hypocrisy.
it sickens me so.
some choose this glorification in different ways - through complete self-delusion, through cheem, utterly-incomprehensible prose for the common folk, of whom i would gladly associate myself with. this glorification comes across so beautiful.. making one out to be an angel who has broken free from the rat-pack and everything else ugly that the human race has to offer, yet one is vulnerable, with one's strong character being one's downfall.
sigh. it sickens me..
and the only thing that makes it worse is that i even give a shit.

i think.. for once.. i need to concentrate on _______.

have i mentioned how much i love singapore? i'll say it again. this place is home, and there really... really is no place like home. it's where everything you love it.

there're a lot of things.. which i need to get off my chest.. but no time now.. and dont feel like going into.. lengthy prose.. so..

(1) was reading the newpaper today with the best sports quotes of the year and ashley cole says something like when he heard 55 000 pounds, he almost swerved his car (btw.. swerve is a damn tricky word to spell.. almost caught me there). and then it says, ashley cole said this when he found out arsenal were not willing to pay him 60 000 and only 55 000. he later joined chelsea.

...

WHAT THE HECK. i used to play CM and being stupid brainless and childish.. well.. ok MORE stupid, brainless and childish back then i saw some of the very like.. young up and coming lowly players, they were only paid a MISERLY 3000 pounds a week, and i was like.. o man how do they survive. ... since then i have realised what a STUPID thinking process that was. the money involved in football is just crazy crazy crazy. and this IDIOT... overpaid idiot here is complaining about 55 000 only.. and yet he so many like.. young kids look up to him.. sigh. what is wrong with this world. i understand. but i dont understand. i dont understand how people can be so damn selfish and others so disillusioned.

i dont support alan shearer for no reason

(2) the recent news about trump and miss usa has been annoying me. for those who dont know, miss usa was rumoured to be going to be stripped of her title after reports surfaced of her wild partying and generally very unbecoming behaviour (o man there is a 'u'. brit spelling. not american. notice) in public. but trump has excused her. sigh. in the first place, we all know beauty pageants are bullshit. but yet they still continue on.. and these 'amazing young women' who win are expected to be role models and all.. but seriously.. all this episode has revealed is.. - more bullshit to that. it's just pathetic

(3) i honestly honestly think.. i have become very very pro-asian since going to the states.. and im worried that ive become quite anti.. well anti other things. i dont know why. i hope not. cos that is slightly scary thought.. scary and stupid. but it's not that bad.. i just.. i dont know. it's actually slightly difficult for me to watch american shows now.. like it's kinda uncomfortable. i dont know why. i am just slightly crazy

(4) yes i am back. but right now. i am.. non-existant.

(5) i miss my friends a lot.. you have no idea how much...

sigh.

- me

i had another horrible... horrible nightmare yesterday...

i cant really remember now.. but i was seriously freaked out.

i dreamt that.. we knew the world was going to end. and we were anticipating it... when is it coming.. one day i looked out at the window... and nothing but destruction lay before my eyes... it was so so scary.. we went somewhere else.. somehow.. to a mini church gathering.. praying.. everything.. and meanwhile all around us the world was really just full of destruction.. there was a massive flood.. we were in a building.. and it was just a matter of time before we were going to drown when the water caught up with us.. and i woke up. freaked out.

it's weird how im typing this and my songs are on shuffle and 'amazing love' just happened to come on. sigh. i remember i tried to read revelations last time... i dont know why i stopped.. either coz i had no patience.. or i just didnt want to think about it.

i was just watching some commissioning videos that i found on youtube.
somehow brought me to tears. kinda. sigh.

have turned to army daze for some humour (:
hahaa... i watched it sometime when i first came here... laughed myself to death.. i should have gone to see the musical before i left..

this mum is telling her son not to go to pengkang hill coz her son got struck by lightning there before.. hahaa. crazy man. if anyone is interested.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7_AsHv7et0&mode=related&search= this is the link.

Platoon Sergeant: i have some good news and bad news
(murmuring...)
PS: this afternoon.. all of you will have... a change of underwear!!!
(cries of happiness)
PS: now the bad news.. bad news. platoon 4 will change with platoon 5.
huhhhhhhh

hahahahahaaa o man.


hahaa.. somethings are just.. too stupid for me to comment on. so there.

wow. hahaa. im thinking of home a lot i dont know why. was looking through friendster.. for memories of friends.. laughing at some testimonials.. when i noticed something.. a few mentions in the past.. that i was fun.

hahaaa i think.. i must have really changed a lot. coz i am in all honesty so damn boring now. maybe i used to be lively.. more fun to hang out with.. now i think.. the only contribution i make to a group is adding a few sarcastic remarks in here and there, a few wry smiles, and basically be a dead fish the rest of the time. sigh. am i growing old before my time. you know.. when u start off as a fun person... it's easy to become a boring one.. if time and circumstances... allow for it.. but it's difficult to change the other way round.. and this.. indeed.. must be one of the stupidest entries ever.

sigh. i am boring. so be it i guess. acceptance.

and i just found out.. that siti, ernie and izzah have gone back to brunei.
:(:(:( sad. didnt even get a chance to say goodbye. these three people unknowingly have given me such great memories.. this is extremely traumatising to type out due to my inability to express my feelings.. but...

i love you guys man! hahaaa sigh

and now. they will never know :(. well actually. i think siti knows. or not. hahaa they were just great really.. will definitely.. actually already do.. miss having them around.. when you live with people.. 24/7.. go through so many ups and downs.. everything.. you discover a lot more about people.. and there's really a closeness which is incomparable.

i remember during first 3 months, siti and i had talks when we did duty together.. and that was.. really really cool.. and during st. she approached me one day, told me her family was coming to singapore and asked whether i could possibly reccomend anywhere for them to stay.. or help her find out.

the fact that she came to me to ask me.. that was one of the best moments for me.. really. see. the small things we do.. here and there.. i guess we might not notice.. how much of an impact we are making... and from my 6/7 months.. i can remember so so many... all my friends, romans, countrymen. you guys have touched me over and over again.. without even knowing it.. and made such an impact in my life.

some things some people have said to me recently... told me recently.. almost brought me to the verge of tears. yea im super emotional actually, so what. sigh. stop touching me.. not literally.. i cannot take it. but yet i can. sigh.

all of u.. are missed.

and bao en? i agree with what you said.. and it's sad.. that.. sometimes we might.. ourselves add to the negative labels that we are well.. labelled with. hahaa. but.. i guess.. it's up to the individual.. and im sure u.. and i.. will.. be able to be professional about it (: things will go well.. it's up to the individual. set a new standard! hahaa no worries (:

i just need to say now that I MISS MY FRIENDS A LOT!!!!!!!!! everyone i know back home... sigh. im really.. really looking forward to home. i really am.

i dont knwo what's wrong with me.. im getting more and more last minute.. im studying for every single paper the night before with no sleep or the day itself if it's a night paper. sigh. actually i know what's wrong. but ok. doesnt matter. exams.. in practical real terms... matter a lot.. for certain reasons.. and honestly i feel quite a lot of pressure.. but other than that.. to me it really doesnt.

sigh. just yea. i miss home. and friends. friends a lot. i miss all the great people back home. sigh.

it's 710 am dec 9 in singapore now. the guys.. bao en.. elaine.. jo.. jasmine.. siti ernie izzah.. all the rest.. they're all commissioning today..

i wish i was too.. i really wish i stayed on for pro.. this would prob have been.. one of the best days of my life ever.

it's a very bittersweet feeling.. but im super happy for them.. and damn.. damn proud of the girls (:

i was listening to jue jiang on the bus just now.. hahaa.. it's kinda really like.. our song.. wocc.. and seriously now everytime i listen to it esp so far from home and everything.. it just stirs up so many feelings in me.. makes me wanna cry more than anything else.. and that's not a bad thing. i couldnt be happier that i chose this.. i think im super excited about my career.. it doesnt matter anything negative i hear.. coz ill make what i want out of it.. i still believe.. passion and genuine heart can overcome anything.

it's amazing what much has happened in such a short span of time.. and i guess.. challenges can bring out the best or worst in u.. depending on however u take them right.. sigh. i dont know. i really miss the girls.. a lot.. nothing can ever replace that experience which i am so grateful for..

i cant wait.

i just came back from my last viet war class.. and my prof who has been involved very much in the VVAW movement.. that is vietnam veterans against war.. brought in his friend who served as a lieutenant in vietnam for i think three years... or something like that and has been very involved in this whole anti-war thing.

so anyways.. he came in.. and talked about many things.. too much to say.. but stuff like his active involvement in this whole movement.. the shit.. as in real shit we're talking about here.. that he witnessed.. going to colombia.. not the prestigious uni.. the country.. his mum being threatened and spyed on by intelligence officers coz they do that to vietnam vets who are very outspoken about their position on the government and the war, being beaten up and arrested by police 10 times during demonstrations.. some experiences in vietnam.. i dont know. things that might shock people who dont know anything much about war.. but after a whole semester.. u just kinda get used to it.

