hello my fav SCE person...

this is a codified message for u.. hahaa yes im pretty damn sure we're talking about the same thing.. u know it's difficult for me to read ur blog now coz i keep thinking.. what am i missing out on.. and at the same time.. what the heck am i going back into.. hahaa sigh.. i wished i had stayed on with u guys.. and the big day is coming soon. im so so proud of u man!! congrats (: let me know how all the scholarship stuff is going yea... (:

and yea.. im worried.. big time. i dont want to be treated or seen like an incompetent idiot.. i just dont know how things are going to be.. sometimes i wonder why i didnt choose an 'easier way out'... but i had a four hour car ride just now and i was thinking about it.. and watching our wei zi ji feng kuang (hurhurhur) video on my laptop.. and listening to 'every ___________ son' over and over again. hahahahaa yea i know i am extremely crazy, and slightly retarded. but.. i think.. honestly.. in a way we're really lucky to have this 'challenge'.. and i was thinking about other things in the outside world.. and i think i would have an even harder time.. accepting doing anything else.. so yea embrace this challenge man!! haha as u have been.

of course im still worried.. but u know.. things will work out in the end they always do. and i believe ur time now.. even if u're stressed.. whatever.. i mean.. i believe u're gaining a shitload too man. so yea...

i think sometimes it's really kinda difficult.. coz u dont really have anyone to talk to who is in this position.. be it guys.. or girls.. or whatever.. but it's ok. u have me. and i have u. hahahahaa.. so yea! if anything.. just email me.. whatever.. i'll see u soon man. in the meantime.. continue having fun ground-digging. i know u am man. take care (:

me

i just spent one month's salary.




im coming home in dec.

im supposed to be doing some japanese culture readings and at least 2 essays. but i just cant get down to it...

was talking to one of my ex company mates online.. and.. sigh. i think. i really was very idealistic. like.. u know those fairytales where good always triumphs over evil even though.. there're so many obstacles and it doesnt seem likely.. but i dont think it's the same in real life.. i dont know.. i hold this extremely cynical view towards the world.. but i always believe at the end of the day... er... yea good will triumph over evil.

sigh. i think.. i dont know. it makes me sad to think that people might view me as a fool.. with merely idealistic words to offer.. and offer me mere sympathy and not anything else. or maybe. everyone just has different opinions i dunno.

honestly. honestly. it scares the shit out of me. sometimes im not sure what ive gotten myself into.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. time to blog. i havent for so long even though i have a shitload of things waiting to be called to my attention.. im pushing them aside for now.. just like i have for the past 3 days. procrastination. sigh. it's really a love-hate relationship... u love love love to procrastinate but yet when push comes to shove it just ends up screwing u so damn bad.

sigh. on another note. i really need to change my language. ok i'll try to speak more.. lightly.. 'elegantly'..

things have been.. i dont know. im terrible. i cannot update my life. coz i dont know what to talk about what not to. i dunno what to say and what not to. i think my lack of ability.. or lack of want.. to express myself is going to lose me friends over the course of four years.

after all.. when u first leave.. people remember u.. but after a while.. if they dont know what's going on in your life.. you know.. you really really do lead separate lives.. basically i become non-existant. which i pretty much am right now.

i try to think of how i can just talk about my life now. but i cant. so all i can hope is. it wont come back and haunt me. i think i sound pretty crazy huh. mmm.. just thinking. nothing much.

and.. my parents ask me to come back to singapore end year.. but im not sure if i want to pay threefreakingthousand. and.. ive already been making plans.. sigh.. i dunno.. it's not like should i stay or should i go.. it's should i go to _______ or should i go to ======.

how? ________ or ======. sigh.

i just wanted to blog.

i have something to say which i CANT say.. hahahaa just that o man. i am sooooooooo normal... soooooo normal its embarrassing...

and i wanna do something in dec something in dec!!!

God.. i really really need u to help me tide over.. the the next.. 48 hours... please. thank you. thank you. thank you.

ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

yesterday when i walked past the quad.. which is this huge grass patch thing which looks much grander online than in real life but that is not the point... it was in the evening.. quite quiet.. and i walked past these two people sitting at the side.. and i heard one of them saying to the other.. the lamb of God... something something something... and i was like.. wow ok. that kinda made my evening in a way coz i was having quite a crappy day...

and today when i was walking past the quad... i saw a gathering of maybe.. 40 people? or 50? in the middle.. and there was this poster there... and so i looked and the poster said... "satan says.." in bold and i dunno there were like words underneath.

-_-

i really am in the states man.

some NARROW MINDED CHILDISH FOOL has his nic on msn as singapore, F*** singapore...

what a FOOL is all i can say.

i dont update here much.. coz.. i dunno.. if i speak to friends i wanna speak like more one on one than in such a public announcement place..

and well.. the reason why im so pissed with that is because.. after coming here.. i realise what a great country singapore is. honest. last night saf sent an email.. about restrictions on blogging and things like that.. which i've always erm... put on myself.. internally.. which is why i dont really say so much about the saf and training.. in fact i dont at all :S until ike.. occasionally.. coz it really doesnt matter what much to let hte world know...

but.. i had a bit of a panic attack last night.. honestly.. i have been feeling.. kinda.. lonely really.. and homesick. u never realise.. how good u've got it.. until u lose what u once had. it's not to say that life here is bad. but i think people.. hold studying overseas in such high esteem.. like o it's so cool and it's so fun.. and definitely it's a great experience if u treasure it.. but u realise it is really just life that goes on.. and i miss what i had at home.

im not sure whether i'll be able to come home in the summer for some reasons. and i cannt imagine 2 years away from singapore. i'm tell u now - i love my country. and if u're there and u dont treasure what u have.. then u're a complete idiot really.

there have been quite a lot of things i've been dealing with here.. which im sure my friends have all been too back in sg.. but i know i would deal better in an environment of comfort and familiarity.. but hey isnt that what studying overseas is about? to put urself out there.. expose urself.. and i guess.. in these 4 years u'll discover a lot of your weaknesses.. but if u make that effort.. ur strengths too..

before i left sg we had this pre departure thing and the guy said th initial period overseas.. u'll be depressed.. than u'll be like high morale again.. maybe.. maybe not..

all i can say is.. i am busy/stressed/missing home.. but also.. i am grateful for the chance to do things here.. and trying to take opportunity of that. i guess everyone expects.. their friends who go overseas to report back what a wonderful time they're having and people at hoem will be like.. u're so lucky.. and i used to think that way.. but i realise it's not true at all... and i dont care if it makes me sound pathetic or a loser or whatever, coz im just being honest. basically it's just life that goes on, in a new place, a foreign envronment.

but i'll just try to turn things around when they're back.. and somhow.. u know.. just build my character or something. sounds so lame but it's true..

so not going into specific boring struggles of my life... i am doing good. i am doing good because i am alive.. and how many people can say that? yea i know.. like a few billion.. how many people are there in the world...

so anyways thanks for leaving msgs on my tagboard.. i miss all of u.

hey friends go and dl http://www.skype.com/download/skype/macosx/videopreview.html !!! then we can talk!! for free!!!!

o my gosh i've been having such a bad day. this has been saving grace. i heard hazel's voice. and i am very happy now. even though i have a crap test tomorrow and there's no way i can sleep tonight.

good day everybody.

suddenly..

im missingg.. people.. a lot..

i miss the complete complete ease of conversations..
of talking to people who really know u.. and who truly truly care..

if u're reading this.. and u know u're someone i like.. hahaa.. u are missed.

it's 403 now.. and i just cant and dont feel like sleeping... which i need to coz..

