i dont know what to put here.

2008-01-05T21:18:00.000+08:00

have moved. email for new add.

2007-12-28T06:50:00.001+08:00

i should get rid of this blog.

---

2007-12-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

im watching a show where this girl is describing her journey to india alone... but it just got too slightly ridiculous to take... apparently she hired a female guide for the entire week to just bring her around etc... but last min they called and said they could only provide a guy... so she decided to bring a crapload of long pants... long sleeved stuff etc... and... at the end of this long explanation she said, in expectation of a 'wow!' reaction or some shit

i didnt even bring any comestics!!!

ok this whole story sounds damn ridiculous coz i am translating it from some chinese vid i found in the most watched entertainment section of youtube...

but MAN. which idiot brings freaking makeup if u're freaking planning to backpack or something!?!

sigh.

-

2007-10-31T17:24:00.000+08:00

"Do you not recognize that that is a blessing from God?

That misery is God screaming out at you that all these things are worthless and you need Christ."

root of all evil

2007-10-20T03:46:00.000+08:00

got a shock today when i was withdrawing cash
checked out the receipt and seems like somehow over night my account somehow decreased by a thousand bucks.
quickly got home. checked my account online.
found out mostly it's coz cheques made out for my apt now and for next year were banked in...

and i dont know. the point im trying to make is...
it bothers me when the money supply keeps dwindling and all of a sudden too.
i used to think i didnt give a shit about money coz i hardly spent anyway
but i think this is one of those instances when u realize that
u're not longer a kid.

not in the sense that caring about how much u have left in the bank gives u an automatic right to "become matured" overnight
coz that's freaking damn bullshit.
but. like. u just really gotta take on much more responsibility.
for yourself and others.
and i think that's one thing i've really realised a lot over here when the dependcy (is there such a word) factor kinda leaves.

and it's not just money. but now. it's the money that im earning.
not that i would not feel guilty about spending my parents money.
but you do think a lot more. when you have to proportion it out.
and am forced to take note of how much u're spending here and there.
if not u'd have none left to pay for bills... etc...

i would still say money is freaking bullshit.
i would like to say i completely dont care...
but i cant. coz the reality of this world draws you in.
people have been giving me stress telling me that my salary will be based on the kind of degree i get.
which is true. but which really sucks and i just wanna tell them to shut the hell up.

so that's what it is.
cash is just cash.
and life shall go on as i want to. but just a check on finances now and then.
actually my point was that that moment of "shit what the hell. 1000 bucks gone where" kinda was one of those instances where you realise u've stepped over that border of no longer being a kid anymore. whether you like it or not.
but apprently i kinda drifted away from the topic...

shit. i dont think i expressed what i wanted to express.
sigh.
i guess at the end of the day i just want enough to be self sufficient.
am going to support myself dammit.
and give some to __________. yeah.

on a different note.
i freaking hate it when some girls depend on guys for everything.
it's disgusting and makes me sick.

ok.
GO WATCH THE MOVIE PEOPLE!

WATCH THIS.

2007-10-19T14:10:00.000+08:00

some asshole left some porn shit on my chatterbox.
but screw it. that is not enough to... prevent me from being happy tonight.

what a week of suffering man.
seriously i think uni is more tiring than o--f----. the latter isnt really. coz. adrenaline man. just sian. but. phwoar. im exhausted.

haven blogged for damn long. and have a lot to say. but dont want to. haa.
just wanted to ask everyone to watch this movie. not sure if it's showing in SG or UK or wherever. but when it comes out/if it's out. do yourself a favour and catch it.

dammit im trying to find the link coz the title is quite complicated and i dont wanna get it wrong but my wireless KEEPS DYING ON ME. sigh. single floor apt man! cant wait. hehhh. ok if im willing to go downstairs just to post this one entry... this movie is definitely worth it. am nt easily pleased!

ok that's it.
Tyler Perry's why did i get married

it's just... a good show. go catch it.

cant wait for the days of checking the shoe area for clue of certain presences to be over... HEH.

-

2007-09-30T07:13:00.000+08:00

there's nothing that irks me more than seeing/hearing people flirt.
it just fills me with disgust.
i dont know why.

since when has society become so open.
or am i just being left way behind.

happyyyyyyyyyy.

2007-09-29T03:50:00.000+08:00

OMG IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!!
OVER SOMETHING SOOOOO SOOOOOO SMALLLLLLLLLLLLLL...
BUT YET IT MEANS SO MUCH!!!!!!

i cant believe i finally mustered up some courage.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why does the word mustered look weird?!?! or is it mastered?!?! crapppp i dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the moment i stepped out onto the quad...
just wanted to jump and shout and scream and smile like a piece of crap..
but couldnttttttttt. had to blend in with normal students who raise discussion points normally.

SO I"LL DO IT HERE!!!!!
YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh im such an idiot such an idiot but dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLEURGH

2007-09-27T11:35:00.000+08:00

i swear never to cook ever again.
or eat again.
i dont think i could touch food again ever.
MAN. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

goodsense stomach relief is the WORST SHIT ive tasted in my life. MAN. appearances are deceiving.
it looks like some nice pink colour (actually that should be the first sign of suspicion...)
and it smells like rootbeer...
but when u put that shit into your mouth and it flows down ur throat...

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like puking even more.

STOMACH RELIEF?!?!
I will be DAMN RELIEVED when im done drinking this crap. 2 tablespoons every half hour interval for freaking FOUR HOURS!!!!
noooooooooooo.....
and i am turning into a whinny piece of crap.
noooooooooooooooooo...

all right... i feel it rising... off to puke again...

book

2007-09-24T08:22:00.000+08:00

a book to reccomend...

still aliv- by ruth klug-r
(sorry bout the hyphens. do not wanna be googled and am applying primitive IT knowledge. replace - with e)

it arouses a... spectrum of emotions let's just put it this way.
and not just sentimental bullshit. which the author hates.
but at the same time... you dont just blindly accept what she says.
but question it. some of her words might... for the lack of a better word... annoy you. but... it's just a very very honest and insightful read...

and i dont think ive been so... emotional at the end of it as i have been by any other.
not only because she talks of her persecution with regards to being a Jew and the holocaust.
there's no sympathy involved here.
but the epilogue. speaking as a human being here.
just makes you feel sad.

:(:(:(

2007-09-22T21:41:00.001+08:00

am dead. am really really dead.
more sad actually. sigh. how.

please. let it work out. :(

-

2007-09-21T10:25:00.000+08:00

i hate comas.

thoughts at 430 in the morn...

2007-09-19T17:26:00.000+08:00

i realise that im an ass for when i choose to bring up the past.
or hang on to it in ____-____ and even though self is refusing to let go still end up shifting the blame.
u only become a victim of yourself?
maybe sometimes.

so yeah. we all gotta move on. so... move on it is.

best western ive seen

2007-09-17T00:58:00.000+08:00

3:10 to yuma is one of the best movies ive watched in a damn long time.

when i was young i used to be very on about action movies... having a brother and all.
but my taste has turned a bit grandmotherish as ive grown older... into documentaries and sentimental meaningful weird stuff.

but wow. i really liked this show... weird coz it's a western... but there's damn good action. and of course... that sentimental bit. but my male er... counterparts werent as impressed as i was. weird. so i guess that means... girls go check it out!!!! not sure if it's opened in sg though... ok shafy go check it out! hahaa (:

if you wanna talk screen presence... christian bale is the man to look for.

bloody fools.

2007-09-15T04:18:00.001+08:00

racism wil always be present.
was gonna delve into some more bullshit.
wait is that even how you spell delve. or is there such a word. or is it dive. let's check out dictionary.com
o right delve is a word indeed. i guess it's 1 of those words you say way more than you write.

BUT anyway. yeah.
i just... i cannot tolerate... racist fools.

you know. i can reach out my hand and laugh and hide like a bloody idiot
and im damn sure i can outslam you and your stapler dammit.

sigh. pissed off like hell. but... for what?
i really am an idiot.

cook cook cook!!!!!!

2007-09-14T09:28:00.001+08:00

MY NEW AMBITION IS TO BE A DAMN GOOD COOK!!!!!

cooked for the first time in my life 2 days ago on my own directions...
noodle... ok fine instant mee... BUT with cabbage bought from last sat from farmers' market.. (SHIT! it feels damn good to be housewifeish) fresh from the fields of illinois! and chicken which i bought from walmart!! AH HA HA!!!!
BUT it was bland as hell. dunno why.

but i tried again today. and... AHH!! CAN MAKE IT!!!!!!!!

getting my mother to rapidly email me recipes.
sigh. damn. freaking domesticated man.
but somehow am... liking it...
now if only...

hahahahahahaaaa

sigh. i am retarded.

COOK COOK COOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i gather some guts... things might be looking up...

Your dating personality profile:

Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.
Traditional - Modern culture does not move you. You hold traditional values dear to your heart.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Intellectual
2. Traditional
3. Big-Hearted
4. Wealthy/Ambitious
5. Shy
6. Religious
7. Liberal
8. Romantic
9. Sensual
10. Practical

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Practical
3. Shy
4. Funny
5. Conservative
6. Traditional
7. Intellectual
8. Big-Hearted
9. Athletic
10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

the best example of irony

2007-09-08T11:13:00.000+08:00

i was trying to get some slp yesterday night when someone msged me at 245 and asked me how things were going and what's up for the weekend.

i told person in question what i was going to be doing... which im pretty happy about... other than having a shitload of things to catch up on now.. was gonna be doing some stuff with friends.. going to this farmer's market thing... which i think is damn cool with friends i havent caught up with in some time... and then catch a film and have dinner at this great place... and for once... im kinda genuinely looking forward to the weekend not just for a break from school.

but when i got the reply... person said... that it didnt "sound very refreshing or productive... you know what i think? you should really do more of what you want to do rather than what other people want you to do. party hard for a change... get drunk and have some fun with friends."

i was really kinda surprised. and it really did annoy me a bit... i dont want to elaborate further other than... there's a shitload of irony in there.

-----------------------------

i actually kinda enjoyed myself today. maybe things might be looking up.
-----------------------------

am listening to a song and there's a line that goes

zai wo xin shang yong li de kai yi qiang

meaning like... shoot my heart damn freaking hard. hahaa...
but i dont know... i just love that line. love it.

i really love how chinese can just really... express things...
wish mine was better.

mu

2007-09-07T09:58:00.000+08:00

just so happened to come across this yesterday
it's hilarious. ronan keating just kills me.
but... i love it.
have a soft spot for boyzone...
and anything old school man. damn classic :D

remember when i first saw this vid.
during some excursion in pri sch to some library to do some funny IT thing.
i think that was the first time i realised guys existed for some reason (not thanks to the vid) coz before my bro didnt count.
scary shit.
but ahhhhh... what memories...
we really are getting old.

it shows

2007-09-06T10:59:00.000+08:00

sometimes you wonder whether you're being a bit harsh

but when shit hits the fan
true feelings are really shown
that selfishness
and unfortunately you were right

so why is there still disappointment
man. things are just so damn superficial.

no puke

2007-09-06T08:16:00.000+08:00

overheard someone saying
"the spider weaved a few eggs in my leg"
today when i was eating.

prob too much food in her mouth and too mch crap in my ears
but shit i think that's one of the most disgusting things i've heard ever.
i know it's only a spider. and eggs. and like a body part.
but that's a freaking damn lethal combination...

eeeeeeyyyyyyyerrrrrrrr arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

bought the chair and it cost me 20 more than the original price DAMMIT.
actually in sg terms it's bout 30 bucks more.... shit. :(

nike lied

2007-09-05T08:17:00.001+08:00

the term ahead looks impossible.

T square.

2007-09-04T05:14:00.000+08:00

im watching an american pbs frontline documentary on the tiananmen square incident.
which of course produced the famous picture of that one chinese guy apparently standing in defiance in front of the tanks.

and all i can think is...
you know people kinda tend to believe what they hear...
that's how propaganda works.
and often from such a one-sided point of view.
but the world is so damn retarded and human beings stupid as hell
that it often isn that way.
im not saying that nothing happened and it's all bullshit
coz it's a clear violation of human rights..
but i just dont really kinda favour the approach given to it... or any other thing for that matter.

so im hearing in this documentary... well... it is american.
things like... he must have been thinking... he must have said this...
and... i dont know man...
have become extremely cynical and er... unbelieving in the things people say (or so i say now. bet im still naive as crap). there's such a thin line drawn between fact and personal opinion... YES. that's it. it's human nature to put things across how you want it to be... no matter how much u pride urself on being objective.

crap i dont know how to put my thoughts across.
GAH.
actually. i think the best selfish thing to do is
not give a shit. not give a shit and ur world will be a better place.
or maybe... give a shit when u can do something about it.
but those are 2 screwed up responses too...
to give a shit or not!!!!
i think yes... but maybe under the control of emotions and without thinking bout crap like this day and night.
okok we must.

just looked at my schedule for the semester ahead
it's crazy. crazy crazy. very disgusting indeed. i really need to study abroad.
ahhh.
screwed man.

--------------------------------------------

DAMMIT THE CHAIR I'VE BEEN WANTING TO BUY FOR 2 WEEKS BUT HAVENT DUE TO PROCRASTINATION HAS INCREASED BY FREAKING 20 USD!!!!!!!!!
)!@(&(!*@$)!@#*_!
i think i'll just lie on my floor and study/use my laptop for the rest of my time overseas.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
DUN PROCRASTINATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wah lao. im damn... cik kek man.
u know that singaporean expression.
but i just dont know how to type it out.
like dialect for damn annoyed or something.

sometimes i think i really should cut back on all my singaporean slangs...
too many wah laos and stuff.
and maybe cut back on more... eh.. for lack of a better word. unlady like terms like screwed and shit and hell and things like that... which i try to replace with crap when im typing. but actually... im thinking of something else.
coz it makes everything sound so... bad.

but i cant! coz the expression is just different.
all right. unladylike it shall be.
dont think anyone expects the opposite anyway.

-

2007-09-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

it's the small things that matter.
it's so like... mixed and disappointing and... effortless.
not in the sense that it's easy. but in the sense that... no effort will make a difference.
which ends up making one a fool.
waiting out.
a complete fool.

i have the itch to blog at times...
coz you just need to get some crap out.
but i hate it.
coz if there's nothing positive to say i really should just shut the hell up.

das

2007-09-03T08:28:00.000+08:00

before...

kinda after... minus eh... a printer and bin... and small mess...

yeah it's massive. to me at least. but...
it's pretty cold angry confused... yet comforting.
-----------------------------

really dun know what to do.

0302

2007-08-31T10:30:00.001+08:00

what's wrong with me.

im supposed to reading a damn long article on anti-semitism and taking down notes
or going pit pat pit pat like hell.
and all i can do is think about the army and my buddies i miss
and listen to weird songs like xin bu liao qing.
wl... you have to stop being such an ass.

sometimes when i browse back to the shit i wrote in the past
i feel like giving myself a 1x good slap for being such an immature childish fool.
but then i guess things haven changed.
sometimes i walk alone..
taking in all the sights...
and think how 'far' ive come in life.. never for the life of me would i have expected
on the first freaking day i stepped into vj. the first time i'd seen so many guys in my life
and that scared the shit out of me
that i'd be doing what i am today.
and boy did i have people betting against me even going anywhere.
xin bu liao qing has to stop for a while. i cant multi task right now.

sigh. i realised that my blog suddenly comes to a halt for the long period of time i was in service.
there're so many things i want to say
so many people i want to see again whom i really miss
so many people i hope who are doing well...
but here i am stuck in my room listening to xin bu liao qing and typing this shit.
which is really really crap coz i dont know what im saying.
all i know is that im trying to fill up the time between deciding whether i should take a nap...
or read bout anti-semitism.
...
actually im lying to myself. it's whether i should take a nap or listen to more xin bu liao qing.
...
MAN! get a grip please.

my mind isnt here. it keeps drifting back to the a--y. why. why why why.
i wish i didnt think so much.
it kills me.
and it's a damn horrific murder.

my 0302 sect mates... i miss u guys so much all of a sudden.
i hate it. absolutely hate it sometimes when ppl talk about the a--y in such emotional terms because it's a profession... there's no place to be a cauldron of bubbling mixed emotions...
but... i cant help it.
you gave me an experience that... really was pretty life changing.
thanks.
any shit that came along or will come along...
it'll all be more than worth it.

dvds

2007-08-29T06:10:00.000+08:00

why. why cant people just return their dvds on time.
the world would be a much better place...
ARGH.

love actually is a very feel good movie.
it does a bit of magic to your spirits...
i dont know why people are so into the whole 'to me you are perfect'
i mean i get it... but....
i still like the one with the portuguese girl.
makes you feel like learning portuguese.
but that is besides the point.
learning a language is so much more than a feeling...

anyway
check out www.duckzbunny.blogspot.com . they've got a lot more nice stuff.
you can get something for yourself... your sister... girlfriend... boyfriend... whatever it is...
OK?? :D
affirmative
fantastic.

i hate human beings.