he spoke with obviously a lot of passion.. and americans can be pretty much in ur face. they say what they like. and he portrayed his obvious hatred for george bush without a flinch.. calling him an fing mf and things like that.. but that was just how he spoke and delivered something he felt so strongly about. and i was thinking compared to singapore.. where all these stupid 'cynical' high level government people who've been there and done that come in to give talks to young poeple.. they try to speak passionately and be controversial about things because.. ooo.. singapore's o so closed up.. and u can tell when someone is being genuine and when someone is trying to create an effect. i very much think it's the latter.. and then they make these stupid 'subtle' dry humour jokes which are so NOT FUNNY but the audience goes hahaahaaa.. rolling with laughter.. whatever BS.. well that's my stand. and i just hate it. but it's different here.

the point is.. i dont know after a while.. i just kinda settled into this state of like.. listening to what he was saying.. absorbing it.. but just feeling quite tired about all this stupid war debate. it's so easy to be influenced immediately if u're put in an environment where everyone thinks that way.. and definitely definitely there is some truth.. but i dont want to take a stand. it's tiring. coz i think.. there is no stant to take and there'll never be someone completely right or wrong.

but anyways. i arrived late.. and it's like a small class of maybe.. 20 + people so basically you know everyone in a sense. and there was this guy sitting beside me and i realised i'd never seen him before.. but didnt think too much about it. and at the end of the class. they were like.. o right. havent introduced u to aaron - grad student here who's a iraq veteran. and for a moment i was like. stunned.

here was this well.. young, good-looking, just pretty much an all-american guy sitting next to me and u would never have guessed that he had served in iraq and back. i think people dont realise who is going to war. they think it's all these professional soldiers and sign ons.. but they dont realise that teenagers are being sent ot war. so anyways he came back in 2004 i think if im not wrong, and he spoke a little about his views on something.. i think it just really.. shocked me.. coz you wont relate his face to iraq.

i dont know. im just right now. tired of this war bullshit.

and also.. just very very tired.

came across an interesting article regarding liberal arts education: http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/Departments/elearning/?article=liberalarts>1=8847

basically the article has one part which lists the much higher salaries business, engineering and computer earning earn as compared to that of psychologists, historians and er.. just general liberal arts people. but then the guy says

Given the evidence, why would anyone in their right mind opt for the liberal arts degree?

I could tell you, sincerely, that it's not all about the money. But it might be better to lean on another cliché: If you do what you love, the money will follow.

that's something which i say a lot. and i honestly really believe in it. i dont know. complicated things seem so simple to me that sometimes it's difficult to understand it from someone else's point of view. when i was younger, i always thought how cool it would be to work overseas coz i want a job that has international dealings.. which might still be an option in the future. but after coming here.. i think my mind has just opened up a lot more. some of the singaporeans here are not on scholarship but dad or mum's cash, and they are the ones who are considering working here definitely even though they miss home too obviously.. and when i ask why they say the opportunities are better.. and of course there is so much more money.

i dont care if i sound like an idiot to me but even though i understand what they're saying.. i can never understand where they are coming from. to me i have only one simple view - i dont give a shit about the money, as long as i can support myself adequately.. do something i love.. i dont care at all. and... i cannot imagine working away from home where everything and everyone you love is. my simple logic is there is nothing more important than going home to people you love. but i guess maybe to each his own.

back to the statement above. i have always said that.. like people say where really can a liberal arts degree get you.. esp in singapore which places so much emphasis on all this science.. structured.. kinda stuff.. but i really believe that if you have enough passion and love for something.. success will come naturally. it'll take some courage, some persistance but i honestly do think that if you believe in something enough.. work hard enough for it and just really have a genuine passion.. things will always work out. money.. money is really really secondary. as long as i dont have to depend on anyone to support me.. like some stupid guy. that is enough for me.

but. i definitely recognise that soem engineers, computer, science people really too do have a passion for what they're doing.. im just talking aout things from the liberal arts side.

and yes zhen... unfortunately there are just so many one-dimensional views. but whatever. just get on with doing what we love (:

there's just been so much going on in the world.. ANOTHER military coup this time in fiji?! the Russian spy poisoning incident still dragging on... the US marine sentenced for raping a filipino... typhoon DURIAN in vietnam.. they really know how to name them.. and all these.. seem to have linkage to me.. either in what im doing.. what im interested in.. or what im studying somehow.. there's just so so much unrest isnt there.. hmmm... speculation.

--------------------------------

i have solved the mystery of the annoying phonecall. i told my roommate and she said it's her ex-roommate from last year's mother whom she had not met since she was 2 until she was 18 because of a court restraining order... and she didnt want to talk to her or see her.. and her mum still calls here even though she's told her she's moved away.. coz her mum is mentally ill. sigh. i think these situations.. are really common here.. i think im a pretty quiet person.. other than when im behaving like a fool amongst close friends.. and here i listen... NOT purposely.. to things around me.. and u hear conversations about hatred for stupid mother boyfriends... things like that.. and things i saw over thanksgiving.. it's like the america on tv.. has intruded into my life.. i have no opinions on this.. just an observation.

-------------------------------

on another note. im damn screwed for exams. damn damn screwed. i think my friends know how damn extremely last-minute heckcare study person i am.. and unfortunately things are really really bad this time. sigh. im really dead it's really.. not even funny... im not going to post again.. until i get my life back in order.. which might be in a month. must. refrain. from. talking. sigh. self punishment!!!! which i will prob break. sigh. there's just to much going on in the world.. to not talk about.

PS: hey SHEEP if u read this.. check out the third light blue box in the article and leave me a msg to let me know u saw it :D

today when i was in econ class (this is the first and last one ever. it's kinda interesting.. but i think for me boring to a much greater extent) and the professor said something which made me quite annoyed.. he said dont study fluff in university and take easy classes like social engineering classes, take the hard, tough stuff like science engineering which actually train you. the fluff u can do some other time throughout life. sigh. i think that's not true at all. i know a lot of people studying science.. esp now in university level think that arts people have it easy, and they are the ones studying solid stuff. so that u can get a good decent job next time even if no one really voices it. but.. it really is complete rubbish. arts too enriches you and make you think in ways science cant. they both have their pros and cons and it's really up to one's preference

in america they have this thing called ROTC which is essentially these guys.. or girls who want to join the military and they join this program in universities across america.. instead of going to a military college they get a degree here but train on the side as a cadet to become an officer. im taking this history class on war, military societies and institutions before 1815 and there are many ROTC people in my class.. you kinda recognise them coz sometimes they wear uniforms.. or carry a bag that says army.. or have that typical american army haircut.. crewcut? i think. but the thing which i dont know sometimes makes me kinda sad is to see him walking around carrying their army bags, sporting a crewcut, obvious signs of their involvment in the military and even deployable to iraq anytime, and yet they're wearing typical college get-up.. jeans.. tshirt.. jacket.. whatever.. and they look so young.. and cleancut.. and just so youthful.. and kinda innocent. and it makes me sad to think that there are so many like that in iraq.. and to think of the direction they're heading and all that possibly lies ahead. sometimes it makes me wonder why the heck they'd want to get involved in this.. at a time where support for the war is declining so much. i dont know what their reasons are, or what they see, and it's quite ironic for me to think this way.. but situations are inconparable. sigh. i dont know. just find it slightly.. sad.

last thing. i used to be one of those people who typically said crap about the singapore education system, how it's so one-dimensional, doesnt create thinking students, only know how to mug and memorise... mug and memorise, it seems to be a system that generates only 'workers', not thinkers, not entrepreneurs and honestly to quite a large extent i think that is still very true. HOWEVER. that cannot be a generalisation. there have been many successful singaporeans who have kinda broken out of that mould and created.. whatever it is. and i believe as in other parts of the world.. there are many. many intelligent singaporeans and i dont mean just by paper or whatever, but the.. stimulation of the mind.. and heart.. however u explain that. what annoys me (yes i get annoyed quite a bit. sigh.) is when people insult the singaporean education... esp if you're overseas studying. it's kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. if not for the rigorous shit that the tough education drilled into us.. we wont really be where we were today academically. and what you want ot take out of school besides studies is up to you, you really can take a lot more even though singapore seems so... limited. sure there are limitations coz the system is so strict.. but so what. it just provides more challenge to you to do so. i think it offers its own benefits too definitely. the point is.. o man i think im starting to sound so damn pro government whatever crap. but i mean that's just what i think. just dont insult outright without thinking twice.

hmmm..i think that last paragraph.. kinda shows how much my attitude towards singapore has changed.. i would like to think of it as hopefully.. maturity.. instead of brainwash. coz no one brainwashes me. or i will.. take care of u. grr. coming here.. has been interesting.. challenging.. enriching. but it has also made me realise how great home is. singapore will always be home. i dont understand why people would want to migrate and become a second class citizen. i hope i wont be eating my words when i come back eventually (:

since i moved in here when im in the room alone sometimes there'll be these weird calls any time.. afternoon.. 3 am.. whatever it is.. like once in a few days.. depends.. a few times a week at least.. can be more than once a day too.. and when i pick up and say hello it's complete silence at the end. totally pissed me off coz after that the person would call again and the same thing would happen.