(1) i need to get up early to ...
(2) i have too toooo many things to do tmr to feel tired.. sigh..

and so i ended up here... and.. there are some things i feel like feeling.. haa...

i feel that.. humans are always just.. gonna disappoint u.. no matter what.. and it's those few that dont.. that you know are your.. well.. 'soul mates' kinda.. in not such a serious use of the word...

i feel like.. i can never ever show outwardly concern towards anyone.. coz i am just such an awkward person.. and hardhearted.. not in the sense i dont care.. coz i know that im a big fat marshmallow.. and i care about a lot of things more than my buay song face will betray.. but.. i just know that.. yea.. some things are unneeded.. i mean.. yea. i dont know how to express myself on this one.

sigh. ok. that's all. one more thing i came online and the first thing i saw was steve irwin killed by a stingray. o my goodness.. so so so so shocking really.. i actually let out an audible gasp... which i never do.. i cant believe it he was too young.. too capable.. too talented.. it's a sad day in aus indeed..

my room mate just came back.. time to sleep.. goodnight

i finally decided to post.. coz it's 520 am in the morning and i have 'time'...

anyways.. i dont wanna say too much just wanna say a few things.. i dunno who still comes here. and things like that.. but thank u really.. to everyone who.. means something to me.. which most prob must mean u.. unless u are ________ ... or ________ or _________... yea that should be it.. actually on second thought... _________ too...

nah just kidding. but actually like.. 1%.. not really...

but anyways.. i always feel like things are impossible to describe.. unless u're experiencing it urself.. and as much as we are interested in each other's life.. we are not exatly interested in all the complete blow by blow accounts.. so i am not gonna bullshit so much here.. but just.. im slowly adjusting to things here.. i wont say it's omg this place is freaking amazing.. or it sucks like hell get me out of this hellhole.. but it's just a new reality that i prob need to get used to.. and... i want to make the best out of this reality.. which will take time.. but i will get there.

so other than that.. i am still alive. and no massive ground breaking news has happened yet other than i tested positive for TB. yes u heard me right. i have freaking tb germs in my body. i dont know why. but apparently it's quite common. i dont have the disease ok. just carrying a nice erm.. what's that word.. that u use on inactive volcanos.. ok it's 525 and im not really thinking so i[l just say inactive germs.. and they'll stay that way with some medicine here. seriously it's no big deal. i was just talking about life and death so i touched on that.

anyways to the people i care about.. i still do. a lot. thank you.. for sending me off.. for yue-ing me out.. for the conversations.. for the concern.. for the effort.. really just thanks for ur friendship man. i am not one of those idiots who has become so damn like.. encapsulated in my own world and thrown the world of yesterday behind.. i dont know whetherh people will become like that.. but.. i dunno.. i accept this as my reality now.. but this reality includes everything that i have back home. i wont let myself be completely absorbed by my own stupid life man.

anyways everyone i know i love... take care man! i am thinking of u... we'll meet very soon (:(:(:(:

wah lao! someone on my msn list has the nic singaporean girls are sian.

... firstly i hate generalisations.. and secondly that is just a load of crap. i feel so indignant for all my friends who have great personalities. so stop being a narrow-minded loser.
thank you. just had to get that out. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

and.. there were things i wanted to say.. some sentimental stuff about singapore.. which i totally forgot.. so.. yea. another time. hmm. got a MILLION things on my mind now... arghhhh no time no time no time!!!!!!!!! someone asked me how ready am i on a scale of 1-10 to leave.. and i told him 0. im off the scale. :(

i was reading the damage done until like 5 am yesterday... and it just got really really depressing... finished it today.

it just made me doubt so many things.. and wonder about so many things.. the world really just appears to be such a terrible place just full of so much evil.. as well.. simplistic as that sounds.. it's true..

and.. there must be something better right? something better than all the hate/anger/torture/evil that this world has to offer. there has to be something better... and i think we'll find out soon.

so.. got this from sarah's blog.. who got it from dan nee elle. basically you just put your library.. of in this case my mp3 player.. in shuffle mode.. and answer the questions in the order of the songs that come up.. pretty interesting results..

1.What's my mood like right now?
OCEAN DEEP - cliff richard

I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls
The pretty girls go sailin' by

Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
solitary room

Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

im so lonely, lonely, lonely (ocean deep)
on my own in my room

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
UNCHAINED MELODY - righteous brothers
haha.. i dont think so man.

3. What kind of person am I?
MORE THAN WORDS - mr big
i am a person of few words.. much of the time.. but.. that doesnt mean there's nothing more

4. Am I loved?
DARE YOU TO MOVE - switchfoot

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOURED THING
haha.. in so so many ways.. i think u really need that in whatever u do.. or whatever relationships you have. not talking about bgr.

6. What should I do with my life?
MAN IN THE MIRROR - michael jackson

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

m starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
CANTO ALLA VITA - josh groban/the corrs
(SONG TO THE LIFE)

Dedicated to the one who guilty or innocent
Lost in this sea
Yielded to the stream
Who didn't ever be a winner

Dedicated to the one always keeping a hope
In front of a sorrow
In the cold of a room

Dedicated to the one searching his own freedom
I sing to life
To all its beauty
To every wound of it
To every caresse of it

I sing to life
To it's tragic beauty
To pain and to strife
Let all that dance through me
The rise and the fall
I lived through it all

Dedicated to the one who always made it dry
Like possessed, slipped through fingers
It was always already over

I sing to life
Reflected into your eyes
Easy and endless
Promised land for us

I sing to life
Sweet and even fierce
To this journey of ours
Which still puts us in chains
It calls us...

8. What is my best quality?
BOSTON - augustana

9. How does my sex life look?
SUPREME - robbie williams
hahaa. NA man.

10. What's the meaning of life?
MYSTERY TRAIN - bon jovi

11. What do people think of me?
WE'VE GOT IT GOING ON - bsb
hurhurr.. i dont really think so..

12. Would I make a good catch?
THE DISTANCE - bon jovi
mmm.. maybe after a very very long time.. if someone would still bother

13. How crazy am I?
I'LL GIVE IT ALL

14. Will I have a good life in general?
JESUS, YOU ALONE - paul Oakley and tim hughes

15. Can (insert YOUR name here) ever really love me?
HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US - sarah sadler

16. Can me and (insert YOUR name here) ever be more than friends?
MORE THAN THAT - bsb
that's nice. unfortunately no one in mind.
on second thought.. fortunately.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
THERE'S A HERO - billy gilman
(:

18. Where will I be a year from now?
SHE'S SO HIGH - kurt nilsen
I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!

19. What is my biggest wish?
GREASED LIGHTNING - grease
apparently i'll develop a massive love for automobiles. and grease.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
FREEDOM - george michael
definitely not in NS. hopefully older.. not younger. ha.

