ok. i just have to say something. im so sick of it.
in the straits time's urban today there's this stupid story about these 3 girls with d-cups calling thmselves the 3d girls and they're in this group performing and stuff.. and are even trying to get into the taiwanese market where there are an equally retarded group of girls with F-cups who are apparently the new f4.. yea the female version. the bigger one. and so one of the girls in 3d.. this sounds so damn cheesy.. is complaining about the hardships that they face.. because all people do is look at their chests and may not take them seriously when they're performing or whatever.

OMG. firstly. i hate to prejudge people. coz i always start off with damn negative impressions and ive been proved once and again that im wrong. so im trying my best not to do it here.. but please la! give me a stupid break! throw me a few million kit kats! c'mon man!!! IF you are going to plop yourself onto the page of a stupid newspaper wearing these unbelievably lowcut tops and even stooping down in a very unsightly whor-ish position for the camera to take a picture from the top.. and you're asking people to take you seriously.. and then u go on and on about your lovely chests.. if you want people to take u seriously. market yourself on your talents. on your abilities. not on our stupid 3Ds. if you wanted people to take you seriously instead on focusing on your chests why the HELL did u name yourself 3D. ok maybe these girls are ok people in real life.. just damn delluded. and it sucks coz i think there're prob a lot of poeple out there.

spare me the contradictions man. it's just so pathetic to see these kinda things.

on another note..
stephen taylor of the newcastle defence.. yes the one which holds up perfectly well everytime until after a while they start to crumble and the goals come flooding in.. but i still love them.. scored an equaliser for the england u21s hurray!



on the other hand.. an england squad with owen in it got beaten by n ireland. hoho. yes Eriksson's first defeat. i am however a bit shocked that after just one defeat fans have started shouting for him to ressign. how..quick the tide changes. well. england got beat. im assuming becks was cap. im loving it. this is what happens when shearer is not around. ha.

i know that one day in the future.. if i make it til then.. i will look back at these days of prelims and think.. how insignificant everything was. coz life would really have.. happened by then.. and whatever had happened would have brought me to wherever i was. it wont matter that i did shit for studying shit in a shit amount of time. this period is so damn insignificant and yet right now i can only see and think it determines the rest of my life coz of what i want.

maybe this is the real test. maybe it's so definite that if i go into this shit with the amount of crap i have now theoretically i'll fail miserably. but.. if i do really get.. to do what i want.. then i guess that would be a really strong indication that that's the path that well.. God has planned for me.. although there are a lot of ironies to that sentence but i cant be bothered to elaborate coz i know what i mean.. i think things out in my head but when i put them down on paper everything just sounds so damn wrong.

let's just get this STUPID SHIT over and done with dammit.
why the hell do we study SHIT that we have no crap interest in. i HATE talking about studies here but i shall just do it. yes i know why. coz it gives us discipline, and in a way it trains our mind and blah and all that but for right now i dont care. it's just really all shit. ____________________ crap.

i think good tunes.. melodies.. are easy to write.. well not easy.. but easier. but lyrics. lyrics are incredible. and it's really rare to find good ones.. i think that's what really differentiates a good songwriter from a bad one

had a dream yesterday.. we were able to abseil from the roof of vj.. which when i was looking down i saw that we were on top of a mountain. and i cant remember who i was with.. but we tried to go down.. and i forgot how to tie an abseiling knot. something i made up in my dreams. so sean and zhiyang came to help us. and zhiyang looked extremely skinny for some reason. and for another weird reason he was wearing his dunman high pants. hmmm. so anyway we got down safely.. and then i saw suan. he was wearing this horribly weird like.. cotton checkered kinda top.. u know that kind which like.. very extremely snaggish guys wear. and he looked so.. proper. when i woke up i realise he reminded me of toh. hmmm. and i took 1/2 h to find the odac room coz i forgot where it was and i had to walk through many movie theatres to find it. and all to deposit a pillow in which i was carrying the entire time. no.. dunno how.

is it really true that God has a plan for u.. like.. if it's according to his will.. things will happen.. it's so difficult to believe that God would know i would be doing.. what i would be today.. but in a way it kinda gives me comfort.. as though.. things didnt happen by my own will.. but they did. i dont know how to explain this. it's amazing that in times of ______ people can pop up from really no where and all out of the blue. i know what i want.. and that disappoints me tremendously considering the situation now. but.. i hope that i will.. believe that if it's God's will for me to do whatever i will. i think i have grown quite a bit during these 2 years in jc. no im not blowing my own stupid horn. i mean in the ways of.. taking to people more. coz.. there are a lot of good people out there.. i mean yea im still damn cynical if i dont know u. but those i know and like.. i really like. so thanks man. thanks cat (:

this image from the msn news kinda struck me..


was just reading a few articles and came across this one.. mmm.. there's a v short video there.. if anyone is reading this just take a look at it. i just found it interesting.. not that i agree. personally.. for me religon is more of a personal thing.. and i sometimes find it very hard to draw the line between people being religious or cultish.. i dont know. i just.. mmm.. kinda hard to find the right words.. but.. i'll guess we'll know in time.. maybe im just very sceptical.. NOT about God.. although i do have a lot of doubts about things.. or used to rather.. now.. i do have doubts but i believe.. but im more sceptical about the religon as a whole. how people define religon. the defined are not defined by the definers.. the definers are the defined.. define definitions definers defining. crap i dunno what the thingy is.. but im so damn glad i handed in a lit essay for once. yea how out of point.