i thought it was my room mate's mum at first and she didnt say anything coz she cant speak english and she knows im no korean. but my room mate said no. and so it continued

tonight it happened again. i was super damn lazy to get down and pick it up so i let it ring.. and u know sometimes i do this and this idiot on the other line lets the phone continue ringing for SUPER DAMN LONG. so annoying.. so so annoying. so anyways the call stopped. 1 min later rang again i picked it up.. 'hello' no body. pissed. 1 min later rang again. same thing. damn irritated coz it's been SO MANY TIMES. then it rang again. so this time i picked up remained silent. after some time the person on the other end said hello. so i said hello who u looking for. she asked me who i am i said who u're looking for.. then she gave some unheard of name.. then i said i have no idea who u're talking about.. she asked me..

is this the U of I?
i said yes.
then she went on a tirade.. about how long she's been trying to find her daughter and call so many numbers but the university still cannot give her.. and she went on and on and on.. do u know blah blah blah do u know blah blah blah like it was any of my business. these things i can tolerate if it's a concerned longwinded mother i might actually feel sorry for her. but this IDIOT was drunk i think. and she was like this univerisity is F-ing dunno what blah blah blah like it was anything to do with me.

HERE she has been calling and disturbing for dunno how damn long and suddenly she unleashes this drunken tirade of F words on me about her bullshit?!?! and the worst thing which pisses me off is I DIDNT SLAM THE PHONE DOWN IN HER FACE. instead i held the receiver and just listened to her bullshit. i dont know why. and at the end of it all i still asked her do u wnat a number to call where u can find out more info and i actually searched online for her. and that was even after i told her that im just a student. like why the hell u telling me this BULLSHIT. but of course i didnt say that. so i actually gave her the number. and then she just put down the phone.

WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so pissed off at her and myself.. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

i really.. really dislike it when people are drunk.. i HATE the f word with a vengeance. i hate it. and u combine the two together and use it on me when it's nothign to do with me!!

IDIOT.

this morning when i woke up and was dilly dallying as usually.. comtemplating whether i should go to class coz i havent finished writing a paper.. and i heard someone scream oh my God. and i just instinctively drew the curtain.. and saw this..




white. hmm. o shit it's snow.

i've never seen or experienced it before obviously.. i am extremely stoic and dont understand why people have create such a big hoo-ha over it. but.. it was quite cool. was a bit of a mini-blizzard i think... rather.. exciting. hahaa

this is what it was like a few hours later


1 december. i just realised yesterday it was the last month of the year.. and today was thinking.. how this year has passed so extremely fast.. the last few years have been crazy for reasons.. but this year has been... prob the most dynamic year of my life ever.. both negative.. positive.. everything.. just so much has happened. i would never have imagined this.

you know how life kinda.. breaks up into parts in a sense.. i think this year represented that break.. i feel like such a kid still.. but i think there's no way i can be a kid anymore in some sense.. there's just a lot more.. things i need to be responsible for.
being away from home so much coz of army.. and now studies.. making an effort to keep-up friendships.. it isnt so easy when u dont face each other in school everyday.. accepting more responsibilities.. towards my career.. prob family too.. and esp myself.. feeling so much failure and helplessness.. and yet.. sometimes savoring.. (hmm. my spelling has become american) the fruits of my labor. hahaaa.. learning a lot more about people.. the good.. the bad.. both sometimes undistinguishable.. getting my first own bank account.. debit card.. shua-ing and shua-ing it.. if u think im suaku i dont give a shit.. facing the.. perils of being alone.. and having to be responsible for my own daily life.. everything. i think that's something ive struggled with a bit due to certain circumstances even though i know that independence is er.. one of my traits -_- but.. the journey of discovery has been tough but... pretty cool.. just basically.. accepting and taking more responsibility.. much more than before.. for everything. i dont know how to explain it.

it suddenly surfaced in my mind that a few years down the road i would look back and think.. o please. that change was nothing, coz so many more things would have taken place.. but no. i think.. and i am going to make this be.. that transition for me.

1 dec 2006. what an appropriate day

i surf msn for news and stuff everyday.. and i came across this article.. on the top 10 worst sports uniforms.. and i was thought that was kinda interesting.. so i clicked on it and saw

"Like it or not, we live in a superficial world. How you look and how you dress is taken as a representation of your self.".. yada yada..

hmmmm... interesting...

so i continue reading on.. anxious to see how ugly these uniforms are.. and then i see..

10. Newcastle United FC (home)
Jersey lifespan: 1894-present

The creator of the Newcastle United jersey didn't have a very colorful imagination; his gray thinking turned out a uniform that alternates between thick black and white stripes.

It's unclear whether he was inspired by the outfits of early 1900s jailbirds, hockey and football referees, or simply zebras. Whatever the case, none of these are really prime images to be affiliated with.


WHAT THE HECKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRAZY OR WHATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. o my goodness. this guy who wrote the article is a plain IDIOT. how the hell can it be UGLY?!?! it's not biasness or anything but i seriously think the black and white is damn cool. this is called classic, and it's more than a design.. it's come to be a kinda symbol of the immense passion that is the football of newcastle. and THIS IDIOT COMES ALONG WITH SOME STUPID JAILBIRD INTERPRETATION?!?!?!!

BLIND. damn bad taste.

i mean.. u're calling THIS ugly?!?!













OR THIS?!?!

















AND THE WORST THING IS... you're calling THISSSSS UGLY!?!?!

























grrrr... what a blind doofus.

i like to watch oprah.. sometimes.. but one reason i dont others.. or i find quite a bit of hypocrisy in some of the shows.. and unfortunately the host herself.. is her.. o man what's that word.. ok i cant remember the word but i am talking about.. just the show of her obvious wealth.. what she preaches.. is against materialism. a focus on the mind, the spirit, and yet, she showcases all these brands.. shows all this money.. a huge appreciate for a lifestyle of decadence.. another thing which really bugs me.. is how she.. advertises the appreciation of different... ____ _____.. and yet she herself.. ________ with it... it's like.. it really is doing one thing yet saying another.. and people just go along with how great it is that finally there's someone doing something other htan the norm... standing out for those who 'dont really seem to have it that great'.. when in actual fact.. it's a complete lie.. hypocrisy.. and the sad thing is how much this plays out in real life.. and people around.. dont realise it.. admire it.. i dont know. it bothers me a lot..

i wish.. sometimes i really wish i had a less active mind.. your mind kills me so so much sometimes.. i dont know.

something else i was thinking about.. why all these singers and actresses and what have u are all so 'good looking'.. well.. maybe not so much in the US as compared to asia but generally a fact.. like people praise him/she for being so young.. and so good looking.. but wow so talented as well.

i guess the question to ask is - why does it seem that only good looking people are talented? and the obvious answer is that that is complete bullshit.. it's just that society selects only these people to 'make appear' talented.. and even if they're not in the first place to be made into that product. im sure a lot of people know this. but my point is how much it bugs me when people go.. wow he/she is so good looking.. and also so talented! no. so many things in this world.. are just so overrated.. and it just continues on influencing generation after generation of people..

sometimes i think.. well.. i mean.. the world is in good hands.. like.. despite people's obvious stupidity at the lower ends over superficial things.. somehow things work fine.. countries work fine.. under control of the government etc.. but then i realise that is bullshit.. coz everyone is human.. even the people at the top.. lky is human, so is bush, so is that huge slice of shit which is osama binladen, and everybody, everybody has their stupid flaws... and then u look at the world.. usually u take for granted that everything is going well.. except for some things like.. o no... war in israel/palastine or.. iraq war.. but i mean.. it's ok.. its far away.. doesnt affect.. but if u look closely... u realise the world.. is really just.. collapsing in itself.. supported by all these humans with all their individual flaws.. and yet poeple look up to.. and rely on them coz if not.. what other hope do you have...

i dont know how to put it.. but sigh...

i guess... it can all be summarized.. in.. a cry for help.

i just had.. a really good thanksgiving.. because.. i dont think it was only for myself.. that it was only for my own benefit and fun.. and.. i really got to see what america was really like.. and how americans are.. and their life.. instead of travelling and all that.. coz honestly i dont give much of a crap about that stuff.. and im so grateful for all the warm hospitality extended to me...

i want to go home... but i cannot.. face doing so.
at a complete.. complete and utter loss..

it bothers me so damn much that you can do one thing.. but yet say another for someone else.. set a different standard. it's so fake.. and so selfish.. and it bothers me even more that this is just one example of the 'goodness' that this world is supposed to have

and.. sigh.. i dont know why i think this way.. i dont know whether im disillusioned.. but it bugs me a lot.. am i right or wrong? i dont know why i have to view them this way...

sigh.

i just remembered something when i was sitting in my political science lecture today.. something that pissed me off before i left singapore. i dont know whether it's appropriate to blog.. coz for certain reasons i cant shake off the feeling that most of my movements are somehow.. being.. watched. and the extremely level of sensitiveness that exists in singapore today. but. what the heck. ill just be vague.

before we left.. we attended a certain course... where they had all these high government official people.. people with a lot of.. experience.. at the top.. recognised by society as people very learned.. very deep.. much much much more than the average singaporean.. come in and speak...

yes. the topics were interesting. but i always feel like they.. well some of them just try to speak bout controversies and stuff..and everything they say has to be.. not the norm. and the people listening.. will be.. wow. so learned. this guy is so different. so knowledgeable. i dont know. i just feel like everyone tries to be controversial for the sake of being like WOW. coz singapore is kinda.. more.. 'docile' and 'tamed' so that's like o wow im different look at me. but please! BS.

but anyways the thing that pissed me off was... a certain person came to talk about things.. and he mentioned that studying international relations is the most useless degree.. like dont bother to waste ur time. it's useless. and a second person who came in.. echoed the same thing. later when we were doing some fantastic group discussion. yes that was sarcasm. a certain person the discussion said.. he/she had signed up to do international relations and oh no. now that these two people have said this, he/she is gonna change. it must really be useless.