2007-08-26T03:37:00.000+08:00

just emailed a couple of people... so i wont say so much here... it's difficult to.

things have been... really busy since i moved back onto campus... moving into my new apartment... and classes are not going my way... things were ok at first... maybe even shockingly not bad... now... for certain reasons i just feel a huge void

and at the moment due to a certain incident im incredibly pissed off. but i have a right to settle this. and i will try to assert it.

was in class yesterday and something the prof said rang extremely true... he said... people (meaning people in the developed world... mainly the west) always try to settle the 'problems' of those in the third world... but yet they never ever ask these people whether they want that help or what kinda help them want. i really really couldnt agree more... it's like treating them like objects. these pitiful objects. but no. they are living breathing human beings just like you and me. just because they're in conditions which are 'worse' (ok admittedly a genocidical condition is downright tragic but im not talking about that here) doesn mean it's for us to judge what is good and bad. and it does not further mean that we can view them as things to be helped. and not as human beings of equal intelligence. but jsut a different culture. OK?! GOT THAT?

dammit. i dont know. people are disgusting. we are disgusting.

my prof was talking about the environmental problems and such... (the first lecture i attended i felt like a total dope. half the time i didnt even know what the hell he was talking abt. seriously think im just not cut out for this studying stuff.) and he said... what we need is LESS technology and science.. (which people keep 'inventing' to solve what are essentially the problems of humanity) but more social responsibility and political voice... shit i really couldnt agree more.

sigh. why. why why why. why is the world such an ugly place and people so flawed. can you tell me.

shit

2007-08-25T12:47:00.001+08:00

i hate the feeling that i cant feel at ease in my own apartment.

but what i hate even more is guys who treat girls like a piece of property and downright shit. dammit!

dead

2007-08-22T11:32:00.001+08:00

im so tired. so tired that if you put shit in front of me i would eat it not knowing that it was shit.
that's how tired i am. too tired to come up with something witty to say. something tasteful to say.
and instead i end up turning into some crass crude person.
but i dont care. coz im tired.

yes lynette! i will blog soon! and reply u!
hahaa so exciting.
in the meantime... yes i am still very much alive.

jealous kind

2007-08-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

i built another temple to a stranger
i gave away my heart to the rushing wind
i set my course to run right into danger
i sought the company of fools instead of friends

you know i've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
i chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
i'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover i don't understand
'cause i don't understand

love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if i should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride

love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

---------------------------------------------------------

im so grateful mel lent me the jars of clay cd... what's it called again.. er...
o yeah who we are instead. i really... really like their songs and everything rings so true... im not very into music. and in fact it pisses me off at times. but if there's a cd to get. it's that.

i feel like typing a really really long post on any shit i want to say but yet i dont feel like coz im in an extremely uncomfortable position. yes im even talking about insignificant minute dumb details like this. coz i just want to type. i want to see whether at the end of this all... i can kinda see the 'big picture'. or whatever deep shit im trying to see. but seeing that i just used the phrase deep shit. i dont think im gonna get very far here. i dont care. my fingers are just gonna move. move move move. and im gonna change the filter to become more permeable. yeah man. semi permeable is out!

--------------------------------------------

first thing that comes to mind... is God. i really... dislike. talking about this issue... coz it's such a touchy sensitive subject. something so straightforward has just produced a crapload of grey areas coz we as humans mess up so many things because of our own selfish thoughts and needs.

but the honest truth is i think ive fallen away damn freaking far. and a long time ago. crappppppppp hahaaa... im starting to think i shouldnt go on anymore... but... IT"S OK. i wont say too much. sigh. dont worry wl. this is ok... ahhhhhh... inner voice speaking man. but anyways. yeah. so much so that... ive just become so consumed with my own stupid selfish rocky life... yes occassionally i wonder. in the states... there've been times when i was really. really in need... and... something. i dont know if it's God. but something which happened for a while... just vanished. disappeared. as fast as it came. shit i could go on and on... but ok man. i shall put my fantastic summarizing and filtering skills to work. woohoo.

the truth is... i think i really dont know how to believe. and i have no faith. that was difficult to type. but i really think i have no faith. since coming back to sg... esp of recent. there've been a number of people who just... suddenly... out of the blue started talking to me about this... and it all started in camp. i dont know why. maybe i have some unGodly glow about me. hahaa. and damn. that would suck bad.

im damn cynical about churches i think. because. im totally disappointed in the behavior of people and prob myself. some idiot to call myself a christian. and... it's just difficult to progress from there. i dont know how to elaborate further. there're so many things which... i feel like i see it another way. and i dont know whether it's because of all these unGodly characteristics building up within. is it? i know i will never be able to jump up and down and raise my hands in praise... i think. i know that im freaking passive. there're so many characteristics of a strong christian that... bewilder me. and i can never be.

yesterday was an off day in camp. and i went back. and a friend there was talking to me about this... and... i dont know. things like that mean a lot to me... im not gonna elaborate further. hahaa suddenly im at a loss of words. there's so much more to say. but i dont really know what to type anymore.

there's been something ive been thinking about... and i think there've been signs. but my selfish.. human longings and needs is putting it away. i think. i dont know. sigh. i think that song kinda describes what i feel... but. difference being i think i have no heart to give away. dammit.

ill always remember something my dad said. that... things will be very different when you really believe. your life will take a 180 degrees change. your perspective will change. and all the small, minute insignificant details of life... all these disgusting things that humans do... they wont matter anymore. i think i still believe that's true. and if it is. i cannot... cannot wait for it to happen. but i dont know how.

----------------------------------------------------------

i dont know whether im going to be able to go on talking about something else after that. but i shall try. this one even more sensitive. hahahaaa but in a different way. so... heh. chopchop.

my 10 (and more) working weeks have been... very very very interesting... ok suddenly i dont know what more to say. by right. my life since last jan... has gone through a lot of change... well of a different kind... i think. and there should be a shitload of things to talk about. to blog about. but i just refuse to. refuse refuse refuse. for reasons. but... let's see... ive learnt a lot. during the past 2 1/2 months. wow. that's it. i just cant say anymore. all the good and bad. it's just too personal. but i will say... that i love what i do. it scares the shit out of me for some reasons... but i really... really hope i can ________ people here... i really hope i can do something.

the people ive met... i think i put a lot of emotions into everything i do... am very guided by that... dont know if its good or bad.. but im just gonna be myself and do and think the way i feel is right. im sick of people telling me i should be this way and that... im not gonna listen to anymore of this bullshit.

hahaa this was huge to me... but wow. that's it. i cant say anything more coz it means too much.

-----------------------------------------------------------

my time in the states seems so far away. so long ago. that honestly i cant remember much about it. and it's difficult to talk about. so i guess we'll leave it at that.

----------------------------------------------------------

i love singapore.
like. really. this country holds so many memories and all man.
watching ndp... ok im not very into the 'show' stuff cept the cute starfish which were flapping their arms about... quite interestingly... and the i dont know... the seahorse guy... or sealion... o right. lionfish or something. wah lao if i were his parents i would be freaking proud of my son. apart from the slightly scary outfit and makeup.

there's really no other place i want to me. it reall really bewilders me how people can go overseas... and not want to come home? but i guess to each his/her own.

on an unrelated note. if you really want to make a difference. you can do it in everyday life. to the people around you. or in ways which even though are not necessarily seen, you know, that you're making a difference. you know... pictures of all these ________ ________. i'll always feel its an exploitation. but people exploit it further ourselves. for our own good. and it sickens me even more.

---------------------------------------------------------

you know sometimes the loneliness gets to you.

---------------------------------------------------------

i think i had a lot more to say. but i dont care. basically just gonna say that... i really... really (insert four letter l word which i just cant say/type) and appreciate every single one of my friends... and every single second spent together in this increasing humid island...

you're not judged. the only one judging you is yourself.

so thanks guys/girls. im not expressive at all but it all means a shitload to me. any small meeting...

i hate myself for being an ass. at times. when i dont meet up or whatever. but... i dont not coz i cant be bothered. but there are reasons. but ive been trying to be less of an ass... and i hope its been working out.

i think i've let people down... a lot... coz the truth of the matter is that im a coward. and i really. really apologise...

i'll really miss all of you when i go back...

-------------------------

i want a one week break from the world from whatever freaking bullshit.
i think a lot of people would appreciate that.
a pity it's impossible.

and suddenly i just feel so _______.
shit man. shit.

gah.

2007-08-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

it's really difficult to blog.
coz you cant really say what you want to say.
and of course it's your problem for even setting up this weird thing and wanting to say whatever you wanna say in the first place and yet later complaining that you cant.

coz... brutal honesty is quite impossible...
you cant really reveal ur true thoughts with the knowledge that this is not private.
so more or less everything that comes out has gotta go through some filter.
and there are differences in filters too.
there's the... i really dont want people to know what im completely talking about so im just gonna leave out some shit/exclude some shit filter... through which posts usually come out more choppy and not so understandable.. but there's the other filter where... i actually want people to think that im being revealing and brutally honest and baring my soul to the world and if they want to judge me. they will. and of course they are going to judge me to be a person of excellent character because im being oh so 'brutally honest'. which leads to freaking contrived shit.

but there're prob other categories. but i cant be bothered to think or type something nice now. ive been wanting to blog bout a lot of things. but not really sure what to say. which ends up in me not saying anything. sigh. shit.

i dont know if im being too cynical. or even like... __________. but... u know. just screw it. i honestly think maybe im a person of not so good character or misguided in some way to think of things in this bs way. but. we'll see la. this kinda leads to something else i wanted to say... but shall just stop here first.

humans

2007-08-09T10:34:00.000+08:00

is it in human nature to just...
not be able to shut up about things.

you know how the bible speaks about...
men doing things... which need only be recognized by God
but not by the whole world...
unfortunately that's not how majority of humans work
coz they want some recognition...
and up comes this dramatic story with deliberate attempts to construct it.

it sickens me to death.

disgusting shit

s

2007-08-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

hahaa.
suddenly i feel so damn bloody stupid.
haa.. yeah.

really stupid you know?
hahaa really really dumb.

-

2007-08-08T19:33:00.000+08:00

a coward who keeps disappointing.

come back...

2007-08-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

stressed.
there're just too many things to do in 2 weeks.
it's impossible.
no it's possible.
but. ultimately...
shit. sigh.

yo pau i wrote the story myself.
and yes alcohol sucks no matter what.
i just cannot stand a single drop of that crap.
it's disgusting.
im way happier being a nerd and even drinking milk or something.

yes nette. potter. i need to go draw up a schedule of sorts of what to do...

hahaa i dont know why the approach keeps coming from the wrong directions.
as hilarious as it is it's freaking saddening.
there must be some weird vibe. or aura.
MAN. suay la. FREAKING SUAY.

sometimes i dont know why i bother.
it's impossible.
because the others are so so colorful...
and... then there's the matter of that... uncertainty.
and time and distance.
hahaa. am i interpreting things wrongly?
detachment is a cruel thing.

you know.
on an unrelated note.
si nian shi yi zhong bing.

triceratops

2007-07-28T00:09:00.000+08:00

tired. just very very tired.

really dont want to go back to the states now.
for many many reasons.
sigh.

was just thinking bout this.
once upon a time... there lived some tyranasaurus rexes, some brontosauruses, and some triceratops. all of which im sure i have spelt wrongly.
the triceratops was supposed to belong to the brontosauruses (in my story).
but no. somehow. this particular one was a completely different species.
and so it grew up awkwardly.
while the borntosauruses matured in all their elegance with their long, slender necks, chomping on freaking coconut leaves... all the triceratop had to show for its outward maturation was the growing of horns and increasing size, chomping on...

unfortunately. before i can even contemplate the next line...
the triceratop has died of an internal wound to its heart.
but the tyranasaurus rexes had always assumed that its hard, 'armoured', garang exterior was inpenetrable. and while they would accompany the brontosauruses on their journey back home to the caves after a splash in the sea, they had always left the triceratop alone to navigate and topo its way back to checkpoint H.
when the triceratop died. they just assumed it was hibernating.

and so the triceratop became extinct.

(:

2007-07-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

the thing about sensitivity.
it has as many advantages as it does disadvantages.

i realised im freaking easily pleased.
and touched.
by the smallest, weirdest things.
which then proceed to keep me up all night long.
resulting in a slightly cranky mood the next day.
til the cycle repeats itself.

dee if you're reading this you're missed!
hope all is well.

alcohol tastes like serious shit.

2007-07-22T11:14:00.000+08:00

yesterday was good.
if you have daughters send them to mg.
there is some shit. but if you stay on the right path...
it's a damn freaking good education on life
and you meet the best people.
you can not meet up for 2/3 years and nothing changes.
for example.
the geniuses so are freaking knowledgeable and intelligent still remain quite the opposite in everyday life.
haa.

apparently judging from this morning's results. or lack thereof.
i might not be allergic to alcohol afterall.... dammit.
either it was too meagre an amount. (which is already a massive x 1000000000000000 understatement)
or. on that extremely eventful night 2-3 years ago,
manda and i were both having the same dream.

seriously. how do people drink this crap.
just dont get it.

-

2007-07-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

was looking at some photos just now...
kinda realised how damn shitty people become as we age and how much crappier the world is despite any illusions about the how we have matured with wisdom and emotional intelligence and whatever other delusions we might have.
it's just freaking disgusting.
all worries and concerns now are just so full of it.
things which made me sick.. make me even sicker.

it's not holding onto the past and refusing to let go...
it's more... going back and kinda just embracing that 'goodness' again.
suddenly everything that seemed to matter recently.. can just take a backseat.
you realise you cant just settle for the next best thing. just because.
there's gotta be something more than that.

i swear my sis was the cutest kid ever.
so.. hm. what happened huh.
and. wow.
how my bro's 'love and affection' for his siblings has changed

hehhh

2007-07-13T22:20:00.000+08:00

having nothing to do.. makes one miserable.
it seems so different... dont know why.
is it the anatomy thing or what man.

i hate all these freaking retarded facades
and over dramaticism.
although i doubt there's such a word
but i dont care
im gonna spell as i like
and say things as simply as i like
coz im a simple person
dont need to put in all this flowery language
and all that shit.
seriously give me a break.

and nette..
i think i update you also dont know what im talking about right.
hahahaaaa.
nvm. we can discuss this again over a walk in ecp.
with emphasis being walk

gah

2007-07-02T00:03:00.000+08:00

suddenly i just feel like punching someone.
bang bang bang.

im not terribly musically inclined.
but man. paul McCartney's "this never happened before"
i remember i first heard it during that film.. lakehouse
when reeves and bullock were dancing
and it's one of those songs which really arent that great..
and rather annoying at first
but then. it sticks in ur mind.
and now it's like. mind blowing.
and im talking like some bimbotic piece of crap.
but i dont care.
coz i just want to type.
type type type.
if i dont type i might punch someone.
so the former is definitely better.
right?
WRONG!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im tired.
tired.
really.

it's been a very very interesting 5 weeks.
but im not going to really talk about it.
coz i dont like to talk about it.
there're so damn many grey areas
and when one is passionate about something..
those feelings are damn unexpressible. inexpressible?
is there every such a word?
gah i dont care.
im just tired.

this never happened before!!!!

and i might not be the most assertive person on earth...
but dont mess with me.
im not stupid.
if the situation calls for some eyeball digging..
I"LL DO IT. I SWEAR.

dont look back in anger!!!!!! i heard you say

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
get on with it WL....
*trip over snail
and stab self with bayonet.
and while we're on this topic... how the HELL do you lose a freaking bayonet?
MAN. i dont get it.

yes im gonna start a revolution from my bed!!!!!!!

here's to a blardy good week ahead.
let's all drink to that.
ya.
chocolate milk man.
freaking milkmaid choc milk.