anyway.. to someone who i know is reading this and emails me occasionally.. yea im talking about u coz there's only one of you :) - thanks a lot man.. i really appreciate it.. it's really.. difficult now. mmm.. but.. thanks for everything i'll reply u when i can.. coz i wanna put my heart and soul into a reply.. haha and right now.. i cant really do that.

mmm.. i.. not being alone physically.. but really feeling and knowing it.. it's definitely the worst feeling in the world. ever. hazel if u're reading this.. what we were talking about yesterday.. i had it last night.. haha if u have no idea what im talking about.. nvm :) sigh.

i may have changed my mind. thanks to someone this afternoon...
it's so weird how things work out.. how u meet people who really.. are just complete strangers and there is really no way that ur paths in life will cross.. and how these people.. just weave themselves into everything.. the whole picture.. it is truely amazing.. is it God.. hmmm..

sometimes i wonder why i do blog.. well not really but i do when at times like this i feel like.. why am i putting out my thoughts here.. coz in a way.. it's kinda like.. why u revealing ur life to so many other people man.. but.. i just need some place to.. like.. VENT!!! OMG!!!!! HAZEL JUST CALLED. and i think i had a very ferocious conversation i am so tired now and im leaving. haha ahh this world is so weird. i feel like shit! but yet. ok! like ok shit! actually NOT OK!!! NO NOT OK AT ALL!!

i really really think the world is going to end.
it's not a haha joke anymore. im serious..
coz i just dont see a 2006 happening at all..
or i dont see myself living past this year.. i just cannot see it in my future
so either the world ends.. or i'll die before. i honestly believe this.
we'll see. right now the latter wouldnt be too bad.

i dont even dare to do anything.. good for myself.
ive just gotten so used to being.. a bit of a loser.. i wanna stick here..
i have so many dreams.. and i've been telling myself for so long that.. i would do what was necessary to achieve it.
but i just do not believe i have any ability at all.. and im so scared to do anything.. coz at the end of the day if i fail to.. do what i intended to.. im done. it'll be confirmed then that really there is no hope.
sigh. ____ man.

just really dont deserve anything. and i think im saying this to convince myself that what im doing.. or not doing now.. is right

i was just reading about the chaos in new orleans. and it sounds really really really scary. coz there just doesnt even seem to exist even a little bit of humanity..
just watched a video of the london bomber too. the motives behind it.. and the actions. i dont know i dont even have words to describe it.
a very funny weird.. inappropriate thought hit me.

i wonder whether this is the beginning of the end of the world.

haha.

that was nervous laughter by the way

you know how sometimes.. u know there's a huge hurdle ahead.. but it seems there's time.. and it doesnt worry you so much.. and suddenly something amazing happens.. and u're just overwhelmed by a huge surge of feelings.. and you remain in that heaven of complete happiness.. and yet.. somewhat denial..

and after you've just.. really.. made yourself get high.. suddenly.. your world just comes crashing down again when reality sets in. and it just hits you.. out of no where. and you've just already.. just used up so much energy to make yourself happy.. and there's just suddenly in that moment none left to pick yourself up anymore...

and suddenly something comes along.. and.. it just hits you right in the face again.. and even in this place of complete complete utter despair.. maybe there could be hope somehow.. as you stare into that neverending hole of darkness..

sigh.. do you know? coz i really dont know man. i really dont know. i really dont know anymore.
a cry of desperation.. to myself

a total eclipse of the heart

OMG. THE CHANNEL U SPORTS NEWSCASTER CAN GO TO HELL
im SICK and tired of hearing people put down newcastle.. in speech. in the newspapers.. everything.
i watched the stupid owen thing to see the reception he got at st james and all the newcaster could go on and on about was this being only owen's second choice but it was some consolation the masses that came out to see him
WHAT THE HELL. newcastle fans are not a bunch of fools dammit! im so sick of these idiots. freak la. go to hell.

.c

Shearer's homecoming in 1995...

"They definitely meant business at the end of the 1995-96 season when i had decided to leave Edwood Park. As i have explained earlier, I returned from our summer holiday with my mind in turmoil about what i should do. The Newcastle and Keegan factors were real complications because I was such a big fan of both. In the end I had to blank out the fact that it was my boyhood hero and my favourite club and make a purely footballing decision. I had to be careful, too, not to be sweet-talked by Kevin because I knew how good he was at that. He did not have to sell himself or the club to me. All he had to do was convince me that a move to Newcastle would benefit us both - and in the end he managed to do so." - Shearer

taken off Shearer: my story so far..













and.. More.. on Owen's signing..

'That was the bottom line to the whole deal, and then when you hear a manager and a chairman and supporters on the television all making it known that they really want you, then that is certainly a nice thing to hear as well.
'They were very important, but you only have to look at the club, the support they have and the players currently here to realise it is a very big club and an even bigger club waiting to happen.'
Owen, who was unveiled in front of an estimated 15,000 ecstatic Newcastle fans at St James' Park this afternoon, agonised over his decision to give the Magpies the answer they craved after Liverpool failed in their belated bid to lure him back to Merseyside.

apparently he was overwhelmed by the amount of support.. who wouldnt be. coming here is prob the best decision of his career.. the bbc provided many pictures.. and audio clips..with shearer on owen.. etc. if anyone is interested.. check it out it's fantastic.. if not i dont give a shit. IM interested.














solano came back too.. just beat the transfer window.. and im just so glad.. he's been fantastic for the club.. he was part of the newcastle team of the past which i loved.. and i just really hope he completes the equation.. this team is fantastic. i dont see why we cant succeed. all the doom and gloom from the start of the season has been erased by all this amazing news.. i dont see how things can get worse from here (:


solano and shearer

and.. this whole thing has just reminded me of a dream i've had since.. forever.. to study in newcastle. it sounds so stupid and childish.. but to me this is so much more than just a football team.. i've grown to love the sport.. but also the city of newcastle and the people.. and just maybe.. i will do something about that.. howay the lads!!