21. How will I die?
SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY - bsb
):

22. What will happen after I die?
CAPTAIN CRASH AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM MARS - bon jovi

23. How do my friends feel about me?
FOREVER - chris tomlin


all in all.. quite accurate.. weirdly so.. and.. esp with the christian songs.. quite wow. really.
supreme. hurhurhurrrrrr.

so.. we had the award ceremony today.. mmm.. sigh. no comments..
but i did get my sword.. (:
i never would have envisioned this at the start of bmt..


thanks to leon...



thanks to wanling..




to wanling.. van.. jinping.. i think i probably felt this more a couple of months back when we found out our results.. but im just glad we made it together.. (:

i believe that the people we meet in our lives... it's all for a purpose.. and today.. just proved that completely.

i am so grateful.. but yet.. really feel like.. i have let _______________ and many many people down.. but today.. it gave me a definite motivation.. inspiration... (:

even though we're going very different ways.. and leading very different lines.. thank you. really. (:

anyways i bought this book from kinokuniya that day.. called.. the damage i think or something like that.. it's about this australian guy called warren fellows i think (too lazy to find the book) who got caught traficking (how the heck do u spell this word!) tra-fic-king.. should be correct right.. anyways yea drugs into thailand and got put in prison for 12 years.. and it's about all the HELL he went through there.. and i've been reading and it's really like hell in hell man.

there was something in the prologue about one of the worst things that happened there.. and i cant do justice to his experience so i'll just describe it briefly. apparently they were in their cells at night when they heard these damn hellish screams from am frenchman in a cell nearby and it continued for extremely long.. finally he and some other englishman begged a guard to let them into his cell and when they got there they saw the frenchman was just like.. completely zoned out and still screaming like hell and below his ear there was a HUGE lump. and so they held him down, the englishman used a razor to cut his skin and out spilled a whole load of worms.. maggots.. etc.. apparently a cockroach had crawled into his ear and laid eggs down there... mmmmmmm...

i told my bro and he said something like that happened when he went to brunei for an exercise too. a cockroach crawled into his friend's ear when he was sleeping and his friend just spent the whole time screaming like nobody's business.. apparently he could hear all the ssssssss sounds and what have you.. so they went to the doc and the doc drowned the cockroach first and then inserted a scissors inside to cut it into half so he could take it out... and his ear was bleeding like crap for a very long time.

crap man. i hope that never happens to me when i go outfield. there was one night in service term when i was sleeping.. damn tired as always.. and suddenly i felt this pain in my ear.. and i woke up in like a semi conscious state and i could feel whatever was inside. it was either a huge mosquito or fly.. and hear all the zzzzzzzzzzz-ing sounds.. crap man. then i was like o ok.. and thank goodness my sbo was beside me.. took out the pincer thing from my jackknife and stuck it into my ear and pulled whatever it was out.. and then went back to sleep.. after that i thought maybe it was a dream.. but im absolutely sure it was not.. mmm.. ok man. i shall go and do some investigation on earplugs or something.

sooo.. tmr's the ceremony. and im dreading it.. honestly.. i really really hate taking pictures.. and tmr is gonna be cheese cheese cheese non stop. sigh. im terrible. im supposed to be honoured. and excited. and i am. but im dreading it horribly too..

so wow im shocked huiluan! hahaa i still think of u occasionally i didnt know u still came here.. (: honestly u made bmt that much more.. survivable. hahaa really. i still remember talking with you and all.. it's great. and of course ur guy craziness is just simply hilarious.. all the best to u man.. in smu and whatever direction in life u choose.. (:

and yes sarah shi kin kin. i miss you too...

my sister is sec 1 now.. back then she was trying to feed a biscuit to her bear...
believe it or not.. my dad still looks the same...

this is really just the most heartbreaking picture on earth.. :'(

i really hope im not being irresponsible towards them.. for selecting this path..

i guess it's amazing how words can somehow make anything sound so beautiful.. so motivating.. so inspirational.. so moving.. when essentially.. it is built on a foundation of self centeredness.. and a whole load of air.

and it's amazing too how words can make something so... sad.. with real feeling sound like nothing more than childish angst.

the former makes me really really really angry. sometimes i doubt whether im wrong.. but deep down i believe that i am not. it's just that the world sees things on such a surfacial value.. and the former always comes in victorious.. yea even in the midst of all this empty pain.

i dont know why i let things like that affect me. but it just pisses me off so damn much when.. the real things that should be recognised are not. i know the people around me.. who are just great in their own right.. and the small things they do everyday.. are just so much more than a whole load of empty ****.

but i guess that's supposed to be the beauty of things right. i just hate how it annoys me so much. stupid things. really stupid things.

decided to change my layout... just tired of the old one.. wanted something.. seemingly more peaceful.. happier.. white-ish.. instead of black black black.. but i guess that didnt work out.. at least.. here's a picture of happier.. happier days.. probably the happiest days of my life.. sigh. too bad i was too young.. and childish back then to truely appreciate it.. or maybe that's what made it so great..

put up the chatterbox thing again too.. i dont know who still comes here.. but when i go overseas.. like.. a form of communication i can still have with people here.. hopefully..

anyway.. it suddenly.. got me thinking again.. just suddenly.. i remember watching that show on tv that day.. and she went online and did the test.. and it confirmed it for her.. and i just did it.. and it definitely is true..

everyday.. everyday for the past few years.. i've kept killing myself over it.. but in a way have become so so numb.. so while i keep putting myself down you know.. just accept it.. coz it's so normal.. so common.. but it's affected.. every every aspect of my life.. and so many things which i have thought normal all this while.. are really just not normal at all.. and i guess i suddenly thought of that just now.. and admitted to myself.. almost like started crying or something. i think i am crazy man.. but no i am not.. just merely.. ____________ ..

it was kinda like a revelation.. and i really dont know.. how to get over.. this..

especially now that im leaving soon.. sigh. i really dont know man. i never believed that it was really a _________ thing.. but suddenly.. i think it might be true.. sigh. i really really really dont know what to do.... there're so so many things i'm dreading in the next two weeks.. i dunno man.

i dunno how to make things the same again.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

- changes. david bowie

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-------------------------------------------(
:'(

grass! grass! grass!

hahaaa. Anyways..

sigh. sometimes.. when i talk bout it and all.. i feel so convinced.. and other times.. i just think.. what the heck have i done. hahaa.. certain moments.. i mean.. it's normal right.. it wont take away any dedication.. but it's normal right...

sigh. i wish that i didnt... _____ __ ________ then i could say that.. i was really really enjoying whatever now man.. coz today was kinda fun.. but then on the other hand... u know.. there really will never be a ____ ..

and.. i really hope singapore doesnt... offer.. well.. incentives.. based on race or whatever it is.. meritocracy.. hahaa.. in a very practical sense it is practised.. but.. after this period of time and results and stuff.. i realised once again.. there're so many things which are just so bullshit... so so bullshit.. but it's just the world! and reality is as so.. and.. as long as we're happy with what we're doing. right?

right. good. (:

this is for all the lonely people
thinkin' that life has passed them by
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
ride that highway in the sky

this is for all the single people
thinkin' that life has left them dry
don't give up until you drink from the silver cup
you never know until you try

and i'm on my way
yes, i'm on my way
well, i'm on my way back home

- jars of clay

i wish i had a gift in writing lyrics.. or poems.. or.. a gift in expressing myself in beautiful paragraphs.. which so many of my friends do.. but i dont.

i think there're just so many people i've failed in my life.. and whatever has happened in the past few years.. or however i have been.. i think it's amazing that i still have them.. somewhere in my life.. that they still have the remote interest in my existence..

i dont know who still comes here.. to this very isolated place online which i have hardly updated since.. selling my soul.. haa.. nah.. since.. i chose whatever direction in my life that i did.. but im just.. sorry for freezing people out.. the many times i dont reply.. dont turn up.. there're many things i wanna do.. but cant for certain reasons..

it's such a big gift to just.. walk around.. anywhere.. the neighbourhood.. orchard.. sit in the bus.. and just like.. feel totally at ease.. comfortable.. happy.. confident..

i've had that gift for a few moments this year.. but i've taken it away from myself..

