i was looking through my friendster testimonials.. i dont know.. maybe i just feel kinda lonely.. i miss people.. i miss home.. and i realised.. i think i have changed a lot.. i used to be so crazy.. had some semblance of character.. had some brains.. had quite a wide social network.. and i think i used to be happy with myself. or at least i never thought about it.. but i changed. and the difference shows.. in my testimonials i think.. i just changed. and honestly.. i really dont like the person ive become. i think.. i've just become so quiet.. complete lack of confidence or self-esteem.. pessimistic.. i dunno.. just.. negative stuff. and looking at myself.. i just really dont like what i've become.
and.. i've just been looking at the transition.. from mg.. to jc.. to army.. all three periods.. were so different.. and it hink army just represented that complete break from the past.. it's like i can just never return to what i was before.. and.. looking back.. i dont like who i was in army. i dont know. i think i worked my ass off.. tried to just do my best.. and.. i think i just tahaned quite a bit of shit too. i dont know... i just really.. dont like the person ive become. i dont know whether its part of growing up.. or because the realities of the world.. are just being presented more to me each day.. i dont know.
in university now. even more so, i really dont know the person i am. i just dont know myself anymore. i dont know how to speak. behave. what to do. once upon a time, i actually had something called charisma. that is all but gone now. i know u should never look back.. but i think ive just become a shadow of my former self.
i find it difficult to relate with people. i dont know why... i miss my friends.. friends that i dont know why i just felt so comfortable with.. life just seemed to have so much colour.. and it became so black and white.
when kristin passed... i thought.. wow. you know. it really puts things into perspective.. like how precious life is.. and o man.. i really really do miss kristin... i miss all the shit we did together.. i remember once on the plane to england.. she suddenly turned to me and asked me.. whether she could stick with me and alicia.. and that kinda touched me like really coz she would never ask that.. and i remember.. i cried buckets. when i went for her service.. and saw that the bear i gave her.. she kept it til the end.. sigh. :'(
i dont know.. im only 18.. but i just dont like what i see in the future.. the world just seems so damn cold and cut-throatish and damn superficial. and i think honestly after sec 3 i really really lost the ability to be happy again. to just be truly happy.
now that im living my 'dream', i find that this dream..not that much of a dream after all.. u know what i mean? it's just a reality. haha. a sudden thought - maybe this is becaue guys started to exist more in my world.. well not specifically in my world because i dont have many close guy friends.. but like. i have been 'exposed' to them more. and they have caused this destruction! but of course not.... i better not think this. i've jut signed 10 years of my life to be surrounded by them.
something someone said to me that day.. i took slight offence to. or rather, it kinda annoyed me. this place is not safe, so i shall try to codify this.. something along the likes of.. hope u're not feeling like.. u cannot be compared to someone coz the she's very popular with the guys and as for u, u have no news. hahahaaa.. such a childish thing right. i dont know. as much as i would like to say no.. i do care about what people think of me. but when i heard that i was like. what the hell. i am not that pathetic as to give a shit!!!! come on man. i honestly thought over it carefully and it was seriously like i give a SHIT! o man. it just annoys me that there could even be a possibility of that. if im not attractive, that is my problem. if im attractive, that is not ur problem. i dont know. i digress.
someone told me too... that maybe.. i should try to change a bit.. be more sociable.. make an effort to join in more.. talk more.. whatever. i know it's good intentions. but that's not how i am. i dont like to join in conversations which i have absolute no interest in or nothing to contribute. i cannot laugh fakely. i can only laugh when i find something truly genuinely hilarious. i like to get to know people one-on-one. and i make an effort to know people.. not coz i should not because i wanna fit in, but becaues i am genuinely interested in them. it just makes me.. annoyed how superficial everything is.. and then it is assumed that i would want to fit into that mould. i wont. i will never change myself to make things seem 'better'.. to seem more 'sociable'. im sorry. i cant be anything different.