1995..............................................2005

:)

i have to put this here. i dont care. was checking soccernet for the latest news on the owen signing.. and found out that jenas is going to spurs.. hmmm.. but nvm it's the owen thing i wanna talk about here.. again. and immediately i saw this headline -

Owen - Shearer role was vital
Michael Owen has revealed Alan Shearer even offered to give up Newcastle's famous number nine jersey in a bid to persuade him to move to St James' Park.

o. m. g. do YOU know how much being a number nine means to shearer!! it's THE jersey to have if u're a newcastle player and it's been the jersey number of legends ever since way back in the early 1900s or maybe even late 1890s. when shearer came he was wanted it desperately coz he was a geordie and he being a number nine meant so damn much to him. and now here u hear the news that he would even give up his jersey just to save his beloved club.. i would put the link the article here but i know NO ONE WILL READ IT!!! coz no one CARES ABOUT HIM!!! so i shall paste it here instead! just to make myself feel so damn good and touched all over again! and if u're reading this now whoever u are u better read on! or dont ever come back again! grrrrr...

Michael Owen has revealed Alan Shearer even offered to give up Newcastle's famous number nine jersey in a bid to persuade him to move to St James' Park.
The England striker had openly admitted he favoured a return to Liverpool from Real Madrid but was won over by the Magpies when visiting Tyneside on Monday.
'Alan was a great help throughout and instrumental in my decision,' writes Owen in The Times.
'I had spoken to him many times over the past few weeks and he should work for the Newcastle tourist board when he finishes playing football.
'He even offered to give up his number nine shirt but I have declined. Number 10 will do for me.
'I will regard playing alongside him in his last season as an honour. He has been, and still is, a great striker and there is no way that Newcastle should be where they are in the table with that calibre of player.'
Owen admits he was also taken aback by the response he has already received from the Toon Army after agreeing terms on a four-year deal.
He added: 'I have been watching the TV and seen the queues at the club shop. From what I can tell 99% of the fans are delighted that I have chosen Newcastle and are not wondering about how I got there.
'I have a lot of good memories of scoring goals at St James' Park - including a hat-trick on my first visit with Liverpool.
'I was clapped off by the home fans that afternoon and I only hope I can give them plenty of other reasons to cheer me. 'It will be like winning the World Cup to win a trophy.'

that article shows many many things. that newcastle has the best fans in the world who have respect for the opposition even if we lose. that owen may not be that bad a guy after all and he will be good for the club. how can he not be when he has the approval of shearer. last but not least.. it shows how self-sacrifical shearer is. i know i sound like a 10 -year old starstruck fool when i talk about matters like that.. but i dont give a shit. you know everytime i take down my shearer bio and just flip through it or look at pictures.. i feel so damn touched. and suddenly so full of inspiration and sometimes even like crying!!! no there is no screw loose i just have tremendous respect for him. i just read what shearer had to say bout giving up the jersey to shearer. and obviously since no one is gonna bother to click on that link.. i'll just put down somethings he said

"I dont know if michael will take the number nine shirt in a year's time, bu ti offered it to him now.. he politely declined, though there is no-one i would rather see carry on the proud tradition of the Newcastle United number nine shirt than him... he knows it is very special up here. I'll hand the mantle of scoring goals over to him when i pack in and he can continue that tradition. he's the right man to take over from me, and has chosen the right club at the right time. Michael doesnt have to be told about the fans, the club or the area. He knows the passion that surrounds Newcastle united."
and he goes on to give all the credit to not himself but the manager and chairman..
"the manager and chairman deserve the credit. There was so much hardwork put in to make this happen. I think it is a great coup for the club. It's a great pick-me-up for everyone. I dont think we could have made a better signing."

owen said that it was an easy decision for him too in the end. how can it not be easy! it doesnt matter that newcastle is NOT real madrid, or chelski, or man u or whatever. this club is amazing. the support.. the history.. owen u got lucky. this is his personal take on the decision..
"He's not the messiah, but he's a bloody good player....." - nufc.com

here is another article from the times on the owen signing... it ends like this
Owen, who will be unveiled at St James' Park at noon today, will now have to forget what might have been with Liverpool and concentrate on lifting his new club up the Premiership. He will not be able to say that he has come to Newcastle to win honours - they have failed to do so in every season since they lifted the Fairs Cup in 1969 - but, as Shearer will have told him, 'imagine the adulation if you did'.
a very bitter sweet ending. i know how much shearer wanted to lift a trophy for newcastle. he's been here for so long. and just put his heart and soul into every single season. yet.. it's never enough. and that chance is probably gone.. with the fa cup/league cup being the only decent chances this season. i pray it'll happen. 2 Fa cup final heartbreaks are just too much to take. and if there's ANYBODY who deserves a trophy. it's this guy.

i just found another article on soccernet. im going crazy today.


the headline was.. Toon begin Owen era. it's so bittersweet again. coz it just takes u all the way back to when shearer was first signed. and it has been his era ever since.. in a way owen's signing is so like.. reflective of when shearer first came. but of course, shearer's coming was.. and is incomparable.

