i had the worst nightmare last night..

it started out fine cos there was this really cute little boy in it coz some friends and i were involved with taking care of kids. i think i really like kids. well nice ones that is. and then everything just turned really.. really scary coz i dreamt that i was almost raped.. and a whole sequence of events unfolded..

ha ha. sigh. crap. i would insert a joke here about why the hell the guy would wanna degrade himself.. but sometimes i think i make the worst jokes at the most inappropriate times..

why.. why dee lads nivvor fail te disappoint.. it just makes me so narked an sad aal the time.. ah wish ah really had a private playce te syah whatever ah want cos ah ahaad back so much. ah knaa whatever ah syah it'll always be... aye but others are gannin through shit too.. ah knaa cos ah syah tha too.. but the thing is there're just things ah feel. ah wanna syah an ah divvent want te hev any responsibility towards anyone at aal . ahm just sick of a lot an a lot of damn sackless things. ah really hev ne leif . an it makes me sad. but it's a statement an ahm not asking anyone te pity me or owt . but can ah syah owt leik tha . ne ah canna . cos of a fear of a backlash. ah just want te syah things! ah just want te syah whatever ah want an not bother aboot what fowk fowk are gunna syah or think! it makes me sick. ahm just so sick of this sackless world

hey sarah.. what i meant to say was... i dont mean it literally.. i mean men none of us are angels.. and by going home.. i dont mean home home.. i just mean a place of absolute comfort.. peace.. maybe like heaven

how do you talk to an angel



isnt this the cutest baby ever? looking at this picture already breaks my heart. this baby is beautiful.





"Charlie was born in the summer of 2001. He appeared healthy and beautiful. But less than two months later they learned that Charlie had Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type I, a disease they had never even heard of, that was the number one genetic killer of children under age two. They learned that SMA would cause Charlie’s muscles to progressively deteriorate.

Sadly, Charlie passed away when he was just six months old from complications caused by SMA."

i came across the caringbridge site yesterday and was just struck by this.
i know u cant compare cant everyone is in a different situation. but when u see things like that.. it just really puts things into perspective.

a few days ago i read an old bbc report about the situation inside the superdome during katrina. it's prob old news but i dont usually read the papers and it just kinda shocked me. i dont wanna talk about it here.. coz the cannibalistic behaviour of humans is just.. it doesnt deserved to be mentioned together with the life of a baby so pure.

all my childish ramblings. all the troubles people put themselves through. stupid.

i always thought i'd want to do something.. something to be of benefit.. meaning to poeple's lives.. but where im headed doesnt seem to be that direction.. but i will. u can. everybody can.

well... i asked the squirrel zhen. the squirrel was dead but somehow it woke up for a few seconds to tell me that it would be alive again if the world were beautiful.. and it didnt matter if it had awful teeth or tail.. and before it went back to being dead it told me that prob wont happen. haha but the squirrel whispered in it's last breath..

"i will not... be beaten.. just like a lot of other squirrels.."

but then it died. haha so sad o man. sigh.

i was doing some quizzes just now online.. sigh. quizzes just seem quite boliao and stupid and geeky. but its quite addictive for some reason.. it's fun to discover.. what you may appear to be.. i dont know.. and really i am a freaking geek. there are times when im so comfortable being such a geek and am loving it but the internet.. is a dangerous place.. and so is the rest of the world.. sometimes when u're ok with being the way u are.. u read about the lives of others which sound so much more exciting.. dangerous.. and as pathetic it is.. u find urself being slightly envious in a way.. no? haha but i am definitely a geek and i could not be anything else :) i found some stuff that was true.. or not really true.. and bam. there i go again. my wave of blogging seems so selfish has hit again. all im talking about here is myself. ok that's not really true. but in a way it is. there i go again. but blogging is for me. but what the heck la. i dont care.

i have discovered that i am 70% weird.

"Your blog is full of intensity and passion.You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it.You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger."
i take a lot of offence to that last sentence. i hate the term blogger. and dont even give me that shit about being famous or whatever. stupid just damn stupid. shit. and im not even sure whether hte rest is true. stupid shit. hurhur.

"You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable."
i dont know.. but the last sentence is damn quite right.

and finally...
"You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be."
damn quite right.

i did some other what is ur attitude towards love or relationship or some crap like that.. and the results were quite true.. and not really.. but im not gonna put it here. coz stuff like that is just so insignificant. i couldnt even give a shit about that. in fact i dont even know what it means. maybe that's why i cant give a shit. no. i really cant.

i did some birthday thing and my birthday sounded like me a little but not really so to test whether it was bullshit i entered my bro's birthday. one of the things they said bout him was "You are generally reliable when it comes to handling money; you can be trusted in this regard."

i have since confirmed that the birthday predictor thing. is BULLSHIT.

i think i need to tone down on the 's' word. hurhur.. SHIT. hohos and hurhurs sound nicer than hahas. and way way better than hehes. unless u're a girl. then hehe MAY be fine. and heehee is definitely fine if u're a girl. actually u know what?!?! JUST FORGET IT! that's right people.. BE YOURSELF. BE YOU! DONT TRY TO BE WHAT PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO BE! remember people! u can even exercise the option to snort instead of laughing. or drool. or pretend to faint when people make corny jokes and then pretend to be revived. u will be really tired then but behave or say whatever you want! remember people! BE YOURSELF!

the corny motivational speaker took over for a minute. it's gone now. thank goodness. i was just about to attempt the last.. interesting behaviour he.. omg! what he! it came from within me.. so it's a she! SHE!! was talking about. omg i realised i just called the speaker from within it! what am i! some animal! actually yes coz humans are animals.. but wait danielle thinks im a plant.. and i have affection for a certain plant..

i am definitely definitely definitely weird. i think now would be a good time to stop typing.

suddenly i just feel very very very stupid.
and very very pathetic.
and slightly annoyed but used to it.
and very annoyed by something else but used to it.

all of the above are different things. maybe i'll elaborate another day. these are not feelings. they are merely statements (: i think there's a difference.