-

2007-06-29T18:22:00.000+08:00

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shit.

lone cherry

2007-06-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh........
the 'sweet' taste of the R
which actually never had any possibility of existing

why is it that what actually comes knocking..
is just freaking weird.
why.

i need to learn to keep my emotions and pride in check
when people dont take me seriously.

heartbreaking.

2007-06-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

haa.
the cruelty of it all...
heartbreakingly so...

sigh.
maybe it's... just been so long.

hahaa.
what a fantasy.
a lesson in the dangers of idealism
and how everything is not meant to be ever.
:(

50 cents was all it took.

2007-06-23T21:37:00.000+08:00

thank God for the invention of dispensers.
red alert.
saved the day man.
they are my new favourite machines.

why's it still on my mind?
but i dont dare to do anything about it... no way.
am getting a small whiff of the torture.
i wonder if it's possible for 2 completely different entities... to merge.

i guess keeping those links are way more important than any more neurotic concerns.
right?

i knew i was right somewhere in there...
it's just such a damn shitty situation and mindset that cant be reversed...
which i need to just pull away and separate myself from.

seahorse

2007-06-22T22:09:00.000+08:00

at the end of the day...
i really love what i do.
this reaffirmation has been rejuvenating...

they still exist.
but it doesn matter.
superficial things can be worked on.
right.

we're getting there slowly

help

2007-06-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

am trying to remove myself from search engines...
bao en the code thing doesnt work.
have edited posts and taken my name away...
but crap. still doesnt work.
help? someone?
if not im prob gonna re-do this.

KB

2007-06-09T10:51:00.000+08:00

i wonder how many ------- one can take
there has to be a limit right
am on a damn good path to finding out the answer to this sickening question.

but the bigger one is why do i even give so much of a shit?
is it an internal or external factor
shit

i understand her transformation now
it seems almost inevitable
am kinda heading down the same path...
minus that particular vice

blah

2007-06-05T22:49:00.000+08:00

im gonna be staying in camp... so just call/msg me if anything. anything. got a new cameraless phone which is working perfectly... i swear i will reply.

so.. contact me that way. thanks.

apologies

2007-05-31T13:40:00.001+08:00

theres nothing more that can be said.

too many apologies have been made.
but it's all useless.
it means zilch if there was even a need for it in the first place.

maybe ill be back when there's difference.
i dont know.

an interesting 3 days... which i shall not talk about here.
it's gonna be a whole different ballgame
we'll see.

.

2007-05-24T19:09:00.000+08:00

lameass mediacorp chinese shows always have those scenes where this person who's upset or pissed goes to the sea or railway tracks or some shit with his/her best friend and the idiot asks him/her to yell out really loud.. shout his/her head off to vent whatever crap.
and the person goes... zhen de. ke yi ma. or some crap like that.
and 'best' friend goes. ke yi. ni shi yi shi! again. some crap like that.

so the person gives out this freaking pathetic yelp.
like ahhhh.. especially if its a frail female. and she says wow. shu fu duo le. or something. and gives best friend a hug. or falls into her best friend's arms to cry.

but anyway the point is. although this scene will always remain lame beyond doubt
i feel like shouting out damn loudly now.
just a gut feeling.
which i can only release in short, intermittent 'rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' or 'arghhhhhhhhhhhhhs' in sparing a thought for neighbors.
so yeah. maybe those chinese shows are not so lameass after all.
maybe they do have a point.

take it.
dead.
really.
gone.

i could ahhhhhhhhh here. but have realised virtual ahhs dont work. they serve a very much different purpose. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. type type type. distraction you know. distract. distract distract. for what? procrastination. self-defence. but yet it has a very damn bloody tragic stupid irony.

SHIT.

shearer 'holiday'

2007-05-24T12:13:00.000+08:00

stop - 00:28

dead.

this title shit is pissing me off

2007-05-21T11:08:00.000+08:00

you know someone who appears charismatic...
somehow has these special qualities..
and although there are negative attributes as well
you somehow overlook them
coz they dont really show themselves usually
or to other more unfamiliar people
makes one think that person is something special.. different

even if person does screws up.
over and over again.
somehow you think person can still make a name for him/herself
not susceptible to all this shit that mere mortals fall victim to
because person has the ability, charm.. street smarts needed to thrive
these are more valuable than all other more 'down to earth' qualities.
are they not.

but there comes a day...
when you realise that that really might not be the case..
and that charisma kinda turns into some disillusionment.
pure disillusion.
and you question yourself. whether your judgment now is right.
whether it can stand as a worthy competitor to those street smarts
but really when such selfishness appears coupled with pure idealism...
there really is not much competition between the two anymore.
especially when it concerns the wellbeing of others.

now what's left behind is a great deal of disappointment.
but probably... more anxiousness
but i guess... everyone has to learn their own lessons.

i might be wrong.
and i really hope i am.

.

2007-05-20T21:43:00.000+08:00

on a really random note...
it seems that the knives just dont stop.. flying.
one after another.

and you realise that it really isnt a matter of..
what the knives are
but perspective
the substance of the skin or deeper maybe.

but a leopard just cant change its spots man.
it's true true true.
very painful spots.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the bitter taste of bitterness
but there's something else more piercing in this shitty concoction.
is that how you spell it? think so. just typing it out...
looks like a freaking weird word... con-coc-tion...
sigh.

AH. STOP IT. ARGHHHH.

gah

2007-05-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

wont be online much.. or at all.
will be contactable by hp.. just got it back.
(:

colbert

2007-05-17T09:26:00.000+08:00

hilarious clip from the colbert report.
really. check it out. 6 mins of your life.

home

2007-05-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

yes... im home.
touched down at 120 am early on tuesday morn.

and. i am going back in on 28 may...
but im not sure how much time i have before that
coz.. the period between is gonna be a huge test. but anyways.

my phone is in the samsung shop now... stuck in repairs..
will be getting it back soon though.. and start contacting people then.

so.. i guess that's all i can say for now.
dont know why people complain about how hot it is upon coming back to sg though.
i dont feel a difference. maybe slightly. slightly. more humid.
but that's it.
well. it must really be the urge to complain then and point out a difference.

and i think jetlag is quite a bullshit concept.
as it stands the plane screws you up enough that it automatically adjusts your bodyclock to wherever you're going.

haa. for some reason i sound so bitter. but i am not!
stuck in my own world for a bit.

6.5

2007-05-12T17:21:00.001+08:00

6 and a half hours.
just to pack up everything ready to move out tomorrow.
mann.
tired.

HATE flying.

bs

2007-05-10T16:18:00.000+08:00

i can bullshit all right.
but how the heck am i going to bullshit a paper on terrorism for honors
in a single day
and to a professor who has a significant amount of intelligence with a phd in political science

dead.
dead.
dead.

abcdefg

2007-05-09T02:08:00.000+08:00

i think the chinese language is a very beautiful language actually.
just been given a bad rep in sg... due to some negative conotations.

trying to plan some ambitious study abroads.. which need a shitload of things to go my way...
and some very generous people...
hope it works out.

hmm. so...
always wash your feet. not just letting it be splashed with water during a shower.
like use freaking soap and scrub. scrub hard.
very. very important.
sigh.

cant stop playing this song. over and over again.
the song used in singapore dreaming.
when i first watched the film... thought it sounded familiar
and it's just.. it just provides a perfect backdrop.
it's called bong chun hong... translated as pinning for the spring breeze.
one would think that these oldies would usually only have an effect on the older generation...
but no. for some reason. it kinda just reaches... into you. very touching.

friends we have to watch this together all right.
i think people can say what they want about our film industry...
been doing research for my paper... and read an online article with nothing but criticisms.
which kinda pissed me off.
really what's the point.
from where i stand... i see a lot of hope.
although admittedly... i hardly know anything.

-----------------------------------
was looking at something... which then reminded me of something.
my sis started had this small craze some time back...
checking out things to buy online.
clothes specifically...
so she ordered these 2 things... which looked good
and my mum brought her to collect..
sold by these girls
so my sis went forward to get them
and they gave them to her. collected money.
were laughing or something. and left immediately

my sis opened up and checked.
the clothes looked nothing like they did online
and were freaking old and obviously worn before.
bloody IDIOTS.
when my mum told me bout this just totally pissed me off.
shit. if only i was there.
would have dealt with this bunch of jokers. very suitably.
if you dare to touch my family... cheat them.. whatever.
you're screwed.
immediately.
bloody jokers....

yes!!!

2007-05-08T11:00:00.000+08:00

YES!!! ANOTHER QUIZ!!!!!!!
hahaaa... i am so damn tired. almost died today.
but damn. these boliao things.
are like energizer batts.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone?
:: dunno

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
:: non-existant

3. Your hair?
:: annoying...

4. your mother?
:: msn

5. Your father?
:: working

6. Your favorite thing?
:: companionship

7. Your dream last night?
:: scary

8. Your favorite drink?
:: water

9. Your dream car?
:: jeep

10. The room you're in?
:: dorm

11. Your sister?
:: dunno

12. Your fear/s?
:: failure (at this moment)

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
:: soldier

14. Who did you hang out with last
night?
:: haekyung

15. What you're not good at?
:: lying

16. What/who do you hate?
:: nobody (5 years ago i would have said becks.)

17. One of your wish list items?
:: contentment

19. The last thing you did?
:: chat

20. What are you wearing?
:: clothes

21. what aren't you wearing?
:: footwear

22. Your pet?
:: none

23. Your computer?
:: ibook

24. Your life?
:: heh

25. Your mood?
:: spaced-out

26. Missing?
:: home

27. What are you thinking about right
now?
:: papers

28. Your work?
:: hmm...

29. Your summer?
:: scary...

30. Your relationship status?
:: NA

31. Your favorite?
:: friends

32. When is the last time you laughed?
:: yesterday

33. Last time you cried hard?
:: secret

DONE :D

and run away together...

2007-05-07T09:15:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. he said,
"boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but i loved your grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, i found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before i do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long i'll be.
But i'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till i see you again,
I'll be loving you. love, me.

- collin raye

such an... overplayed. cliche song.
haa... but o man. what.. horribly embarrassing.. but ultimately
sweet memories it brings back.

cant sit through a full loop of "jj"
it's too painful.

---------------------------

ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
cant start studying!!!
have so much to do... and im sure once i start depressing thoughts will start rushing back in...
BUT. weird enough. in a super happy and like.. aroused mood now. hahaaahahaa even though my eyes are half closed.
thanks to a conversation. (:

reading all this psych stuff... has been killing my brain
and i seriously cant recall a single thing from 2 days ago...
but. it's really interesting... and... it's kinda been making me reflect
a lot on myself. and people. and the whole year..
and really. how you... choose to see things kinda has so much impact on... your emotional well-being.
there're a lot of adjustments that can be made.

o man so tired. tired. tired.
but yet. happy happy happy.
crazy year.
crazy year.
it's been an experience for sure (:

hazel! i chose "zoo" coz we always talkd about going there and it just reminded me of you!
hahaaa yes you are not like most socially-conventional friend... but very fun indeed (:

if they're gonna laugh... laugh.
talk... talk.
i just thank God for all the shit man... it's been a blast
the number of challenges shoved into my face
so... just bring it on. really. now. when i go back.
im dying to go home... it's been a year...
yeah. that doesn count. it has been a year...
and yet a zillion things scare the shit out of me.
but... it will be good.

you can take whatever shortcuts you want.
to achieve something
and delight in that invincibility for a moment or two.
but at the end of the day...
it really isnt yours for keeping
and it wont be.. until it's done in the right way.
right?

indeed.

psychodynamic theory

2007-05-06T16:06:00.000+08:00

reading about freud's very sexualized perceptions of psychodynamic theories in regards to personalities at freaking 3 am in the morning. so. quiz time. love these things. great stress relievers

Your Dating Style:
Committed Relationship

You are all about being in a committed long term relationship. You are all about the love and security that it brings.

'What is your dating style?' at QuizGalaxy.com

YOUR REPORT CARD:
Category	Grade
Love	C
Friends and Family	A
Body	A+
Mind	C
Finance / Career	A+
Your Life's Average Grade: A
'What is your Life Grade?' at QuizGalaxy.com

so apparently there are serious problems with my intelligence.

Your Social Dysfunction:
Normal

Being average in terms of how social you are, as well as the amount of self-esteem you have, you're pretty much normal. Good on you.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

marvellous

Health is most important in your life.

Having a high focus on health indicates that you are very health-conscious and you realize that if you don't have your health, you have nothing. You are devoted to living healthy.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

apparently the quiz cant count top 3...
and... it's not health. for sure. far from healthy here...
family and career.. tough choice.. but there really isnt anything more important than bloodties. is there.

All-Around Smart

You are all-around smart. Essentially, that means that you are a good combination of your own knowledge and experience, along with having learned through instruction - and you are equally as good with theoretical things as you are with real-world, applied things. You have a well-rounded brain.

20% applied intelligence
20% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who likes to have fun all the time.

When alone, you are introspective. You constantly reflect on your life and the world.

You are intelligent. You use your time to its fullest potential and will go very far in life.

In the future you will be wise and healthy.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

wow. this quiz is damn nice to me.

What do you subconsciously think of your friends?
Friend's Name	Word Association	Meaning

Daryl	Bat	Mysterious, Intelligent, Enigma. This person is hugely alluring to you.


Zhen	Bell	Someone whom you feel may be dangerous to let into your heart.


Danielle	Pearl	Beautiful and real - you have a lot of respect for this person.


Mel	Lantern	The person who sees you for you.


Sarah	Wig	You believe this person to be totally insane. (And they SO are!)


Hazel	Zoo	The least socially-conventional person that you know. (And, consequently, the most fun.)

'What do you subconsciously think of your friends?' at QuizGalaxy.com

zhen i cant let you into my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and daryl.. ok. mysterious, intelligent.. probably. hugely alluring to me.. haaaaa. nononoooooooo.
other than that.. heh. quite accurate. sarah is nuts for sure.

yay ended with my favourite! and...
shit. no more. ok. back to oedipus complex.

crap.

2007-05-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

ok i didnt wanna start studying. so i did another one. now i have to start. sometimes you really do wanna give yourself one tight slap. like now.

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	twl
Birthday:	20 nov 1987
Birthplace:	singapore
Current Location:	champaign-urbana, illinois
Eye Color:	black
Hair Color:	black
Height:	158 cm. i admit it.
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	chinese
The Shoes You Wore Today:	slippers
Your Weakness:	PROCASTINATION LIKE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! and... an inability to express myself. actually. i can think of a million weaknesses. but... there's no time. but. i have to say. there's... a bigass confidence issue going on.
Your Fears:	honestly. that the people i l--- will die. yes. in accordance with my weakness above. i am unable to say the L word in this context. it makes me feel squirmish and uncomfortable. and... doing badly in my career. letting people down.
Your Perfect Pizza:	hawaiian. but seriously ive had enough of this crap.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	confidence. and... something else.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	probably something along the lines of "hahaaaahaaa" and any phrase ending with "man". as in the expression. not species.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	this question is too painful to answer. avoidance. next.
Your Best Physical Feature:	in all honesty. i dont think i have any. everything is very average. NEXT.
Your Bedtime:	sigh. very late. next.
Your Most Missed Memory:	i think would be times in mg... fooling around for freaking 10 years... with the same same old people...
Pepsi or Coke:	coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	they both make me feel like puking. but i would say. macs.
Single or Group Dates:	honestly.. the thought of both scare the shit out of me. and i think group would be more awkward. next.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	no. never will.
Do you Swear:	sigh. yes. but only shit.
Do you Sing:	hahaaaa. NO COMMENT.
Do you Shower Daily:	HAHAAAAHAHAAA. no comment either.
Have you Been in Love:	i still am. with newcastle. very deeply.
Do you want to go to College:	i am in freaking college now.
Do you want to get Married:	i thought yes... but now... i dont know. see how things go...
Do you belive in yourself:	i hesitate. but.. no.
*Do you get Motion Sickness*
Do you think you are Attractive:	no
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	at night yes
Do you play an Instrument:	kinda
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	no
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	stupid question
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	cant answer this adequately
What country would you most like to Visit:	cambodia and vietnam
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	-
Favourite Hair Color:	natural color
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	-
Weight:	-
Best Clothing Style:	casual
Number of Drugs I have taken:	0
Number of CDs I own:	dunno
Number of Piercings:	5
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	uncountable. but i think about it sometimes.. and i guess at the end of the day... it's not really regrets. you know.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

shit. when i finish typing this title i have to start work.

