just cant express too much how proud i am of how u're doing... sigh. unfortunately there is no english substitution for jiayou.. so yea jiayou man bao en (: i think im just so proud of how far u've come since wocc that sometimes it confuses me with jealousy, or envy. but i could never be, coz i really genuinely want u to succeed and do well we're in this together man!
wan ling - hahaa.. i think we're quite different in character.. but yea.. i cannot wait to spent winterbreak together.. great girl.. great great asset to the navy.. intelligent.. (: im glad.. that we made this together.
sabsay - my best friend in primary school. we did so so so much stupid stuff together. we havent spoken for a while.. but yea really man. in a way.. we'll be like.. best friends forever. argh so mushy and corny.. but really man really.
kristin - i suddenly miss you.. a lot.
my mg friends... the whole gang.. xue ai, cat, manda, germ, alicia, sab, maggot, myra, denise.. hope i didnt leave out people.. - i really miss the days of just absolute freedom where everything was so innocent... miss all of u more than u'll ever know.
grace and nette - grace.. hahaa thank you thank you for ur endless words of encouragement... nette.. im glad u've just supporting me during mg... esp jc.. sigh. miss hanging out with u guys man.
to my vj friends.. sarah.dee.meixi.hazel.mel.diana - u made me believe in the world again. believe that goodness exists.. seriously.. as corny as that sounds. and i treasured.. and still treasure this friendship a lot.. sigh. i really miss you guys...
my family... there's nothing more important than blood there really isnt.. it doesnt matter how many arguments.. how much shit.. how many police visits.. how much chaos.. havoc.. it's kinda weird.. but i would die for them man. i really would. sounds freaking childish. but SO WHAT. who gives a shit. i hope none of them reads this. i will. i WILL. melt and die.
and.. there is none like you.
sometimes.. it irritates me that coz of my absolute hate of taking pictures.. there's hardly any memories of my life... but i managed to find some.. pictures that matter. (:
daddy, me, bro. i miss birthdays... when we were so young and innocent.. i've never really celebrated my birthday after that.. it's hilarious.. it was so routine.. like birthday.. buy cake.. sing.. hahahaa.. eat cake.. sigh. hilarious. o man :'( :'( i really want to go home.. now... :'(:'(:'( my birthday is coming up... i think im spending it alone. hahaa. i just miss how hilarious and innocent things used to be.. :'(,br>
me :D
why.. why!! hahaa i think when i was young i actually had SOME potential to look ok. sigh. something bad must have happened in between.. and it did.. and o man.. my eyes were bigger. haha why why are they so pathetic now! actually i know why. i mean eyeballs dont grow right. but my face did. sigh.
my sister
mother father
brother.. hahaa i miss how mch.. 'closer' we used to be...
my dad and sis.. i love this pic.. :( everything i love makes me sad...
MG DAYS.. it's so sad i was looking through all my few mg pics.. and i never really found.. a proper picture which we took.. which i was in.. but it doesnt matter.. as long as i can remember my friends... (:
weird. i dont remember ever looking like this
and.. vj days...
the early days.. with dee and sarah... wonder what they thought of me then.. (: and check out the hair!!! it's... well.. longER.
my favourites (:(:(
daryl nette and i.. during army days.. but o well.. vj friends (:
army.. honestly.. i have mixed feelings about army days.. somehow.. i dont know whether i turned into a wworse person.. myself.. i really dont know. i hope not. but.. i cant get out of it. i kinda live army now. even though i was in there for short. havent been to unit. somehow it's just quite a big part of who i am now.
