15

just deleted another post. coz i just watched royston tan's 15. it's on youtube.

leaves me feeling just really guilty. and ashamed. and with no idea what else to say.

it's really hard hitting. if you bother to look below the surface.

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decided to write more. this whole week. have been bombarded with things to do with american military. with ghaffar khan and the non-violent peace movement in pakistan. with so many things. and a lot of stupid stuff. and i watch this. and it really makes me speechless.

i dont know how anything i say would be able to accurately reflect the film. or these singaporean gangsters. i mean since young.. me.. my group of friends.. we're all bananas. and the terms ah lian ah beng.. you know. standard man. dont think twice before saying. and obviously negative connotations. but.. i guess there really is another side of singaporean society.. which we just dont give a shit about and look at in disdain. and im in no way glorifying anyone. but really. we're really just so.. like.. all human. and just the same. and it's sad how some of us end of this way.. and some.. another way. sigh. i dont know what im talking about.

so many parts of the film were extremely difficult to watch.. i mean in the first place it's not what it's not like how i thought it would be.. but that's another issue. there's this one scene. with this guy stuffing these condoms down his throat filled with ecstacy pills for smuggling. that just killed me off. and emotionally. there were just so many others. another scene where these aunties just keep staring at them.. or another where these english educated students kinda start a fight.

im not blaming aunties. or english education. i mean.. everyone is just a different part of society.. but.. the other thing is that these bengs are just boys man. like really their thoughts.. the way they speak.. or whatever. they're just so. so young. people think of this gang thing as this bunch of violent bengs or whatever shit it is.. but.. i dont know. it's so different. and i can understand how these people get into them... because if.. if you're really that short of love in your life.. everything else doesnt matter but this place.. really kinda gives them that. there're many many things that society will never understand and accept.. and these kids just have to look elsewhere.

i hate saying all this BULLSHIT. coz i know my words do no justice to anything at all. what do i know after watching just one film. but if there's anything i've realised.. it's that really.. to get so absorbed in yourself. in your own thoughts. or even in your own notions that you're making a difference to the world. it's just disgusting. close to home there're just so many more. more things happening. all around you. maybe i guess. just before you judge someone. or generalise things. or something. maybe just think before.

i was born into an english family. my chinese sucks. but it's not something ive chosen for myself. it's just how things are. so really no one's right or wrong. it's just the situation. and i guess for now that's the end of what i want to say. coz im kinda speechless

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one more thing i said just now before i deleted it. there're students here who are having their education paid by the military. they go to uni but as cadets. they train and go to cadet classes too other than the normal stuff. so it's not uncommon to see people in army uniform around school. talking to friends. holding a textbook. when i left class that day there was a guy in army uniform sitting on the floor outside.. studying italian. it made me feel kinda sick. and sad. when i went on the bus.. there was this guy.. i recognise him from my dorm. but i think he just recently joined the military and shaved his head. he was talking about m16s.. and how they were so powerful (there're way more powerful weapons my boy...) and about how many people it could kill.. things like that.. very excitedly and arrogantly about a weapon he just learnt.. and that made me sick to my stomach.

before. before you join something. think about it. think about your own intentions. think about whether it's right for you. this... can apply to so many people.. some whom ive been thinking about lately and feeling quite shit about.

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i guess there are things im struggling with. and things everyone else is struggling with. i mean everyone has their own shit. i think i am actually a person who commits the sin of envy a lot. that's why i always think the grass is greener on the other side. i admit it. i definitely feel genuinely happy for people a lot. but some times... the devil sways my opinion other wise. and in other situations. i guess.. everyone gets something different out of things.. you know? like.. situations are different. and people are so different.. sigh. what i decide to do with my education and time here... is my own path to take.. and just coz it's way different from the 'time of your life' thing that everyone seems to be enjoying... so what.

you know. really. it's just so damn what.