o man.. i am so.. shaken that i feel like crying.. and rejoicing at the same time..

it's 716 am.. and i just woke up from a damn damn bad nightmare.. i dont know. i have these a lot.. it was something like.. when i was younger.. i think 13 years old i got knocked down by a car.. twice i think.. and i kinda saw it like.. it knocked me over.. i went onto the lid.. and it drove around with me then.. this is a dream so even though everything sounds weird.. trust me in the situation it feels very real.. it's like.. he.. i mean God spared my life. but something told me that 6 years from that day. on the same day i would die.. i wont escape the fate that i almost met this time.
(erm. just a clarification. this is a dream. no. i wasnt knocked over in real life... although sometimes it feels like it)

o man i just realised something. 13 + 6 = 19.. everything adds up...

some things happened in between.. i went to a dream version of army. i never told anyone but when the day was coming.. somehow my mum and dad knew. and i thought maybe nothing would happen.. but something did some evil. evil presence appeared.. and i really thought i was going to die. everything was working out perfectly.. timing.. evil person..

somehow.. it came down to a game of russian roulette.. knowing how suay i am.. but it wasnt it. i didnt die. i was saved. but we ran to a 'safe' place.. yet he traced us down again.. but once again.. somehow.. i didnt die. none of us did. and at the end.. i cant remember now it's really hazy but some image of.. the Lord came up.. and i just felt him like.. speaking to me.. reassuring me of his presence.. even though everything.. not just my nightmare. but whatever obstacles...

when i woke up i was jus too shaken to move at all.. when i finally did i saw that i received a song from a friend who had been sending it before i slept.. it was the song 'still'.. actually i think it was on my com previously but i just never realised.. and i listened to it.. and it completely completely applied to me.. it just spoke to me.. sigh. suddenly i feel like through all that shit.. all that shit.. God was there.. and even more so now and in the future.. i dont know.i cant explain. i dont wanna explain.

i just feel a huge sense.. i feel extremely overwhelmed now.. and i just wanted to blog.. to keep it as a reminder.. the thing is. immediately after this.. i felt an extremely huge sense to suddenly place this on.. it was just a coincidence. christian songs just make u feel good. there is no substantial evidence that God exists.

but... something a friend told me some time ago.. i remember. and just read last night. for some reason. it is taking a lot and a lot of forgiveness.. and letting go on my part to write about this... but i will. imagine a long pause.. ok. someone told me a while ago about this message.. that when we never feel the lord's presence.. ever.. it's coz satan is roaming on here.. on this earth. But that's how.. God wanted it. he wants to use us to restore his lost kingdon on earth. He has all the power in the world to easily remove satan, but he didnt do it coz he wants to show his angels his wisdom in creating us.. men.. to destroy satan. so really we're just.. never alone. it's a victory we have to have.. over the devil when we feel this way. and after this.. suddenly it came up to me. my usual doubts everything. but i remembered this. and im.. just pushing away all of them.

faith is an incredibly hard to. i think im kinda like doubting thomas. faith is a super super difficult incredible concept. but i believe.. and know that the Lord has just been here all the way. through everything even now.. next time..

for anyone reading this.. i wont blog about it.. if i didnt wanna share it.. and.. i dont know. i hope it applies to u somehow too.. im so overwhelmed i just broke down for a while man. sigh. praise the Lord really.

hide me now, under Your wings
cover me, within Your mighty hand

when the oceans rise
and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still and know you are God

find rest my soul in Christ alone
know his power, in quietness and trust

when the oceans rise
and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still and know you are God

be still and know that i am God.
be still and know that i am God.
be still and know that i am God.

Isaiah 43 -
he's called us by name
when we go through the deep water of great trouble
when we go through the rivers of great difficulty we will not drown
when we walk through the fires of oppression we will not be burnt up
and the flames will not consume us
because he is our God

earthly things are but.. earthly things. i dont know how to explain it. but i just picked up my handphone with a sense of disgust. hahahaa.. sigh.

i think i solved something.. i dont know. i always complain why God.. ok not complain but think. why God speaks so easily to others and never to me. why I never really feel his presence.. i just kinda realised.. its a 2 way relationship. if i dont actively seek him.. coz faith is just really.. so simple.. yet difficult.. it's a relationship.. that u need to be the effort in.. to speak to him.. everything.. sigh.

happy. finally. for once. happy.

i just found out from my mum. that my sis fainted when they went out to celebrate my bro's birthday prob eat at swensens... as usual.. she was admitted to hospital and discharged in two days. it might seem like nothing.. but it's i think the fourth time she's fainted for no reason. twice in school. once with my mum at the bus stop while i was in camp. sigh. im in a bit of a shock now. i really wanna be home.. please pray for her. she worries me.. a lot coz of her thinking.. her actions.. she emailed me previously.. and something very shocking.. i was just.. so sad and so shocked.. i emailed her back.. and she never replied after that.
and my mum tells me that.. everything she goes to the hospital she always says how nice it is over there... o man i am so so worried... :'( :'( :'(

i hope.. i really hope she's ok..