im writing now.. just to keep up signs that i am indeed alive..
but.. i realize i really have nothing to say. i dont want to talk about things here.. coz i just think.. i shouldnt. and i just dont like it. thanks hazel if u're reading this.. for talking.. if not i might just kill myself with all these many million thoughts..
there's so much to say.. but yet nothing to say at all.. i dont even know what im doing man.. all the annoyance, anger, and yet joy and hope.. i dont give a shit what the life over there seems, coz things are very different for me.. here.
sigh. i just really have nothing to say anymore.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
line just told me that confidence doesnt come from proving anything to urself.. but trusting that the Lord has plans for you.. and just.. trusting. i want to write that here coz i dont ever wanna forget that
shit to do:
1) notice
2) jour
3) pack + time
4) go church. yes this also must remember.
5) uni
6) adrian the irritant
7) T
sigh.
shit to do:
1) notice
2) jour
3) pack + time
4) go church. yes this also must remember.
5) uni
6) adrian the irritant
7) T
sigh.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
so.. wow. i have so many thoughts. but i cant write them down.. coz there're things that just cannot be said.. in so many ways.. and i dont like to comment in such a well.. public area.. so there.
fear. fear sucks.
but im damn grateful.
acceptance and understanding is the real challenge.
O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring.
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish.
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd.
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring -- What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer That you are here--that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
walt whitman
in regards to my last post on jan 2.. i would say things have changed. it's not that i feel differently but i've just realised some things.. and.. there's no point thinking so negatively about things and complaining about shit. coz at the end of the day.. when u sign up for something.. u should be ready for all the negatives and shit and accept it as the whole part of the 'package'. and i guess what doesnt break u.. will make u stronger. very lame. but true.
fear. fear sucks.
but im damn grateful.
acceptance and understanding is the real challenge.
O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring.
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish.
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd.
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring -- What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer That you are here--that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
walt whitman
in regards to my last post on jan 2.. i would say things have changed. it's not that i feel differently but i've just realised some things.. and.. there's no point thinking so negatively about things and complaining about shit. coz at the end of the day.. when u sign up for something.. u should be ready for all the negatives and shit and accept it as the whole part of the 'package'. and i guess what doesnt break u.. will make u stronger. very lame. but true.
Monday, January 02, 2006
ok. i actually had a lot of things to say and wanted to type some super long thing.. but i have no time at all.. still gotta pack and finish my stupid apps. and dont even have any time really to _____________________________. fill in the blanks coz i dont even know what they are. i cant even think now. my brains are fried and have sublimed or something. argh i dont care!
anyways one thing i wanted to say is.. the thing now. im most well.. which is bothering me the most. is the definite gender discrimination. my brother said it definitely exists, and guys see the girls as just being quite loserish. in a way i get where he's coming from coz i can be quite sexist sometimes. against my own sex. yes im a bit of an idiot. but im more of a reel life sexist, not a real life sexist. but i am NOT. for example, when there are shows on tv like some stupid reality things i always always support the guy and when the girl wins i get very grrrrr.. coz after they're all like we are female! we must unite against the men! and in my mind, im thinking, please, know ur place.
i know i am such an idiot! o my goodness. but that's because that is just damn idiotic. i wrote a gp essay once on eh.. feminism o yea are women their greatest enemy to achieving equality or something like that. i think it was for promos. and in this case yea. i think it's just all the females unite and girl power thing that pisses me off. but then again guys can be damn arrogant shits too. i dont care if im offending anyone coz IT'S all true, with an equal amount of insults thrown at both sides. so anyway i dont want to be treated like a fool and seen like a joke when im like dying or something but my bro said just get used to it, so ok i will suck it up.
it does piss me off a lot though when guys say girls cannot do this that blah. and shit coz they think they're so united in their testosterone and machoness. but then again girls also say shit like that about guys who are perceived to be much less sensitive and intelligent creatures. i shall not make any personal comments on that.
but i definitely prefer girl friends to guy friends. girl friends are just.. the best really. NOT girlfriends. girl SPACE friends. guys can be friendswith girls. but there's always just something there would prevents them from being close. it's just the gender thing. it's hard to get close coz there's always that bridge. and once u cross it.. there will be trouble. anyway i so digress.
(in ref to the top) SUCH IDIOTS. but i understand. but i dont. and it's still idiotic any way, just like i was. and im pissed argh.
but everyone i know like friends and all i love u i love u i love u!!!!!! well most.. but still FORGIVE ME FOR MY OUTBURST!!!!!!!
you know what. im just gonna go about my own business and do what i have to do. and if i look like a damn idiot or seem like one. that's fine with me. coz i know im more than that. and whatever u think.. UP YOURS man seriously. grrrr.
