hypocrisy.
it sickens me so.
some choose this glorification in different ways - through complete self-delusion, through cheem, utterly-incomprehensible prose for the common folk, of whom i would gladly associate myself with. this glorification comes across so beautiful.. making one out to be an angel who has broken free from the rat-pack and everything else ugly that the human race has to offer, yet one is vulnerable, with one's strong character being one's downfall.
sigh. it sickens me..
and the only thing that makes it worse is that i even give a shit.

i think.. for once.. i need to concentrate on _______.

have i mentioned how much i love singapore? i'll say it again. this place is home, and there really... really is no place like home. it's where everything you love it.

there're a lot of things.. which i need to get off my chest.. but no time now.. and dont feel like going into.. lengthy prose.. so..

(1) was reading the newpaper today with the best sports quotes of the year and ashley cole says something like when he heard 55 000 pounds, he almost swerved his car (btw.. swerve is a damn tricky word to spell.. almost caught me there). and then it says, ashley cole said this when he found out arsenal were not willing to pay him 60 000 and only 55 000. he later joined chelsea.

...

WHAT THE HECK. i used to play CM and being stupid brainless and childish.. well.. ok MORE stupid, brainless and childish back then i saw some of the very like.. young up and coming lowly players, they were only paid a MISERLY 3000 pounds a week, and i was like.. o man how do they survive. ... since then i have realised what a STUPID thinking process that was. the money involved in football is just crazy crazy crazy. and this IDIOT... overpaid idiot here is complaining about 55 000 only.. and yet he so many like.. young kids look up to him.. sigh. what is wrong with this world. i understand. but i dont understand. i dont understand how people can be so damn selfish and others so disillusioned.

i dont support alan shearer for no reason

(2) the recent news about trump and miss usa has been annoying me. for those who dont know, miss usa was rumoured to be going to be stripped of her title after reports surfaced of her wild partying and generally very unbecoming behaviour (o man there is a 'u'. brit spelling. not american. notice) in public. but trump has excused her. sigh. in the first place, we all know beauty pageants are bullshit. but yet they still continue on.. and these 'amazing young women' who win are expected to be role models and all.. but seriously.. all this episode has revealed is.. - more bullshit to that. it's just pathetic

(3) i honestly honestly think.. i have become very very pro-asian since going to the states.. and im worried that ive become quite anti.. well anti other things. i dont know why. i hope not. cos that is slightly scary thought.. scary and stupid. but it's not that bad.. i just.. i dont know. it's actually slightly difficult for me to watch american shows now.. like it's kinda uncomfortable. i dont know why. i am just slightly crazy

(4) yes i am back. but right now. i am.. non-existant.

(5) i miss my friends a lot.. you have no idea how much...

sigh.

- me

i had another horrible... horrible nightmare yesterday...

i cant really remember now.. but i was seriously freaked out.

i dreamt that.. we knew the world was going to end. and we were anticipating it... when is it coming.. one day i looked out at the window... and nothing but destruction lay before my eyes... it was so so scary.. we went somewhere else.. somehow.. to a mini church gathering.. praying.. everything.. and meanwhile all around us the world was really just full of destruction.. there was a massive flood.. we were in a building.. and it was just a matter of time before we were going to drown when the water caught up with us.. and i woke up. freaked out.

it's weird how im typing this and my songs are on shuffle and 'amazing love' just happened to come on. sigh. i remember i tried to read revelations last time... i dont know why i stopped.. either coz i had no patience.. or i just didnt want to think about it.

i was just watching some commissioning videos that i found on youtube.
somehow brought me to tears. kinda. sigh.

have turned to army daze for some humour (:
hahaa... i watched it sometime when i first came here... laughed myself to death.. i should have gone to see the musical before i left..

this mum is telling her son not to go to pengkang hill coz her son got struck by lightning there before.. hahaa. crazy man. if anyone is interested.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7_AsHv7et0&mode=related&search= this is the link.

