.

feel so stupid.

guess that's the theme for the past year. and especially today.

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just typed that a couple of hours ago. and. i feel differently now.
the rise and fall.. of a teenager's mood. yes. teenager. still. good.
im glad whatever happened did.

i want to say something about.. religion.
over the course of the past year... there've been long periods of stagnation. and then one sudden, sudden moving moment. which then fades away... as quickly as it appeared.
but still... it seems to be the only place i can find.. perfect sanctuary in.

some people go to church because they like the songs...
is that really part of believing?
over the year... i have developed many opinions and interest.. in many areas. essentially world affairs. but which are just very much human. it's kinda like our constructions. the initial spark is amazing. the gain of knowledge always is. but it just leaves you really kinda.. dry and empty after. coz you never get a satisfactory answer. to satisfy your anger. or sadness.
the same thing applies to just... other things in life.
i remember someone said before... at the end of the day when you go back to your room.. lie on your bed.. stare at the ceiling.. you feel nothing. emptiness.

someone told me a few weeks ago that person felt religion was a kinda social construction. person believed that probably. there was some higher power. but.. different religions were just something that developed along with society and culture.
and i admit that has been something ive thought about a lot.
it made me wonder if id strayed.
or was just completely lost.
i did begin to think.. whether this logic was right. when you look at the many, many denominations, different ways of practice, some of the 'leaders of the church' themselves behaving NOTHING like how christians should behave... there're just so many things. and at the end of the day, i think there'll always be a part of me that is a doubting thomas.

today has been a tiring day in so so many ways. i have so much to do... i cant even fathom. anything. and then... there was that. i came back. drained. but after a while.. i was refreshed. ive been listening to songs.. and thinking about this for a few hours now.. and im not sure what to conclude still really.

i really feel that there is no other place i can seem to find peace and sanctuary... other than time with God. but i wondered whether this was just an escape. and nothing more. an excuse of sorts.

"So if you’re waitin' for love
Well, it’s a promise I'll keep
If you don’t mind believing that it changes everything
Time will never matter..."