was gonna type a whole load of shit. but i just dont feel like doing it anymore.

i've just cut ties with my mother. haha. it's gonna rain. im supposed to be in school but im not. what a great day. there's so much i wanna say. but i cant. i've lost a connection to people. all i can do is ruin myself inwardly. hurray. im so tired. sad. pissed off. i really dont know if i should move out. will think about it in the next few days.

i couldnt get any sleep at all last night. lay awake until 8 + this morning. never been so distraught ever. an immense sadness has just overwhelmed me and i just feel.. it's impossible to do anything. i wish i was the person i was 4 years ago. i was actually doing something. and things were going so well i prob actually had a direction in life. but i threw that all away. i've become very incapable. withdrawn. unstable. unfriendly. jealous. full of rage. i really do not deserve the friendships that i have now. this morning when i was msging danielle and i got her reply it just made me feel good. and im so thankful really for the friends that i've made in vj. i really am not worthy of their concern. i think they're really amazing people. now i know what i want.. in the near future. but im too scared of going for it coz i've lost all confidence in myself to do anything. when someone tells me im smart and i will have no problem in getting good results if i actually just stopped squashing everything last minute. i honestly dont think i can do it anymore. im just not smart. ive lost it. im not saying words out of self pity, but it's really what i believe. this lack of confidence has prevented me from doing so many things.. and it's a horrible vicious cycle which just continues. i dont feel myself or see myself in anyway anymore. i actually feel like i'm having an out of body experience. and i really do not like this person im looking at anymore. this person has no future, and no 'present' either.

it's pathetic to think u are weak and then not take actions to change that. ive been pathetic for so long. of course i dont want to be another of those idiots to groan on and on and not do anything. but im just really at a loss now. there're so many things running through my head. last night. it was horrible. i sound like im going crazy.. well maybe. but im not. im perfectly sane. just very very lost.

this is such a self centred entry. but i dont care. if i dont have an outlet to at least say a bit of something im just gonna crush myself inwardly. i was actually thinking maybe flinging myself in front of a bus help. what a weak pathetic thought! but i actually thought about it very long and thoroughly.. and well the biggest negative.. would be that i may die. but if i didnt. a lot of things would happen.. which.. i dont know. what a stupid and selfish thought. stupid and selfish. i tried praying last night to calm myself down and i felt calm for a few seconds. but then i wasnt quite sure whether i relaly felt calm or was making myself feel calm coz i was trying to make myself believe that my prayer was actually working. i still hold onto the hope that everything would be fine if God just came into my life. but i dont know how to do that. i feel no connection with God at all. no connection.

im not speaking to anyone now. and i think they've all given up on me. haha. well. what the heck. i think i need help. i really dont know what to do. i was gonna say i would spend the rest of the day thinking about where i go from here.. but i cant anymore. i really dont know what to do. i have become a person of weak character and for that i despise myself. but i will try to rebuild what i've lost and work for what i know i want. and i have no choice coz the other way is not an option.

i was watching oprah just now and i saw a rerun of this episode which never fails to bring tears to my eyes. gabe murfitt.. this boy with amazing courage. i had to wipe my tears cos i can never show my parents that i actually have feelings. and this girl... alex.. who has since passed away. these are real people who actually deserve respect. and they're only kids.
i make out my parents to be monsters. but they're not. i know my dad is a great person. he's definitely the greatest guy i know on this planet probably. but i know he thinks im just a complete idiot now. maybe he's right but he doesnt know why. and i dont think they will care to know. parents always think that they are right and their kids are the disillusioned ones needing to grow up. and my mother.. i think she's trying her best. but. things cant always work out perfect. i dont want to bash my parents coz they are ok people. it's just that.. yea. things just cant work out. and i know for a fact that they will never know me. what's going on in my life. nor ever understand me.

i dont know whether i'll regret typing this. i prob will. but i've tried to make it as.. censored as possible. i dont know whether i even wanna blog anymore. i'll see. i dont know whether i should move. i just.. dont know what to do.