2007-05-04T09:41:00.000+08:00

ok. i swear. i am going to start work after this.
day wasted away coz of some crap. i have no idea how the heck im going to cram everything in. i mean studying.. is one thing. its damn crammable. writing is a completely different thing.
no time? study less.
write. no time. you cant write less. you cant research less and hand up a shit paper.
no way.
ok anyways. yes i am just trying to not start studying. coz im to scared to.
so i am going to do this quiz that hazel did.
damn pissed. freaking dvd i ordered for my research from amazon.
was thinking why the heck it was so expensive. but no choice. just ordered.
my mum told me yesterday that they received a package for me.
shit. sent to the wrong address.
am i an idiot or WHAT. screwed. anyways.
boliao quiz alert.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Top 2 things found in your wallet as
always:
ehh... prob ic and debit card

Top 2 things to do when i'm sad:
stupidly think more about it
or do some thing distracting. like watching youtube. or sleep.

Top 2 songs you can listen to again and again:
impossible. i listen fr sure. but not particularly musically inclined.
wait. maybe.. love me by colin raye. brings back good and bad memories of a very special kind. hahaa. NO. nothing to do with the content...

Top 2 reasons to watch television:
distraction from... whatever. for that one hour. you and your life cease to exist.
brainless entertainment

Top 2 places I'd want to visit 10 yrs from now:
i dont know...

Top 2 current obsessions:
worrying. and more worrying.

Top 2 favorite nicknames:
rubbish leg.
jaundice.
i think they were coined by the same person. brings back a ----load of memories

Top 2 favorite food:
o man. honestly. homecooked food. anything.
nothing. nothing. can beat that.
i want to go home.

Top 2 favorite snacks:
ice kachang? haa. i dont know.
ill devour anything you give me.

Top 2 favorite website:
hmmm... i dont know. i really dont surf much...
i guess i would say... rather pathetically.. maybe msn. it's my homepage and usually where i read about what's going on in the world...
and maybe friendster. hahaaaaha. dont surf there much either. unless im bored. but... for some reason it brings back memories. and. that's the only way i can see friends... kinda.

Top 2 favorite things to do:
i dont know you know. i think.. i love to... do things which... stimulate me intellectually. and let me find out more about the world. as ignorant as that sentence sounds. sometimes. but it can.... get quite sickening sometimes...
friends. i want to hang out with people at home again. but... yeah. there does exist a but.
the end.

Top 2 favorite places:
singapore. hahaa. anywhere which brings back memories... places like mg. or maybe not so much mg now. that place has changed so much. and taken my feelings along with it. haa. i would say... camp christine. that place holds a trillion memories for me.
and my favourite place here... i dont know. we'll see.
and. interlaken in switzerland. it's the most... beautiful place ever.
mmm.. s----- wing? HAHAAAA. MAN. i dont know. but... that's a place that'll always remain... special to me. for sure.

Top 2 things i can't wait to happen:
hahaaaaa for now. the end of finals. shit there's no way im gonna pass this hurdle for sure.
and after that... i dont know. satisfaction and happiness... you know. hahaa.

Top 2 places where I love to shop:
i hate to shop.
but if anywhere. yeah borders.
o yeah and ten thousand villages. one of the coolest stores EVER.
heh. and maybe ikea. when it's not crowded.

Top 2 movies I could watch over and over?
dead poets society
and... for now maybe singapore dreaming. ive watched it a million times. for "research purposes". it's... a really good film.

Top 2 things I'd like to get for Christmas:
the happiness and warmth... of companionship. no not THAT kind. i say... bullshit to that.
just. to be with friends.

-------------------------
dammit why is the quiz so short....
I HAVE TO START NOW!!!!!
and.
wow. what horribly bland answers.

hate weekends

2007-04-29T13:37:00.000+08:00

you know how you look forward to weekends so much... that break from school.

but somehow. they turn out sucking really bad. way worse than weekdays.

thats been the story for too damn long.

and... it really would have been much easier... if id stayed on and not left...
it's such difficult transition from one comfortzone.. to another and back. for a few years.
i welcomed the break at the time... but i knew there would be problems
thats why i raised what i did
but of course the reply i got was more like a rigid slap in the face
but not now.
somehow i wish i was still immersed in that environment of stress. and yet. some warped kinda happiness and satisfaction.

(:

2007-04-26T08:31:00.000+08:00

today has been the best day ive had in the states so far.
today has kinda.. justified all the shitty days.

sigh. good sigh.

read this.

2007-04-25T05:24:00.000+08:00

o man. i have so much crap to do... but i have have have to blog about something first.
it's really really really interesting... to me at least. have to blog now. before i forget.

BUT. before that. a package arrived today:

yeah that is a shitload of stamps isnt it. and look closer:

shit. that's the price of freaking express mail. which i paid for out of my own pocket. need to get this project done.. so no choice. crap. so moral of the story is... dont procrastinate. research early.

all right what i REALLY wanna talk about

so im doing this course in chinese cinema.. and my professor is a chinese guy who's been in the states for a damn long time and i think he's a damn big shot in the film world... he knows many of the famous directors etc... but anyway.
this week's film we were supposed to watch was broke---- mountain. and this is kinda sensitive topic so i wasnt sure whether i wanted to blog about it.. but then who the hell comes here anyway other than innocent harmless friends. so... i shall proceed.

so we were having a discussion in class.. (ok. to prevent being googled. or yahooed. or alta vista-ed or something... dont know why everyone says googled.. there're so damn many search engines. but anyway. yes. the director of broke, who of course is ang le-, shall be referred to as AL. and the film shall be broke). so my prof was saying that he and AL had gone out for some drinks sometime in 2003 and AL revealed to him his latest project as being broke, but he didnt go into specifics about the whole homosexuality issue. so my prof asked him when the film was going to be made and released. and AL said.. he couldnt do it now. not when his father was still alive. and my prof found it interesting... but he didnt push further.

so anyway AL's father did pass away, AL made the film after and of course he won the oscar and all. my prof said... he understood what Al meant when he said he could not make the film when his dad was alive, when he watched broke.

i dont really feeling like talking about this... coz it just... doesnt feel right to talk about. but.. it is just an interesting point of view. my prof suddenly said that in his opinion... he's quite certain that AL is 100% gay. if u've watched broke, one of the final scenes was when Ennis went to Jake's house after his death and the mum seemed to kinda accept him... my prof alluded it to a daughter-in-law being accepted finally in an Asian society. and he felt that's why AL said he could not make hte fim when his father was alive. coz i mean.. to us. Asians. it's still quite taboo.. especially for the older generation.. esp someone as well known as AL. who has a family himself. and my Prof said he thinks that... AL himself he can never ever admit it. and he never will.. so making a film.. in this way... (his first film too, by the way, was about homosexuality - wedding banquet) with such an ending... after his dad died was kinda his own way of like.. bringing some form of finality to things.

i was going to ask earlier why AL seemed to take a special interest in homosexual portrayals. but i guess i didnt have to anymore. at first i was like.. wait. what did my prof say... but my classmate beside me confirmed that i'd heard correctly. i asked my prof whether the film world thought the same as he did. and he said no they didnt. but he said he himself liked to... see films as a more personal thing. and linked them to the director.

my prof isnt someone who bullshits. or says things for the sake of being controversial. and in a way this isnt controversial. it's an opinion of someone who knows AL. and even him family. and the way he said it... it just seemed so sad...

so yeah. that's all on this for now.

----------------------------------------------

if anyone is free and has nothing to do... i suggest a really, really insightful good book called
"facing death in Cambodia" by Maguire Peter.

trust me. it's a really good read... not to completely sympathise and see cambodians as helpless individuals.. but to see how full of shit the international system is. danielle esp you should check it out since you read Loung Ung's bio.

all right. sigh. back to reality.

----------------------------------------------
ONE MORE THING.

reminder for self. no time to type anymore now... but have to talk about one last thing
singapore being seen... and even promoted as a gay capital of sorts:

http://iafrica.com/loveandsex/features/270778.htm

my prof was talking about it today. and i was like no! and everyone was hahahaa..
shit. ill talk about this another time.

---------------------------------------------
ok crap.last last edit.

just read the newpaper online and k dunst is saying some shit about spiderman being a flop without her, the director or tobey mcguire? o please. this is such a stupid doesnt matter thing. but seriously. please. i guess the role of a red headed vulnerable supposedly strong girl is too tough to handle for most. except of course. k dunst.

.

2007-04-18T07:37:00.000+08:00

i have a shitload of things to do but i cant concentrate.
i havent been able to get the shootings off my mind.
especially after i found out that the gunman was asian.

i know that backlash has started in some places and will continue...
amongst senseless people who are unable to see that this is an isolated incident
i know im being over sensitive. but when i went to school today...
just tried to shrug off feelings of people... staring at you more than normal
but i think it's kinda just my own imagination.
it's just me. but i didnt go to a class today coz of this.
i am being stupid. but i just dont wanna be out there.
even more than usual

at dinner just now.
there was a girl who said she didn't care at all. an american. i cant understand that.
another of my south korean friends said... there had actually been a movie night scheduled for a korean film this thursday but it might be cancelled in light of this incident. she couldnt understand why. but i kinda can.
another girl said she found it stupid. it shouldn be cancelled. they had nothing to do with the incident.

there's actually a meeting later at the asian american cultural center...
the asians no campus.. and in particular the south koreans have been receiving email after email about this...
they're gonna be talking about kinda like. the implications. on the asian american community.
and i really want to go.
i wont mind going alone usually.
but just not this time. and i cant find anyone else to go.
so im not.

i guess i just have to return to doing my work.
and taking my mind off this.

virginia tech shootings

2007-04-17T04:34:00.000+08:00

i just read the news online that the dealiest campus shootings in the United States just occured this morning at Virginia Tech.
33 dead including the gunman and at least 29 wounded. apparently one was killed in a dorm, and the rest in a classroom.

all i can say is.. it's scary. scary that such a thing could happen so suddenly and in a small town campus...
and immensely sad.

bush expressed his condolences of the victims, and talked about the laws on guns in the US.
"The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed" - meaning of course that in this case it is 'against the law' to bring guns on a college campus for the use of killing poeple.

that sentence just infuriates the shit out of me.
if u're gonna cultivate a damn gun culture. you think every single person who owns a shitty weapon is a responsible sane individual who wont fire off whenever he/she pleases?
bullshit.

but i guess this isnt the thing to talk about now. but definitely in the future.
it's so sad. and so scary.
i cant imagine if that happened here.
i feel really affected, as im sure all other college students here do, even though it's far away.
but really it kinda isnt that far.

minor victories

2007-04-11T10:54:00.000+08:00

i scored a minor victory last monday, last saturday and today. but now im looking back and all i can do is cringe.
i wish i sounded way more intelligent when i speak. i wish i had the gift of eloquence. and actually was intelligent.
it seems like people are able to just go on and on.. like what's your opinion on this.. dadadaa... sigh.
and all i can offer is.. hmmm... i dont know. hurhurrrr.. freeze.
whatever it is i always sound like a mountain tortoise. sigh. how.
im going to kill myself for the rest of my life over every little thing i say.

have exactly 12 hours now til my first lesson tomorrow to write my essay. sigh.
its actually not torturing. because the topic really interests me.
but the thing about writing is how... you have to incorporate points from books and articles here and there so that you have an impressive bibliography and collection of 'footnotes'... and everything has to come into a cohesive manner and the difficulty comes in finding points from all over hte place to link together... i dont know.
ok. it's possible.

am still a member of the girl guides as a young adult... and they send emails now and then over very interesting things... like being a leader for some scouts/guides in some singapore amazing race thing... or extremely interesting jobs.. there was once they sent an application for some international work in switzerland... and there's an extremely interesting internship they forwarded too today... too bad i cant work anything out with the current situation. hmm.. or can i.

think the opportunities to do things are really out there...
gotta grab it when you can.

ok. the end.

kim il sung is shit

2007-04-10T16:18:00.000+08:00

i gave up reading the library books on north korea coz i was just too tired and couldnt absorb.. so i turned to youtube.
check out these 2 videos from the national geographic channel.
i mean it. watch it. stop studying for just 20 mins.

it's crazy. just crazy. and amazingly sad.

and this clip is some popular south korean boyband ShinHwa when they performed in north korea last time during unification talks.. according to my roommate.. i think everyone just has no idea what the heck they're doing

my roommate said that for those lucky few north korean defectors who somehow manage to make their way into south korea, the government gives them housing in some remote place and doesnt list their address or telephone number in the directory... so no one knows where they are because there're spies from north korea who go to the south to seek out these people...

and when she was in korea... there was this huge uproar... 45 mins away from her place apparently there was a family of north korean defectors staying in some remote housing... and they were all killed. no one saw it but they were found dead.

it's crazy. people can say that n korea is communist. nuclear weapons. all that shit.
but there's just so much more to it.. it's really like a living hell...
crazy. just crazy.

.

2007-04-08T13:17:00.000+08:00

feel so stupid.

guess that's the theme for the past year. and especially today.

-------------------------------

just typed that a couple of hours ago. and. i feel differently now.
the rise and fall.. of a teenager's mood. yes. teenager. still. good.
im glad whatever happened did.

i want to say something about.. religion.
over the course of the past year... there've been long periods of stagnation. and then one sudden, sudden moving moment. which then fades away... as quickly as it appeared.
but still... it seems to be the only place i can find.. perfect sanctuary in.

some people go to church because they like the songs...
is that really part of believing?
over the year... i have developed many opinions and interest.. in many areas. essentially world affairs. but which are just very much human. it's kinda like our constructions. the initial spark is amazing. the gain of knowledge always is. but it just leaves you really kinda.. dry and empty after. coz you never get a satisfactory answer. to satisfy your anger. or sadness.
the same thing applies to just... other things in life.
i remember someone said before... at the end of the day when you go back to your room.. lie on your bed.. stare at the ceiling.. you feel nothing. emptiness.

someone told me a few weeks ago that person felt religion was a kinda social construction. person believed that probably. there was some higher power. but.. different religions were just something that developed along with society and culture.
and i admit that has been something ive thought about a lot.
it made me wonder if id strayed.
or was just completely lost.
i did begin to think.. whether this logic was right. when you look at the many, many denominations, different ways of practice, some of the 'leaders of the church' themselves behaving NOTHING like how christians should behave... there're just so many things. and at the end of the day, i think there'll always be a part of me that is a doubting thomas.

today has been a tiring day in so so many ways. i have so much to do... i cant even fathom. anything. and then... there was that. i came back. drained. but after a while.. i was refreshed. ive been listening to songs.. and thinking about this for a few hours now.. and im not sure what to conclude still really.

i really feel that there is no other place i can seem to find peace and sanctuary... other than time with God. but i wondered whether this was just an escape. and nothing more. an excuse of sorts.

"So if you’re waitin' for love
Well, it’s a promise I'll keep
If you don’t mind believing that it changes everything
Time will never matter..."

m fay. i think he deserved it though.

2007-04-07T07:21:00.000+08:00

man i have two huge essays to hand up by next wed and it's already friday evening... am trying to do the polsci one first...
i need to analyze two other approaches towards international relations and compare them to realism... and i chose peace studies and postmodernism. i think PM is the 'toughest' out of the lot.. in terms of conceptualisation and explanation but i wanted to kinda master it.. was reading some stuff just now. it's kinda cool in all its abstractness but can be so damn annoying too...

anyway. i did my theory test and got my permit to learn driving yesterday. in the US everything is so damn lax in regards to driving... i just freaking looked through some road signs in the book... got an 88 on the test and passed. everyone said it was so damn easy and required only common sense and i thought it would be a breeze. but i started panicking like hell when i'd done the 5th ques and already got 2 wrong... there was a practice question before and i even got that wrong. i seriously am just plain stupid and nonsensical. the question was what should you do when you're driving and feeling sleepy... and i freaking selected something along the lines of 'on the radio'. my logic was that... if you stopped every time you felt sleepy half the cars on the road would be stationary and sleepiness comes and goes, you have to learn to control, tahan and chiong on. but apparently i was wrong. the answer is stop, get out of the car and wait a while.