Platoon Sergeant: i have some good news and bad news
(murmuring...)
PS: this afternoon.. all of you will have... a change of underwear!!!
(cries of happiness)
PS: now the bad news.. bad news. platoon 4 will change with platoon 5.
huhhhhhhh

hahahahahaaa o man.


hahaa.. somethings are just.. too stupid for me to comment on. so there.

wow. hahaa. im thinking of home a lot i dont know why. was looking through friendster.. for memories of friends.. laughing at some testimonials.. when i noticed something.. a few mentions in the past.. that i was fun.

hahaaa i think.. i must have really changed a lot. coz i am in all honesty so damn boring now. maybe i used to be lively.. more fun to hang out with.. now i think.. the only contribution i make to a group is adding a few sarcastic remarks in here and there, a few wry smiles, and basically be a dead fish the rest of the time. sigh. am i growing old before my time. you know.. when u start off as a fun person... it's easy to become a boring one.. if time and circumstances... allow for it.. but it's difficult to change the other way round.. and this.. indeed.. must be one of the stupidest entries ever.

sigh. i am boring. so be it i guess. acceptance.

and i just found out.. that siti, ernie and izzah have gone back to brunei.
:(:(:( sad. didnt even get a chance to say goodbye. these three people unknowingly have given me such great memories.. this is extremely traumatising to type out due to my inability to express my feelings.. but...

i love you guys man! hahaaa sigh

and now. they will never know :(. well actually. i think siti knows. or not. hahaa they were just great really.. will definitely.. actually already do.. miss having them around.. when you live with people.. 24/7.. go through so many ups and downs.. everything.. you discover a lot more about people.. and there's really a closeness which is incomparable.

i remember during first 3 months, siti and i had talks when we did duty together.. and that was.. really really cool.. and during st. she approached me one day, told me her family was coming to singapore and asked whether i could possibly reccomend anywhere for them to stay.. or help her find out.

the fact that she came to me to ask me.. that was one of the best moments for me.. really. see. the small things we do.. here and there.. i guess we might not notice.. how much of an impact we are making... and from my 6/7 months.. i can remember so so many... all my friends, romans, countrymen. you guys have touched me over and over again.. without even knowing it.. and made such an impact in my life.

some things some people have said to me recently... told me recently.. almost brought me to the verge of tears. yea im super emotional actually, so what. sigh. stop touching me.. not literally.. i cannot take it. but yet i can. sigh.

all of u.. are missed.

and bao en? i agree with what you said.. and it's sad.. that.. sometimes we might.. ourselves add to the negative labels that we are well.. labelled with. hahaa. but.. i guess.. it's up to the individual.. and im sure u.. and i.. will.. be able to be professional about it (: things will go well.. it's up to the individual. set a new standard! hahaa no worries (:

i just need to say now that I MISS MY FRIENDS A LOT!!!!!!!!! everyone i know back home... sigh. im really.. really looking forward to home. i really am.

i dont knwo what's wrong with me.. im getting more and more last minute.. im studying for every single paper the night before with no sleep or the day itself if it's a night paper. sigh. actually i know what's wrong. but ok. doesnt matter. exams.. in practical real terms... matter a lot.. for certain reasons.. and honestly i feel quite a lot of pressure.. but other than that.. to me it really doesnt.

sigh. just yea. i miss home. and friends. friends a lot. i miss all the great people back home. sigh.

it's 710 am dec 9 in singapore now. the guys.. bao en.. elaine.. jo.. jasmine.. siti ernie izzah.. all the rest.. they're all commissioning today..

i wish i was too.. i really wish i stayed on for pro.. this would prob have been.. one of the best days of my life ever.

it's a very bittersweet feeling.. but im super happy for them.. and damn.. damn proud of the girls (:

i was listening to jue jiang on the bus just now.. hahaa.. it's kinda really like.. our song.. wocc.. and seriously now everytime i listen to it esp so far from home and everything.. it just stirs up so many feelings in me.. makes me wanna cry more than anything else.. and that's not a bad thing. i couldnt be happier that i chose this.. i think im super excited about my career.. it doesnt matter anything negative i hear.. coz ill make what i want out of it.. i still believe.. passion and genuine heart can overcome anything.