daryl and i. i actually look really happy here. im glad. hahaa i just realised again really that im definitely not the best looking person in the world. i have a slightly constipated smile. and when i dont smile, i just look retarded. but who gives a shit right. hahaa. i used to think hey. maybe it's coz i just dont photograph well. i dont know how to 'work' the camera. but i have realised that actually. it's just how i look. hahaaa.. o man. but yea ok. that's fine. (:
beloved baoen
lta allen
cpt seah
suddenly.. that PS paper.. doesnt seem so important anymore... studies seem like nothing.. the only reason why i want to do well is coz i have a moral obligation to do so.. i guess ive been suckered up into the singaporean ideal of getting 4.0. and i know i never will. i dont want to. i just want to apologise to my teachers for not attending class. i just dont want to do anything 'wrong' and get good grades to get by, to get into grad school, to not be unfair to myself. i will be prob stressed later over my paper, coz there's no way i can hand it up on time. but so what. i'll worry about that later.. (:
i realised in a way.. even if im sad for the rest of my life.. it doesnt matter.. does it? coz after going through all my photos and stuff.. i realised how how lucky i am to have met everyone i have met.. it's really really the people around u who matter.. it's so cliche.. but to see them happy.. just makes me freaking damn happy.. so bye wei lynn. go rot in hell. as long as everyone's in heaven. that's great. ha. i dont know. but really. sigh you guys are missed. really really missed.
im gonna try to make the best of what i can. i dont know.. i guess all i want is to just.. become a better person. that's just what i've always wanted... but i just feel like im disintegrating second by second.. but.. i guess.. im gonna try. try to make things good for myself. for once. come on wei lynn. u can do it.
the thing is i know.. when i leave this room again.. when i return to the real world.. out of my thoughts now.. i will forget this.. i will again.. just be caught up in everything that exists. but i will try man. try to make an effort to remember this.
sometimes when i know some of my peers.. females.. people my age.. see all the fun they're having.. with all their girl friends.. guy friends.. going out.. i dun know.. just doing such 18-year-old female stuff. dont know whether im missing out on something. but i dont think so at all. like i'll prob feel this again. but.. i think im ok with how things turned out.. i mean.. yea. cant compare. right? hahaa sometimes i wonder what it would be like.. if i was just more.. like.. more feminine. more of a person. i think i am a bit weird right now. quite alien-ish. hahaa but im quite sure.. i will never dress up, never put on makeup. whatever shit. look good. i used to think i was wasting my youth away. but i realised i am just like that. so yea. take it or leave it man.
this is such a longwinded post. but i dont care. it is meant for my eyes. meant for my venting.. meant for my reaffirmation.. (:
i was looking through my friendster testimonials.. i dont know.. maybe i just feel kinda lonely.. i miss people.. i miss home.. and i realised.. i think i have changed a lot.. i used to be so crazy.. had some semblance of character.. had some brains.. had quite a wide social network.. and i think i used to be happy with myself. or at least i never thought about it.. but i changed. and the difference shows.. in my testimonials i think.. i just changed. and honestly.. i really dont like the person ive become. i think.. i've just become so quiet.. complete lack of confidence or self-esteem.. pessimistic.. i dunno.. just.. negative stuff. and looking at myself.. i just really dont like what i've become.
and.. i've just been looking at the transition.. from mg.. to jc.. to army.. all three periods.. were so different.. and it hink army just represented that complete break from the past.. it's like i can just never return to what i was before.. and.. looking back.. i dont like who i was in army. i dont know. i think i worked my ass off.. tried to just do my best.. and.. i think i just tahaned quite a bit of shit too. i dont know... i just really.. dont like the person ive become. i dont know whether its part of growing up.. or because the realities of the world.. are just being presented more to me each day.. i dont know.
in university now. even more so, i really dont know the person i am. i just dont know myself anymore. i dont know how to speak. behave. what to do. once upon a time, i actually had something called charisma. that is all but gone now. i know u should never look back.. but i think ive just become a shadow of my former self.
i find it difficult to relate with people. i dont know why... i miss my friends.. friends that i dont know why i just felt so comfortable with.. life just seemed to have so much colour.. and it became so black and white.
when kristin passed... i thought.. wow. you know. it really puts things into perspective.. like how precious life is.. and o man.. i really really do miss kristin... i miss all the shit we did together.. i remember once on the plane to england.. she suddenly turned to me and asked me.. whether she could stick with me and alicia.. and that kinda touched me like really coz she would never ask that.. and i remember.. i cried buckets. when i went for her service.. and saw that the bear i gave her.. she kept it til the end.. sigh. :'(
i dont know.. im only 18.. but i just dont like what i see in the future.. the world just seems so damn cold and cut-throatish and damn superficial. and i think honestly after sec 3 i really really lost the ability to be happy again. to just be truly happy.