i cant believe im leaving in 2 weeks.. it never occured to me that it was a reality until.. just about yesterday.. something i've wanted my whole life.. and suddenly.. im just not sure.. about so many thousand things. i wish i could.. leave in a good state.. and what was originally.. 2 months.. has become 2 weeks to do so..

i always kinda thought i had some character. and i think it still exists somewhere inside.. this whiny side is just.. the unfortunate winner at the moment..

ha. on another note.. i dont understand man.. it's forever forever the wrong people.. hahaa. but really man. happiness is there for u to like.. grab. sigh. ok.

i think.. that.. it's difficult for people to distinguish themselves between doing things coz they care about people or whatever it is.. and doing things which are essentially.. just for themselves. it's a huge difference between being selfless and selfish but yet the line that separates the two is so fuzzy.. and just sometimes completely blinded by one's ego. i thought u would realize that at some point in time.. but i guess.. some things will never change. it's disappointing. and it angers me how much.. it's as disappointing as it is annoying.

was just looking back at like.. super old entries.. when i started writing here.. and wow. sound totally different man. sounded so much more full of life. even though i dont remember that as being a good period.. well.. it hasnt been a good period forever.. but still.. maybe it's coz life was really so hectic then.. and having to be that way coz i was out there the entire time.. not by choice.. but yea..

arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dunnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. if i came across this blog i would seriously dislike the owner of it. which of course. is not much difference.

today. a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.

a medic drove me to the safti gate coz it was raining.
and we had a short chat about his future after he orded in 2 weeks time.

it seems like nothing. yet it means so damn much to me.

sigh. there is a reason for my being here.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

same as u hazel (:

wow. these 3 days have been so.. hardhitting. especially today. today was mindblowing.
i dont wanna say too much.. coz.. i dunno.. to me a lot of things do with the organisation.. are better left unsaid.

i am just so overwhelmed..

i think back to the first day of bmt.. when i couldnt even hold the 1 litre bottle with my elbow 90 degrees.. arms trembling.. the first 5bx.. i was panting like hell running up the hill and doing guy push ups for the first time ever and holding it there forever.. the first part of bmt was miserable.. not so much because of the training.. but because.. i felt i just couldnt fit in.. but things got better.. i kinda found my placing.. and when we passed out.. i felt confident that i'd reach a certain level. but of course.. that confidence really in the terms of the real world... would prob be like 1/10.

when we went to service term. things... were definitely tough initially.. i think a lot of the stress i've faced in the army.. was a lot and a lot to do with mental.. i dont mean mental as in with o man i must endure this route march mental.. i mean in terms of.. my placing.. my role in the saf..

now thinking back about all my worries and anger at myself with my disability to strip and assemble gpmgs or whatever it was fast.. all my technical problems.. it all seems so long ago.. i remember feeling so miserable coz i couldnt even master the basics. these simple basics. and i always got up so early and slept so late.. trying to study.. run things over in my mind.. and i just felt miserable. like i couldnt match up to anyone. what kinda officer could i be if i could almost kill myself stripping a gpmg. and i remember feeling so miserable because.. i felt so alone. just couldnt really speak to anyone.. coz everyone was so different.. just felt so weak. and so alone. but i guess as time went by.. things got better.. got to know all the guys.. went about doing what i needed to do... but i still faced many many problems.. one huge one which i cant say here.. and a lot more.. and i wasnt given any positions of leadership.. so basically i did a shitload of saikang.. and.. yea.. i dunno i just really was giving my all in everything.. but basically being kinda behind the sceneish. like.. i just couldnt show myself or anything man..

sigh there's so much to say.. and i cannot express adequately.. i can never.. my experience.. but when i was cwc.. things kinda changed.. and i did gain more faith in myself i think.. i always had a problem.. with my type of leadership.. which i know.. is very different from how things are usually done in the army.. and my character.. these are things which would make it hard to.. so called.. show myself.. and rise.. or whatever it is.. but that period kidna proved that.. there are different ways to do things.. and i think whether things are effective or not.. it really all boils down to the individual. i believe.. if u have the right character.. motives.. people will see that and respect that.

but after everything had been said and done.. i still had so many doubts.. and fears.. whether i could make it.. how i could contribute.. whether there was a place for me here.. but this three day workshop.. and after today's especially.. it just really made clear to me a lot of things.. theree are definitely still fears.. but.. yea.. it just reaffirmed a lot of things.. and although i know that everything has its negatives.. im glad.. and have a lot of pride in this path i've chosen..

i cant articulate myself. but am very overwhelmed. was reading cpt seah's msg just now and suddenly felt like crying. i think my face changed shape for like 10 seconds and the tau hui auntie must have had a shock of her life. things are definitely not going to be easy at all. it's not liek suddenly im so positive and so extremely happy now. but i have hope la. and i believe that against all odds.. i KNOW i can do something here. i wish people outside really knew.. what it means to really be part of the saf..

thinking about what i would want in my career.. i dunno.. everyone has always been saying think ahead.. where u can get to in whatever vocation u join.. and i know the one i've chosen.. it wont be easy at all to get to so called high positions. which was something i never gave any thought or consideration to in the first place.. or thought mattered at all. and i know i would never make the effort to show the boss what the hell im doing coz it just doesnt matter and i cant be bothered. there's so much many more worthwhile things to do for the poeple so called 'below' u.. the men.. than to shove in ur boss's face ur achievments or whatever. but for a while there it kinda made me wonder whether i was being too un realistic.. and worried about my prospects which i think by the way i do things would not be good.. but.. i think today just reaffirmed even more that.. it sounds so corny and slightly.. shallow to say that all i wanna do is touch.. or just leave.. a positive mark on someone's life. that's all i wanna do here. and when i was thinking about that.. i realised that.. i believe i have already done that.. during my cadet term.. im sure a lot of people have.. and a lot of people have on me but we prob dont realise or think about it.. and.. as long as i feel that i am making a contribution. to someone. anyone. and to make a contribution to the organisation.. i will definitely try. definitely.

i think i always impose a lot of.. sexist ideas upon myself.. against my own gender. i think people have this specific image of females in this occupation.. and like.. what the hell am i doing here.. it really isnt a place meant for females. which i agree with. it wasnt initially but times are changing and if one can contribute. why not? i think i need to stop imposing and reinforcing these ideas myself.. but really believe that something can be done here.

it is my privilege. and.. im just ready to embark on this journey man.

i know. i know there are a lot of bad things in this world. but superficially speaking.

is there anything worse than feeling so uncomfortable in ur own skin.
that u really just have no character.
or personality.
or intellect.
or heart.

is there anything worse.

there's a fine line between being honest.. and being a damn insensitive *******.
im so sick of being obliging. and unoffendable.
i think i've let myself be insulted so many times and just laughed everything off until it just screwed me up completely.. and the irony is that.. the result.. makes the above even more repeatable.. yes. this complicated weird nonsensical sentence is something that only i can understand.

if i look as arrogant and fierce as people say i do. then why the hell am i so damn bullyable.

shit. i need to stand up for my rights.

:(

damn u.. really.

but thanks. for the motivation.

:(

how did things get to this point.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

since im in such an offensive mood today.. i shall continue.
which part of 'please. make your way out of my life.' do you not understand.
i know it's not my choice it's a personal choice.
but even so. somehow. it makes me feel violated. still.
sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

on a happier note. the baby in Kevin Hill is DAMN cute. my goodness. sigh. if only i was as confident, happy and _____ as she was cute.

that concludes another whiny post. seemingly whiny. but not.
im just damn sick of so many things.

Dear Child,

I love you. You are very special to me. I know that you are getting weary of your ______ and have been struggling for a long time now, but I am still with you. It is not fair that you experience this pain, while you do good in this world, and your sisters seem to have no problems at all.

However, you are not the problem child. You are a loved child, loved by me, your family, and the many others who have connected with you. In this life, there will be many struggles. They will be unfair, but I have not put these burdens upon you. I have allowed Satan to put this burden upon you, so that you may become strengthened and draw closer to me.

Later in life, after you have ________, I may use you to help others who are struggling as you once were, to give them encouragement and make a difference in their lives.I am so proud of you for fighting this, and I want you to know that as you continue to fight, I am listening to your prayers and hear you always. It is not that I have forgotten about you, or have not heard, it is that I have far greater plans than you could ever imagine, and _____________________ is not part of my great plan for you.

My only son came to this world so that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly. This is my plan for you.What I need you to do is stop turning to the world for answers, stop looking inside of yourself and putting yourself down, instead turn to me and I will forever protect you. Stop holding onto a single thread. Let go of that thread, and turn to me, a rope that will strengthen you and lift you up.I love you my child, do not lose faith. You are special to me. You are loved by me. You can overcome this, I know you can.

Love,God

life for the past month has been pretty much _____ . hahaa. makes me damn ___________ i thought things would be like __________ after all these months.. but nope. i guess when u're taken out of an environment of comfort and with ur own false assurance that u've changed... u realise that u havent. not one bit. and that was merely manifestation of sorts of the orginal shit but in a different way.

speaking very matter-of-factly. there're so many things that i hate about myself. especially now. i feel like im having some out of body experience and i really dislike wei lynn. like seriously. it limits me in so many things i can be doing.. and definitely affects my relationships with others. im way surprised i still have friends. sorry man.

so yea. after giving myself a few imaginary slaps. it's time to snap out of this and EMBRACE life. and turn over a new leaf. hurray.

:(

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic. With friends, you seem thoughtful and interested in ideas. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

what nonsense man. i am an anti-flirt. un-flirt. i cant do it for shit. i wont even think of doing it for shit. and sometimes.. i think im super damn naive in the sense that i find it hard to recognise.. im like the last person to realise anything.. and even if there is like whatever.. i super dont ever believe it.. ok nvm moving on.

so.. it's been a long time since i blogged.. and there are a lot of things i wanna say.. but a lot of things i feel i cannot say..

i dunno.. to me i treat things.. that i think are serious.. very seriously. and i think it's serious that i am part of the saf.. and u know.. i have a responsibility in the things i say and the way i behave. so if this was the old me.. i would go crazy coz i have really a lot of shit to say. but i cant. i have to censor even more things. sigh.

all i can say.. is after the psc pre depart course last week.. im damn glad if there's any org i belong to.. it's the saf. i realise that scholars are not what they are made out to be.. they're so damn normal people.. well.. ok some seem like really knowledgeable and whatever it is.. but i mean.. they're so human. they're not 'perfect' at all.. there're so many flaws here and there too. i wanna say so much more.. but i cant go further. for a particular session.. there was a good 2 hours tha ti was pissed off at something.. and that made me realise.. that i really have a passion for what im doing. so whoever pissed me off. i thank you very much.

people had a lot to say and comment and challenge the guest speakers.. initially i thought. shit im way way way out of my league. coz honestly i dont really give much of a fill-in-the-blanks about local politics or whatever it is. so suddenly this whole long sentence of super bombastic words lasting for a grand total of like 2 minutes or something will come blaring out of someone's mouth in an extremely passionate manner.. and there i am falling asleep going what the... i mean sometimes it is interesting and i listen.. and i have opinions. but some questions.. u know. some things which never need to be asked are just asked for the sake of asking. and i hate that. i really really hate that. i think if u wanna ask something.. really have an interest in it. if not something simple which u know u can answer yourself. come on man. be real.

i dunno whether that makes me sound like an arrogant idiot but trust me i am not at all.. sigh. in fact very much still the opposite. sadly. although i probably look damn a lot like one still as from the feedback gathered. there're reasons for everything.. i dunno man.

right now i have 4 weeks to get my act together and im off.. the lots more that i wanted to say.. i dont really want to anymore.. sigh. so goodbye and goodnight.

wait. i want to ask again. WHY cant people just say what the hell they're really thinking. like if for example u ____ some shit. dont do it in such an indirect manner i mean if u want people to acknowledge ur achievements.. or whatever it is. a disguise of humility is not gonna cut it. or dont lie to urself or lie to others if u really know what the truth is. u know what im sayin.

all i can say is i've failed. the past 30 days. i have failed. and i have 30 more to succeed.

sigh. help. but dont help. u know. i am worried. worried.

suddenly a thought came to me today. i should write a book. i was thinking of all the bombastic things that people say. all along i guess i kinda feel inferior in a sense. let's talk about lit. i like lit. to a certain extent. coz i hate all the over analysis. and i dont exactly like certain books that people would term like wow. brilliant or whatever it is. i guess im a way im just a damn simple person. i dont demand much.. from life.. from books.. but yet i demand a lot more. sigh. so anyways i suddenly thought hey man. even though poeple love to read all these cheem things which win nobel prizes and things like that. i think people will appreciate a book which is damn open and honest and simple language which the common man can understand. and i have been thinking of ideas. so maybe one day i will write a book. i have beent hinking of things to write about.. and i realise there really is a lot to if i wanna be completely open. but i cant. sigh. so. i am back to square one. hurray.. ! -_-

on another note. the love of my life is newcastle. it really really is. i dont care if it makes me sound like some retarded kid. coz no one will ever understand this special relationship. sigh.

who is this shearer. he is a bit too perfect. but yet so human. who is this shearer man.

the next three days.. are gonna be a huge test.. and challenge..

i need to rest. like. really. rest. but at the same time.. i need to fight. hard.

i WILL feel damn good on sunday night. i promise myself.

anyways things to do:

1) arms
2) letters
3) rpt
4) uni

i really really dont understand...

you've already screwed up my damn life.. to such a damn big extent which u can never comprehend. and it's something which will NEVER go away.. i know.. people who can testify for that.. and yet.. u dont know. and u dont give a shit either.

i look forward to book outs.. so damn much. i love army life at certain times.. other times.. i dread it.. i feel damn cooped up.. who wont.. and book outs are kinda like the light at the end of the tunnel.. they let u know that time is actually moving on.. they let u get a break.. they let u get out.. and yet when i book out i have to face this SHIT.

i used to think it was my own fault.. all my frustrations throughout the week and stress.. just releasing it during bookout.. but im seriously damn sick of it. why cant u give me a damn break. instead of spying. commenting. making me feel like shit. making me feel like shit.

im not complaining. whatever. am more calm now. five minutes away i would have been saying something like foxtrot uniform charlie kilo - ing SHIT. but now.. i am more calm.

i guess.. one thing must understand everywhere is that.. the way u treat ur kid from the moment he/she is born is damn important. the most important thing.. u must build up esteem in ur kid. dont build up negativities.. positives.. are the way to go.. and of course scoldings or whatever shit where lessons need to be learnt.. but how u treat ur children is damn important.. in speech.. behaviour.. speech especially.. words really do kill.. they really do kill.. if im gonna be a mother next time.. u can be damn sure im gonna be a damn good one.

on another note.. please stop it. sigh. stop it. get ur freaking hands off me.

