0302

what's wrong with me.

im supposed to reading a damn long article on anti-semitism and taking down notes
or going pit pat pit pat like hell.
and all i can do is think about the army and my buddies i miss
and listen to weird songs like xin bu liao qing.
wl... you have to stop being such an ass.

sometimes when i browse back to the shit i wrote in the past
i feel like giving myself a 1x good slap for being such an immature childish fool.
but then i guess things haven changed.
sometimes i walk alone..
taking in all the sights...
and think how 'far' ive come in life.. never for the life of me would i have expected
on the first freaking day i stepped into vj. the first time i'd seen so many guys in my life
and that scared the shit out of me
that i'd be doing what i am today.
and boy did i have people betting against me even going anywhere.
xin bu liao qing has to stop for a while. i cant multi task right now.

sigh. i realised that my blog suddenly comes to a halt for the long period of time i was in service.
there're so many things i want to say
so many people i want to see again whom i really miss
so many people i hope who are doing well...
but here i am stuck in my room listening to xin bu liao qing and typing this shit.
which is really really crap coz i dont know what im saying.
all i know is that im trying to fill up the time between deciding whether i should take a nap...
or read bout anti-semitism.
...
actually im lying to myself. it's whether i should take a nap or listen to more xin bu liao qing.
...
MAN! get a grip please.

my mind isnt here. it keeps drifting back to the a--y. why. why why why.
i wish i didnt think so much.
it kills me.
and it's a damn horrific murder.

my 0302 sect mates... i miss u guys so much all of a sudden.
i hate it. absolutely hate it sometimes when ppl talk about the a--y in such emotional terms because it's a profession... there's no place to be a cauldron of bubbling mixed emotions...
but... i cant help it.
you gave me an experience that... really was pretty life changing.
thanks.
any shit that came along or will come along...
it'll all be more than worth it.

dvds

why. why cant people just return their dvds on time.
the world would be a much better place...
ARGH.

love actually is a very feel good movie.
it does a bit of magic to your spirits...
i dont know why people are so into the whole 'to me you are perfect'
i mean i get it... but....
i still like the one with the portuguese girl.
makes you feel like learning portuguese.
but that is besides the point.
learning a language is so much more than a feeling...

anyway
check out www.duckzbunny.blogspot.com . they've got a lot more nice stuff.
you can get something for yourself... your sister... girlfriend... boyfriend... whatever it is...
OK?? :D
affirmative
fantastic.

i hate human beings.

just emailed a couple of people... so i wont say so much here... it's difficult to.

things have been... really busy since i moved back onto campus... moving into my new apartment... and classes are not going my way... things were ok at first... maybe even shockingly not bad... now... for certain reasons i just feel a huge void

and at the moment due to a certain incident im incredibly pissed off. but i have a right to settle this. and i will try to assert it.

was in class yesterday and something the prof said rang extremely true... he said... people (meaning people in the developed world... mainly the west) always try to settle the 'problems' of those in the third world... but yet they never ever ask these people whether they want that help or what kinda help them want. i really really couldnt agree more... it's like treating them like objects. these pitiful objects. but no. they are living breathing human beings just like you and me. just because they're in conditions which are 'worse' (ok admittedly a genocidical condition is downright tragic but im not talking about that here) doesn mean it's for us to judge what is good and bad. and it does not further mean that we can view them as things to be helped. and not as human beings of equal intelligence. but jsut a different culture. OK?! GOT THAT?

dammit. i dont know. people are disgusting. we are disgusting.

my prof was talking about the environmental problems and such... (the first lecture i attended i felt like a total dope. half the time i didnt even know what the hell he was talking abt. seriously think im just not cut out for this studying stuff.) and he said... what we need is LESS technology and science.. (which people keep 'inventing' to solve what are essentially the problems of humanity) but more social responsibility and political voice... shit i really couldnt agree more.

sigh. why. why why why. why is the world such an ugly place and people so flawed. can you tell me.

shit

i hate the feeling that i cant feel at ease in my own apartment.

but what i hate even more is guys who treat girls like a piece of property and downright shit. dammit!

dead

im so tired. so tired that if you put shit in front of me i would eat it not knowing that it was shit.
that's how tired i am. too tired to come up with something witty to say. something tasteful to say.
and instead i end up turning into some crass crude person.
but i dont care. coz im tired.

yes lynette! i will blog soon! and reply u!
hahaa so exciting.
in the meantime... yes i am still very much alive.