now that im living my 'dream', i find that this dream..not that much of a dream after all.. u know what i mean? it's just a reality. haha. a sudden thought - maybe this is becaue guys started to exist more in my world.. well not specifically in my world because i dont have many close guy friends.. but like. i have been 'exposed' to them more. and they have caused this destruction! but of course not.... i better not think this. i've jut signed 10 years of my life to be surrounded by them.
something someone said to me that day.. i took slight offence to. or rather, it kinda annoyed me. this place is not safe, so i shall try to codify this.. something along the likes of.. hope u're not feeling like.. u cannot be compared to someone coz the she's very popular with the guys and as for u, u have no news. hahahaaa.. such a childish thing right. i dont know. as much as i would like to say no.. i do care about what people think of me. but when i heard that i was like. what the hell. i am not that pathetic as to give a shit!!!! come on man. i honestly thought over it carefully and it was seriously like i give a SHIT! o man. it just annoys me that there could even be a possibility of that. if im not attractive, that is my problem. if im attractive, that is not ur problem. i dont know. i digress.
someone told me too... that maybe.. i should try to change a bit.. be more sociable.. make an effort to join in more.. talk more.. whatever. i know it's good intentions. but that's not how i am. i dont like to join in conversations which i have absolute no interest in or nothing to contribute. i cannot laugh fakely. i can only laugh when i find something truly genuinely hilarious. i like to get to know people one-on-one. and i make an effort to know people.. not coz i should not because i wanna fit in, but becaues i am genuinely interested in them. it just makes me.. annoyed how superficial everything is.. and then it is assumed that i would want to fit into that mould. i wont. i will never change myself to make things seem 'better'.. to seem more 'sociable'. im sorry. i cant be anything different.
someone said to me today about religon.. people only seem to go to religon in times of crisis.. and when bad things happen.. they blame it on God... i thought about it.. the former.. is very very true for me.. i realised. i am absolutely guilty of God. til now. til today. i can still say, i am unsure of God's existence. somewhere inside i think.. i truly believe he is there. but i stil have so many doubts. but i realised.. i dont blame shit on god. i blame it all on myself. i never blame others ever... not coz im some saintly crap, but i just am so used to blaming shit on myself. like. o man i deserve this shit. or whatever. (wow. i really sound liek a damn bimbo in the last few sentences). i dont know. i really dont know.
the comments some people have made to me.. have just been quite saddening. hahaa. i wish i wasnt so like vulnerable-ish man. right now. i am trying to make up for my studies - i am not gonna do well this semester i know it. until i heal myself. until i settle that. what do i do? im so tired of it. it's just been too long. turn to god? how? i've been listening to christian songs for the past few hours...after dinner i just slept.. slept slept.. i just didnt wanna wake up at all... after that.. i felt kinda better.. i feel better typing this.. still sad.
it infuriates me. it infuriates me how people can dare to do things which seem so great, respectable, compassionate, whatever, and then all for hte sake of claiming a shitload of credit for it.
i was reading caroline's testimonial. and i think.. that's so accurate. but unfortunately, line, i think im going downhill rather than up. hahaa i dont think people look up to me or 'adore' me anymore. i am just.. not in one bit adorable. i dont know. i honestly believe i have lost any character. and like. in a way. i have lost myself. hahaa and i cant believe i am starting to tear up. i was when i was talking about kristin. now i think im just sad how everything has turned out.
hahaaa. i know. i sound so chlidish.. and o please.. she's only 18.. or o please.. the world is full of starving people or whatever. yea u're right. coz i think about that too. liek when i read someone who's so damn full of self-pity for him or herself over something seemingly so stupid. like shut up already man u ungrateful piece of crap. but yea. u know. sometimes. just need to vent.
someone just msged me on msn.. hahaa it amazes me... when i still find out i matter to people.. coz i feel like.. the whole world has moved on without me. somehow.
anyways just wanna say somethings to some people.. who might or might not read this...