'I've had a bit of a head-spinning couple of days,' the England striker said.
'There were three great clubs in the frame but the further it got towards to the deadline the more it became clear Newcastle was going to be my destination.
'At the end of it all I thought the best for my future was to move to Newcastle.
'I've been honest from the start. I have an obvious attachment to Liverpool and if that deal could have happened it would have been one big option but as the deadline approached it didn't seem that would be possible.
'When it came down to Real Madrid or Newcastle there was no question in my mind. I didn't have a decision to make.
'I want to play football, I love the Premiership, I've missed it while I've been away.'
Owen admitted Alan Shearer had played a major part in his decision to move to the north-east.
'He's been a good friend for a long time,' Owen said.
'It's his last season here and it will be an honour to play with him.
'He shares a lot of the same interests as I do and he was one of a few reasons (to join).'

'It is an exciting club to join. Unfortunately for them they haven't won anything for a long time. In a selfish way as soon as we do win something - when not if - it will be like your country winning the World Cup. Hopefully I can be part of it when it happens.

Owen was asked about the possibility of wearing Alan Shearer's number nine shirt.
He said: 'When I met Alan a couple of days ago he even offered me the number nine shirt for his last season but I would never have taken it off him.
'The gesture was unbelievable. We will see what happens at the end of season but I have been number 10 all of my professional career.
'Following Shearer is not easy. I can only guarantee I will give 100%, score as many goals as I can, but help the team win as many games as possible.'
Owen is looking forward to experiencing the passion of the Magpies fans.
'I have played up here a few times for Liverpool and England. The first time was in the under-15s for England. I've scored a lot of goals and seen Newcastle's support in my time at Liverpool. Everyone has assured me it is a fantastic following and I am going to have a lot of fun playing in the black and white shirt.'

a lot of fun. what an understatement.

i dont even care if we get relegated this season. well. of course i hope we wont so in that sense yes i care. what i mean is.. it doesnt matter what happens.. my loyalty.. and interest will always lie with this club even my interest has definitely waned in the recent year coz football is going down the drain. but it's right back up again. shearer has just touched me. again. today. sigh. nothing i say will ever be enough justification for the man. i dont care if people think he's old and balding. he's the most amazing footballer... and man around. i really sound like some stupid idiot. but I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am shearer's greatest fan ... who will never get to see him play live... :(

so owen has signed...
and horrors of horrors.. the black and white stripes actually look really good on him..





i think im being a complete idiot.. but i know somewhere inside im kinda jealous man.. and afraid. that he'll take the limelight off shearer.. who has been THE man since his signing eons ago.. haha im sound so damn primary school.. but i cant help it.. coz when i first took notice of shearer.. and developed a huge respect for him was indeed when i was in primary school.. but i guess.. the old always has to make way for the new.. im a horrible fan in the sense that im so sentimental.. whereas others would be glad that a new talent is coming..
i just hope owen has half the heart that shearer has.. and well.. good luck to the club. everyone seems to be pretty ecstatic about this signing. and shearer was a huge factor in bring him in anyway.. and now everyone's speaking bout what a great partnership they will have. well.. i still hope shearer bags the most goals this season just as he has every year since he came.. and just has.. a last glorious year.. after that.. owen can move in. but he'll never replace shearer. no one can ever replace him. and i know the geordies know that.. now feast your eyes..

taken off SHEARER: MY STORY SO FAR (i had to add this in. copyright crap scares me)



the first time shearer met kevin keegan.. who was one of his heroes growing up.. through a competition he won..



the print is so small.. but anyway that was shearer after scoring a hattrick against arsenal in his first EVER game in the epl in 1988.. he still holds the record today as the youngest player to do so at 17 years 240 days.. how incredible... (:
" The thing i remember most was the noise of the crowd as I went off. I had managed to shut it out for most of the game while I concentrated on playing but to hear my name echoing around the Dell was a fantastic sound. So this is what professional football was like! I didn't kid myself that it was going to be like this every week but my first taste of the big time was incredible. I could not wait for more.
Just to get in the side at such a young age was great.To score three goals was beyond my wildest dreams. Back in the dressing-room afterwards I didn't have time to think, though I did remember to make sure I got hold of the match ball as a souveneir which still has pride of place at my parents' home. once I changed, Chris Nicholl took me upstairs to his office so I could ring my mum and dad. Naturally, they were as pleased as Punch but slightly miffed that they had not been there in person." - Shearer





this is the guy who gave shearer his first step into the world of football and has been there ever since.. im not sure if he's still alive coz he has cancer a few years ago.. and it was a really sad story.. sigh



shearer in one of his extremely rare moments of violence where he lashed out on a friend on the pitch.. during his blackburn days which were probably in terms of goals scored and matches played the best part of his career.. he really did become a legend there. too bad no one today can appreciate that anymore.



yes i actually have a picture of becks here now. but so what.



the only thing that shearer has ever won.. the premiership title in 1995.. sigh.

i could go on and on and on.. there's so much more to say.. but.. im not in the right mind today so it wont do him justice.. shall put up more pictures tomorrow.. in his newcastle days.. and his family. his kids are just magnificently adorable. i sound like some stupid gushing teen. but i just really. really. respect this man.