.... that really does make more sense. but i made it. passed. so good. sometimes i hate doing this cheapskate method. coz i really am not learning driving properly and if i want to learn something i wanna do it thoroughly man. nevermind. ill read up more when i get back to sg. so i got my permit to learn driving, and here as long as you have the permit you can just get your friends who have a license to teach you and can even drive on the streets. i wanna learn manual, and a friend gave me a lesson just now. we went through what is this that.. i have new respect for engineers again. it really is true that people's brains are wired differently to absorb different stuff. give me science - ok can. arts - can can. engineering mechanical stuff. im screwed big time man. feel like a freaking guniang trying to drive. but anyway. talked about some things, friend demoed some stuff, and off we went. i went. in the parking lot. i gave friend and myself a few heart attacks many times. it's definitely easier auto, but manual is the way to go for me man. i think. starting to have some reservations now. haa. man. i dont know if i can ever conquer this huge piece of metal. i seriously hope i dont kill somebody one day. it's just so freaking easy for accidents to happen.

*part deleted*
what are politics... but a stupid never ending fight between selfish human beings.
i shall not upset myself with such bullshit.

words

2007-04-04T12:32:00.000+08:00

i think the power of words is incredible. words are way more powerful than people think they are.
ok what's that overused cheesy phrase... sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me... o right that actually goes against what im saying. hmm. hahahaa.

i guess that's the ideal.. if one is able to shield oneself from poisonous words, but it's obviously not as easy as it sounds. you know how like.. there are these cases where kids grow up in a certain environment for example... if all they receive are negative words from their parents... it just kills them off.. and kinda throws them off as individuals.. sometimes people make a comment which they think nothing off.. and one might laugh it off.. but the hurtful effect of words do linger. it's the whole psychological thing. i think psych is way. way. way. more power than anything physical.

in other words... there're actually some aspects of dorm life i really like coz my friends are on this floor... but i cannot wait. to move out away from my roommate. i dont know how many more conversations and words of poison i can take. im sick of hearing such superficial, cruel, ugly words. i think i can be a pretty sensitive person.. and even if i hear a couple of conversations it bothers me. but seriously it's been a year. i dont want to elaborate. but it is very mentally and emotionally draining. i think uni really... prepares you for life and takes you out of whatever nicely decorated hole you'd been living in before... if you put yourself out there and meet the million different kinds of people in the world...

it's ok. 1 plus more months...

one more thing. i found out that my freaking 20 page essay for my chinese cinema class can be about any topic and analyze any film. i think i'll prob tackle some local films... maybe focus on a royston tan film or something... man. i am so excited about my essays. to think of something is really... like.. pure bliss. but to do it.. it's a totally different matter. sigh. tomorrow. tomorrow i will transform.

its been some time

2007-04-03T14:11:00.000+08:00

last week was pretty eventful. every week is. there're like new problems. challenges. anger. sadness. but that makes any elation or... act of kindness even more... wow. damn. is life good or what. (yes.)

ok before i start.. things to talk about in case i forget
(1) bhatt
(2) democracy?
(3) "poor" people
(4) my plans...
(5) raw letter
(6) random bullshit if any
(7) bible

(1) i went to the see my major advisor that day... and the dean was available and so i met with her. i almost feel apologetic about that.. me. a small fry. meeting with a freaking dean to discuss a relatively insignifcant and to make things worse complicated academic plan. but she was really really nice. and when i told her i was from singapore she got all excited.. apparently she and her husband brought a group of students there during the winter/summer study abroad from my uni and she's just... really impressed how such a small country... has made such a name for itself and is just doing so damn well. i think that's one thing we dont realise being stuck in singapore... we mentally acknowledge how damn small the country is.. but we dont really digest it. or how it's so amazing that we've come so damn far. ive been doing a million lessons on the developing countries of the global south and it's really a freaking miracle thats what it is. we could so easily have still.. remained a developing country... and no disrespect to anyone. but to be able to lead such a comfortable life.. count our blessings man.

anyway the dean was going on and on... and... for a moment it hit me. that an american professor has so much more pride in our tiny country than so many of us. one thing about students in singapore... and what i hear often from friends... hurhur... everyone complains about how difficult education is... all that bullshit. of course i belonged to this category too. but hearing the dean say how highly she thought of the students and profs... i was like... yea everyone is very academically driven (and i didnt say that in a positive light) and she was like yea that's what makes you so great, that's what makes your country so great! you guys should be very proud. it kinda emphasized something which ive been thinking about the past year.. we can bullshit and complain all we want.. but the fact is that if not for this... rigorous education.. sg wont be as developed as it were.. we wont be as 'knowledgeable' as we were.. know what i mean? so really... i think it's more of.. a blessing than anything else.. although there's so much pressure and shit.. but sometimes it's kinda like what you wanna make out of it.. i dont know.

(2) i was just reading some pol sci stuff... and seriously. all pol sci material mentions our little island home as being more authoritarian.. in particular one paragraph made me go hmmmm... hurhurhur:

"Hong Kong and Singapore have a different political profile. They are both former British colonies... Although not as repressive or militarized as South korea and Taiwan during the Cold War era, Hongkong and Singapore were not democracies either. Hongkong was ruled by a Brtish Governor and Singapore by a dominant individual (who once banned sales of the Asian Wall Street Journal after it criticized him)."
- International Relations Brief 06-07 Edition, Goldstein and Pevehouse

hmmm. i wonder how that dominant individual is.. dont you.. ha. touchy subject. a while back person and i were talking about singapore politics.. and person was criticizing the gov.. the usual so rigid.. blah blah all the usual bullshit.. and i was like yea.. after coming here ive realised that.. to speak of us as a democracy... might not in the most accurate light (im trying not to say things expicitly.. for certain reasons need to think.. a lot before i write some things).. but if not for everything that happened... we would not be where we are today. and then person would be bemoaning about class disparities (which actually in retrospect is unlikely coz person is very rich and would prob be in the corrupted classes...). i was searching online that day and i watched this video called Singapore Rebel... which is like... exposing the gov apparently.. or rather i watched about 3 minutes of it and it got too cheesy to take. i dont know. i think ill keep my opinions to myself.. more or less.. but one thing i have to say is.. im sure that.. things are never perfect, and im sure we as citizens will not always know what is going on.. that is all part of politics. but it's a fact we are doing well. we have progressed. it does not mean we should not question or have minds of our own.. so in that way really it's everyone's duty to be aware of what is going on.. but it also does not mean that we should fall to the other extreme of becoming a 'Singapore rebel'. for my own safety, i shall conclude for now on this topic.

(3) another interesting paragraph which struck a chord with me.. it's about... aid to developing nations and their people:

"One version of 'missionary' assistance - advertised widely in the US - lets citizens in rich countries 'adopt' poor children in the global South. Photos of a hungry child stare at the reader from a magazine page while the accompanying text notes that a few cents a day can 'save' the child. Although such programs raise awareness in the North of the extent of poverty in the South, at worst they tend to be exploitive and to reinforce racist and paternalistic stereotypes of the helplessness of people in the global South."
- International Relations Brief 06-07 edition, Goldstein and Pevehouse

how true. indeed. maybe one would call me a hypocrite. i dont seem to be doing anything to help the situation either. well. all i can say is... we can talk about this. and there are things that the future might hold. right now... i am trying to learn. learn about situations. about things. ok forget it. i am not gonna talk about this or justify myself. coz that disgusts me. i was talking to my prof that day about the iraq war... and basically we were talking about. how... all these internal wars.. problems.. you should leave it to the people themselves to sort it out.. fight it out themselves. there are many things which the outside world CANNOT intervene in. which some do for sinister intentions. others might have good intentions... but end up screwing things up making them even worse than before.

in regards to the paragraph above.. that's something ive been thinking about too.. in relation to what i just said. in doing so.. in looking at them that way.. it really is already like being a freaking damn racist. and as you just give that 2 bucks to adopt a child or whatever it is... you might feel good that you're doing something for the child.. but somewhere deep inside at least 1% of you is going. damn. am i a saint or what. this child is so poor thing.. followed by an unconscious slew of slightly racist thoughts. racism is more common than its usage. i dont know. it's so difficult to.. acknowledge the fact genuinely that we are all of the same level... all equal... and where do we draw the line between.. empathy maybe.. and too much sympathy.

sigh. ok. end of topic again.

(4) my plans to study abroad... need to go through a SHITLOAD of bureaucracy red tape. i hope it works out.

i dont know why that came to my mind that day. am i becoming more tofu-like. that is terrible.

(5) during my search on singapore videos that day i came across this... interesting sg short film called raw letter. and i watched it as part of my plans for procrastination. and... i am not recomending it in any way. but if anyone needs some entertainment or feels like going hahaaaha... or huhhhhhh or ... even.. o please... you can check it out. it is.. in the least.. somewhat entertaining.

(6) i have essays to write on north korea and postmodernism and peace studies. honestly i have come to the conclusion that... there is nothing truely substantial or detailed that you can learn in an undergrad degree.. rushing through stuff.. sometimes doing the bare minimum just to get things done with.. although i think it might be different back home. i dont know. but i am.. somehow going to try. to learn something. and more than just vaguely. these freaking long papers are due on 11 april.. so a long absence might be due again. provided nothing catastrophic happens between now and then... unless i include blogging in my procrastination plans.

(7) i came across a verse that day which struck me... so i'll just end with that.

Every child of God defeats this evil world by trusting Christ to give the victory.
1 John 5:4

pills

2007-03-27T10:39:00.000+08:00

this is a crucial week.
i dont know why. but suddenly it's become really dark. suddenly.
i think the forces of suppression and like.. obssession.. they kinda work together.

my roommate's highschool friend died in the iraq war a couple of weeks ago.
he was 20.

ants have been invading my room. i hope they leave. quick.

it's weird but sometimes all it takes is just that one spark. that one small action of kindness. or whatever it is.
and it just changes everything. even the smallest things that people might not realise.

no man is an island man.
dont tell me you dont need... company.
that's bullshit.

if only they worked.

back

2007-03-25T11:59:00.000+08:00

im back from springbreak... and it was great. for many reasons. but i dont want to talk about it now too. for many reasons.
maybe another time.
but im glad whatever happened happened. whoever went went.

why. why are people just so damn disappointing

zzz

2007-03-17T11:11:00.000+08:00

am leaving campus.
springbreak is here.
back next sunday.

mmm.

Seoul Train

2007-03-14T09:24:00.000+08:00

i got a notice on this "international movies night" at the library held on tuesday night. and they were showing these films on korean refugees trying to get into china out of the oppression and hardship in north korea, and something about the rwandan genocide. and i decided to go. and lo and behold i was the only person there. i think this is how things usually work. universities might seem like they have a crapload of enriching activities. but if no one really notices/bothers to check out the flyer, honestly nothing happens. but then again.. having a whole room to myself is great.

anyway the documentary was called Seoul Train. it was an hour long... but really was an eye opener to the whole N korea and China situation.. and very, very sad.

basically there are many north koreans who are trying to escape from the terrible oppression and hardship from the retard of a kim jong il regime which is just completely breaking down the country. there were snippets of north korea itself.. yes.. amazing.. from a secret video cam which someone used to take videos of life in north korea and it just looked so, so, backward and sad. kinda like how we're all living in 2007 and north korea is a century behind. the saddest thing were the children, who are said to be starving so badly that their growth now is 7-8 inches behind south korean children, even though they are all from the same gene pool. and there they are running all over the mud, finding for food.. even eating stuff off the ground.. with many scabs, scars all that.. all over their bodies.. it's just shocking that with the progression of the world and the problems us urbanized idiots face today.. i dont know. i guess it is unfair to compare.. but it really is a tragedy.

the main issue is that the chinese government.. is damn unfeeling. they do not recognise these north koreans who escape through the border separating the 2 countries as refugees, and hunt them down in china to get them sent back to north korea. and the problem with n korea being a stupidass totalitarian regime is that once these people leave, are seen as traitors, as having committed the biggest crime of betrayal to the regime. when they go back they're sent to political prison camps, tortured, forced into hard labour, or even executed immediately, and many of them die in the camps, regardless of age/gender.. whatever it is. so these people have created an underground movement in china to help these north koreans... many of whom try to get into china, and then return to south korea. but the chinese are just damn cold. and unfeeling. the thing is there're so many security checks to make it through.. for months some activists in this underground movement feed these north koreans to pass them off as south koreans.. teach them things.. observe the security.. the change of guards/policemen etc.. because they know that if they get caught. it's the end. they'll be deported and basically screwed after that.

i can understand why china would be unwilling in a way to accept these 'refugees', because it'd prob lead to an increased influx of more n koreans into their country which MIGHT create an economic strain... (but then again.. bullshit.. the country is seriously like how damn big).. but the fact is that they could let them enter, and exit, to s korea. or mongolia. which is where they wanna go. it's not as though the n koreans wanna stay in china where they're treated to so much suspicion etc the entire time.

these north koreans try to save themselves.. by dashing into embassies.. coz once they're behind the gates, on the grounds of the embassies.. they are safe. they will be recognized as refugees there, and saved. there was a particular family, just one in so many... they obeserved the change of guards etc at the embassies.. made plans how to chiong in when the gate opened.. but this mother, and the little girl... they couldnt make it through. their attempt was just killed off by the guards. you can imagine the activist watching from the window.. as the plan unfolds only to fail completely... a few of these attempts were caught on the Seoul Train dvd.. and it's just really really sad... coz these people know what's in for them when they're gonna be caught... and the activists themselves are in grave danger. some interviewed for the documentary all had to wear masks.

i watched some parts of the bonus features.. and there was an 11 minute video from these people who again secretly filmed in north korea.. they have these public executions where the officials make people come to watch... even teachers bringing some children... and the judge decides on the spot the verdict. some sentenced to eternal hard labor.. others executed on the spot. and even before the verdict... execution posts are already mounted up to tie the condemned to. before the execution. the person is blindfolded behind a cloth and stones stuffed into his mouth, so he cannot condemn the regime out loud. and the high commissioner says some bullshit about these traitors. and throws insults at them.. and then shoots them, as an example to the rest of the north koreans. it's just so damn disgusting and sad.

after you watch these documentaries. you feel so much. but then it's like.. what can you do? i dont know now. but i know i wont just throw this away. ive really been developing a great interest in asian studies.. it just so happens that the librarian who put this on.. i was talking to her and she said she had a friend who did an internship in NYC regarding this north korean thing.. i think presumably with some NGO... and she told me if i was interested, she definitely could give me some contacts for an internship in the summer. but i cant. i have to go back to sg with my own responsibilities to fulfil. i feel like anything i say will be hypocritical... because even though this documentary has touched me, made me feel like doing something..

but what? you know what i mean? i dont want to be one of those... people who make me so sick and full of some disgust and anger with their claims of.. whatever. it's not like ive been enlightened.. or become some self recognised saint.. i just wanted to share this issue with others. and so i shall just end this by not saying anything else.

one more thing. if anyone is interested... the website is www.seoultrain.com .. and if.. i dont know.. you guys are considering like.. might need something like this for a uni project or something.. i dont know.. seriously consider buying it and checking it out.

-

2007-03-12T12:26:00.000+08:00

they believed that there was no more... left to repair
when really it never left and has always been there

i hate weekends. hate.

but theres one "thing" i hate much much more. hate. hate. hate.