once upon a time.. there was a squirrel. this squirrel was a very happy squirrel growing up and recognised the abilities it possessed to be able to collect accorns well. the squirrel started to leave its tree and was let out into the rest of the habitat and mixed with the other squirrels. as time passed.. the squirrel collected more and more accorns.. and made many friends amongst the other squirrels.. however slowly but surely.. this squirrel started to notice for the first time.. how its teeth for gnawing the accorn did not seem to be able to compare to the rest. somehow the other squirrels had a lovely bushy tail and perfect teeth for gnawing.. but this squirrel did not seem to. no matter how great accorn collecting skills this squirrel possessed.. somehow it had made this squirrel even more susceptible to the 'world' which the other squirrels lived in.. and this squirrel felt that it would never match up. this squirrel started to withdraw back to its tree and refused to leave.. and tried to somehow make its bushy tail and teeth better than they were just so this squirrel could feel to in some way match up to the other squirrels.. although this squirrel clearly knew that.. that was not really the crux of the matter.. and had real knowledge on collecting accorns. eventually.. this squirrel became sick and for a few years.. never really recovered. it eventually left its habitat and slowly but surely.. recovered its accorn collecting skills.. but the damage it had done to itself, its teeth and bushy tail.. could not be recovered. in the next few years.. the squirrel would revert between its two forms.. trying hard to lead the happy life it had led.. yet at times seeking comfort only in the tree. but its teeth and tail were forever destroyed. no matter how hard the squirrel tried to ignore that fact.. and tried to perfect it.. the 'world' would always remind the squirrel of it. but the squirrel tried its darnest to continue collecting accorns and mixing with the other squirrels and it did. although still tainted. through those few challenging years.. the squirrel managed to polish up on its accorn collecting skills.. and was able to communicate better with its fellow squirrels and actually had hope that this habitat was not a bad place. however.. sadly the squirrel knew its teeth and bushy tail however insignificant.. would never change.. and they were only a.. reminder of other things in its life. the squirrel's friends and the squirrel world had already formed a fixed image of the squirrel and the squirrel was too unwilling to break out of its comfort zone to improve things. but the squirrel did still acknowledge that it could collect accorns well.

eventually the squirrel died.

i just saw an article on msn that said something about when women say the 'S' word too much.. or something like that. so being me immediately the first word that came to mind was shit. it must be shit. ok apparently i must be the only one who thinks so coz the word turned out to be sorry -_- i think im wired wrongly somewhere. i realise too that i say sorry a. lot. it's just very subconcious a lot of the time and has just been ground into my head for some reason. but sometimes it just pisses me off how sorrys and thank yous are not reciprocated. i dont mean like stupid petty things im so ok with just saying sorry and thank you the entire time coz it's just part of me but im talking about irritatingly rude singaporeans. argh. i know im not exactly the most articulate person language wise and shit just comes rolling off my tongue but at least i show u some respect man.

i think im getting slightly sick of listening about commando escapades in brunei. there my brother is talking bout it again. mmm. ok maybe better a brother than no brother i guess. he kinda seems to have lost quite a bit of weight and muscle mass.. prob coz he had like bloody diahorrea literally and and some shit fever during the last few days.. mmm. anyway my bro said that some guy in their team got stung by something and it was so bad he really died literally for a while. no heartbeat no pulse no nothing. and no one really dared to touch him for fear of making it worse. and my bro said phang wei. i have no idea if that's how u spell his name.. he was a vj housecap last year or something.. went to perform like CPR. so i asked him whether he saved that guy and my bro said sort of - coz that guy suddenly came to when he stopped performing it -_- hmm. quite worrying huh. but v interesting.

A has brought up B. but there comes a point in time.. when B has grown up but A may find it difficult to accept that.. and unfortunately A is stuck in A's own world and is prob unable to see that. But no one can say anything about A either coz.. it's just sad. but the real tragedy is that if A continues on how A is going.. B will just.. deflect further away.. and so will C.

argh danielle! i read something on nufc.com last night and i thought ok i'd blog bout it today so i can show u but it's gone now! anyway it's something bout shearer and owen going to the premiere of 'goal' and then they met the actress who was very.. erm.. well not very dressed if u get what i mean. and after that owen was heard whispering to shearer something like i was shaking her hand but i couldnt stop staring at her ***s the entire time. hahaa



finally. first win. the season begins here.





i just cant seem to do the damn _______ _______ and i have no idea why! sucks man. really really STINKS.

sent an email to football focus.. i hope they ask les ferdinand my question!!!!

this is very out of point and may sound damn weird coming from me. but i really hope i have a kid in the future. haha i think being a parent is probably the most fulfiling thing on earth. well i think. unfortunately finding a partner for a kid is a big fat problem. and this is sooooooooo weird. so i shall really stop now. argh.

if you dont listen to bon jovi. u have no idea what u're missing out on.

i hate music today. it just totally sucks. dont give me any of that hiphop shit or 'rock chick' life stinks crap. rubbish. ok im so not really a music person but just some opinions. i really dig rock. esp the rock in the 80s early 90s and stuff.. and bon jovi music is just fantastic. amazing. ok i'll just leave christian music and stuff out for now. but this is real music. and these are real musicians. x factor? tick. voice? a million ticks. everything tick tick tick man. the way these totally retarded people are thrust into the spotlight nowadays and claim to love music and all then go on stage and lipsync or just use a pretty average song to belt out a song.. ok i mean ok i take it back. they're not retarded. it's just how things are and now the times have changed.. but bon jovi is the real deal.

my two favourite albums ever by a whole long mile have to be crossroads and this left feels right.. i was just watching their story today on MTV behind the music and was rather blown away. i know things like that are just quite superficial but they did show all the good and bad and i just.. well.. appreciate the music. to me music is something that speaks to u.. or just makes u feel something.. and this is it. THIS is music. this is the real deal.

O MAN. danielle i finally figured out where that picture of shearer and owen in suits in the newspaper came from. i was watching football tiger addition or whatever it's called on espn yesterday. o yea while im at this. john dykes is a damn good.. what should i call him.. ok host. and i love whatever football stuff they do on espn. there used to be this thing on tuesday nights.. crap i cant remember what it was called.. yes! football focus! im not sure whether it's still on now and i would watch it everytime and one time matt le tissier came on and he knew shearer from southampton when he was v young and shearer had a lot of respect for him so i emailed the show for the segment where they ask the guy questions from the viewers hoping that they would.. AND THEY DID ASK MY QUESTION!!!! omg i was the last question and i nearly nearly died. and at that point i didnt think they would ask my question which was essentially something about shearer saying he had crapload of respect for you.. coz u stuck to southampton and didnt move anywhere else even if they were bigger clubs.. what's ur impression of shearer yadayada. so i signed off as WL. if i'd known they'd use my email i would have used my T--- W-- L---. shit but then they'd prob not use it. anyway that was amazing. i was FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well for 5 seconds. 5 seconds of fame. haha sigh like i care. im just really glad he answered my question :) well ok back to the topic..

YES! shearer and owen were at the premiere of this football film called GOAL! IM PRAYING DAMN HARD IT COMES TO SINGAPORE!! they were talking bout it on the show.. it's bout this guy who goes from.. i dunno where i think he's argentinian and he goes to.. england to play.. AND GUESS WHICH CLUB THEY PICKED!! NEWCASTLE! NEWCASTLE!!! NOT ARSE OR MAN OR CHEL. NEWCASTLE! i guess SOME people know a good thing when they see one :):):) then from newcastle he moves to somewhere else and then he eventually scores the winning goal for argentina in the world cup. ok even if that movie doesnt show here im so gonna order it from amazon.com :) and shearer has a small role in the film! lol as do people like becks and raul i think.. o yea then he must have went to real madrid. yea i think he did.. SO WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY IT'S AN UPGRADE FROM NEWCASTLE. whatever man. we all know who's better. hoho. but anyway a thing that made me a little pissed was i was just searching for the movie online so i came to this site at moviefone whatever that is and they listed the credits and becks and raul's names were in there. but guess where was shearer's? no where to be seen. but im used to it anywhere. and he doesnt need this kinda stuff.. it's not his first cameo anyway.. there's another movie he was in.. so exciting. danielle u should have seen them walking down the red carpet.. they were walking so fast haha and owen really looked like his son. it's like shearer's literally taken him under his wing (owen was rather short) haha. v nice.

ok.. there's something i must say.. i really dont know whether i really do.. and even if yes well.. it's only a few more months and that's kinda sad and yet good at the same time i guess. coz i really miss somethings back then coz i just happen to treasure things a lot.. and now it's.. hmm.. it's difficult la. this is so not specific but distance is all i have. i think i do _____________ quite easily. but.. it's always nothing. u know? haha

there're a few people who im damn irritated by. _________ get a life please. ________ ur stare is not scary please. _________ get a life also no use please.