was talking to sab last night.. my primary school best friend.. who we have so many stupid stupid stupid memories with.. practising cartwheels in the middle of her livingroom in the middle of the night.. me eating like shit at her house coz she always used these damn cheena bowls and chopsticks and the cheena feeling just made me love the food even more.. buying superrings and coke from the shop downstairs which was like a damn big luxury.. sigh. i pray her grandmother will be ok man. anyway.. we were talking bout my bro.. and it brought back super a lot of memories too..

i had a fantastic childhood. and my brother was such a huge part of it.. the thing we were talking bout last night was hilarious.. there was one stage when we were in primary school.. coz my brother is rather creative and just crazy.. he used to make magazines for me.. like mini mags with the A4 papers folded into halves. and there were these characters inside called thinso.. and fatso.. and a whole load of other stuff.. and it was like a monthly thing which i looked forward to. he would draw all these hilarious retarded pictures and come up with hilarious stories which i think i shared with sab sometimes and we just laughed our asses off.. and stupid jokes.. and there was even a page where there would be a contest to win a bag of sweets or something.. so i would fill in the entry and send it to the address.. which was basically my address coz obviously we lived together.. and someday on the way home he would buy some sweets and crap from downstairs and give them to me. it was the highlight of my life. but somehow we would end up quarelling like hell and bashing each other up.. until the next magazine came along. sigh.

so many things have changed since then.. and he's going to brunei tomorrow. i hate growing up.

on another note. hotmail has increased to 25 mb. hallelujah.

in another notebook, sigh.. we have signed.. owen. i dont really approve coz i.. he doesnt seem committed at all.. and we're like his last option.. but what the hell. he's here, he better be here for the club. i hope shearer injects some geordie pride into him.

in another universe.. danielle just sent me the lovely pic she drew for me that day in v28. i think it represents me very well.. rabbit. toilet. pee. shit. and eh.. some red stuff.. what's not to like (:



i was gonna put a picture of shearer.. coz i realise he's NEVER appeared on my blog before.. have no idea why.. but i think i'll save it for the next entry.. this toiletbowl is too degrading

i may have screwed up the only paper i actually have a decent chance of doing well in.
but.. well.. sigh.

van nistelrooy is the biggest asshole on the face of this earth
i can tolerate agression coz that shows u have heart
what i cannot tolerate is when an obviously very able-bodied man goes down in the most excruciating manner whenever someone pokes him and leaves his legs to get tripped by a goalkeeper in the penalty area

another heartbreaking match
another heartbreaking night.. but it's something i've gotta used to over so many years
at least i saw some spirit.. and some hope for tomorrow
shearer is bacckkkkkkkkkk... and luque is looking good.. football wise


i realise that it doesnt matter how great a defender u are.. when u come to newcastle u always turn into a bit fat screwup
i dont necessarily think souness to be the greatest manager in the world.. but i hope he doesnt get sacked.. coz i think he may actually have a great team on his hands.. what we need is a little more fortune in the injury department and a whole lot of team spirit.. with a crowd of 52 000 behind u im sure u can achieve the impossible. plus what andy gray said rings true.. continuous sacking of a manager is no solution to the problem.

on the other hand.. a wonderful picture from last weekend's matches caught my eye..

i think streakers are so damn retarded.. but really are hilarious
the picture was taken at an angle.. where eh.. nothing important is visible really
but knowing how sensitive such issues can be.. i thought i'd add in a little censorship

sigh. reality check man. reality check. get on the stupid wagon already.

gp inspires me to a heck of a lot of an extent.
it's not so much the 'subject'... but more.. the knowledge of the world around u and everything.
i guess science and maths are ok if u're interested.. and lit is a more specific group of arty farty people.
i like lit, but i dislike analysis which most of the time destroys the original beauty.
gp has just it made so clear the direction to pursue in uni.

if i get in.

3 years
6 years
4 years
2 years

how did i become the person i am today

the answer lies in home ____ sweet ____ home
i would like to thank the people here for their continous efforts to put me down. consciously or unconsciously. for always using such positive words on me. shit, being my favourite example. for giving me such a great environment of negativeness to grow up in. for giving me so much space by taking me for granted. for giving me looks of disgust from time to time, making me feel like the most beautiful person in hell. for giving me the gift of being tone death in the face of all these soft sounds of.. agitation.

it is true that.. how u develop during these years shape u for the rest of your life. whatever positive happens from here on.. that foundation can never be removed.

so thank you for making me the person i am today. i thank ______ you.

14+ years of 'education'. 2 weeks to cram in the seemingly impossible shitload.
just when i needed some encouragement, these lovely people over here managed to dish it up again. just like they always have been. and now, i feel i can conquer nothing.

if i am a parent one day. i hope i will be. i want to be. i swear. i'll raise my kid in an environment of positive energy and confidence.

