i am right now extremely sad and disappointed.. probably the most ever..

after block tests which i stuffed into a week.. i made a resolution to study for my prelims. but it never started. and since then i've just been putting it off all the way.. until this week. the week before. suddenly i'm so overwhelmed by everything. it's saturday now and the shit starts on monday and i havent done half my bio, half my chem, any lit and whole load of maths. i dont care im going to just say whatever i want.. coz im just so sad and sick and tired

im so angry and disappointed in myself. in a way i had my whole stupid life banking on this stupid result. i dont care how damn stupid or childish i sound coz right now i am damn shit sure that i am stupid and childish. im not gonna deceive myself into thinking that there's another plan for myself evne though i know it somewhere in my head. i just tdont care now. it's been a dream like since forever to go overseas to study. i crave independence. i crave experience. i crave challenge. a new environment. meeting other people. and im not just talking about some stupid wish. no i had my stupid damn life banking on this. and look what it has come to. if i go into this shit with the amount of shit i have done i am gonna do shit. i suddenly thought of mr ho. i think ive really let him down.. cos he had some belief in me. i think i really am what mrs wee thinks of me. or chok for that matter. or even toh. i've let him down like hell.. he was so great to let me into bio S.. and this is what i do. i really am the most horrible person alive. or prob anyone who knows or gives a shit about me.. like cat.. my friends.. GOD i sound as if this whole world revolves around my stupid dreams.. well let it now! i dont care!

i feel like just stopping now coz it doesnt matter anymore. im just so damn discouraged man. coz i literally.. feel as though i have thrown my life away. it's not just exam results. coz if it was i wont give a shit. it's the stupid future that sadly needs these damn results. and it's so hard to come to terms with reality.. after u've just had such a big dream all your life. i guess i went for talks and am going to SATs to keep my friends company. i love my friends. but i cant say the same about myself.

yes i am one big lie. this is actually me not the i hope nicer person that everyone sees everyday. but i dont care anymore man. im just very very tired. and just totally pissed off at myself.

more than anything.. just really extremely extremely disappointed. times this damn :( by infinity. i dont give a shit im going out. dammit.

maybe this is just.. a wake up call. i dont have a problem with the system. i think it's pretty fair. u wake up realise u need to study hard to get what u want.. and just do it. but i didnt do that and i can only take responsibility for whatever happens from here on.. everything bad that has happened.. has just been.. self-caused.. my being ________ and just being totally _____________ and of course this. i guess.. ive just gotten too used to not doing work but still getting by with ok grades. i think it was really by God's grace.. and it's not that God has taken his grace away from me.. but more that.. well.. it's just all part of a plan maybe.. haha by typing this now somehow i have calmed down.. a little.. and am just trying to accept whatever will happen and whatever is happening..

sigh. i dunno la
SHIT


SHITSHITSHIT


really going out now. sigh. sorry if u ever believed in me coz u miplaced that belief.