OMG BLOG I MISSED U!!!!!!!!!
...

yea ok moving on now

hallelujah! i dunno why im in a super super high mood now. and it's been like eons since i last blogged. i should explain why. this week has obviously been a horribly busy week and i would blog but i dont wanna talk about exams.. so there. anyways! i wanna talk about a lot of things today! haha!

so anyway i just had the record journey of my life! if you are danielle reading this ignore me as i repeat all my everything! coz i must record all my stupid thoughts and re use my stupid jokes! like i told danielle i had to call guisness to give them my record! the book not the beer!! hahahaaa!! i am so not funny!

yea anyway so guess whattttttttttttt.. what?!?!?!! i just reached home after a very treacherous 3 1/3 hour journey. i almost died/got raped/got knocked down. let me explain. firstly.. we left school at about 545 then mel had to put back her jacket so we waited for her then we went to 711 then we went to the bus stop. due to 48 having become my favourite bus i decided to let a 36 go and wait for 1 so as i stood down there all by my lonesome self, guess who came to join me?? yes. chok. hoho. it's not that i dislike chok i really like chok but me and teachers have no affinity at all. km damn damn high. (im sorry danielle haha). so anyways a few years passed and i grew a head of white hair and finally 36 came. yessss!!!! so zoom.. ok not zoom coz it was freaking damn slow like some stupid jam.. so i got out at the national library.. well the old one and took 700.. then i decided to get down at somerset coz i thought there'd be like a jam in orchard.. so i took the mrt.. and it was so freaking damn crowded (now where have we heard those 2 words before...) and when u're a singaporean if u're not gonna make the effort to squeeze your way pass the crowd going out into the train.. u're not getting anywhere. so i got on the next train and after a few mins of getting squashed i reached newton. so i went to wait for my bus 700 and.. omg! there i see it! oi uncle! wait! stop! zoooooooooooooooom. yea it really zoomed past this time. crapshit it was freaking crowded that's why. so i walked to the ulu-er bus stop and took the first bus that came. after like 15 mins. 67 which went the long long way. then i was dreaming.. and suddenly poof! i saw a shell and i thought this must be my stop! and i got down and i realised that i had thought the shell was the esso which was at my house.. shit so i thought it was a stop down.. so i started the long journey.. down the path of the unknown.. and freak that place is even ulu-er and damn dark and there were a lot of foreign workers there.. and the thing is if i dont walk on the pavement.. all the buses and all that zoom past you it's really like u can get knocked down any second.. but i survived! so i realised i had missed 2 bus stops not one and i walked all the way down.. finally.. i reached home at the fantastic time of 915.

i am so proud of myself. phew. SPLEENY PIGEON-EGG!!! hahahaaa sighhhh.

so anyway.. well.. u know talking bout that reminded me of something.. when i was in switzerland with the guides for the camp of my life last time.. we went to the train station to.. the real kind not the fake mrt. and we were standing quite close to the line.. and then the train came and the teacher was shouting at us to step back. at that point in time i had a huge dislike for her and so being the stubborn person i was.. i didnt really step back while everyone else did coz i just didnt wanna listen to someone i didnt like. i know.. im really a big fat idiot. so the train came zooming back.. as in really really really damn fast.. and i was almost really either gonna get sucked in or thrown back.. and my friends came to pull me back.. if i remember correctly. sometimes when i think back about it.. i honestly really could have.. died. a bit exaggerated but seriously. the force was crazy and all just coz i was being an idiot. needless to say i got a freaking damn big scolding afterwards.. but yea. i guess we all learn from our mistakes. unless of course we die. which i didnt. so that's the point. i dont have a problem with authority.. only if u're unreasonable but here i realise i was the unreasonable one.

so anyway i wanted to say something about odac. i realise all my paragraphs start with so anyway. i realise i say anyway a lot. well ok so.. i havent been to the odac room in a really long time i think. but i went there this morning.. and even though im not close to odac people like .. most of the other odacers hang around quite a bit .. it was just nice to be there.. and just be part of odac again.. you know? like.. be 'home' as shiqi puts it.. at least we have a 'home' while everyone has to hang outside the hall. haha sighh. so yea that's about it (:

sooooooo. now i wanna talk about exams. no not omg it was so hard im gonna fail talk. but.. just what i've kinda gotten out of this period. ive never been more unprepared in my life. honestly. the amount of cramming ive put in this week has been miraculous and even if i missed out a lot of stuff. wow. God really must have been there.. and yet i feel damn freaking relaxed now. u know? like.. i expect not to do well.. but i'll just accept anything i get and why not on the way.. just enjoy the ride.. :) and i think i've learnt a lot in this period.. like.. come to the realisation of a lot of things.. and weirdly i think this exam has brought me closer to my friends too.. which just makes me v happy coz friends are such ah huge part of who you are and your life.. you know how sometimes u receive an sms and it just makes u happy even if it may be irrelevant to that person.. but to you it's just great to know that someone is thinking bout you.. and someone knows that you do think/care about them too :) shit i sound so mushy. but yea u get what i mean. well what the heck i get what i mean. but yea these prelims have been good for me.. i think in a lot of ways. im not talking bout academic wise.. but yea.. :)

mmm.. o yea so after math paper this morning we went to sakae to eat before lit.. and zhen said she didnt think i would get married. hahaa i think so too. so sad right. hahaa sad because.. i think it's just a natural instinct of human beings to wanna be together and not alone. but i really do agree with zhen.. im not.. i cant.. there's a lot of things i dont think i could do in a relationship or whatever. so. yea whatever. i dont give a shit now. so anyway.. yea we were walking to sakae when we bumped into mel's dad and her grandmother i think and.. it was just so heartwarming! i dont know how to describe it! i think the problem in this country is that.. a lot of people especially families are unable to express their feelings. but mel is american and americans are more open definitely.. i asked mel for permission to write about her so i hope it's ok.. haha but anyway mel's dad kinda like hugged her and stuff and he said this is 'my mel'. ok i almost melted. really. haha it's so so rare to see affection nowadays.. as in genuine affection not boy-girl whatever shit affection. and.. just v touching man. and her grandmother too. sigh :) mel! you are very lucky! :) but if i was mel's dad i would be danggggggggg proud of my daughter too :) mel my daughter.. me a man.. ok that will never happen.