i have revamped my blog! maybe temporarily.. or.. permanently... i dont know.. what looks better? that guy or these pictures? (: anyways.. i've spent quite long doing this.. coz there's just simply no way i can do any work.. as i have for the past 2 days.. sigh. but let's not go there. or i'll just flop down here and die coz im so damn screwed. a few hours ago.. i was feeling this damn strong urge to just blog down my love for this amazing class which i've had the huge fortune of being a part of. however.. after a few hours have passed.. i dont know why.. i just feel a bit like.. a silly little girl. but i shall still do it anyway.. (:

ok. i have no idea what im gonna say.. or how much im gonna go into.. but.. let's just see how deep i can go.. without crossing the line which.. i think ive drawn for myself..
yesterday sometime in the afternoon at 2 something.. i was sitting right here typing out this horrible entry which i've since deleted. i was just feeling extremely extremely extremely downtrodden and disheartened.. for various reasons.. and i just felt like.. i think it's quite uncharacteristic of me to say this.. like i've just really given up on just everything. just.. given up literally. dee came on at night and i spent the entire time ranting at her. i am so sorry.. sigh. and after i was done typing that shitty entry.. i got msgs from dee and meixi bout what was going on in school.. and suddenly right there and then it hit me.. i felt like the most self-centred person the face of this earth. i tried going to my room.. to do something.. read a bit of plath.. but all i could do was just.. bash myself inwardly at the horrible person i was so convinced i was. i dont know how to explain it.. but when i skip school a lot and something goes on.. i mean i dont think really that my presence is like whoa. but i feel.. guilty towards my class in a way. and i felt exactly like that yesterday.. and that i really have let mr ho down. i just.. didnt know what to do.. and was at a complete loss lying there with all these thoughts that i really am the worst person ever. incapable. invalid. and the most terrible friend. sigh. somemore self centred thoughts. decided to just.. remove this blog.. coz it just made me feel.. so selfish and all.. and really pathetic. i spent the day being basically.. miserable.. and just trying to pass my time doing stupid stuff.. and keep my mind occupied.. it didnt help that i was getting bombarded with more comments.. from some place.. as if i dont put myself down enough. like thanks a lot man. but i was.. there was no way i was gonna miss.. our last day of so called 'formal education'... so this morning i just picked off that smile from somewhere on the ground and slapped it back on my face and made it to school. yeaaaaaa!

got to school pretty early.. and went to find danielle and sarah.. then we went to the spec's stand.. and talked about.. what we were supposed to the previous day.. and u know dee and sarah if u're reading this.. i think what did happen.. it's really in a way been a load off my mind. i feel like that anger in that part of my mind. has been lifted.. a little.. is fading.. i dont know.. but thanks anyways u guys.. for assuring me that i was right. haha so sarah was eating two blocks of triangular shaped candle wax which she offered to me and i rejected it obviously coz i accept nothing more than shit which tastes tremendously yummy.. esp if it floats.. i hope no one is eating now.. or shitting for that matter.. coz if ur shit sinks u'll feel so inadequate.. but anyways. then mel and zhen came down from the cross table.. and it was just so great seeing them.. even though i havent just only for a day.. haha.. and we were talking about what happened in class yesterday.. it really did make me a little sad that i wasnt there.. but more than that i was just really really happy.. that.. well.. everyone.. or most people.. feel so much about our class.. i mean.. this is singapore.. where people dont openly express their feelings.. and yet that all changed in an hour plus yesterday.. and they were telling me what everyone said.. did.. whatever.. and i dont really wanna name names.. but everything.. just really damn touching.. and that really just set the mood for the entire day.. which just really passed by in a blur.. o yea i must say something now. i hope mrs wee doesnt use the net -_-. but sometime after school macy and i saw her going back to the hod room.. and she looked up at us.. and i actually waved at her. i cant believe it. and she responded. mm. well. make whatever u want out of that.

soooooooo.. really the day just flew by... celebrating bing's birthday.. everything.. when we were talking bout the start of school and they were bringing back the initial thoughts they had that norman and i were together just coz we were sitting together on the first day of school and he looked like an ac guy. hahaha it just brought back so many memories.. i remember being the stupid person that i was.. i totally forgot what class i was.. and during the first 5 days of school i was already so damn disoriented. firstly. this was a co-ed school and i was still pretty freaked out after having been shut in a nunnery for 10 years. and i didnt exactly have the best orientation coz i was still.. extremely introverted at that point of time.. or my behaviour at least.. so i went from class to class and asked.. excuse me is this 04s23.. repeat a thousand times.. and finally i found us.. hurray! what i remember about then was.. i really was just.. scared. but i did say something to norman though. i think i said do you need a pen.. and he said yea so i gave him one and he said thanks. hahaa normz.. i thought u were typically damn dao la. but i think at that point in time i was the same.. so.. we're even man. ok if im gonna go on and on like that i'll never ever finish this entry.. so i shall stop being so long-winded and just speed along..