jealous kind

i built another temple to a stranger
i gave away my heart to the rushing wind
i set my course to run right into danger
i sought the company of fools instead of friends

you know i've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
i chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
i'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover i don't understand
'cause i don't understand

love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if i should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride

love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

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im so grateful mel lent me the jars of clay cd... what's it called again.. er...
o yeah who we are instead. i really... really like their songs and everything rings so true... im not very into music. and in fact it pisses me off at times. but if there's a cd to get. it's that.

i feel like typing a really really long post on any shit i want to say but yet i dont feel like coz im in an extremely uncomfortable position. yes im even talking about insignificant minute dumb details like this. coz i just want to type. i want to see whether at the end of this all... i can kinda see the 'big picture'. or whatever deep shit im trying to see. but seeing that i just used the phrase deep shit. i dont think im gonna get very far here. i dont care. my fingers are just gonna move. move move move. and im gonna change the filter to become more permeable. yeah man. semi permeable is out!

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first thing that comes to mind... is God. i really... dislike. talking about this issue... coz it's such a touchy sensitive subject. something so straightforward has just produced a crapload of grey areas coz we as humans mess up so many things because of our own selfish thoughts and needs.

but the honest truth is i think ive fallen away damn freaking far. and a long time ago. crappppppppp hahaaa... im starting to think i shouldnt go on anymore... but... IT"S OK. i wont say too much. sigh. dont worry wl. this is ok... ahhhhhh... inner voice speaking man. but anyways. yeah. so much so that... ive just become so consumed with my own stupid selfish rocky life... yes occassionally i wonder. in the states... there've been times when i was really. really in need... and... something. i dont know if it's God. but something which happened for a while... just vanished. disappeared. as fast as it came. shit i could go on and on... but ok man. i shall put my fantastic summarizing and filtering skills to work. woohoo.

the truth is... i think i really dont know how to believe. and i have no faith. that was difficult to type. but i really think i have no faith. since coming back to sg... esp of recent. there've been a number of people who just... suddenly... out of the blue started talking to me about this... and it all started in camp. i dont know why. maybe i have some unGodly glow about me. hahaa. and damn. that would suck bad.

im damn cynical about churches i think. because. im totally disappointed in the behavior of people and prob myself. some idiot to call myself a christian. and... it's just difficult to progress from there. i dont know how to elaborate further. there're so many things which... i feel like i see it another way. and i dont know whether it's because of all these unGodly characteristics building up within. is it? i know i will never be able to jump up and down and raise my hands in praise... i think. i know that im freaking passive. there're so many characteristics of a strong christian that... bewilder me. and i can never be.

yesterday was an off day in camp. and i went back. and a friend there was talking to me about this... and... i dont know. things like that mean a lot to me... im not gonna elaborate further. hahaa suddenly im at a loss of words. there's so much more to say. but i dont really know what to type anymore.

there's been something ive been thinking about... and i think there've been signs. but my selfish.. human longings and needs is putting it away. i think. i dont know. sigh. i think that song kinda describes what i feel... but. difference being i think i have no heart to give away. dammit.

ill always remember something my dad said. that... things will be very different when you really believe. your life will take a 180 degrees change. your perspective will change. and all the small, minute insignificant details of life... all these disgusting things that humans do... they wont matter anymore. i think i still believe that's true. and if it is. i cannot... cannot wait for it to happen. but i dont know how.

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i dont know whether im going to be able to go on talking about something else after that. but i shall try. this one even more sensitive. hahahaaa but in a different way. so... heh. chopchop.

my 10 (and more) working weeks have been... very very very interesting... ok suddenly i dont know what more to say. by right. my life since last jan... has gone through a lot of change... well of a different kind... i think. and there should be a shitload of things to talk about. to blog about. but i just refuse to. refuse refuse refuse. for reasons. but... let's see... ive learnt a lot. during the past 2 1/2 months. wow. that's it. i just cant say anymore. all the good and bad. it's just too personal. but i will say... that i love what i do. it scares the shit out of me for some reasons... but i really... really hope i can ________ people here... i really hope i can do something.

the people ive met... i think i put a lot of emotions into everything i do... am very guided by that... dont know if its good or bad.. but im just gonna be myself and do and think the way i feel is right. im sick of people telling me i should be this way and that... im not gonna listen to anymore of this bullshit.

hahaa this was huge to me... but wow. that's it. i cant say anything more coz it means too much.

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my time in the states seems so far away. so long ago. that honestly i cant remember much about it. and it's difficult to talk about. so i guess we'll leave it at that.

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i love singapore.
like. really. this country holds so many memories and all man.
watching ndp... ok im not very into the 'show' stuff cept the cute starfish which were flapping their arms about... quite interestingly... and the i dont know... the seahorse guy... or sealion... o right. lionfish or something. wah lao if i were his parents i would be freaking proud of my son. apart from the slightly scary outfit and makeup.

there's really no other place i want to me. it reall really bewilders me how people can go overseas... and not want to come home? but i guess to each his/her own.

on an unrelated note. if you really want to make a difference. you can do it in everyday life. to the people around you. or in ways which even though are not necessarily seen, you know, that you're making a difference. you know... pictures of all these ________ ________. i'll always feel its an exploitation. but people exploit it further ourselves. for our own good. and it sickens me even more.

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you know sometimes the loneliness gets to you.

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i think i had a lot more to say. but i dont care. basically just gonna say that... i really... really (insert four letter l word which i just cant say/type) and appreciate every single one of my friends... and every single second spent together in this increasing humid island...

you're not judged. the only one judging you is yourself.

so thanks guys/girls. im not expressive at all but it all means a shitload to me. any small meeting...

i hate myself for being an ass. at times. when i dont meet up or whatever. but... i dont not coz i cant be bothered. but there are reasons. but ive been trying to be less of an ass... and i hope its been working out.

i think i've let people down... a lot... coz the truth of the matter is that im a coward. and i really. really apologise...

i'll really miss all of you when i go back...

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i want a one week break from the world from whatever freaking bullshit.
i think a lot of people would appreciate that.
a pity it's impossible.

and suddenly i just feel so _______.
shit man. shit.

gah.

it's really difficult to blog.
coz you cant really say what you want to say.
and of course it's your problem for even setting up this weird thing and wanting to say whatever you wanna say in the first place and yet later complaining that you cant.

coz... brutal honesty is quite impossible...
you cant really reveal ur true thoughts with the knowledge that this is not private.
so more or less everything that comes out has gotta go through some filter.
and there are differences in filters too.
there's the... i really dont want people to know what im completely talking about so im just gonna leave out some shit/exclude some shit filter... through which posts usually come out more choppy and not so understandable.. but there's the other filter where... i actually want people to think that im being revealing and brutally honest and baring my soul to the world and if they want to judge me. they will. and of course they are going to judge me to be a person of excellent character because im being oh so 'brutally honest'. which leads to freaking contrived shit.

but there're prob other categories. but i cant be bothered to think or type something nice now. ive been wanting to blog bout a lot of things. but not really sure what to say. which ends up in me not saying anything. sigh. shit.

i dont know if im being too cynical. or even like... __________. but... u know. just screw it. i honestly think maybe im a person of not so good character or misguided in some way to think of things in this bs way. but. we'll see la. this kinda leads to something else i wanted to say... but shall just stop here first.

humans

is it in human nature to just...
not be able to shut up about things.

you know how the bible speaks about...
men doing things... which need only be recognized by God
but not by the whole world...
unfortunately that's not how majority of humans work
coz they want some recognition...
and up comes this dramatic story with deliberate attempts to construct it.

it sickens me to death.

disgusting shit

s

hahaa.
suddenly i feel so damn bloody stupid.
haa.. yeah.

really stupid you know?
hahaa really really dumb.

-

a coward who keeps disappointing.

come back...

stressed.
there're just too many things to do in 2 weeks.
it's impossible.
no it's possible.
but. ultimately...
shit. sigh.

yo pau i wrote the story myself.
and yes alcohol sucks no matter what.
i just cannot stand a single drop of that crap.
it's disgusting.
im way happier being a nerd and even drinking milk or something.

yes nette. potter. i need to go draw up a schedule of sorts of what to do...

hahaa i dont know why the approach keeps coming from the wrong directions.
as hilarious as it is it's freaking saddening.
there must be some weird vibe. or aura.
MAN. suay la. FREAKING SUAY.

sometimes i dont know why i bother.
it's impossible.
because the others are so so colorful...
and... then there's the matter of that... uncertainty.
and time and distance.
hahaa. am i interpreting things wrongly?
detachment is a cruel thing.

you know.
on an unrelated note.
si nian shi yi zhong bing.