........

THAT pissed me off. i think.. there is NO such thing as a useless degree. ur studies are what you make of it. whether you study business, engineering, international relations, whatever, sure u get the specific skills that u wanna bring to ur career next time.. but it's just so so much more than that. i think university is about growing up and learning about life more than anything else. and every degree has something to offer. and how dare these 2 'high class' 'respected' people in society say this. knowing how impressionable the people they're talking to are too. and the sad thing is that the person in my discussion group actually just followed through and absorbed it blindly.

another thing was.. there were these group presentations and someone said something extremely ignorant and basically an insult to the saf. til today it annoys me that i didnt speak up then coz i so badly wanted to. i mean.. if that's the direction that singapore is going.. towards being a cynical society for the sake of it? we're screwed.

now that im changing my major to international studies from political science.. but still doing a pol sci minor.. i think about those words and i worries me slightly that oh no.. am i earning a useless degree.. but WHAT THE HECK. i am gonna do what i want. and i think what im gonna study is gonna benefit me much. EVEN if it doesnt lead me directly into being a top gov bureacrat, or top engineer.. or doctor.. or what have you. it's all so bs man.

i think those few days were easily one of the most annoying periods ever. there was just so much.. i would think.. what's that word. yes. fakeness. hardly did i feel a sense of sincerity at all in that environment.. and that was supposed to be.. developing the future of singapore. during st, they offered another girl going for the scholarship a higher one than sms which is what i have now.. and i asked them whether i could try for it too. but of course the answer came back no. i would never fit into this, and obviously i dont have the qualifications. anyways and after all this. im so. damn. glad. im so grateful for what i have now. i cant believe i wanted more. and worse.

my friends.. we have been through a lot together..

hey man

does anyone want anything from amazon?? please tell me now asap.. coz im getting some stuff from there but i need somemore stuff to make up the free shipping.. if u want anything it's much cheaper coz im here in the US and books are definitely much cheaper there.. i can bring it back to sg in dec. please email me asap or tag on my board! thanks.

wei lynn

o man.. i am so.. shaken that i feel like crying.. and rejoicing at the same time..

it's 716 am.. and i just woke up from a damn damn bad nightmare.. i dont know. i have these a lot.. it was something like.. when i was younger.. i think 13 years old i got knocked down by a car.. twice i think.. and i kinda saw it like.. it knocked me over.. i went onto the lid.. and it drove around with me then.. this is a dream so even though everything sounds weird.. trust me in the situation it feels very real.. it's like.. he.. i mean God spared my life. but something told me that 6 years from that day. on the same day i would die.. i wont escape the fate that i almost met this time.
(erm. just a clarification. this is a dream. no. i wasnt knocked over in real life... although sometimes it feels like it)

o man i just realised something. 13 + 6 = 19.. everything adds up...

some things happened in between.. i went to a dream version of army. i never told anyone but when the day was coming.. somehow my mum and dad knew. and i thought maybe nothing would happen.. but something did some evil. evil presence appeared.. and i really thought i was going to die. everything was working out perfectly.. timing.. evil person..

somehow.. it came down to a game of russian roulette.. knowing how suay i am.. but it wasnt it. i didnt die. i was saved. but we ran to a 'safe' place.. yet he traced us down again.. but once again.. somehow.. i didnt die. none of us did. and at the end.. i cant remember now it's really hazy but some image of.. the Lord came up.. and i just felt him like.. speaking to me.. reassuring me of his presence.. even though everything.. not just my nightmare. but whatever obstacles...

when i woke up i was jus too shaken to move at all.. when i finally did i saw that i received a song from a friend who had been sending it before i slept.. it was the song 'still'.. actually i think it was on my com previously but i just never realised.. and i listened to it.. and it completely completely applied to me.. it just spoke to me.. sigh. suddenly i feel like through all that shit.. all that shit.. God was there.. and even more so now and in the future.. i dont know.i cant explain. i dont wanna explain.

i just feel a huge sense.. i feel extremely overwhelmed now.. and i just wanted to blog.. to keep it as a reminder.. the thing is. immediately after this.. i felt an extremely huge sense to suddenly place this on.. it was just a coincidence. christian songs just make u feel good. there is no substantial evidence that God exists.

but... something a friend told me some time ago.. i remember. and just read last night. for some reason. it is taking a lot and a lot of forgiveness.. and letting go on my part to write about this... but i will. imagine a long pause.. ok. someone told me a while ago about this message.. that when we never feel the lord's presence.. ever.. it's coz satan is roaming on here.. on this earth. But that's how.. God wanted it. he wants to use us to restore his lost kingdon on earth. He has all the power in the world to easily remove satan, but he didnt do it coz he wants to show his angels his wisdom in creating us.. men.. to destroy satan. so really we're just.. never alone. it's a victory we have to have.. over the devil when we feel this way. and after this.. suddenly it came up to me. my usual doubts everything. but i remembered this. and im.. just pushing away all of them.

faith is an incredibly hard to. i think im kinda like doubting thomas. faith is a super super difficult incredible concept. but i believe.. and know that the Lord has just been here all the way. through everything even now.. next time..

for anyone reading this.. i wont blog about it.. if i didnt wanna share it.. and.. i dont know. i hope it applies to u somehow too.. im so overwhelmed i just broke down for a while man. sigh. praise the Lord really.

hide me now, under Your wings
cover me, within Your mighty hand

when the oceans rise
and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still and know you are God

find rest my soul in Christ alone
know his power, in quietness and trust

when the oceans rise
and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still and know you are God

be still and know that i am God.
be still and know that i am God.
be still and know that i am God.

Isaiah 43 -
he's called us by name
when we go through the deep water of great trouble
when we go through the rivers of great difficulty we will not drown
when we walk through the fires of oppression we will not be burnt up
and the flames will not consume us
because he is our God

earthly things are but.. earthly things. i dont know how to explain it. but i just picked up my handphone with a sense of disgust. hahahaa.. sigh.

i think i solved something.. i dont know. i always complain why God.. ok not complain but think. why God speaks so easily to others and never to me. why I never really feel his presence.. i just kinda realised.. its a 2 way relationship. if i dont actively seek him.. coz faith is just really.. so simple.. yet difficult.. it's a relationship.. that u need to be the effort in.. to speak to him.. everything.. sigh.

happy. finally. for once. happy.

i just found out from my mum. that my sis fainted when they went out to celebrate my bro's birthday prob eat at swensens... as usual.. she was admitted to hospital and discharged in two days. it might seem like nothing.. but it's i think the fourth time she's fainted for no reason. twice in school. once with my mum at the bus stop while i was in camp. sigh. im in a bit of a shock now. i really wanna be home.. please pray for her. she worries me.. a lot coz of her thinking.. her actions.. she emailed me previously.. and something very shocking.. i was just.. so sad and so shocked.. i emailed her back.. and she never replied after that.
and my mum tells me that.. everything she goes to the hospital she always says how nice it is over there... o man i am so so worried... :'( :'( :'(

i hope.. i really hope she's ok..

wow. so i just heard that's some stupid rumour abt me back home! soooo sooo bull----. it's hilarious. the things people will do or images they create to satisfy their boredom and wild wild untamed tongues. hilarious. sad. and just plain stupid.

and.. in this situation.. very unprofessional.

ive been hearing things. which make me quite sad. why. why cant guys just have platonic relationships with girls. why cant the whole world just be friends (yea ok i kinda know the answer. so it's a rhetoric question. but let me just say why for the sake of saying why). why. why. why.

some things ive seen and known.. in recent times have made me very disappointed with the male species.