anyway. i cant even begin to say how much this class has done for me... even if of course they didnt like.. physically mean to.. coz in a way as much as i love my class.. i feel terrible saying this. but i feel quite.. out of it sometimes. most of the time actually when we do class stuff together.. i feel like a spectator on the border.. just looking on.. and feeling the love from where im standing.. but not being in it.. but i dont know.. i think that's just the mentality that i have.. but i still.. am just so glad for everyone.. and everything..
but of course. i shall begin now. haha. ok. when i left mg.. the last year of my mg life.. was just.. well.. very very very difficult due to some reasons which i definitely will not mention here. i left mg.. with a lot of negative feelings about people around me and this world. dont get me wrong. i love mg and my friends.. the 10 years i spent there was an amazing period of my life.. and my friends.. were just the best people. but i was.. very disillusioned when i left that place. i felt.. just very let down by everything.. extremely extremely insecure.. and my confidence was just really no where to be found.. i felt like everyone and everything was just so damn superficial.. and yea.. life just about sucked at that point.. i felt like i could not live out to all these superficial standards set around me. and i was just really.. i dont know. but i was determined to .. maybe.. change things when i got to jc.. to now i think i didnt really do that. turn my life around and be the best person i could be. but everyone who i've met.. has more than made up for what i could not accomplish here in veejay.
and these 2 years have been.. time has really really flown by.. and my class.. i think the most amazing thing is.. everyone single one of them has just transformed my view on the earth.. and its weird inhabitants called humans. i actually have come to believe again that love and hope does exist. haha that sounds so stupid but it's true! and the friends that i have made.. have just really made me see the beauty of friendship all over again. and even in a way.. i think maybe improved the relationships that i had with my mg friends... (: the friends that i've made here.. they just accept every single flaw.. and.. just really dont judge.. and.. i was very concious of many many things.. when i left mg.. but here.. i felt like nothing was based on anything superficial.. i have no idea how to explain it. dont get me wrong. vj was definitely full of many many ups and downs. not everyday was the happiest day on earth. but.. i think what happiness i got out of it.. just is so much more important than all the negatives and totally outweighs them.. and even if in my class.. there are quite a few people whom i am not v close to.. but i appreciate everyone. coz i've really never seen such a huge gathering of such special individuals before. as in seriously. it must have been fate that put us in a class. haha i sound so retarded huh. and it's not like the big things which happen the entire time.. it's just small gestures here and there.. like when zeya asked me quite a few times whether i was ok today.. he prob doesnt know this but it really meant a lot to me.. and when wei liang msgs me on rare occasions sometime spouting a shakespeare poem.. haha.. it just makes me feel that.. hey i may actually matter to somebody.. as much as they matter to me.. i could just write on more about everyone.. but i dont wanna do that here.. and in such a public area.. i shall save that for another place.. and time.. (: but today just flew by anyway.. it didnt even feel like school.. it felt so.. happy... but yet kinda sad..

today when i opened up the letter mr ho gave to each of us.. it said miss t--- w-- l----.. that's just so touching... miss t--- w-- l---. for once i really liked my name.. haha sigh.. ok well anyway. i was so damn stunned when i opened it. i mean.. i knew mr ho is just prob about the most incredible human being who i know exists.. but i didnt know he was like merlin or something.. and could forge everyone's handwritings. i mean i knew he knew us well.. but THAT well.. i was shocked. so i read on and i was like whoa whoa whoa.. how did he know me so damn well.. until 30 seconds in i realised.. it was the love letter that we wrote to ourselves for gp at the start of last year.. haha.. i have to be the biggest idiot in the world.. at the top i wrote.. dear weilynn.. the reader. and at the bottom when i signed off i wrote love, wei lynn.. the writer. i really am a bit dumb. but the thing is.. when i read it i was really shocked.. and quite a few people shared these opinions about their letters.. i sounded so full of hope.. i sounded so emotional. when i read it a lot of old feelings came flooding back.. i sounded so very.. passionate.. so much anger and confusion... but yet so much hope. i have changed.. i dont know for the better or the worse.. in a way.. i feel so much more.. fragile now. coz that immense anger i had at this world.. it is still there.. but some of it has been just removed.. and taken away over time.. coz i've just come to.. accept the realities of this world more.. not that i am conforming.. but.. i think we all need to accept.. sigh. i dont know. but yea. my classmates. all of us i think we've all changed. some a little.. some really a lot. and through these years i've just gotten to love each one of them more and more. it doesnt matter whatever flaws some of us may have.. coz they're all really so special. and so incredible. every single gesture.. i remember it completely. thanks guys.. for giving me so much attention everytime i make a presentation.. i remember pw and coz.. i really have lost the ability.. to be confident in front of people.. i was just screwing up so much and shafy was like.. weilynn relax.. we're all your friends.. haha.. not sure if she remembers that.. and my recent gp presentation.. thanks everyone for just listening.. (: everything which each person has done.. or said to me over these 2 years is still ringing in my head. all the msgs.. every small gesture.. i dont think anything i say will be able to express how grateful i feel.. and.. how much each and everyone of u has touched my life unknowingly.

when i came to vj i was very messed up. extremely. extremely. messed up. i still am on and off now. but.. the days that i am not.. it's thanks to the people in my life. and the days that i am.. the msgs that i get mean a lot to me.. o hurray mel just msged.. haha. it's so exciting! when u open up ur phone.. and see something from someone who means a lot to you.. i feel like i have a lot more to say.. but i am really very inadequate when it comes to expressing myself.. i would like to ask my classmates something here though.. whichever one of u is reading this.. please. u have to invite me to your wedding. hahaa. it will be.. an absolute honour. shafy remember. coz i think u'll be the first. haha. anyways.. i guess i should end.. it's like 10 30 now and i started at early 9 plus..

so just really.. thanks.. every single person in 04s23.. for even acknowledging my presence. yes. even weiliang and izzu when i was leaving school one day. i heard someone shouting my name t--- so damn loudly. t---! ---! w-- l---! and i would look towards the library and the shouting would stop and then it would start again. haha crazy. but yea! u guys rock. and even talking to me. or caring or everything. this sucks im making it sound like it's all about me.. but it's not. i just feel very blessed to have been part of such a great group of poeple.

zhen. norm. shafy. wenjie. fadhli. izzuDDin. zeya. dee. sarah. hazel. sum. pri. waijia. amos. veron. joy. diana. mel. meixi. o-wern. wee suan. karthik. wei liang. bing.
u guys really have just brightened up my life.. (:

last kiss

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road, straight ahead
A car was stalled, the engine was dead
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget, the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