it's amazing what much has happened in such a short span of time.. and i guess.. challenges can bring out the best or worst in u.. depending on however u take them right.. sigh. i dont know. i really miss the girls.. a lot.. nothing can ever replace that experience which i am so grateful for..

i cant wait.

i just came back from my last viet war class.. and my prof who has been involved very much in the VVAW movement.. that is vietnam veterans against war.. brought in his friend who served as a lieutenant in vietnam for i think three years... or something like that and has been very involved in this whole anti-war thing.

so anyways.. he came in.. and talked about many things.. too much to say.. but stuff like his active involvement in this whole movement.. the shit.. as in real shit we're talking about here.. that he witnessed.. going to colombia.. not the prestigious uni.. the country.. his mum being threatened and spyed on by intelligence officers coz they do that to vietnam vets who are very outspoken about their position on the government and the war, being beaten up and arrested by police 10 times during demonstrations.. some experiences in vietnam.. i dont know. things that might shock people who dont know anything much about war.. but after a whole semester.. u just kinda get used to it.

he spoke with obviously a lot of passion.. and americans can be pretty much in ur face. they say what they like. and he portrayed his obvious hatred for george bush without a flinch.. calling him an fing mf and things like that.. but that was just how he spoke and delivered something he felt so strongly about. and i was thinking compared to singapore.. where all these stupid 'cynical' high level government people who've been there and done that come in to give talks to young poeple.. they try to speak passionately and be controversial about things because.. ooo.. singapore's o so closed up.. and u can tell when someone is being genuine and when someone is trying to create an effect. i very much think it's the latter.. and then they make these stupid 'subtle' dry humour jokes which are so NOT FUNNY but the audience goes hahaahaaa.. rolling with laughter.. whatever BS.. well that's my stand. and i just hate it. but it's different here.

the point is.. i dont know after a while.. i just kinda settled into this state of like.. listening to what he was saying.. absorbing it.. but just feeling quite tired about all this stupid war debate. it's so easy to be influenced immediately if u're put in an environment where everyone thinks that way.. and definitely definitely there is some truth.. but i dont want to take a stand. it's tiring. coz i think.. there is no stant to take and there'll never be someone completely right or wrong.

but anyways. i arrived late.. and it's like a small class of maybe.. 20 + people so basically you know everyone in a sense. and there was this guy sitting beside me and i realised i'd never seen him before.. but didnt think too much about it. and at the end of the class. they were like.. o right. havent introduced u to aaron - grad student here who's a iraq veteran. and for a moment i was like. stunned.

here was this well.. young, good-looking, just pretty much an all-american guy sitting next to me and u would never have guessed that he had served in iraq and back. i think people dont realise who is going to war. they think it's all these professional soldiers and sign ons.. but they dont realise that teenagers are being sent ot war. so anyways he came back in 2004 i think if im not wrong, and he spoke a little about his views on something.. i think it just really.. shocked me.. coz you wont relate his face to iraq.

i dont know. im just right now. tired of this war bullshit.

and also.. just very very tired.

came across an interesting article regarding liberal arts education: http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/Departments/elearning/?article=liberalarts>1=8847

basically the article has one part which lists the much higher salaries business, engineering and computer earning earn as compared to that of psychologists, historians and er.. just general liberal arts people. but then the guy says

Given the evidence, why would anyone in their right mind opt for the liberal arts degree?