bao en - i really respect you man. hahaa even though we didnt really get the chance to speak much or whatever... i just cant express too much how proud i am of how u're doing... sigh. unfortunately there is no english substitution for jiayou.. so yea jiayou man bao en (: i think im just so proud of how far u've come since wocc that sometimes it confuses me with jealousy, or envy. but i could never be, coz i really genuinely want u to succeed and do well we're in this together man!
wan ling - hahaa.. i think we're quite different in character.. but yea.. i cannot wait to spent winterbreak together.. great girl.. great great asset to the navy.. intelligent.. (: im glad.. that we made this together.
sabsay - my best friend in primary school. we did so so so much stupid stuff together. we havent spoken for a while.. but yea really man. in a way.. we'll be like.. best friends forever. argh so mushy and corny.. but really man really.
kristin - i suddenly miss you.. a lot.
my mg friends... the whole gang.. xue ai, cat, manda, germ, alicia, sab, maggot, myra, denise.. hope i didnt leave out people.. - i really miss the days of just absolute freedom where everything was so innocent... miss all of u more than u'll ever know.
grace and nette - grace.. hahaa thank you thank you for ur endless words of encouragement... nette.. im glad u've just supporting me during mg... esp jc.. sigh. miss hanging out with u guys man.
to my vj friends.. sarah.dee.meixi.hazel.mel.diana - u made me believe in the world again. believe that goodness exists.. seriously.. as corny as that sounds. and i treasured.. and still treasure this friendship a lot.. sigh. i really miss you guys...
my family... there's nothing more important than blood there really isnt.. it doesnt matter how many arguments.. how much shit.. how many police visits.. how much chaos.. havoc.. it's kinda weird.. but i would die for them man. i really would. sounds freaking childish. but SO WHAT. who gives a shit. i hope none of them reads this. i will. i WILL. melt and die.
and.. there is none like you.
sometimes.. it irritates me that coz of my absolute hate of taking pictures.. there's hardly any memories of my life... but i managed to find some.. pictures that matter. (:
daddy, me, bro. i miss birthdays... when we were so young and innocent.. i've never really celebrated my birthday after that.. it's hilarious.. it was so routine.. like birthday.. buy cake.. sing.. hahahaa.. eat cake.. sigh. hilarious. o man :'( :'( i really want to go home.. now... :'(:'(:'( my birthday is coming up... i think im spending it alone. hahaa. i just miss how hilarious and innocent things used to be.. :'(,br>
me :D
why.. why!! hahaa i think when i was young i actually had SOME potential to look ok. sigh. something bad must have happened in between.. and it did.. and o man.. my eyes were bigger. haha why why are they so pathetic now! actually i know why. i mean eyeballs dont grow right. but my face did. sigh.
my sister
mother father
brother.. hahaa i miss how mch.. 'closer' we used to be...
my dad and sis.. i love this pic.. :( everything i love makes me sad...
MG DAYS.. it's so sad i was looking through all my few mg pics.. and i never really found.. a proper picture which we took.. which i was in.. but it doesnt matter.. as long as i can remember my friends... (:
weird. i dont remember ever looking like this
and.. vj days...
the early days.. with dee and sarah... wonder what they thought of me then.. (: and check out the hair!!! it's... well.. longER.
my favourites (:(:(
daryl nette and i.. during army days.. but o well.. vj friends (:
army.. honestly.. i have mixed feelings about army days.. somehow.. i dont know whether i turned into a wworse person.. myself.. i really dont know. i hope not. but.. i cant get out of it. i kinda live army now. even though i was in there for short. havent been to unit. somehow it's just quite a big part of who i am now.