When I woke up the rain was pouring down
There were people standing all around
Something warm, flowing through my eyes
But somehow I found, my baby that night
I lifted her head she looked at me and said
"Hold me darling just a little while"
I held her close I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I had missed
Well now she's gone even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life, that night

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

i love this song. it's so beautiful in all its sadness. it's as though love really does exist.. in its purest.. rawest form.. i love it.

i am sitting here now.. coz i dont wanna do anything. my mind is a complete blank and my willpower to do anything right now. today. is a complete zero. i am trying not to care about anything and that is making everything even so much more real. so for just this period i shall try not to give a shit about anything. im so tired. shall not talk about this anymore.

i cannot believe 2 years of jc have just flown by.. mel and i were talking about it today during lessons.. o man.. im repeating myself again.. but im soooooooooooooooo thankful for my class.. and i think we got the best teachers in the world.. gosh.. i could go on and on about this.. but.. boohooooooo... we were having chem lab today and i think it's prob the most enjoyable lab lesson that i've had ever.. to just talk and joke and do everything so freely.. to actually have fun mixing chemicals and all.. to have the guys all gaying around as usual.. shit. i cant believe friday is the last day of our uniformed education. forever. can u believe it? i cant believe my days of going to school. moaning and groaning or being a complete fool. and being a part of the most amazing class on earth is going to come to an end. i was looking at danielle's blog.. and i saw the pic of us at pizza hut at the start of last year.. haha o man. everyone has changed. so. damn. much. it's like.. this life has come to an end..and we're all gonna embark on this very scary new life.. it's crazy. 2 years. no.. i dont feel like a victorian. and i prob wont ever. anyway i think vs guys will only think that they are the 'true victorians'. shall not go on anymore.. heh. coz it's well.. a sensitive issue. and i do feel extremely strongly bout my mg too. 10 freaking years. but.. im really really glad i came to vj.. and all these great great great people who i've crossed paths with over the last 2 years.. wow. just thank you man. for all the good and bad shit that has happened.. thank you.. all the idiots whom i have met.. and to all the rest i just totally.. dig u guys man. it's been an awesome ride. friday. is going to be a very sad day. i never thought it would come.

actually.. i take back what i said.. about idiots whom i've met. coz i've met none. really. i think everyone really is special in their own way.. and for those whom i didnt necessarily agree with.. it's just a personal preference kinda thing. difference of character. i almost did something that day.. which might have relieved me of well.. some stuff. but i didnt. dont know why.

i'll write more on this next time.. i dont wanna forget.. what this 2 years.. has done. but.. just not in the happy mood which i need to be in.. to celebrate the wonderful friendships made.

from this...



to this...


even norman seems to have aged...

yea... class table.. :)

ok got home a while ago.. and i wanna blog first before i my thoughts and feelings run far far away from me.

i realised that school a really great place to be at. i think i've definitely spent the 2 most useless years of my life academic wise in jc coz i dont listen to lectures or do tutorials so everything is a complete blank but a lot of things go on outside these areas of 'learning' and to me.. that is jc. i went to school with a heavy heart this morning and came back feeling as light as a bird. well. sort of. what a stupid analogy but i am feeling a bit idiotic now.. so there.

thank you danielle for walking me to the bus stop and talking so much crap. haha crap o yea i must call SBS and congratulate them on their wonderful service of 48. i cant believe i discovered it so damn late dammit. sbs rocks. i remember mr ho said something along the lines of.. even though u wanna be 'good' u much rather stay in the 'bad' than go to the 'good'. kinda meaning like.. even though u know u're in a shitty situation and doing shit u rather be there than be this great amazing person aceing everything being the president of this and that. and the reason for that is u take comfort in the shit.. u dont dare to step out of it to be good.. coz what if u do and u realise that u arent.. and am in fact a good for nothing. i think i mentioned this before.. but anyway.. yea i think that's so damn true.. and it's exactly the situation im stuck in.. i dont dare to try to make things good for myself.. or be a better person that i know i can be.. coz im scared that when i do i'll realise that there's nothing there at all. ive been completely drained or any confidence i had left. and i am literally extremely convinced now that i am unable to accomplish a lot of things. but i shall try my best to move away from that.. i have to.. no choice.. i deserve better!! i deserve better!!

i think being around friends makes u just feel so happy. talking and everything. keeping myself isolated from the rest of society.. is just not doing myself any good. i guess im trying to protect myself.. and not wanna face things.. but at the end of the day.. i am just rotting away in this cover of protection.. i guess u've just gotta face up to everything.. face ur fears.. and before u know it things will be better.. im blogging this as a reminder.. so the next 2 weeks are probably gonna be like hell.. but i cant isolate myself forever.. thanks to my great classmates.. for just making jc life soooooooooooo tolerable and so much happier.. i had many many thoughts at the start of the year of retaining myself. crazy huh. i just felt so inadequate about everything. but the biggest factor that made me stay where i am other than the obvious realisation that i was being a complete idiot is my class (: so i was walking home happily just now listening to class 95.. which is a way better station than 98.7.. i prefer the djs and the music is so much better.. i hate the music on 987.. anyways.. and michael jackson's black and white came on.. followed by carrie underwood's inside your heaven.. haha i love the first song it's my favourite song of his.. and although i think the second is kinda cheesy.. she does have an amazing voice.. and it just lifted my spirits somehow.. for a couple of hours today i have been convinced that life is great.. and we can be really really happy.. i shall try to keep that up for the rest of the day.. although i feel myself falling asleep now.. zzzzzzzzzz...

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!!!!