I could tell you, sincerely, that it's not all about the money. But it might be better to lean on another cliché: If you do what you love, the money will follow.

that's something which i say a lot. and i honestly really believe in it. i dont know. complicated things seem so simple to me that sometimes it's difficult to understand it from someone else's point of view. when i was younger, i always thought how cool it would be to work overseas coz i want a job that has international dealings.. which might still be an option in the future. but after coming here.. i think my mind has just opened up a lot more. some of the singaporeans here are not on scholarship but dad or mum's cash, and they are the ones who are considering working here definitely even though they miss home too obviously.. and when i ask why they say the opportunities are better.. and of course there is so much more money.

i dont care if i sound like an idiot to me but even though i understand what they're saying.. i can never understand where they are coming from. to me i have only one simple view - i dont give a shit about the money, as long as i can support myself adequately.. do something i love.. i dont care at all. and... i cannot imagine working away from home where everything and everyone you love is. my simple logic is there is nothing more important than going home to people you love. but i guess maybe to each his own.

back to the statement above. i have always said that.. like people say where really can a liberal arts degree get you.. esp in singapore which places so much emphasis on all this science.. structured.. kinda stuff.. but i really believe that if you have enough passion and love for something.. success will come naturally. it'll take some courage, some persistance but i honestly do think that if you believe in something enough.. work hard enough for it and just really have a genuine passion.. things will always work out. money.. money is really really secondary. as long as i dont have to depend on anyone to support me.. like some stupid guy. that is enough for me.

but. i definitely recognise that soem engineers, computer, science people really too do have a passion for what they're doing.. im just talking aout things from the liberal arts side.

and yes zhen... unfortunately there are just so many one-dimensional views. but whatever. just get on with doing what we love (:

there's just been so much going on in the world.. ANOTHER military coup this time in fiji?! the Russian spy poisoning incident still dragging on... the US marine sentenced for raping a filipino... typhoon DURIAN in vietnam.. they really know how to name them.. and all these.. seem to have linkage to me.. either in what im doing.. what im interested in.. or what im studying somehow.. there's just so so much unrest isnt there.. hmmm... speculation.

--------------------------------

i have solved the mystery of the annoying phonecall. i told my roommate and she said it's her ex-roommate from last year's mother whom she had not met since she was 2 until she was 18 because of a court restraining order... and she didnt want to talk to her or see her.. and her mum still calls here even though she's told her she's moved away.. coz her mum is mentally ill. sigh. i think these situations.. are really common here.. i think im a pretty quiet person.. other than when im behaving like a fool amongst close friends.. and here i listen... NOT purposely.. to things around me.. and u hear conversations about hatred for stupid mother boyfriends... things like that.. and things i saw over thanksgiving.. it's like the america on tv.. has intruded into my life.. i have no opinions on this.. just an observation.

-------------------------------

on another note. im damn screwed for exams. damn damn screwed. i think my friends know how damn extremely last-minute heckcare study person i am.. and unfortunately things are really really bad this time. sigh. im really dead it's really.. not even funny... im not going to post again.. until i get my life back in order.. which might be in a month. must. refrain. from. talking. sigh. self punishment!!!! which i will prob break. sigh. there's just to much going on in the world.. to not talk about.

PS: hey SHEEP if u read this.. check out the third light blue box in the article and leave me a msg to let me know u saw it :D

today when i was in econ class (this is the first and last one ever. it's kinda interesting.. but i think for me boring to a much greater extent) and the professor said something which made me quite annoyed.. he said dont study fluff in university and take easy classes like social engineering classes, take the hard, tough stuff like science engineering which actually train you. the fluff u can do some other time throughout life. sigh. i think that's not true at all. i know a lot of people studying science.. esp now in university level think that arts people have it easy, and they are the ones studying solid stuff. so that u can get a good decent job next time even if no one really voices it. but.. it really is complete rubbish. arts too enriches you and make you think in ways science cant. they both have their pros and cons and it's really up to one's preference

in america they have this thing called ROTC which is essentially these guys.. or girls who want to join the military and they join this program in universities across america.. instead of going to a military college they get a degree here but train on the side as a cadet to become an officer. im taking this history class on war, military societies and institutions before 1815 and there are many ROTC people in my class.. you kinda recognise them coz sometimes they wear uniforms.. or carry a bag that says army.. or have that typical american army haircut.. crewcut? i think. but the thing which i dont know sometimes makes me kinda sad is to see him walking around carrying their army bags, sporting a crewcut, obvious signs of their involvment in the military and even deployable to iraq anytime, and yet they're wearing typical college get-up.. jeans.. tshirt.. jacket.. whatever.. and they look so young.. and cleancut.. and just so youthful.. and kinda innocent. and it makes me sad to think that there are so many like that in iraq.. and to think of the direction they're heading and all that possibly lies ahead. sometimes it makes me wonder why the heck they'd want to get involved in this.. at a time where support for the war is declining so much. i dont know what their reasons are, or what they see, and it's quite ironic for me to think this way.. but situations are inconparable. sigh. i dont know. just find it slightly.. sad.