anyways i promised dee and meixi something.. to take pictures of my hair after i chopchopCHOPED it off a few days ago. so there... whoa my pictures are taking damn long to upload my head must be damn big. full of air man. o my goodness they are still not ready! let me clarify something. i have not become one of those people who aim their cameras at themselves and take shots of their faces at every angle and when they get the perfect shots put them up. no offence to anyone. great for u if that's what u like to do. but it's not what i like to do and i think i better keep the rest of my opinions to myself. this is for dee and meixi and for memory's sake coz i am going to look even shittier.. hahahaaa.. hurray.
o man i seem to have become such a vain shit. but i am not! i just have a terrible OCD, and i must do all angles. just like if i tap on something with my right hand i must do the same number of times with my left and with the same amount of strength or i will always use my fingers to join sticking out polka dot thingies for example those things on like bus faces or walls or whatever and if i miss something i will piss myself off and i must do it again twice in the next round. and shit like that. so yes! ahhhhhhhhhh
sigh. enjoy the rest of the hols man everyone (: take care!
anyways one thing i wanted to say is.. the thing now. im most well.. which is bothering me the most. is the definite gender discrimination. my brother said it definitely exists, and guys see the girls as just being quite loserish. in a way i get where he's coming from coz i can be quite sexist sometimes. against my own sex. yes im a bit of an idiot. but im more of a reel life sexist, not a real life sexist. but i am NOT. for example, when there are shows on tv like some stupid reality things i always always support the guy and when the girl wins i get very grrrrr.. coz after they're all like we are female! we must unite against the men! and in my mind, im thinking, please, know ur place.
i know i am such an idiot! o my goodness. but that's because that is just damn idiotic. i wrote a gp essay once on eh.. feminism o yea are women their greatest enemy to achieving equality or something like that. i think it was for promos. and in this case yea. i think it's just all the females unite and girl power thing that pisses me off. but then again guys can be damn arrogant shits too. i dont care if im offending anyone coz IT'S all true, with an equal amount of insults thrown at both sides. so anyway i dont want to be treated like a fool and seen like a joke when im like dying or something but my bro said just get used to it, so ok i will suck it up.
it does piss me off a lot though when guys say girls cannot do this that blah. and shit coz they think they're so united in their testosterone and machoness. but then again girls also say shit like that about guys who are perceived to be much less sensitive and intelligent creatures. i shall not make any personal comments on that.
but i definitely prefer girl friends to guy friends. girl friends are just.. the best really. NOT girlfriends. girl SPACE friends. guys can be friendswith girls. but there's always just something there would prevents them from being close. it's just the gender thing. it's hard to get close coz there's always that bridge. and once u cross it.. there will be trouble. anyway i so digress.
(in ref to the top) SUCH IDIOTS. but i understand. but i dont. and it's still idiotic any way, just like i was. and im pissed argh.
but everyone i know like friends and all i love u i love u i love u!!!!!! well most.. but still FORGIVE ME FOR MY OUTBURST!!!!!!!
you know what. im just gonna go about my own business and do what i have to do. and if i look like a damn idiot or seem like one. that's fine with me. coz i know im more than that. and whatever u think.. UP YOURS man seriously. grrrr.
anyways i promised dee and meixi something.. to take pictures of my hair after i chopchopCHOPED it off a few days ago. so there... whoa my pictures are taking damn long to upload my head must be damn big. full of air man. o my goodness they are still not ready! let me clarify something. i have not become one of those people who aim their cameras at themselves and take shots of their faces at every angle and when they get the perfect shots put them up. no offence to anyone. great for u if that's what u like to do. but it's not what i like to do and i think i better keep the rest of my opinions to myself. this is for dee and meixi and for memory's sake coz i am going to look even shittier.. hahahaaa.. hurray.
o man i seem to have become such a vain shit. but i am not! i just have a terrible OCD, and i must do all angles. just like if i tap on something with my right hand i must do the same number of times with my left and with the same amount of strength or i will always use my fingers to join sticking out polka dot thingies for example those things on like bus faces or walls or whatever and if i miss something i will piss myself off and i must do it again twice in the next round. and shit like that. so yes! ahhhhhhhhhh
sigh. enjoy the rest of the hols man everyone (: take care!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
i wanted to talk about a lot of things.. but i dont want to anymore.
i think im getting sick. shit man. my throat is damn pain. please pray for me.
shit. of all times. really.
just in a damn crappy mood today. the day has been bad. the week has been bad. i wish i could rewind to the start of this week and make different choices.. maybe even 1 year.. 2 years.. things would have been so DAMN different.
i dont think i can ever leave it behind. it's something which will stick with me forever and never leave. shit man. i really hate saying shit nowadays coz i realise how idiotic i sound but i just cant find any other way to convey.. my anger and annoyance.
:(
i think im getting sick. shit man. my throat is damn pain. please pray for me.
shit. of all times. really.
just in a damn crappy mood today. the day has been bad. the week has been bad. i wish i could rewind to the start of this week and make different choices.. maybe even 1 year.. 2 years.. things would have been so DAMN different.
i dont think i can ever leave it behind. it's something which will stick with me forever and never leave. shit man. i really hate saying shit nowadays coz i realise how idiotic i sound but i just cant find any other way to convey.. my anger and annoyance.
:(
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