someone said to me today about religon.. people only seem to go to religon in times of crisis.. and when bad things happen.. they blame it on God... i thought about it.. the former.. is very very true for me.. i realised. i am absolutely guilty of God. til now. til today. i can still say, i am unsure of God's existence. somewhere inside i think.. i truly believe he is there. but i stil have so many doubts. but i realised.. i dont blame shit on god. i blame it all on myself. i never blame others ever... not coz im some saintly crap, but i just am so used to blaming shit on myself. like. o man i deserve this shit. or whatever. (wow. i really sound liek a damn bimbo in the last few sentences). i dont know. i really dont know.
the comments some people have made to me.. have just been quite saddening. hahaa. i wish i wasnt so like vulnerable-ish man. right now. i am trying to make up for my studies - i am not gonna do well this semester i know it. until i heal myself. until i settle that. what do i do? im so tired of it. it's just been too long. turn to god? how? i've been listening to christian songs for the past few hours...after dinner i just slept.. slept slept.. i just didnt wanna wake up at all... after that.. i felt kinda better.. i feel better typing this.. still sad.
it infuriates me. it infuriates me how people can dare to do things which seem so great, respectable, compassionate, whatever, and then all for hte sake of claiming a shitload of credit for it.
i was reading caroline's testimonial. and i think.. that's so accurate. but unfortunately, line, i think im going downhill rather than up. hahaa i dont think people look up to me or 'adore' me anymore. i am just.. not in one bit adorable. i dont know. i honestly believe i have lost any character. and like. in a way. i have lost myself. hahaa and i cant believe i am starting to tear up. i was when i was talking about kristin. now i think im just sad how everything has turned out.
hahaaa. i know. i sound so chlidish.. and o please.. she's only 18.. or o please.. the world is full of starving people or whatever. yea u're right. coz i think about that too. liek when i read someone who's so damn full of self-pity for him or herself over something seemingly so stupid. like shut up already man u ungrateful piece of crap. but yea. u know. sometimes. just need to vent.
someone just msged me on msn.. hahaa it amazes me... when i still find out i matter to people.. coz i feel like.. the whole world has moved on without me. somehow.
anyways just wanna say somethings to some people.. who might or might not read this...
bao en - i really respect you man. hahaa even though we didnt really get the chance to speak much or whatever... i just cant express too much how proud i am of how u're doing... sigh. unfortunately there is no english substitution for jiayou.. so yea jiayou man bao en (: i think im just so proud of how far u've come since wocc that sometimes it confuses me with jealousy, or envy. but i could never be, coz i really genuinely want u to succeed and do well we're in this together man!
wan ling - hahaa.. i think we're quite different in character.. but yea.. i cannot wait to spent winterbreak together.. great girl.. great great asset to the navy.. intelligent.. (: im glad.. that we made this together.
sabsay - my best friend in primary school. we did so so so much stupid stuff together. we havent spoken for a while.. but yea really man. in a way.. we'll be like.. best friends forever. argh so mushy and corny.. but really man really.
kristin - i suddenly miss you.. a lot.
my mg friends... the whole gang.. xue ai, cat, manda, germ, alicia, sab, maggot, myra, denise.. hope i didnt leave out people.. - i really miss the days of just absolute freedom where everything was so innocent... miss all of u more than u'll ever know.
grace and nette - grace.. hahaa thank you thank you for ur endless words of encouragement... nette.. im glad u've just supporting me during mg... esp jc.. sigh. miss hanging out with u guys man.
to my vj friends.. sarah.dee.meixi.hazel.mel.diana - u made me believe in the world again. believe that goodness exists.. seriously.. as corny as that sounds. and i treasured.. and still treasure this friendship a lot.. sigh. i really miss you guys...
my family... there's nothing more important than blood there really isnt.. it doesnt matter how many arguments.. how much shit.. how many police visits.. how much chaos.. havoc.. it's kinda weird.. but i would die for them man. i really would. sounds freaking childish. but SO WHAT. who gives a shit. i hope none of them reads this. i will. i WILL. melt and die.
and.. there is none like you.