last thing. i used to be one of those people who typically said crap about the singapore education system, how it's so one-dimensional, doesnt create thinking students, only know how to mug and memorise... mug and memorise, it seems to be a system that generates only 'workers', not thinkers, not entrepreneurs and honestly to quite a large extent i think that is still very true. HOWEVER. that cannot be a generalisation. there have been many successful singaporeans who have kinda broken out of that mould and created.. whatever it is. and i believe as in other parts of the world.. there are many. many intelligent singaporeans and i dont mean just by paper or whatever, but the.. stimulation of the mind.. and heart.. however u explain that. what annoys me (yes i get annoyed quite a bit. sigh.) is when people insult the singaporean education... esp if you're overseas studying. it's kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. if not for the rigorous shit that the tough education drilled into us.. we wont really be where we were today academically. and what you want ot take out of school besides studies is up to you, you really can take a lot more even though singapore seems so... limited. sure there are limitations coz the system is so strict.. but so what. it just provides more challenge to you to do so. i think it offers its own benefits too definitely. the point is.. o man i think im starting to sound so damn pro government whatever crap. but i mean that's just what i think. just dont insult outright without thinking twice.

hmmm..i think that last paragraph.. kinda shows how much my attitude towards singapore has changed.. i would like to think of it as hopefully.. maturity.. instead of brainwash. coz no one brainwashes me. or i will.. take care of u. grr. coming here.. has been interesting.. challenging.. enriching. but it has also made me realise how great home is. singapore will always be home. i dont understand why people would want to migrate and become a second class citizen. i hope i wont be eating my words when i come back eventually (:

since i moved in here when im in the room alone sometimes there'll be these weird calls any time.. afternoon.. 3 am.. whatever it is.. like once in a few days.. depends.. a few times a week at least.. can be more than once a day too.. and when i pick up and say hello it's complete silence at the end. totally pissed me off coz after that the person would call again and the same thing would happen.

i thought it was my room mate's mum at first and she didnt say anything coz she cant speak english and she knows im no korean. but my room mate said no. and so it continued

tonight it happened again. i was super damn lazy to get down and pick it up so i let it ring.. and u know sometimes i do this and this idiot on the other line lets the phone continue ringing for SUPER DAMN LONG. so annoying.. so so annoying. so anyways the call stopped. 1 min later rang again i picked it up.. 'hello' no body. pissed. 1 min later rang again. same thing. damn irritated coz it's been SO MANY TIMES. then it rang again. so this time i picked up remained silent. after some time the person on the other end said hello. so i said hello who u looking for. she asked me who i am i said who u're looking for.. then she gave some unheard of name.. then i said i have no idea who u're talking about.. she asked me..

is this the U of I?
i said yes.
then she went on a tirade.. about how long she's been trying to find her daughter and call so many numbers but the university still cannot give her.. and she went on and on and on.. do u know blah blah blah do u know blah blah blah like it was any of my business. these things i can tolerate if it's a concerned longwinded mother i might actually feel sorry for her. but this IDIOT was drunk i think. and she was like this univerisity is F-ing dunno what blah blah blah like it was anything to do with me.

HERE she has been calling and disturbing for dunno how damn long and suddenly she unleashes this drunken tirade of F words on me about her bullshit?!?! and the worst thing which pisses me off is I DIDNT SLAM THE PHONE DOWN IN HER FACE. instead i held the receiver and just listened to her bullshit. i dont know why. and at the end of it all i still asked her do u wnat a number to call where u can find out more info and i actually searched online for her. and that was even after i told her that im just a student. like why the hell u telling me this BULLSHIT. but of course i didnt say that. so i actually gave her the number. and then she just put down the phone.

WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so pissed off at her and myself.. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

i really.. really dislike it when people are drunk.. i HATE the f word with a vengeance. i hate it. and u combine the two together and use it on me when it's nothign to do with me!!

IDIOT.

this morning when i woke up and was dilly dallying as usually.. comtemplating whether i should go to class coz i havent finished writing a paper.. and i heard someone scream oh my God. and i just instinctively drew the curtain.. and saw this..




white. hmm. o shit it's snow.

i've never seen or experienced it before obviously.. i am extremely stoic and dont understand why people have create such a big hoo-ha over it. but.. it was quite cool. was a bit of a mini-blizzard i think... rather.. exciting. hahaa

this is what it was like a few hours later


1 december. i just realised yesterday it was the last month of the year.. and today was thinking.. how this year has passed so extremely fast.. the last few years have been crazy for reasons.. but this year has been... prob the most dynamic year of my life ever.. both negative.. positive.. everything.. just so much has happened. i would never have imagined this.

you know how life kinda.. breaks up into parts in a sense.. i think this year represented that break.. i feel like such a kid still.. but i think there's no way i can be a kid anymore in some sense.. there's just a lot more.. things i need to be responsible for.
being away from home so much coz of army.. and now studies.. making an effort to keep-up friendships.. it isnt so easy when u dont face each other in school everyday.. accepting more responsibilities.. towards my career.. prob family too.. and esp myself.. feeling so much failure and helplessness.. and yet.. sometimes savoring.. (hmm. my spelling has become american) the fruits of my labor. hahaaa.. learning a lot more about people.. the good.. the bad.. both sometimes undistinguishable.. getting my first own bank account.. debit card.. shua-ing and shua-ing it.. if u think im suaku i dont give a shit.. facing the.. perils of being alone.. and having to be responsible for my own daily life.. everything. i think that's something ive struggled with a bit due to certain circumstances even though i know that independence is er.. one of my traits -_- but.. the journey of discovery has been tough but... pretty cool.. just basically.. accepting and taking more responsibility.. much more than before.. for everything. i dont know how to explain it.

it suddenly surfaced in my mind that a few years down the road i would look back and think.. o please. that change was nothing, coz so many more things would have taken place.. but no. i think.. and i am going to make this be.. that transition for me.

1 dec 2006. what an appropriate day

i surf msn for news and stuff everyday.. and i came across this article.. on the top 10 worst sports uniforms.. and i was thought that was kinda interesting.. so i clicked on it and saw

"Like it or not, we live in a superficial world. How you look and how you dress is taken as a representation of your self.".. yada yada..

hmmmm... interesting...

so i continue reading on.. anxious to see how ugly these uniforms are.. and then i see..

10. Newcastle United FC (home)
Jersey lifespan: 1894-present

The creator of the Newcastle United jersey didn't have a very colorful imagination; his gray thinking turned out a uniform that alternates between thick black and white stripes.

It's unclear whether he was inspired by the outfits of early 1900s jailbirds, hockey and football referees, or simply zebras. Whatever the case, none of these are really prime images to be affiliated with.


WHAT THE HECKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRAZY OR WHATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. o my goodness. this guy who wrote the article is a plain IDIOT. how the hell can it be UGLY?!?! it's not biasness or anything but i seriously think the black and white is damn cool. this is called classic, and it's more than a design.. it's come to be a kinda symbol of the immense passion that is the football of newcastle. and THIS IDIOT COMES ALONG WITH SOME STUPID JAILBIRD INTERPRETATION?!?!?!!

BLIND. damn bad taste.

i mean.. u're calling THIS ugly?!?!













OR THIS?!?!

















AND THE WORST THING IS... you're calling THISSSSS UGLY!?!?!

























grrrr... what a blind doofus.