there's one thing i HATE. and that is swearing. honestly. the most i'll go is shit..even if i do say it quite a lot.. the one thing ih ate more than swearing.. is when people.. and in this instant.. guys.. swear coz they think it's damn cool and to fit in. u can tell when someone is saying it coz it's really coz he's used to it and it's just part of his speech and when someone is saying it to be cool.. casual.. bull shit man. dont suddenly talk and add charlie bravo to ur speech to show ur manliness.. sigh. im sick of it. im glad the guys are here in service term definitely. definitely. but they bring other.. annoyances.. and troubles.. with them.. sigh. i dunno man. freak.

sigh.

the last ball has been kicked.. and the Shearer era has come to an end.
it really has been 10 very very amazing years.. not just for him but for everyone who's followed his career and supported the man. Sigh. i have so many things to say.. which no one will ever understand. it's not some stupid worship or adoration.. it's just a huge amount of respect and.. emotional attachment. How much newcastle.. and shearer means to me.. it's uncomparable.

i am very. very. very. very. very. sad.

so... im waiting to do something. and while im waiting.. i am gonna do this thing.
i love doing all these boliao tag things and all these boliao quizzes. maybe coz sometimes i need to revisit the girl in me. seriously. it's there man. just that my life is quite different..

you know sometimes u're really like satisfied with what u have.. i mean.. im so fortunate to be experiencing something quite rare and things like that.. or u know to be who i am and not someone else or whatever.. and yet other times.. when u just look around.. u wish why u didnt have ________________ ... or whatever it is.. i dont know how to explain myself man.. so i shall just distract all these thoughts.. with this boliao tag.. haha sometimes i really wonder whether.. my friends have forgotten my existence. coz.. things are just so different.. so foreign now..


Rules:
1. Bold the following words that are true about you.
2. GREEN! the things you wish were true.
3. add one thing true about you
4. and then tag onetwothreefourFIVE more people.
5. im adding my rule of maybes.. in italics..

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days.
I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lens.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I've been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. (if shit is counted as cursing..)
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someones' bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast/unclear.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have alot of mood swings (nowadays.. maybe..)
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have alot of friends.
I am currently single!
I have pecked someone of the same sex (my sister..)
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window-shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone. (hate.. is a very strong word..)
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (Am.. confused..)
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job (I DO love my job.. maybe i love my job.. i wish i really really did love my job..)
I am comfortable with who I am now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at MacDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the wrong people. (not in terms of falling.. coz im not the kind.. but in terms of.. liking people.. then maybe)
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers more than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongues in waves, much like a snakes slithers.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet. (i WONT. lame shit)
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distraction.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.
I have ridden an elephant.
I love chocolates and crowns!
I go to school NOT for the sake of lessons.
I can't ride a bicycle.
I think i'm the only person crazy enough to do this at 6 in the morning without any sleep for the night.
I feel crazy.
I love tomatoes!!
I like peanut butter on bananas.
Been told "You're on fire!"
I'm a netballer.
I believe in Serendipity.
I think the word 'RASPBERRY' is sexaaay!
I love to look at people's teeth.
I don't wanna grow up.
I can cross my eyes n stick out my tongue n still look cute.
Gaining weight is a wonderful thing.
I am a PRO.
I love listening to gossip.
I really should be studying for exams now.
I totally love cheezels.
I can eat as much as a guy (sigh.. i can eat more.. just ask my section mates..)

can't think of anything i wanna add.. as for tagging people.. if anyone still comes to this cold.. isolated place.. u can go ahead and do it if u're really damn freaking bored..

why does this entry sound so depressing! life is good! right.. rightttt???
o man. i think someone is gonna die during section live firing this sunday. it might be me.

i really.. feel like.. my future is screwed..

i guess eventually i have to pay the price.. like.. i've always been damn heck care and somehow breezed through some things.. prob thanks to God more than anything else.. and.. yea..

i really. dont know what my next step is going to be. coz for prob for a real first time ever.. i dont see anything 'special' that can lie ahead.

sigh.

Courtesy of nufc.com ...





























From Reuters, Saturday:

Former England captain Alan Shearer has played his last professional game for Newcastle United after announcing he will miss the rest of the season.

"I'm finished now and I have great memories. The fact I won't be able to play the last three games is disappointing but I'm not complaining. How could I?" he was quoted as saying in Saturday's Sun newspaper.

The 35-year-old was due to retire at the end of the season but injured knee ligaments in Monday's 4-1 Premier League win over local rivals Sunderland at the Stadium of Light.

"I had focused on going all the way to the last game of the season against Chelsea and then my testimonial," he said. "But we don't live in an ideal world.

"Hopefully, I'll be able to kick off the testimonial but there's lots of people worse off than me."

Saturday's Sun also carried the following quotes in Al's column:

"That's it, it's all over, There's a tear in the medial ligament which, although it does not require an operation, means I will be in a knee brace for a few weeks. It's disappointing but I've got no regrets, I've had a great career.

"Deep down I knew when I limped out of the Stadium of Light that it was probably the end and I think the fans knew it as well. They know I don't stay down unless I'm badly hurt.

"My dream as a kid was to play for Newcastle United and to score goals at St James' Park.

"It doesn't matter that I didn't win a trophy because I did it my way and I lived the dream. Unless you come from the area you wouldn't understand that mentality. Playing for the club is everything.

"I broke Jackie's record and no one can take that away from me. I've never had any regrets.

"Some people think it was a fantastic way to go out anyway by scoring in our 4-1 win at Sunderland last week. I think they might be right."

We'll be paying our own tributes to the maestro over the next few days but meanwhile, in case you missed it, few have summed it up better than The Telegraph's Henry Winter:

The DJ at St James' Park must find another stadium-shaking, pulse-racing anthem. Local Hero must return to its case as Alan Shearer sheds himself of his second skin, that black-and-white No 9 shirt he wore with such distinction. As the Toon contemplate life after Shearer, the only lyrics that fully capture the Gallowgate's emotions are "God only knows what I'd be without you."

Just as critics sniped that Shearer had stayed on a season too long, he responded to the brickbats and the falling curtain with a fusillade of goals: clinical penalties, cool one-on-one finishes and regrets, if but a few, about the ones that got away.

Monday's ligament trouble at Sunderland has not simply precipitated Shearer's retirement date by three games, but deprived Newcastle United of the services of their most in-form forward. How typical of the man: he went out striking fear in a rivals' goalkeeper, Kelvin Davis, who had just thwarted England's present No 9, Wayne Rooney, in his previous outing against Manchester United. The verdict on Shearer's career is simple and uplifting: he remained a goal threat until the end.

At the final reckoning, the stats scream Shearer's class: 409 goals, including 30 for England, spread over 18 years, yet it is the words, not the impressive numbers, that truly define this special individual. Words like loyalty. In the Bosman world of constant movement, where devotion can be a dirty word, Shearer fought against the take-the-money creed.

His career began at Southampton, but the Geordie nation's No 1 ambassador worked his way home, via title-winning Blackburn Rovers, where he was loved like a son by Kenny Dalglish and the late, much-missed Jack Walker. Manchester United fans derided Shearer for snubbing them twice, decisions he knew would cost him a cabinet full of medals, but the call of the Gallowgate meant more. Much more. You cannot put a price on being a local hero.

Newcastle United are his club, his passion. When the wonderful Angel of the North was erected overlooking the A1, enterprising Newcastle fans quickly clad it with a massive Toon shirt bearing Shearer's name. Because Shearer is the greatest advertisement for Newcastle: hard-working, down to earth and with a real twinkle in his eye.