we were all really dreading lit coz everyone was super super tired.. and i hate practical criticism. every monday when i do actually go for lessons.. i spent the whole time staring at the clock waiting for it to reach 3:40 .. group discussions in prac crit are just really not my thing.. but today's paper was so. damn. fun. i think maybe it had something to do with the poem.. shall put it here later.. i really loved it. i read it at first and i thought it was ok but when i started writing my essay.. o wow. i just really actually enjoyed writing. something which i have not for an extremely long time. made me really happy. i dont care if i dont do well coz i usually dont im just glad i had fun :)

u know how a lot of things happen in life here ane there.. good or bad.. and somehow everything just pieces themselves together and.. it's just amazing. mr ho said something to me in the letter.. i may have put it here before i dont know but i shall put it again if i did so anyway. he said the great thing bout life is that anyday that u decide u want to start living again you can. and that's the beauty of life. something along those lines. and it really is. dont u think? life really is beautiful. i hope i dont get off this high and regret typing all this. but i really appreciate everything.. and every single person in my life. so if u're part of it i thank you very much.. (:

i cant remember if i had more to say.. but i shall not shall just put the poem here today which so many people loved! it's beautiful really. that word sounds just.. too pure and nice for me to use. but it really is beautiful.. :)

Al Mornington

They told me that when I was taken
to the sea's edge, for the first time,
I leapt from my father's arms
and was caught by a wave and rolled
like a doll among rattling shells;
and I seem to remember my father
fully clothed, still streaming with water
half comforting, half angry.
And indeed I remember believing
as a child, I could walk on water -
the next wave, the next wave -
it was only a matter of balance.

On what flood are they bourne,
these memories of early childhood
iridescent, fugitive
as light in a sea-wet shell,
while we stand, two friends of middle age,
by your parents' grave in silence
among avenues of the dead
with their cadences of trees,
marble and granite parting
the quick of autumn grasses.
We have the wholeness of this day
to share as we will between us.

This morning I saw in your garden
fine pumpkins grown on a trellis
so it seemed that the vines were fising
to flourish the fruits of the earth
above their humble station
in airy defiance of nature
- a parable of myself,
a skinful of elements climbing
from earth to the fastness of light;
now come to that time of life
when our bones begin to wear us,
to settle our flesh in final shape
as the drying face of land
rose out of earth's seamless waters.
I dreamed once, long ago,
that we walked among day-bright flowers
to the bench in the Brisbane gardens
with a pitcher of water between us,
and stayed for a whole day
talking, and drinking the water.
Then, as night fell, you said
"There is still some water left over."
We have one day, only one,
but more than enough to refresh us.

At your side among the graves
I think of death no more
than when, secure in my father's arms,
I laughed at a hollowed pumpkin
with candle flame for eyesight,
and when I am seized at last
and rolled in one grinding race
old dreams, pain, memories, love and grief,
from which no hand will save me,
the peace of this day will shine
like light on the face of the waters
that bear me away for ever.

i cant believe i just typed all that.. but it's really nice..
i just realised my brother is coming back from brunei next tuesday. i honestly forgot that he existed.. well sometimes i do. quite sad right.

ok man. peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee IN.

he's able
he's able
i know he's able!
i know my lord is able to carry me through..
he's able
he's able
i know he's able!
i know my lord is able to carry me through..
he heals the broken hearted
and sets the captives free
he makes the lame to walk again and causes the blind to see (oh yes! haha)
he's able
he's able
i know he's able!
i know my lord is able to carry me through :)

such a simple song we used to sing way back in sunday school.. but.. just so uplifting. just suddenly came into my mind

a friend of mine sent me a verse last night at 3 am.. ok this morning. and good things are meant to be shared.. so..

'A man's steps are of the Lord; How than can a man understand his own way?' Proverbs 20:24

i really appreciate the people in my life.. as close or far as they are from me.

i went to suki sakura.. stupid name to eat today at some lorong place and after i got into the lift i got a msg from kelvin. it took me a few seconds to register who kelvin was. i dont think he will read this but anyway yea. odac kelvin. and he said he just saw me. apparently he walked past me i think with his family and i didnt see him. haha. such a stupid small funny incident like that actually brightened up my day. no the emphasis is not how bad my day was but how really i just appreciate everybody around me.

i would like to thank these 2 people greatly.. i just wnat to write my thoughts down and this is not some public announcement system.. so people if u read u know who u are - faye and nut. hahaa damn obvious huh. but yea.. u guys are just awesome people... AWESOME!!! i better us ethat word now coz i wont get to use it coz i wont get to go to the US. hahaa but yea really..

what faye says is v true.. i am currently on a lot of high and lows and a lot of people are too although everything we go through is different according to nut. hahahaa. i think God reveals himself in times of crisis. faye.. u're right.. we will go on to greater things. this is just an obstacle.. and even if things dont work out as planned.. we're still young and there's so many things that we have the potential to accomplish.

i am still very panicky now. but i acknowledge this is not the end of the world. o yea i would like to thank my constant mysterious emailer.. haha u have.. lifted my spirts. nike all the way yea.

i am right now extremely sad and disappointed.. probably the most ever..

after block tests which i stuffed into a week.. i made a resolution to study for my prelims. but it never started. and since then i've just been putting it off all the way.. until this week. the week before. suddenly i'm so overwhelmed by everything. it's saturday now and the shit starts on monday and i havent done half my bio, half my chem, any lit and whole load of maths. i dont care im going to just say whatever i want.. coz im just so sad and sick and tired

im so angry and disappointed in myself. in a way i had my whole stupid life banking on this stupid result. i dont care how damn stupid or childish i sound coz right now i am damn shit sure that i am stupid and childish. im not gonna deceive myself into thinking that there's another plan for myself evne though i know it somewhere in my head. i just tdont care now. it's been a dream like since forever to go overseas to study. i crave independence. i crave experience. i crave challenge. a new environment. meeting other people. and im not just talking about some stupid wish. no i had my stupid damn life banking on this. and look what it has come to. if i go into this shit with the amount of shit i have done i am gonna do shit. i suddenly thought of mr ho. i think ive really let him down.. cos he had some belief in me. i think i really am what mrs wee thinks of me. or chok for that matter. or even toh. i've let him down like hell.. he was so great to let me into bio S.. and this is what i do. i really am the most horrible person alive. or prob anyone who knows or gives a shit about me.. like cat.. my friends.. GOD i sound as if this whole world revolves around my stupid dreams.. well let it now! i dont care!

i feel like just stopping now coz it doesnt matter anymore. im just so damn discouraged man. coz i literally.. feel as though i have thrown my life away. it's not just exam results. coz if it was i wont give a shit. it's the stupid future that sadly needs these damn results. and it's so hard to come to terms with reality.. after u've just had such a big dream all your life. i guess i went for talks and am going to SATs to keep my friends company. i love my friends. but i cant say the same about myself.