10 000 villages

2007-03-11T05:26:00.000+08:00

im in love with this shop called ten thousand villages. there's one here and.. o man. it's just got such.. nice stuff...

im thinking of doing a masters.. which hopefully i can.. in asian studies.. or something along those lines.. it's something that ive become really interested in since coming here.. we'll see.

i just went for the engineering opening house on campus.. it's such a bright sunny hot day.. spring really is here.. and i guess it's just great to get out. and wow. i think engineering is damn cool. like seriously. these people really know what they're doing and talking about. and they have so much passion in their exhibits. sometimes a part of me wishes i had followed the whole science path, coz i think it's really really great. sometimes to be honest, i feel like im not getting a 'real' education in that sense. but i know im being stupid. you cant compare the two. just that i really think engineering is wow. very cool.

mr x

2007-03-06T14:12:00.000+08:00

he said that you had to let it out in some ways
that you cant keep riding by, masked
that the only way was to share
it sure sounds like a brochure
but maybe from more than a passerby, they're more than some meaningless words
we'll see

shall check up more on becoming sam in the future

i was just reading a daily devotion book, which someone important gave to me before i left, 7-8 months ago, time flies. it really does. and how apt that the verse today says:

With many counselors, there is safety. Proverbs 11:14

just in line with my thoughts.
it speaks of a 'council of advisors' around you. friends and family who walk with the Lord. that they are the ones who will guide you and give you the best advice. i really am fortunate to have so many of them in my life. distance isnt even a consideration. met them at every single point. even in training. coincidence is highly debatable, but i trust.. it doesnt explain everything.

it's HK man

2007-03-05T09:52:00.000+08:00

i just remembered something which i totally forgot to mention before.

the oscars were held that day and the extremely pissing departed won for i think it was best adaptation for screenplay or whatever it was... and the person announced it as being based on a freaking JAPANESE film?
seriously. oscars my ass man. all this hollywood big award stuff.. it's all bullshit. it's so damn stupid the amount of gossip which is generated everyday about all these over-rated human beings and what kinda crap fashion they wear to the oscars etc... they are a disgrace to art. and that mention in the oscars too. what kinda STUPID mistake IS that?! they should be slapping themselves.. but then again.. i doubt they would even give a shit. coz to them. japan = hongkong. big deal. the point is that the departed is good. and that's all. like.. u know.. that's all that matters. scorcese is such an amazing human being for putting so much sex and violence and vulgarities into the original "overly tamed" version.. yea. give it up for the man. he won a freaking oscar for goodness sake. woohoo.

my professor was talking about this that day during class.. and he said an injustice has been done to HK cinema. they've really taken huge strides forward but no one kinda gives them the acknowledgment that they deserve. and esp now with this just one stupid mistake.

btw has anyone watched Singapore shorts or Royston's shorts? if you have please let me know what you think of them thanks!

i love singapore

2007-03-04T10:35:00.000+08:00

really. i do. i heard an interview online where royston tan described people's views of us as a disneyland with punishment (caning etc...), a cold and unfeeling place. but i think that's totally untrue. there's so much more to our country than there seems on the surface.

i think that's something ive learnt so far. when i come back. for real. i know im going to become a workaholic. i already was during ohseeass days. but i really need to try to find some balance in my life. which is going to be difficult.. but i do wanna get involved in many more things going on in sg.. like the arts scene.. the film scene.. check out plays... sg film fest.. etc.. i think singapore's just such a damn cool place with the great variety of culture. and people who dont think so can go migrate or something.

no. i am not being a good singaporean who listens to the gov. i have my own opinions on that. but i know i should not voice such opinions in a place like this now.

something someone said a while back pissed the shit out of me. actually ok not that bad. we were talking about lah and lor and singlish. and person said that person hates it. yet person still uses it. that infuriated me. coz person looks down on singaporeans. on our culture. im not saying we should lah and lor like crazy.. like if i go to a cafe here or something.. like eh.. i want a hot chocolate... huh? no la. no salt. only sugar lor. or something like that. as long as we know when to speak 'proper' english.. when to use it.. it's part of who we are man.. why should we deny our identity HAH?!?!?!!!

so. like that lor. hohoho.

this a dilemma that people face overseas. sometimes the locals find it difficult to understand us. i think brits understand much better than americans actually.. coz for example.. when we say wa-Ter.. or bet-Ter.. they're like HUH... americans are kinda like waaadderrrrrr... bedderrrrrrrr.. you know that kinda thing.. and i think it's coz we were a brit colony last time.. queen's english man.. different. hahaa but i mean i dont even know if im right.

so people here.. most tend to try to slang when speaking to americans.. or just talk very abnormally.. that annoys me.. coz it comes out sounding just so damn ridiculous.. and it's not who you are. just speak slower and clearer. i get you. they get you. a while ago i was with person. and i was speaking normally. american in picture answered me. person started slanging ridiculously. american went huh.

face it! you are NOT gonna speak like an american. coz u're not one!!! sure sometimes i have to speak slightly more slangyish like some words or they really dont get you.. but please! please please!!! ridiculous.

o yea. and those high up officials who are telling little scholar kids not to study international relations coz it's rubbish?
l-i-a-r-s.

anyway. check this out.

15

2007-03-03T10:04:00.000+08:00

just deleted another post. coz i just watched royston tan's 15. it's on youtube.

leaves me feeling just really guilty. and ashamed. and with no idea what else to say.

it's really hard hitting. if you bother to look below the surface.

--------------------------------------------------------

decided to write more. this whole week. have been bombarded with things to do with american military. with ghaffar khan and the non-violent peace movement in pakistan. with so many things. and a lot of stupid stuff. and i watch this. and it really makes me speechless.

i dont know how anything i say would be able to accurately reflect the film. or these singaporean gangsters. i mean since young.. me.. my group of friends.. we're all bananas. and the terms ah lian ah beng.. you know. standard man. dont think twice before saying. and obviously negative connotations. but.. i guess there really is another side of singaporean society.. which we just dont give a shit about and look at in disdain. and im in no way glorifying anyone. but really. we're really just so.. like.. all human. and just the same. and it's sad how some of us end of this way.. and some.. another way. sigh. i dont know what im talking about.

so many parts of the film were extremely difficult to watch.. i mean in the first place it's not what it's not like how i thought it would be.. but that's another issue. there's this one scene. with this guy stuffing these condoms down his throat filled with ecstacy pills for smuggling. that just killed me off. and emotionally. there were just so many others. another scene where these aunties just keep staring at them.. or another where these english educated students kinda start a fight.

im not blaming aunties. or english education. i mean.. everyone is just a different part of society.. but.. the other thing is that these bengs are just boys man. like really their thoughts.. the way they speak.. or whatever. they're just so. so young. people think of this gang thing as this bunch of violent bengs or whatever shit it is.. but.. i dont know. it's so different. and i can understand how these people get into them... because if.. if you're really that short of love in your life.. everything else doesnt matter but this place.. really kinda gives them that. there're many many things that society will never understand and accept.. and these kids just have to look elsewhere.

i hate saying all this BULLSHIT. coz i know my words do no justice to anything at all. what do i know after watching just one film. but if there's anything i've realised.. it's that really.. to get so absorbed in yourself. in your own thoughts. or even in your own notions that you're making a difference to the world. it's just disgusting. close to home there're just so many more. more things happening. all around you. maybe i guess. just before you judge someone. or generalise things. or something. maybe just think before.

i was born into an english family. my chinese sucks. but it's not something ive chosen for myself. it's just how things are. so really no one's right or wrong. it's just the situation. and i guess for now that's the end of what i want to say. coz im kinda speechless

--------------------------------------------------------

one more thing i said just now before i deleted it. there're students here who are having their education paid by the military. they go to uni but as cadets. they train and go to cadet classes too other than the normal stuff. so it's not uncommon to see people in army uniform around school. talking to friends. holding a textbook. when i left class that day there was a guy in army uniform sitting on the floor outside.. studying italian. it made me feel kinda sick. and sad. when i went on the bus.. there was this guy.. i recognise him from my dorm. but i think he just recently joined the military and shaved his head. he was talking about m16s.. and how they were so powerful (there're way more powerful weapons my boy...) and about how many people it could kill.. things like that.. very excitedly and arrogantly about a weapon he just learnt.. and that made me sick to my stomach.

before. before you join something. think about it. think about your own intentions. think about whether it's right for you. this... can apply to so many people.. some whom ive been thinking about lately and feeling quite shit about.

-------------------------------------------------------

i guess there are things im struggling with. and things everyone else is struggling with. i mean everyone has their own shit. i think i am actually a person who commits the sin of envy a lot. that's why i always think the grass is greener on the other side. i admit it. i definitely feel genuinely happy for people a lot. but some times... the devil sways my opinion other wise. and in other situations. i guess.. everyone gets something different out of things.. you know? like.. situations are different. and people are so different.. sigh. what i decide to do with my education and time here... is my own path to take.. and just coz it's way different from the 'time of your life' thing that everyone seems to be enjoying... so what.

you know. really. it's just so damn what.

dead

2007-03-01T13:24:00.000+08:00

what an adrenaline rush.

had an exam tonight and a paper to hand in at 6pm for my night class. 2 papers of a 1000 words. which really isnt a lot. but i really really hate starting.. started at 2 am last night, finished at 5 for one. started the other at 7 and finished at 11. edited them so, so many times. i hate the initial phase, where you have no idea what you're gonna put down coz you know zilch.. but as you start.. and kinda get into the flow of things.. not bad. i think one of the happiest moment in my university life of studying.. is always when the paper comes out of the printing machine.. all that work.. turned into nice neat double-spaced lines with times new roman standard font size 12.. with my name right at the top. seriously. it is a feeling of exhilaration. makes me feel damn. damn. accomplished.

-------------------------------------------------

i start daydreaming sometimes during lessons.. because im thinking of whether or not i should go for my next class.. but i am proud to say though.. that this has really not been an issue for me at all since.. some parts of the start of this sem.. sure it still is for some reasons.. but whatever it is.. i go. and went i did today. only the teacher forgot to come. the students started a mini-revolution in the class using as much english as they wanted.. because we cant in language class.. 2 left after 5 mins. the rest of us sat around for a while.. 10 min. some guy just said "lets get the f out of here". and the room was emptied in 10 seconds. niceee. decisive.

-------------------------------------------------

my pol sci class in international relations is great.. if anyone has time i recommend you find this documentary called "why we fight". it's about american militarism today. im trying very hard to look at things from a neutral unbiased perspective.. and when i find myself leaning towards the side filled with anger at bush and america's attempt at imperialism i wonder if i am being slightly brainwashed because of my classes... but i dont think so. coming here.. ive realised how ignorant my statements about things regarding american policies and leaders were in the past. quite ironical isnt it. but that documentary is really good. if i can get my hands on it. shall force people to watch it with me in sg.

there was a talk on iran that day. and something very interesting came up. the professor, who's iranian (very gentle, mild-mannered guy.. although he looked a little like borat. but very mesmerizing eyes. really.), was talking about the US role in iran's history. as everyone knows the big issue over iran now is about their nuclear weapons.. the US is thinking of starting an air/sea war with them.. yadayada.. this guy came in and brought another perspective to it, and i can honestly say i feel very sorry for the people. and many people in the middleeast. the ordinary civilians who just want to get on with their lives and live it undisturbed. not talking about some shits like osama. one very interesting thing he pointed out... during the iraq-iran war of 1980 - 1988, the US was on the side of the iraqis. o yea and before that they had supported the decision to invade iran to capture its oil fields. but that is not the point here. so anyways the US then were really good friends with saddam hussein and they were the ones who provided him with the weapons of mass destruction for the war with iran. the huge irony is that years down the road, when situations change and backs are turned, saddam hussein has become the devil. and the WMD that they're looking for in iraq, actually came right from their hands.

and now they're thinking of bombing iran etc. you know... if you are trying to lead a normal, peaceful life. but yet someone keeps wanting to take over your business, decide who is going to be made ruler, take your oil-fields.. creating nuclear weapons to protect yourself. in a way. isnt that out of a world concept. if you get what im saying.

-----------------------------------------------------

there's this day at my university called the unoff-c-al st patr-cks day (trying to prevent myself being googled), the - represents i. got the following off a website:

For those of you who don't have the privilege of attending the University of Illinois, I'll give you one more thing to be jealous of besides our engineering school, business school, vet med school, agriculture school, law school, athletic dominance (except for football for the past few years), greek system, and party atmosphere. It was a tradition that was started years ago when St. Patrick's Day fell in the middle of spring break and the bars didn’t want to miss out on the revenue so they decided to celebrate the holiday a few weeks early. Now every year on the Friday of Unofficial everyone on campus (unless you have an exam that day) wakes up at around 7 or 8 AM and begins the drinking marathon that is Unofficial. Many teachers cancel lectures or don't go over anything important since they know that at least 50% of their students are drunk. Of course all of the bars open at around 8 that morning, some even serving green pancakes for breakfast, but the most interesting thing about this day however is that the Police must be out in strong force, arresting drunks, early in the morning.
- thanks to this guy.

and we got mass emails too about how security etc at the dorms are going to increase... a friend told me that last year a korean grad student was on a motorbike with someone, they were both drunk and got killed in an accident. we'll see how things go this friday.

my friend just told me that everyone just goes crazy.. there're already many classes cancelled.. and esp if you have a big lecture.. coz my school has a crapload of fraternities.. so they always take this chance to do stupid stuff.. like she had an exam and suddenly 6 guys ran in stripped and ran around the auditorium and out... profs cant do anything.. hmm.

delete

2007-02-25T15:39:00.000+08:00

i just deleted all my previous posts of outburst of emotion.
basically in the last few days my idiotic neighbours have been giving me hell and my roommate stole from me by using my debit card to buy something online and i found out about it. im still really very angry and sad over it. but.. all's good.

i just spoke to one of the girls from this batch of cadets online... my ex pc gave her my email coz she needed some advice regarding choosing services.. and i just preached to her online for 1+ hours...

i dont know. there are something i can never express here in this public space. but other than that.. right now.. i think i just feel really disappointed in myself. even after just one conversation. i feel so fired up and passionate about my career. it never. never leaves my mind. im even taking classes because i want to.. have more knowledge about my job. i dream about it. i have nightmares about it. it's become such a huge part of who i am. and i feel like ive just disappointed. disappointed some people who believed in me and myself. with how i am now.

i cant take this lying down. i really have to put up a fight.. wl concentrate on your own job man.. stop thinking of other people... passion means nothing.. if i dont act on it. if i allow myself to waste away like a worthless piece of trash.

you know what. i will get a freaking 4.0 gpa.
i will give a damn good presentation on cambodia and knock my own socks off.
i will write the best policy paper to mr lky.
i will stun my professor with my knowledge of chinese cinema.
i will psych you out of your consciousness. whatever that means.
i will tread my way to an A. no i won't capsize.
you will remember that mi chiamo wei lynn! sì! sono attiva, allegra, forte e bella (hahaaahaa just kidding la)!!!!!!! benissimo!!!!!

i will be able to translate my opinions into words confidently.
i will be more optimistic, talk more, share myself with the world.

i will be ready for my attachment.
i will run 2.4 in... 9 mins. yes you heard me. nine-ass-minutes.... eventually. hoho.
i will be excited for all the challenges that lie ahead.
i will carry myself with dignity and take away all worthless self doubt.

i will catch up with friends i have not seen in a year.
and i will walk this journey with god

i have wasted too much of my youth. but it's ok! coz i see green pastures ahead. cows.. dancing in the meadows.. pigs laughing hysterically with flowers tucked behind their pretty little ears. ah! how i look forward to that.. i see hope! light! colours! ahhh.. there i am... o wow. it cant be. but no. it is real. i really am 165 cm... cool sh*t!

NO i am not gonna put myself down in this sentence...
just wait and see... me. i'll prove you wrong.