˜∫∫˜√´∑œåß∂ƒ©˙∆˚¬…æ“πøˆ¨¥†®´∑œª•¶§§∞¢£™¡`

WHOA. COOL ****!!!!

i realised by pressing dodwn the er... apple key on the mac and pressing other stuff all this stuff emerges.
hurhur. super suaku. but it's ok. (:

anyways. i wanted to say... i find it quite funny.. sad.. and very 'huh'.. when i see sec 1 girls talk about seeming to be tortured by life.. or by love.. relationship problems.. or saying things like.. bitch.. or whatever.. sigh. growing up so fast.. and only so young.. and other than that also despite the seeming maturity being damn childish... sigh please man. sec 1. enjoy ur time with ur girl friends doing the stupidest things in the world. why get all angsty and give a crap about boys who are prob more immature than u if that was possible. sigh. i think ill look back a few years down the road and be like huh what the heck was i thinking too.

but seriously. sometimes that sec 1 mentality.. like relationship stuff or whatever.. it never goes away. even in 20 plus people.. or people my age. hahaa it just manifests itself in a different form.. sad.

im slightly worried for u. i think... u can get better than that.



- Daryl Cage. MSNBC.com

quite sad indeed.

sigh. this is a sad sigh.. and a contented sigh.. i miss cadet days.

5th night. and it continues. i stop around 8 plus to go to a class i havent went to in three weeks, and the class is empty, except for one equally bewildered guy. i come back and i feel super tired. but continue on the paper a little. i decide to rest my head for a few seconds and the next thing i know. BAM. it's 115.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

i just missed a super important class.. AGAIN.. as im typing this im missing the next one.. AGAIN and no im not missing it to blog it's coz i havent finished my paper which i need to hand up at the end of this one.

earlier this week i tried so hard to be a guai kia and go for class..i totally resisted the temptation to go back tomy room to sleep coz i hadnt all night, and both lectures i went.. i SLEPT. learnt and absorbed crap. just slept. and it was damn important hadnt gone for the last three. sigh.

actually i think i just really deserve this. that.. and i am very suay :(

i really dont have time right now.. but there're things i must say or i will most definitely explode. i shall be a geek.. and list them in order.. coz im too tired to think of.. like.. paragraphing now...

(1) my blog layout sucks. it's damn annoying to read. but i love the picture.. sigh. those were the days..i will change it when i go back to sg... yea i paid one month's salary to come back to sg to hole myself up at home and play with html. i love being a geek.

(2) i realised that annoying memories.. just disappear. you really cant remember and u doubt that they even happened.. i guess time does really.. permit forgiveness in a sense

(3) i make a promise now.. that im going to cut down on saying shit. not entirely.. i guess.. coz sometimes there's just no other better substitute for an exclamation or reflection of extreme feelings. why i decided this.. firstly.. i really just need to project better behavior. i think ive just gotten so used to.. being.. the guy. or.. not the girl.. or like just some trash at the side of the road.. and.. honestly.. i want to be better than that. secondly would be.. it really doesnt sound good at all. and thirdly would be.. my roommate and i.. we get along well but we are very very different.. whatever i am like - she is the opposite.. and she uses the f word the whole entire time at first i didnt really care coz im super easy going.. but a few days ago.. it started to annoy me.. a little.. it's just really.. awful to hear so much swearing.. and i dont wanna be like that myself.. weird huh considering my career choice. but so what. back in ocs.. i mean im totally ok like for the fun of it or whatever.. (even though of course.. less is best) but sometimes.. i did get a little annoyed.. here it's just excessive.. but yea.. hey it taught me something. more on roommate point later.

(4) it's official i have survived four nights without sleeping. my body clock is totally.. flipped. on the plus side, there wont be jet lag when i go back to sg. like in. er. 1+ months

(5) in the past 2 weeks ive received letters from home from 2 people who i like. a lot. hahaa. and the thing is.. they both gave me the same thing - magnetic bookmarks. is it the in thing back home now? hahaa ive seized to believe in coincidences anymore.. thank you.. i love it :D and one of u.. the one with the snotface. ur letter is damn siaocharbo.

(6) i went for lecture today and the professor was out of town.. so the teaching assistant did it.. i dont know how the singapore system works but if it's different.. teaching assistants are grad students/juniors/seniors and they take discussions.. like 'tutorials'. o man that horrible word seems so foreign and long ago.. sadly. if it's the same system in singapore.. then just take it that im a mountain tortoise. but anyways he was kinda nervous and stuff.. and people just started leaving one by one.. and i just felt that.. that was so damn rude. it's quite sad. but yet those who stayed.. continued to participate in the lecture. i wanted to contrast this with things in singapore.. but both sides have their good and bad. i wont go into that. brain. not. working.

(7) last and most crucial point... living with my roommate and being 'exposed' to the other kinda life.. has taught me something. other than realising that i am really a guai kia and geek, i realised that.. i like how things are... with my life and my friends, people who i choose to hang out with, the things we do. i mean im definitely NOT guai. i think quite a few people can vouch for that.. but yet in some ways.. i think i really am. in primary school - i was perceived to be ultimate guai. somehow things just.. er. changed. from there. but the point is.. sometimes to be honest i really wonder how it's like for those people who are perceived to be 'in'. you know.. the kind who do sports/good looks/rich/club/hang out a lot/flirt. yea ok im making generalisations. so scrap that. i mean just people who generally.. belong to the perceived level of 'coolness' and very in or whatever and every night go out have fun.. things like that.. and like. wow.. i wonder how it would be if i was more.. like that.. in a sense. instead of being a guai geek. but i've realised... that bull****. im really glad my life turned out this way. my roommate keeps asking me to go out to clubs.. bars.. but it makes me realise even more so that's not what i want at all.. im just content with being alone.. or with a few good friends.. just eating.. watching a movie.. talking. that's all i need for all my life and it's enough. i dont need 'fun'. and i think.. life has been pretty good to me coz it has really just sent me the best friends anyone could ask for. they're just such great people in their own right. yes this is the millionth time im saying this but who cares. undeserving. that's the only words that pops to mind. and of course i would be refering to myself. not them.

Your Birthdate: November 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

beware SHITTY english.. i read it over and it's like.. what the heck am i writing.. completely reflects the state of mind of not having slept for 3 nights in a row.. only for 3/4 hours in the day.. which is to continue.. sigh. shit. my body is in damn bad condition now... my head..

o man my head is POUNDING.. it's killing me.. i havent slept since i woke up at 4pm.. after not sleeping the previous night and sleeping at 1230pm.. it's 911 am now and ive just taught myself 6 chapters of econs from when i woke up.. im dying. dying. but i cant sleep or i'll miss my class at 12.. again. sigh.

my favourite new show is the daily show with jon stewart.. didnt get to watch it in singapore tv.. started watching it on youtube.. got hooked. it's just so damn hilarious.. and it delivers the news at the same time.. and esp with its whole polical thing...

the election is on going now.. and o man.. i dont know it's just so exciting.. for me.. one thing i dont really like about the daily show is how bush is made out to be a complete fool.. and he honestly really seems like one.. but it's just.. editing and biasness man.. i mean you cant really except things on surface value.. who the hell can be the US president without some shitty depiction.. or opposition.. it's kinda sad.. coz i think i lean more towards republican than democrat.. the senate is being contested very closely now.. hope the republicans win.. my sudden interest in politics.. not singapore that is.. makes me think whether i should change my decision about change my major.. sigh will think about it more on friday.. now. there's just too much on my mind..

and of course in other news.. when i went online yesterday.. msn.com.. that's where i get my news now.. stunned.

BRITNEY DIVORCE.

hahahaa. o man. even before my econs exam this morning my prof was talking about it.. somehow this seems to be overshadowing the election somewhat.. hahaa.. i dont even know why im talking about her when i dont give a shit about all this kinda stuff.. but wow. it's been a long time coming man. great great move. kfed seems like such a loser.. but o man.. now he seems kinda pitiful.. but stop it. i must stop being soft hearted. yea even to retarded things like this which are so totally non of my business but at least im willing to admit that its interesting and actually blogging about it. ha. hmmm.. just hope this revives her career. she doesnt have the best voice.. but it's not the worst either and she's a damn good performer.

and.. amos just sent me this poem.. which i thought was written exclusively for me.. hahahaa but apparently not!
amos. he sent me a poem last time before i left.. and i was like whoa... soooooooo touched.. even though honestly after lit in jc.. i got a bit sick of them.. i appreciate things sure but not when u disect them like some piece of meat or something.. that was before i found out that he wrote it for roshni.. and a few othe rpeople who were going overseas too..

serious heartbreak. really. but it's ok amos. u are forgiven... (: (:

----------------------------------------------------------------

army elf

notes written during guard duty

17:30

His smart four is tucked into innocent pockets and folds, and clings earnestly to his limp but supple shoulders. He refuses to sit, instead he paces around the guardroom. Elf gimlets tend and trim the Christmas tree in the centre. Brushing his boots against the floor, his ankles catch the sunny fluorescent light quiet black gleams, wary smiles

20:00

He talks very little, gives very little away
He tells us he is twenty-two, studies Mathematics on an army scholarship.
Twelve, studies the volumes of chimneys and the shapes of socks, an elf’s gift.
His commands are polite. He is Santa’s sergeant.
He watches. Sometimes amused, sometimes from afar, godling born under a distant star

Sentry

he slings a rifle
over shoulders that
sigh
for a mouth
forbidden
to speak

The moon shares his secrets, winking at him from its milky crescent hood many nights ago he galloped past the moon with the illusion of going through it

23:59 (off duty and

It would not be accurate to say that he was not meant for such a life: it is only a different sort of green. Grinning green of lalang and weeds (winking mistletoe), chalk green helmets (green felt caps), camouflage green smart-four (elf’s suit, camouflaged to protect surprises and a child’s imagination).