yes i am one big lie. this is actually me not the i hope nicer person that everyone sees everyday. but i dont care anymore man. im just very very tired. and just totally pissed off at myself.

more than anything.. just really extremely extremely disappointed. times this damn :( by infinity. i dont give a shit im going out. dammit.

maybe this is just.. a wake up call. i dont have a problem with the system. i think it's pretty fair. u wake up realise u need to study hard to get what u want.. and just do it. but i didnt do that and i can only take responsibility for whatever happens from here on.. everything bad that has happened.. has just been.. self-caused.. my being ________ and just being totally _____________ and of course this. i guess.. ive just gotten too used to not doing work but still getting by with ok grades. i think it was really by God's grace.. and it's not that God has taken his grace away from me.. but more that.. well.. it's just all part of a plan maybe.. haha by typing this now somehow i have calmed down.. a little.. and am just trying to accept whatever will happen and whatever is happening..

sigh. i dunno la
SHIT


SHITSHITSHIT


really going out now. sigh. sorry if u ever believed in me coz u miplaced that belief.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! will people stop being so stupid!! in today's life. jessica simpsons. stupid stupid quote. so dumb i dont even want to put it here. please! if she really knows she can.. 'change the freaking world' .. yea ok that sentence has been slightly edited.. why is she acting like the bimbo from hell?! i dont give a shit if u say u have some mensa iq man. please! i HATE it when people's quote so contradict their actions. then why the hell are u behaving like some slut and wearing all this crap. why the heck are u over exposing yourself. and why the heck are u acting as daisy duke and wearing the most incredibly short shorts in the world. i suppose u think u can change the world that way.. yea ok maybe by giving some guys ________ or something.. stupid ones.. but other than that.. i dont think u can do much more. the only thing which would make this worse if she really actually believed in what she was saying. o man. i cant take it.. i shall try to abstain from reading the newspaper.. or the junk part at least.. -_- but then in that case i wont read at all.. i actually had some sympathy for her when everyone was giving her shit over her bimbotic actions and words in that wedding show but i threw that all away and my feelings tipped to the other end of the scale when i saw her completely butcher robbie william's angels at the mtv awards. there's a very fine line between being a great singer who has a strong voice and can bring out the emotions of the song.. and a singer who just opens her mouth wide at every opportunity she gets with nothing but air coming out and groping herself all over on stage. what a disgrace.

ya i know i just dedicated a whole paragraph to an idiot. i will try my best not to do that again.

now on to better news.. albeit extremely bitter sweet.. i read saw another article on soccernet Shearer says 'our season starts now'..

just some selected quotes from Shearer..
Alan Shearer backed Michael Owen to finish the season as Newcastle's top scorer as he declared: 'Our season starts here.'
The former England strike pair will play their first club match together on Saturday when Newcastle tackle Fulham at St James' Park.
Shearer has been replaced by £17million Owen as Newcastle's record buy and now the 35-year-old insists he would have no qualms about losing his tag as the club's chief goal-getter to the new arrival.
'I've no doubt he can finish top scorer and I sincerely hope he does,' said Shearer on Sky Sports News.
'The manager and chairman have brought him in to score goals. I'd be more than happy if Michael was to take that away from me.'
But he insists he must occasionally stand down that for the sake of his ability to last until May, and according to the former England captain, his role is no longer so much to get goals but to help Newcastle prosper in the long term.
'My game's irrelevant,' said Shearer. 'It doesn't matter what happens to me. It matters what happens to the football club. I've stayed on because I want the team to be successful.'
Asked about Owen's arrival, Shearer said: 'There was obviously a great buzz not only around town but in the dressing room.
'Their confidence was sky-high once they knew he and Nobby were coming.'

sometimes i wish he'd just be more selfish. i want him to be the top scorer. i want this to be his season. haha i sound so retarded. but really.. i guess it doesnt matter who it is.. as long as it benefits the team.. (: but.. it's just so bitter-sweet man to hear him saying such things.. sigh.. it just makes the reality that he's leaving.. and just not gonna be able to carry the team that much longer even more real.. i sound so pathetic talking about him like i've known him for all my life.. well.. half of it at least.. wait issit half.. 17/2 = ... what what what!!! erm...8.5 ok yea definitely half then.. but ive never even actually seen him live or what.. and as if he knows of my existence!! ok im sounding like psycho fan now.. but really.. sighhh.

as for owen this is what he had to say..
'I regard it as my league. I've watched the Premiership all my life and played in it for 99% of my career. I'm really looking forward to Saturday, the whole occasion.'

u damn sure better be looking forward to it. and u will be blown away. i think owen probably took back his footballing life by coming to newcastle.. if the cheer.. and the buzz.. and the support.. and the pride on saturday is not enough to make you happy.. then i have no idea what is.. ok i sound so biased against him.. so.. eh... goo owen. humph..

BUT GO SHEARER EVEN MORE!!!!!


shearer after having won the epl with blackburn in 1995.. sadly the only trophy of his club career.. :(

i was being.. well extremely _______ just now.. there are just certain words which are not worth to be put here.. and for some weird reason i came to a sudden realisation about somethings.. and i think i really may finally be able to see.. a road beyond the immediate one ahead.. and a future of different possibilities.. not just what i want.. but accepting what i can have.. and really what God has planned for me.. i just suddenly felt this.. rather strongly.. u know one of those feelings that u feel then u think.. wait it must just be me trying to trick myself.. but.. i dont think so.. i think it's more than that..

i have kinda always prided myself on the fact that im rather open minded on certain things.. but i realise that i am not really.. by being so stubborn and only wanting to have one option and just.. banking my entire life on that.. that's narrow-mindedness for you.. sure every path u take will be different.. but every experience is unique.. and i think maybe what i cant see now.. well.. i dont know. but yea.

no one is defined.. im not defined.. by what i could so called accomplish.. and what i couldnt.. what i could do or what i could.. what i get or what i do not get.. i think we're defined more.. on our beliefs.. worth.. interaction with others.. faith even.. i dunno man.. i think it's.. our character and the people around us.. i dunno how to put this la.. it's so much more than that.. but it's just that what appears so real to you now.. u just go along with it coz u have no choice but to go along with the rest of the world.. but it's just so much more man

i think i might actually be growing up

finally

i hope

ok. i just have to say something. im so sick of it.
in the straits time's urban today there's this stupid story about these 3 girls with d-cups calling thmselves the 3d girls and they're in this group performing and stuff.. and are even trying to get into the taiwanese market where there are an equally retarded group of girls with F-cups who are apparently the new f4.. yea the female version. the bigger one. and so one of the girls in 3d.. this sounds so damn cheesy.. is complaining about the hardships that they face.. because all people do is look at their chests and may not take them seriously when they're performing or whatever.