--------------------------------------------

whoa. cool. postnote. this is seriously damn good therapy. i may be retarded and fool around. but i seriously feel better now.

the chief

2007-02-22T10:27:00.000+08:00

super super tired now. have had classes from 11 am to 8 pm and only managed to fall asleep at 6 plus am last night. ahhh and have a ton of work to do.. but nvm must get some things out of my system.

was really shocked that day when danielle asked me if my uni was the one in the news where they were retiring the chief illiniwek which has been our university's mascot forever.. and been very controversial for an extremely long time too. and i was going to yahoo to search for something and saw this news as the main headline. i had no idea it was that big news. well but ok.. to be fair.. brit spears freaking shaving her head was a headline too a few days ago.. but anyways. back to way more important things...

i think why the board suddenly took action and came to such a fast decision is because during winter break at the end of last year, we got a mass email from the chancellor (yes. the one who cancelled 2 days of school. he's the man.) about some party.. i honestly cant remember but something along the lines of some racist portrayal of native americans and all these controversial issues and feelings across campus for these millions of years just suddenly erupted and like.. they really had to make a decision. a little background on the chief.. some people feel he's racist and making fun of native americans whom have had a history of huge ostracism here at my uni some time back.. can read more about thishere.

there was a forum on this issue held on campus. i think i mentioned this before actually.. which i attended and huge huge droves of students turned up.. most of the speakers who spoke were native americans.. some from really far away.. but there was this one guy.. he's either stupid or really has guts. he spoke against this big fuss on racism.. and i think he had a point.. but the way he put it across was just.. not very bright and slightly illogical.. although i could see what he was getting at. something about him not being racist because he himself had family members who died in the holocaust (he's jewish) and something about how coca cola is damn good.. (yea that's another issue)... anyways i dont know. it was very emotional. and when i spoke to my friend later she said she was a little angry coz a forum is supposed to be an opportunity to hear from both sides.. but yet when that one guy spoke.. everyone booed him.. and the whole thing was very obviously a one-sided affair from start to end.

anyways the university made the decision a few days ago to retire the chief.. and i honestly dont think they really had any other option.. anything else and they would have been seen to be allowing "racism" to continue its long existance on campus. from what ive seen and heard.. i think there's actually a huge, huge majority that's pro chief.. and although i dont really want to say anything because.. it's such a touchy issue. and maybe im wrong. and i obviously dont know it feels like for american indians. racism is such a touchy issue.. that people can use it to their advantage sometimes.. you know what i mean? i dont mean all.. i mean some. just those very few.. that it kinda becomes some kinda empowerment in its shame. in a sense. i should have gotten tix to tonight's bball game where he's making his last dance.. it's a part of history man.

actually this WASNT what i wanted to blog about at all... but im seriously too tired now. maybe tmr. reminder to self

- why we fight
- american students
- us foreign policy
- Bush, Eisenhower, Cheney
- IR.. freaking officials.. career.. knowledge..
- US troops.. war.

til the next time.

casualties of war

2007-02-19T03:52:00.000+08:00

found this pic around.. taken when nette and grace came to my place to give me something before i left.. on the steps of the staircase.. we kinda look like we're conducting some shady business.. like drugs or something.. or at least i do.. one thing that destroys this "shady image" is how widely they're smiling.. hurhurhurrr. sneaky man. actually come to think about it. with my excuse for a haircut and worn out shirt.. i kinda look like their hostage.

i had a nightmare just now.. to cut a long story short. a whole series of funny events occured.. but anyways somehow i was trying to find my war vet professor a place to stay.. but ended up taking him down to a tunnel full of bodies all chopped up.. mashed up.. whatever it is.. from the war for 4 hours and 11 minutes. this is what happens when you let your mind get too busy.. too involved in what you're studying.. and well.. career.. sigh.

there's a great war movie i watched a long time ago called casualties of war... actually i cant really use the word great. im sorry. coz war is just too damn disgusting.. and to use great would be celebrating its portrayal on film. which is still dead ugly. but it is a well made film. if anyone is interested in war.. can check it out. old film. Michael J Fox.

if anyone has a mac.. they should subscribe to something on the straits times website which will give auto updates on news when you come online... i was just scrolling through that day (can only see headlines and summary if you wanna read the whole thing you gotta fork out some cash) and there was this interesting piece of news about a british soldier's postcard to his sweetheart which finally arrived 92 years after he sent it from the trenches of world war 1. anyway he got out alive and they got married, but now their daughter who's already a grandmother of 3 doesnt understand what the fuss is over this. -_-. weird. i think it's.. dare i say it.. quite a romantic story.

home

2007-02-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

cny has never really meant anything to me.. we have a reunion dinner.. usually just my family and my grandmother and some simple steamboat thing. and then the next 2 days when i was younger we went visiting.. a couple of houses.. maybe 3.. nothing more. new clothes? maybe sometimes a top or something. and i seriously have no idea what's the big fuss over freaking angbaos. i think in the "better" years i just got slightly over a 100 and that money kinda goes back to my parents coz they dont have the cash in the first place to fork out the money for the angbaos they had to give up. receiving money is just dumb. you use it to get something and then like.. what's next. big deal. so it's a stupid cycle more than anything. ive never even tried freaking yusheng or lao-ing or all that bubugaosheng chengyu stuff until last year during training. my cnys are as un-cny as they can get. but i kinda like it that way. i like how my family doesnt really give a sh-t

when i got older, i just had dinners. i think i havent gone visiting for about 4 years. so really cny just means public holiday.

but this year. i dont wanna go into too deep detail.. because i dont know who possibly reads this. but cny this year... miserable. i really. really. want to be home right at this moment. i dont know if i need a lesson on social skills or a complete overhaul of personality. but some things just dont work like they did before.

sigh. i really really really want to be home right at this moment... hahaa... but i think my stupid homesickness is nothing less than a disgrace.

ok my mum just called. and even my aunt and uncle and grandmother said hi.
sigh.
someone just kill me now. please. with your weapon of choice. i dont care.

"very pity"

2007-02-15T14:37:00.000+08:00

am in an ultra serious mood now.

i should be happy. we've just had two days of school cancelled. and because i missed 2 classes on monday due to certain holey jeans emergencies and missed tues and wed killer days, i only have 3 classes this week. when. when will this ever happen again.
answer: next year. i hope. fingers cross cross croxxxx.

ok. maybe not so serious. but still. i feel very old now. like freaking 1 million. vday has flown by without leaving any trace on my life. o no that sentence sounded bitter. not at all. just that seeing some pictures made me miss friends... 2 days have flown by with just an occasion of frostbite. last night. i was out in the snow knee-deep for so damn long. with converse sneakers ankle socks jeans. when i came back my legs and feet were completely red. numb. itchy. swollen. the last one gave me a small heart attack. my heart skipped a few beats but returned to normal with the disappearance of aforementioned symptoms. i would include a picture. but right now.. i dont want to spoil the somber mood of this post.

i dont know why everytime i have some free time. i get homesick. actually i know. but. it's just an expression. i really do honestly believe that the best years.. have just flashed by, unappreciated by me. and ahead... just lies more stress, more worries, which come with the whole package of growing up. i might habour some excitement, and maybe some thoughts that i can make something out of my life. but right now.. that just isnt coming through that much.

it just really seems that everyone has moved on... denise and camillia have moved on from the IUD incident, my primary school best friend has moved on from hamburger juice and cartwheels, manda has moved on from being an awkward female leaving me behind, maggot has moved on to ireland, friends have gone to NUS, joined different things, met different people, and i have too... moved so far away.

i cant imagine what it would be like to meet people again. i am quite extremely sure i have a mental problem. secretly, i harbour a love for acting. and sometimes. i act out these situations to myself. i might be kidding. or not. but whatever it is. i was thinking about it in the bus. i think i was thinking of hazel. and tears welled up in my eyes. it just seems like it's not going to happen. and i dont know.. i worry that connections will be lost. is my life destinied to only be full of guys. NOT in the romantic sense. from here on? no way man. i wont accept that.

im keeping this dreamlog right now for psychology. and i've been having weird dreams/nightmares everyday. i think line has a quote something like only in our dreams are we truely awake. or something like that. i think it works for me. ive been dreaming my brother is a murderer, and i have to warn fiona xie about it. ive been dreaming of my career... a lot. actually.. it's quite hilarious. coz i have to record them IMMEDIATELY when i wake up. and you know how you always awake in a semi-conscious state. here is an example. my goodness.. i just read it over.. have no idea what the hell im saying:

Had an extremely long dream, but only remember the end. was hanging out with a girl who is here too and from singapore. the scene played over quite a few times in different ways. basically she told me she had been living in teh states since she was born and i felt some 'suspicion' and 'disagreement' when she mentioned how good the food, drink and movie etc here were. we also bought milkshakes from a store... many times. also, i dreamt of 2 guys who were actually hosts/celebs themselves, they were bitten by a fan of a huge korean superstar whom they were showing around. the girl in question was physically/mentally handicapped, but very pity"

ok. what the hell was i saying especially the last part?! terrible. terrible english. maybe i meant pitiful. maybe i meant pretty. i cant even remember. since i dont feel like sleeping. i shall type more for self-amusement.

"I had dreams and nightmares completely different one following the other. in the last one which i remember most vividly, i came "home" one day to find my father worrying that my brother would be killed sooner or later because he had just killed 2 more people (apparently all these people were bad and were making attempts to end his life). He killed them when they tried to track him down at home, and my dad had to put their bodies in a bag for the police to take away. the girl (the other was a boy) was a local celeb from back home whom we knew. we went for a dinner and later to a police shootout scene (yea even though she was dead. somehow it became her brother that was dead now). we saw how coolly the police handled 2 pretty assassins. when my brother went ot the toilet, i went to find the girl, told her i needed to talk to her about her brother (i wanted to find out how much she knew to protect mine). my brother scolded me coz he said she did not know at all that he was the killer and i was exposing him"

what the hell man. sigh. doesnt even make sense. and in semi-consciousness. i have revealed what a poor command of the language i have.

ive been thinking a lot about kristin too recently. i dont know why. and am getting kinda upset over that. maybe it's just starting to become a reality for me a couple of years down the road.

i was thinking of putting the pic of being knee deep in snow up. but maybe another time. because im in it. i have to think a lot more carefully. plus it's my virgin attempt at wearing gloves. extremely shy about that.

(edited: words removed to protect privacy... resulting in this "no link" paragraph...) i really dislike my name. t--- is geeky cool alone. and after all it is my dad's surname. w-- l--- is not that bad coz i like the combination. but together. o man. im sick of being called w-- l---, t---

or even worse wei. or even even worse...

i am not wei toog. although i have no doubt wei toog is a great person. this was supposed to be serious.. but the mood has taken an unexpected twist. shall keep my seriousness for another day.shiver and goodnight.

note to self: rubbish leg, popo, the green.

BLIZZARD

2007-02-14T03:02:00.000+08:00

you know there're some things that you never thought you'd say in a million years. well, this for me is one of them...

SCHOOL HAS BEEN CANCELLED TODAY COZ OF A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!

it's crazy man. the snow is just blowing all over in the strong winds.. and i think the snow is about 2 feet high at some parts? i dont know. i dont have a sense of measurement. just took some pictures from my dorm.. feel like going outside but dont really wanna walk knee deep in snow.. not sure if these pictures do justice to the weather though.

the irony is that... i would usually be sleeping. but i got awaken by shouts of school being cancelled and got so excited that i couldnt sleep anymore. sigh.

guy at bottom right hand corner of picture using ski poles to get around

the "cold" option on my cam

sepia

ice on my window

snow that got past my window netting...

hohoho

my shelf...

i was talking to a friend today.. and.. well.. "encountering" some things.. i realised that no matter how old.. no matter where you are.. there're always stupid people around. but.. guess it's just something to accept.. and ignore.

hehehe. holeypants.

2007-02-13T03:41:00.000+08:00

i think psych class is super interesting! when i actually go! ..i have improved... im attending almost every single class compared to last sem's half absentees... the angel.. the angelic nerd in me.. is trying extremely hard to be victorious in this.. tournament. yea. where knights try to kill each other off with their 'chivalry'... honestly. ther eis a tremendous battle taking place. but i really need to do super super well.. sigh. and talking about psych.. the textbook is so damn big and heavy.. should reccomend it to the force for training purposes man. but ANYWAYS i digress.

the point is.. go check out this site on backmasking it's quite cool.. some stuff is funny like baby one more time... but others kinda freaky. the TA showed it to us today during class. esp led zeppelin - stairway to heaven. yea. i was hearing it a few times, and it just gets more and more creepy.. so yea check it out at your own risk.

lastly... i am very sad. it's probably not surprising to know that i wear the same pants everyday... but on sunday when i took it out of the washing machine.. this is what i found:

WHY!!!! and at any other place.. a tear might still pass as.. ohsocool. but crap. that's such a strategic place. i still wore them out today. covered with a bag. but was on my toes the entire time. my heart cant take it. sigh.. i guess they have been kinda tattered and torn too..

yes indeed... that is my roommate's kikkoman soy sauce at the bottom right corner if one possesses an observant eye

gonna send them for mending soon.. and get another pair... sigh. there goes all the cash i tried my best not to spend last week... super tired. all i wanna do is curl up and sleep now...........

snort.

there is going to be a snowstorm tonight... dunno how many million inches of snow. i am holding out for the hope of no school tomorrow. pleasepleaseplease. this is a killer week. i need a break.

i just went to tantaraaa's blog just now. and i realised someone described her as strange and beautiful. ive always thought it was very very difficult to describe her.. but.. wow. that is a really great description. i think it completely encompasses tantaraa.

vday

2007-02-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

i realise i blog... a lot because it helps me to avoid things. even for that short period. sometimes work. like now. and because. there're many things which cannot be said to people around me now.. but can only be understood by and shared with friends at home.

anyways. i just read a friend's small tiny rant on the sacred - il quattordici febbraio -. hurhurhuhhhh. valentine's day. no it is not very bello at all. it's feb 14 right? im doing a language now and a while ago there was an online quiz which requires u to answer the date in this particular language. stunned. seriously. cannot remember. i thought it might be feb 4.. feb 24.. feb 28.. somewhere along those lines. o wait.

i dont know man... ooo yea that's next wednesday. i have a test on thursday.. that will be fun. yes! heh.. to me my first reaction is... that is just such a corny day. or celebration of 'love'. or whatever it is. ive thought this over... and i was wondering.. whether there are feelings of 'denial' as msn.com puts it very stupidly in a relatively lame article. i suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom.. all right. i shall ponder this question on vday in the cubicle. how apt.

apparently my time in the cubicle has just produced... nothing much. take it as you will. but... i dont know. maybe i just find it corny because i can be quite cold, unresponsive, and even greatly turned off by the mushy-ness of 'romance'. maybe to me... even though i realise how old we are.. and how quick we're growing up and gonna hit the big 3-0 in a couple of days time.. (yea. directly surpassing the depressing 2-0)... we're still kids. and that makes the idea of 'romance'.. that much more of a fallacy.. it does make me a little sick when i see all these mushy, corny nics of devotion to people, or in sg, when you see 2 people hand in hand, the girl.. or guy for that matter.. holding a huge bouquet of flowers when they barely look past puberty.

when i see a guy and girl around.. on campus.. my first reaction is usually.. are you kidding me. this wont last. but then i think how cute they look together... i really feel so ostracised from being a human. a member of the female race. and i mean this seriously. i look at situations from the point of an... ameoba. hahaa. i dont know.. "love" (i had to consider 30 seconds before typing that) in the romantic sense.. is so far removed... but at the same time.. seems to be meant for everyone out there. and sometimes.. it can even be.. real. but it's rare. i think. the real thing is. coz some other things.. are just so damn stupid

the above doesnt apply to my friends who are attached.. those few who are married.. because im just a ameoba expressing my childish thoughts on this complicated... yet so simple issue. my roommate came back last last night dead drunk. and when i say dead drunk.... i mean it. even though we get on really well... it was quite disturbing for me. quite scary. this event does have something to do with the above... but i shall not go into that.

i remember back in good ole' mgs... vday was kinda like.. wow. coming to school to find a table of presents of friendship... which i really did appreciate though. and in jc... it was getting flowers for the guys. i dont know. i think it'll still never mean nothing. i dont believe in... certain things a lot anymore. and not because of that... 1 'mistake'... but because of many many things which have happened and ive seen. my human life has ceased to exist. although i admit i still hold onto that.. kinda.. 1 last breath of hope. to put it dramatically.

-------------------------------------------------------

i got a HUGE charge that day for my housing... to fork out such a huge amount at one time... it's a bit of a blow coz i have to save like hell now. but then again if im complaining i really am an ungrateful piece of ____ who should stuff my head down the toilet. it's just the amount that left me stunned. when u're earning ur own cash... you realise it's really that much more difficult to spend... i fight back and forth over it in my mind... on a small cup of coffee. but really. things are not cheap.

i was talking to hazel yesterday. things might be more settled. i might be making friends. but some things are still going down the drain.. and there's never a moment i dont miss people back home. shall end by putting up some random pictures.. which are random.. but not really.

i have been thinking of something a lot recently.. and there is someone i miss a lot... but i cant find that one picture... that i gave it to her... i know... it's still in her room. i saw it. and it hasnt changed its position... and i guess even though i dont have it.. memory is good enough. that was a lesson to me. how precious some things are. but.. to realise something is one thing... and to act on it is another.

HAHAHAHAAAAA. still cracks me up everytime

looking back.. ive never regretted going to vj.. it was different that's for sure.. and how fast those 2 years past.. makes me really sad i didnt treasure it more back then. hazel was pointing out we were 17 when we went in. imagine. 17 years old. how long ago that seems...

such a long long time ago... everyone looked so young...

i think this is my favorite picture of myself.. disregarding the fact that i dont have many to choose from. because... i dont think ive ever looked so happy.. or will like that. this was the period before. i still think i look retarded. but that is besides the point.. and.. i like how my tie is so damn messy. in regards to being a prefect... in sec school... there was just too much bs that i couldnt stand. and i treat my job seriously... i always do... but i refuse to go along with things which are just stupid and i dont agree with... or to behave in a certain way to advance myself. i wear the tie willingly. but with a refusal to bs.

some guys who i really will never forget.. to most of them they might have just been serving a mandatory period.. unwillingly or not.. and to them i might have just been some siao charbo.. but im so grateful for the experience.. that they gave me. some other day i'll write about this...

i hate sundays. i hate sundays coz i get so damn homesick and it's the day before school.

pictures!

