jealous kind

i built another temple to a stranger
i gave away my heart to the rushing wind
i set my course to run right into danger
i sought the company of fools instead of friends

you know i've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
i chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
i'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover i don't understand
'cause i don't understand

love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if i should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride

love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

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im so grateful mel lent me the jars of clay cd... what's it called again.. er...
o yeah who we are instead. i really... really like their songs and everything rings so true... im not very into music. and in fact it pisses me off at times. but if there's a cd to get. it's that.

i feel like typing a really really long post on any shit i want to say but yet i dont feel like coz im in an extremely uncomfortable position. yes im even talking about insignificant minute dumb details like this. coz i just want to type. i want to see whether at the end of this all... i can kinda see the 'big picture'. or whatever deep shit im trying to see. but seeing that i just used the phrase deep shit. i dont think im gonna get very far here. i dont care. my fingers are just gonna move. move move move. and im gonna change the filter to become more permeable. yeah man. semi permeable is out!

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first thing that comes to mind... is God. i really... dislike. talking about this issue... coz it's such a touchy sensitive subject. something so straightforward has just produced a crapload of grey areas coz we as humans mess up so many things because of our own selfish thoughts and needs.

but the honest truth is i think ive fallen away damn freaking far. and a long time ago. crappppppppp hahaaa... im starting to think i shouldnt go on anymore... but... IT"S OK. i wont say too much. sigh. dont worry wl. this is ok... ahhhhhh... inner voice speaking man. but anyways. yeah. so much so that... ive just become so consumed with my own stupid selfish rocky life... yes occassionally i wonder. in the states... there've been times when i was really. really in need... and... something. i dont know if it's God. but something which happened for a while... just vanished. disappeared. as fast as it came. shit i could go on and on... but ok man. i shall put my fantastic summarizing and filtering skills to work. woohoo.

the truth is... i think i really dont know how to believe. and i have no faith. that was difficult to type. but i really think i have no faith. since coming back to sg... esp of recent. there've been a number of people who just... suddenly... out of the blue started talking to me about this... and it all started in camp. i dont know why. maybe i have some unGodly glow about me. hahaa. and damn. that would suck bad.

im damn cynical about churches i think. because. im totally disappointed in the behavior of people and prob myself. some idiot to call myself a christian. and... it's just difficult to progress from there. i dont know how to elaborate further. there're so many things which... i feel like i see it another way. and i dont know whether it's because of all these unGodly characteristics building up within. is it? i know i will never be able to jump up and down and raise my hands in praise... i think. i know that im freaking passive. there're so many characteristics of a strong christian that... bewilder me. and i can never be.

yesterday was an off day in camp. and i went back. and a friend there was talking to me about this... and... i dont know. things like that mean a lot to me... im not gonna elaborate further. hahaa suddenly im at a loss of words. there's so much more to say. but i dont really know what to type anymore.

there's been something ive been thinking about... and i think there've been signs. but my selfish.. human longings and needs is putting it away. i think. i dont know. sigh. i think that song kinda describes what i feel... but. difference being i think i have no heart to give away. dammit.

ill always remember something my dad said. that... things will be very different when you really believe. your life will take a 180 degrees change. your perspective will change. and all the small, minute insignificant details of life... all these disgusting things that humans do... they wont matter anymore. i think i still believe that's true. and if it is. i cannot... cannot wait for it to happen. but i dont know how.

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i dont know whether im going to be able to go on talking about something else after that. but i shall try. this one even more sensitive. hahahaaa but in a different way. so... heh. chopchop.

my 10 (and more) working weeks have been... very very very interesting... ok suddenly i dont know what more to say. by right. my life since last jan... has gone through a lot of change... well of a different kind... i think. and there should be a shitload of things to talk about. to blog about. but i just refuse to. refuse refuse refuse. for reasons. but... let's see... ive learnt a lot. during the past 2 1/2 months. wow. that's it. i just cant say anymore. all the good and bad. it's just too personal. but i will say... that i love what i do. it scares the shit out of me for some reasons... but i really... really hope i can ________ people here... i really hope i can do something.

the people ive met... i think i put a lot of emotions into everything i do... am very guided by that... dont know if its good or bad.. but im just gonna be myself and do and think the way i feel is right. im sick of people telling me i should be this way and that... im not gonna listen to anymore of this bullshit.

hahaa this was huge to me... but wow. that's it. i cant say anything more coz it means too much.

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my time in the states seems so far away. so long ago. that honestly i cant remember much about it. and it's difficult to talk about. so i guess we'll leave it at that.

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i love singapore.
like. really. this country holds so many memories and all man.
watching ndp... ok im not very into the 'show' stuff cept the cute starfish which were flapping their arms about... quite interestingly... and the i dont know... the seahorse guy... or sealion... o right. lionfish or something. wah lao if i were his parents i would be freaking proud of my son. apart from the slightly scary outfit and makeup.

there's really no other place i want to me. it reall really bewilders me how people can go overseas... and not want to come home? but i guess to each his/her own.

on an unrelated note. if you really want to make a difference. you can do it in everyday life. to the people around you. or in ways which even though are not necessarily seen, you know, that you're making a difference. you know... pictures of all these ________ ________. i'll always feel its an exploitation. but people exploit it further ourselves. for our own good. and it sickens me even more.

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you know sometimes the loneliness gets to you.

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i think i had a lot more to say. but i dont care. basically just gonna say that... i really... really (insert four letter l word which i just cant say/type) and appreciate every single one of my friends... and every single second spent together in this increasing humid island...

you're not judged. the only one judging you is yourself.

so thanks guys/girls. im not expressive at all but it all means a shitload to me. any small meeting...

i hate myself for being an ass. at times. when i dont meet up or whatever. but... i dont not coz i cant be bothered. but there are reasons. but ive been trying to be less of an ass... and i hope its been working out.

i think i've let people down... a lot... coz the truth of the matter is that im a coward. and i really. really apologise...

i'll really miss all of you when i go back...

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i want a one week break from the world from whatever freaking bullshit.
i think a lot of people would appreciate that.
a pity it's impossible.

and suddenly i just feel so _______.
shit man. shit.