So respect the phenomenal goal return, but warm to the words that describe Shearer. Words like commitment. In the age of millionaires in the comfort zone, Shearer constantly put his body on the line. Twice, he fought back from knee injuries that would have defeated lesser mortals. Amid all the understandable wailing from Wallsend to Washington over Monday's injury, it was fitting that what appears Shearer's final act in a Newcastle strip should be an attempted tackle on a Sunderland player despite being on one leg. Competing to the last.

This is a warrior who never surrendered for Southampton, Blackburn or Newcastle, and never, ever for his country. In the nervous minutes before kick-off, England players would glance round the dressing-room, see Shearer with his eyes ablaze with determination, and belief would fill them.

Other words. Like integrity. In a profession tarnished by unpleasant creatures like Lee Bowyer, Shearer represents a breed for whom principles count. Some of his distracted peers become stars of CCTV. Not Shearer, now a BBC favourite. Value-giving and clean-living, Shearer is a model person as well as a model pro.

He has his golf, his family, his friends and the respect of everyone.

People say Shearer should focus on the Beeb, gradually articulating his interesting thoughts on the game as his distance from the dressing-room grows. Yet the former England captain has still so much to offer football. He could make a good manager, although the modest dedication levels of certain younger pros would frustrate a competitor who gave his all in every game, in every training session.

Even as the sands of time ran out on his career, Shearer gave his beloved Newcastle continued bragging rights over Sunderland. For that alone, he will always be the local hero. God only knows when Newcastle will see Shearer's like again.

i think.. i havent written an entry since the start of leadership term..

and i cant. coz there's too much to say. and everything is just.. so.. confusing.. all i can say is.. it's been.. 5 weeks? 2 weeks leadership.. 3 weeks service term.. and it's been a pretty.. emotional 5 weeks.. haha sigh..

anyways cat i shall reply u here.. yea we had outfield this week.. it's been.. a really.. interesting week.. to say the least.. mmm.. all the best for ur application yea i have complete faith in u let me know how it goes.. (:

when i actually have time to sit down and type again.. and when my head is clear.. maybe i shall write more.. until then.. may the journey continue.. very very corny.. but it really is a long.. emotional one.. but i believe still that everything happens for a reason.. right? (:

anyways.. on a very very very sad note.. the news i received upon reaching home that shearer has played his last game as a newcastle player whilst i was in camp.. was very very very sad. it's been 10 years of complete.. respect for this man. sigh. shall not go on. am very sad :(
















ok.. last thing.. just a reminder to self things that need to be done by next weekend..

1) specs
2) dartmouth and other unis
3) smu

since im sitting here waiting stupidly for something.. very stupidly.. but.. yea.. instead of doing something else which i really should be doing..or should have done a few weeks ago.. i shall just update my blog.. there's a lot of SHIT i've been wanting to say.. but i just cant be bothered to type it all down coz everything always comes out wrong and i've just been so damn busy. so i am gonna summarize my brain and type everything down and piss off the whole world and myself and then not give a shit. hurray.

1) singaporeans are a bunch of damn idiots. my sister fainted at the bus stop today and my mum was shaking her in panic.. (i wasnt around.. was having.. an interesting joyride..) and the bunch of 7 idiots at the bus stop stood still in their positions with a mere tilt of their heads towards my sister. honestly i dont feel pissed instead i find it so hilarious. freaking hilarious that it's so damn disgusting. and this lame excuse of a man actually stood BEHIND my mum to queue up to get into the bus. seriously. SERIOUSLY man. get a brain. or at least some eyes if that's possible. hey man singaporeans! can we stop being a bunch of retards!

2) which brings me to point number 2. no that last sentence was a stupid generalisation. all the shit i've said about singaporeans.. everything i've cursed about singapore.. it's not that i've changed all my views but it's damn childish to think that everyone is the same and ur country sucks. coz seriously. we're damn lucky that we were born here and not some other havoc place. and everyone is different. just so happens that every once in a while, a bunch of idiots choose to aggregate in a bus stop. it's not coz of the army which has made me more.. patriotic.. or less narrow minded towards singapore. i'd already been transforming my views.. and even more so now. i still see the good and the bad. but there are assholes every where u go and everywhere has it's own set of problems. the grass prob always seems greener on the other side.. but when u step over.. u start to see the shit between the blades.. and u know u're stepping into somewhere where u dont belong..

3) please! do NOT be a know it all in front of me. coz i cant tahan know it alls. coz NOBODY knows it all. i am not going to go into too long a rant, coz this is a topic as old as the hills and has pissed me off for as long as i can remember. just when u think a lesson is learnt.. bullshit. it isnt. and it's not disappointment coz i cant even care at all. it's just a huge load of annoyance. trust me. i know more on this one. so dont come give me some lecture and sound so damn indignant. it's the stupid ego thing. just STOP all that arrogance. it's bullshit you know. people always use that reverse psycho thing. they openly tell people that they're insecure but inside they're proud of the fact that they are in a weird sense. i cant really explain it. this front that people put up gives them a crap load of pride and at the end of the day if you lack the humility to break through that and be honest with urself.. u can NEVER.. never be to be put it lamely. a good human being. of coz that is only my opinion.. and of course.. even though i sound like such an idiot here.. i can put this across in a much nicer manner.. just that thinking of some things have made me get mad all over again. so i may be wrong i may be right. i dont care. am not asking anyone to agree or read this. so if u dont wanna read this.. GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

4) four. what is there more to say. yes. i am very confused. and then i go for something. and then im sure. and then i get confused again. this point. about the saf. i am not gonna elaborate. because why. because when u do speak about it certain people dont get a crap but they pretend they get a crap and actually try to educate u that they have much idea of crap than u know but that's bullshit. and for me this matter is very personal. i will speak to it maybe to my close female friends. but also not much coz talkign about this the entire time is just so damn isolating. so these thoughts i shall keep to myself and keep my highs and lows and my confusions and torture myself inwardly. hurray that is so damn fun.

sigh. why do i sound so angry everytime i type! i am actually quite a gentle.. ok scrap that word. u cant associate that with me. i am actually a very ___ person. really. too much in fact. and it's not that i try to be that way. it's just a personality trait. which is a negative thing sometimes. but that never does come across.. esp here i guess.. coz i type when im either frustrated/angry/sad. so.. sigh. whatever. i dont care.

:'(

get a hold..
get it clear..
clear about things which are just totally ridiculous and will never be!

it's quite hilarious it really is..
yet quite sad
even though it's nothing
but really. sigh.

let the mind speak more on this one

im crazy im crazeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
more on that later... (:

im just feeling.. damn jaded now. it's funny how things can change so fast within a week. it's not that this week sucked. it was tiring but good in it's own ways. it's just for some damn stupid reasons. and arghhhhhhh... i hope.. results just come out and shove urself into my face, so i can really see.. some image of what my future might be like..

one thing that really pisses me off.. irony man.. when someone is being damn freaking ironical saying one thing.. but in fact doing another.. i dont understand why people cant see what the heck they really are like.. and just take away that arrogance.. that facade.. there's always a limit to my patience.. but i will hang in there.. i dont wanna say anything i regret.. and actually.. i know i wont. coz i have discovered.. that i am actually a rather nice person in that sense.. it just really isnt in my character to go search for stupid conflicts which are so damn un-needed.. and i really dont want to either.. so.. MOVING ON..