OMG. firstly. i hate to prejudge people. coz i always start off with damn negative impressions and ive been proved once and again that im wrong. so im trying my best not to do it here.. but please la! give me a stupid break! throw me a few million kit kats! c'mon man!!! IF you are going to plop yourself onto the page of a stupid newspaper wearing these unbelievably lowcut tops and even stooping down in a very unsightly whor-ish position for the camera to take a picture from the top.. and you're asking people to take you seriously.. and then u go on and on about your lovely chests.. if you want people to take u seriously. market yourself on your talents. on your abilities. not on our stupid 3Ds. if you wanted people to take you seriously instead on focusing on your chests why the HELL did u name yourself 3D. ok maybe these girls are ok people in real life.. just damn delluded. and it sucks coz i think there're prob a lot of poeple out there.

spare me the contradictions man. it's just so pathetic to see these kinda things.

on another note..
stephen taylor of the newcastle defence.. yes the one which holds up perfectly well everytime until after a while they start to crumble and the goals come flooding in.. but i still love them.. scored an equaliser for the england u21s hurray!



on the other hand.. an england squad with owen in it got beaten by n ireland. hoho. yes Eriksson's first defeat. i am however a bit shocked that after just one defeat fans have started shouting for him to ressign. how..quick the tide changes. well. england got beat. im assuming becks was cap. im loving it. this is what happens when shearer is not around. ha.

i know that one day in the future.. if i make it til then.. i will look back at these days of prelims and think.. how insignificant everything was. coz life would really have.. happened by then.. and whatever had happened would have brought me to wherever i was. it wont matter that i did shit for studying shit in a shit amount of time. this period is so damn insignificant and yet right now i can only see and think it determines the rest of my life coz of what i want.

maybe this is the real test. maybe it's so definite that if i go into this shit with the amount of crap i have now theoretically i'll fail miserably. but.. if i do really get.. to do what i want.. then i guess that would be a really strong indication that that's the path that well.. God has planned for me.. although there are a lot of ironies to that sentence but i cant be bothered to elaborate coz i know what i mean.. i think things out in my head but when i put them down on paper everything just sounds so damn wrong.

let's just get this STUPID SHIT over and done with dammit.
why the hell do we study SHIT that we have no crap interest in. i HATE talking about studies here but i shall just do it. yes i know why. coz it gives us discipline, and in a way it trains our mind and blah and all that but for right now i dont care. it's just really all shit. ____________________ crap.

i think good tunes.. melodies.. are easy to write.. well not easy.. but easier. but lyrics. lyrics are incredible. and it's really rare to find good ones.. i think that's what really differentiates a good songwriter from a bad one

had a dream yesterday.. we were able to abseil from the roof of vj.. which when i was looking down i saw that we were on top of a mountain. and i cant remember who i was with.. but we tried to go down.. and i forgot how to tie an abseiling knot. something i made up in my dreams. so sean and zhiyang came to help us. and zhiyang looked extremely skinny for some reason. and for another weird reason he was wearing his dunman high pants. hmmm. so anyway we got down safely.. and then i saw suan. he was wearing this horribly weird like.. cotton checkered kinda top.. u know that kind which like.. very extremely snaggish guys wear. and he looked so.. proper. when i woke up i realise he reminded me of toh. hmmm. and i took 1/2 h to find the odac room coz i forgot where it was and i had to walk through many movie theatres to find it. and all to deposit a pillow in which i was carrying the entire time. no.. dunno how.

is it really true that God has a plan for u.. like.. if it's according to his will.. things will happen.. it's so difficult to believe that God would know i would be doing.. what i would be today.. but in a way it kinda gives me comfort.. as though.. things didnt happen by my own will.. but they did. i dont know how to explain this. it's amazing that in times of ______ people can pop up from really no where and all out of the blue. i know what i want.. and that disappoints me tremendously considering the situation now. but.. i hope that i will.. believe that if it's God's will for me to do whatever i will. i think i have grown quite a bit during these 2 years in jc. no im not blowing my own stupid horn. i mean in the ways of.. taking to people more. coz.. there are a lot of good people out there.. i mean yea im still damn cynical if i dont know u. but those i know and like.. i really like. so thanks man. thanks cat (:

this image from the msn news kinda struck me..


was just reading a few articles and came across this one.. mmm.. there's a v short video there.. if anyone is reading this just take a look at it. i just found it interesting.. not that i agree. personally.. for me religon is more of a personal thing.. and i sometimes find it very hard to draw the line between people being religious or cultish.. i dont know. i just.. mmm.. kinda hard to find the right words.. but.. i'll guess we'll know in time.. maybe im just very sceptical.. NOT about God.. although i do have a lot of doubts about things.. or used to rather.. now.. i do have doubts but i believe.. but im more sceptical about the religon as a whole. how people define religon. the defined are not defined by the definers.. the definers are the defined.. define definitions definers defining. crap i dunno what the thingy is.. but im so damn glad i handed in a lit essay for once. yea how out of point.

anyway.. to someone who i know is reading this and emails me occasionally.. yea im talking about u coz there's only one of you :) - thanks a lot man.. i really appreciate it.. it's really.. difficult now. mmm.. but.. thanks for everything i'll reply u when i can.. coz i wanna put my heart and soul into a reply.. haha and right now.. i cant really do that.

mmm.. i.. not being alone physically.. but really feeling and knowing it.. it's definitely the worst feeling in the world. ever. hazel if u're reading this.. what we were talking about yesterday.. i had it last night.. haha if u have no idea what im talking about.. nvm :) sigh.

i may have changed my mind. thanks to someone this afternoon...
it's so weird how things work out.. how u meet people who really.. are just complete strangers and there is really no way that ur paths in life will cross.. and how these people.. just weave themselves into everything.. the whole picture.. it is truely amazing.. is it God.. hmmm..

sometimes i wonder why i do blog.. well not really but i do when at times like this i feel like.. why am i putting out my thoughts here.. coz in a way.. it's kinda like.. why u revealing ur life to so many other people man.. but.. i just need some place to.. like.. VENT!!! OMG!!!!! HAZEL JUST CALLED. and i think i had a very ferocious conversation i am so tired now and im leaving. haha ahh this world is so weird. i feel like shit! but yet. ok! like ok shit! actually NOT OK!!! NO NOT OK AT ALL!!

i really really think the world is going to end.
it's not a haha joke anymore. im serious..
coz i just dont see a 2006 happening at all..
or i dont see myself living past this year.. i just cannot see it in my future
so either the world ends.. or i'll die before. i honestly believe this.
we'll see. right now the latter wouldnt be too bad.

i dont even dare to do anything.. good for myself.
ive just gotten so used to being.. a bit of a loser.. i wanna stick here..
i have so many dreams.. and i've been telling myself for so long that.. i would do what was necessary to achieve it.
but i just do not believe i have any ability at all.. and im so scared to do anything.. coz at the end of the day if i fail to.. do what i intended to.. im done. it'll be confirmed then that really there is no hope.
sigh. ____ man.

