what a shitty day. well it wasnt totally shit halfway through but it ended damn shitty. i've calmed down now...which is good.. i dont wanna pollute this place too much.

sigh. i think im going crazy. there was this like orbbing noise.. obbing.. orbbing.. well that alien like noise which u should know if u watched war of the worlds... this morning when i was at the heeren bus stop waiting to change bus. and it was getting louder and louder. freak man i was convinced something was gonna use my blood to power its machine and when i looked up the lights above the esprit store across the street were flashing..whats up with that man. i cant believe i made it to school this morning. i was so convinced that i was not going.. and let my parents go on their 'what's wrong with u rants'.. (to be fair to them, they have been extremely tolerant regarding my ponning. not understanding, but tolerant).. but somehow i really did overcome these inner demons and fought them down to emerge victorious.. and found myself sitting surrounded by a bunch of guys in the assembly hall. that's what u get for coming late. and no it's not a good thing. thank u very much. so i made it through the day.. which got more and more tiring.. i havent went for a cindy loh or bala lesson in a few decades and im proud i made it through.. i've ponned so many mondays i cant even remember what the timetable is.

sigh.. i seem to be going to orchard a lot after school nowadays.. why i dont know i dont even like the place. and it leaves me so tired and drained by the time i reach home i juz wanna die on the doorstep and let someone drag my body in. was talking to danielle and sarah about how guy i have become. i dont know what's wrong with me. u know it's even extremely weird to hear someone calling my name 'wei lynn'. im like o yea that's me but no man, i dont make no connection. it's even weird telling someone that is my name. and i even feel more comfortable with 'bobby' than 'bobette'. somehow over the years i think i've just gotten more boyish and so accustomed to my comfort zone that the idea that im a girl is kinda weird. i think that's why i find it so difficult to talk about guys and stuff.. i feel very disconnected from my identity as someone part of the female species. and this is really quite sad.. sometimes i really do feel like i have no identity or personality anymore. it got lost along the way and i never really bothered to even look back and pick it up or whatever. i dont think i see myself as a girl anymore. but rather as a thing. gotta clarify something though.. im 10000000000000000000000% STRAIGHT . but wow. i dont think i'll ever manage to change. i'll spend the rest of my life cracking dumb jokes hiding behind shorts and t shirts. i think i dont dare to leave this comfort zone i've created for myself. i think im just very uncomfortable with expressing myself. i was telling meixi today that if u thought of it in regards to like.. unexpressive people being those singaporeans who sit still during a bon jovi concert. i would be the one lying smack on the floor.

sigh. i honestly think i may fling myself out of a window at home one day. this shit here is driving me crazy. im so freaking tired by the time i get home.. try to get some sleep.. and somehow even in my dreams i hear this damn wailing sound and pounding of the walls. after 20 minutes of getting pissed off in my sleep i finally awake to realise that no, it is really happening after all. i dont wanna say too much. but i really do care about my sister. immensely. so much so that sometimes i wonder whether i should let go of my dream to go oversease to study coz i feel the need to just.. protect her from all the shit here when she enters adolescence.. which she is now and i do not think things are going very smoothly.. but.. o my god.. she just KILLS me man. shit.. i really do not wanna say too much.. but.. there is just never a moment of peace of quiet here. and im so sick of all this psychoticness going on. dont even talk about studying for the damn As. i cant even get any silence to rest what little is left of my brain. it's times like this i regret all the shit which uncontrollably gets flung out of my mouth at her but i just cant do anything about it. im so pissed at this selfishness.. and all this noise.. it's tearing my family apart and just killing each one of us all in different ways. cept my brother who's in army now. but he's dying too anyway. god it really stinks. 1 hour..2 hours.. 3 damn hours.. we are all scarred for life. sometimes i feel so sad and responsible. i dont know why. i try my best to give her the best.. to make up for the childhood i dont really think she had. but there's just so much i can do. i cant spoonfeed her forever. this really stinks. im just so damn sick of her behaviour.. but i do give too much of a shit for her to well not care at all.. sigh. dang it.

something which happened yesterday made me rethink whether i should be keeping this blog. but i will anyway. i jus.. wont say much.