there're just too many things on my mind now that i prob wont remember all of them. we'll see what comes to mind in random order.
(1) in regards to my previous post... i was gonna write out the extremely offending insulting and humiliating customs officer who 'let me through' at the chicago airport... and the bad airplane service onboard united airways to chicago where the stewardesses spoke to me as if i was some dumb asian kid who didnt know their english language. but... after complaining to danielle and hazel and talking to one of my american friends, i think ive cooled, and it's just completely unnecessary to repeat such stupid, insignificant and ignorant incidents.. well all right. so maybe i havent cooled down that much.
ive always been interested in international exchanges.. and diffierent cultures and interactions.. which is why i seized opportunities to attend international guiding camps and host an australian guide when she came to singapore.. and always wanted to study overseas. in a sense i guess i was rather idealistic about things. and in recent years i have become increasing cynical and withdrawn, which are not traits that will aid my aforementioned interest. and after coming to the states.. personally ive realised that sometimes it really isnt that easy. for me that is.
(Note: my roommate just came back and she told me her sister just got plastic surgery done in korea.. and it's so common that there're more people who have than it than people who havent.. hmmm.. i guess it's pretty cool that u just learn more about the world from your roommate.. more on her later)
i guess one gripe i have with staying overseas is i dont like to be treated as a second-class citizen. i know that i am quite a self-conscious and sensitive person... so maybe that does make things worse. and maybe i think too much. but i definitely dont think im overthinking things. maybe i just feel more of a sense of... justice. the fact is i am an international student studying in another country... and not everyone wants to admit it but i know that that's the first thing people think when they look at you/know.. one thing the customs officer said was why are u studying overseas not locally, and at that point i did think yea.. why. why am i studying in a land where i am sometime stereotyped and misunderstood, and essentially dont belong than studying at home where everything and everyone i love is.
but i guess. i cant generalise everything like that. there's no way everyone is the same. and there are definitely really nice and great people. i guess if anything, what im uncomfortable with at times is just gonna develop some resilience and character... and what i'll remember and appreciate the most are the positive experiences. one thing for sure is i've definitely become much more interested in asia and our culture after coming overseas... i find it really sad that people in asia.. well.. a lot of people.. look towards the west.. for whatever it is.. i just really have a lot more pride and interest in my heritage. after the airport incident, i was thinking why.. why would they send me here to study.. when nus is such a damn good uni? but i mean now after having given it a day or two.. maybe.. maybe it's to grow up.. mature as a person.. and just understand different things.. and be enriched overall. it's more than having fun (i dont know how to anymore sometimes. sigh.).. or travelling.. or doing well.. i was extremely demoralised when whining to hazel on skype for 2 hours yesterday.. but now i feel better. in the 2 days since school has began ive again met really great open-minded people. very very cool.
(2)my room-mate's korean and we're complete opposites. she's studied for very long in nz and the states so she's just really americanised now. but for some weird reason we get on really quite well. i think if i wasnt so.. well.. unmovable she might seem like a 'bad influence' in certain ways.. but not at all... sometimes i really do bemoan the lack of privacy... but i guess it's all part of the process and yea.. i think she's actually a really great person somewhere inside.
(3) i didnt do well last sem. and my sponsors sent me an email of 'concern'. judging by how things were going last sem.. i knew i was in for it. i came late and chose classes so hurriedly without even knowing what was going on, took some pretty hard ones and some which i didnt need. and during the sem.. i missed many...many lessons.. did all my papers the night before.. studied the day itself.. etc.. i started off on a bad note.. and things still took a turn for the worse. it's not surprising what i got, in fact i might even be grateful if i were not so disappointed in myself. i know what i have to do, what obligations i have, and yet i let my personal life get in the way of what i need to do. i just feel so bad towards people who have faith in me.. and i guess worse of all i feel like ive let myself down... again. i could go on bemoaning the tough classes, the immense pressure that 'scholars' here inflict with their interest in studying. im not being sarcastic. i mean everyone has different interests and honestly i accept and respect that. but it's just my fault and nobody else's. i just feel like im a disappointment to.. some people. but i guess.. it's all part of a lesson i need to learn isnt it? right now i really have to do DAMN well for all my remaining sems to pull up my grades.. there's a lot of pressure, i have a lot to worry about... but hopefully ill find my way as i go along.
i think ive always been pretty lucky. i was some sort of a guai kia in primary school and i did well. in secondary school i started to really deteoriate.. really lastlastlast minute chionging just killed me off but it always pulled me through.. same in jc. just ask my friends. it got worse. but i still made it. and sometimes some part of me believes that God is just really helping me along here.. for some reason. some plan. because for the absolute nothing that i do for school until the one sleepless night before.. i dont deserve shit. i dont know. i guess this sem is just really a lesson. no longer do i only have to answer to myself, but am responsible towards so many people. by hook or by crook i have to get myself out of this. classes this sem i picked extremely carefully.. they're pretty cool. yesterday i had a chinese cinema class and we watched initial d the original canto version.. hahaa. great. i guess one thing great about studying in the US are the really great variety of classes, professors.