0:00

From one of the massive pockets of his SBO (Santa’s hat), he evinces some fantastical sleight of hand and draws out a grubby Kinokuniya bag wrapping paper crinkle, scotch tape rip, ribbon ruffle. His fingers hungrily, but softly uncover a glossy paperback (Memoirs Of A Geisha). He tackles the pages gingerly, almost as if they will shatter and vanish in his magical grasp –


(0:01/23:59)

but they only crumple to the static drumbeats of the Singapore anthem. Christmas carols, little drummer’s boy.

Smartly he goes, left right left right left right left: but there is a distant air to his marching saddling the reindeers, prowling the midnight air above children’s bedrooms

08:00, change of guards

In the morning as I leave the guardroom, I look back until he disappears from my view like a child who, taught to unlearn the Santa Claus myth, wakes up for water at the first stroke of Christmas morning and glimpses the tails of an elf’s suit stealthily retreat into the darkness behind the Christmas tree not before winking at him

- amos toh

i realise i wanna blog when i have something... i want to remember.. a point to make..

anyways today is election day here in the US.. and it's kinda cool coz this time. i actually really know what's going on coz of studying US politics and gov in political science... i've been in classes with a professors really passionate about the US government.. and a class with a vietnam war veteran as a professor.. where he kinda presents the other, more radical view.. albeit in a more quiet, subtle nature.. and to see some american students.. esp in my vietwar class.. have solid stands and views on democrats/republicans/war or whatever it is.. somehow.. that's something i appreciate here.. there's even a voting room downstairs cant believe it..

at least for hte first time in my life i'll be really interested to see how this election plays out.

hmmm.. in other minor news.. i am going to change my major to international studies with a political science minor. haa. i just want a broader scope. learn new language. study abroad. and at the end of the day - pol sci is a lot of work.. well not so much taht it's completely unmanageable of course it is! but im just a big idiotic slacker. it really interests me though.. but id ont wanna go into politics.. like please.. im so bullyable ill just get kicked around. so. minor is great :D it's just a little less than the major.. like 2 classes less.. and i can still do stuff like international security.. crisis diplomacy.. etc.. and i just signed up for a class next sem which is gonna be taught by gandhi's grandson on comparative politics in developing nations :D am actually 1% excited about class. how rare is that.

am going through a damn hellish period of work now.. until this friday it is gonna be crazy. i might not survive. but i will. then after that it's still gonna be crazy but slightly less. sigh. ok. come on. i am made of tougher stuff.

i was having a shit day that day.. and opened my mailbox and there was mail.. from singapore... (: it was something that didnt seem like much in 'reality' so to speak.. but to me it was huge. hahaa that sentence comes out so wrong but WHO GIVES A CRAP. i can use whatever crap english i want. made my day. thanks bao en :D

counting my blessings. i am so damn lucky to be here. so l ucky to experience study hell here. i realise that i've turned into what i hate most (out of many other things) - a big fat whiner. stop it. it'll change.

i FINISHED the paper. FINALLY. havent had ANY sleep last night coz i was done at 530 am.. had a class at 8 and knew if i got some rest.. i would wake up at 2.. o man. now another paper to finish today.. dont even know where to begin.. and i need some sleep.. this week is gonna be crazy. o man. massive headache. one hour of sleep. i can wake up. i will wake up.

i think im doing a pretty good job of updating my life. it's amazing, compared to the lack of crap i used to write. but just typing all this.. i dont know.. it really is just a damn good outlet for some thoughts.

as i sit in front of my com at 140 am trying to finish a pol sci paper on syria accountability.. and knowing the shit that lies ahead for the next two days.. i was just thinking about my time so far in the US.. and i realised that.. it can be summed up in the airheaded sentence that life in the US.. is just.. life. i think people who know me will get me.

i need to change my body clock.. i sleep at 6 am and wake up at 1/2 pm. and then miss a shitload of classes. BUT. for the next two days this regime must continue. come on come on come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do it. do it. do it. do it. a TA has already given me massive leeway and yet im still taking advantage of it. i really am an idiot. seriously if i knew someone who was doing what i did. i would hate that immoral.. well ok not very immoral.. but that totally idiotic person.

sometimes it seems just so easy when u know that.. to just change that ONE thing.. and then everything would be different. but things are never as easy as they may seem man. maybe fortunately. or unfortunately. because then everyone would be perfect. how damn freaky is that.

by hook or by crook

sun
(1) 2 eco
(2) PS TP!!!!!! crap.
(3) HIST TP lib

mon
(1) borrow HIST TP lib
(2) finish writing the damn thing
(3) 2 eco

tues
(1) yusuke
(2) eco eco eco until i die

wed
(1) 2 ealc essays
(2) 2 vietwar
(3) study abroad
(4) subjects reg
(5) email

i've been given too many chances. and due to no one's fault other than my own. i've thrown them all away.
cant now. next 4 days. crucial. crucial. crucial.

sigh.

george bush is much maligned.. i dont care that the whole world bullshits like hell about him. being the president of the us of a is.. prob.. the most difficult job in the world.. i thought so before and esp after i studied this stuff. i think.. he's just presented wrongly. and unfortunate timing of terrorism and all that crap. poor bush. these words sound so simplistic and childish against all those bush haters who use sophisticated prose with cheem words of skepticism or is it skeptism.. somehow.. i dont know which one looks better.. more correct.. (wait.. this word is correct right.. it's late. i cant think. or spell. never could.) yes. i think it's skepticism. :S. this is pathetic. but seriously. people just like to cheem things up to boost their credentials. for what man. speak and write for the masses.
if u're singaporean. then speak like one la. im proud of singlish man. at APPROPRIATE times.
wow. i just found out. congratulations. u wont read this but i am really really happy for you.
it starts tomorrow. really. everything. ive just wasted too much.
i hated it back then. looking back. i miss it. seemed to be so carefree. and yet i wanted an end. i think the process might be repeating itself. i better treasure this coz there's really not much to look forward to. im curious. but not like come come come.
mg.jc. come back to me.
we're watching born on the fourth of july on thursday in my vietwar class. i CANNOT wait. i love that show. it's what intrigued me about the whole vietnam war vet situation. tom cruise is great in it. i feel sorry for how things have turned out for him.. it's a waste. but that is not the point. it's a fantastic show. gary sinise is great too.
worried.worried.worried.
i hope bao en is doing good.

i keep calling my dormroom my bunk. and getting laughed at. what's wrong with that. it's my bunk isn't it. a bunk is a room with beds. and my room has beds. somehow.. im missing those days. i think the most annoying parts of the day then were after meals.. coz u looked forward so much to them.. and they were over in a blink of an eye.. and then ur brain has to start worrying again. what i miss is my bunk. i miss my bunk. just slacking around... during those RARE times.. cleaning.. i miss that sense of community... o man. i think i miss being a cadet.

an email from mindef earlier int he year on things on the restrictions on our blogs. i cant remember what it said. but. i am trying to keep to that.

hahahaa. seriously. what a damn boring entry. but i dont give a shit. it's for me. i just wanna type forever.. coz it just brings u to somewhere u are not now... how how how? sigh. wei lynn. only you can save yourself. i am going mad. i really am. im not a good person.. not at all.

anyways. cat. this is for u. can see? (:(:(: i dont know why.. i dont feel like i sound nasal at all.. but on video.. o my goodness. i have terrible terrible diction. sec 2 pw. i love it. what the hell were we thinking.





missed. there's a bit of flower la nvm... CLASSIC.

sigh. ive been mulling over this.. for very long..
and it just finally hit me.. what the hell was i thinking..
they're going to drop me.. really..
for once i think i overestimated myself..
and i might go down in history in disgrace.

sigh. help.

help.

wa crap. i realised the building from my window (which is another hall) looks like HDB.

HURRAY SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! splendid indeed :D

SO what if my view doesnt include the london bridge or some amazing lake or some beautiful trees or something like that. i have a FREAKING hdb. jealous right! I KNEW IT.

something to always remember...