2007-02-10T08:44:00.000+08:00

it's.... random pictures time! and not of me! yesssssssssssssssssssssssh!!!!!

i just received a package.. am so touched.. but more on that later.. first. random pictures.

my parents redid the house a bit coz of the fire that broke out... o i dont think i told any of my friends that did i? when i was still in training and back for the weekend, i woke up to a room completely filled with smoke.. basically.. my bro's fan which he was sleeping beside self combusted and i think his bin and curtains caught fire too.. he only realised after the flame got massive. somehow my dad managed to put it out, the smoke managed to leave my house.. but.. damage was done. and walls all covered with soot. so repainting. and a new painting from ikea. our 2nd ever painting. very affordable. i like.

my sister's longtime companion.

i love these strawberries man! they look so fragile.. vulnerable.. half skin-less.. but they really radiate some kinda attractive innocence..no? (:

a bird flew into my house when i was in singapore and refused to get out. it spent some time swimming in our fish tank too and making a crapload of noise.

my bro was trying the feed-animal-some-hard-biscuit-which-it-probably-can-never-swallow thing

chef bean. i love it.. birthday present from whirlwind.. or rather from lynette who subsequently collected money from them... (:

my "fridge" in the states.. i guess winter has its plus points too. my window has this kinda like netting outside and an inner glass slide thing.. inbetween there's some space so i just use that as my fridge. the temperature outside more than qualifies.

some chocolate a friend gave me. quite cool right. just slide to open and shut.

first thing i saw when i woke up that crazy snowy day... snow was so damn thick and falling so rapidly.. couldnt tell the diff between pavements and roads and my wet converse sneakers and jeans were sunk into every step of snow... it looked good for the first day.. now it's just turned sticky, melty, black and disgusting.

view from my room. damn white huh.

--------------------------------------------------

and now.. on to the issue of the package. i got a delivery notice as always that there was a package for me for collection downstairs as i always do when i order something. usually some amazon book. i thought it was my pol sci book - global politics as if it mattered. very cynical title. i like.

but anyways i collected it.. didnt look anything like that... (my ipod preserves the privacy of the sender)

really touched. really. and im damn shocked. the ba gua really tastes damn authentic. like it just stepped off the grills/stove/whatever of bee cheng hiang. the three different items.. one of each shall take a permanent place on my shelf of treasured things from friends that remind me of home... sender included no name, only address, no letter. but of course i know who she is. it's such a surprise coz i would never expect such an... unexpected package like that...

thanks (:

on a final note... this week has been exhausting... i really have to take action... a few moments of complete embarrassment.. i guess will mean nothing in the long run... o man. i can do it. i have to do it. this week has been fulfiling in ways too...
it felt so comfortable... wow. ive already signed a lease to stay in an apartment next year.. and im looking forward to it.. to my own place.. to hopefully be able to drive around then.. to the privacy.. but i think there's definitely parts of hall life i will miss... i'll make sure that moving out does not equal to isolation...

HILARIOUS

2007-02-07T08:59:00.000+08:00

O MY GOODNESS. 2 hilarious things happened today. which i HAVE HAVE HAVE to talk about. one was not really that funny.. but the other just completely killed me off.. ahhhh!!! hahahahaaaa!!!!

im actually not supposed to say anything about this.. because right now im doing the course intro to psychology. and it's a requirement that we have to take part in 6 psych experiments that researchers are conducting on this campus, and most of these researchers i think are either grad students or senior undergrads who are doing psych research under the supervision of a professor. ive just signed up for 3 this week to clear them as fast as possible.. went for my first one today. it was HILARIOUS. o yea the point is im not supposed to say anything because if potential guinea pigs (i cant think of any other word right now) hear of it, it will affect the results. but since i highly doubt anyone from urbana-champaign comes here... here goes.

i first went into this room.. alone. im supprised coz i thought that it would be a few students maybe just doing some survey on the computer or something. but the researcher was there.. let's just call her K. ill try to cut a long story short. she first gave me a form to sign in agreement to take part in this experiment. and then she explained what it was about. basically, she said the purpose of the study was to examine the effects of regression therapy on adults experiencing chronic stress. regression kinda just means like going back to a previous state - and the state here meant childhood. so this therapy consists of going back to relive our stressfree carefree childhood days as a solution to the huge amount of stress we are facing... and it consisted of four parts

(1) pre experimental questionnaire
(2) computer task, where i will play a computer game of like.. just throwing the ball around.. with other participants who are connected to me online to kinda relive my childhood days
(3) a ROLE PLAYING TASK she didnt elaborate on that.. but in my mind i was like.. shit.
(4) lastly a post experimental questionnaire

(1) the first was easy enough. i filled out a form about like.. what are my earliest childhood memories.. descriptions bout it.. etc.. and then how am i feeling now.. level of sadness, anger, calmness.. etc. it was quite cool to see how psych experiments were conducted. coz she really had to be very.. formal about it. she would leave the room when i was filling in the form and then come back after.. that kinda thing.

(2) then we went on to the computer game. she got me started in the game and there were 2 other participants on the screen. so she said there were 2 other people connected to me online and basically we just had to play by throwing the ball around and clicking on the person you wanna throw the ball to when it comes to you. then she left. and the game was quite fun honestly.. hahaa.. but after a while.. the other 2 people started throwing it back and forth to each other only and totally left me out... honestly i did feel kinda ostracised then coz it went on for very long.. (started to get slightly suspicious at this point.. also because the theory of 2 other participants playing in another room didnt really make sense becaue she seemed to 'attend' to me the most)

(3)role freaking playing K gave me a bib. yes. you heard correct. a BEE EYE BEE - BIB. and a milk bottle and a monkey soft toy and asked me to take off my shoes and sit on this mat on the floor. and wear the sacred bib. (yea.. i was regretting signing up right at this moment...) she said this part of the experiment consisted of me having to take myself all the way back to my childhood.. she would give me 3 scenarios and i would have to act out all 3, how i would respond if i was a baby.

O MY (@*$&(@$^!(@$!)*@

im a SUPER RESERVED person... and to do this.. it's basically a life sentence. but anyways the rules were she gave me 2 mins to think back about how i was like when i was a baby.. then she'd give me the first scenario.. i had 30 secs to think how i would act.. and then 1 min to act it out for her.. and the same for the rest. hahahaa. i was petrified... but anyways ok so 2 mins.. basically there was an internal struggle going on.. like.. hey wl just let urself go man! and on the other hand.. like seriously.. get me out of here now.

ok. the end of 2 mins. 1st scenario: how did you act when you got up from a nap and was tired and hungry.. (im a kid of 1 years old... K reminded me i could only say mama and papa.. and yes i was totally freaking out now..totally freaking out) ... 30 seconds... GO. all right. i wont describe what exactly i did because i wanna save some dignity for myself. but let's just say i tried my best.. but still ended up a pretty abnormal reserved baby. ok done. i was crapping in my pants... not literally. i wasnt THAT into the role play. 2nd scenario. act out how you would behave when playing with your toys. so basically.. i just fed milk to my monkey.. played with it.. things like that.. hahaa!!! O MAN. and last scenario. this one KILLED. ME. OFF. how would you act if you were playing a game of peek-a-boo. peek-a-boo is kinda like there's a blanket or cloth over your head... and then u know.. suddenly you open it.. BOO.. then laugh like a maniac.. repeat... you know. kiddy game. o my goodness. i tried my best. i really did. but again let's not go into details.

i was SO SO SO GLAD when (3) ended. PHEW. i even stopped her halfway and said i cant do this.. i was a rather reserved baby even though i was trying my best... damn. ok on to...

(4) filling in a post expt questionnaire. good. easy. just asked for my feelings now.. and whether i could think of earlier memories. weirdly enough.. i did feel kinda less stress coz (3) was just so damn amusing.. more for K than me i guess though ):

after that K dropped a bomb. she told me that there'd actually been a camera recording me all this while and coz the professor was going to appear on america today, and they wanted like.. some tapes of his research and things like that, and if i could sign a consent form to say if i agreed/disagreed to my tape possibly being used. honestly.. at that point i was just what the heck. just use it im not gonna watch anyway. so she left the room... i filled it in.. ticked agreed.. dropped it into the "consent form" box.

she came back in and asked me what i thought of the experiment.. and whether i understood.. so i just explained the whole regression thing to her again and told her that i found the computer game kinda weird though coz they werent passing to me at all. then she dropped an even bigger bomb. she kinda just basically told me the whole experiment was a hoax. it wasnt about stress. or childhood. or regression. the computer basically generated a scenario whether either i would be (a) ostracised or (b) they would keep passing the ball to me.. and they wanted to see if being ostracised might lead to me wanting to seek more attention.. in which case i would really totally act like a crazy baby and sign the consent to the video for attention. so that was the experiment.

typing about it now seems so anti-climax. but at that moment i was completely like.. what the heck just happened here.. and although it was such an awkward experiment to say the least.. (you wear a bib and see).. i thought it was super super cool! hahaa.. very interesting.... i wished her all the best in her research... but i hope i NEVER see K on campus ever again. i might not live that down.

------------------------------------------

i went to donate blood just now coz they have these blood drives occasionally in our hall. so they have to kinda like check you know.. like.. im from singapore so whether it's malaria infected or whatever it is.. so the nurse started looking through this book.. and she was like.. let's see.. here it says china is one of the "infected zones"... -_-.. i told her that singapore was NOT in china.. then she said really? there must be another singapore in china then coz she knows there is one. so she called her colleague who supposedly had a better grasp on geography.

nurse: how do we check on singapore?

colleague: just look under china...

hahaa. sigh.

ice becomes me

2007-02-05T12:58:00.000+08:00

O MY GOODNESS.... TONIGHT I HAVE COMPLETELY GRASPED THE ESSENCE OF THE PHRASE FREEZING TO DEATH.

it's freaking minus 20 degrees celcius here not including wind chill.. which would bring it to somewhere like 20 plus if NOT thirty.. i walked this crappy weather for approximately... 800 - 1200 metres. my head was almost blown off. im not kidding. it's so. damn. cold.

i used to not kinda.. understand how people could freeze to death so fast.. now i know. sigh. i think it's time to wear a scarf. or beanie. or gloves.. or ALL OF THE ABOVE...

brain damage man. serious. brain. damage.

i hate smoking

2007-02-04T18:17:00.000+08:00

right now... all i smell is smoke. my room-mate is smoking in the room even though there is a smoke detector. she was too lazy to go out for a smoke.. (and it is freaking -20 degrees celcius outside now.. and that's not even including wind chill) and asked me if she could smoke in the room. i said no initially.. obviously.. but then i kinda caved in. sigh. i really need to grow a more solid backbone sometimes...

i just caught the departed just now at the theatres... yea dont know why it's showing so late here. i wanted to see how the americans would kinda translate wu jian dao. and.. i really didnt like it. to me infernal affairs is so great because it's just.. other than the fantastic plot and great actors.. it's just really woven into such a beautiful story. it might be a mob movie, but there's no unneeded violence or sex or whatever it is. but the departed is completely... f this f that.. the whole entire show.. i've developed such a deep hatred for that word it was just extremely extremely distracting and pissing. i dont know. i just felt like.. they took such a beautiful plot.. film.. and ruined it. hollywood style.

this week has been.. really interesting... i would have blogged more but i just got sick of myself. but some things which have stood out for me... one is my international relations class. my professor.. is very against a lot of things that america stands for now... you can tell he really loves his country, and more than anything feels just extremely sad at the way things have become.. before i came to the states with my simplistic knowledge and easily manipulated emotions, i felt sorry for bush. it really is a damn shitty job being an american president and i felt that along with enduring so much shit people still throw even more at him... when it's just such a difficult job. but after this class.. we're reading this book called 'sorrows of an empire' if im not wrong.. i've realised a lot more things.. and am honestly... very disgusted at how... this country is conducting itself throughout the world..

digression.. somehow. somehow. i feel like.. everything i say and do is being monitored. im probably paranoid. but i try to pick and choose my words very carefully...

it talks about american militarism.. how america is spreading their empire which it does under its unknowing citizens.. do you know the US has a reported 700 plus military bases throughout the world? and that's not even counting in those unreported. and many of these boast of the american lifestyle... whole load of fancy houses, golf courses, resorts, bars, clubs etc.. which greatly affect the lives of the local people.. and many of these bases are retained on completely stupid reasoning... sigh. my professor did time at one in taiwan.. and he knows what it's like. im too tired. not gonna spend anymore time on this shitty subject.

there has been some forum on racism held on campus.. which i went to.. it was extremely emotional.. but in a way it also showed how stupid things are.. and really the difficulty in trying to determine and differentiate right from wrong. some things which might seem to be against you.. people can take advantage of that and turn it into some positive argument.. complicated issue i dont wanna go into either.

yesterday i watched 2 chinese movies with some americans on these two floors.. i wanted to get i not stupid and show them a singapore movie.. haha but crap. the library was closed (yea i saw it in the library. amazing huh.) so i got wu jian dao (hahaaa.. no im not obssessed. it's just.. such a damn good film) and a jackie chan show.. and they loved it! and the girls were saying how good looking andy lau.. edison chen.. tony leung etc were.. hahaa. but in the jackie chan show.. there were a lot of ABC actors like daniel wu and nicholas tse.. who would suddenly burst into an english phrase in the middle of a cantonese rant. and they thought it was just.. kinda funny.. and weird. they said it was like a white guy trying to speak and behave like a black guy. like k-fed. i thought that was really interesting.. esp when they asked me do asians think it's cool.. like all these english phrases and things.. sadly i think quite a few do. not in sg.. but.. in certain countries like hk and taiwan where people dont speak english usually. hmmmmmm..

i think what most americans have seen of jackie chan too is rush hour and all.. where he acts kinda stupid and hilarious.. but he's different in hk shows.. he's more of an actor.. more himself in a sense.. and when we were watching it.. one of my friends said.. she'd never seen him like that before. and she also said quite subconsciously... that he doesnt act like that in american movies coz americans are stupid. he only makes stupid movies for them. i was slightly stunned for a while.. and im sure those are not the reasons.. but.. i guess.. in a way.. if you wanna talk about racism.. everyone is racist in their own right.. we might feel that the west wont get or enjoy our films.. and of course the west have their own thoughts about us... i've experienced my fair share of racism i would say after i came to the US.. it doesnt have to be i'll kill u now coz u're chinese kinda thing.. im sorry. i mean SINGAPOREAN. it's just small actions.. looks.. anything. but i guess the important thing to remember.. which ive kinda learnt is... it doesnt matter what the race.. treat everyone as an individual. like.. don't pigeonhole someone on first impression.. coz there are really cool people around.

it was a great night.

to ex-kentang

2007-01-29T10:14:00.000+08:00

i watched curse of the golden flower yesterday... i had to for class and i was genuinely surprised. it was really really good! hey one of my friends go and watch it! let me know what you think of it! see if we're on the same like.. wavelength or something. i highly recomend it.. i dont know why people think it's boring.. crappy.. etc. this week has been zhang yimou martial arts films week. and i watched hero and house of the flying daggers. hero was terrible. honestly. the plot was just plain confusing.. the fighting TOO damn unrealistic for me.. the fast forward button came in handy a lot.. esp in all the farewell/crying/long-drawn flying in the air scenes. same for the house of the flying daggers.. too toooo too much long-drawn long affairs. i have no idea how im gonna write movie reviews for them.

hey kentang! hahaa yes the person reading this knows who im talking to.. not posting your name here in case you might get angry.. hahaa. i can suggest some chinese films for you to watch if you ever have the time.. which you WILL.. to relax and.. improve your command of the language. try new police story by jacky chan and infernal affairs.. o wait.. i think they're cantonese.. hahaaha nvm. o yea. and go watch army daze on youtube if you havent already. hmmm. but i think you told me you have? i arent much help am i... oh wait! there's this old chinese movie we had to watch called balzac and the little chinese seamstress. the title is not the most enticing, but it's set in the revolutionary maoist period and.. it's one of those more kinda.. arty films. so i think you might like it. or it might help you fall asleep. i kinda liked it. and then was sleepy after. so yea. just a reccomendation (;