(Note: i just came back from a class which was in my hall... the professor was rajmohan gandhi who is mahatma gandhi's grandson. he's a visiting prof here and very involved kinda in continuing gandhi's legacy. it's this class on comparative politics in developing nations and he was talking about the US. he said something which i thought was very interesting - nations come about because of the links of the same blood and soil. however the US is founded on the basis of not so much blood and soil but a nation of the same values because their people come from all over the world. and that's why americans sometimes find i difficult to understand what's wrong with the invasion of another nation. for example the israeli and palestinian conflict. the americans support the invasion of israel into palestine as one democracy invading another undemocratic country kinda for the 'good of the world'. however, palestinians feel that the land is theirs by birth, and shouldnt be occupied by other people. i just feel that this explains a lot of things)
(4) im bleeding like nobody's business. the weather is very dry and i had a bleeding nose for the entire stretch of last semester and it's started again. my hands which are already so rough and cracked in the first place are much worse now. yesterday and today, if not for the stains on my jeans and jackets i wont even have realised they were bleeding. sigh. anyone have any remedy? am. losing. blood.
(5) i guess one thing studying in the states has really emphasized for me is that there really is no place like home. i appreciate everything back home so much more. and i can honestly say that i love my country and the people. all this kiasuism.. kiaseeism.. yea it can piss you off.. but it doesnt take anything away from what a great place home is. if there wasnt anything like this. there wont be anything to laugh at would there. i've also realised that it really takes effort to keep friendships going.. which i try to put in. i think really the best friends you could have made are from sec school.. jc.. i know things change. but hopefully some things will stay more or less the same
(6) there is something wrong with me. i dont know how i survived my appointment sometimes. i used to well.. be in charge of many things.. and felt extremely comfortable in expressing myself or doing things.. and addressing crowds. but not anymore. my confidence has seeped away so much it's just absolutely disgusting and distressing. when i held my appointment.. somehow it was slightly better.. and got better over time. i dont know how people can describe as a calm when im really dying away inside. my heart is pounding so. so hard. im trembling like crazy. and even more so here. when i have lessons.. like my language lessons.. and when we need to speak in class.. even just say your name and major. it is so so so difficult for me. i dont know why. it just really really sucks. i have to be so careful not to give away my trembling. i remember in vj during pw.. my classmates witnessed my breakdown for a while. it was terrible. im terrified.. terrified of the presentations i have to make.. of speaking again.. but i need to do it. i need to get over this and over myself.. i need it so damn much for my career... sigh. i need all my confidence back.
--------------------------
i wanted to say more about... the organisation but i think i'll leave it to the next post.. summarize what 2006 has really meant.. what a year. i was reading some of my previous posts.. and the first thing that came to mind was im so ashamed of myself. i feel like i cant write well, im much more childish than i think, and... i dont know. sigh. but we'll see.. we'll see how things go...
2 comments:
hey yeah you know, i agree with your part about spore. i'm taking this sort of pol science module about singapore, and then today we were discussing about sporeans leaving the country.. to a large extent i dont know what to think about it. i guess i dont really care, and people can say all they want about being "materialistic" in spore, but it's still where i feel the safest and everything so yeah i like it here. somehow i think it's like one of the "in" things to be part of opposition, i mean if you want opposition it's okay but you have to have a reason to be unhappy, other than "sporeans are so petty, they have horrid fines and 'no freedom'" whatever THAT means. haha!
hm in response to why people leave Singapore to study abroad: I think it's because sometimes you just know in your heart that it's something you have to do. And you can attribute it to God's will for you or some fortuitous serendipity or whatever you choose to believe, but I think deep down you know it's something you need to do otherwise you'll regret it all your life. At least that's how I feel about it.
And in response to disappointing people: to be honest, I think you disappoint people more when you don't believe in yourself when people obviously believe in you. Have a little faith! (Ok I know it's easier said than done, but there's nothing but yourself stopping you from being the best you can be) Sorry if it sounds a little harsh :/ But yeah, friends only want the best for you!
Take care of yourself alright, and keep warm!
p/s. I agree, relationships beyond anything platonic are remarkably ridiculous when you consider the immense amount of effort required just to sort things out and if I could, I'd rather not deal with them as well. But ohwell. Haha. If and when we're cranky old ladies who live with 10 cats, we can at least laugh with each other. Hurhur.
Post a Comment