just really dont deserve anything. and i think im saying this to convince myself that what im doing.. or not doing now.. is right

i was just reading about the chaos in new orleans. and it sounds really really really scary. coz there just doesnt even seem to exist even a little bit of humanity..
just watched a video of the london bomber too. the motives behind it.. and the actions. i dont know i dont even have words to describe it.
a very funny weird.. inappropriate thought hit me.

i wonder whether this is the beginning of the end of the world.

haha.

that was nervous laughter by the way

you know how sometimes.. u know there's a huge hurdle ahead.. but it seems there's time.. and it doesnt worry you so much.. and suddenly something amazing happens.. and u're just overwhelmed by a huge surge of feelings.. and you remain in that heaven of complete happiness.. and yet.. somewhat denial..

and after you've just.. really.. made yourself get high.. suddenly.. your world just comes crashing down again when reality sets in. and it just hits you.. out of no where. and you've just already.. just used up so much energy to make yourself happy.. and there's just suddenly in that moment none left to pick yourself up anymore...

and suddenly something comes along.. and.. it just hits you right in the face again.. and even in this place of complete complete utter despair.. maybe there could be hope somehow.. as you stare into that neverending hole of darkness..

sigh.. do you know? coz i really dont know man. i really dont know. i really dont know anymore.
a cry of desperation.. to myself

a total eclipse of the heart

OMG. THE CHANNEL U SPORTS NEWSCASTER CAN GO TO HELL
im SICK and tired of hearing people put down newcastle.. in speech. in the newspapers.. everything.
i watched the stupid owen thing to see the reception he got at st james and all the newcaster could go on and on about was this being only owen's second choice but it was some consolation the masses that came out to see him
WHAT THE HELL. newcastle fans are not a bunch of fools dammit! im so sick of these idiots. freak la. go to hell.

.c

Shearer's homecoming in 1995...

"They definitely meant business at the end of the 1995-96 season when i had decided to leave Edwood Park. As i have explained earlier, I returned from our summer holiday with my mind in turmoil about what i should do. The Newcastle and Keegan factors were real complications because I was such a big fan of both. In the end I had to blank out the fact that it was my boyhood hero and my favourite club and make a purely footballing decision. I had to be careful, too, not to be sweet-talked by Kevin because I knew how good he was at that. He did not have to sell himself or the club to me. All he had to do was convince me that a move to Newcastle would benefit us both - and in the end he managed to do so." - Shearer

taken off Shearer: my story so far..













and.. More.. on Owen's signing..

'That was the bottom line to the whole deal, and then when you hear a manager and a chairman and supporters on the television all making it known that they really want you, then that is certainly a nice thing to hear as well.
'They were very important, but you only have to look at the club, the support they have and the players currently here to realise it is a very big club and an even bigger club waiting to happen.'
Owen, who was unveiled in front of an estimated 15,000 ecstatic Newcastle fans at St James' Park this afternoon, agonised over his decision to give the Magpies the answer they craved after Liverpool failed in their belated bid to lure him back to Merseyside.

apparently he was overwhelmed by the amount of support.. who wouldnt be. coming here is prob the best decision of his career.. the bbc provided many pictures.. and audio clips..with shearer on owen.. etc. if anyone is interested.. check it out it's fantastic.. if not i dont give a shit. IM interested.














solano came back too.. just beat the transfer window.. and im just so glad.. he's been fantastic for the club.. he was part of the newcastle team of the past which i loved.. and i just really hope he completes the equation.. this team is fantastic. i dont see why we cant succeed. all the doom and gloom from the start of the season has been erased by all this amazing news.. i dont see how things can get worse from here (:


solano and shearer

and.. this whole thing has just reminded me of a dream i've had since.. forever.. to study in newcastle. it sounds so stupid and childish.. but to me this is so much more than just a football team.. i've grown to love the sport.. but also the city of newcastle and the people.. and just maybe.. i will do something about that.. howay the lads!!


1995..............................................2005

:)

i have to put this here. i dont care. was checking soccernet for the latest news on the owen signing.. and found out that jenas is going to spurs.. hmmm.. but nvm it's the owen thing i wanna talk about here.. again. and immediately i saw this headline -

Owen - Shearer role was vital
Michael Owen has revealed Alan Shearer even offered to give up Newcastle's famous number nine jersey in a bid to persuade him to move to St James' Park.

o. m. g. do YOU know how much being a number nine means to shearer!! it's THE jersey to have if u're a newcastle player and it's been the jersey number of legends ever since way back in the early 1900s or maybe even late 1890s. when shearer came he was wanted it desperately coz he was a geordie and he being a number nine meant so damn much to him. and now here u hear the news that he would even give up his jersey just to save his beloved club.. i would put the link the article here but i know NO ONE WILL READ IT!!! coz no one CARES ABOUT HIM!!! so i shall paste it here instead! just to make myself feel so damn good and touched all over again! and if u're reading this now whoever u are u better read on! or dont ever come back again! grrrrr...

Michael Owen has revealed Alan Shearer even offered to give up Newcastle's famous number nine jersey in a bid to persuade him to move to St James' Park.
The England striker had openly admitted he favoured a return to Liverpool from Real Madrid but was won over by the Magpies when visiting Tyneside on Monday.
'Alan was a great help throughout and instrumental in my decision,' writes Owen in The Times.
'I had spoken to him many times over the past few weeks and he should work for the Newcastle tourist board when he finishes playing football.
'He even offered to give up his number nine shirt but I have declined. Number 10 will do for me.
'I will regard playing alongside him in his last season as an honour. He has been, and still is, a great striker and there is no way that Newcastle should be where they are in the table with that calibre of player.'
Owen admits he was also taken aback by the response he has already received from the Toon Army after agreeing terms on a four-year deal.
He added: 'I have been watching the TV and seen the queues at the club shop. From what I can tell 99% of the fans are delighted that I have chosen Newcastle and are not wondering about how I got there.
'I have a lot of good memories of scoring goals at St James' Park - including a hat-trick on my first visit with Liverpool.
'I was clapped off by the home fans that afternoon and I only hope I can give them plenty of other reasons to cheer me. 'It will be like winning the World Cup to win a trophy.'

that article shows many many things. that newcastle has the best fans in the world who have respect for the opposition even if we lose. that owen may not be that bad a guy after all and he will be good for the club. how can he not be when he has the approval of shearer. last but not least.. it shows how self-sacrifical shearer is. i know i sound like a 10 -year old starstruck fool when i talk about matters like that.. but i dont give a shit. you know everytime i take down my shearer bio and just flip through it or look at pictures.. i feel so damn touched. and suddenly so full of inspiration and sometimes even like crying!!! no there is no screw loose i just have tremendous respect for him. i just read what shearer had to say bout giving up the jersey to shearer. and obviously since no one is gonna bother to click on that link.. i'll just put down somethings he said