sometimes.. it irritates me that coz of my absolute hate of taking pictures.. there's hardly any memories of my life... but i managed to find some.. pictures that matter. (:
daddy, me, bro. i miss birthdays... when we were so young and innocent.. i've never really celebrated my birthday after that.. it's hilarious.. it was so routine.. like birthday.. buy cake.. sing.. hahahaa.. eat cake.. sigh. hilarious. o man :'( :'( i really want to go home.. now... :'(:'(:'( my birthday is coming up... i think im spending it alone. hahaa. i just miss how hilarious and innocent things used to be.. :'(,br>
me :D
why.. why!! hahaa i think when i was young i actually had SOME potential to look ok. sigh. something bad must have happened in between.. and it did.. and o man.. my eyes were bigger. haha why why are they so pathetic now! actually i know why. i mean eyeballs dont grow right. but my face did. sigh.
my sister
mother father
brother.. hahaa i miss how mch.. 'closer' we used to be...
my dad and sis.. i love this pic.. :( everything i love makes me sad...
MG DAYS.. it's so sad i was looking through all my few mg pics.. and i never really found.. a proper picture which we took.. which i was in.. but it doesnt matter.. as long as i can remember my friends... (:
weird. i dont remember ever looking like this
and.. vj days...
the early days.. with dee and sarah... wonder what they thought of me then.. (: and check out the hair!!! it's... well.. longER.
my favourites (:(:(
daryl nette and i.. during army days.. but o well.. vj friends (:
army.. honestly.. i have mixed feelings about army days.. somehow.. i dont know whether i turned into a wworse person.. myself.. i really dont know. i hope not. but.. i cant get out of it. i kinda live army now. even though i was in there for short. havent been to unit. somehow it's just quite a big part of who i am now.
daryl and i. i actually look really happy here. im glad. hahaa i just realised again really that im definitely not the best looking person in the world. i have a slightly constipated smile. and when i dont smile, i just look retarded. but who gives a shit right. hahaa. i used to think hey. maybe it's coz i just dont photograph well. i dont know how to 'work' the camera. but i have realised that actually. it's just how i look. hahaaa.. o man. but yea ok. that's fine. (:
beloved baoen
lta allen
cpt seah
suddenly.. that PS paper.. doesnt seem so important anymore... studies seem like nothing.. the only reason why i want to do well is coz i have a moral obligation to do so.. i guess ive been suckered up into the singaporean ideal of getting 4.0. and i know i never will. i dont want to. i just want to apologise to my teachers for not attending class. i just dont want to do anything 'wrong' and get good grades to get by, to get into grad school, to not be unfair to myself. i will be prob stressed later over my paper, coz there's no way i can hand it up on time. but so what. i'll worry about that later.. (:
i realised in a way.. even if im sad for the rest of my life.. it doesnt matter.. does it? coz after going through all my photos and stuff.. i realised how how lucky i am to have met everyone i have met.. it's really really the people around u who matter.. it's so cliche.. but to see them happy.. just makes me freaking damn happy.. so bye wei lynn. go rot in hell. as long as everyone's in heaven. that's great. ha. i dont know. but really. sigh you guys are missed. really really missed.
im gonna try to make the best of what i can. i dont know.. i guess all i want is to just.. become a better person. that's just what i've always wanted... but i just feel like im disintegrating second by second.. but.. i guess.. im gonna try. try to make things good for myself. for once. come on wei lynn. u can do it.
the thing is i know.. when i leave this room again.. when i return to the real world.. out of my thoughts now.. i will forget this.. i will again.. just be caught up in everything that exists. but i will try man. try to make an effort to remember this.
sometimes when i know some of my peers.. females.. people my age.. see all the fun they're having.. with all their girl friends.. guy friends.. going out.. i dun know.. just doing such 18-year-old female stuff. dont know whether im missing out on something. but i dont think so at all. like i'll prob feel this again. but.. i think im ok with how things turned out.. i mean.. yea. cant compare. right? hahaa sometimes i wonder what it would be like.. if i was just more.. like.. more feminine. more of a person. i think i am a bit weird right now. quite alien-ish. hahaa but im quite sure.. i will never dress up, never put on makeup. whatever shit. look good. i used to think i was wasting my youth away. but i realised i am just like that. so yea. take it or leave it man.
this is such a longwinded post. but i dont care. it is meant for my eyes. meant for my venting.. meant for my reaffirmation.. (:
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