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

whenever i see verses like this.. i go hmmm.. then i start to regret/feel ashamed about a lot of things. and after 5 mins.. ok time to collect laundry.. time to zone out.. (this occus 99.9% of the time).. time to go back to feeling stressed bout my shitty grades.. i guess.. in a way.. religon doesnt come easy.. well.. ok faith doesnt come easy.. i dont know how to put it across.. but it needs some effort.. effort to do QT.. effort to go to church no matter what.. effort to remember things.. and esp.. an effort to stick up for you believe right by religon...

but anyways.. i always feel like i can never talk to God. like.. really know u're talking. honestly.. when things are so busy and ok.. he slips out of my mind completely.. and when im dying (like now) he suddenly comes back in.. and ahhh.. will prayer help this time.. i dont know.. praying is seriously like talking.to.the.wall. only that even the wall isnt present.. so it's kinda like the air...

i think.. im a very ungrateful person.. towards the Lord. i was thinking of the many times in my life where it seems that something impossible.. became possible. sometimes i would want to put them down to.. it's just that sometimes in life shit happens.. and good stuff happens..

let's see somethings i can recount...
(1) going for overseas camps twice.. despite complete lack of $$$...
(2) surviving sec 4
(3) being a shit student in jc.. but still somehow managing to do s paper.. which i failed. but by then it didnt matter :D
(4) being a shit student still.. but yet managing to get the As results that i needed.. and prove some people wrong.. YES.. but that's just my inner childishness speaking.. most importantly.. it gave me what i wanted..
(5) somehow finding a 'direction'.. getting past first round interview into army.. and then eventually finding my service and getting a scholarship..

and.. there're a lot of other things i realise.. which will not be written down... and even out of all the bad.. i mean.. if not for that shit i wont be where i was today either.. it's so easy to look at someone else's life and go crap. that person is so lucky or whatever.. but im just being a complete fool. i do count my blessings.. but on few occasions.. how the heck did i.. with no cash.. with crap grades.. with zero saka-ing skills.. (i thank god i had zero. or i cant live with myself) end up today in the US in a dorm typing this when every second, they are draining the money out of my sponsors.. amazing.

now im here.. im like.. o why is my uni blah blah blah.. why is my life blah blah blah coz of me.. but why is theirs blah blah blah... (what a seriously singaporean sounding sentence.. and whoa someone just let out a massive groan from somewhere.. very interesting).. but i believe.. i was put here for a reason.. my studies have been shit for a reason.. just like.. my career choice.. despite seemingly clashing with my personality a little.. has been chosen for a reason.. so.. everything will work out in the end... right? :D

sigh. as i face an insurmountable mountain of crap ahead.. like really.. am so dead.. i guess i just have to trust and believe.. that i can do it.. i know people back in sg are praying for me.. they have been all along.. and esp since i went into army.. so yea.. ha. i should go pray too.. sigh.. ok back to this impossible term paper.. i have just mapped out a crazy course of study.. yea despite my shit grades now i still have time to do that. i am such a retard. let's just see what God wants for me...

on a completely unrelated note.. there is someting wrong with my room. it's drugged or something.. every time outside i feel find.. but when i sit down on this chair.. my head starts to feel DAMN woozy.. super headache.. and my eyelids are very heavy.. im not kidding this is not a psychological thing.. i dont nkow if it's coz im beside the heater.. sigh. but it kills me. there must be drugs in the air. seriously :( :( :(

one more thing i learnt recently too.. u really are learning the entire time.. constantly.. there're so many lessons to be learnt in life. it's how much u wanna absorb.. remember.. or are willing to humble yourself to realise.. i learnt that.. i really need to keep my emotions in check. when i think i am.. im not.. sigh. calm down.

so anyways one last thing (ha. i think this is just a massive excuse not to go back to the reality of doing work. but it's ok. i like it. i hate how i regret blogging everytime i finish. but STOP IT WEILYNNN!!!!!! such an idiot really. yea. i have become so lonely that i talk to myself now.. alot.. no.. just kidding.. ok STOP. argh.
so yea. some people have been complaining.. commenting that my blog is pathetic at updating my life.. others have said that they're looking forward to seeing my pictures when i come back to singapore. unfortunately to that i can say.. i have none -_-. yea i bought a freaking lumix and i have 4 pictures of autumn leaves. not taken by me. so i decided to satisfy both groups of people with a few pictures.. and i even asked my roommate to help me take 2. one is dedicated to danielle. another i hope.. will satisfy people so much so that the requests to take pictures of my actual face. will decrease. and with this hope.. i shall post these...



my table... well.. ok other than the autumn leaves.. this and the next 2 were taken a while ago...




the SPLENDID view from my window.. hahaa but that's ok (:




my room.. as of 2 months ago.. well my side that is.. th sheets are now blue.. i have a miniature fan.. and a dark blue comforter.. no i hate blue. but i didnt wanna get black. too depressing.




(: one of the best gifts ever...





if u see your stuff on my shelf.. either.. i was too lazy to put it anywhere.. or u are very much treasured.. (: (: (:




dee/sarah/meixi.. i think i used to do this to one of u in vj.. or all of u.. with hand semi-rotating from side to side..

AND NOW FOR THE FINALE...







dee this is for u.. ur common face.. somehow. u look way better.. and sigh. something which i regret taking already..

PS: grace and nette and alicia.. the cd u guys gave me is on my shelf.. but hidden.. i just rmembered its existence.. thank u.. i am so undeserving.

i didnt expect that. but thank you for it.

let me just say something. i take a lot of pride in the fact that im an an saf scholar. not pride in myself, but as a representation of the organisation.

it doesnt matter what i say. whether im worried. whatever. ive accepted it and am only gonna look forward. if i hadnt gone in since january, i wont really be who i am today either. and i owe it to them to do well. im gonna make it worth their while.

not gonna say much more. coz this issue with blogs is pretty sensitive. but yea.

and people who dont know me, dont know the other saf girls. im sorry but you dont have the right to prejudge us at all.

Amazing Love

I'm forgiven
because you were forsaken
I'm accepted,
you were condemned
I'm alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do, to honor you

You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King

sigh. i have a political science term paper due on friday on the history of a bill.. which has so much to do.. it's wed 945 pm now.. but i cant be bothered to do it.. i am gonna try to throw all caution to the wind.. and just write freely.. i just need to write.. i need somewhere to put down all my thoughts coz they're exploding inside me now.. but yet.. i dont know what to say..

i was looking through my friendster testimonials.. i dont know.. maybe i just feel kinda lonely.. i miss people.. i miss home.. and i realised.. i think i have changed a lot.. i used to be so crazy.. had some semblance of character.. had some brains.. had quite a wide social network.. and i think i used to be happy with myself. or at least i never thought about it.. but i changed. and the difference shows.. in my testimonials i think.. i just changed. and honestly.. i really dont like the person ive become. i think.. i've just become so quiet.. complete lack of confidence or self-esteem.. pessimistic.. i dunno.. just.. negative stuff. and looking at myself.. i just really dont like what i've become.

and.. i've just been looking at the transition.. from mg.. to jc.. to army.. all three periods.. were so different.. and it hink army just represented that complete break from the past.. it's like i can just never return to what i was before.. and.. looking back.. i dont like who i was in army. i dont know. i think i worked my ass off.. tried to just do my best.. and.. i think i just tahaned quite a bit of shit too. i dont know... i just really.. dont like the person ive become. i dont know whether its part of growing up.. or because the realities of the world.. are just being presented more to me each day.. i dont know.

in university now. even more so, i really dont know the person i am. i just dont know myself anymore. i dont know how to speak. behave. what to do. once upon a time, i actually had something called charisma. that is all but gone now. i know u should never look back.. but i think ive just become a shadow of my former self.

i find it difficult to relate with people. i dont know why... i miss my friends.. friends that i dont know why i just felt so comfortable with.. life just seemed to have so much colour.. and it became so black and white.

when kristin passed... i thought.. wow. you know. it really puts things into perspective.. like how precious life is.. and o man.. i really really do miss kristin... i miss all the shit we did together.. i remember once on the plane to england.. she suddenly turned to me and asked me.. whether she could stick with me and alicia.. and that kinda touched me like really coz she would never ask that.. and i remember.. i cried buckets. when i went for her service.. and saw that the bear i gave her.. she kept it til the end.. sigh. :'(

i dont know.. im only 18.. but i just dont like what i see in the future.. the world just seems so damn cold and cut-throatish and damn superficial. and i think honestly after sec 3 i really really lost the ability to be happy again. to just be truly happy.

now that im living my 'dream', i find that this dream..not that much of a dream after all.. u know what i mean? it's just a reality. haha. a sudden thought - maybe this is becaue guys started to exist more in my world.. well not specifically in my world because i dont have many close guy friends.. but like. i have been 'exposed' to them more. and they have caused this destruction! but of course not.... i better not think this. i've jut signed 10 years of my life to be surrounded by them.

