mmm.. i think the novelty of blogging is starting to wear off. haha nah.. i think it's just coz.. there's just so much.. which i have felt and things which have happened in the past few days.. and my mind is in a whirl now.. and im just feeling more and more incredibly insecure and stupid.. so much so that recording all of it down will only serve to make things worse when i read back.
i had it and lost it. but i'll get it back.
it blew me away. not so much what was said. but.. the realisation that there are so many opportunities out there.. and more and more so i doubt i will get the chance to.. experience any of it. everything i hoped for.. i dont know man. haha. dammit. have so many thoughts but i dont wanna put them down in words. i always believed.. or thought i did that u're in control of what happens.. i mean.. u can be what u wanna be.. instead of blaming it on the education system here.. and all those stupid excuses. but.. i dont know whether i still believe that anymore. or i just feel like i screwed everything up. i honestly felt like a big fat loser. odac sarah told me yesterday in the room before she left that.. it's in God's plan what we will do or where we will go. it was just a passing remark. but.. everything's been like me and what i want so far.. and i realise actually i dont really have that much control.. sigh. i dont know. but i dont want now to be a time of regret. and i wont let it be. i cant let me down. or God down even. however weird that sounds. or anyone who actually had some faith in me down. i will give my all.. im not gonna waste away my whole life just for a long long moment of foolishness.
it's been so long. it was really great... but wow. the fact is that so much has happened since.. and im just not sure which page we are on now. but im thankful. really thankful :)
i dont know why i feel this way. i do hold a certain amount of concern.. and affection.. i dont mean romance wise. yea i have problem saying that word too. but yea. and when i hear or see that scene.. or know how things are.. somehow it's just kinda sad. even though i've kinda had a hand in things. i think it's just the respect.. mutual? and maybe slight unwillingness to let go?! definitely no ill intentions. but i am glad. for the final happiness and contentment. i am glad :)
Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 7:21
wow. so. so true.
i think that's been my biggest issue.. with people. and things.
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