daryl and i. i actually look really happy here. im glad. hahaa i just realised again really that im definitely not the best looking person in the world. i have a slightly constipated smile. and when i dont smile, i just look retarded. but who gives a shit right. hahaa. i used to think hey. maybe it's coz i just dont photograph well. i dont know how to 'work' the camera. but i have realised that actually. it's just how i look. hahaaa.. o man. but yea ok. that's fine. (:
beloved baoen
lta allen
cpt seah
suddenly.. that PS paper.. doesnt seem so important anymore... studies seem like nothing.. the only reason why i want to do well is coz i have a moral obligation to do so.. i guess ive been suckered up into the singaporean ideal of getting 4.0. and i know i never will. i dont want to. i just want to apologise to my teachers for not attending class. i just dont want to do anything 'wrong' and get good grades to get by, to get into grad school, to not be unfair to myself. i will be prob stressed later over my paper, coz there's no way i can hand it up on time. but so what. i'll worry about that later.. (:
i realised in a way.. even if im sad for the rest of my life.. it doesnt matter.. does it? coz after going through all my photos and stuff.. i realised how how lucky i am to have met everyone i have met.. it's really really the people around u who matter.. it's so cliche.. but to see them happy.. just makes me freaking damn happy.. so bye wei lynn. go rot in hell. as long as everyone's in heaven. that's great. ha. i dont know. but really. sigh you guys are missed. really really missed.
im gonna try to make the best of what i can. i dont know.. i guess all i want is to just.. become a better person. that's just what i've always wanted... but i just feel like im disintegrating second by second.. but.. i guess.. im gonna try. try to make things good for myself. for once. come on wei lynn. u can do it.
the thing is i know.. when i leave this room again.. when i return to the real world.. out of my thoughts now.. i will forget this.. i will again.. just be caught up in everything that exists. but i will try man. try to make an effort to remember this.
sometimes when i know some of my peers.. females.. people my age.. see all the fun they're having.. with all their girl friends.. guy friends.. going out.. i dun know.. just doing such 18-year-old female stuff. dont know whether im missing out on something. but i dont think so at all. like i'll prob feel this again. but.. i think im ok with how things turned out.. i mean.. yea. cant compare. right? hahaa sometimes i wonder what it would be like.. if i was just more.. like.. more feminine. more of a person. i think i am a bit weird right now. quite alien-ish. hahaa but im quite sure.. i will never dress up, never put on makeup. whatever shit. look good. i used to think i was wasting my youth away. but i realised i am just like that. so yea. take it or leave it man.
this is such a longwinded post. but i dont care. it is meant for my eyes. meant for my venting.. meant for my reaffirmation.. (:
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
from my friend and fellow sms and asset to the navy... tungwanling...
whom i am very grateful for exists... (:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things
that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
sighhhh... i can uber stressed now. ok was uber stressed coz there was so much shit to do.. but no! suddenly i feel like i am embracing this shitload of papers on my table! i LOVEEEEE the japanese essay that im doing now.. yea ok not really.. but i er. dont hate it. that. much. hahaaa
sigh. if things haven been that great.. hey man relaxxxxx wei lynn. it's the first sem. adjustment! right! and other things u need ot sort out.. which u will. u have like two months. come on man u can do it!!!!!!
sigh sigh sigh... i am crazeeeeee... i am one fortunate piece of crap. seriously. i dont even deserve to be here. and yet i am. and then i still let all this negative stuff.. grow.. and grow.. and grow.. what the heck!!!!!! sigh.
life is great man.
life is great.
life is great.
am gonna try to treasure every day and even doing homework and term papers. and studying. next sem. i cant wait for next sem. there're so many things i wanna do...
ok prob like 2 hours later this will fizzle out and i'll be like what the hell..but hey man. let the happiness last..
anyone reading this.. CHEER UP.everything will work out (: i suddenly feel like blogging a whole long crappy essay.. but im not sure whether it's coz i feel like writing.. talking crap.. or coz im trying to avoid my work at this horribly early hour of 2 am... sigh. before i leak out anymore information which i will regret.. i will stop now... good night!
damn! hahahaaa... i love being a siao charbo. wow. what an uneloquent sentence. but who gives a crap man. i am singaporean. i can say whatever i want. have to be proud of our heritage. of hokkien. broken english. whatever. it's like a melting pot of everything. i love it!!!!
note: i wish i could express my feelings without swearing. but it's tough. we need to create more words of intensity/jubilation/ultimate ultimate tragedy
whom i am very grateful for exists... (:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things
that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
sighhhh... i can uber stressed now. ok was uber stressed coz there was so much shit to do.. but no! suddenly i feel like i am embracing this shitload of papers on my table! i LOVEEEEE the japanese essay that im doing now.. yea ok not really.. but i er. dont hate it. that. much. hahaaa
sigh. if things haven been that great.. hey man relaxxxxx wei lynn. it's the first sem. adjustment! right! and other things u need ot sort out.. which u will. u have like two months. come on man u can do it!!!!!!
sigh sigh sigh... i am crazeeeeee... i am one fortunate piece of crap. seriously. i dont even deserve to be here. and yet i am. and then i still let all this negative stuff.. grow.. and grow.. and grow.. what the heck!!!!!! sigh.
life is great man.
life is great.
life is great.
am gonna try to treasure every day and even doing homework and term papers. and studying. next sem. i cant wait for next sem. there're so many things i wanna do...
ok prob like 2 hours later this will fizzle out and i'll be like what the hell..but hey man. let the happiness last..
anyone reading this.. CHEER UP.everything will work out (: i suddenly feel like blogging a whole long crappy essay.. but im not sure whether it's coz i feel like writing.. talking crap.. or coz im trying to avoid my work at this horribly early hour of 2 am... sigh. before i leak out anymore information which i will regret.. i will stop now... good night!
damn! hahahaaa... i love being a siao charbo. wow. what an uneloquent sentence. but who gives a crap man. i am singaporean. i can say whatever i want. have to be proud of our heritage. of hokkien. broken english. whatever. it's like a melting pot of everything. i love it!!!!
note: i wish i could express my feelings without swearing. but it's tough. we need to create more words of intensity/jubilation/ultimate ultimate tragedy
Sunday, October 22, 2006
hello my fav SCE person...
this is a codified message for u.. hahaa yes im pretty damn sure we're talking about the same thing.. u know it's difficult for me to read ur blog now coz i keep thinking.. what am i missing out on.. and at the same time.. what the heck am i going back into.. hahaa sigh.. i wished i had stayed on with u guys.. and the big day is coming soon. im so so proud of u man!! congrats (: let me know how all the scholarship stuff is going yea... (:
and yea.. im worried.. big time. i dont want to be treated or seen like an incompetent idiot.. i just dont know how things are going to be.. sometimes i wonder why i didnt choose an 'easier way out'... but i had a four hour car ride just now and i was thinking about it.. and watching our wei zi ji feng kuang (hurhurhur) video on my laptop.. and listening to 'every ___________ son' over and over again. hahahahaa yea i know i am extremely crazy, and slightly retarded. but.. i think.. honestly.. in a way we're really lucky to have this 'challenge'.. and i was thinking about other things in the outside world.. and i think i would have an even harder time.. accepting doing anything else.. so yea embrace this challenge man!! haha as u have been.
of course im still worried.. but u know.. things will work out in the end they always do. and i believe ur time now.. even if u're stressed.. whatever.. i mean.. i believe u're gaining a shitload too man. so yea...
i think sometimes it's really kinda difficult.. coz u dont really have anyone to talk to who is in this position.. be it guys.. or girls.. or whatever.. but it's ok. u have me. and i have u. hahahahaa.. so yea! if anything.. just email me.. whatever.. i'll see u soon man. in the meantime.. continue having fun ground-digging. i know u am man. take care (:
me
this is a codified message for u.. hahaa yes im pretty damn sure we're talking about the same thing.. u know it's difficult for me to read ur blog now coz i keep thinking.. what am i missing out on.. and at the same time.. what the heck am i going back into.. hahaa sigh.. i wished i had stayed on with u guys.. and the big day is coming soon. im so so proud of u man!! congrats (: let me know how all the scholarship stuff is going yea... (:
and yea.. im worried.. big time. i dont want to be treated or seen like an incompetent idiot.. i just dont know how things are going to be.. sometimes i wonder why i didnt choose an 'easier way out'... but i had a four hour car ride just now and i was thinking about it.. and watching our wei zi ji feng kuang (hurhurhur) video on my laptop.. and listening to 'every ___________ son' over and over again. hahahahaa yea i know i am extremely crazy, and slightly retarded. but.. i think.. honestly.. in a way we're really lucky to have this 'challenge'.. and i was thinking about other things in the outside world.. and i think i would have an even harder time.. accepting doing anything else.. so yea embrace this challenge man!! haha as u have been.