what a HORRIBLE start to this entry.. anyways. i cant believe it. but i was actually happy yesterday. yes happy. happy. happy. i am trying to let that word sink in.. i dont think a person can be fully happy.. maybe still a few things here and there.. but what the heck man.. booking out on sat and not fri was just.. damn good.. it gave me time to gather my thoughts.. relax.. and just enjoy the environment in all its.. peacefulness.. which is so uncommon.. and this week has been.. i realised that i cant use the word bad anymore. coz nothing really is bad. there's too much positives to take out from everything.. even if it sucked like hell or whatever.. i can only say that this week has been pretty interesting.. :) im glad it happened.. but im glad it's over.. hahaa

i have a few million thoughts.. which shall be posted in my head.. mmm so anyway on a completely unrelated topic.. some idiot in the newpaper yesterday dissed shearer.. albeit cautiously.. but he still did.. and i actually wasnt really pissed. coz im so used to it. sure.. he's not the crazy amazing player he used to be.. but he's just evolved into another sort of player.. and whatever he lacks in the skill and pace he used to have.. he more than makes up for it in his presence.. something which wont be around for much more :( he had two assists yesterday dammit!!!!! u dont always need to score a crapload of goals to prove ur worth.. although that would be damn good too..

i feel like.. and i know that a lot is expected of me.. it adds to my stress.. but freaking man. i discovered that i can be damn calm in the face of stress.. i have actually discovered something positive. it's amazing. but i am honoured.. that the expectation is high.. i just really dont wanna disappoint people.. and myself.. and i still dread so many things.. ok man.. i shall just try my hardest at everything...

am going to church soon.. and the pastor today.. many memories.. bad memories.. good memories are flooding back.. i hope today's sermon will speak to me.. sigh.. we'll see.. adios for another week..

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interesting.

today was very interesting.

this week has been.. testing at times.. quite sad at times.. damn good at times.. i think im growing. i hope i am. and i can actually reach that level where.. all these doubts just no longer destabilize me.. and i can actually be.. like.. really ding ding ding....

im writing now.. just to keep up signs that i am indeed alive..

but.. i realize i really have nothing to say. i dont want to talk about things here.. coz i just think.. i shouldnt. and i just dont like it. thanks hazel if u're reading this.. for talking.. if not i might just kill myself with all these many million thoughts..

there's so much to say.. but yet nothing to say at all.. i dont even know what im doing man.. all the annoyance, anger, and yet joy and hope.. i dont give a shit what the life over there seems, coz things are very different for me.. here.

sigh. i just really have nothing to say anymore.

just when i think it's over... shit man.

there's nothing else i can say other than SHIT man.

SHIT

line just told me that confidence doesnt come from proving anything to urself.. but trusting that the Lord has plans for you.. and just.. trusting. i want to write that here coz i dont ever wanna forget that

shit to do:
1) notice
2) jour
3) pack + time
4) go church. yes this also must remember.
5) uni
6) adrian the irritant
7) T

sigh.

so.. wow. i have so many thoughts. but i cant write them down.. coz there're things that just cannot be said.. in so many ways.. and i dont like to comment in such a well.. public area.. so there.

fear. fear sucks.
but im damn grateful.
acceptance and understanding is the real challenge.

O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring.
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish.
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd.
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring -- What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer That you are here--that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

walt whitman

in regards to my last post on jan 2.. i would say things have changed. it's not that i feel differently but i've just realised some things.. and.. there's no point thinking so negatively about things and complaining about shit. coz at the end of the day.. when u sign up for something.. u should be ready for all the negatives and shit and accept it as the whole part of the 'package'. and i guess what doesnt break u.. will make u stronger. very lame. but true.

ok. i actually had a lot of things to say and wanted to type some super long thing.. but i have no time at all.. still gotta pack and finish my stupid apps. and dont even have any time really to _____________________________. fill in the blanks coz i dont even know what they are. i cant even think now. my brains are fried and have sublimed or something. argh i dont care!

anyways one thing i wanted to say is.. the thing now. im most well.. which is bothering me the most. is the definite gender discrimination. my brother said it definitely exists, and guys see the girls as just being quite loserish. in a way i get where he's coming from coz i can be quite sexist sometimes. against my own sex. yes im a bit of an idiot. but im more of a reel life sexist, not a real life sexist. but i am NOT. for example, when there are shows on tv like some stupid reality things i always always support the guy and when the girl wins i get very grrrrr.. coz after they're all like we are female! we must unite against the men! and in my mind, im thinking, please, know ur place.

i know i am such an idiot! o my goodness. but that's because that is just damn idiotic. i wrote a gp essay once on eh.. feminism o yea are women their greatest enemy to achieving equality or something like that. i think it was for promos. and in this case yea. i think it's just all the females unite and girl power thing that pisses me off. but then again guys can be damn arrogant shits too. i dont care if im offending anyone coz IT'S all true, with an equal amount of insults thrown at both sides. so anyway i dont want to be treated like a fool and seen like a joke when im like dying or something but my bro said just get used to it, so ok i will suck it up.

it does piss me off a lot though when guys say girls cannot do this that blah. and shit coz they think they're so united in their testosterone and machoness. but then again girls also say shit like that about guys who are perceived to be much less sensitive and intelligent creatures. i shall not make any personal comments on that.

but i definitely prefer girl friends to guy friends. girl friends are just.. the best really. NOT girlfriends. girl SPACE friends. guys can be friendswith girls. but there's always just something there would prevents them from being close. it's just the gender thing. it's hard to get close coz there's always that bridge. and once u cross it.. there will be trouble. anyway i so digress.

(in ref to the top) SUCH IDIOTS. but i understand. but i dont. and it's still idiotic any way, just like i was. and im pissed argh.

but everyone i know like friends and all i love u i love u i love u!!!!!! well most.. but still FORGIVE ME FOR MY OUTBURST!!!!!!!

you know what. im just gonna go about my own business and do what i have to do. and if i look like a damn idiot or seem like one. that's fine with me. coz i know im more than that. and whatever u think.. UP YOURS man seriously. grrrr.

anyways i promised dee and meixi something.. to take pictures of my hair after i chopchopCHOPED it off a few days ago. so there... whoa my pictures are taking damn long to upload my head must be damn big. full of air man. o my goodness they are still not ready! let me clarify something. i have not become one of those people who aim their cameras at themselves and take shots of their faces at every angle and when they get the perfect shots put them up. no offence to anyone. great for u if that's what u like to do. but it's not what i like to do and i think i better keep the rest of my opinions to myself. this is for dee and meixi and for memory's sake coz i am going to look even shittier.. hahahaaa.. hurray.








o man i seem to have become such a vain shit. but i am not! i just have a terrible OCD, and i must do all angles. just like if i tap on something with my right hand i must do the same number of times with my left and with the same amount of strength or i will always use my fingers to join sticking out polka dot thingies for example those things on like bus faces or walls or whatever and if i miss something i will piss myself off and i must do it again twice in the next round. and shit like that. so yes! ahhhhhhhhhh

sigh. enjoy the rest of the hols man everyone (: take care!

i wanted to talk about a lot of things.. but i dont want to anymore.

i think im getting sick. shit man. my throat is damn pain. please pray for me.
shit. of all times. really.

just in a damn crappy mood today. the day has been bad. the week has been bad. i wish i could rewind to the start of this week and make different choices.. maybe even 1 year.. 2 years.. things would have been so DAMN different.

i dont think i can ever leave it behind. it's something which will stick with me forever and never leave. shit man. i really hate saying shit nowadays coz i realise how idiotic i sound but i just cant find any other way to convey.. my anger and annoyance.

:(