"I dont know if michael will take the number nine shirt in a year's time, bu ti offered it to him now.. he politely declined, though there is no-one i would rather see carry on the proud tradition of the Newcastle United number nine shirt than him... he knows it is very special up here. I'll hand the mantle of scoring goals over to him when i pack in and he can continue that tradition. he's the right man to take over from me, and has chosen the right club at the right time. Michael doesnt have to be told about the fans, the club or the area. He knows the passion that surrounds Newcastle united."
and he goes on to give all the credit to not himself but the manager and chairman..
"the manager and chairman deserve the credit. There was so much hardwork put in to make this happen. I think it is a great coup for the club. It's a great pick-me-up for everyone. I dont think we could have made a better signing."

owen said that it was an easy decision for him too in the end. how can it not be easy! it doesnt matter that newcastle is NOT real madrid, or chelski, or man u or whatever. this club is amazing. the support.. the history.. owen u got lucky. this is his personal take on the decision..
"He's not the messiah, but he's a bloody good player....." - nufc.com

here is another article from the times on the owen signing... it ends like this
Owen, who will be unveiled at St James' Park at noon today, will now have to forget what might have been with Liverpool and concentrate on lifting his new club up the Premiership. He will not be able to say that he has come to Newcastle to win honours - they have failed to do so in every season since they lifted the Fairs Cup in 1969 - but, as Shearer will have told him, 'imagine the adulation if you did'.
a very bitter sweet ending. i know how much shearer wanted to lift a trophy for newcastle. he's been here for so long. and just put his heart and soul into every single season. yet.. it's never enough. and that chance is probably gone.. with the fa cup/league cup being the only decent chances this season. i pray it'll happen. 2 Fa cup final heartbreaks are just too much to take. and if there's ANYBODY who deserves a trophy. it's this guy.

i just found another article on soccernet. im going crazy today.


the headline was.. Toon begin Owen era. it's so bittersweet again. coz it just takes u all the way back to when shearer was first signed. and it has been his era ever since.. in a way owen's signing is so like.. reflective of when shearer first came. but of course, shearer's coming was.. and is incomparable.

'I've had a bit of a head-spinning couple of days,' the England striker said.
'There were three great clubs in the frame but the further it got towards to the deadline the more it became clear Newcastle was going to be my destination.
'At the end of it all I thought the best for my future was to move to Newcastle.
'I've been honest from the start. I have an obvious attachment to Liverpool and if that deal could have happened it would have been one big option but as the deadline approached it didn't seem that would be possible.
'When it came down to Real Madrid or Newcastle there was no question in my mind. I didn't have a decision to make.
'I want to play football, I love the Premiership, I've missed it while I've been away.'
Owen admitted Alan Shearer had played a major part in his decision to move to the north-east.
'He's been a good friend for a long time,' Owen said.
'It's his last season here and it will be an honour to play with him.
'He shares a lot of the same interests as I do and he was one of a few reasons (to join).'

'It is an exciting club to join. Unfortunately for them they haven't won anything for a long time. In a selfish way as soon as we do win something - when not if - it will be like your country winning the World Cup. Hopefully I can be part of it when it happens.

Owen was asked about the possibility of wearing Alan Shearer's number nine shirt.
He said: 'When I met Alan a couple of days ago he even offered me the number nine shirt for his last season but I would never have taken it off him.
'The gesture was unbelievable. We will see what happens at the end of season but I have been number 10 all of my professional career.
'Following Shearer is not easy. I can only guarantee I will give 100%, score as many goals as I can, but help the team win as many games as possible.'
Owen is looking forward to experiencing the passion of the Magpies fans.
'I have played up here a few times for Liverpool and England. The first time was in the under-15s for England. I've scored a lot of goals and seen Newcastle's support in my time at Liverpool. Everyone has assured me it is a fantastic following and I am going to have a lot of fun playing in the black and white shirt.'

a lot of fun. what an understatement.

i dont even care if we get relegated this season. well. of course i hope we wont so in that sense yes i care. what i mean is.. it doesnt matter what happens.. my loyalty.. and interest will always lie with this club even my interest has definitely waned in the recent year coz football is going down the drain. but it's right back up again. shearer has just touched me. again. today. sigh. nothing i say will ever be enough justification for the man. i dont care if people think he's old and balding. he's the most amazing footballer... and man around. i really sound like some stupid idiot. but I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am shearer's greatest fan ... who will never get to see him play live... :(

so owen has signed...
and horrors of horrors.. the black and white stripes actually look really good on him..





i think im being a complete idiot.. but i know somewhere inside im kinda jealous man.. and afraid. that he'll take the limelight off shearer.. who has been THE man since his signing eons ago.. haha im sound so damn primary school.. but i cant help it.. coz when i first took notice of shearer.. and developed a huge respect for him was indeed when i was in primary school.. but i guess.. the old always has to make way for the new.. im a horrible fan in the sense that im so sentimental.. whereas others would be glad that a new talent is coming..
i just hope owen has half the heart that shearer has.. and well.. good luck to the club. everyone seems to be pretty ecstatic about this signing. and shearer was a huge factor in bring him in anyway.. and now everyone's speaking bout what a great partnership they will have. well.. i still hope shearer bags the most goals this season just as he has every year since he came.. and just has.. a last glorious year.. after that.. owen can move in. but he'll never replace shearer. no one can ever replace him. and i know the geordies know that.. now feast your eyes..

taken off SHEARER: MY STORY SO FAR (i had to add this in. copyright crap scares me)



the first time shearer met kevin keegan.. who was one of his heroes growing up.. through a competition he won..



the print is so small.. but anyway that was shearer after scoring a hattrick against arsenal in his first EVER game in the epl in 1988.. he still holds the record today as the youngest player to do so at 17 years 240 days.. how incredible... (:
" The thing i remember most was the noise of the crowd as I went off. I had managed to shut it out for most of the game while I concentrated on playing but to hear my name echoing around the Dell was a fantastic sound. So this is what professional football was like! I didn't kid myself that it was going to be like this every week but my first taste of the big time was incredible. I could not wait for more.
Just to get in the side at such a young age was great.To score three goals was beyond my wildest dreams. Back in the dressing-room afterwards I didn't have time to think, though I did remember to make sure I got hold of the match ball as a souveneir which still has pride of place at my parents' home. once I changed, Chris Nicholl took me upstairs to his office so I could ring my mum and dad. Naturally, they were as pleased as Punch but slightly miffed that they had not been there in person." - Shearer





this is the guy who gave shearer his first step into the world of football and has been there ever since.. im not sure if he's still alive coz he has cancer a few years ago.. and it was a really sad story.. sigh



shearer in one of his extremely rare moments of violence where he lashed out on a friend on the pitch.. during his blackburn days which were probably in terms of goals scored and matches played the best part of his career.. he really did become a legend there. too bad no one today can appreciate that anymore.



yes i actually have a picture of becks here now. but so what.



the only thing that shearer has ever won.. the premiership title in 1995.. sigh.

i could go on and on and on.. there's so much more to say.. but.. im not in the right mind today so it wont do him justice.. shall put up more pictures tomorrow.. in his newcastle days.. and his family. his kids are just magnificently adorable. i sound like some stupid gushing teen. but i just really. really. respect this man.