of course im still worried.. but u know.. things will work out in the end they always do. and i believe ur time now.. even if u're stressed.. whatever.. i mean.. i believe u're gaining a shitload too man. so yea...
i think sometimes it's really kinda difficult.. coz u dont really have anyone to talk to who is in this position.. be it guys.. or girls.. or whatever.. but it's ok. u have me. and i have u. hahahahaa.. so yea! if anything.. just email me.. whatever.. i'll see u soon man. in the meantime.. continue having fun ground-digging. i know u am man. take care (:
me
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
im supposed to be doing some japanese culture readings and at least 2 essays. but i just cant get down to it...
was talking to one of my ex company mates online.. and.. sigh. i think. i really was very idealistic. like.. u know those fairytales where good always triumphs over evil even though.. there're so many obstacles and it doesnt seem likely.. but i dont think it's the same in real life.. i dont know.. i hold this extremely cynical view towards the world.. but i always believe at the end of the day... er... yea good will triumph over evil.
sigh. i think.. i dont know. it makes me sad to think that people might view me as a fool.. with merely idealistic words to offer.. and offer me mere sympathy and not anything else. or maybe. everyone just has different opinions i dunno.
honestly. honestly. it scares the shit out of me. sometimes im not sure what ive gotten myself into.
was talking to one of my ex company mates online.. and.. sigh. i think. i really was very idealistic. like.. u know those fairytales where good always triumphs over evil even though.. there're so many obstacles and it doesnt seem likely.. but i dont think it's the same in real life.. i dont know.. i hold this extremely cynical view towards the world.. but i always believe at the end of the day... er... yea good will triumph over evil.
sigh. i think.. i dont know. it makes me sad to think that people might view me as a fool.. with merely idealistic words to offer.. and offer me mere sympathy and not anything else. or maybe. everyone just has different opinions i dunno.
honestly. honestly. it scares the shit out of me. sometimes im not sure what ive gotten myself into.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
ok. time to blog. i havent for so long even though i have a shitload of things waiting to be called to my attention.. im pushing them aside for now.. just like i have for the past 3 days. procrastination. sigh. it's really a love-hate relationship... u love love love to procrastinate but yet when push comes to shove it just ends up screwing u so damn bad.
sigh. on another note. i really need to change my language. ok i'll try to speak more.. lightly.. 'elegantly'..
things have been.. i dont know. im terrible. i cannot update my life. coz i dont know what to talk about what not to. i dunno what to say and what not to. i think my lack of ability.. or lack of want.. to express myself is going to lose me friends over the course of four years.
after all.. when u first leave.. people remember u.. but after a while.. if they dont know what's going on in your life.. you know.. you really really do lead separate lives.. basically i become non-existant. which i pretty much am right now.
i try to think of how i can just talk about my life now. but i cant. so all i can hope is. it wont come back and haunt me. i think i sound pretty crazy huh. mmm.. just thinking. nothing much.
and.. my parents ask me to come back to singapore end year.. but im not sure if i want to pay threefreakingthousand. and.. ive already been making plans.. sigh.. i dunno.. it's not like should i stay or should i go.. it's should i go to _______ or should i go to ======.
how? ________ or ======. sigh.
sigh. on another note. i really need to change my language. ok i'll try to speak more.. lightly.. 'elegantly'..
things have been.. i dont know. im terrible. i cannot update my life. coz i dont know what to talk about what not to. i dunno what to say and what not to. i think my lack of ability.. or lack of want.. to express myself is going to lose me friends over the course of four years.
after all.. when u first leave.. people remember u.. but after a while.. if they dont know what's going on in your life.. you know.. you really really do lead separate lives.. basically i become non-existant. which i pretty much am right now.
i try to think of how i can just talk about my life now. but i cant. so all i can hope is. it wont come back and haunt me. i think i sound pretty crazy huh. mmm.. just thinking. nothing much.
and.. my parents ask me to come back to singapore end year.. but im not sure if i want to pay threefreakingthousand. and.. ive already been making plans.. sigh.. i dunno.. it's not like should i stay or should i go.. it's should i go to _______ or should i go to ======.
how? ________ or ======. sigh.
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