came back from a short camp with manda at camp christine.. a very interesting outdoor cooking competition.. haha. i love stuff like this.. i really do. i always dont feel like going before but when im there.. im just loving it. it's just so great to talk to manda about all the same old memories we have of that place.. and all the stupid idiotic things we've done there over so many years.. since primary school.. and just reliving the friendships with all these wonderful people who have been such a huge part of our lives.. i miss the days of manda, denise, theresa and i being complete fools and annoying everyone else and making sanitary pad jokes coz we were such a loud patrol. i miss the days of lying on each other under the shelter on the floor full of shit in a square with denise repeating cupping my ear for no reason at all. i miss the days of trying to swim back against the current after pathetic attempts of 'saving denise' from the tree.. i miss kris.. everything. everybody. i keep going on and on about this. but i dont care i must say it again.. im so grateful for everyone who's just been a part of my life.. went back to mg.. and i really really miss the place.. those 10 years have held so many memories for me.. haha.. i was looking at those sec sch girls who now really seem so young to me.. haha i cant remember being like that at all.. life in mg was just fantastic. we were really in our own bubble.. but what a bubble man.. what a bubble.. i've so many mixed feelings about things that have happened since leaving mg.. dont really wanna talk about it now.. coz im still really tired.. well do so.. another day.. or maybe never..

on another note.. im really crazy over my grandmother.. i dont wanna use that four letter word.. which starts with L.. what were u thinking.. coz i just have a huge problem using it.. other than times when im really on a high and use it on friends.. so i'll spare myself the agony of cringing when i read this again. i think she just made me have a mini breakdown.. haha. sigh.. again.. i dont really wanna say much.. coz i hate talking about this.. it's stressful enough for everybody and to have to read it again.. it's just unfair.. and i have to be responsible to the public coz i know my friends do read this.. haha nah.. i guess.. the pressure is just getting really too great to bear.. and yet i have failed to do what ive promised to do myself every single time.. and i really already feel like i have failed. but the short period of time we have left.. will be for the rest of our lives.. but i really feel like i've already let everyone down.. anyone who has even an mm cube of faith in me.. and i will continue to do so.. haha i sound so self righteous.. like what gives me the right to think that people give a crap about me. but if they do.. and i know they do coz i have really selfless friends who are the best friends in the world anyone could ask for.. i think maybe i should start handing out apology letters now.. coz i actually really believe now that i am incapable of anything. everything i yearn for and feel passionate for.. is just gonna slowly destroy me cos i dont think im going to be able to do it.. so what am i sitting here typing this when i could be doing something which could potentially change my life.. haha i dont know either.. but i have to get this out of my system. as for letting myself down.. i think ive done it so many times i've just become numb to it and somehow im not sure if i feel a responsibility towards myself anymore.. haha i think im just living for the people who i really care about.. cos honestly i couldnt give a shit what i myself thought.. i think.. haha i dont even know what im saying.. and all these 'haha's are not going in line with the topic here.. but i dont care.. sigh. i dont think im the strong person i've prided myself on being. and i really seem to have dropped about half of my brain somewhere along the way. it's on the floor somewhere along with my ego. if anyone can find it please hand it to me.. only i think the only person who has any possibility of finding it is mr toh if he walks around with a microscope. but really. this isnt a pathetic cry or anything cos. im just not like that. i just.. i dont know.. but.. i wont sit around moping and feeling sorry for being apologetic. i wont. i wont. but im just so scared of letting everyone down.. haha i know im not the only one out there who is feeling it. but.. yea.. mel.. dee.. and everyone else who is just struggling with getting started and doing whatever u need to be doing.. ironically im gonna say this.. but i really have faith in u guys.. haha seriously. if i had to bet my life on anything in this world it would be on what great people u guys are. so i guess let's just strive towards.. whatever it is we wanna achieve...

onward singapore!

ok wrong day that was about 4 days ago.. onward us man. i hope this fear will generate some positiveness in me somewhere. come on me. self destruction is not an option. i have to repay all that faith man.

i have to say something here.. im getting increasingly ticked off by idiots who keep talking shit about blogging using the stupid term 'bloggers' and saying this is an advertisement of our lives or whatever. just shut the hell up u dimwits. i dont give a shit if there're actually people out there doing it. but i know for me and a lot of other people this is a therapeutic thing.. and actually a great way to keep in touch with the people in our lives.. technology has actually helped communication in a new way. these are just some of my thoughts.. which i have to get off my chest man. and i dont ever bullshit. this is writing. not blogging. write write write u idiots.

one more thing. i had a very nice talk with someone on friday. im not sure if that person (P) felt the same way.. but it really made me feel.. good inside about things. i dont know what.. just things.. and i am freakingly damn sure P wont read this.. but.. wow. u know how sometimes u just stumble across these people who really u dont exactly have any relation with.. but just have a conversation where everything clicks.. it's just great.. and i really wish and hope for P that everything goes smoothly man.. coz P really deserves the best! i overuse this phrase loads.. but i mean it man