wow. these 3 days have been so.. hardhitting. especially today. today was mindblowing.
i dont wanna say too much.. coz.. i dunno.. to me a lot of things do with the organisation.. are better left unsaid.

i am just so overwhelmed..

i think back to the first day of bmt.. when i couldnt even hold the 1 litre bottle with my elbow 90 degrees.. arms trembling.. the first 5bx.. i was panting like hell running up the hill and doing guy push ups for the first time ever and holding it there forever.. the first part of bmt was miserable.. not so much because of the training.. but because.. i felt i just couldnt fit in.. but things got better.. i kinda found my placing.. and when we passed out.. i felt confident that i'd reach a certain level. but of course.. that confidence really in the terms of the real world... would prob be like 1/10.

when we went to service term. things... were definitely tough initially.. i think a lot of the stress i've faced in the army.. was a lot and a lot to do with mental.. i dont mean mental as in with o man i must endure this route march mental.. i mean in terms of.. my placing.. my role in the saf..

now thinking back about all my worries and anger at myself with my disability to strip and assemble gpmgs or whatever it was fast.. all my technical problems.. it all seems so long ago.. i remember feeling so miserable coz i couldnt even master the basics. these simple basics. and i always got up so early and slept so late.. trying to study.. run things over in my mind.. and i just felt miserable. like i couldnt match up to anyone. what kinda officer could i be if i could almost kill myself stripping a gpmg. and i remember feeling so miserable because.. i felt so alone. just couldnt really speak to anyone.. coz everyone was so different.. just felt so weak. and so alone. but i guess as time went by.. things got better.. got to know all the guys.. went about doing what i needed to do... but i still faced many many problems.. one huge one which i cant say here.. and a lot more.. and i wasnt given any positions of leadership.. so basically i did a shitload of saikang.. and.. yea.. i dunno i just really was giving my all in everything.. but basically being kinda behind the sceneish. like.. i just couldnt show myself or anything man..

sigh there's so much to say.. and i cannot express adequately.. i can never.. my experience.. but when i was cwc.. things kinda changed.. and i did gain more faith in myself i think.. i always had a problem.. with my type of leadership.. which i know.. is very different from how things are usually done in the army.. and my character.. these are things which would make it hard to.. so called.. show myself.. and rise.. or whatever it is.. but that period kidna proved that.. there are different ways to do things.. and i think whether things are effective or not.. it really all boils down to the individual. i believe.. if u have the right character.. motives.. people will see that and respect that.

but after everything had been said and done.. i still had so many doubts.. and fears.. whether i could make it.. how i could contribute.. whether there was a place for me here.. but this three day workshop.. and after today's especially.. it just really made clear to me a lot of things.. theree are definitely still fears.. but.. yea.. it just reaffirmed a lot of things.. and although i know that everything has its negatives.. im glad.. and have a lot of pride in this path i've chosen..

i cant articulate myself. but am very overwhelmed. was reading cpt seah's msg just now and suddenly felt like crying. i think my face changed shape for like 10 seconds and the tau hui auntie must have had a shock of her life. things are definitely not going to be easy at all. it's not liek suddenly im so positive and so extremely happy now. but i have hope la. and i believe that against all odds.. i KNOW i can do something here. i wish people outside really knew.. what it means to really be part of the saf..

thinking about what i would want in my career.. i dunno.. everyone has always been saying think ahead.. where u can get to in whatever vocation u join.. and i know the one i've chosen.. it wont be easy at all to get to so called high positions. which was something i never gave any thought or consideration to in the first place.. or thought mattered at all. and i know i would never make the effort to show the boss what the hell im doing coz it just doesnt matter and i cant be bothered. there's so much many more worthwhile things to do for the poeple so called 'below' u.. the men.. than to shove in ur boss's face ur achievments or whatever. but for a while there it kinda made me wonder whether i was being too un realistic.. and worried about my prospects which i think by the way i do things would not be good.. but.. i think today just reaffirmed even more that.. it sounds so corny and slightly.. shallow to say that all i wanna do is touch.. or just leave.. a positive mark on someone's life. that's all i wanna do here. and when i was thinking about that.. i realised that.. i believe i have already done that.. during my cadet term.. im sure a lot of people have.. and a lot of people have on me but we prob dont realise or think about it.. and.. as long as i feel that i am making a contribution. to someone. anyone. and to make a contribution to the organisation.. i will definitely try. definitely.

i think i always impose a lot of.. sexist ideas upon myself.. against my own gender. i think people have this specific image of females in this occupation.. and like.. what the hell am i doing here.. it really isnt a place meant for females. which i agree with. it wasnt initially but times are changing and if one can contribute. why not? i think i need to stop imposing and reinforcing these ideas myself.. but really believe that something can be done here.

it is my privilege. and.. im just ready to embark on this journey man.