i was sitting on the couch just now.. and just waiting and waiting for my brother to get off the com.. coz i have so many thoughts that i just need to put down.. even right now a million thoughts are rushing through my head.. and i know whatever i write down.. i cannot do justice to the thoughts and feelings i've had in the past few days.. and especially in the last 24 hours..

i hope i will leave this blog up.. and i think.. no i dont think.. i will speak damn damn honestly about everything i feel. but that does not mean putting up my personal life. u can talk about truthful feelings. u can talk about your thoughts. u can talk about everything under the sun without losing your privacy. and i will do that. usually i would insert some thing about who gives a shit. but i think i should just stop saying things like that. coz it's damn pissing. i realise that if no one reads my blog.. as my friends did last time.. i would be a bit sad coz i realised that the primary purpose of putting up a blog is because u want to share your thoughts with people. ur friends. or really just share your life. and sometimes just feel that others are having similar thoughts or even give a shit bout your thoughts and you. i do not believe in blogging in 'private' coz things just dont work that way. there's a way to handle that and it's journalling. privately. unfortunately i am too lazy to write, have NO privacy whatsoever, and my writing sucks so bad my hands go into spasms and cramps and i cant read shit what i have written.

i have thought so many things in the past few days and suddenly now when i want to write them down. my mind is completely completely blank. typical. well.. i'll just write as something pops up. guys. i have come to realise that guys and girls.. are completely different entities. species. beings. and are incomparable. girls expect guys to be sensitive to their needs etc but i think we have to realise that guys are not wired that way. and vice versa for whatever guys expect of girls. we are wired differently. think differently. dont give me that snag shit. snags and snags. girls are girls. it's the same as saying that butches understand the mind of guys. which they dont coz at the end of the day they at still girls - these horribly emotionally vulnerable creatures. i was reading 'i kissed dating goodbye' by josh harris during exams. yea during freakshit exams. LAMEASS exams. and for a while.. just for a while it conjured up such an ideal image of 'dating' which will never come now. and will come when it will come. for the record. i dont give SHIT about this now. honestly. but it was just such a.. feelgood book.. what's more a feelgood christian book.. and i went out to get the other copy.. but i keep switching between understanding.. and then being freaking cynical. i started and tried to read 'boy meets girl', but i could not get further from the first few papers and from flipping. the cynic in me just cannot leave. and i wonder really whether i am just being realistic. and it is josh who is being idealistic.. in his Godly world. i dont know now. and it's sad that i even think that way.

i want to talk about God now. but i will save that for later. i realise that it is extremely easy to like people. i mean people of the opposite sex. i am not speaking personally. i am saying generally. many a time people just like people whom they dont even know. and i find that just extremely sad. seeing all the pictures and the holding stares, if only for a few seconds. shying away under the appearance of unacknowledgement. and the knowledge that things will never be and will only remain from afar. wondering if person will ever know. or read. or understand. probably not.

i realised that secondary school days were fantastic. shit may have happened in the later part. but everything just seemed really simple and innocent and fun even if it didnt then i realise it was when i look back upon it now. and i realise it's just coz i was so damn young. for freak's sake im only two years older now. but a lot can happen and has happened in two years. even if not literally as in events unfolding in reality.. a lot in the heart and mind. as much as i love my mg days. i realise that.. i can hardly remember them. yes i do remember things that happen, but i have long forgotten the f eelings and thoughts and emotions, and now i wonder whether i even had them at all. prom just evoked a lot of feelings about the past in me. i had a lot to say after that but i dont feel like anymore coz it's so damn tiring. digressing a little. i think this was the first night.. i felt as though the guys treated me like a girl. i mean i dont mind being treated like a guy. coz essentially that's what i really am like. but it was.. a nice change for a while. and weirdly actually touching sometimes. i dont know what is wrong with me though, but dressing up makes me feel like a slut. i said i was gonna talk openly and honestly. and so i am. and i dont know what to do about that. i think by now.. no. i know by now. thoughts and feelings are already fixed. they were forming in sec sch.. in jc.. but now. they are fixed and nothing will ever take away whatever feelings and thoughts i have on certain things now.

for the past whole day. i have been unable to put james frey's book now. i think after i finish reading this. i will feel empty and will never be able to read another book coz it just wont be as good. and that is extremely pathetic. it's not because his account is so engaging.. it's because it's so honest and true. so honest and true. i know why i really really dislike fictional novels. coz that's just what it is. fiction. u may hear the thoughts of the characters. but these are not real thoughts and everything is so surfacial and that's where it remains. but here im hearing his thoughts. the bare naked truth. the truth isnt always pretty but it's so refreshing and a really really great change. however, after reading the first few pages.. i was unsure whether to continue.. because this is a man who does not believe in God. and the sad thing is i relate to what he's saying. i continue reading and he mentions repeatedly he does not believe in God so much so that it seems as if he's slightly obssessive over this 'disbelief'. and i think this this can only come about if one believes in something. he still speaks of God, but says he does not believe. but isnt that an irony in itself? i was born in a christian family. i have been going to church all my life. well. until a few years ago due to reasons i would not care to mention. my dad is i would say.. a staunch christian. i am honestly not sure what to make of my mum. but i am extremely extremely lost. and i admit it. as much as i would like to say that indeed revelations happen now and then and i feel as if im being brought back to the 'right path'. i cannot help buy wonder whether im just making myself feel that way or if it's really happening. it's tough faith. so damn tough. i see people, i hear people. they praise God like there's no tomorrow, and these are people who are just age or even younger. but is it all really real? is it all shit freaking real? you can talk about God all you want. you can quote all the verses in the world. or even go to him when you have troubles. or every night. but are you really speaking to him. are you really believing.

i have a problem with faith in God. and it makes me so ashamed. i see people who have totally given up.. and in my mind i think you're screwed. it's as though i know he exists but there's so much cynicism. and like i said earlier, thoughts and feelings are so fixed now i dont know whether it can change. the reason i didnt know whether i should continue reading frey's book was because.. i know.. or rather i heard or read somewhere.. yes i read somewhere that we should not read/see/watever anything that will evoke doubts in our minds over God. i accept that statement when i am trying to be a 'good christian'. but right now my mind is telling me to reject it. i personally do not think there are any steps you can follow to be a a good christian but maybe that's why i am where i am now. sometimes i receive moments where it's like praise God. but mostly, it's such a huge struggle. some people say people turn to religon because of their fear of life. they need God as a reason for everything they do not understand in their lives. it is a need rather than something which really exists. right now im so angry at my cynicism. and honestly all this is just pissing me off. coz i know i'll read it over and be like BULLSHIT. sigh. i dont know. i think i'll just end here coz i dont know what im saying anymore.