something someone said to me that day.. i took slight offence to. or rather, it kinda annoyed me. this place is not safe, so i shall try to codify this.. something along the likes of.. hope u're not feeling like.. u cannot be compared to someone coz the she's very popular with the guys and as for u, u have no news. hahahaaa.. such a childish thing right. i dont know. as much as i would like to say no.. i do care about what people think of me. but when i heard that i was like. what the hell. i am not that pathetic as to give a shit!!!! come on man. i honestly thought over it carefully and it was seriously like i give a SHIT! o man. it just annoys me that there could even be a possibility of that. if im not attractive, that is my problem. if im attractive, that is not ur problem. i dont know. i digress.
someone told me too... that maybe.. i should try to change a bit.. be more sociable.. make an effort to join in more.. talk more.. whatever. i know it's good intentions. but that's not how i am. i dont like to join in conversations which i have absolute no interest in or nothing to contribute. i cannot laugh fakely. i can only laugh when i find something truly genuinely hilarious. i like to get to know people one-on-one. and i make an effort to know people.. not coz i should not because i wanna fit in, but becaues i am genuinely interested in them. it just makes me.. annoyed how superficial everything is.. and then it is assumed that i would want to fit into that mould. i wont. i will never change myself to make things seem 'better'.. to seem more 'sociable'. im sorry. i cant be anything different.

someone said to me today about religon.. people only seem to go to religon in times of crisis.. and when bad things happen.. they blame it on God... i thought about it.. the former.. is very very true for me.. i realised. i am absolutely guilty of God. til now. til today. i can still say, i am unsure of God's existence. somewhere inside i think.. i truly believe he is there. but i stil have so many doubts. but i realised.. i dont blame shit on god. i blame it all on myself. i never blame others ever... not coz im some saintly crap, but i just am so used to blaming shit on myself. like. o man i deserve this shit. or whatever. (wow. i really sound liek a damn bimbo in the last few sentences). i dont know. i really dont know.

the comments some people have made to me.. have just been quite saddening. hahaa. i wish i wasnt so like vulnerable-ish man. right now. i am trying to make up for my studies - i am not gonna do well this semester i know it. until i heal myself. until i settle that. what do i do? im so tired of it. it's just been too long. turn to god? how? i've been listening to christian songs for the past few hours...after dinner i just slept.. slept slept.. i just didnt wanna wake up at all... after that.. i felt kinda better.. i feel better typing this.. still sad.

it infuriates me. it infuriates me how people can dare to do things which seem so great, respectable, compassionate, whatever, and then all for hte sake of claiming a shitload of credit for it.

i was reading caroline's testimonial. and i think.. that's so accurate. but unfortunately, line, i think im going downhill rather than up. hahaa i dont think people look up to me or 'adore' me anymore. i am just.. not in one bit adorable. i dont know. i honestly believe i have lost any character. and like. in a way. i have lost myself. hahaa and i cant believe i am starting to tear up. i was when i was talking about kristin. now i think im just sad how everything has turned out.

hahaaa. i know. i sound so chlidish.. and o please.. she's only 18.. or o please.. the world is full of starving people or whatever. yea u're right. coz i think about that too. liek when i read someone who's so damn full of self-pity for him or herself over something seemingly so stupid. like shut up already man u ungrateful piece of crap. but yea. u know. sometimes. just need to vent.

someone just msged me on msn.. hahaa it amazes me... when i still find out i matter to people.. coz i feel like.. the whole world has moved on without me. somehow.

anyways just wanna say somethings to some people.. who might or might not read this...

bao en - i really respect you man. hahaa even though we didnt really get the chance to speak much or whatever... i just cant express too much how proud i am of how u're doing... sigh. unfortunately there is no english substitution for jiayou.. so yea jiayou man bao en (: i think im just so proud of how far u've come since wocc that sometimes it confuses me with jealousy, or envy. but i could never be, coz i really genuinely want u to succeed and do well we're in this together man!

wan ling - hahaa.. i think we're quite different in character.. but yea.. i cannot wait to spent winterbreak together.. great girl.. great great asset to the navy.. intelligent.. (: im glad.. that we made this together.

sabsay - my best friend in primary school. we did so so so much stupid stuff together. we havent spoken for a while.. but yea really man. in a way.. we'll be like.. best friends forever. argh so mushy and corny.. but really man really.

kristin - i suddenly miss you.. a lot.

my mg friends... the whole gang.. xue ai, cat, manda, germ, alicia, sab, maggot, myra, denise.. hope i didnt leave out people.. - i really miss the days of just absolute freedom where everything was so innocent... miss all of u more than u'll ever know.

grace and nette - grace.. hahaa thank you thank you for ur endless words of encouragement... nette.. im glad u've just supporting me during mg... esp jc.. sigh. miss hanging out with u guys man.

to my vj friends.. sarah.dee.meixi.hazel.mel.diana - u made me believe in the world again. believe that goodness exists.. seriously.. as corny as that sounds. and i treasured.. and still treasure this friendship a lot.. sigh. i really miss you guys...

my family... there's nothing more important than blood there really isnt.. it doesnt matter how many arguments.. how much shit.. how many police visits.. how much chaos.. havoc.. it's kinda weird.. but i would die for them man. i really would. sounds freaking childish. but SO WHAT. who gives a shit. i hope none of them reads this. i will. i WILL. melt and die.

and.. there is none like you.

sometimes.. it irritates me that coz of my absolute hate of taking pictures.. there's hardly any memories of my life... but i managed to find some.. pictures that matter. (:


daddy, me, bro. i miss birthdays... when we were so young and innocent.. i've never really celebrated my birthday after that.. it's hilarious.. it was so routine.. like birthday.. buy cake.. sing.. hahahaa.. eat cake.. sigh. hilarious. o man :'( :'( i really want to go home.. now... :'(:'(:'( my birthday is coming up... i think im spending it alone. hahaa. i just miss how hilarious and innocent things used to be.. :'(,br>

me :D

why.. why!! hahaa i think when i was young i actually had SOME potential to look ok. sigh. something bad must have happened in between.. and it did.. and o man.. my eyes were bigger. haha why why are they so pathetic now! actually i know why. i mean eyeballs dont grow right. but my face did. sigh.


my sister


mother father


brother.. hahaa i miss how mch.. 'closer' we used to be...


my dad and sis.. i love this pic.. :( everything i love makes me sad...



MG DAYS.. it's so sad i was looking through all my few mg pics.. and i never really found.. a proper picture which we took.. which i was in.. but it doesnt matter.. as long as i can remember my friends... (:










weird. i dont remember ever looking like this


and.. vj days...



the early days.. with dee and sarah... wonder what they thought of me then.. (: and check out the hair!!! it's... well.. longER.


my favourites (:(:(


daryl nette and i.. during army days.. but o well.. vj friends (:



army.. honestly.. i have mixed feelings about army days.. somehow.. i dont know whether i turned into a wworse person.. myself.. i really dont know. i hope not. but.. i cant get out of it. i kinda live army now. even though i was in there for short. havent been to unit. somehow it's just quite a big part of who i am now.


daryl and i. i actually look really happy here. im glad. hahaa i just realised again really that im definitely not the best looking person in the world. i have a slightly constipated smile. and when i dont smile, i just look retarded. but who gives a shit right. hahaa. i used to think hey. maybe it's coz i just dont photograph well. i dont know how to 'work' the camera. but i have realised that actually. it's just how i look. hahaaa.. o man. but yea ok. that's fine. (:


beloved baoen


lta allen


cpt seah


suddenly.. that PS paper.. doesnt seem so important anymore... studies seem like nothing.. the only reason why i want to do well is coz i have a moral obligation to do so.. i guess ive been suckered up into the singaporean ideal of getting 4.0. and i know i never will. i dont want to. i just want to apologise to my teachers for not attending class. i just dont want to do anything 'wrong' and get good grades to get by, to get into grad school, to not be unfair to myself. i will be prob stressed later over my paper, coz there's no way i can hand it up on time. but so what. i'll worry about that later.. (:

i realised in a way.. even if im sad for the rest of my life.. it doesnt matter.. does it? coz after going through all my photos and stuff.. i realised how how lucky i am to have met everyone i have met.. it's really really the people around u who matter.. it's so cliche.. but to see them happy.. just makes me freaking damn happy.. so bye wei lynn. go rot in hell. as long as everyone's in heaven. that's great. ha. i dont know. but really. sigh you guys are missed. really really missed.

im gonna try to make the best of what i can. i dont know.. i guess all i want is to just.. become a better person. that's just what i've always wanted... but i just feel like im disintegrating second by second.. but.. i guess.. im gonna try. try to make things good for myself. for once. come on wei lynn. u can do it.

the thing is i know.. when i leave this room again.. when i return to the real world.. out of my thoughts now.. i will forget this.. i will again.. just be caught up in everything that exists. but i will try man. try to make an effort to remember this.

sometimes when i know some of my peers.. females.. people my age.. see all the fun they're having.. with all their girl friends.. guy friends.. going out.. i dun know.. just doing such 18-year-old female stuff. dont know whether im missing out on something. but i dont think so at all. like i'll prob feel this again. but.. i think im ok with how things turned out.. i mean.. yea. cant compare. right? hahaa sometimes i wonder what it would be like.. if i was just more.. like.. more feminine. more of a person. i think i am a bit weird right now. quite alien-ish. hahaa but im quite sure.. i will never dress up, never put on makeup. whatever shit. look good. i used to think i was wasting my youth away. but i realised i am just like that. so yea. take it or leave it man.

this is such a longwinded post. but i dont care. it is meant for my eyes. meant for my venting.. meant for my reaffirmation.. (: