wah lao! someone on my msn list has the nic singaporean girls are sian.

... firstly i hate generalisations.. and secondly that is just a load of crap. i feel so indignant for all my friends who have great personalities. so stop being a narrow-minded loser.
thank you. just had to get that out. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

and.. there were things i wanted to say.. some sentimental stuff about singapore.. which i totally forgot.. so.. yea. another time. hmm. got a MILLION things on my mind now... arghhhh no time no time no time!!!!!!!!! someone asked me how ready am i on a scale of 1-10 to leave.. and i told him 0. im off the scale. :(

i was reading the damage done until like 5 am yesterday... and it just got really really depressing... finished it today.

it just made me doubt so many things.. and wonder about so many things.. the world really just appears to be such a terrible place just full of so much evil.. as well.. simplistic as that sounds.. it's true..

and.. there must be something better right? something better than all the hate/anger/torture/evil that this world has to offer. there has to be something better... and i think we'll find out soon.

so.. got this from sarah's blog.. who got it from dan nee elle. basically you just put your library.. of in this case my mp3 player.. in shuffle mode.. and answer the questions in the order of the songs that come up.. pretty interesting results..

1.What's my mood like right now?
OCEAN DEEP - cliff richard

I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls
The pretty girls go sailin' by

Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
solitary room

Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

im so lonely, lonely, lonely (ocean deep)
on my own in my room

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
UNCHAINED MELODY - righteous brothers
haha.. i dont think so man.

3. What kind of person am I?
MORE THAN WORDS - mr big
i am a person of few words.. much of the time.. but.. that doesnt mean there's nothing more

4. Am I loved?
DARE YOU TO MOVE - switchfoot

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOURED THING
haha.. in so so many ways.. i think u really need that in whatever u do.. or whatever relationships you have. not talking about bgr.

6. What should I do with my life?
MAN IN THE MIRROR - michael jackson

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

m starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
CANTO ALLA VITA - josh groban/the corrs
(SONG TO THE LIFE)

Dedicated to the one who guilty or innocent
Lost in this sea
Yielded to the stream
Who didn't ever be a winner

Dedicated to the one always keeping a hope
In front of a sorrow
In the cold of a room

Dedicated to the one searching his own freedom
I sing to life
To all its beauty
To every wound of it
To every caresse of it

I sing to life
To it's tragic beauty
To pain and to strife
Let all that dance through me
The rise and the fall
I lived through it all

Dedicated to the one who always made it dry
Like possessed, slipped through fingers
It was always already over

I sing to life
Reflected into your eyes
Easy and endless
Promised land for us

I sing to life
Sweet and even fierce
To this journey of ours
Which still puts us in chains
It calls us...

8. What is my best quality?
BOSTON - augustana

9. How does my sex life look?
SUPREME - robbie williams
hahaa. NA man.

10. What's the meaning of life?
MYSTERY TRAIN - bon jovi

11. What do people think of me?
WE'VE GOT IT GOING ON - bsb
hurhurr.. i dont really think so..

12. Would I make a good catch?
THE DISTANCE - bon jovi
mmm.. maybe after a very very long time.. if someone would still bother

13. How crazy am I?
I'LL GIVE IT ALL

14. Will I have a good life in general?
JESUS, YOU ALONE - paul Oakley and tim hughes

15. Can (insert YOUR name here) ever really love me?
HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US - sarah sadler

16. Can me and (insert YOUR name here) ever be more than friends?
MORE THAN THAT - bsb
that's nice. unfortunately no one in mind.
on second thought.. fortunately.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
THERE'S A HERO - billy gilman
(:

18. Where will I be a year from now?
SHE'S SO HIGH - kurt nilsen
I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!

19. What is my biggest wish?
GREASED LIGHTNING - grease
apparently i'll develop a massive love for automobiles. and grease.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
FREEDOM - george michael
definitely not in NS. hopefully older.. not younger. ha.

21. How will I die?
SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY - bsb
):

22. What will happen after I die?
CAPTAIN CRASH AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM MARS - bon jovi

23. How do my friends feel about me?
FOREVER - chris tomlin


all in all.. quite accurate.. weirdly so.. and.. esp with the christian songs.. quite wow. really.
supreme. hurhurhurrrrrr.

so.. we had the award ceremony today.. mmm.. sigh. no comments..
but i did get my sword.. (:
i never would have envisioned this at the start of bmt..


thanks to leon...



thanks to wanling..




to wanling.. van.. jinping.. i think i probably felt this more a couple of months back when we found out our results.. but im just glad we made it together.. (:

i believe that the people we meet in our lives... it's all for a purpose.. and today.. just proved that completely.

i am so grateful.. but yet.. really feel like.. i have let _______________ and many many people down.. but today.. it gave me a definite motivation.. inspiration... (:

even though we're going very different ways.. and leading very different lines.. thank you. really. (:

anyways i bought this book from kinokuniya that day.. called.. the damage i think or something like that.. it's about this australian guy called warren fellows i think (too lazy to find the book) who got caught traficking (how the heck do u spell this word!) tra-fic-king.. should be correct right.. anyways yea drugs into thailand and got put in prison for 12 years.. and it's about all the HELL he went through there.. and i've been reading and it's really like hell in hell man.

there was something in the prologue about one of the worst things that happened there.. and i cant do justice to his experience so i'll just describe it briefly. apparently they were in their cells at night when they heard these damn hellish screams from am frenchman in a cell nearby and it continued for extremely long.. finally he and some other englishman begged a guard to let them into his cell and when they got there they saw the frenchman was just like.. completely zoned out and still screaming like hell and below his ear there was a HUGE lump. and so they held him down, the englishman used a razor to cut his skin and out spilled a whole load of worms.. maggots.. etc.. apparently a cockroach had crawled into his ear and laid eggs down there... mmmmmmm...

i told my bro and he said something like that happened when he went to brunei for an exercise too. a cockroach crawled into his friend's ear when he was sleeping and his friend just spent the whole time screaming like nobody's business.. apparently he could hear all the ssssssss sounds and what have you.. so they went to the doc and the doc drowned the cockroach first and then inserted a scissors inside to cut it into half so he could take it out... and his ear was bleeding like crap for a very long time.

crap man. i hope that never happens to me when i go outfield. there was one night in service term when i was sleeping.. damn tired as always.. and suddenly i felt this pain in my ear.. and i woke up in like a semi conscious state and i could feel whatever was inside. it was either a huge mosquito or fly.. and hear all the zzzzzzzzzzz-ing sounds.. crap man. then i was like o ok.. and thank goodness my sbo was beside me.. took out the pincer thing from my jackknife and stuck it into my ear and pulled whatever it was out.. and then went back to sleep.. after that i thought maybe it was a dream.. but im absolutely sure it was not.. mmm.. ok man. i shall go and do some investigation on earplugs or something.

sooo.. tmr's the ceremony. and im dreading it.. honestly.. i really really hate taking pictures.. and tmr is gonna be cheese cheese cheese non stop. sigh. im terrible. im supposed to be honoured. and excited. and i am. but im dreading it horribly too..

so wow im shocked huiluan! hahaa i still think of u occasionally i didnt know u still came here.. (: honestly u made bmt that much more.. survivable. hahaa really. i still remember talking with you and all.. it's great. and of course ur guy craziness is just simply hilarious.. all the best to u man.. in smu and whatever direction in life u choose.. (:

and yes sarah shi kin kin. i miss you too...

my sister is sec 1 now.. back then she was trying to feed a biscuit to her bear...
believe it or not.. my dad still looks the same...

this is really just the most heartbreaking picture on earth.. :'(

i really hope im not being irresponsible towards them.. for selecting this path..

i guess it's amazing how words can somehow make anything sound so beautiful.. so motivating.. so inspirational.. so moving.. when essentially.. it is built on a foundation of self centeredness.. and a whole load of air.

and it's amazing too how words can make something so... sad.. with real feeling sound like nothing more than childish angst.

the former makes me really really really angry. sometimes i doubt whether im wrong.. but deep down i believe that i am not. it's just that the world sees things on such a surfacial value.. and the former always comes in victorious.. yea even in the midst of all this empty pain.

i dont know why i let things like that affect me. but it just pisses me off so damn much when.. the real things that should be recognised are not. i know the people around me.. who are just great in their own right.. and the small things they do everyday.. are just so much more than a whole load of empty ****.

but i guess that's supposed to be the beauty of things right. i just hate how it annoys me so much. stupid things. really stupid things.

decided to change my layout... just tired of the old one.. wanted something.. seemingly more peaceful.. happier.. white-ish.. instead of black black black.. but i guess that didnt work out.. at least.. here's a picture of happier.. happier days.. probably the happiest days of my life.. sigh. too bad i was too young.. and childish back then to truely appreciate it.. or maybe that's what made it so great..

put up the chatterbox thing again too.. i dont know who still comes here.. but when i go overseas.. like.. a form of communication i can still have with people here.. hopefully..

anyway.. it suddenly.. got me thinking again.. just suddenly.. i remember watching that show on tv that day.. and she went online and did the test.. and it confirmed it for her.. and i just did it.. and it definitely is true..

everyday.. everyday for the past few years.. i've kept killing myself over it.. but in a way have become so so numb.. so while i keep putting myself down you know.. just accept it.. coz it's so normal.. so common.. but it's affected.. every every aspect of my life.. and so many things which i have thought normal all this while.. are really just not normal at all.. and i guess i suddenly thought of that just now.. and admitted to myself.. almost like started crying or something. i think i am crazy man.. but no i am not.. just merely.. ____________ ..

it was kinda like a revelation.. and i really dont know.. how to get over.. this..

especially now that im leaving soon.. sigh. i really dont know man. i never believed that it was really a _________ thing.. but suddenly.. i think it might be true.. sigh. i really really really dont know what to do.... there're so so many things i'm dreading in the next two weeks.. i dunno man.

i dunno how to make things the same again.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

- changes. david bowie

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-------------------------------------------(
:'(

grass! grass! grass!

hahaaa. Anyways..

sigh. sometimes.. when i talk bout it and all.. i feel so convinced.. and other times.. i just think.. what the heck have i done. hahaa.. certain moments.. i mean.. it's normal right.. it wont take away any dedication.. but it's normal right...

sigh. i wish that i didnt... _____ __ ________ then i could say that.. i was really really enjoying whatever now man.. coz today was kinda fun.. but then on the other hand... u know.. there really will never be a ____ ..

and.. i really hope singapore doesnt... offer.. well.. incentives.. based on race or whatever it is.. meritocracy.. hahaa.. in a very practical sense it is practised.. but.. after this period of time and results and stuff.. i realised once again.. there're so many things which are just so bullshit... so so bullshit.. but it's just the world! and reality is as so.. and.. as long as we're happy with what we're doing. right?

right. good. (: