this is a crucial week.
i dont know why. but suddenly it's become really dark. suddenly.
i think the forces of suppression and like.. obssession.. they kinda work together.
my roommate's highschool friend died in the iraq war a couple of weeks ago.
he was 20.
ants have been invading my room. i hope they leave. quick.
it's weird but sometimes all it takes is just that one spark. that one small action of kindness. or whatever it is.
and it just changes everything. even the smallest things that people might not realise.
no man is an island man.
dont tell me you dont need... company.
that's bullshit.
if only they worked.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
back
im back from springbreak... and it was great. for many reasons. but i dont want to talk about it now too. for many reasons.
maybe another time.
but im glad whatever happened happened. whoever went went.
why. why are people just so damn disappointing
maybe another time.
but im glad whatever happened happened. whoever went went.
why. why are people just so damn disappointing
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Seoul Train
i got a notice on this "international movies night" at the library held on tuesday night. and they were showing these films on korean refugees trying to get into china out of the oppression and hardship in north korea, and something about the rwandan genocide. and i decided to go. and lo and behold i was the only person there. i think this is how things usually work. universities might seem like they have a crapload of enriching activities. but if no one really notices/bothers to check out the flyer, honestly nothing happens. but then again.. having a whole room to myself is great.
anyway the documentary was called Seoul Train. it was an hour long... but really was an eye opener to the whole N korea and China situation.. and very, very sad.
basically there are many north koreans who are trying to escape from the terrible oppression and hardship from the retard of a kim jong il regime which is just completely breaking down the country. there were snippets of north korea itself.. yes.. amazing.. from a secret video cam which someone used to take videos of life in north korea and it just looked so, so, backward and sad. kinda like how we're all living in 2007 and north korea is a century behind. the saddest thing were the children, who are said to be starving so badly that their growth now is 7-8 inches behind south korean children, even though they are all from the same gene pool. and there they are running all over the mud, finding for food.. even eating stuff off the ground.. with many scabs, scars all that.. all over their bodies.. it's just shocking that with the progression of the world and the problems us urbanized idiots face today.. i dont know. i guess it is unfair to compare.. but it really is a tragedy.
the main issue is that the chinese government.. is damn unfeeling. they do not recognise these north koreans who escape through the border separating the 2 countries as refugees, and hunt them down in china to get them sent back to north korea. and the problem with n korea being a stupidass totalitarian regime is that once these people leave, are seen as traitors, as having committed the biggest crime of betrayal to the regime. when they go back they're sent to political prison camps, tortured, forced into hard labour, or even executed immediately, and many of them die in the camps, regardless of age/gender.. whatever it is. so these people have created an underground movement in china to help these north koreans... many of whom try to get into china, and then return to south korea. but the chinese are just damn cold. and unfeeling. the thing is there're so many security checks to make it through.. for months some activists in this underground movement feed these north koreans to pass them off as south koreans.. teach them things.. observe the security.. the change of guards/policemen etc.. because they know that if they get caught. it's the end. they'll be deported and basically screwed after that.
i can understand why china would be unwilling in a way to accept these 'refugees', because it'd prob lead to an increased influx of more n koreans into their country which MIGHT create an economic strain... (but then again.. bullshit.. the country is seriously like how damn big).. but the fact is that they could let them enter, and exit, to s korea. or mongolia. which is where they wanna go. it's not as though the n koreans wanna stay in china where they're treated to so much suspicion etc the entire time.
these north koreans try to save themselves.. by dashing into embassies.. coz once they're behind the gates, on the grounds of the embassies.. they are safe. they will be recognized as refugees there, and saved. there was a particular family, just one in so many... they obeserved the change of guards etc at the embassies.. made plans how to chiong in when the gate opened.. but this mother, and the little girl... they couldnt make it through. their attempt was just killed off by the guards. you can imagine the activist watching from the window.. as the plan unfolds only to fail completely... a few of these attempts were caught on the Seoul Train dvd.. and it's just really really sad... coz these people know what's in for them when they're gonna be caught... and the activists themselves are in grave danger. some interviewed for the documentary all had to wear masks.
i watched some parts of the bonus features.. and there was an 11 minute video from these people who again secretly filmed in north korea.. they have these public executions where the officials make people come to watch... even teachers bringing some children... and the judge decides on the spot the verdict. some sentenced to eternal hard labor.. others executed on the spot. and even before the verdict... execution posts are already mounted up to tie the condemned to. before the execution. the person is blindfolded behind a cloth and stones stuffed into his mouth, so he cannot condemn the regime out loud. and the high commissioner says some bullshit about these traitors. and throws insults at them.. and then shoots them, as an example to the rest of the north koreans. it's just so damn disgusting and sad.
after you watch these documentaries. you feel so much. but then it's like.. what can you do? i dont know now. but i know i wont just throw this away. ive really been developing a great interest in asian studies.. it just so happens that the librarian who put this on.. i was talking to her and she said she had a friend who did an internship in NYC regarding this north korean thing.. i think presumably with some NGO... and she told me if i was interested, she definitely could give me some contacts for an internship in the summer. but i cant. i have to go back to sg with my own responsibilities to fulfil. i feel like anything i say will be hypocritical... because even though this documentary has touched me, made me feel like doing something..
but what? you know what i mean? i dont want to be one of those... people who make me so sick and full of some disgust and anger with their claims of.. whatever. it's not like ive been enlightened.. or become some self recognised saint.. i just wanted to share this issue with others. and so i shall just end this by not saying anything else.
one more thing. if anyone is interested... the website is www.seoultrain.com .. and if.. i dont know.. you guys are considering like.. might need something like this for a uni project or something.. i dont know.. seriously consider buying it and checking it out.
anyway the documentary was called Seoul Train. it was an hour long... but really was an eye opener to the whole N korea and China situation.. and very, very sad.
basically there are many north koreans who are trying to escape from the terrible oppression and hardship from the retard of a kim jong il regime which is just completely breaking down the country. there were snippets of north korea itself.. yes.. amazing.. from a secret video cam which someone used to take videos of life in north korea and it just looked so, so, backward and sad. kinda like how we're all living in 2007 and north korea is a century behind. the saddest thing were the children, who are said to be starving so badly that their growth now is 7-8 inches behind south korean children, even though they are all from the same gene pool. and there they are running all over the mud, finding for food.. even eating stuff off the ground.. with many scabs, scars all that.. all over their bodies.. it's just shocking that with the progression of the world and the problems us urbanized idiots face today.. i dont know. i guess it is unfair to compare.. but it really is a tragedy.
the main issue is that the chinese government.. is damn unfeeling. they do not recognise these north koreans who escape through the border separating the 2 countries as refugees, and hunt them down in china to get them sent back to north korea. and the problem with n korea being a stupidass totalitarian regime is that once these people leave, are seen as traitors, as having committed the biggest crime of betrayal to the regime. when they go back they're sent to political prison camps, tortured, forced into hard labour, or even executed immediately, and many of them die in the camps, regardless of age/gender.. whatever it is. so these people have created an underground movement in china to help these north koreans... many of whom try to get into china, and then return to south korea. but the chinese are just damn cold. and unfeeling. the thing is there're so many security checks to make it through.. for months some activists in this underground movement feed these north koreans to pass them off as south koreans.. teach them things.. observe the security.. the change of guards/policemen etc.. because they know that if they get caught. it's the end. they'll be deported and basically screwed after that.
i can understand why china would be unwilling in a way to accept these 'refugees', because it'd prob lead to an increased influx of more n koreans into their country which MIGHT create an economic strain... (but then again.. bullshit.. the country is seriously like how damn big).. but the fact is that they could let them enter, and exit, to s korea. or mongolia. which is where they wanna go. it's not as though the n koreans wanna stay in china where they're treated to so much suspicion etc the entire time.
these north koreans try to save themselves.. by dashing into embassies.. coz once they're behind the gates, on the grounds of the embassies.. they are safe. they will be recognized as refugees there, and saved. there was a particular family, just one in so many... they obeserved the change of guards etc at the embassies.. made plans how to chiong in when the gate opened.. but this mother, and the little girl... they couldnt make it through. their attempt was just killed off by the guards. you can imagine the activist watching from the window.. as the plan unfolds only to fail completely... a few of these attempts were caught on the Seoul Train dvd.. and it's just really really sad... coz these people know what's in for them when they're gonna be caught... and the activists themselves are in grave danger. some interviewed for the documentary all had to wear masks.
i watched some parts of the bonus features.. and there was an 11 minute video from these people who again secretly filmed in north korea.. they have these public executions where the officials make people come to watch... even teachers bringing some children... and the judge decides on the spot the verdict. some sentenced to eternal hard labor.. others executed on the spot. and even before the verdict... execution posts are already mounted up to tie the condemned to. before the execution. the person is blindfolded behind a cloth and stones stuffed into his mouth, so he cannot condemn the regime out loud. and the high commissioner says some bullshit about these traitors. and throws insults at them.. and then shoots them, as an example to the rest of the north koreans. it's just so damn disgusting and sad.
after you watch these documentaries. you feel so much. but then it's like.. what can you do? i dont know now. but i know i wont just throw this away. ive really been developing a great interest in asian studies.. it just so happens that the librarian who put this on.. i was talking to her and she said she had a friend who did an internship in NYC regarding this north korean thing.. i think presumably with some NGO... and she told me if i was interested, she definitely could give me some contacts for an internship in the summer. but i cant. i have to go back to sg with my own responsibilities to fulfil. i feel like anything i say will be hypocritical... because even though this documentary has touched me, made me feel like doing something..
but what? you know what i mean? i dont want to be one of those... people who make me so sick and full of some disgust and anger with their claims of.. whatever. it's not like ive been enlightened.. or become some self recognised saint.. i just wanted to share this issue with others. and so i shall just end this by not saying anything else.
one more thing. if anyone is interested... the website is www.seoultrain.com .. and if.. i dont know.. you guys are considering like.. might need something like this for a uni project or something.. i dont know.. seriously consider buying it and checking it out.
Monday, March 12, 2007
-
they believed that there was no more... left to repair
when really it never left and has always been there
i hate weekends. hate.
but theres one "thing" i hate much much more. hate. hate. hate.
when really it never left and has always been there
i hate weekends. hate.
but theres one "thing" i hate much much more. hate. hate. hate.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
10 000 villages
im in love with this shop called ten thousand villages. there's one here and.. o man. it's just got such.. nice stuff...
im thinking of doing a masters.. which hopefully i can.. in asian studies.. or something along those lines.. it's something that ive become really interested in since coming here.. we'll see.
i just went for the engineering opening house on campus.. it's such a bright sunny hot day.. spring really is here.. and i guess it's just great to get out. and wow. i think engineering is damn cool. like seriously. these people really know what they're doing and talking about. and they have so much passion in their exhibits. sometimes a part of me wishes i had followed the whole science path, coz i think it's really really great. sometimes to be honest, i feel like im not getting a 'real' education in that sense. but i know im being stupid. you cant compare the two. just that i really think engineering is wow. very cool.
im thinking of doing a masters.. which hopefully i can.. in asian studies.. or something along those lines.. it's something that ive become really interested in since coming here.. we'll see.
i just went for the engineering opening house on campus.. it's such a bright sunny hot day.. spring really is here.. and i guess it's just great to get out. and wow. i think engineering is damn cool. like seriously. these people really know what they're doing and talking about. and they have so much passion in their exhibits. sometimes a part of me wishes i had followed the whole science path, coz i think it's really really great. sometimes to be honest, i feel like im not getting a 'real' education in that sense. but i know im being stupid. you cant compare the two. just that i really think engineering is wow. very cool.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
mr x
he said that you had to let it out in some ways
that you cant keep riding by, masked
that the only way was to share
it sure sounds like a brochure
but maybe from more than a passerby, they're more than some meaningless words
we'll see
shall check up more on becoming sam in the future
i was just reading a daily devotion book, which someone important gave to me before i left, 7-8 months ago, time flies. it really does. and how apt that the verse today says:
With many counselors, there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
just in line with my thoughts.
it speaks of a 'council of advisors' around you. friends and family who walk with the Lord. that they are the ones who will guide you and give you the best advice. i really am fortunate to have so many of them in my life. distance isnt even a consideration. met them at every single point. even in training. coincidence is highly debatable, but i trust.. it doesnt explain everything.
that you cant keep riding by, masked
that the only way was to share
it sure sounds like a brochure
but maybe from more than a passerby, they're more than some meaningless words
we'll see
shall check up more on becoming sam in the future
i was just reading a daily devotion book, which someone important gave to me before i left, 7-8 months ago, time flies. it really does. and how apt that the verse today says:
With many counselors, there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
just in line with my thoughts.
it speaks of a 'council of advisors' around you. friends and family who walk with the Lord. that they are the ones who will guide you and give you the best advice. i really am fortunate to have so many of them in my life. distance isnt even a consideration. met them at every single point. even in training. coincidence is highly debatable, but i trust.. it doesnt explain everything.
Monday, March 05, 2007
it's HK man
i just remembered something which i totally forgot to mention before.
the oscars were held that day and the extremely pissing departed won for i think it was best adaptation for screenplay or whatever it was... and the person announced it as being based on a freaking JAPANESE film?
seriously. oscars my ass man. all this hollywood big award stuff.. it's all bullshit. it's so damn stupid the amount of gossip which is generated everyday about all these over-rated human beings and what kinda crap fashion they wear to the oscars etc... they are a disgrace to art. and that mention in the oscars too. what kinda STUPID mistake IS that?! they should be slapping themselves.. but then again.. i doubt they would even give a shit. coz to them. japan = hongkong. big deal. the point is that the departed is good. and that's all. like.. u know.. that's all that matters. scorcese is such an amazing human being for putting so much sex and violence and vulgarities into the original "overly tamed" version.. yea. give it up for the man. he won a freaking oscar for goodness sake. woohoo.
my professor was talking about this that day during class.. and he said an injustice has been done to HK cinema. they've really taken huge strides forward but no one kinda gives them the acknowledgment that they deserve. and esp now with this just one stupid mistake.
btw has anyone watched Singapore shorts or Royston's shorts? if you have please let me know what you think of them thanks!
the oscars were held that day and the extremely pissing departed won for i think it was best adaptation for screenplay or whatever it was... and the person announced it as being based on a freaking JAPANESE film?
seriously. oscars my ass man. all this hollywood big award stuff.. it's all bullshit. it's so damn stupid the amount of gossip which is generated everyday about all these over-rated human beings and what kinda crap fashion they wear to the oscars etc... they are a disgrace to art. and that mention in the oscars too. what kinda STUPID mistake IS that?! they should be slapping themselves.. but then again.. i doubt they would even give a shit. coz to them. japan = hongkong. big deal. the point is that the departed is good. and that's all. like.. u know.. that's all that matters. scorcese is such an amazing human being for putting so much sex and violence and vulgarities into the original "overly tamed" version.. yea. give it up for the man. he won a freaking oscar for goodness sake. woohoo.
my professor was talking about this that day during class.. and he said an injustice has been done to HK cinema. they've really taken huge strides forward but no one kinda gives them the acknowledgment that they deserve. and esp now with this just one stupid mistake.
btw has anyone watched Singapore shorts or Royston's shorts? if you have please let me know what you think of them thanks!
Sunday, March 04, 2007
i love singapore
really. i do. i heard an interview online where royston tan described people's views of us as a disneyland with punishment (caning etc...), a cold and unfeeling place. but i think that's totally untrue. there's so much more to our country than there seems on the surface.
i think that's something ive learnt so far. when i come back. for real. i know im going to become a workaholic. i already was during ohseeass days. but i really need to try to find some balance in my life. which is going to be difficult.. but i do wanna get involved in many more things going on in sg.. like the arts scene.. the film scene.. check out plays... sg film fest.. etc.. i think singapore's just such a damn cool place with the great variety of culture. and people who dont think so can go migrate or something.
no. i am not being a good singaporean who listens to the gov. i have my own opinions on that. but i know i should not voice such opinions in a place like this now.
something someone said a while back pissed the shit out of me. actually ok not that bad. we were talking about lah and lor and singlish. and person said that person hates it. yet person still uses it. that infuriated me. coz person looks down on singaporeans. on our culture. im not saying we should lah and lor like crazy.. like if i go to a cafe here or something.. like eh.. i want a hot chocolate... huh? no la. no salt. only sugar lor. or something like that. as long as we know when to speak 'proper' english.. when to use it.. it's part of who we are man.. why should we deny our identity HAH?!?!?!!!
so. like that lor. hohoho.
this a dilemma that people face overseas. sometimes the locals find it difficult to understand us. i think brits understand much better than americans actually.. coz for example.. when we say wa-Ter.. or bet-Ter.. they're like HUH... americans are kinda like waaadderrrrrr... bedderrrrrrrr.. you know that kinda thing.. and i think it's coz we were a brit colony last time.. queen's english man.. different. hahaa but i mean i dont even know if im right.
so people here.. most tend to try to slang when speaking to americans.. or just talk very abnormally.. that annoys me.. coz it comes out sounding just so damn ridiculous.. and it's not who you are. just speak slower and clearer. i get you. they get you. a while ago i was with person. and i was speaking normally. american in picture answered me. person started slanging ridiculously. american went huh.
face it! you are NOT gonna speak like an american. coz u're not one!!! sure sometimes i have to speak slightly more slangyish like some words or they really dont get you.. but please! please please!!! ridiculous.
o yea. and those high up officials who are telling little scholar kids not to study international relations coz it's rubbish?
l-i-a-r-s.
anyway. check this out.
i think that's something ive learnt so far. when i come back. for real. i know im going to become a workaholic. i already was during ohseeass days. but i really need to try to find some balance in my life. which is going to be difficult.. but i do wanna get involved in many more things going on in sg.. like the arts scene.. the film scene.. check out plays... sg film fest.. etc.. i think singapore's just such a damn cool place with the great variety of culture. and people who dont think so can go migrate or something.
no. i am not being a good singaporean who listens to the gov. i have my own opinions on that. but i know i should not voice such opinions in a place like this now.
something someone said a while back pissed the shit out of me. actually ok not that bad. we were talking about lah and lor and singlish. and person said that person hates it. yet person still uses it. that infuriated me. coz person looks down on singaporeans. on our culture. im not saying we should lah and lor like crazy.. like if i go to a cafe here or something.. like eh.. i want a hot chocolate... huh? no la. no salt. only sugar lor. or something like that. as long as we know when to speak 'proper' english.. when to use it.. it's part of who we are man.. why should we deny our identity HAH?!?!?!!!
so. like that lor. hohoho.
this a dilemma that people face overseas. sometimes the locals find it difficult to understand us. i think brits understand much better than americans actually.. coz for example.. when we say wa-Ter.. or bet-Ter.. they're like HUH... americans are kinda like waaadderrrrrr... bedderrrrrrrr.. you know that kinda thing.. and i think it's coz we were a brit colony last time.. queen's english man.. different. hahaa but i mean i dont even know if im right.
so people here.. most tend to try to slang when speaking to americans.. or just talk very abnormally.. that annoys me.. coz it comes out sounding just so damn ridiculous.. and it's not who you are. just speak slower and clearer. i get you. they get you. a while ago i was with person. and i was speaking normally. american in picture answered me. person started slanging ridiculously. american went huh.
face it! you are NOT gonna speak like an american. coz u're not one!!! sure sometimes i have to speak slightly more slangyish like some words or they really dont get you.. but please! please please!!! ridiculous.
o yea. and those high up officials who are telling little scholar kids not to study international relations coz it's rubbish?
l-i-a-r-s.
anyway. check this out.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
15
just deleted another post. coz i just watched royston tan's 15. it's on youtube.
leaves me feeling just really guilty. and ashamed. and with no idea what else to say.
it's really hard hitting. if you bother to look below the surface.
--------------------------------------------------------
decided to write more. this whole week. have been bombarded with things to do with american military. with ghaffar khan and the non-violent peace movement in pakistan. with so many things. and a lot of stupid stuff. and i watch this. and it really makes me speechless.
i dont know how anything i say would be able to accurately reflect the film. or these singaporean gangsters. i mean since young.. me.. my group of friends.. we're all bananas. and the terms ah lian ah beng.. you know. standard man. dont think twice before saying. and obviously negative connotations. but.. i guess there really is another side of singaporean society.. which we just dont give a shit about and look at in disdain. and im in no way glorifying anyone. but really. we're really just so.. like.. all human. and just the same. and it's sad how some of us end of this way.. and some.. another way. sigh. i dont know what im talking about.
so many parts of the film were extremely difficult to watch.. i mean in the first place it's not what it's not like how i thought it would be.. but that's another issue. there's this one scene. with this guy stuffing these condoms down his throat filled with ecstacy pills for smuggling. that just killed me off. and emotionally. there were just so many others. another scene where these aunties just keep staring at them.. or another where these english educated students kinda start a fight.
im not blaming aunties. or english education. i mean.. everyone is just a different part of society.. but.. the other thing is that these bengs are just boys man. like really their thoughts.. the way they speak.. or whatever. they're just so. so young. people think of this gang thing as this bunch of violent bengs or whatever shit it is.. but.. i dont know. it's so different. and i can understand how these people get into them... because if.. if you're really that short of love in your life.. everything else doesnt matter but this place.. really kinda gives them that. there're many many things that society will never understand and accept.. and these kids just have to look elsewhere.
i hate saying all this BULLSHIT. coz i know my words do no justice to anything at all. what do i know after watching just one film. but if there's anything i've realised.. it's that really.. to get so absorbed in yourself. in your own thoughts. or even in your own notions that you're making a difference to the world. it's just disgusting. close to home there're just so many more. more things happening. all around you. maybe i guess. just before you judge someone. or generalise things. or something. maybe just think before.
i was born into an english family. my chinese sucks. but it's not something ive chosen for myself. it's just how things are. so really no one's right or wrong. it's just the situation. and i guess for now that's the end of what i want to say. coz im kinda speechless
--------------------------------------------------------
one more thing i said just now before i deleted it. there're students here who are having their education paid by the military. they go to uni but as cadets. they train and go to cadet classes too other than the normal stuff. so it's not uncommon to see people in army uniform around school. talking to friends. holding a textbook. when i left class that day there was a guy in army uniform sitting on the floor outside.. studying italian. it made me feel kinda sick. and sad. when i went on the bus.. there was this guy.. i recognise him from my dorm. but i think he just recently joined the military and shaved his head. he was talking about m16s.. and how they were so powerful (there're way more powerful weapons my boy...) and about how many people it could kill.. things like that.. very excitedly and arrogantly about a weapon he just learnt.. and that made me sick to my stomach.
before. before you join something. think about it. think about your own intentions. think about whether it's right for you. this... can apply to so many people.. some whom ive been thinking about lately and feeling quite shit about.
-------------------------------------------------------
i guess there are things im struggling with. and things everyone else is struggling with. i mean everyone has their own shit. i think i am actually a person who commits the sin of envy a lot. that's why i always think the grass is greener on the other side. i admit it. i definitely feel genuinely happy for people a lot. but some times... the devil sways my opinion other wise. and in other situations. i guess.. everyone gets something different out of things.. you know? like.. situations are different. and people are so different.. sigh. what i decide to do with my education and time here... is my own path to take.. and just coz it's way different from the 'time of your life' thing that everyone seems to be enjoying... so what.
you know. really. it's just so damn what.
leaves me feeling just really guilty. and ashamed. and with no idea what else to say.
it's really hard hitting. if you bother to look below the surface.
--------------------------------------------------------
decided to write more. this whole week. have been bombarded with things to do with american military. with ghaffar khan and the non-violent peace movement in pakistan. with so many things. and a lot of stupid stuff. and i watch this. and it really makes me speechless.
i dont know how anything i say would be able to accurately reflect the film. or these singaporean gangsters. i mean since young.. me.. my group of friends.. we're all bananas. and the terms ah lian ah beng.. you know. standard man. dont think twice before saying. and obviously negative connotations. but.. i guess there really is another side of singaporean society.. which we just dont give a shit about and look at in disdain. and im in no way glorifying anyone. but really. we're really just so.. like.. all human. and just the same. and it's sad how some of us end of this way.. and some.. another way. sigh. i dont know what im talking about.
so many parts of the film were extremely difficult to watch.. i mean in the first place it's not what it's not like how i thought it would be.. but that's another issue. there's this one scene. with this guy stuffing these condoms down his throat filled with ecstacy pills for smuggling. that just killed me off. and emotionally. there were just so many others. another scene where these aunties just keep staring at them.. or another where these english educated students kinda start a fight.
im not blaming aunties. or english education. i mean.. everyone is just a different part of society.. but.. the other thing is that these bengs are just boys man. like really their thoughts.. the way they speak.. or whatever. they're just so. so young. people think of this gang thing as this bunch of violent bengs or whatever shit it is.. but.. i dont know. it's so different. and i can understand how these people get into them... because if.. if you're really that short of love in your life.. everything else doesnt matter but this place.. really kinda gives them that. there're many many things that society will never understand and accept.. and these kids just have to look elsewhere.
i hate saying all this BULLSHIT. coz i know my words do no justice to anything at all. what do i know after watching just one film. but if there's anything i've realised.. it's that really.. to get so absorbed in yourself. in your own thoughts. or even in your own notions that you're making a difference to the world. it's just disgusting. close to home there're just so many more. more things happening. all around you. maybe i guess. just before you judge someone. or generalise things. or something. maybe just think before.
i was born into an english family. my chinese sucks. but it's not something ive chosen for myself. it's just how things are. so really no one's right or wrong. it's just the situation. and i guess for now that's the end of what i want to say. coz im kinda speechless
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one more thing i said just now before i deleted it. there're students here who are having their education paid by the military. they go to uni but as cadets. they train and go to cadet classes too other than the normal stuff. so it's not uncommon to see people in army uniform around school. talking to friends. holding a textbook. when i left class that day there was a guy in army uniform sitting on the floor outside.. studying italian. it made me feel kinda sick. and sad. when i went on the bus.. there was this guy.. i recognise him from my dorm. but i think he just recently joined the military and shaved his head. he was talking about m16s.. and how they were so powerful (there're way more powerful weapons my boy...) and about how many people it could kill.. things like that.. very excitedly and arrogantly about a weapon he just learnt.. and that made me sick to my stomach.
before. before you join something. think about it. think about your own intentions. think about whether it's right for you. this... can apply to so many people.. some whom ive been thinking about lately and feeling quite shit about.
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i guess there are things im struggling with. and things everyone else is struggling with. i mean everyone has their own shit. i think i am actually a person who commits the sin of envy a lot. that's why i always think the grass is greener on the other side. i admit it. i definitely feel genuinely happy for people a lot. but some times... the devil sways my opinion other wise. and in other situations. i guess.. everyone gets something different out of things.. you know? like.. situations are different. and people are so different.. sigh. what i decide to do with my education and time here... is my own path to take.. and just coz it's way different from the 'time of your life' thing that everyone seems to be enjoying... so what.
you know. really. it's just so damn what.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
dead
what an adrenaline rush.
had an exam tonight and a paper to hand in at 6pm for my night class. 2 papers of a 1000 words. which really isnt a lot. but i really really hate starting.. started at 2 am last night, finished at 5 for one. started the other at 7 and finished at 11. edited them so, so many times. i hate the initial phase, where you have no idea what you're gonna put down coz you know zilch.. but as you start.. and kinda get into the flow of things.. not bad. i think one of the happiest moment in my university life of studying.. is always when the paper comes out of the printing machine.. all that work.. turned into nice neat double-spaced lines with times new roman standard font size 12.. with my name right at the top. seriously. it is a feeling of exhilaration. makes me feel damn. damn. accomplished.
-------------------------------------------------
i start daydreaming sometimes during lessons.. because im thinking of whether or not i should go for my next class.. but i am proud to say though.. that this has really not been an issue for me at all since.. some parts of the start of this sem.. sure it still is for some reasons.. but whatever it is.. i go. and went i did today. only the teacher forgot to come. the students started a mini-revolution in the class using as much english as they wanted.. because we cant in language class.. 2 left after 5 mins. the rest of us sat around for a while.. 10 min. some guy just said "lets get the f out of here". and the room was emptied in 10 seconds. niceee. decisive.
-------------------------------------------------
my pol sci class in international relations is great.. if anyone has time i recommend you find this documentary called "why we fight". it's about american militarism today. im trying very hard to look at things from a neutral unbiased perspective.. and when i find myself leaning towards the side filled with anger at bush and america's attempt at imperialism i wonder if i am being slightly brainwashed because of my classes... but i dont think so. coming here.. ive realised how ignorant my statements about things regarding american policies and leaders were in the past. quite ironical isnt it. but that documentary is really good. if i can get my hands on it. shall force people to watch it with me in sg.
there was a talk on iran that day. and something very interesting came up. the professor, who's iranian (very gentle, mild-mannered guy.. although he looked a little like borat. but very mesmerizing eyes. really.), was talking about the US role in iran's history. as everyone knows the big issue over iran now is about their nuclear weapons.. the US is thinking of starting an air/sea war with them.. yadayada.. this guy came in and brought another perspective to it, and i can honestly say i feel very sorry for the people. and many people in the middleeast. the ordinary civilians who just want to get on with their lives and live it undisturbed. not talking about some shits like osama. one very interesting thing he pointed out... during the iraq-iran war of 1980 - 1988, the US was on the side of the iraqis. o yea and before that they had supported the decision to invade iran to capture its oil fields. but that is not the point here. so anyways the US then were really good friends with saddam hussein and they were the ones who provided him with the weapons of mass destruction for the war with iran. the huge irony is that years down the road, when situations change and backs are turned, saddam hussein has become the devil. and the WMD that they're looking for in iraq, actually came right from their hands.
and now they're thinking of bombing iran etc. you know... if you are trying to lead a normal, peaceful life. but yet someone keeps wanting to take over your business, decide who is going to be made ruler, take your oil-fields.. creating nuclear weapons to protect yourself. in a way. isnt that out of a world concept. if you get what im saying.
-----------------------------------------------------
there's this day at my university called the unoff-c-al st patr-cks day (trying to prevent myself being googled), the - represents i. got the following off a website:
For those of you who don't have the privilege of attending the University of Illinois, I'll give you one more thing to be jealous of besides our engineering school, business school, vet med school, agriculture school, law school, athletic dominance (except for football for the past few years), greek system, and party atmosphere. It was a tradition that was started years ago when St. Patrick's Day fell in the middle of spring break and the bars didn’t want to miss out on the revenue so they decided to celebrate the holiday a few weeks early. Now every year on the Friday of Unofficial everyone on campus (unless you have an exam that day) wakes up at around 7 or 8 AM and begins the drinking marathon that is Unofficial. Many teachers cancel lectures or don't go over anything important since they know that at least 50% of their students are drunk. Of course all of the bars open at around 8 that morning, some even serving green pancakes for breakfast, but the most interesting thing about this day however is that the Police must be out in strong force, arresting drunks, early in the morning.
- thanks to this guy.
and we got mass emails too about how security etc at the dorms are going to increase... a friend told me that last year a korean grad student was on a motorbike with someone, they were both drunk and got killed in an accident. we'll see how things go this friday.
my friend just told me that everyone just goes crazy.. there're already many classes cancelled.. and esp if you have a big lecture.. coz my school has a crapload of fraternities.. so they always take this chance to do stupid stuff.. like she had an exam and suddenly 6 guys ran in stripped and ran around the auditorium and out... profs cant do anything.. hmm.
had an exam tonight and a paper to hand in at 6pm for my night class. 2 papers of a 1000 words. which really isnt a lot. but i really really hate starting.. started at 2 am last night, finished at 5 for one. started the other at 7 and finished at 11. edited them so, so many times. i hate the initial phase, where you have no idea what you're gonna put down coz you know zilch.. but as you start.. and kinda get into the flow of things.. not bad. i think one of the happiest moment in my university life of studying.. is always when the paper comes out of the printing machine.. all that work.. turned into nice neat double-spaced lines with times new roman standard font size 12.. with my name right at the top. seriously. it is a feeling of exhilaration. makes me feel damn. damn. accomplished.
-------------------------------------------------
i start daydreaming sometimes during lessons.. because im thinking of whether or not i should go for my next class.. but i am proud to say though.. that this has really not been an issue for me at all since.. some parts of the start of this sem.. sure it still is for some reasons.. but whatever it is.. i go. and went i did today. only the teacher forgot to come. the students started a mini-revolution in the class using as much english as they wanted.. because we cant in language class.. 2 left after 5 mins. the rest of us sat around for a while.. 10 min. some guy just said "lets get the f out of here". and the room was emptied in 10 seconds. niceee. decisive.
-------------------------------------------------
my pol sci class in international relations is great.. if anyone has time i recommend you find this documentary called "why we fight". it's about american militarism today. im trying very hard to look at things from a neutral unbiased perspective.. and when i find myself leaning towards the side filled with anger at bush and america's attempt at imperialism i wonder if i am being slightly brainwashed because of my classes... but i dont think so. coming here.. ive realised how ignorant my statements about things regarding american policies and leaders were in the past. quite ironical isnt it. but that documentary is really good. if i can get my hands on it. shall force people to watch it with me in sg.
there was a talk on iran that day. and something very interesting came up. the professor, who's iranian (very gentle, mild-mannered guy.. although he looked a little like borat. but very mesmerizing eyes. really.), was talking about the US role in iran's history. as everyone knows the big issue over iran now is about their nuclear weapons.. the US is thinking of starting an air/sea war with them.. yadayada.. this guy came in and brought another perspective to it, and i can honestly say i feel very sorry for the people. and many people in the middleeast. the ordinary civilians who just want to get on with their lives and live it undisturbed. not talking about some shits like osama. one very interesting thing he pointed out... during the iraq-iran war of 1980 - 1988, the US was on the side of the iraqis. o yea and before that they had supported the decision to invade iran to capture its oil fields. but that is not the point here. so anyways the US then were really good friends with saddam hussein and they were the ones who provided him with the weapons of mass destruction for the war with iran. the huge irony is that years down the road, when situations change and backs are turned, saddam hussein has become the devil. and the WMD that they're looking for in iraq, actually came right from their hands.
and now they're thinking of bombing iran etc. you know... if you are trying to lead a normal, peaceful life. but yet someone keeps wanting to take over your business, decide who is going to be made ruler, take your oil-fields.. creating nuclear weapons to protect yourself. in a way. isnt that out of a world concept. if you get what im saying.
-----------------------------------------------------
there's this day at my university called the unoff-c-al st patr-cks day (trying to prevent myself being googled), the - represents i. got the following off a website:
For those of you who don't have the privilege of attending the University of Illinois, I'll give you one more thing to be jealous of besides our engineering school, business school, vet med school, agriculture school, law school, athletic dominance (except for football for the past few years), greek system, and party atmosphere. It was a tradition that was started years ago when St. Patrick's Day fell in the middle of spring break and the bars didn’t want to miss out on the revenue so they decided to celebrate the holiday a few weeks early. Now every year on the Friday of Unofficial everyone on campus (unless you have an exam that day) wakes up at around 7 or 8 AM and begins the drinking marathon that is Unofficial. Many teachers cancel lectures or don't go over anything important since they know that at least 50% of their students are drunk. Of course all of the bars open at around 8 that morning, some even serving green pancakes for breakfast, but the most interesting thing about this day however is that the Police must be out in strong force, arresting drunks, early in the morning.
- thanks to this guy.
and we got mass emails too about how security etc at the dorms are going to increase... a friend told me that last year a korean grad student was on a motorbike with someone, they were both drunk and got killed in an accident. we'll see how things go this friday.
my friend just told me that everyone just goes crazy.. there're already many classes cancelled.. and esp if you have a big lecture.. coz my school has a crapload of fraternities.. so they always take this chance to do stupid stuff.. like she had an exam and suddenly 6 guys ran in stripped and ran around the auditorium and out... profs cant do anything.. hmm.
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